Everybody Birthday Party

Tonight we had the everybody birthday party for Daddy, Jackie, Evye, me, Channing, Garrison and Grant. I went with mixed emotions given the last get together we all had and the family stuff that seems to never end. But tonight was fun. It's so bittersweet. I don't really think I'm all that emotional about leaving and then all of the sudden we all get together and I realize how far we'll be from the family I've always been around......and then I think.......is that such a bad thing? But it is because I love them all, despite our differences and all of the pain and conflict we've all been through with each other. Not knowing when the next time will be that I ever see them again is kind of traumatic sometimes. I know Scott will ride his bike down and Daddy and I only see each other sparatically anyway. But reality is that I will probably only see Jackie and her children once a year from here on out given the separation that has grown between us and the little we see each other now. In all reality we'll see each other for this annual birthday gathering. I'm not sure they'll ever come down and see our house.

I don't know. I'm rambling. Sometimes there's just change so big in your life and you know going into it that it will never be the same and you'll never return to where you are and this is what that is for me. Brad is doing well and working up the ladder in San Angelo and there's much work to be done there and I think God may have us there to be instrumental. It seems so foreign to me to know we'll probably never return here to live and my children will actually say they are from a tiny west town TX...not that they're from here and moved there. Garrett will never remember being here at all. His whole life will be our new life. It just seems strange to me. It seems strange to me that these people I know so well that I have always been around will no longer even be close and with the miles there is also a kind of distance that takes place with a turning of direction and a parting of ways of sorts. It's a life no one will relate to. Will our children really only know each other by email pictures. Will we really watch each other's kids grow up in pictures?I wanted to cry tonight as we left. It seems like such an ending to a really long chapter. I think as hard and difficult as it's been these last 2 yrs with Brad gone I've learned how to do it all on my own and there's a certain security in that and a certain routine and sameness to the days. There's a comfort in knowing I have been given the grace for it all and what all has become familiar to me. Even the struggles of "single" parenting have become familiar and I know it can all be overcome because it always all is. I know that I've carried the load for 25 months now but to me it is the way life is and that's how I know it. So, moving to be a couple again and starting a true life together is daunting since I have had my family for so long and have become accustomed to being near them no matter what.......even when we're not even together in our marriage I've had my family. It doesn't make much sense, I know. Sometimes I'm not even sure what i'm trying to convey. It's just a feeling of many emotions that I don't know how to express. It's the intricacy with which life is woven and there are too many crossing threads to try and link them all together in the emotions I feel as every relationship is brought before me as we leave.

On another note, I got to meet Becky tonight......the girl Daddy's been with for years now.....though he's not really "with" her or whatever. She's so personable and really overly sweet. She was very easy to talk to. I don't know if I've just learned how to deal with being introverted and had to overcome it and shove it to the back for social etiquette or if I just don't care anymore. She definitely seems pretty great. She didn't look at all like what I imagined but her personality and how well kept and well spoken she is only added to her attractiveness. The more women I see Mother's age the more I realize how beautiful she really is. Sometimes I look in the mirror and want so badly to see what other people see. I atcually think it'd be better for me if I could see myself through other's eyes instead of the ones that are always so condemning. Curtis Wade told me twice how pretty I am and lately there's been numerous people that have commented but I still look in the mirror and see me.....bad hair, overweight, big legs, kind of thick everywhere and socially inept. Uncharasmatic I think is pretty much the word. It bothers me that I battle such issues sometimes and when I think of the guys that will gauk at Mother when I am standing there. It brings back the days of our trip to Maine and even days years before that when she and Jackie were front and center and I was continually overlooked. Does that ever go away? I guess those are some of the issues too that I have with Paint Rock......well, just a new place in general. Will I be able to overcome my natural tendencies of either being too much or not enough in order to blend well? Will they even think I'm pretty? And in reality does it even really matter? It doesn't.....but to me it does. And the saddest part is that if I was where I should be in my intimacy with the Lord I wouldn't even be thinking these thoughts since they are so entirely mortal and trivial in the grand journey of life.

I want my children to grow up thinking of me and holding me in the regard that I hold Mother. I want them to be proud to introduce their friends to me and think I am the prettiest thing in the world to them. I want them to grow up admiring what they hold dear not only inwardly but outwardly also.

I will miss Mother. I will miss Scott. I so wish that we could give back so much more than what they've poured out into our lives. I wish we could give back 100 fold to Mother and Daddy what they have given us in order to help us and bless us in the times when we weren't going to make it. We've been given so much through them and I wish we could give back so much more. I start to cry if I think about it too long. I feel so blessed by them and yet I watch Mother work through her issues when she still continues to pour out in love and I long with all my heart to give back so much more.

I wil miss Kelly. I will miss Daddy. I will miss Curtis and Jackie and the children. I will miss the rain.

I wish I could get past the emotions of this.