The Simple Woman's Daybook

The Simple Woman's Daybook

Ohhhhh.....here we go again with no spaces. You gotta love blogger. It's the world's largest run on paragraph.

Outside my window........dark, stormily washed, wee morning hours

I am thinking......that I wish I could fall asleep in my husband's arms tonight.

I am thankful......that he has a good job and there is a reason I cannot.

I am wearing......honestly???? An old t-shirt and underwear...with socks. It's what I'll sleep in...if I ever go to sleep.

I am remembering......that I cleaned out the entire back 4 car carport for 5 entire hours yesterday with only a ton of little helpers to "help" and it still is not finished. Yep....it was that bad.

I am going......to finish it tomorrow. And if I can stand the heat, finish the attic too.

I am reading.......A Walk in the Woods.....funny stuff!!! Even not so book loving husband is reading it now. Caution: heavy language is used sporadically throughout so if you think you might be offended there are probably better choices out there for you.

I am hoping.....that I do not have to fix another meal for another year. But I will sleep and I will wake up and feel refreshed and I will again fix another meal...and another...and then sweet, dearly loved, so appreciated cooker husband will come bail me out like he so patiently does and fix dinner for everybody.

I am hearing.......not the TV.

Noticing that......it is almost June, I am 18 weeks and I can now regularly feel our baby move.

From the kitchen....nothing even appetizing.

Around the house......tons and tons of white and black chicken feathers from the 3 chickens that did suicidal dives into the backyard yesterday afternoon. Collected and drug in by no less than 4 feather loving little boys. Yep....our beloved white giant rooster that was so entirely loveable and one of the original black hens that we have had 2 years. The 3rd one actually managed to survive her brush with death in the 100 lb dog's jaws....her 2nd escape from a dog's mouth. She is by far our best hen and despite our commitment to not become attached to chickens has been the one hen we really fell in love with. She actually comes when you call her. The children nursed her back to health, gave her an indoor box to sleep in despite the dire predictions I gave them. She just wasn't looking so swell. Amazingly this chicken that could not even walk after being chewed up by the dog slept in the house, awoke and after a night's worth of hand feeding her and putting water to her beak got up and began walking around the house. They deposited her back outside in the side yard this morning with the few other chickens that stay up close and she's living still. Tough bird. Her romantic name the children gave her? Slobbery. Appropriately but nastily deemed after how slobbery she was after surviving her first encounter with a dog.

One of my favorite things......my children. All 8...and even 9.....of them. They are my delight. They bring happiness and laughter to my heart. They never cease to amaze me, bring me joy, say the funniest things, do the funniest things and inspire me to be everything I am not...everything I want to become.

From my picture journal.....

Life Beyond the TV

....or better known as restless, all out, unceasing boredom. So, I will fess up. I was raised 100% Bill Gothard in every way....envision the Duggar's and that was our family...just on a scale of about 10 times smaller. Yep...the dresses and jumpers for girls, the khaki pants with knit collared shirts for boys, the no dancing, the no TV, only hymns for music family. We did have TV once at the very beginning of our days...before we realized the contagious conviction of others that suddenly came to visit our own dwelling. And in those days of limited TV we were allowed to watch 1 hr each day M-Sat. So, every Monday through Friday from 5-6 pm we gathered around our gigantic 500 lb ancient box and Little House on the Prairie entertained us. Saturday mornings we watched the old, truly good Bugs Bunny and Tom and Jerry....the original ones. That was the extent of my TV viewing from 5 yrs old until I left home at 20. I was deprived. Just as my own children have been all of these years by very stringent guidelines I have now come to appreciate.


So one can imagine my joy upon meeting my husband and discovering the world of cable that existed far beyond Mary, Laura and Carrie, Bugs, Daffy, Elmer and good ole Foghorn Leghorn....which is the very reason, by the way, we have a real live Fogorn Leghorn chicken running around in our pasture, much to humorous husband's delight. But I have been deeply in love every since....with cable, that is. And our foghorn leghorn chicken too, I suppose, but more importantly and not deviating from the topic.....cable TV. On the chicken note though.....somehow in some strange turn of events when naming him his name went from Foghorn Leghorn in which I stated obviously and quite ignorantly that we couldn't just call him by his breed name....never guessing in my ignorance that they are only Leghorns...not exactly FOGHORN Leghorns. Yep...I would later find that out when calling dear McMurray's Hatchery and having the dude go into fits of laughter as I asked a question concerning their Foghorn Leghorns. The answer with lots of refrained masculine chuckles...."Uhhh....ma'am? We don't have anything by that name. I'm assuming you're asking about our white Leghorns? They ARE the type Foghorn was...uhh, if you are speaking about the one in the cartoon, ma'am.....but they do not grow to anything even near his size." With even more rounds of chuckles before all out laughter. Well...thank you dear sir, now that I feel like a stupid idiot.

Anyway...so I much later came to learn that Foghorn is not exactly his breed name...but I didn't exactly know that at the time. So, as I stated earlier, we couldnt' exactly call him by his supposed breed name so chicken name loving husband asked...."What about Ricky for Ricky Leghorn?" I still to this day have no clue who Ricky Leghorn is or was but he assured me he was a real dude at one point and thought it was hysterically funny to have a rooster named Ricky. So, on the chicken note...actually more on the cartoon Foghorn Leghorn note....we somehow ended up with a real live chicken that eventually went from Foghorn to Ricky the rooster for Leghorn. Whatever. Makes me confused just thinking about it.


So, as it was, I came to love cable. And I'm not talking merely love it but I mean really love it. TV watching husband had never known what it was to live without cable so it was a necessity in his book. So, the 1st year of our marriage consisted of me being glued to the TV during non working hours as I caught up on a whole life's worth of deprivation. I could not believe the world beyond on the big bube tube. And on another quite ignorant note...I used to actually believe it was nicknamed the "boob tube" due to the graphic nature of what all I learned was revealed on even the most mundane of shows. Why it is actually called a bube tube...not a boob tube...., I still have no clue. I could go look it up but I don't even care why. I just know people called it that at one point. Public schooled, cable watching husband was quite amused during our 1st few years of marriage as he began to truly understand my ignorance concerning all of life.....despite the few wild years I had lived. Ironically, during the 2 yrs I spent being rowdy before we married I was actually so poor that I never had the money for cable. So, despite the little carnal knowledge I gained from those brief years it was not from any TV watching experiences...and I somehow managed to stay blissfully naive even when living among the wolves of the world. My naivety concerning some things in life still continues to confound my husband at times.


Back to cable. After I had successfully watched every show humanly possible and every rerun at least twice my TV watching days eventually settled into a mere few hours in the afternoon as 2 young children slept. As we added children TV took a backburner and became a luxury. By the time we had 5 I was either sleeping with them or cleaning house in the quiet hours. Somewhere around Garrett we turned cable off completely and had no TV reception at all and went without any viewing experiences for an entire year. Amazingly, it was fun for both of us. We eventually added it back due to beginning to miss it and settled into a routine of staying busy and active with children and outside activities and then comfortably bedding down at night to watch a couple of very anticipated hours of HGTV, the History channel, Discovery Health, National Geographic or other fun educational stuff together. The house was quiet and this became our time to wind down and just be with each other. For me it meant that I am still...for the first time that day..head lays quietly in husband's lap as he rubs my head and plays with long strands of dark hair. We just lay absorbed, sometimes quietly...alot of the time laughingly.....in the sweet presence of each other's companionship...watching the wonder and nature of the planet, the disgustingness of Dirty Jobs, or dream about far away places on the coast of where we someday will live. TV became our longed for downtime. Long gone were the days of depressing CSI and other nasty, dreary dramas. We'd gotten to a point of the children not even knowing what TV is, never having any desire to watch due to much more alluring outside activities, and our guarded alone time was an hour or 2 each night spent with each other just watching interesting educational fun stuff.

So, then came the recent events of pairing down on absolutely everything in life. Luxuries were tossed in an order to be more frugal and efficient with the money we are responsible for. Sooo...painfully....the cable went. Along with the house phone and several other things. I can live without the house phone...easily.


The cable, on the other hand...much to Bill Gothard's utter dismay....is sorely missed. And on these specific lonely nights when shift husband is off saving the day I am left to the quiet rhythmic breaths of a sleeping house. And then boredom sets in and then an overall restlessness with all of life. No book satisfies, no writing eases the restless soul, no magazine allures, and no house cleaning even begins to look appealing. So, I sit and the agitation grows. In an effort to give myself something to anticipate at the end of the day I spend the hours pumping up in my head the long hot shower that awaits.....enough glorious time to shave both above and below the knee, enough time to be considered sinful just washing hair, enough time to just stand there and let water fall over me like rain in the quiet. And so the dark quiet hours roll around and I do exactly that. And I fall, once more, in love with the smell of toothpaste, mouthwash, shampoo and conditioner, deodorant, body spray and shimmery lotion. And after the self indulgence has swiftly passed I am left still restless, still longing for his company, still wondering what could be on TV that I'll never know. Alot of time passed, time spent on bath and body but no closer to any contentment of mind, body and soul. Restlessness pervades and the clock seems to stand still for hours. Ramblings of restlessness...nothingness......fill page.

And I have decided that life beyond the TV does not exist....at least on shift nights. When he's home we now read quietly together...or I'll read to him. But even that kinda sucks since you can't very well read to somebody and have your head rubbed at the same time. I'd like to think that on shift nights I could quietly curl up under covers, propped on pillows and do something deeply meaningful and spiritual like reading endless hours of the Bible....but it's just not happening, at least not now. So, I sit and I try not to ponder too deeply or think too deeply and instead just write random words of nothingness for no one.

So, life beyond cable...it doesn't really seem to exist tonight. Boredom, restlessness, and a deep longing for salmon, a baked sweet potato and a massive Frappachino is what overtakes the soul on this unending night. How can one have lived through 11 years worth of 24 hour shifts....many of them 48 hour shifts and some even 72 and 96 hour shifts....and still be this lonely and this restless and this bored when away from him? One of these days I'll get used to it......someday. But until we get the history channel, and TLC and HGTV and National Geographic back I'm guessing they're just going to be alot longer than normal. We are one of those few large homeschooling families that really truly love cable. There's only about 5 channels we go between but I do love having it. The children do not even know what it is to watch TV. It's not really even a part of their life....not really intentionally but somewhat intentionally to some extent. We began with guidelines such as only "this" is acceptable. Somewhere we've transitioned into no longer even needing it since it was just eventually phased out and overtaken with other things to do. But, for me, I really do love it. And at the current moment I'm bored and restless and have nothing to do.....or nothing I want to do.

Picture Journey - 16 weeks

For the 16 wk picture we were driven indoors due to the plague of gnats and flies. After fighting them in our ears, eyes and noses we were about done. And it definitely added some difficulty to getting any decent picture when none of us could actually stand still long enough to take a picture that didn't end up blurry. So, despite the flash and the fact I kinda got crop happy and cropped everything out but pretty much me it turned out decent enough to at least get the general idea of size. Reason for cropping??? I may keep a clean straight house and require much organization from us all I really only wipe down door facings and walls once every season. I suppose after looking at the pics today maybe I should add that to the children's chore list. It's a little scary. It doesn't exactly help that the previous owners only had 2 teenage children and her paint choice consisted of flat paint. And flat paint really means that if you scrub it at all you are left with a big pale bare spot in the middle of what used to be a golden sunset colored wall. Their family of 4 was only ever home to sleep and that's about it. Every wall surface is smothered in flat paint....if that tells you anything about their lifestyle. Our crew definitely brought new life to this place 24/7 and broke it in in ways people never thought possible. We are the reason someone created a high gloss, washable paint choice. And as far as just daily wear and tear house use.......so far the children's bathroom wall has rotted out and entire sections of tile are now falling out due to more people being bathed in 4 yrs than a normal bathroom sees in it's entire lifetime. The original wood floor has entire boards caving in due to more people walking on them than have ever walked on them in their entire 70 yrs worth of existence. The kitchen cabinet doors have completely fallen off due to hinges having given way. Yep.....we use our house. And the walls and door facings show it. But, honestly....if the bathrooms are clean, the floors are clean, the cabinets are scrubbed down and disinfected and everything is straight, organized and decluttered I'm good. The walls? Well....the walls will just have to wait. Maybe one day when there are no young children continually smearing mud and colleche laden dust turned mud onto every flat surface that exists and we only have grandchildren to enjoy I'll have walls worthy of an interior decorator's magazine ad. Until then....think I'll just stick to cropping all of that crap out.



Concerning the real reason for this post....baby related topics of discussion....I am now 16.3 weeks along. It's a bit strange to me to think I am actually far enough along that we could find out baby's gender right now if I had an appt. I don't feel that big. I don't even feel that far along. I do feel baby move from time to time but it's usually late at night when the rest of the world is finally quiet. During the day I think I just stay so active that I tend to not even notice...or am just unable to feel it due to movement still being so light and fluttery. Four weeks from tomorrow we will indeed find out what exactly baby is as long as he/she feels the urge to cooperate. Ultrasound appointment is set for June 14th at 11:30am. Though it does feel like somewhat of a countdown I am actually feeling quite content and not going entirely crazy with anticipation of finding out. I think knowing there is no pressing need for a headcount and that there is indeed only one baby it's just fun to revel in the gender suspense for awhile. There was some debate given as to whether this baby will be our first "surprise" baby upon delivery. But, as sweet impatient husband says...."It's either a surprise at 20 wks or a surprise at 40 wks. So, let's just be surprised now." He can't stand the wait and, honestly, I just really want to see a healthy moving baby this time around. The image of a still lifeless baby tends to stick with one for an indefinite period of time. So, it's just time to see a sweet growing baby that flourishes within. Four weeks it is!

The Simple Woman's Daybook

The Simple Woman's Daybook



Outside my window.....children in the sprinkler.







I am thinking.......that there are days when I am very very very tired of the endless attacks on our family...and some days it is enough to make me question everything I have ever known.







I am thankful for.......a husband that knew absolutely nothing about working on vehicles when we got married but after 11 yrs and being forced to save in ways we never thought possible he has learned how to work on vehicles and fix pretty much anything. I am thankful for all of the guys at the station who can help him learn and that go out of their way to help us with anything. That they have offered their own trucks for me to drive when in need. And that through trial and error mechanic husband now knows what it is to trouble shoot and fix it all...teaching Grayson and all of the boys all along the way so that they know the things neither of us did early in life. I am thankful that he was able to fix the van and no permanent damage was done....and that only the power fluid steering pump, the water pump and the radiator needed to be replaced....that the money was there when we needed it and instead of 2,700 dollars for a place like Firestone to do the repairs we were only out 450.00.










I am wearing.....running gear.







I am remembering.....that anger...and so much of it...is all part of the grieving/healing process and someday this too will all pass. But until then I will live, I will make it through this and I am NOT abandoned or forsaken...and somehow neither was Aubrey or myself or our family. That I will not deny the existence of God and that the absolute loss of trust in Him I feel right now will be restored at some point. And there IS a purpose to all of this and I will praise Him through all of the heartache, through the tears, through the rage, through the questions and the temptation to just walk away and quit. I will continue on. I will raise my children up in the admonition of the Lord because I will not give up. And I will continue to repeat..."Blessed be Your name, in the land that is plentiful, where the streams of abundance flow. Blessed be Your name. When I'm found in the desert place, though I walk through the wilderness. Blessed be Your name. On the road marked with suffering...when there's pain in the offering. Blessed be Your name. When the darkness closes in still I will say, blessed be Your name. I will turn it all into praise. You give and take away and still I will choose to say, Blessed be Your name."
....even when my heart is so far away from feeling it, the lies rage in my head, my heart doesn't feel like singing and I go to sleep and awake in seeming hopelessness. I will do this and there will be victory in the battlefield of the mind. I am ready for answered prayers, for the remainder of our debt to be paid in full as we work continually so hard at it and are continually set back...as we pray fervently. I am ready to know that I am not responsible for the loss of her hearing. I am ready for God to heal her. I am ready to wake up from this never ending nightmare.
I know that God can heal. I am ready to know that He does heal and this is not punishment for my negligence....that He is not rejecting me and that I am not talking to a brick wall. I am ready to believe again that when we trust Him to protect our children that He does not fail. I am ready to no longer entertain thoughts that our dogs can do a better job at protecting us than God can. That when we pray He does answer.
I am ready to move somewhere were dreams come true and just escape all of this. I am tired. My mind is tired. My emotions are tired. But I will not quit. He is so much bigger and I know He is....sometimes it's just so hard to see it.








I am going......to live in a sprawling villa in the Costa Rica mountains overlooking the ocean as our children grow up in a different culture that is slower and surrounded by coastal beauty, the breathtaking views that mountains provide, and rain.....and the kindness of others.








I am reading.......A Walk in the Woods by Bill Bryson. A humorous story of hiking the Appalachian Trail...which someday I will indeed accomplish.






I am hoping......that oneday long uttered prayers will be answered.








I am hearing....."Bring it on Home to Me" by Little Big Town. A favorite.






Noticing that......between running and the Brazilian Butt workout they actually kinda work....even when you're pregnant. I guess there's no real reason that you can't lift and firm the butt when only your stomach is growing....in theory anyway. You can't really stop the scale from climbing but at least you can make it look like you kinda did....sorta. If you don't take into account the whole stomach thing.




From the kitchen.....Cottage cheese with mandarin oranges and a homemade, fat free, white chocolate peppermint frappachino...complete with fat free whip cream. I'm thinking it might be worth the blender cleanup afterall.






Around the house.......a 2 page long to-do list, a city council meeting to prepare for, a dinner that needs to be made and a baby that wants up from her nap.




One of my favorite things.....mango mandarin body spray from Bath and Body Works....about the only scent I can tolerate right now.






From my picture journal.....

So they could've had better expressions but it's still fun to see them all lined up

The downside of a family closet

But with about 5 minutes worth of work from 2 girls it's back to looking like this.

Evye playing with the camera...kind of an interesting shot. Not so much of a little boy anymore.

Missing Scott

With almost all of them

My younger brother...by all of 19 months....came home from LA a week and a half ago so the latter part of our week was spent with him here. After making the rounds in Dallas he made the 3 hr trip from Fort Worth with Mother to come spend some of his time home with us. So it is that we spent the last 1/2 of the week just enjoying the sweet presence of his dearly missed company. He may live in LA these days but when we're together it's as always...as if no time has ever elapsed. The bond only strengthens throughout the years as we both grow and the friendship from childhood exists long into adulthood. Familiarity, camaraderie, humor, the memories of the past and the fun of the present....the depth we have in understanding everything about each other. How different the lives we live...the worlds in which surround us. LA actor/model living in a sea of faces, drowned in an ocean of concrete, scantily clad girls on miles of beaches.....as I sit and write surrounded by no less than 3 crowing roosters, dirt roads, cactus, dust, jeans and boots, rattlesnakes, 8 rowdy, entirely wet, laughing children waving at the 3 cars that have ventured out on this cool, windy spring day. How different our worlds but how close we remain.


I love that he loves our children like he does. The greatest compliment came as we talked on the phone this past week and he made the comment that he is taken with our crew....that they're each individually intelligent, entertaining, intriguing, well spoken, humorous, well behaved and enough to make him want his own. He said they make even the hardest of hearts rethink not having children. Maybe so. Who knows. He has limited interaction with any children these days so sometimes I think he expects the little ones to be a bit of a nuisance that interrupt constantly. I love that everytime he leaves he sings their praises and provides nothing but encouragement to us in our endeavors of raising this crew. It's encouragement to the soul when all of the training, time, energy and effort put into them becomes apparent to others...that we are not the only ones who enjoy the company of our crew....that they have the ability to be enjoyable to others....especially the ones you love the most.

Daddy joined us all on the 2nd day of Mother and Scott's visit so some of the pics were taken by Daddy...some from Scott's phone.


I miss him.

Uncle Scott's #1 fan

Uncle Scott and Evye

Gavin

Garrison

Garrett

Still Garrett...with his huge, blue, puppy dog eyes.

Everybody...minus the never stationary Ivye-girl. Grant sporting his new knee pads. These things only come off of him long enough for him to shower. I am quite convinced that if it was not a forced issue he'd be quite content to shower with them on too. He even sleeps with them on.

w/ Grant

Evye and sweet baby girl

Ev and Garrison

Readers and Riders

After a day spent on bikes. Notice how red Garrett's face is. I had to drag him off the bike and he was a sweaty mess. His head is so big and so top heavy that he's always got some kind of something going on with it. That scrape would be from head meeting concrete a few days ago. So, the empty spot was left for a showering Grant...who happened to never show up for the funny spontaneous pics we had going. You gotta love Ivye's wildly bad hair. It's so bad it's almost cute......almost.

I never cease to be amazed....even after all of the milestones one eventually experiences after having 8 children. We have agreed that riding a bike is as huge as the walking, potty training, reading milestones they all reach. Bike riding undoubtedly rates right up there at the top with the other major stuff. And today sweet newly turned 4 yr old Garrett decided he was tired of getting left behind by the now expert bike riders just 18 months his senior. After a week of getting left in the dust when they've all been inseparable he decided now was the day he would take off on a bike and keep up with them. Much to everyone's shock this stout boy who has only been 4 for one month took off on a 16 inch bike and never got off. He is now riding with the best of them. The driveway took on a new life with now 6 big riders out there. In a week's time we went from a few bikes and a whole host of little riders on riding toys to it looking like school just let out. But since the boys' bikes are still so new to them and only a week old we are having some major bike wars taking place outside. Much to our utter shock we are already in the market for yet another 16 inch boy's bike.

Garrett has already covered the town with older siblings leading the way. They were all so excited to watch him go that it took only an hour for the older ones to have him by their side on post office and gas station trips. Evye's been taking care of a fellow city council member's cats while they're out of town so the 6 of them were burning up the roads together as they all reveled in their new rider and ran their little town errands. He still looks so little out there in the middle of them. But he is holding his own and as determined as they come. He has already won 4 out of the 6 races between all of the little boys. Garrison and Grant were quite in awe of his abilities and instead of growing irritated by being on the losing end they were all singing his praises and urging him on.




In the midst of all of the outside events taking place Garrison and Grant read their first easy reader book today. It's an absolutely amazing thing to watch a child learn to read. It's another massive milestone. And to have the ability and the honor of teaching them and watching them open up the door to all of life just never gets old. It has to be one of the most rewarding amazing things in all of life....to have taught them and then to watch them go. The more I watch them learn and see all of life through their eyes...the wonder and beauty of it all....the more I can't imagine anyone ever having the honor of teaching them. How grateful I am that I have been blessed enough to stay home with them and that we can homeschool freely. How amazing a thing it is to watch your children learn. So this week we have added 2 new readers to our little reading crew. To say that it is rewarding is an understatement. There are no words that do it justice. It just makes it all worthwhile.

The girl riders

I loved this since it caught Garrett in motion.

Coaching him as he goes

Gavin quite bewildered he's being left by high speeds and big bikes now. After trying for a good half hour to mount even the smallest bike he finally gave up and got on his old trusty motorcycle and got right in the middle of it all. This little motorcycle is by far the best, most amazing riding toy we have ever had. It was purchased 10 yrs ago when Grayson was 18 months old. Every child we've ever had has grown up on it. It is the reason they all love to ride.

More funny group pics...minus one.

Leading the way for him. Since they had one in training and were going so much slower than usual it's about the only picture we have of no one wearing bike helmets while in motion. A rarity.

Amazing everyone by figuring it out and really holding his own.

The pet rooster. He's our homegrown beast of a bird. His name...Homey....since he's our 1st surviving hatched chick that's lived to adulthood. And he's about as much of a pet as our dogs. I don't think he's figured out he's a rooster.

Loving on the abandoned quadruplet kittens we spent no less than an hour digging out of the bottom of a cactus plant. That was a rather painful experience, to say the least. Let's just say you've either really gotta really love animals....or really love your kids who can't imagine leaving them there to just die. I'm thinking I love my kids...cause after the thorns and crap I plucked out of everything after this endeavor I know it's not animal love that drove me to go to such lengths.

Even Still

There is a heaviness that sometimes pervades. Like a dark cloud of shame hanging it pours forth and I fight off the feelings that can so easily come. So, I find myself here once more...seeking comfort in words, pondering all of life, trying to figure out what it all is and the purpose thereof. Here in words, for no one else's benefit but my own. The birth of this blog of mostly words many years ago as I set out to discover who I am, figure out all of life and leave a legacy for my children of who I oneday hopefully became. The hope that their path is made a little easier, their past a little more real, their future a little more clear and the wonders and phenomenons of God a little less secretive...no longer cloaked in shadows but more real than I ever knew at their young age. Perhaps providing a reality of the Lord that I never seemed to have and was left to discover on my own throughout the years. But in the discovery of who He is and who I am becoming there is still so much I wage war with....so much I fail to understand about His ways. I do know with all of my heart that His ways are higher than my ways but how is it that those ways can be so much higher when it means some of what we have had to walk through? Still the questions, still I ponder, still I wrestle.





Guilt still lingers. Though I have not spoken deeply about it in months and it seems as though the winds of a happy pregnancy and a "normal" life have returned it doesn't mean there are not emotions left lingering to be dealt with. And at night when I actually allow myself to really think about it, the reality of what happened last summer and how I have changed because of it all, the tears still fall. Not as often anymore but still so easily when any wandering thought seems to turn itself there. So, I avoid it? Perhaps.





Aubrey's ear problems still exist for no apparent reason. We are homeopathic-ed out, Dr'd out and every other way to treat it. There is no infection, there is no explainable cause for her recurrent pain and nights spent crying. There is no explanation for her loss of hearing. Just a continual diagnosis of "allergies" and unexplained permanent swelling of the ear canal. Ear Nose and Throat specialist now loom before us as I face the reality that the possibility exists and permanent damage has been done. We are over and again told there is nothing wrong but yet she cries, she holds her ear, she has extremely limited hearing. My mind turns to dark places of the past. And I am left to face the heartache once more, the guilt and the inner turmoil that seems to always reside not so very far under the surface.





It's been ten months now and the pain has lessened to some degree...maybe because I just don't think about it as much anymore. So why is it that when I do bring it up it feels as though it is some dark, shameful secret kept hidden within the confines of our lives? Maybe because the guilt of feeling as though I have failed her....failed as a parent....is still so prevalent. I know the truth. I know that we do not have 8 great children by accident and that it takes the consistency and never ending effort of two parents committed to raising them to make it all work. I know that we love our children with all of our hearts and that we would willingly die for any one of them. But when I think about it all I find myself continually warring with the unforgiving barrage of "what if I had....?" thoughts. What if I had locked the door? What if we had had a dog in the house that night? What if I had gotten up when I knew something was so wrong? What if I had just said no and never allowed the perpetrator onto our property...never allowed room for what eventually took place? What if?





And so I see her in all of her pain...whether it really is related to any of it at all and the events that took place that night no one really knows.....but I grow angry at myself and I once again feel the guilt of it all. The pain of what was....and still is. And I know we still have yet to sit through a court hearing and again relive all of the details and I know that it will not be fair and just. I know the limited information she gave to strangers and I know the truth of what she felt the freedom to tell at home. And they will down play it and almost entirely dismiss it based on lack of evidence and everything we have endured will most likely end in a few hours of community service. And I sit frustrated that we are here facing this, that she is still in pain, that there is nothing I can do to fix it all...and that I ever allowed it to happen, that it could ever happen to a family as protective as our's and the why's of God not protecting her when we so totally trust Him and so fully entrusted the care of our children to Him.

There is still lingering anger. No longer is it aimed at the Lord and how I feel He "failed" us, but now more so at those who arrogantly sit in judgement of us. And there are those self righteous ones that do. Ones that think they are so far above reproach that nothing can touch their children. They presumptuously assume they have done such a thorough job at parenting that their children are not at risk of any sort. I laugh at the hypocrisy involved in such insanity and arrogance. But it does not keep me from rocketing on a pendulum of emotions from the incessant, life altering guilt to the anger of what I feel for those that self righteously judge our situation. These people deserve no place in our lives and my tolerance for their stupidity and lack of willingness to understand is non existent. I owe no one an explanation of the how's and why's of what took place that night and I have absolutely no need to ever defend myself or our parenting abilities in their presence. Though the guilt, the shame and the darkness pours forth from emotions that remain stormy and unpredictable within my own self I know who I am as a person, as a parent and am confident in my abilities as a wife to my husband and the mother of our children. I know who I am and I know that there is indeed a purpose in this. And that if permanent damage has been done than Aubrey has a testimony and a story to tell for a very specific purpose. That God created her for such a time and place as this and He has given her a special story unique to her.

People do not understand. They have no way of understanding unless they have walked in our shoes. Unless they have awakened to such devastating news from their 6 year old little girl and had to then walk out the days of devastation that follow, the weeks that turn to months of dealing with the justice system, the insurmountable emotions that accompany this road. Unless they have delivered a baby into their hands and buried his tiny body they cannot even begin to imagine. So when they say they understand they do not, and when they sit and judge they have no understanding for what took place. And it takes extravagant amounts of grace and mercy to tolerate the good intentions of those who have them and not feel rage for those who do not.

There are so many emotions that still are left to deal with on this long, seemingly infinite road of healing. So, it is that I sit and I ponder. With no more answers than when I began but a deeper peace and a deeper understanding that our family is here for a purpose and we have been given this story for a reason. I have not walked this road in vain. We do not continue to deal with what we deal with because I was a negligent parent and failed but because we are being given a story to tell.

I stare at the new little tree that stands outside our window wildly flourishing. It lived and so will we. It signifies not only Gideon's short little life but it represents that whole time in our lives when it seemed we had lost so much. Lost faith, lost trust and all of life had been violated. But as time passes and and days bring healing our tree stands and grows to disprove death and loss. It defies the winter months......the cold, the wind, the snow...the pain, the heartache, the suffocation of life....and it thrives in full morning sun. I look at it and I know there is so much more than what we know now. There is so much life still beyond left to discover. It doesn't matter what lies in the past...what I have done, where I have failed, what people's opinions are, the judgment suffered, the insurmountable guilt, the lingering anger, the emotions still present...what lies before us is a future and a hope. And I will go forward from here in confidence knowing that He has our best interest in mind and I stand unwavering in faith. I will stand up and face this and if we are dealing with permanent damage then I will face that one day at a time, just as I have the rest, and we will deal with what comes. And as we continue to await a court date I will live fully. I will laugh and I will give myself wholly to my children...all of whom still live and thrive and continue to experience life to its very fullest. We are blessed and we continue to be blessed. And together as a family we look forward to the arrival of this baby and this new season in our lives as we transition from the pain of what has been to the joy of what is yet to come. And I begin to try and comprehend the reality that I will be a mother to 9 children....and we are blessed beyond measure.

So, I give it all to you, Lord. My expectations, my heart, all I want to be, all I'll ever become. This person inside that fails so desperately without You near....Your every breath, the very presence of Your spirit..I live for it. I cannot live or function without Your presence. I fail so miserably when left on my own. It is not only my own life at stake now but the lives of the 9 children You have so extravagantly given despite the faults that lie within. In You I'm perfected. In You I am made whole. Oh God, this guilt.....this never ending torrent of emotion, lift it. You have set me free and because of You I live. There is nothing I cannot overcome when in Your presence. This story you've given is here for a purpose. This shame I feel is not of You because in You there is no shame. The tears that fall..let them turn from rivers of shame and guilt to rivers that heal the soul and I can know that this is nothing I have done. I don't know where you were that night, Lord. I don't know why it all happened. I don't know why You just can't heal her now and let everything of the past be in the past. You can heal. You do heal. But I know that I love you unquestioningly and I will serve You despite the questions of the why's that will probably never in a lifetime be answered. Take the guilt and turn it into a testimony that will win the hearts of the nations and take the shame of a hidden secret and shout it out so that my life will serve You in every way...that You may turn what was meant for evil into good and that hurting hearts may know Your grace and love in ways they have never known. Let this glorify You in some way to make it all worthwhile...so that we did not live this season of our lives in vain. I want to be real. I want to be empty inside so that only You have the ability to refill....poured out before You and laying at Your feet. Filled with Your Mercy and filled with Your grace. No longer room for me...no room for my flesh. Only You. No more tears. No more anger. No more guilt and shame. I want to be someone that does not judge as we have been judged but sees the hurting heart buried beneath it all. I want to be someone someday so I lay it all down before You. I want to be whole and have purpose inside. I want to have virtue. Revive me. Purify my mind. I want to be set free so I lay it all down before You. Only you have the freedom to free the mind and break the chains that hold the spirit captive. This is my desire, my return to You. I just want to be used by You. I know my heart is to feel You near. My heart is pure, my motives only to do Your will. I look back and I see where You've taken me, delivered me, rescued me from my own self, the naivety of one so easily swayed, so eager to please anyone and everyone. You've come teaching me, molding me, shaping me into who you want me to be, all You want of me and all I am to become.....beyond all I have hoped and there's still so much more left unseen. So much more to my story than what I have read. So much more to life than what I have imagined. There's not much I can do to repay all You've done so I give You my hands to use, my life as a testimony of Your grace. And I stand before you in honesty, stripped bare of pride and any dignity because You know who I am, You know the failures of my flesh but still You love and still You come saving. Still Your grace is sufficient and still my children live and know of Your love and Your saving grace. Your salvation is whole in every way. So it is that I surrender all. My past, my present and what is still yet to come. Lord, I give myself to You. Let Your blessing fall on me.

Random Pictures

....to get caught up.

The proud new riders in the family. Garrison mastered it first. Since Grant has always been consistently 3 months behind in motor skill ability I figured he'd be riding in about 2-3 months from now. As it stands, Grant is now so competitive that he cried himself to sleep the night Garrison first took off......then cried for an hour the next morning sitting on a shelf in the closet. Patient, encouraging husband and I were so tired of listening to him and trying to encourage him that now exasperated husband went in and told him to stop crying, dry it up and get out there and ride. So.....he did. He has now mastered it so well that they are both ramp jumping in only a matter of 5 days...correction, proud daddy said only 3 days... since first taking off. They both learned to ride on Aubrey's current pink 16 in bike since that's all we had on hand. She was happy to ride the harder 16 in with the rusted chain while they learned. They soon were all riding to the store together but one boy was inevitably being left out since there was a total of only 4 rideable bikes. I found 2 really great 16 boys' bikes on craigslist in the DFW area for next to nothing. So, Mother and Scott brought those down here when they came for a couple of days to visit. We now have 2 very happy boys both riding expertly....on boys bikes and not on a pink butterfly bike! And the Lord does truly provide for every need. In the midst of it all one of the great concerns was needing 3 new bike helmets..something that is not in the budget right now at all. And protective husband will not allow anyone on bikes without helmets....period. When Mother picked up the bikes the man asked if our family would have any use for 4 brand new bike helmets....2 girls' and 2 boys'. They had not been able to sell them in their numerous garage sales or on craigslist so offered to throw them in with the bikes. Along with the helmets came 2 entire sets of boys' knee, hand and elbow pads. The boys were thrilled....and I was exceedingly blessed. He does indeed hear the cries of His people....even when it comes to bike helmets.

Dirty but still pretty cute. I am especially endeared to the floppy eared puppy look she's got going on. She looks about like Athena with one ear up and one ear down.

Ivye above/Athena below.....they're looking alot alike.

The floppy eared look on Athena. She was accidentally jumped on while under the trampoline chasing shadows and it ruptured some of the blood vessels in her ear, thus it will never stand up again. After getting used to it, it's actually kind of cute. Makes her look entirely unassuming and as goofy and stupid as she really is. But in all reality she is all business when the time comes. She's a pretty amazing, loyal companion for everybody.

The vacant, abandoned house the fire dept burned. From start to finish. Fire is an amazing thing. It's awe inspiring to watch something go from a standing structure to nothing but a pile of rubble in a matter of minutes.

Yes, dear Mr. Superintendent that stopped by to buy a cup....we homeschool.

When business is slow



What Ivye does while they sell lemonade. She sits and smiles and is the lemonade mascot. They take her out there to wave at everybody, look cute and attract customers....and she does!


His first few days on the pink bike



After some spelling correction
Laying out speed bumps. I couldn't help but laugh. He looks like the newest muppet character.

Milestones!!! Ivye's first toenail trim after cutting the top of her pinky toe off. Story of how it was smashed off is here. ER dr's were uncertain as to whether she would ever regrow the top 1/2 of her toe and if it did regrow they seriously doubted that she would ever have a pinky toe nail. It is now perfect. There is still some skin on the top that is growing back together...the very tiny bit still left to complete the new growth....a very far cry from not ever having 1/2 of her toe again! Her toe was completely smashed off below her nail at the middle joint. She now has a perfect little toe 5 months after the event. So perfect it required its first nail trim!

So, I wasn't even going to put this but everybody insisted. This was before it turned the lovely black and purple and way before it turned the current yellow and green it is now. It had a golf ball size bump going but the swelling has now almost completely gone. And it ended up turning the whole area under my eye purple too. Lovely. Brad said if I ever wanted to turn him in for domestic abuse now is the time. In all reality, the children have a Fisher Price baby monitor that we used to use. It became a toy quite some time ago and is now used for walkie talkie purposes. The little boys use it when all of the older ones are on the real radios. Ivye was swinging it by the rubbery antennae and unexpectedly let go. She rivals the pro baseball leagues when it comes to pitching. She has quite the arm. And this was where it happened to land. I had an eyeball/headache going for 3 entire days. If I smiled for the pic it wrinkled it all up and made my eye hurt. For days when I laughed or sneezed it would start a raging headache!! How does somebody not laugh for days...and not sneeze in the worst of allergy season???? Thus the somber look that is going on. And, for the record, it's entirely hard not to laugh in such a stupid picture!

Gideon's tree in full bloom. He's buried under it.

Our new ugly swingset waiting to be transplanted in the backyard. There's actually 6 kids in the picture but Gavin kind of blends in on the ladder so you can't really see him. Garrett had just shot off the end of the slide. Trying to catch him in action but was too slow for the jet propelled action of the rocket slide.

So, he has not had an accident in months and months....since he was first trained last summer. I couldn't believe he had actually pooped in his pants and why he would do it now. Disgusted with it all I peeled back his pants to see the damage and this is what I found.