The Other Side

Lazy winter afternoon. World transformed into a white wonderland, blanketed in 3 inches of soft, cold powder. Little ones napping from a morning spent hard at play constructing snowmen, blasting the world with snowballs. Snuggled warmly under thick blankets after making one too many snow angels they sleep quietly. Older children accomplished indoor chores in record time and once again are buried in snow as they attempt to create tall and wide record breaking snowman.




Potato soup dishes washed and put away, aroma of homemade cookies overcoming gentle scent of lavender vanilla candles, coffee sitting hot in pot, washing machine churning quietly, dryer clicking rhythmically in peaceful cadence, muddy floors beckoning for a soapy mop, a discarded coat here, a stray yet beloved motorcycle there, 8 pair of boots..snow melting where they lie, lone pencil, perfectly parked rows of fire trucks and ambulances in their under furniture "bay". Exhaustion pervades. One cup of soup down. I fight off feelings of it wanting to revisit me. Despite the discomfort of nausea and inconvenience of sleepiness I am thankful. For I've been through this enough times to know that it tells stories of our tiny baby growing healthy and well within. How grateful and thankful I am for these long awaited days. Unheard of bedtimes of 9:30, missing sunrise and waking to daylight. Steamy hot shower and cup of coffee to help me try to wake. It works...for a few hours. I opt out of a wintry run and instead grasp hot cup with both hands. Watching children build snowy masterpiece thankfulness overwhelms the soul. Thankful for exhaustion, thankful for feelings of pukiness, thankful for enhanced sense of smell that can detect even the tiniest of stinky things but also the sweetest of things, thankful for the enhanced sense of touch that revels in what husband and I share, thankful for warmth, for coffee, for warm cats curled sleeping soundly on bed, happy dogs covered in snow, for chickens huddled under heat lamps, for my life and everything that it is. There's a peace now beyond comprehension. Perhaps it is hormone induced joy, perhaps it is because I am where I want to be once more, perhaps it is because I know more than I ever have that my God is near and that not only does He incline His ear to me but that He loves me more than anything I can ever in a lifetime comprehend...more deeply than I can ever wrap my mind around. I don't know how to receive it , how to describe it, how to live in it but I feel it...I feel the Holy Spirit. I see the evidence of Him working in our lives, the lives of our children, my own personal life....in the relationship that exist solely between God Himself and my own spirit. Perhaps it is because this trial by fire in our life is finally coming to an end and we not only survived but came out victoriously and stronger than we were before we entered into it. "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." We did not die. We did not succumb. We did not quit God, but more importantly, He never quit us in my weakest moments of wanting to abandon ship and leave behind everything He is about. The Beginning and the End....what comfort there is in those few words, the finality, the height and breadth and depth of Him. My Faithful One. How in love with Him my heart is. How forgiven and free I am. How I have seen Him so much more than most people will ever in their lifetime see. How I know the depths of Him unlike I have ever known. How merciful He is.



Contentment fills the soul. Joy abounds. Laughter fills our lives once more. No more tears of long months of sadness...only tears of joy. Weeping may last for a night but joy comes in the morning. If He chooses to take this baby too I am not hopeless. If no justice is ever seen in Aubrey's case I know that His anger and indignation is more righteous and more profound than any punishment an earthly judge could ever issue in her case. "O Lord, the God who avenges, O God who avenges, let Your glorious justice shine forth. Appear and show Yourself!" Ps 94:1. We live in victory because of You. But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. Rom 8:37 Somewhere in this journey I have learned what it is to embrace the willingness to suffer...to lay down my life so that He may live through me. Giving up my own passions and desires so that His work may be evident within my own life. My desire for more children, my fleshly desires that go against everything He is within me, the stray and wayward thoughts that lead to death.... the very thought processes that do not align with His. For is it not God working within me giving me the desire and the power to do what pleases Him and brings Him the glory? So it is that I am learning through this trial by fire to die to self, to suffer, to lay down my flesh and let it burn so that He has the ability to use me for His good purpose...whether it ever be seen by the world or just evident to my children as they grow and learn from me and the example I set before them. Let me never be their stumbling block. Let the heart of the Father shine through me before them so that they may learn to glorify God in everything they do, they encounter and they endure along their way in life....that they praise and glorify Him for their victories and successes and run to Him in their struggles, their pain, their heartache.

How good it is to know that there is indeed an end to everything we have walked through over the last little while of our lives. There is no defeat when you walk in the paths of righteousness. What freedom there is in victory. How much more there is still to learn as I continue to grow.