Well, once again I have run the gammut of emotions in a mere week, probably less. I've cried everyday for 4 days now, some of which I am sure total credit is due to sheer hormones, the rest of which can be credited to being completely overwhelmed with life at the present moment. I live my days in awe of my children and look at the them in complete amazement and bewilderment as to how they came to be mine but then turn around and cry out of complete desperation knowing I cannot continue even one more moment in our circumstances. Last night I truly contemplated what exactly a mental breakdown is and if I might be having one and then seriously evaluated myself and as to whether I need serious help or even Prozac. It seems it does not end.......ever. It is now down to the small mundane stuff that gets to me in every way and the thoughts of failure and inability to keep up with life seep through in every little happenstance. I look around me at the unending stack of dirty dishes, peed on toilets, boxes needing to be put elsewhere in our constantly changing direction and what we will do with them.......leave them packed for the ever elusive move or unpack to only probably repack in a couple of months. Piles of laundry and unfolded baskets of clean clothes surround me at every turn and I am continually reminded how alone I am in this whole pursuit of life and what used to be our married dream of marriage and a family. After the forever inevitable emotions of Brad leaving yet again on Thanksgiving Day and having to spend it apart yet again hundreds of miles from each other but yet feeling the drastic swing of emotions of the joy of fellowship with other close family members it has sent me once again into a spiraling choas of feelings of gratefulness and resentment at life all at one time. How i can feel such hatred and such love at my circumstances leaves me bewildered and confused constantly seeking security and stability in a life that is ever changing yet horridly unchanging. There are days that I wake up and embrace the day with its routine of being a single parent and there are days that I wake up with total resentment and overwhelming depression of what we have been given to overcome. Sometimes the lonliness of this life is consuming and seemingly insurmountable. I watch as the family members and even neighbors around us decorate for the holidays and string their lights and hoist their trees as they enter into this supposedly joyous season of merriness and I am again overwhelmed by all consuming lonliness. At times, more so and now more often than ever, it feels as though Brad has died. Which yet again leads to all of the questions I am ever denying, morbid as they are, wondering if this is preparation for what is to come for the children and me. I have dreams, more so now than ever, of him dying or being dead and living alone with our family we created. THis past Fri, after Thanksgiving on Thurs, I watched the lights on the street light up in Christmas wonder and heard everyone's plans for their dinners that night as a family with holiday traditions and their plans on Sat celebrating and decorating together and i was sent tumbling back into the depths of depression. It seems at times there is no freedom, no money for gifts for the children, no money to pay the extra expenses of Christmas lights and the electricity generated from them, ever relying on money that Mother generously offered knowing we probably needed milk, no money for anything and not even a husband to bear the trials and celebrate the holidays with. It seems at times that the world, and God Himself, are against us. We are comitted to living this Godly life we feel we have been called to honoring Him in every way........but for what reason? We are trying desperately to get out of debt and stay that way to honor Him with our finances yet everything goes against what we so desperately are striving to do. The truck will not sell, his job doesn't change, our circumstances do not change. I cannot help but be reminded of Job and how his life was full of trials and tribulations that never ended and think horrifically to myself that this may be our lot in life for whatever reason. Despite our persistence and pursuit of God our situation may be unchanging to be an inspiration and encouragement that others do not have it so bad and to teach them to be grateful for their present situation since it could be much worse. So, are we to live this way forever.......married yet unmarried, living separate lives? Is this really what God intended marriage and parenting to be? It is obvious that we are the exception to the rule since most happily married couples share the same address and not even military personnel are deployed for the length of time that Brad has been gone, but it can't help but make the mind wonder what is in it for us, especially long term since we've already been doing this for a year and a half and there is no forseeable end to it. Where is God? I don't think anyone fully understands how hard I fight depression at this point and what it is for me to stay afloat in this raging sea of life and its chaotic turmoil. I feel as though we've been shipwrecked and though the children are in a treacherous and unstable lifeboat riding the crest of the waves I have been floating perilously in the cold waters and am slowly losing my battle and will to survive. I feel so alone. Yet I am surrounded by the world and people I love no one can fully understand since they are not, and have never been, in my shoes. They can empathize and be of some comfort but never fully understand the torrent of emotions that rage and teeter between hatred, resentment and bitterness and complete and total love and overwhelming gratefulness for what I have been given in my husband, my children and my family. I sing this to comfort myself but at times I feel there is no real comfort in any of this at all. It brings some sense of peace just knowing I can talk about how disappopinted I am and how hard it all is and feel like the Lord really is still here in this with me.
"I'm so disappointed. I've been so disappointed for so very long. I've been so hurt deep inside, Lord what's wrong with me? And I say, "Now where, has the Lord turned aside? Come quickly Lord and be by my side, O Father, I'm trying. Don't you see I'm trying to abide?" Well then the answer comes from heaven, "I'm the balm of Gilead. I know you've been hurt and down trodden. I know your heart has been sad." But now look unto my Jesus. On Calvary He did go to bring you forth from the times of hurting that these times now of healing you would know. For I am with you more than you can understand. I have not left you an orphan. Still moving on your heart with my hand, did you forget now, I am the great I am? The great I am. So look up to heaven, I can heal your deepest hurt. Look up to heaven, you will know for sure that I am. My arm is not too short to heal or deliver......your hurting heart, your hearting heart, your hurting heart. I know tonight you are sad but I can make you glad. I can restore you deep in your spirit. I can heal you deep in your spirit. Tonight I've come in My holy presence, to make sure tonight you will go free. Give me your heart once again, oh My children, give me your heart tonight" says the Lord.
It is this that keeps me from becoming completely and totally calloused at what our life has become and the desperation that I feel and the utter forsakenessthat goes along with the nature of our circumstances. It is rarely ever the big bad things that get me and turn me inside out. It is the mundane everyday life stuff that takes its toll and wears on the determination to proceed forth. It's the cancellation of insurance due to my failure to mail a peice of paper in on time and the constant trial it has become to keep insurance for the children. It is the red Kool-Aid that spilled on the bedroom floor and won't come out no matter how promising the remedy. It's the dog poop in the garage. It's the poop smeared all over the bathroom by an inexperienced toddler that is newly trained. It's the recurrent ear infections and the diarrhea and 3rd degree diaper rash burn that accompanies the medicine that resolves it. It's the dirty bathrooms that are forever screaming to be cleaned. It's facing the lonely routine that starts at 5 as the rest of the world settles in and their husband's come home and I begin the task of feeding, bathing, straightening and putting the children to bed alone.......only to face an empty bed with only piles of clean clothes and a TV to keep me company until I am too tired to resist sleep anymore and I relunctantly give in to it.......still feeling the very painful aloneless of my surroundings as sleep finally pervades. It's the hurt I cannot help but see in my own children's eyes when I've done nothing but turn them away or yell at them all day due to my own inability to cope with my life and depression I cannot keep at bay.
But in all of this, I cannot help but think of how far both Brad and I have come in the past 3 years. From Ben's death to losing Brad's job to the surpirse of a pregnancy to the surprise of twins to his job in San Angelo and his schedule to the surprise of another baby and what all it has forcefully required of us and mandated that we learn, practice and excercise. We have both come a long way in overcoming our fears of what others think of what we do with our life and we have also overcome the fear of disappointing our parents. It has given me the strength to stand up for what I believe and draw boundries for our family, and it has required of Brad to face deeply rooted issues with his parents. If nothing else, I can say that I am a very strong person and can withstand almost anything that comes our way within reason. The infinite state of unchange for us is more than a little trying for me and the cause for my current feelings of depression but, overall, I think I can withstand more than the average person would be willing to........not that I was willing to, but more that I had no choice in this deal. It has strengthened our marriage to a depth I'm not sure most couples will ever know or be able to comprehend. It has shown me that I am strong and that I can conquer and come out victorious on the other side in the most trying of situations, where I feel the majority of the population would buckle under the weight of what we're enduring. In my pessimistic way of always feeling victimized it has led me to stand up and take responsibility and control of what I can of what goes on around me. I am no longer the person that continues to get run over and ram rodded by overbearing people but am fully capable of drawing a line and holding my ground. I think I finally realize that though I am completely not in control when it comes to finances or his job that I am in control over the smaller things that so drastically affect my ability to cope and feel victimized or victorious with the situations and people that tend to run over us like a mac truck. A perfect example is how both Brad and I have made great strides and are light years ahead of where we were in our relationship with Gary and Pam 3 and 4 years ago and what we are able to stand up for ourselves about. Another is my ability to say no to anyone and everyone that needs to be told no. It may sound absolutely incredulous but 6 years ago, even 3 years ago, I could not ever say no to anyone and, though I battled raging resentment for that person, I just continued to tolerate it and be the ever nice person due to my own inability to draw boundries for myself or the family in general. And, if for nothing else, maybe that's what this whole journey is about. I feel as though I've been training for the olympics in both strength and endurance for whatever is required of us next. But whatever it is it must be pretty important to have to endure this preparation for it. Maybe we will become missionaries or be blessed with 21 children, including multiple sets of twins and maybe even a set of triplets, and truly be raising up an army for the Lord who will go out and accomplish things that are only imaginable in heroic biographies. Maybe we will greatly affect the life of another person who will then go out and change the world or something of incredible magnitude within it. And maybe the aspirations aren't even quite that grand and it is only to improve the quality of life that we live as a family and to raise healthy, grateful God fearing, respecting, compassionate, loving children that will look back and say that the way they were raised and the trials endured made a difference in their lives motivating them to be all that they can become.

Well, here goes. This is probably one of the most dangerous things I could do due to my love of writing and expressing myself through written texts. I have 5 children to take care of along with a baby to grow and nurture and all I need right now is to add to my list of to-do's. I long so much to return to my long lost days of journaling but as I sit upon the bed to write I am ever faced with the daunting tasks that go yet unfinished and alas, they always win out. Even at midnight I never feel the freedom to just let go and write. So, I figure if I sit on here and do it rather unromantically on the computer not only can I type faster but there are no chores staring me down beckoning for me to finish them......like I ever do!!! HA! And then, as I also sit here and start this part of my life back up I am forever regretting that I didn't do it 18 months ago when Brad 1st left and I had all the time in the world in my lonely moments without anyone at home to be pouring out my life story. That is one good thing about being a firefighter's wife. Even when he does come home he'll still be gone 24 hrs at a time so inevitably I will still have my late nights to come in here and sit for hours while I catch up on stuff.

You know, I made a New Year's resolution one year when I was 15 that I would sit down and write one page a day just stating what we did that day and some of what I was feeling. It started as a page or two and sometimes even just a short paragraph but eventually turned into 7,8,9 and then 10 pages a day and then year's later became as many as 20. I look back now and wonder what in the world I was doing that I had THAT much time on my hands!!!! Surely there was a life to be lived beyond the childhood green desk that I sat at many hours of my day and then also overtaking my night life too. I remember there were some nights that I sat all night long just writing. I probably should go back through and put it all in the computer since it was all written in pencil and will not last forever......but then it makes me cringe to think of going back through and rereading. HA! The majority of it all is nothing but my crooning over men and my analyzing every breath they took. Much of it was hate towards men but then what was not livid hatred was my needy soul longing to be loved by this one or that one and hating them all at the same time for not returning my affections. It's very immature and I'm not sure I even want to open the pages again. In fact, the whole journal was started based on my affecions for one man that I thought would surely turn into something.......no doubt he was a whopping 11 years older than I was, with me being 15 and he being an outgoing, ready to get married 26 year old youth pastor. I was overweight, by 50 pds to be exact, so the thought of me entertaining the idea that he would even notice me is a bit humbling and not quite worthy of bringing up. It was disastrous, to put it mildly, and by the time he was getting married to my utter enemy I was ready to completely anialate the entire male species. So, hurting and wounded even more I went my own way and found someone who I thought would love me for who I was and ended up pregnant and in a bunch of trouble and abused even more than when I'd started this long journey. How is it that when you're so hurt you go after every male that will abuse you even more? It'a a very typical scenario and mine was indeed no different. After having Grayson and trying to get my life back together in every way, paying off thousands of dollars to the District Attorneys of 3 different counties, spending a lovely night in jail and months of healing from many many years of past hurts (and that is, of course, the VERY condensed version of that part) my life took a turn that created this fairy tale, of sorts, that I now live. Maybe at some point I'll expand on the details of then but as of now it's irrelevant and not poignanat to the story. So, with that brief history, here is where that leaves off and this part of my story begins.