Some things...they just need to wait to be pondered for awhile before being put into written form. And sometimes as I process through life I rush to put reason to feeling, attempt to make sense of seeming nonsense, right the world of perceived injustices, all while still wallowing in self pity. This blog can easily become those thoughts in motion, though in those unglorious moments truth and honesty...and all of their dark sides....are seen in their entirety....raw, uncensored, life in the moment. And the "
Trouble in Paradise" post, for those that read it, was just exactly that. I removed it for a short while until an update could be posted, as it ranked right up there in the top 10 of the most self centered blog posts made here....written in the weary blur of sleepless early morning hours while wrestling with all of life...violently fighting the tides of change like I tend to so awesomely do.
To quote it exactly (emphasis added), "And reality is....
I don't even have the energy to fight neighbor D and her bitterness.
I want to enjoy my children for awhile. Focus on them and not project after project, plunging toilets 50 thousand times a day, always sleeping lightly while listening for smoke alarms due to massive electrical issues, continually pouring myself out to a man and his family that are currently unhappy with us for leaving.
I just want to read to my kids again, pile up on couch and watch a rainy day movie, go play and plant and garden outside without the constant vigil of being pursued by unhappy people. And
I'm tired of going uphill in other people's houses, fighting to win the hearts of others and love the hateful."
Yep...I really said that. "I'm tired of going uphill, fighting to win the hearts of others and love the hateful." Ummm....Mother Teresa of the Year award winner right there, people. Reality is, in the past 27 1/2 months of our life, I
have read to my kids, we
have piled up on the bed watching rainy day movies, piled up in sickness....probably more often than any other family I know in that regard, actually.... we
have played outside, and played hard, while we have worked hard. We have cried in all the heartache, all the homesickness, all the frustration. We have laughed together.....laughed so much and so hard....laughed the tears away....laughed until we cried. And these past 27 1/2 months...they haven't been lost. We have, in fact, grown together and pulled together in ways that humble just due to the sheer nature of what has been required of us. We have been drawn intimately together as a family, lives surged together by learning to forgive and love rather than being ripped apart by the seeming injustices that have been catapulted our way in mass volume. We have gathered around a crackling fire on cold nights and discussed as a family what it is to choose love, show mercy....even in those moments when hate and bitterness seem the only way out. These years here, they have grown us, bound us together with colored threads of intense life lessons...tiny stitches quilting together chaotic blocks as we walk it all out. And then something begins to take shape....something of great meaning and epic proportion....a masterpiece of sorts. Together, as a family, we have learned what it is to just love and love wholly, love fully, love unconditionally. The love that we have learned....it's a deep intense abiding love where joy is derived. Shocking, mind blowing joy. Love that moves mountains, conquers the world, changes people. Soul searching love. And it feels good. So how is it that I can say in my weary state that I am tired of loving the hateful? I just wanna break? Really? And my favorite most often quoted statement of the last few weeks while unabashedly swimming in pity...."Even Jesus took a break.
He had periods of rest. Why can't we?" Cause, after all, we all know I rank right up there with Jesus so I deserve a break too. Pafreakinthetic.
So, after that loving little post I analyzed the entire neighbor situation to death, proceeded to beat it with a stick til it was a little deader than dead, wore myself out with hating her a little...or a lot....and stayed in a perpetual, I-need-Xanax, bad mood for way longer than I should have. Moving again is out of the question. There is nowhere to go. And despite all the homesick talk and serious contemplations of leaving this eastern state and returning home....reality is....our life is here now. We are not prepared for another move of sizable proportions. Our primary focus right now is getting the van back on the road... again. After having entire transmission replaced it strained original to van engine and engine itself went out. And engines are just a little more expensive than transmissions. So even if we did attempt a move home.... just how exactly do we all get there???? There are indeed things we miss.....homesick hearts yearn for....but, for now, our place is here. But if we stay...we have no way to acquire land at this point despite any housing options we come up with. So, after many long heart talks there is no living in denial to the reality that is our current living situation. At the bottom of it all we have nothing to fear, we can do anything for 18 months, and how.....HOW exactly after all we've walked in these last few years.....can any of us get to a place that excuses us from just loving?? I did not forgive my daughter's perpetrator, look him in the eye, watch the justice system completely fail her, and continue to share the same town with him and his family...I did not choose to love and forgive them...only to get to a crazy, authority calling, cat lady to now grow mean and bitter or just give up. I have not come this far only to grow weary of love in verb form. I did not lose a baby and go through what I did those 14 wks only to end it all here. I did not live through two years of mice and mold and floods and choose love every step of the way only to be defeated by this lonely woman.
And then, per my husband's and children's heart searching questions, we did what we seem to do best these days...and we began to love neighbor D. We smiled each time she came and went, we continued to let her horses graze freely in our pasture, we kept our dogs out of said pasture, children respected her need for a quiet existence and while they continued to play they were not raucously obnoxious and have respected her quiet hours of evenings and weekends. We continued to let them play...but have instilled noise level awareness....or did the best we could when dealing with 12 outdoor loving kids, 9 of those being 9 and under. Neighbor D...she would come and stand at property line, messing with horses, scrutinizing kids. Hands on hips at times....just watching....glaring, it seemed. And me....I continued fretting and worrying...and stayed unhappy....and did a superb job of harboring a great dislike for the new unwelcome person within our lives. This person that appeared to be perched in wait for the stray kid that escaped the house without shoes on in 50 degree weather, the one pulling off some seemingly life threatening stunt. But still...we just loved. No retaliation, no putting in calls to landlord to report horses illegally grazing, no reporting her standing in our pasture watching kids, no blowing guineas off of our property with a shotgun, only kindness as she stood menacingly at fence line and looked freakily on while they played. According to others, we have allowed her to "run over us". While this has been perceived by many we knew the deeper aspects of doing what it is we do...and we have continued on quietly in total peace. We are not running in fear, and we did not go into retaliation mode and declare WWIII. We have just lived peaceably with her....and we have loved.
So it was that off shift husband and I walked the perimeter of property marking path of future inground dog fence. And there was neighbor D. And we spoke. And she spoke back. Thus began a conversation with a woman who's heart is being slowly changed...a crazy, lonely, cat woman totally mesmerized by the dynamics of the family she sees and the little people she has watched play for 3 weeks now. This same woman threatening to call authorities on us only a few short weeks ago and finding every reason she possibly could to have us evicted now stands at gate offering to help us plant garden, asking if I've thought of what I'd like to start, as she has seeds to share. Neighbor D....she has a
flourishing garden. She has crap growing in the WINTER. I didn't even know crap grew in the winter....but somehow she manages to coax it upward in sub zero temps. She offers to help us begin. We talk...the 3 of us....with baby girl hugged to chest, smiling cheerily in Ergo while mild little twin man stood patiently by our side. All others had a rowdy game of football taking place in open field beyond. So we talk of houses, gardens, chickens, dogs, horses, life....and she laughed while kids played in background. In her conservative, still reclusive nature...she laughed. Nearing the end of conversation the ultimate and impossible took place....this woman that so hated us, was so hell bent on rehoming us, that loathed the very thought of all of our kids, cannot tolerate kids in general, placed phone calls to landlord in efforts of wreaking havoc, threatened to call authorities if any property violations and questionable behavior took place, that stood at fence line afternoon after repeated afternoon scrutinizing the activity of our children....that same woman offers us her chickens...all of them. For free. Her 20 beautiful laying hens, her 2 roosters, her feeders, her waterers, everything. The people currently taking care of them are moving and unable to take chickens with them. She doesn't want the upkeep. She's watched our kids, she says they're happy and respectful, so very happy, she knows we miss our chickens.
And just like that...she begins to love us back. Because we didn't retaliate, we didn't bite back, we didn't hate, we didn't launch fiery death missiles in return. We just loved. And love...it just speaks every language and breaks every barrier known to mankind. She brings out gardening catalogs and gives them freely in her conservative manner.....this woman that hated us with such ferocity that it turned our world upside down. And I wrote....mere weeks ago I actually laid in a puddle of pathetically self centered tears and stated that I am tired of loving the hateful. 3 weeks. THREE short weeks...though they seemed a little long and tense in the process.....but 3 weeks and this lady....she has bloomed with the respect shown to her, the love given, the smiles flashed her way, the children that bubble and exude life and love and joy. And we could've missed it all.
I gratefully accept chicken offerings of love from her and let her know that we will begin preparing our chicken space now knowing they are coming. We talk awhile longer of menial things before she returns to topic. The ultimate gift from her that day.....we are free to use her predator proof coop of steel. I tentatively make it known that an arrangement such as that would require kids being on her property, as I won't be the primary caretaker of them. And since her biggest fear has been having to shoo kids off her property I found it necessary to enlighten her that chickens staying in their current coop would require child passage. In yet another shocking twist she states rather stoically that they are welcome to come care for chicken's in current coop on her property. From calling authorities, from threatening landlady with "them or me", from utter hatred....to chickens and kids and gardens. Love, people. Just love. Because it truly speaks every language and breaks every barrier.
"Be the embodiment of: Courage. Love. Resilience. Forgiveness. The truth is that this is the Code of Life. Walk in courage when you are afraid. Love when loving is hard. Be resilient when life knocks you down. And lastly, forgive and cover when it is not convenient or what we want to do. Show the world that love truly does conquer hate. And that vengeance is the providence solely of a just God."
Sophia A. Nelson on Nelson Mandela's life.
Picture post to follow soon.
