How aptly this applies to just pretty much everything. I won't lie and say I don't struggle through this process. The more we uncover of years and years of housing issues left unattended the deeper one has to dig to remember what it is we do, why we are here and why we are doing what we're doing. This past year has required much of us in the way of forgiveness. We have been asked to overcome what seems, at times, the absolute unforgivable. Things unimaginable. Yet we are here...walking it out....in supernatural grace that exceeds anything I have ever experienced and far extends anything of which I am humanly capable. It's a grace walk, a faith walk...and a total death to self walk. It's a story of overcoming everything in a lifetime you never thought you'd have to....and then some.
As shift husband works many 24's to fund this whole project children and I carry out the actual physical labor of it all. There are days and times I think God severely overestimated my abilities when He called us to this specific love project. 11 children, pregnant, homeschooling, living in suburban America with schedules, obligations, commitments...and a public servant's salary. There are times arms burn from sanding, another mouse runs across floor, the walls which you thought were just severely scratched are actually peeling 1964 acrylic clear coat and they too need sanding....in addition to all 392 cabinets. Babies paint stove, I gag from being elbow deep in rot...and the the Spiritual warfare comes on top of it all....washing machine totally completely dies and is beyond repair, dryer quits only days later, still living out of an ice chest, microwave quits....all as we become submersed in this project.....and I grow angry. Why? Why....when we have given so abundantly, I have laughed and kept a good attitude, I have redirected perspective for the thousandth time that day, we have sacrificed and gone so far above and beyond....do the hits just keep coming??? When are you ever rewarded for the good that is being done? And softly....like a whisper...I am reminded that He was accused of doing wrong He never did, He was hated, He was passionately loved, He gave unconditionally, He loved unconditionally, He showed kindness, mercy, grace, and unfathomable love to those who spit upon Him and cursed His very being....and still He gave....total literal death to self. He died and was never rewarded...because the rewards are far more eternal than anything this mortal life has to offer. And then I look into the eyes of my children, I see their hearts, I know their ability to push hard and overcome with what has been...is being...required of us. I know the lessons they are taking away from this....the person into which He is shaping me....the things husband and I are grasping and beginning to understand.....all of the future that lies ahead and what He has planned for us.....and there is no worldly reward that ever in a lifetime rivals that. If we never see it...if we are never repaid for the work and massive amounts of money we are pouring into this love project....it's just not about what we can see with human eyes. It's learning how to walk the love walk, the forgiveness walk....and about what He can do in us and through us to accomplish what He has in mind. And we did sign up for this. We begged to be used mightily, to live the radical. And here we sit not exactly where I thought we'd be in some 3rd world African country, not in some country that's name is not even recognizable to most...but on the great eastern seaboard, in this house, with this project and this landlord and family to love. We're here for such a time and place as this....despite all the tears and resistance along the way. Oh....just to be able to see the bigger picture and open heart eyes sooner.
Yet another late night trip to home improvement store. We walk in....5 out of 11 children in tow, laughing and chatting as we go. Paint finally chosen after days of deliberation and now finally mixed we reach register. Cashier lady's look changes from pleasant and entirely amiable to shock...."You're that family!! You're that family with a ton of kids that's flipping the landlord's house!" A bit speechless I eventually smile and nod. She continues..."I want you to know...I hope you're getting compensated for that! To do what y'all are doing.... And with that many kids to take care of..... And to deprive them to have to pour into some scumlord like that! It's just not right." She continued. I listened....as our little story has traveled there seems to be heated controversy taking place over the "rightness" of what it is we do. Admittedly, it was rather shocking to walk into store and be met with people who have heard our story and know what it is we do....why we are there almost every day of the week with lots of little heads in tow. So I stand late at night and tell her that we could take this man to court, which would serve no purpose at all. We could ruin his current job, ruin his profession, be "right", put him "in his place", and "win" or we can dig deeper than ever before, humble ourselves and use it as an opportunity to grow. We can show this man some kindness he has never in his life been shown. Years of tenants leaving angry, years of home growing worse and worse in state of disrepair while he lives on a public servant's salary just as we do...shoe string budget, debts to pay, family to care for, things that break, things to fix, enough money to keep up his own mortgage, not to mention adding a 2nd with upkeep where angry tenants continually play a game of fruit basket turnover due to state of disrepair of home. Who are we to judge how this man manages his money? Who are we to judge at all? And where is kindness and compassion within the heart of people anymore? Why have people become so hell bent on tearing others down rather than helping raise them up, encourage, and just minister to hurting hearts? Why do people feel so entitled to luxury and comfort....me included at the top of that list. And so this is the story of reminding us that we have been freely given the grace and mercy we are shown...so why would we not go do that for someone else?
I walk away and children wonder in amazement how she knew about us...about them....about our story. And I honestly don't know. Other than the fact we're in that store every single day of the week and word has made its rounds. And I ponder it all.....I don't feel amazing. I feel tired. I feel supernatural joy....but not amazing. And there are days I still grow angry. I wonder why it is we were called to this. What did He think I am capable of???? How much forgiveness is possible in the time span of one year??? How much more does He require of me? And the simple answer....Everything...and then some. My whole entire heart, body and soul. My heart and attitude, my body and the ability it has to do this work, my soul and all the forgiveness that's required in so many more ways than one. All the wrongs done, all the people that have done them, all the seeming injustices. But each and every time I am continually reminded.....who am I to accuse when I am no better? No...I don't feel amazing at all.
Morning dawns, husband finally returns from multiple 24's in a row, doors of house burst laundry, washing machine sits quietly in its non running state, bathtub full of dirty dishes, kitchen water still not running, babies poured out ice chest located coffee creamer for 5th time, kitchen spatula lies on top of spackling, bread smashed by power drill, 3 hours worth of sleep...up til 4 am priming, babies up at 7:30. So tired I fell asleep on top of blankets fully clothed. I ask him excitedly, albeit tiredly, "Did you see??! We got it all done! Entire living area and kitchen primed! Pretty much. But did you see what we did?" Ambulance running calls all night, he's as tired as I am. He replies agitated..."Yes. Yes I did see it! It looks amazing. I saw that wall, and that wall too. I saw that one on fb. And I saw that you did this one too. I did see it! I saw it last night and I'm seeing it again." A little weary and more than a little emotional his sarcasm cuts deep. I quietly retreat to bathroom, shut door, and proceed to cry in tiny hidden space. He finds me almost immediately and apologizes. And he holds me for an entire half hour while I cry and wonder what it was God was thinking when He signed us up for this. This gift of money, self, precious time...all of the sacrifice. But was it really any gift at all when there is no stretching of self, no discomfort? What is any real true sacrifice if it didn't hurt, cost something, and totally empty every fiber of being. Tears cease and the weakness of moment embarrasses so I mumble against his chest...."I really am stronger than this. I can do this. We're walking out what we dreamed of....what we prayed for for so long. It's just inconveniences..that's all." He smiles as he picks dry paint from long dark hair strands and says against head, "Get dressed. We're both tired and you need a break. Let's go grab some lunch and run a few errands."
So it is that we carry on and all 13 of us learn what forgiveness truly is. We walk out kindness when all of flesh and wallet screams otherwise. But oh what an absolutely amazing thing it is to know the freedom that it gives.
"It's the hardest thing to give away,
and the last thing on your mind today.
It always goes to those that don't deserve....
It's the opposite of how you feel
when the pain they caused is just too real
It takes everything you have to say the word
....Forgiveness.....
It flies in the face of all your pride
It moves away the mad inside
It's always angers own worst enemy
Even when the jury and the judge
say you've gotta right to hold a grudge
It's the whisper in your ear saying "Set it free"
....Forgiveness....
Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
.....Forgiveness.....
It'll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what its power can do
So let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is you
....Forgiveness.....
I want to finally set it free
So show me how to see what Your mercy sees
Help me now to give what You gave to me
Forgiveness."
So here it is walked out..in all of the dirty mess of its glory
Walking, climbing playing boy!
Evye's picture love
Phase 1: The beginning of under kitchen sink....already conquered!
Phase 2: Overcoming and conquering! And yes....I did wear gloves...and the notorious mask.
One of the two infamous sprouted beans!
Phase 3: Cleaned up and waiting for new plumbing and running water once again!
There is immense comfort when plumber gets here, takes a look and says "Oh wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. This is bad. This is probably one of the worst ones I've worked on in awhile." Construction friend, over the night before, also stated very same thing only hours previously. And this was all said AFTER it had been bleached and cleaned up for the thousandth time and after everything had been crowbarred and cut out. Surmising the situation from exactly what is shown in the picture below, he also added, "After 30 yrs in the trade I can say this damage has occurred over the course of 15-20+ yrs of neglect and no upkeep of the original leak." There's comfort in knowing that there was no making a mountain out of a mole hill at this point. It was a mountain when we moved in.
There is immense comfort when plumber gets here, takes a look and says "Oh wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. This is bad. This is probably one of the worst ones I've worked on in awhile." Construction friend, over the night before, also stated very same thing only hours previously. And this was all said AFTER it had been bleached and cleaned up for the thousandth time and after everything had been crowbarred and cut out. Surmising the situation from exactly what is shown in the picture below, he also added, "After 30 yrs in the trade I can say this damage has occurred over the course of 15-20+ yrs of neglect and no upkeep of the original leak." There's comfort in knowing that there was no making a mountain out of a mole hill at this point. It was a mountain when we moved in.
Phase 4: Beautiful new plumbing. I never even knew plumbing could be so beautiful until this past week. It's such a peaceful comforting sound to hear water draining into pipes....not flooding cabinet and floors below. Running water and draining pipes have quite the soothing quality about them.
Running kitchen water! And the dishwasher. Yes, there it still sits. It could not be completely removed until valves were removed and replaced, as water flow could not ever be fully shut off until plumber replaced all pipes. Dishwasher lines were so ancient that they no longer even make the size of caps needed to cap it off. Thanks to plumber....dishwasher can now...finally.....be removed!
One of the many home improvement errand running trips
Doors off and ready to be primed..finally! It took entire day to battle the rusted stripped screws everywhere. Definite progress....albeit slow.
And the new microwave range hood waiting....
......to be put here! Cabinet above stove must be shortened by one shelf in order to make room for size of new microwave/hood.
New dishwasher!
Ancient, non working bathroom light fixture. Yes...those are live wires running to it. Don't ask me how I came to know that fact.
And progress!
Sanding...and more sanding...
What they do while we work....
Many hours later...
.....and hours and hours later....
I'm a little of the mind right now to purchase a blowtorch and blow primer from floor to ceiling. That hole...yeah...not sure what's up with that. Kinda missed that spot.
Conquering the world while we work
Two monkeys working together are capable of righting a ladder that had been laid on its side and still managing to climb it.
Ready for some color!
More priming... Dated decorative wood object above window will also be shortened, so it's only primed to a little below cut off point.
Who knew getting a 300 lb dishwasher out would require a masters degree. We won't go into what all was found on top of it once it was finally unearthed from hole. And yes....that's what the inside of it really looks like.
And it's out!!!! After 2 weeks of sitting in hole half way unhooked, 1 24 hr period of sitting in the middle of the kitchen...like this....STILL attached at some point, somewhere, by the 49th line that ran to it...it. is. out!
Late rainy nights. The little stow away.
New sink and faucet! Craigslist! Pretty sweet deal. Our entire kitchen will have been gathered from craigslist by the end of this little project.
All the interesting in the middle of all the busyness. It only fogged where the water ran. Pretty cool.
When daddy comes home to greet the plumber it makes for a ton of excited little kids...and causes quite the neighborhood scene.
When daddy's home. Putting it in...with some help. It's rainy and muddy and since we live in the Amazonian mud pit.... floors....little bit muddy too.
And it's in and working!!!
And it's in and working!!!
Behold the glory!
It's here and it's our's! Outside cats saw fit to break it in fairly well. But it is beautiful...cat prints and all. And....it doesn't leak!
Some 4am, blurry, late nights/early mornings filled with tons of work and lots and lots of laughter
Forgiveness: Matthew West
