I fall to my knees and cry out in total abandonment to God. Who am I that God of creation, God of the universe would use me....use our family....to show His glory. That He would use me as a vessel through which to pour out His goodness and show His glory is incomprehensible to me. I stand at ocean's edge and try to wrap my head around how small I am and how big He is. A fleeting breath of wind, a mere grain of sand among trillions yet He hears the cry of my heart and He listens. He cares and He answers. It's like trying to wrap the arms of understanding around the base of Everest. When I've only begun to see his height, his depth, his breadth....life changes, discomforts fade, there is truly unimaginable joy in seeing the impossible made possible because of Him. Who am I that he would use me? Who are we that He would use our family to demonstrate His love to the world? I turn into Him and see with new eyes. This house we occupy...it's a gift, an opportunity to love the unloveable. The landlord.....he thinks the world of us and is asking us not to leave. Despite all of my griping he honestly loves each and every one of our kids and sings their praises. His overprotective nature comes from a true love for them, as he parents his own children this way also. He sees in Brad and our children what he longs for in life. Fulfillment and joy...and he longs to be there. I drop to knees and ask of the Lord repeatedly..."Why us? Why have you pursued and not given up???? Why are we here with You?" And over and again I hear...it is confirmed in so many ways, "Because you are unschooled and ordinary. You are nothing. I am all." It is not until we are stripped of it all that He can come in and show Himself through us. We have been stripped of pride. We have endured the judgement of the world as knowledge of what happened was known. Judgement that we failed as parents. Judgement that we had too many kids to adequately look out for the wellbeing of each and we suffered one of the most disastrous consequences because of it. People rallied around us to support us but many stood in judgement and total condemnation over what we had "allowed" to happen. Pride...it burned to ashes in the pain. And I know that without Him I am not capable of anything. Pride does not exist when you have been taken to such lows. ...because I know deeply that tomorrow I am capable of failing so devastatingly yet again. I. Am. Not. Adequate. But because of a God that loves me more than life itself...His own life...He will sustain and heal and raise up the broken just so others may see His glory.
Summer....heat...July....it is an earth shaking annual reminder that I am nothing. But Jesus+nothing=everything. Seems a little elementary. Too elementary. But when I add me into the equation...Jesus+me=complete inability to work. Because there is no room for me when there is communion with him And I find that the safest place to be. There is no reputation to uphold because I know more than ever that I can never in a lifetime maintain any kind of pedestal status. The only thing I can be is real. And honest and forthright in everything that I do.
There is no salvation in the law and total legalism. There are no boundaries in a life where every act is covered in grace and it's a christian idealism that it's easier to get forgiveness than permission. There is only Him. In Him and through Him, through His words, there is total balance. There is grace, there is forgiveness, there are boundaries. There is total, all consuming joy that most people in the world will never know. It won't ever be known until it is realized that the watered down, American Jesus that apathetic, comfortable Christians portray isn't really Jesus at all. It's not the Jesus of the Bible. It's the comfortable American Jesus. Pick and choose what you wanna follow so no discomfort is ever experienced. But in the discomfort and dying to self comes total, all consuming, absolute supernatural joy....when one's heart is stayed on Him..... what I can accomplish for Him....rather than what He can do for me. Total death of self.
I see Him in our children. I see and hear about their visions for life. I stand in awe that they are learning from us in this journey what it is to follow and long for Him. Hearts submitted at early ages. That they have been spared what I was taught growing up....that they do not have a lifetime of false teachings to overcome. That as we lay down self and learn to live in radical abandonment to Him, so they are taught also.
Unschooled and ordinary. I failed every English class I ever took. I am not an educated writer. My sentences get too long and over half are run-ons. The posts are way too long for any person to ever survive. I say politically incorrect things. I cuss and offend. I scream and yell at my kids and then blog about it. I gripe. I whine. I complain. I entertain week long pity parties. But somewhere in there He has saved to make his glory known through us. He uses the highly fallible and broken....the one stripped of all reputation, all pride, everything this world esteems....to make known His power. And in being stripped of everything the unattainable joy is attained when we finally realize what it is to draw near to him.....cling to Him for our very life. Because without him there is no life....there is merely existence. Absolute, total desperation. It's a beautiful thing. In the physical discomfort, the death of self, comes total fulfillment in Him....only if you move beyond the self centered nature of fallible human-ness and embrace the bigger vision of Him. There is a world he longs in which He longs to make himself known through those that are willing to be used.
He has answered us in our constant fervent intercession of this house. As we have driven there and walked and prayed for about an hour each day over the course of the last 5 weeks He has come and done things we never in a lifetime saw coming. Given us visions far beyond just a house. Visions of opening up the doors to so many. Visions of a house of faith and blessing to others. How 12 years of vacancy can be turned into something that proclaims that He lives and His glory and splendor is unsurpassed. That he lives, breathes, ad still moves mountains so that all will testify of His existence. Slowly, over the past few weeks as we have sought His heart and prayed, it has become a story that's not about us, but all about Him. That those who doubt may see that He still lives. And though disappointment would be experienced on our part I know that He doesn't have any reputation to uphold. We reached a place that, despite our desires, if He didn't move in this situation it was just ok. Day after day we prayed. We checked mail for a supernatural work as each day our outlook began to change. It's not about our comfort but what we can accomplish for Him....what he can do through us to make Himself known.
We attended auction yesterday. Children sat quietly against wall and place began to fill. People perusing and studying home we already know by heart. Home now filled with the prayers entire family has prayed as He has given vision. Vision of home filled with people wanting to know Him intimately, searching as we are. Vision of home filled with 11 children and yet more from the nations who have been added to our family. Little disciples being trained to go back out into the world making Him known to the nations. Laborers of love as they make His presence known to those around them. Passionate disciples for Him raised in a house of faith in a little prayer closet out in the woods.
People gathered. Auctioneer began. No takers. Beginning bid was dropped. No takers yet again. People filled expansive downstairs of home. Nothing. Finally man came forward. "I'll give you 10,000.00."
Auctioneer "Well, I'll take it as a starting bid but we'll have to go up from there. Bank'll never accept it."
He worked to get to 20,000.00 where bidding ended. He made the call to pack it up, as it was a total waste of time for everyone. No contract could be written as bids were so far below reserve price. And all walked away with house still sitting, prayed over in every regard. God did not shut the doors for us and the vision lives on. Auctioneer and old man friend came to talk to our family at length, loving on kids, teasing and talking....falling in love with family. They walked away, after hearing our story of this house and being told why we could not bid and the faith story, and now are praying on our behalf as well. As our story has traveled we now have 2 entire churches praying and a multitude of people praying as well. Others waiting...watching....a world of people who refuse to believe watching to see if He exists. And yesterday...infamous auction day....it did not become our's but neither did it sell. And so the fervent prayers continue with growing excitement and anticipation of watching him work. Not only is it not over....our story has only just begun! Oh that we may live a life that screams that He lives. Wholly and totally, completely ruined for the ordinary.
Let it be noted that we are limited to phones and 3G Internet access until the 1st. Blogging at any length on a phone is a bit difficult and thoughts are hard to convey. Any amount of blogging will be entirely limited until the 1st.
