Even Still

There is a heaviness that sometimes pervades. Like a dark cloud of shame hanging it pours forth and I fight off the feelings that can so easily come. So, I find myself here once more...seeking comfort in words, pondering all of life, trying to figure out what it all is and the purpose thereof. Here in words, for no one else's benefit but my own. The birth of this blog of mostly words many years ago as I set out to discover who I am, figure out all of life and leave a legacy for my children of who I oneday hopefully became. The hope that their path is made a little easier, their past a little more real, their future a little more clear and the wonders and phenomenons of God a little less secretive...no longer cloaked in shadows but more real than I ever knew at their young age. Perhaps providing a reality of the Lord that I never seemed to have and was left to discover on my own throughout the years. But in the discovery of who He is and who I am becoming there is still so much I wage war with....so much I fail to understand about His ways. I do know with all of my heart that His ways are higher than my ways but how is it that those ways can be so much higher when it means some of what we have had to walk through? Still the questions, still I ponder, still I wrestle.





Guilt still lingers. Though I have not spoken deeply about it in months and it seems as though the winds of a happy pregnancy and a "normal" life have returned it doesn't mean there are not emotions left lingering to be dealt with. And at night when I actually allow myself to really think about it, the reality of what happened last summer and how I have changed because of it all, the tears still fall. Not as often anymore but still so easily when any wandering thought seems to turn itself there. So, I avoid it? Perhaps.





Aubrey's ear problems still exist for no apparent reason. We are homeopathic-ed out, Dr'd out and every other way to treat it. There is no infection, there is no explainable cause for her recurrent pain and nights spent crying. There is no explanation for her loss of hearing. Just a continual diagnosis of "allergies" and unexplained permanent swelling of the ear canal. Ear Nose and Throat specialist now loom before us as I face the reality that the possibility exists and permanent damage has been done. We are over and again told there is nothing wrong but yet she cries, she holds her ear, she has extremely limited hearing. My mind turns to dark places of the past. And I am left to face the heartache once more, the guilt and the inner turmoil that seems to always reside not so very far under the surface.





It's been ten months now and the pain has lessened to some degree...maybe because I just don't think about it as much anymore. So why is it that when I do bring it up it feels as though it is some dark, shameful secret kept hidden within the confines of our lives? Maybe because the guilt of feeling as though I have failed her....failed as a parent....is still so prevalent. I know the truth. I know that we do not have 8 great children by accident and that it takes the consistency and never ending effort of two parents committed to raising them to make it all work. I know that we love our children with all of our hearts and that we would willingly die for any one of them. But when I think about it all I find myself continually warring with the unforgiving barrage of "what if I had....?" thoughts. What if I had locked the door? What if we had had a dog in the house that night? What if I had gotten up when I knew something was so wrong? What if I had just said no and never allowed the perpetrator onto our property...never allowed room for what eventually took place? What if?





And so I see her in all of her pain...whether it really is related to any of it at all and the events that took place that night no one really knows.....but I grow angry at myself and I once again feel the guilt of it all. The pain of what was....and still is. And I know we still have yet to sit through a court hearing and again relive all of the details and I know that it will not be fair and just. I know the limited information she gave to strangers and I know the truth of what she felt the freedom to tell at home. And they will down play it and almost entirely dismiss it based on lack of evidence and everything we have endured will most likely end in a few hours of community service. And I sit frustrated that we are here facing this, that she is still in pain, that there is nothing I can do to fix it all...and that I ever allowed it to happen, that it could ever happen to a family as protective as our's and the why's of God not protecting her when we so totally trust Him and so fully entrusted the care of our children to Him.

There is still lingering anger. No longer is it aimed at the Lord and how I feel He "failed" us, but now more so at those who arrogantly sit in judgement of us. And there are those self righteous ones that do. Ones that think they are so far above reproach that nothing can touch their children. They presumptuously assume they have done such a thorough job at parenting that their children are not at risk of any sort. I laugh at the hypocrisy involved in such insanity and arrogance. But it does not keep me from rocketing on a pendulum of emotions from the incessant, life altering guilt to the anger of what I feel for those that self righteously judge our situation. These people deserve no place in our lives and my tolerance for their stupidity and lack of willingness to understand is non existent. I owe no one an explanation of the how's and why's of what took place that night and I have absolutely no need to ever defend myself or our parenting abilities in their presence. Though the guilt, the shame and the darkness pours forth from emotions that remain stormy and unpredictable within my own self I know who I am as a person, as a parent and am confident in my abilities as a wife to my husband and the mother of our children. I know who I am and I know that there is indeed a purpose in this. And that if permanent damage has been done than Aubrey has a testimony and a story to tell for a very specific purpose. That God created her for such a time and place as this and He has given her a special story unique to her.

People do not understand. They have no way of understanding unless they have walked in our shoes. Unless they have awakened to such devastating news from their 6 year old little girl and had to then walk out the days of devastation that follow, the weeks that turn to months of dealing with the justice system, the insurmountable emotions that accompany this road. Unless they have delivered a baby into their hands and buried his tiny body they cannot even begin to imagine. So when they say they understand they do not, and when they sit and judge they have no understanding for what took place. And it takes extravagant amounts of grace and mercy to tolerate the good intentions of those who have them and not feel rage for those who do not.

There are so many emotions that still are left to deal with on this long, seemingly infinite road of healing. So, it is that I sit and I ponder. With no more answers than when I began but a deeper peace and a deeper understanding that our family is here for a purpose and we have been given this story for a reason. I have not walked this road in vain. We do not continue to deal with what we deal with because I was a negligent parent and failed but because we are being given a story to tell.

I stare at the new little tree that stands outside our window wildly flourishing. It lived and so will we. It signifies not only Gideon's short little life but it represents that whole time in our lives when it seemed we had lost so much. Lost faith, lost trust and all of life had been violated. But as time passes and and days bring healing our tree stands and grows to disprove death and loss. It defies the winter months......the cold, the wind, the snow...the pain, the heartache, the suffocation of life....and it thrives in full morning sun. I look at it and I know there is so much more than what we know now. There is so much life still beyond left to discover. It doesn't matter what lies in the past...what I have done, where I have failed, what people's opinions are, the judgment suffered, the insurmountable guilt, the lingering anger, the emotions still present...what lies before us is a future and a hope. And I will go forward from here in confidence knowing that He has our best interest in mind and I stand unwavering in faith. I will stand up and face this and if we are dealing with permanent damage then I will face that one day at a time, just as I have the rest, and we will deal with what comes. And as we continue to await a court date I will live fully. I will laugh and I will give myself wholly to my children...all of whom still live and thrive and continue to experience life to its very fullest. We are blessed and we continue to be blessed. And together as a family we look forward to the arrival of this baby and this new season in our lives as we transition from the pain of what has been to the joy of what is yet to come. And I begin to try and comprehend the reality that I will be a mother to 9 children....and we are blessed beyond measure.

So, I give it all to you, Lord. My expectations, my heart, all I want to be, all I'll ever become. This person inside that fails so desperately without You near....Your every breath, the very presence of Your spirit..I live for it. I cannot live or function without Your presence. I fail so miserably when left on my own. It is not only my own life at stake now but the lives of the 9 children You have so extravagantly given despite the faults that lie within. In You I'm perfected. In You I am made whole. Oh God, this guilt.....this never ending torrent of emotion, lift it. You have set me free and because of You I live. There is nothing I cannot overcome when in Your presence. This story you've given is here for a purpose. This shame I feel is not of You because in You there is no shame. The tears that fall..let them turn from rivers of shame and guilt to rivers that heal the soul and I can know that this is nothing I have done. I don't know where you were that night, Lord. I don't know why it all happened. I don't know why You just can't heal her now and let everything of the past be in the past. You can heal. You do heal. But I know that I love you unquestioningly and I will serve You despite the questions of the why's that will probably never in a lifetime be answered. Take the guilt and turn it into a testimony that will win the hearts of the nations and take the shame of a hidden secret and shout it out so that my life will serve You in every way...that You may turn what was meant for evil into good and that hurting hearts may know Your grace and love in ways they have never known. Let this glorify You in some way to make it all worthwhile...so that we did not live this season of our lives in vain. I want to be real. I want to be empty inside so that only You have the ability to refill....poured out before You and laying at Your feet. Filled with Your Mercy and filled with Your grace. No longer room for me...no room for my flesh. Only You. No more tears. No more anger. No more guilt and shame. I want to be someone that does not judge as we have been judged but sees the hurting heart buried beneath it all. I want to be someone someday so I lay it all down before You. I want to be whole and have purpose inside. I want to have virtue. Revive me. Purify my mind. I want to be set free so I lay it all down before You. Only you have the freedom to free the mind and break the chains that hold the spirit captive. This is my desire, my return to You. I just want to be used by You. I know my heart is to feel You near. My heart is pure, my motives only to do Your will. I look back and I see where You've taken me, delivered me, rescued me from my own self, the naivety of one so easily swayed, so eager to please anyone and everyone. You've come teaching me, molding me, shaping me into who you want me to be, all You want of me and all I am to become.....beyond all I have hoped and there's still so much more left unseen. So much more to my story than what I have read. So much more to life than what I have imagined. There's not much I can do to repay all You've done so I give You my hands to use, my life as a testimony of Your grace. And I stand before you in honesty, stripped bare of pride and any dignity because You know who I am, You know the failures of my flesh but still You love and still You come saving. Still Your grace is sufficient and still my children live and know of Your love and Your saving grace. Your salvation is whole in every way. So it is that I surrender all. My past, my present and what is still yet to come. Lord, I give myself to You. Let Your blessing fall on me.