Tonight we had the everybody birthday party for Daddy, Jackie, Evye, me, Channing, Garrison and Grant. I went with mixed emotions given the last get together we all had and the family stuff that seems to never end. But tonight was fun. It's so bittersweet. I don't really think I'm all that emotional about leaving and then all of the sudden we all get together and I realize how far we'll be from the family I've always been around......and then I think.......is that such a bad thing? But it is because I love them all, despite our differences and all of the pain and conflict we've all been through with each other. Not knowing when the next time will be that I ever see them again is kind of traumatic sometimes. I know Scott will ride his bike down and Daddy and I only see each other sparatically anyway. But reality is that I will probably only see Jackie and her children once a year from here on out given the separation that has grown between us and the little we see each other now. In all reality we'll see each other for this annual birthday gathering. I'm not sure they'll ever come down and see our house.
I don't know. I'm rambling. Sometimes there's just change so big in your life and you know going into it that it will never be the same and you'll never return to where you are and this is what that is for me. Brad is doing well and working up the ladder in San Angelo and there's much work to be done there and I think God may have us there to be instrumental. It seems so foreign to me to know we'll probably never return here to live and my children will actually say they are from a tiny west town TX...not that they're from here and moved there. Garrett will never remember being here at all. His whole life will be our new life. It just seems strange to me. It seems strange to me that these people I know so well that I have always been around will no longer even be close and with the miles there is also a kind of distance that takes place with a turning of direction and a parting of ways of sorts. It's a life no one will relate to. Will our children really only know each other by email pictures. Will we really watch each other's kids grow up in pictures?I wanted to cry tonight as we left. It seems like such an ending to a really long chapter. I think as hard and difficult as it's been these last 2 yrs with Brad gone I've learned how to do it all on my own and there's a certain security in that and a certain routine and sameness to the days. There's a comfort in knowing I have been given the grace for it all and what all has become familiar to me. Even the struggles of "single" parenting have become familiar and I know it can all be overcome because it always all is. I know that I've carried the load for 25 months now but to me it is the way life is and that's how I know it. So, moving to be a couple again and starting a true life together is daunting since I have had my family for so long and have become accustomed to being near them no matter what.......even when we're not even together in our marriage I've had my family. It doesn't make much sense, I know. Sometimes I'm not even sure what i'm trying to convey. It's just a feeling of many emotions that I don't know how to express. It's the intricacy with which life is woven and there are too many crossing threads to try and link them all together in the emotions I feel as every relationship is brought before me as we leave.
On another note, I got to meet Becky tonight......the girl Daddy's been with for years now.....though he's not really "with" her or whatever. She's so personable and really overly sweet. She was very easy to talk to. I don't know if I've just learned how to deal with being introverted and had to overcome it and shove it to the back for social etiquette or if I just don't care anymore. She definitely seems pretty great. She didn't look at all like what I imagined but her personality and how well kept and well spoken she is only added to her attractiveness. The more women I see Mother's age the more I realize how beautiful she really is. Sometimes I look in the mirror and want so badly to see what other people see. I atcually think it'd be better for me if I could see myself through other's eyes instead of the ones that are always so condemning. Curtis Wade told me twice how pretty I am and lately there's been numerous people that have commented but I still look in the mirror and see me.....bad hair, overweight, big legs, kind of thick everywhere and socially inept. Uncharasmatic I think is pretty much the word. It bothers me that I battle such issues sometimes and when I think of the guys that will gauk at Mother when I am standing there. It brings back the days of our trip to Maine and even days years before that when she and Jackie were front and center and I was continually overlooked. Does that ever go away? I guess those are some of the issues too that I have with Paint Rock......well, just a new place in general. Will I be able to overcome my natural tendencies of either being too much or not enough in order to blend well? Will they even think I'm pretty? And in reality does it even really matter? It doesn't.....but to me it does. And the saddest part is that if I was where I should be in my intimacy with the Lord I wouldn't even be thinking these thoughts since they are so entirely mortal and trivial in the grand journey of life.
I want my children to grow up thinking of me and holding me in the regard that I hold Mother. I want them to be proud to introduce their friends to me and think I am the prettiest thing in the world to them. I want them to grow up admiring what they hold dear not only inwardly but outwardly also.
I will miss Mother. I will miss Scott. I so wish that we could give back so much more than what they've poured out into our lives. I wish we could give back 100 fold to Mother and Daddy what they have given us in order to help us and bless us in the times when we weren't going to make it. We've been given so much through them and I wish we could give back so much more. I start to cry if I think about it too long. I feel so blessed by them and yet I watch Mother work through her issues when she still continues to pour out in love and I long with all my heart to give back so much more.
I wil miss Kelly. I will miss Daddy. I will miss Curtis and Jackie and the children. I will miss the rain.
I wish I could get past the emotions of this.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Moving Emotions
Well..........I look around me and am overwhelmed with emotions. The wonderful people down the street that we gave the swingset to came and picked it up this past week. I looked at the backyard in its barreness and it really hit me that this is happening. The backyard looks huge now! Anyway, as the sun set and I saw the colors through the trees of the small piece of yard we own and all of the familiar surroundings I again realized that this will no longer be our home. How strange will it be to come here and see Mother and go to Granny's and run errands around here and pass the house and know we can't go home to it. I don't know if you could really exactly say I'll miss it but it's just change in general......and a lot of it to take in. How weird will it be to look down the street from the freeway and see someone else's car in the driveway? It just hit me how much I know of this house and how many memories we've built here. I know every idiosyncrasy it has and I've walked every square inch of it at least a million times. It's strange to think of someone else taking a shower in that shower and a really funny feeling to think of someone standing there doing dishes looking at the lighthouse mural tiles thinking it's their home. I won't miss it. What I will miss is feeling like I have a place to go in this area. Feeling like I can turn down a street and go home to something so far beyond being just familiar. I won't miss the roaches and, in fact, cannot wait to move and rid ourselves of them. I won't miss being afraid of my own kitchen at 3 am when somebody needs something...more than likely a bottle due to growth spurts. I won't miss the unpainted bathroom and the nasty needs-to-be repainted hallway....with the smiley faces made from whitening toothpaste and sharpie markers that not even Mr Eraser will take off. I won't miss the brown smudged handprints down the walls that if attemtped to remove will also remove paint. I won't miss the nasty carpet either that has every stain in the book on it. No, I won't miss any of it and am actually quite thrilled with the excitement of the move, new house, no carpet and new surroundings..........but I think I'm still stressed anyway. I don't really feel stressed and I really don't want to be stressed but I think I am regardless. I stay irritated with Brad, which I never do, and have bitten the children's heads off quite a lot lately. They are having to deal with it in their own ways too. Grayson's intensity is quite astounding and the level of his emotional state right now is so very much to deal with. He's more disrepectful then he's been in awhile and as volatile as ever. Evye has said hundreds of times now that she's the only one that still has not seen the new house. The other day she cried when she brought it up again. They want to know if they can bring their beds.....despite the fact we've been through the whole scenario mentally with them for months now. She begs to go down there to see it. Aubrey is as cantankerous as ever and shows no signs of having a clue as to what is taking place. Finally, a couple of days ago she went into her room and kept telling me to get her bed and pack it. Finally she pulled me into her room and then started trying to drag her bed to me. I had to explain that it will indeed go with us when it is time. I think they are all desperately bored too. In my irritated state I packed up all of the toys since i was so sick of picking stuff up and telling the older 3 almost every 10 minutes to pick something up so that I could pack in a certain area. So, in my ingenuity, I just packed up every toy in the house. So, now they are bored out of their minds. I've given Grayson and Evye stuff to do to help but there comes a point where everything they can do has been done. I felt so bad when Morgan, our babysitter, came Fri to stay with them from 11-6. There was nothing for them to do so she was left with 5 really restless bored kids and nowhere to go with them. The swingset is gone, the toys are packed, the dvd's are packed, the pool finally sighed it's last breath and popped a hole after 3 faithful years of service and after having served tons of rowdy kids and it's 107 so it's not really like they can go ride bikes. So, that is what I live with.......due to what I have done to myself in my effort to maintain organization while I pack. Ugh! Overall, it's getting done though. I stay a little stressed and trying to stay on top of the everyday stuff along with the packing is really overwhelming with Brad always gone or always studying. Granny and Mother have been so great. I honestly don't know what I will ever do without them. Mother has helped pack a bunch and Granny came over to help with what she could and then took the children back to her house and fed and bathed them and then brought them back here and put them all to bed so Mother and I could keep going on the packing. She's doing that again this week and again the last week of Aug. They are both such lifesavers for me and for Brad. I truly treasure what I have been given in my family.
But all of that to say, I look around and little things will hit and I'll again be faced with the reality of this. I'm a little afraid too. I'm afraid of the amount of cooking and what I will have to come up with every night. There's not really any restuarant bailing us out down there. It's kind of humorous but very much a reality to me. I'm afraid of the lack of closet space and feeling like everything will be everywhere and there won't be any place to put clothes and there won't be any money to put into it to make it liveable and organized. And, I'm really dreading just saying goodbye to what has always been familiar to me. I'm just enough adventerous that I love that we are going to something new and something so dear to my heart and so incredibly beautiful but it means saying goodbye to family. I won't miss this area at all and actually if Mother were to move with us I wouldn't ever look back. It's just hard saying goodbye sometimes, I think. I'm really praying it's an easy move both mentally and physically. I can't help but wonder if I'll feel lonely in a strange small town when Brad is gone all 24 hrs. Will we fit in quickly and feel like family? I think so.......but then I wonder.
On another note......for my birthday Mother and I went to get a manicure, pedicure and a.......... wax. My 1st waxing session ever. Now, I've attempted a few times to do my legs myself but I was left with successful patches of it. So, the pros took over. Oh my freakin gosh.........the birthday present of sheer torture!! What women will do for vanity! I'm sure a man came up with the whole waxing idea. Honestly and suprisingly the bikini wax was the least painful of them all. The freakin upper and lower lip wax will leave you stinging and is quite the shock when sprung on you. And ohhhhhh the underarms!!!!! That freakin hurt so bad! Since the hair wasn't coming out with the wax due to the short length and courseness of it she HAND PLUCKED them ALL out! They're still sore today.........and I didn't even know underarms could be sore. I'd gladly endure the 1st few days of pain after my 1st bootcamp rather than going through the underarm thing again. The bikini I will just leave with the fact that I eventually just decided to go the distance. It was a rather funny feeling laying there letting her do it but it wasn't really painful. So much for being self conscious or worrying about if I have too many cellulite dimples....not to mention trying to be modest. And then came the legs! That was almost as painful as the underarm ordeal. There are so many hairs on my legs that the wax just goes through and rips them all out. I think that's why it freakin hurt so bad. She's ripping out like 15,000 hairs at one time. But, overall, I think I feel better about myself. In all of the torture and messed up pain I feel a little more like a woman.......not that after having 6 children I ever doubted it! But, it makes you feel kind of girly and feminine. I'm still having major issues with my weight so this kind of took the edge off and made me feel like I look like a million dollars. I try not to weigh anymore until I'm good and ready to start up a plan to do something about it but I don't have to weigh. I just look in the mirror and hate what i see. I know how good I finally feel inwardly and how radiant I feel but the mirror isn't radiating too much these days. Still stuck at 165 I have 25 pds to lose. To most it seems petty and laughable but to me it's something so major that I really obsess and get depressed about. I don't want to look this way. I don't want to go back to who I was in my teen years........well, not really who I was since I'll never be that again but more just that I don't want to look like that ever again. I saw pics today when I was packing them up of me on the mission trips and I was so big. It's humiliating to think of how infatuated I was with Jason Williams and expecting that he actually might see something in me too. I was more than a little heavy. I know I have 6 children now but I don't want to look like I have 6 children. I don't think having kids is any excuse to let yourself go and look like a whale. I guess what gets me down the most is the lack of drive I have to lose it and take control. I want to fast so badly and really get cleaned out and feel completely cleaned out but everyone has forbid me to do it while I'm nursing. I know I could drop a ton that way and feel a whole lot better about myself both inwardly and outwardly but it's recommended that I wait. I also feel horrible about how sedentary I am now. I look back at what I was doing when we were cleaning and then bootcamp and look at where i am now and I feel so lazy and fat. I don't want to feel this way. I loved the bootcamp days. It was hard work but I don't think there's ever been anything so physically rewarding........well, other than giving birth. San Angelo needs a bootcamp with a nursery.
Alright, that's enough for now. I need to go pack and I really need to do the dishes before the roaches decide to do their disgusting nocturnal food scavenging. Ugh!
Oh.....and today I decided that Garrison really probably isn't allergic to peanut butter and it's probably just eggs and we were confusing them so I gave him an entire 1/2 a sandwich. Yep..........he's definitely allergic. I then had to bathe him and give him a huge dose of Benadryl. He immediately turned splotchy and his face swelled up........yet again. This time his lips and cheeks were monstrosity size. And he was soooooo cranky for the rest of the day, even after his long Benadryl induced nap. I felt so bad. He's talking so much. He now says I will, I don't know, love you too, Tigger, Au-by, Evye, Nant, ayson, baby, hun-gy, Nanny, shut the door, I unt (want) that, stop it, quit, gan (again), honey and all sorts of other things. He can pretty much carry on a converstion and he is so hystericaly funny. He knows it too and puts on that much more of a show knowing he can make you laugh. He's so loving. He constantly wraps his chubby arms around my legs and kisses or throws himself around my neck and softly pats my back while kissing me all over the face. He is truly the sunshine in the family.
And Grant, he is like the little bunny of the family. He's so so gentle, mild and quiet. He's the fluffy type that is just so much fun to love on. His words are growing more understandable but he is still a long way from any understandable conversation. He answers yes and no to wanting a bottle or banana and he definitely gets his point across even though his vocabulary still needs improving. He is so much fun and so interesting to watch. Today he unscrewed another lightbulb. He just figures everything out so quickly. Today he, Garrison and Aubrey (the notorious trio) got into the diaper bag and emptied the travel size baby stuff I had in there. Aubrey lovingly washed both of the boys hair, despite the fact they had no water, and then they all took turns body painting each other with massive amounts of pink baby lotion. Needless to say, they were more than a little sticky but they smelled really great. That was before lunch and Garrison's reaction so it was kind of funny when I put them all in the bathtub and they had instant suds. And then yesterday Garrison amused Grant as they grew bored waiting on me by blowing Fruit Loops out of his mouth. He was pretty good too. Garrison could blow them from the kitchen into the den and Grant would double over in fits of laughter. Grant attempted it but never made it farther than the tray on his highchair but it didn't seem to matter too much as Grant rolled in laughter and Garrison giggled everytime Grant would try. Garrett sat in his saucer and was quite entertained by it all as he smiled and talked through all of the commotion and fits of laughter. I love them all so much. I can't imagine life without each of their personalities and am curious to see who we still have yet to welcome. Garrett is absolutely the happiest most content enjoyable baby ever. I can't imagine life without any of them.
But all of that to say, I look around and little things will hit and I'll again be faced with the reality of this. I'm a little afraid too. I'm afraid of the amount of cooking and what I will have to come up with every night. There's not really any restuarant bailing us out down there. It's kind of humorous but very much a reality to me. I'm afraid of the lack of closet space and feeling like everything will be everywhere and there won't be any place to put clothes and there won't be any money to put into it to make it liveable and organized. And, I'm really dreading just saying goodbye to what has always been familiar to me. I'm just enough adventerous that I love that we are going to something new and something so dear to my heart and so incredibly beautiful but it means saying goodbye to family. I won't miss this area at all and actually if Mother were to move with us I wouldn't ever look back. It's just hard saying goodbye sometimes, I think. I'm really praying it's an easy move both mentally and physically. I can't help but wonder if I'll feel lonely in a strange small town when Brad is gone all 24 hrs. Will we fit in quickly and feel like family? I think so.......but then I wonder.
On another note......for my birthday Mother and I went to get a manicure, pedicure and a.......... wax. My 1st waxing session ever. Now, I've attempted a few times to do my legs myself but I was left with successful patches of it. So, the pros took over. Oh my freakin gosh.........the birthday present of sheer torture!! What women will do for vanity! I'm sure a man came up with the whole waxing idea. Honestly and suprisingly the bikini wax was the least painful of them all. The freakin upper and lower lip wax will leave you stinging and is quite the shock when sprung on you. And ohhhhhh the underarms!!!!! That freakin hurt so bad! Since the hair wasn't coming out with the wax due to the short length and courseness of it she HAND PLUCKED them ALL out! They're still sore today.........and I didn't even know underarms could be sore. I'd gladly endure the 1st few days of pain after my 1st bootcamp rather than going through the underarm thing again. The bikini I will just leave with the fact that I eventually just decided to go the distance. It was a rather funny feeling laying there letting her do it but it wasn't really painful. So much for being self conscious or worrying about if I have too many cellulite dimples....not to mention trying to be modest. And then came the legs! That was almost as painful as the underarm ordeal. There are so many hairs on my legs that the wax just goes through and rips them all out. I think that's why it freakin hurt so bad. She's ripping out like 15,000 hairs at one time. But, overall, I think I feel better about myself. In all of the torture and messed up pain I feel a little more like a woman.......not that after having 6 children I ever doubted it! But, it makes you feel kind of girly and feminine. I'm still having major issues with my weight so this kind of took the edge off and made me feel like I look like a million dollars. I try not to weigh anymore until I'm good and ready to start up a plan to do something about it but I don't have to weigh. I just look in the mirror and hate what i see. I know how good I finally feel inwardly and how radiant I feel but the mirror isn't radiating too much these days. Still stuck at 165 I have 25 pds to lose. To most it seems petty and laughable but to me it's something so major that I really obsess and get depressed about. I don't want to look this way. I don't want to go back to who I was in my teen years........well, not really who I was since I'll never be that again but more just that I don't want to look like that ever again. I saw pics today when I was packing them up of me on the mission trips and I was so big. It's humiliating to think of how infatuated I was with Jason Williams and expecting that he actually might see something in me too. I was more than a little heavy. I know I have 6 children now but I don't want to look like I have 6 children. I don't think having kids is any excuse to let yourself go and look like a whale. I guess what gets me down the most is the lack of drive I have to lose it and take control. I want to fast so badly and really get cleaned out and feel completely cleaned out but everyone has forbid me to do it while I'm nursing. I know I could drop a ton that way and feel a whole lot better about myself both inwardly and outwardly but it's recommended that I wait. I also feel horrible about how sedentary I am now. I look back at what I was doing when we were cleaning and then bootcamp and look at where i am now and I feel so lazy and fat. I don't want to feel this way. I loved the bootcamp days. It was hard work but I don't think there's ever been anything so physically rewarding........well, other than giving birth. San Angelo needs a bootcamp with a nursery.
Alright, that's enough for now. I need to go pack and I really need to do the dishes before the roaches decide to do their disgusting nocturnal food scavenging. Ugh!
Oh.....and today I decided that Garrison really probably isn't allergic to peanut butter and it's probably just eggs and we were confusing them so I gave him an entire 1/2 a sandwich. Yep..........he's definitely allergic. I then had to bathe him and give him a huge dose of Benadryl. He immediately turned splotchy and his face swelled up........yet again. This time his lips and cheeks were monstrosity size. And he was soooooo cranky for the rest of the day, even after his long Benadryl induced nap. I felt so bad. He's talking so much. He now says I will, I don't know, love you too, Tigger, Au-by, Evye, Nant, ayson, baby, hun-gy, Nanny, shut the door, I unt (want) that, stop it, quit, gan (again), honey and all sorts of other things. He can pretty much carry on a converstion and he is so hystericaly funny. He knows it too and puts on that much more of a show knowing he can make you laugh. He's so loving. He constantly wraps his chubby arms around my legs and kisses or throws himself around my neck and softly pats my back while kissing me all over the face. He is truly the sunshine in the family.
And Grant, he is like the little bunny of the family. He's so so gentle, mild and quiet. He's the fluffy type that is just so much fun to love on. His words are growing more understandable but he is still a long way from any understandable conversation. He answers yes and no to wanting a bottle or banana and he definitely gets his point across even though his vocabulary still needs improving. He is so much fun and so interesting to watch. Today he unscrewed another lightbulb. He just figures everything out so quickly. Today he, Garrison and Aubrey (the notorious trio) got into the diaper bag and emptied the travel size baby stuff I had in there. Aubrey lovingly washed both of the boys hair, despite the fact they had no water, and then they all took turns body painting each other with massive amounts of pink baby lotion. Needless to say, they were more than a little sticky but they smelled really great. That was before lunch and Garrison's reaction so it was kind of funny when I put them all in the bathtub and they had instant suds. And then yesterday Garrison amused Grant as they grew bored waiting on me by blowing Fruit Loops out of his mouth. He was pretty good too. Garrison could blow them from the kitchen into the den and Grant would double over in fits of laughter. Grant attempted it but never made it farther than the tray on his highchair but it didn't seem to matter too much as Grant rolled in laughter and Garrison giggled everytime Grant would try. Garrett sat in his saucer and was quite entertained by it all as he smiled and talked through all of the commotion and fits of laughter. I love them all so much. I can't imagine life without each of their personalities and am curious to see who we still have yet to welcome. Garrett is absolutely the happiest most content enjoyable baby ever. I can't imagine life without any of them.
Friday, August 11, 2006
Coming Home
Alright.........so today held so many emotions that I am completely ecstatic but really really worn out. I think I've lived a lifetime in the past 2 days......2 years...........3 years.
It started Wed night when I arrived in San Angelo. I was already feeling very oppressed and even kind of depressed about the trip. We are tight on money and funded the trip in much faith that this was the course of action to take. After seeing his new station and meeting the guys we headed to the hotel only to find out that the debit card was declined and we had no money in the account at all. Brad, in a frantic hurry, raced over to the bank across town only to discover out the TITHE checks for the last month had both cleared within 2 days of each other and we are overdrawn by 221.00. There we were with nowhere to go, nowhere to stay, more than completely broke, hungry and Garrett was starving and had been for 2 hrs. We drove aimlessly. Brad was so mad that we finally just pulled over and prayed. We were able to get some pizza with the declined card that, for some reason, cleared at the Little Caesar's and so we sat in an empty parking lot and ate pizza as I fed Garrett in the front seat. It was a very lonely, desolate, forgotten feeling. We decided to head to Andrews.....another 2 1/2 hr drive.....and stay at his parents for the night. When they asked why he was bringing me and the 2 children he dodged the question but eventually they kept at it so he told them that some unexpected stuff came up and we couldn't stay in the hotel. They offered to pay for it since Pam was not real thrilled with me and the children staying with them (keeping your mother in law mad at you pays off sometimes!!!!! - hahahahaha!!!!! - no, just kidding). So, we went back to the hotel and I was more depressed than ever. Brad and I have both felt so led to tithe and now, not only had that backfired, but it also was such a desolate feeling and couldn't help but make us feel like the trip had started out on a really bad note and hoping it was not an indicator of things to come the next day.
So, I slept restlessly and finally morning came and it was time to see what the day had in store. We had to be there at 8:30 and were briefly briefed by our attorney and then once we entered had to sit and wait forever for the other 2 cases to be heard.......extremely boring!!!!! And then our case was heard and it took 1 1/2 hrs! It was all very intense and very convincing arguments from both sides. It came down to the judge either overruling what the annuity documents clearly define that we cannot do and overturning the annuity agreement or siding with the signed legal documents Ben signed and sticking with the legal argument of the contractual agreement that we were "bound" by. Brad had to take the stand and was examined and cross examined. Based on the deposition given to the judge and her preference for our side of the case it looked pretty good at the beginning but once we got into the reasons for doing this she questioned Brad to make sure we are fully aware of our decision to pursue this......which we have only spent the last 2 years researching and trying to figure out if we can make this work. In the end after a very long hard grueling 1 1/2 hrs she said that we had presented enough evidence that we are more than aware and very educated, more so than most of her cases, and it would be in the best interest of our family to rule in our favor.......so she did........after the other lawyer got his butt handed to him for disputing this....which of course he had no choice in since he represents the company that the annuity is with and they hired him, and he is employed by them to do nothing but contest these cases. Once it was finally over I couldn't even be happy at 1st. I just wanted to go home and go to bed. Neither one of us could believe that this is finally over and that we can be together again. The fact that Brad is on the fire dept went tremendously in our favor and we later found out that the judge herself commuted from San Angelo to Austin for 18 yrs. Her husband is a judge in SA and she was one for Austin. So, she has had very personal experience with living a married life apart due to commuting. There were so many emotions it was hard to take it all in. It was very surreal, as if I wasn't really living in the present. 2 years of being apart and it was turned around in a day.......in the span of 1 1/2 hrs. Neither one of us could really say much on the way back to the suburban and we packed up the hotel in an unworldly peace and quiet disbelief. Finally realization started to come to both of us and we couldn't talk enough about what took place in court.....the proceedings, the testimony, the entire morning. Finally, a ray of hope, a sign that God has indeed not forgotten us and is actually quite tuned in to where we are and the turning of our hearts towards Him after so many months of anger and depression.
We went to lunch with a guy and his wife from the station and then were off to our new tiny town so that I could finally see what our new house is like. Driving down the winding roads through the TX hills and massive ranches I began to feel like I had come home. We pulled into the tiny, sleepy, little town and turned down the neighborhood dirt street and came to stop in the driveway of the most beautiful dream I could ever imagine. There stood a little gray house with white shutters and trim on every window with flowers at every corner and a huge front porch with a swing and an old church bench. I met the guy that owns it that works with Brad and he showed us around the acreage and backyard. Mesquite trees are abundant and all I could think was how many Grayson will finally have to climb. They wind and twist and in their gnarled state make every little boys dream come true. Goats grazed in the pasture and incredibly strong new fencing surrounded them.....perfect for the goats.....and our dogs. There in the back was a garden filled with flowers on one side and herbs on the other with a little stone path through the middle that led to a big purple, custom built playhouse for the children. He wasn't finished building it so it has yet to be enclosed at the top but the bottom and all of the framing is painted a little girl purple. It only needs upper walls and a roof. Another porch swing, large and red, hung from the covered back porch that overlooks the backyard...which overlooks the Baptist preacher's backyard. I then learned the preacher is young and his wife is expecting their 1st baby in Dec and are thrilled with us buying the house. His church is directly across the street from our houses....so we'll walk to church. The front porch swing overlooks our front yard and the century old church. Deer graze freely in both the front and backyards early in the morning. I finally entered the house and he explained that his wife is the art teacher at the school and has a great love of color. Each and every room is tastefully painted and all trimmed in white. The wood floors were restored from the original 1930 house and in the addition they added there is tile. Finally I felt all of the suppressed emotions and wanted to laugh and cry. The yard has a tire swing and 2 traditional swings hanging from the trees and behind us stands the 6 acres that we will buy next Nov. He explained that this small town used to be the busiest town in the county due to the cotton industry and the trains ran right behind us on the 6 acres. On that 6 acres was a huge turn table for the engines and they'd bring the trains into town to load all of the cotton in the region and then turn them around and send them back out to the main tracks. When the train bridge washed away it destroyed the industry and the population fell, never returning to what used to be. In time they took the tracks out but if you go wander around back there on the 6 acres there are buried train treasures. He said last week he was walking around back there and came up with several different train pieces and all kinds of stuff from way back that people used as part of everyday life working on the railroad.
Finally as we drove out of town and I saw the true blip on the map that it is I began to feel like i was home. We passed the library that is a century old 1 story house with Victorian trim above the large welcoming white front porch. We turned back onto the main hwy and spread out before me was TX, vast and unpopulated....untouched and unruined by the litter of life. To the left we passed a long winding dirt road that stretched into the sky, leading to what seemed like nowhere.......maybe heaven......as it zig zagged into the hills. A sign on the hwy pointed to the dirt road and said "Indian Pictographs" and an arrow pointed down the "road to nowhere". For the 1st time as we crossed bridges and went up and down the hills I felt like TX was mine. These were no longer roads that belonged to Brad and a life I have no part in but they were roads that not only I would travel but roads that belonged to me...that I now had part ownership in. Summers in Brady came back to me as I passed the great ranches that dotted the empty hwy. When another truck did finally come into view 2 fingers would stand up in a friendly TX manner to acknowledge and say hi. I had returned to the part of the country where the world still ticks to a slower clock and life is still enjoyed, people still drive big trucks and wave.
Finally......I know I have come home. Though it is 4 hrs away from any life I have ever lived or known and everyone I dearly love I know this is now our home. So, with great anticipation I pack up the house and look forward to a life in a town so small that you need a magnifying glass to locate it on the map.
Our great journey began a long time ago.....but finally a new chapter is being written. We move on.
It started Wed night when I arrived in San Angelo. I was already feeling very oppressed and even kind of depressed about the trip. We are tight on money and funded the trip in much faith that this was the course of action to take. After seeing his new station and meeting the guys we headed to the hotel only to find out that the debit card was declined and we had no money in the account at all. Brad, in a frantic hurry, raced over to the bank across town only to discover out the TITHE checks for the last month had both cleared within 2 days of each other and we are overdrawn by 221.00. There we were with nowhere to go, nowhere to stay, more than completely broke, hungry and Garrett was starving and had been for 2 hrs. We drove aimlessly. Brad was so mad that we finally just pulled over and prayed. We were able to get some pizza with the declined card that, for some reason, cleared at the Little Caesar's and so we sat in an empty parking lot and ate pizza as I fed Garrett in the front seat. It was a very lonely, desolate, forgotten feeling. We decided to head to Andrews.....another 2 1/2 hr drive.....and stay at his parents for the night. When they asked why he was bringing me and the 2 children he dodged the question but eventually they kept at it so he told them that some unexpected stuff came up and we couldn't stay in the hotel. They offered to pay for it since Pam was not real thrilled with me and the children staying with them (keeping your mother in law mad at you pays off sometimes!!!!! - hahahahaha!!!!! - no, just kidding). So, we went back to the hotel and I was more depressed than ever. Brad and I have both felt so led to tithe and now, not only had that backfired, but it also was such a desolate feeling and couldn't help but make us feel like the trip had started out on a really bad note and hoping it was not an indicator of things to come the next day.
So, I slept restlessly and finally morning came and it was time to see what the day had in store. We had to be there at 8:30 and were briefly briefed by our attorney and then once we entered had to sit and wait forever for the other 2 cases to be heard.......extremely boring!!!!! And then our case was heard and it took 1 1/2 hrs! It was all very intense and very convincing arguments from both sides. It came down to the judge either overruling what the annuity documents clearly define that we cannot do and overturning the annuity agreement or siding with the signed legal documents Ben signed and sticking with the legal argument of the contractual agreement that we were "bound" by. Brad had to take the stand and was examined and cross examined. Based on the deposition given to the judge and her preference for our side of the case it looked pretty good at the beginning but once we got into the reasons for doing this she questioned Brad to make sure we are fully aware of our decision to pursue this......which we have only spent the last 2 years researching and trying to figure out if we can make this work. In the end after a very long hard grueling 1 1/2 hrs she said that we had presented enough evidence that we are more than aware and very educated, more so than most of her cases, and it would be in the best interest of our family to rule in our favor.......so she did........after the other lawyer got his butt handed to him for disputing this....which of course he had no choice in since he represents the company that the annuity is with and they hired him, and he is employed by them to do nothing but contest these cases. Once it was finally over I couldn't even be happy at 1st. I just wanted to go home and go to bed. Neither one of us could believe that this is finally over and that we can be together again. The fact that Brad is on the fire dept went tremendously in our favor and we later found out that the judge herself commuted from San Angelo to Austin for 18 yrs. Her husband is a judge in SA and she was one for Austin. So, she has had very personal experience with living a married life apart due to commuting. There were so many emotions it was hard to take it all in. It was very surreal, as if I wasn't really living in the present. 2 years of being apart and it was turned around in a day.......in the span of 1 1/2 hrs. Neither one of us could really say much on the way back to the suburban and we packed up the hotel in an unworldly peace and quiet disbelief. Finally realization started to come to both of us and we couldn't talk enough about what took place in court.....the proceedings, the testimony, the entire morning. Finally, a ray of hope, a sign that God has indeed not forgotten us and is actually quite tuned in to where we are and the turning of our hearts towards Him after so many months of anger and depression.
We went to lunch with a guy and his wife from the station and then were off to our new tiny town so that I could finally see what our new house is like. Driving down the winding roads through the TX hills and massive ranches I began to feel like I had come home. We pulled into the tiny, sleepy, little town and turned down the neighborhood dirt street and came to stop in the driveway of the most beautiful dream I could ever imagine. There stood a little gray house with white shutters and trim on every window with flowers at every corner and a huge front porch with a swing and an old church bench. I met the guy that owns it that works with Brad and he showed us around the acreage and backyard. Mesquite trees are abundant and all I could think was how many Grayson will finally have to climb. They wind and twist and in their gnarled state make every little boys dream come true. Goats grazed in the pasture and incredibly strong new fencing surrounded them.....perfect for the goats.....and our dogs. There in the back was a garden filled with flowers on one side and herbs on the other with a little stone path through the middle that led to a big purple, custom built playhouse for the children. He wasn't finished building it so it has yet to be enclosed at the top but the bottom and all of the framing is painted a little girl purple. It only needs upper walls and a roof. Another porch swing, large and red, hung from the covered back porch that overlooks the backyard...which overlooks the Baptist preacher's backyard. I then learned the preacher is young and his wife is expecting their 1st baby in Dec and are thrilled with us buying the house. His church is directly across the street from our houses....so we'll walk to church. The front porch swing overlooks our front yard and the century old church. Deer graze freely in both the front and backyards early in the morning. I finally entered the house and he explained that his wife is the art teacher at the school and has a great love of color. Each and every room is tastefully painted and all trimmed in white. The wood floors were restored from the original 1930 house and in the addition they added there is tile. Finally I felt all of the suppressed emotions and wanted to laugh and cry. The yard has a tire swing and 2 traditional swings hanging from the trees and behind us stands the 6 acres that we will buy next Nov. He explained that this small town used to be the busiest town in the county due to the cotton industry and the trains ran right behind us on the 6 acres. On that 6 acres was a huge turn table for the engines and they'd bring the trains into town to load all of the cotton in the region and then turn them around and send them back out to the main tracks. When the train bridge washed away it destroyed the industry and the population fell, never returning to what used to be. In time they took the tracks out but if you go wander around back there on the 6 acres there are buried train treasures. He said last week he was walking around back there and came up with several different train pieces and all kinds of stuff from way back that people used as part of everyday life working on the railroad.
Finally as we drove out of town and I saw the true blip on the map that it is I began to feel like i was home. We passed the library that is a century old 1 story house with Victorian trim above the large welcoming white front porch. We turned back onto the main hwy and spread out before me was TX, vast and unpopulated....untouched and unruined by the litter of life. To the left we passed a long winding dirt road that stretched into the sky, leading to what seemed like nowhere.......maybe heaven......as it zig zagged into the hills. A sign on the hwy pointed to the dirt road and said "Indian Pictographs" and an arrow pointed down the "road to nowhere". For the 1st time as we crossed bridges and went up and down the hills I felt like TX was mine. These were no longer roads that belonged to Brad and a life I have no part in but they were roads that not only I would travel but roads that belonged to me...that I now had part ownership in. Summers in Brady came back to me as I passed the great ranches that dotted the empty hwy. When another truck did finally come into view 2 fingers would stand up in a friendly TX manner to acknowledge and say hi. I had returned to the part of the country where the world still ticks to a slower clock and life is still enjoyed, people still drive big trucks and wave.
Finally......I know I have come home. Though it is 4 hrs away from any life I have ever lived or known and everyone I dearly love I know this is now our home. So, with great anticipation I pack up the house and look forward to a life in a town so small that you need a magnifying glass to locate it on the map.
Our great journey began a long time ago.....but finally a new chapter is being written. We move on.
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