Well, here goes. This is probably one of the most dangerous things I could do due to my love of writing and expressing myself through written texts. I have 5 children to take care of along with a baby to grow and nurture and all I need right now is to add to my list of to-do's. I long so much to return to my long lost days of journaling but as I sit upon the bed to write I am ever faced with the daunting tasks that go yet unfinished and alas, they always win out. Even at midnight I never feel the freedom to just let go and write. So, I figure if I sit on here and do it rather unromantically on the computer not only can I type faster but there are no chores staring me down beckoning for me to finish them......like I ever do!!! HA! And then, as I also sit here and start this part of my life back up I am forever regretting that I didn't do it 18 months ago when Brad 1st left and I had all the time in the world in my lonely moments without anyone at home to be pouring out my life story. That is one good thing about being a firefighter's wife. Even when he does come home he'll still be gone 24 hrs at a time so inevitably I will still have my late nights to come in here and sit for hours while I catch up on stuff.
You know, I made a New Year's resolution one year when I was 15 that I would sit down and write one page a day just stating what we did that day and some of what I was feeling. It started as a page or two and sometimes even just a short paragraph but eventually turned into 7,8,9 and then 10 pages a day and then year's later became as many as 20. I look back now and wonder what in the world I was doing that I had THAT much time on my hands!!!! Surely there was a life to be lived beyond the childhood green desk that I sat at many hours of my day and then also overtaking my night life too. I remember there were some nights that I sat all night long just writing. I probably should go back through and put it all in the computer since it was all written in pencil and will not last forever......but then it makes me cringe to think of going back through and rereading. HA! The majority of it all is nothing but my crooning over men and my analyzing every breath they took. Much of it was hate towards men but then what was not livid hatred was my needy soul longing to be loved by this one or that one and hating them all at the same time for not returning my affections. It's very immature and I'm not sure I even want to open the pages again. In fact, the whole journal was started based on my affecions for one man that I thought would surely turn into something.......no doubt he was a whopping 11 years older than I was, with me being 15 and he being an outgoing, ready to get married 26 year old youth pastor. I was overweight, by 50 pds to be exact, so the thought of me entertaining the idea that he would even notice me is a bit humbling and not quite worthy of bringing up. It was disastrous, to put it mildly, and by the time he was getting married to my utter enemy I was ready to completely anialate the entire male species. So, hurting and wounded even more I went my own way and found someone who I thought would love me for who I was and ended up pregnant and in a bunch of trouble and abused even more than when I'd started this long journey. How is it that when you're so hurt you go after every male that will abuse you even more? It'a a very typical scenario and mine was indeed no different. After having Grayson and trying to get my life back together in every way, paying off thousands of dollars to the District Attorneys of 3 different counties, spending a lovely night in jail and months of healing from many many years of past hurts (and that is, of course, the VERY condensed version of that part) my life took a turn that created this fairy tale, of sorts, that I now live. Maybe at some point I'll expand on the details of then but as of now it's irrelevant and not poignanat to the story. So, with that brief history, here is where that leaves off and this part of my story begins.
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