Laying Bare the Soul

Morning sun over horizon. Fog rests so thickly it blankets all of life...my own thoughts. I seek to rid myself of this burden but it proves to be difficult. Like every morning before, cold morning wind will blow and lift fog but my own dark veil will remain....not so easily shrugged off...or blown away. I wrestle with wicked heart...hiding behind curtains of perfection....innocence. There is freedom in weightlessness. There is freedom in truth. And above all else in life I have come to appreciate people that are real....real stories, real life, real emotions. Facades repulse me. Arrogance and pride are some of my most hated traits in other people. Self righteous people absolutely nauseate me. I have no joy in even being somewhat near them. In fact..it is safe to say I loathe this in other people. But as fog shrouds all of life my mental clutter....burdens of the mind and heart....overwhelms and the fog that entraps the soul is dense.





Deep deep battles that wage within. Who am I to speak of pride and arrogance when I fight the battles I do within? What is being real and laying bare your soul if one only portrays the greatest, glorious moments of one's life...the picture perfect image that a person is so naturally given to want to uphold?? So...I lay it all down in an effort to make me feel better, to rid myself of this burden, to blow away the fog and to offer some much needed reality to large family living. I do not want to be a facade....some pedestal type being or family that silently battles the wickedness of it all....the mortal human, self seeking heart behind the scenes. So.....I expose the soul and uncover every secret, selfish motive within so that I may be set free....for it is so entirely true that the truth will indeed set you free. I want to be free. I find writing...the expression of the ponderings of my soul...to be my comfort, my solace...where I come to lay myself out. So it is that I lay myself bare. I want so so desperately...the aching of a longing soul....to be one with the Lord...to be so pure and so refined that He no longer has to fight away the self righteous, self absorbed heart. The arrogant boasting heart that can so easily become caught up in where I am and "my" accomplishments in life. I have not gained any of my life by my own doing....any of this. It is the work God has done through me in accomplishing His purpose. But the day my focus becomes fixed on something other than Him is the day He stops using me and finds another more humble, pliable soul...for who can stand the arrogant heart of man?





Tears begin to fall until finally a steady flow becomes uncontrollable. Devastated by what I am capable of....pride and arrogance....how it can so easily overtake something so beautiful and such a freely given gift. My heart aches and my soul is so grieved over how wicked my heart can be...how easily deterred it can become. There is a pride that comes with this mothering thing for me....and it is not the good kind....in fact, the most awful of them all. There is that part of me that loves the shock value that we are to all people we meet...the awe that goes along with the admiration for us. I love the shock that comes from having 8 young children with me and being obviously pregnant. And some part of me that misses being pregnant is the part that also thrives on that. I miss my baby. I continually wonder who he would've become. Thought of his tiny, tiny body as I wonder what he would've looked like. The thoughts of only being 5 wks away from having a newborn do not evade me. But somewhere within my wicked self I also miss the attention that comes from being pregnant and already having so many. I love the attention....be it negative or positive. I thrive on the attention that comes when we fill up an entire table and people come to us in disbelief. There is an arrogant pride that builds within when we are told over and again how well behaved they all are. I try desperately to keep it real and let people know this has been a long journey of consistency that has not happened overnight. That we are very real and we work entirely hard so that they are well behaved and enjoyable for everyone within their presence. But there is pride in having more children than most. And....bare naked honesty here.....there is, to my wickedly, deceitful heart, some amount of competition that really goes on in my head over having to "keep up with the Jones'" as far as the number of children we have goes. I actually pride myself on the number of children we have. Somewhere in my highly driven competitive nature there is some amount of competition to this. Somewhere in life it became my identity....mothering, many children , always being pregnant, large family. It does not get more real and truly awful than that. But after talking to other large families I know some of them do battle these same issues as well so I am not alone...nor am I in danger of needing psychological help. It is difficult not to get caught up in the large family culture of everything it is all about. I desperately love my children and long for more. My heart aches for another set of twins. I have loved everything about having my 2 sweet boys...watching them grow, how they interact, the bond they have, to have two the same age. They amaze me. There is a true purity in the ache for children...but the dark side does indeed exist too. Pride, arrogance, competition...feelings of "defeat" when other people "get ahead", feeling like I have achieved some sort of screwed up status by being able to manage it all with a clean house and well mannered children. I do love organization and am actually pretty anal retentive about it but when in life did that earn me some kind of status symbol???? I have indeed come a long long way since I started this journey but I have even farther to go....so much farther. I am that person that somewhere deep within gets gratification out of all the praise....thrives on it...feels the need to live up to it all. Whatever that competitive drive is within me feels it in every aspect of life...including children. I am that one that has pride when we are out. I have so come to recognize this within myself that when we go out on the rare occasion that they are not all with me I no longer tell people that I have 8 children because I know it comes from the arrogant part that lives within....not any part of me that just longs to trade life stories. I do not bother to inform people that these 3 or 4 children are not my only ones because I know that my heart waits for the accolades that I know will follow...the praises that will be sung and the pride that builds within.





Heavy heart needs to expose the dark side of self...lift the fog. I long for God to work in me...through me. Yet I continue to hinder everything He seeks to do by my prideful, self seeking, wicked, self absorbed heart. The human-ness of it all. My heart sinks lower and lower as I realize that I am no different than those I criticize. Tears of despair fall as I come to face the inner heart. How can God redeem this? Oh human heart of mine...when, on when, will you ever be pure? How deceitful the heart. How prideful and wicked are its ways. Perhaps this is the very reason that we have been given no more children. I came to see them as "my" accomplishments. I came to take credit for this fairy tale castle we have built...something I attained. How far I fall. Are there words to do my grief justice? Where I have let myself go with these freely given gifts? I long for more children yet my motives remain far from pure in some aspects of it all. How can God use this? Somewhere in there the longing to be an encouragement turned to a portion of inner pride. I want to be the most real and honest person...but how can there be honesty when there secretly exist a reputation to uphold and pride that lies buried within that seeks to serve itself?



My heart struggles with the truth of it all. The real self. The hidden motives. My heart and where it is. There's a ton of anger right now. I know it. I feel it. I fight it all. As I work my way through dealing with all of this the reality of my inner self is made more real than I have ever known. The good, the bad, the ugly. But maybe in the refining there will be a purity that lives in the end. How my heart aches to be everything that it is not. How I see what I want to be but how far I am. When does that day ever come? How I long to be so much more than I am. Oh God how I yearn for You to use me. Come take me and make me your's. Come do something with this wretched heart and create the masterpiece you see in me. Take me and use me. Forgive me for the pride. You are what I long for. Oh my heart aches. Grieves. This sadness, who can bear?? How far I fall. How deeply imperfect I am. I do not long for status. Not the applause of millions...or even hundreds...or even one. Just You. I want to gain your approval. Not the acceptance of the world. Not the praises of the world beyond. I just want you. You are what my heart longs for. My soul pleads for you. Saving grace...so amazing....so redeeming. Through you I am redeemed. You are my only redemption. You are my forgiveness. Through you my chains are gone and I am free...only you. My wayward heart you welcome back. My prideful heart you forgive. My competitive heart you extend grace. Create in me a pure heart. Take away the filth. Take away the anger and the bitterness, the pride. My soul pleads for your saving grace. Do not let me become hardhearted and bitter, oh God. I see it, I feel it and I despise it. Fight this battle for me because I am not strong enough. I am so desperately weak. I feel my weakness. I know my weakness. But is it not at this point that you are able to work the most? The pride, the competitiveness, the arrogance, the anger, the sadness, the depression, the bitterness...I lay it at your feet. Take it all and create in me who it is you see. I lose sight of the goal. The vision fades in the turmoil. Inner motives exposed. Soul laid bare. Refine me. Strip me til I am laid bare before you...until you see innocence and purity and everything you are living within me. Who can separate me from the love of you? I don't understand how you love me the way you do. Why??? Why do you stay? How is there a love so perfect? Saving grace. Redeeming grace. That's who you are. That's what you've done. How wretched this heart of mine. But yet you save. "Consider my affliction. Come deliver me. Plead my cause and redeem me. Salvation is not for the wicked for they don't seek your word. Oh God, great are your tender mercies. Revive me according to your loving kindness. You give me understanding according to your word.....great peace to those who seek your face. I long for salvation. All my ways are before you. Your hand becomes my help. My soul longs and adores you. Hear my cry, Oh God of all. Revive me. Perfect me. Your beauty Lord it captures me. Your sweet embrace, it brings me to my knees. Hopelessness will not prevail in a heart that seeks your face. You search within the deepest parts. Find the beauty there and let them see. Let me be the vessel that you pour through. I can feel your touch. I can feel your heart. Waves of mercy over me. Oh beautiful one, make me beautiful like you. Let me reflect your image. Save this heart and soul of mine."

In quotes: words from an array of different worship songs sung primarily by Jeremy Camp