When You Look A Little Bit Like Noah

I conquer the fear of looking just more than a little bit ridiculous and I write. Faith....it's a word that I've struggled with for years. You pray, you believe and then it never happens. If God can move mountains...why doesn't He? If He can heal people...why doesn't He? If He can give you money to cover what you need....then why doesn't He? If He can save a baby...our baby.....why didn't He? WHY did He not protect a little girl in bed that night? Why did it even have to happen to begin with? If He's so omnipotent and omnipresent than where was He that night as I lay down the hallway only feet away, trusting Him for His protection over our children? I think what I have learned in my limited time here learning the deeper things of life and the ways of God....it simply boils down to the fact that it may not be His will. What if He accomplished more through the trials and sufferings than He ever did fixing everything? What if by the sickness of one, one hundred came to Him...or even just one came to Him? Was it not worth the life of the one believing and secure in their knowledge of Him to save the one that would be forever lost? I know more than life itself had we not lost our baby boy that I would not be who I am or where I am right now. There is no doubt in my mind it was not His will for one of our girls to ever live through what they did....but it happened. I dropped the ball....I failed...and I will not sit here and even begin to pretend otherwise. But in the failure and human-ness.....fallible sinful mortal self....He came saving and turned what was meant for evil into rivers of life within our lives. Did it feel like that at the time? Not even remotely. But three years later as I learn daily to hold onto Him, because I know more than anything in life than I am nothing without Him, I know that He is working mightily within our lives. I am nothing without His saving grace. Without Him I am capable of failing so miserably my own children are at stake. Without Him I am capable of screwing up so badly He is the only one that is even remotely capable of fixing what all I have messed up so thoroughly that it looks absolutely hopeless to a world that does not know Him. But with Him I not only survive...I thrive, despite everything I have and am still capable of so messing up. Nothing is beyond Him. In that, I have learned that as long as I am down on my knees and humbled, facing the reality of my wretchedness, He will come saving the moldable, pliable heart. His grace is sufficient. I know every minute of every day that without Him I am nothing, but nothing is beyond the realm of His grace and His mercy, His compassion for me as a person. His lovingkindness (tender  kindness motivated by or expressing affection) overwhelms. He expresses it....daily....to me and to our children. It is evident in our marriage. It is evident by my life and how much I have been given. It is evident by His grace, and when I reach my end at different points throughout my day He is faithful to come giving strength and peace to carry on. I will not lie....this many people in this amount of space is more than a little bit difficult. Compound that with the sheer magnitude and number of things falling apart within the house on a daily basis and it becomes a bit maddening. Enough to make me reach my end long before the day is even close to being over. 

I refocus, breathe, remember what I have here....that we are together and happy. God has been merciful and the expression of His  tender kindness to me is evident so many times throughout my day. So this small trial in life is nothing more than an attitude check....an opportunity to refocus on what really matters. That being said....many times that is so much easier said than done as I reach down to actually turn an absolutely rust covered, corroded, nasty, crapped out pipe below the toilet to achieve running water and let the tank fill so that we may actually flush the great amount of sewage within, as we attempt to treat fleas with no running spigots on the front half of the property, as the plastic tub beneath the sink begins to fill and overflow because everybody forgot to check it and drains run straight into it, as I attempt to change a diaper for the millionth time with a flashlight in the dim light of dusk because the living area is so dark one cannot really see and the chain pull pulled out months ago.  The list could go on. So, as I shine a flashlight on a tiny baby butt I begin to laugh at the absurdity of it all and realize that we are still here and desperately in love with each other. There is a roof over our heads and God is still good.

The overwhelmingly confusing part comes as I contemplate and deeply ponder with analytical head how, if He truly does want to give the best to His children, why He is, at times, a God of bare minimums. So enraged was I one of these difficult days that I began to cry in total frustration and my outage and anger with Him grew. WHY is He a God of bare minimums? If He so desires the best for us, where is He and why are we living in a shit hole? And yep...I said it...while I prayed...or rather, talked....to Him. And believe it or not, this entirely controversial word is not getting me bucked out of heaven or even jeopardizing what He bestows upon us. It's real, people...and I said it....to Him. Because that's the way life works and I'm not even going to act like it doesn't. Facades serve no purpose and it's just where I am as we walk this out. I get a little bit mad...or a lot mad.....and my understanding of Him is so small that it's infuriating at times. I struggled through it all....why have we been brought here to live like this when we were happy and content where we were? We had our dream home. We were supposed to come here to better everything....and this is not better. There was a drought, the FD will never improve, things went wrong in our little paradise. But we even talked of this scenario and if we moved here only to trade locations for the same income....we were happy staying where we were. It was our rural piece of heaven on earth. But we prayed fervently, we sought the Lord in every step we took, we prayed that if this was not where we were supposed to be than He would shut a door...just one...and we would listen. Doors supernaturally opened one after another until we were here...to go jobless 6 entire months, no income, no toothpaste, no idea of where the next meal was coming from and in what seemed to be a God forsaken place far away from friends, family and everything we had ever loved. And now, here we sit with a good paying job in the only profession we've ever known but in a house that is quite claustrophobic and falling apart.....and I dream of home and battle the feelings of serving a God of bare minimums. So claustrophobic is it that we have refrained from purchasing a couch because I cannot even begin to imagine putting a piece of furniture that large in a space we already fill without it. 8 active children, all under 7, all with energy to spare. Our needs are met, they without fail are always met, but there is never anything more. No abundance. So where does the verse come into play...."Give and it will be given to you, pressed down, shaken together, running over."? The Bible is filled with promises of an abundant God longing to bless His children. Sooooo......we're here, Lord...living with a landlord that yells from his next door deck what children are and are not to be doing. A landlord that never. goes. away. A shower door that's bottom half swings to and fro freely as screws were stripped years ago.

I stood changing baby in the warm white glow of flashlight and tears flowed. Bare minimum. Why is it always bare minimum? Our life is riddled with the amazing stories of how He has provided time and again....but always, like manna.....bare minimum, living in faith and being provided with only what we need for the present moment. No more, no less. In the quiet he came speaking, "Have I not always blessed you for your faithfulness to me? Have I not always  brought you out of the testing and given abundantly to you? Reward for how closely you cling through the fire?" Tears flowed and I looked back at our life. A life of being abundantly blessed after coming through it all....pressed down, shaken together and running over.


So, faith. It brings us to this. What is it? I don't even fully understand it...not really even a little. Why do people believe and the crap doesn't happen? In my limited, elementary knowledge I am learning to believe ...quite strongly I might add...but trust, just as we did in making the journey 1700 miles east, that He knows absolutely everything praying husband and I cannot know. So as we believe in faith we also take comfort that He will protect us from what we cannot see. And if what we are believing  for has dangers and snares we cannot see with mortal eyes than He is faithful to save. Faith is trusting  for what we believe He can do but knowing that our limited vision never entirely sees the whole picture. He does indeed, without doubt in my mind, have our best interest at heart, but more importantly, His greater glory. And isn't that what we're here for...to be testimonies of His grace, His existence?

If supernaturally giving us a home here will bring him glory than I have no doubt that He is not only capable but that He will make it happen. So, with that in mind we take bold steps and believe for His provision when common sense and reality say it is not possible. Like, not even a little. And He begins to show up in extraordinary ways when His people begin to pray. The more we have prayed the more doors He has begun to open....but I remain cautious and know at any point in here He has the ability to slam them shut also. We have no ability to buy a house here....for many years. But I serve a God that can overcome. Will He? Who knows. But I am willing to believe and have faith that if we stand in agreement and pray that He listens to the prayers of His people. And if it will bring Him glory and serve a purpose within our life He not only can...but will....accomplish this "impossible" feat. As a crazy step of faith children and I drove to property and anointed threshold with oil, 10 little hands all touching massive wood door and being taught the absolute meaning of faith. Dark cloudy skies had been silent but as we prayed and called out to a living God thunder vibrated the earth beneath us. Children laughed as they learn that this God we serve lives, breathes, listens, and acts on behalf of those that serve Him. As we continued to pray thunder begin to roll continuously through the heavens and rain begin to fall. I thanked Him for showing up in such a timely manner....as my time and His don't ever usually coincide with each other.  We made the 12 mile drive home. As we meandered through green hills dotted with houses, white fences and horses, rainbow promise stretched across sky. And I felt a little bit like Noah....talking to a God that listens, speaks and promises His faithfulness to His people. Overwhelming peace that even if it is not this specific place, He knows, He hears, He speaks and He acts on behalf of those who seek Him. I believe He can, I have faith that He can do anything, and I know that if it is not this place He will get us to where we are going and is faithful to give the desires of one's heart to those that seek Him....desires being  utter contentment in whatever circumstances we occupy. H ewill come granting contentment...whether that be staying where we are and giving grace to survive it or granting us our deepest longings for a home here. As I wait I learn contentment right where I am and develop the ability to grow grateful for what I already have extravagantly been given.


Husband and I return daily to walk the property buried deep into the woods, praying it into existence within our life. As we prayed just yesterday small truck turns into drive. We sigh, moan and gripe a little over intruders. We follow footpaths deep into forest and disappear from sight for privacy, continuing to pray. Eventually we reemerge and thick accented Australian man greets us on deck asking us if we'd like to have a look within. He continues to tell us everything about the property and the history...every unanswered question we ever had after viewing it with the realtor 2 weeks ago. Knowledgeable in every aspect, he tells of how to make the few necessary repairs it needs, and how to go about the auction process. The house will be auctioned off June 24th....built by a childless couple not far from the property itself. She saw the sheer magnitude of the home once built and told construction husband she would never live there...too much house for anyone. This house has been deemed seller unfriendly due to location on rural gravel road, distance from town (a whopping 14 miles) and size of home seeming cold, unfriendly and non-functional for the average family. Valued at over 500,000 it is set to be auctioned off with a reasonable going price of 160,000. And while I know that it seems absolutely ludicrous to believe for this while we are absolutely, completely incapable of ever buying a home here for years I also serve a God that owns the cattle on a thousand hills and nothing is impossible when He is fighting for us. If our God is for us who can be against us? Kind Australian man educates and explains that we may be the only people or one of two with a true interest in the property. Others are there to just mingle and view the process. Given the above factors we may very well be the only ones truly interested. We shake hands, he gives us a card for any further questions and/or help through the process and we drive away. And I wonder why. Why would He speak thunder as we pray, send grace that falls like rain, orchestrate such a meeting day after day....other than in answer to prayers already being prayed. Husband and I exchange looks and I see him struggling silently with every question running through my head also.

We continue the curvy drive home through hills and trees and green and I just feel a little bit like Noah.....building an ark in a desert. Just a little bit like the Israelites standing there looking at a sea of red water with no where to go but confidently knowing He would act on their behalf...and He did. It's impossible to please God apart from faith. And why? Because anyone who wants to approach  God must believe both that He exists and that he cares enough to respond to those that seek Him. Do I know this house is going to happen? No. But what I do believe is that He is more than capable and I know that He does love us enough to respond. And if it's not now...not this....that He has something in mind that is just as wonderful, just as amazing, and just as much of a miracle as this. He is not a God of bare minimums. And so we, as a family, stand in faith that this house is ours. We pray it into existence within our life. June 24th it goes to auction for a fraction of what it is worth. I have every faith, deep abiding faith, that He can provide and He will if it will bring Him glory and be a testament of His existence to those that watch or life...those standing in disbelief. I have every faith that He will if it will grow husband and I more into His image. But if He doesn't...if He doesn't.....I still believe in the unseen and I know that He is faithful to fulfill promises....promises stretched brightly across the sky in hues of red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, and pink.

Faith in What We Don't See

 The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see. The act of faith is what distinguished our ancestors, set them above the crowd.

 By faith, we see the world called into existence by God's word, what we see created by what we don't see.

 By an act of faith, Abel brought a better sacrifice to God than Cain. It was what he believed, not what he brought, that made the difference. That's what God noticed and approved as righteous. After all these centuries, that belief continues to catch our notice.

By an act of faith, Enoch skipped death completely. "They looked all over and couldn't find him because God had taken him." We know on the basis of reliable testimony that before he was taken "he pleased God." It's impossible to please God apart from faith. And why? Because anyone who wants to approach God must believe both that he exists and that he cares enough to respond to those who seek him.

 By faith, Noah built a ship in the middle of dry land. He was warned about something he couldn't see, and acted on what he was told. The result? His family was saved. His act of faith drew a sharp line between the evil of the unbelieving world and the rightness of the believing world. As a result, Noah became intimate with God.

 By an act of faith, Abraham said yes to God's call to travel to an unknown place that would become his home. When he left he had no idea where he was going. By an act of faith he lived in the country promised him, lived as a stranger camping in tents. Isaac and Jacob did the same, living under the same promise. Abraham did it by keeping his eye on an unseen city with real, eternal foundations—the City designed and built by God.

 By faith, barren Sarah was able to become pregnant, old woman as she was at the time, because she believed the One who made a promise would do what he said. That's how it happened that from one man's dead and shriveled loins there are now people numbering into the millions.

 Each one of these people of faith died not yet having in hand what was promised, but still believing. How did they do it? They saw it way off in the distance, waved their greeting, and accepted the fact that they were transients in this world. People who live this way make it plain that they are looking for their true home. If they were homesick for the old country, they could have gone back any time they wanted. But they were after a far better country than that—heaven country. You can see why God is so proud of them, and has a City waiting for them.

 By faith, Abraham, at the time of testing, offered Isaac back to God. Acting in faith, he was as ready to return the promised son, his only son, as he had been to receive him—and this after he had already been told, "Your descendants shall come from Isaac." Abraham figured that if God wanted to, he could raise the dead. In a sense, that's what happened when he received Isaac back, alive from off the altar.

 By an act of faith, Isaac reached into the future as he blessed Jacob and Esau.

By an act of faith, Jacob on his deathbed blessed each of Joseph's sons in turn, blessing them with God's blessing, not his own—as he bowed worshipfully upon his staff.

 By an act of faith, Joseph, while dying, prophesied the exodus of Israel, and made arrangements for his own burial.

 By an act of faith, Moses' parents hid him away for three months after his birth. They saw the child's beauty, and they braved the king's decree.

 By faith, Moses, when grown, refused the privileges of the Egyptian royal house. He chose a hard life with God's people rather than an opportunistic soft life of sin with the oppressors. He valued suffering in the Messiah's camp far greater than Egyptian wealth because he was looking ahead, anticipating the payoff. By an act of faith, he turned his heel on Egypt, indifferent to the king's blind rage. He had his eye on the One no eye can see, and kept right on going. By an act of faith, he kept the Passover Feast and sprinkled Passover blood on each house so that the destroyer of the firstborn wouldn't touch them.

 By an act of faith, Israel walked through the Red Sea on dry ground. The Egyptians tried it and drowned
.
 By faith, the Israelites marched around the walls of Jericho for seven days, and the walls fell flat.

 By an act of faith, Rahab, the Jericho harlot, welcomed the spies and escaped the destruction that came on those who refused to trust God.

 I could go on and on, but I've run out of time. There are so many more— Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel, the prophets....Through acts of faith, they toppled kingdoms, made justice work, took the promises for themselves. They were protected from lions, fires, and sword thrusts, turned disadvantage to advantage, won battles, routed alien armies. Women received their loved ones back from the dead. There were those who, under torture, refused to give in and go free, preferring something better: resurrection. Others braved abuse and whips, and, yes, chains and dungeons. We have stories of those who were stoned, sawed in two, murdered in cold blood; stories of vagrants wandering the earth in animal skins, homeless, friendless, powerless—the world didn't deserve them!—making their way as best they could on the cruel edges of the world.

 Not one of these people, even though their lives of faith were exemplary, got their hands on what was promised. God had a better plan for us: that their faith and our faith would come together to make one completed whole, their lives of faith not complete apart from ours.

So it is that we pray and believe in faith that He will come working on our behalf when all common sense and reality says it is not possible. Nothing is impossible with the God I serve. So we daily make our drive and walk around property much like Joshua marched around Jericho in faith that God would act. We stand on the threshold, that we believe in faith, is ours....and we pray....in everything giving thanks. 

Daybook Thoughts

Outside my window.....

a bunch of trees....as in, I haven't seen the sun rise or set since they reached full bloom. Sunlight is entirely underrated.

I am thinking.....

that tanning in a tanning bed while lactating is a very interesting experience.

I am thankful.....

for freedom from my past and the amazing supernatural grace to forgive that God gives His children. I am humbled and in disbelief at God's faithfulness to save. It's an amazing thing to truly comprehend the vast extent of life that can be embraced when learning to live in Him...life of truth, freedom, joy, healing, forgiveness, wholeness, compassion and mercy for others that would not exist without Him. How humbled I am by His saving grace and mercy that gives the ability to overcome. How thankful I am for a husband that understands my past, is just as passionate as I am about shedding light on the darkness so that others may avoid the years of hurt that took place within my own family from following such a radical belief system and the many traps into which a family so easily falls. It shouldn't ever have to happen again in families...but it does. Somebody needs to speak up. I will.

Fearless man.

Poison ivy on the mend. This would be 2 days after the steroid shot and on day 2 of 10 of an oral steroid to follow up the injection. Apparently not all people look like this when they have the allergy. Being our first experience with the crap I assumed all people looked like this. Not so.

His right (left in pic) leg is much better. Before the shot it looked exactly like his left. His arms look exactly like his legs. And by the end of it all it had spread to his face, chest and back too.

Happy face on the mend...finally!

Random park fun.

I am wearing.....
a normal, healthy skin color. I think I might actually be starting to look a little bit healthy. One thing about hiking up here....the forests are so dense sunburns do not exist. I kinda miss the Texas sun...but then, not really. While it is in the high 90's there we're still in the 70's here. 100+ days there are not far behind and we'll be sitting at a comfy, albeit humid, 80 degrees here.

I am hearing....

soft little morning voices chatter in the early morning. I am wholly, entirely head over heels in love with my children, so overwhelmed by my life, love of my husband. My heart hurts, oh how it grieves for those who do not know this. I wish I could take away the hurt. Sometimes I wish we could just rewind the clock and start over...but then I don't. Cause I'd never go back. And is it not the experiences...both pain so excruciating it seems as though one might perish under what crushes heart, mind, soul....and supernatural joy that lifts higher, farther than man deems possible...that sets us free and shapes who one is at this present moment in life? Freedom. How much I wish everyone knew it.

I am remembering....

that the trip to urgent care revealed, what I assumed was an innocent case of poison ivy, was, in fact, the worst case the dr had ever seen and infection had begun to creep in. After 9 days of four 45 minute treatments a day consisting of a bath, washing with Technu and Dawn soap, rubbing creams, ointments and drying potions, and bandaging open sores, along with dealing with the extra wash that goes along with morning sheet changes and clothes changes taking place 4 times daily it only grew worse. 1 steroid shot and 3 prescriptions later with a follow up in a week for yet a 2nd injection I think we might just have it under control....finally. If tomorrow the forests all burned up in one big fiery car crash and not one tree was left standing in even one US national park I'm thinking it wouldn't be soon enough.

I am going....
to not give a 7 year old another bath for a very long time. I think we're both glad to finally get out of the bathroom.

I am reading....
how to organize your life. After reading the entire book I have come to the conclusion that I can sum it up much better in 3 simple step by step instructions....sell, donate, and when you're still left with crap....just torch the house....especially when it's a rent house.

I am hoping....
that we never encounter poison ivy/oak again....ever.

On my mind....
that in our rainy paradise, we failed to think of how rain brings with it fleas, ticks, mosquitoes, humidity and poisonous growth of all sorts. Summer in the amazon is shaping up to be quite interesting.

I am noticing...

that it is absolutely physically impossible to ever make it home without the bread getting smashed.

I am pondering....

that if tanning is so unhealthy and such a bad thing why I feel so healthy and good when I do it. I think vit d....even the synthetic, light bulb kind....is a mood lifter.

Around the house.....

a 7 year old boy high on prednisone. I am quite certain there has never been a kid so hyper, so rowdy, so active that has ever possessed the ability to fit so many words into a 60 second period or climb as many door frames as he has managed to climb. I have concluded that it is quite similar to watching an auctioneer perform at the circus.

Life in pics.....

I CAN build. However, the task is complicated just a bit when 2 18 month old boys keep trying to help and are experts at disappearing with the tools.We did learn that a hiking boot works just as well as a hammer does. Improvise, adapt and overcome. Instruction manual said 2 hour assembly time....I managed to knock it out in a record breaking 5.

The completed pantry. Shift husband working, oldest camping. Evye, Aubrey and I left to get the job done. Hinges were even managed to be put on in the right direction the very first try. 1 down, 1 to go. After this experience I have become quite the expert at construction and building materials. Next up.....one from scratch. As in....Lowe's is fixin to do some wood cutting and the drill is being unearthed from the basement abyss.

When absolutely everything within the house is locked down or bolted to the floor to keep them off of it....they simply pull the drawers out of the office desk.

.....and they climb.

...everything.

Sticking carrots down the shopvac hose they saw fit to disconnect. We're in the midst of a clutter overhaul, thus the background mess.

Hitchin a ride. Like the monkey leash??? All the things one swore they would never in a lifetime do to their kids....and yep....there it is.

Not bad at all.

Now they just get all the bottom rack shoe baskets, empty them and tote them around as stepping stools. Organization projects taking place within the background.

The "child proof" door knob covers. This is how he greeted me from his nap. And, no....despite physical appearance he doesn't compete in the UFC. 

Sonic fun. Nothing like taking your drinks from the carhop looking like this.

From Introvert to Here

Hot coffee, climbing toddlers all over lap, 53 degree morning, rays of sun that unfurl from sky streaming through dense canopy of green. Life beckons...so many things that call to be done. I need to run, workout of day awaits, babies need breakfast, sleeping tiny man stirs in swing, ongoing projects await, cereal bowls haphazardly clutter table, dry....and wet...cereal spilled across cabinet, over turned bowls of oatmeal scavenging babies discovered lie on carpet, random articles of clothing strewn across floor in haste of bedtime a mere 12 hours ago. I need to ready self...errands needing to be run, sleeping husband soon to awake and the beautiful day beckons to family. Begging begins...hike with daddy....discover what lies beyond even still. Big huge world, so much to see. Undoubtedly these adventure seeking, fun loving children are flesh of my flesh....born with the deep, crazy passionate need ingrained somewhere into their little lives to constantly push and see what lies beyond....wander lusting little souls that long to see the bigger picture of it all. The world is big. I contemplate plans for day...battling need to accomplish projects while fighting procrastination urges and the deep desire to give in to their pleas. For a moment I linger before huge energy inefficient windows of home and gaze at green curtain above...this forested life lived. Thoughts wander.



We tease that we return to "hole" as rumbling, diesel van drives through property gates. We descend down hilled driveway from glorious sun to buried hole away from the eyes of the world.... family disappearing into mysterious, veiled, curtained life. Neighbors wonder with curiosity what we do, how we live, what takes place behind the green wall. Vehicles on road slow as they attempt to catch glimpses of "the crazy people with a ton of kids" eating at dinner table. They catch glimpses of life and light in floor to ceiling windows as we gather at dinner table to eat....and we laugh. Daylight comes and we leave shadows....shaded life... driving into full sunlight once more and I marvel over my life...how much like my own self it all is. From the depth of the recesses of introvert....the kind of introvert that physically aches when people are encountered....to here...now....this life we know. Verses wander through mind, paraphrased and a bit rough in every way. "When I came to you I didn't impress you with polished speeches or words.  It was all plain and simple. I was unsure and felt totally inadequate. I was scared to death, if you want the truth of it all, and so nothing I said could've impressed you or anyone else. But the message came through anyway. God's spirit and His power did it all, which makes it clear that anyone's response to it is not because of anything I have ever in a lifetime done or said. It is spirit response to His spirit...the innate way He has created us as beings to respond to Him. It's something mysterious that goes deep into the interior of His purposes. It's not found lying around on the surface. It is not a surface message. It's not the latest message, but more like the oldest - what God determined as the way to bring out the best in us......" and on it goes. 1 Cor 2. "He chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; He chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong." Yet more of Corinthians so relevant to the hermit preferred life that has been happily chosen for so many years.




I ponder words that float through head as children in van laugh and chatter amongst themselves. Warmth of sun streams down and I marvel at the transformation God is doing in my own life. Deep stomach churning as I must make a phone call, nail biting when someone visits.....yet He has brought us here to this place in life....this forcing so far beyond my own comfort zone to shape me into His image and fulfill His purpose. The eyes of the world watch intently as we live. They are felt everywhere....novelty to most...these 11 children born in a time span of 14 yrs 2 months. I look at our life here and how we have all changed...blossomed into fulness we have never known. As oldest and little boys become highly active in Scouts, church activities surround family with friendships forged unlike we have ever known....activities, functions and fellowshipping, girls have discovered love of AHG. All have required me to step far outside of comfort zone and interact with others. And in the interaction I have found solace, comfort, friendship, confidence in this foreign land we inhabit...this land that is quickly transforming into home.

We step up and lead a den in cub scouts, I volunteer self to become community outreach director of girls' AHG. Off shift husband volunteers truck to haul oldest and troop to upcoming campout. And suddenly there is life here.....so much joy. Children flourish and joy returns to the hearts of those closest to us, these little lives for which husband and I are responsible. There is no greater joy than to know our children walk in truth, have been given life long friendships, flourish as they reach to attain goals that will better their entire lives, growth of character, morals, ethics. My heart overflows. And still I ponder how it is we came to this place in life. How my hermit loving self can go from the dry, vast, barren lands buried deeply....secretly... in the wilderness of west Texas to here....this social, interactive, fun loving one that thrives on the many amazing people God has brought into our lives. I remember words spoken nights before as I ask what needs our family can meet and where best I can serve to help....."Y'all are such a blessing to us. How badly we need family involvement. And you are such a dynamic person. You can certainly lead in a few different areas. And your children. They're all so amazing. You could easily bring them along if that would help because they'll just play quietly."


I drive home quietly. Dynamic. I don't feel dynamic. I certainly don't sound dynamic. "When I came to you I didn't impress you with polished speeches or words. It was all plain and simple. I was unsure and felt totally inadequate....." People asking to come over and observe us for a day...to see how we live...what we do to have such well behaved, well rounded, social, interactive, firmly grounded kids. And steps falter. I don't feel adequate. I am not adequate. Who am I to show anybody anything? My children will sit still.....for maybe 45 minutes....if that. The carpet.....it needs a blowtorch taken to it. The house....it needs an atomic bomb dropped on it. But then, oh yeah....somebody already set one off inside. The bathrooms.....they need to be powerwashed in bleach...but, then again, babies already saw fit to smear hand soap and cleansing shampoo all over it. School books....they don't really exist. Our school lies on the floor of the forest, lives in the trees, nests on the branches, was discovered in the 4 mile hike, strength of mind and body learned in the 2 mile run we all accomplished. History resides in the mill we all marveled over, the mechanics of it all with the little they had to work with so many years ago. History lives in the men and women reenacting civil war realities as we all watch in awe. Children walk away with new found respect of freedom so often taken for granted, as they watch men fall, suffer, families mourn....for what we know today as a society. History floats in the Cape Fear River as the USS North Carolina whispers quietly of our past. Science....it lies everywhere in the mechanics of everything around us, it lives in our front yard. The only traditional thing we do in life would be the math books and handwriting....the papers they write over what they have seen. Their natural curiosity and passion for life is the foundation of the rest of the life we live.


What can I reasonably teach anyone? People have visions of our 11 children seated at a kitchen table, happily...quietly....penciling in gramatically correct sentences, studiously bent over workbooks all working in harmony, what tv portrays of mega families schooling. Reality is 15,000 different varieties of  foliage and flora lying across kitchen cabinet accompanied by no less than 348 different varieties of pinecones, 30 different textures of red clay, 244, 807 different sized twigs, branches and all out logs, 32 different dead butterflies, 11 crawling roly polies, and whatever else they've unearthed in their passionate curiosity of life. Clock lies across table in pieces as 7 year old has wondered long enough about the inner mechanics of it all and finally been given permission to entirely dismantle in his efforts to view it all and figure it all out. Bike pieces strewn across carport as oldest works with younger ones to repair and do maintenance. Reality is 2 highly driven 18 month olds digging into every inch of house, baby chirping happily in swing, kids coming and going...some gathered around computer in their research of the bug, some copying letters from newly delivered fedex box, some found digging in yard unearthing all of life. It's not what people think it is here. It's not what the world wants to see. It's not the Duggar family all bent over school books, getting along in their high pitched voices as children never battle sibling rivalry. It's real here. They fight, they argue, they drive each other nuts, they're loud, they scream, they do kid crap. They don't gather around table quietly seated learning science out of a book. They discover it. It's loud here. It's active. It's a ton of life with 11 kids living in 1500 sq ft. And we follow behind in consistency as we train them up and consequences are encountered when undesired behavior is exhibited...unlike the tv shows where it's not really ever encountered. But just as passionately as they bicker they love. They have the best of friends within each other, and they laugh, play, talk and chatter just as merrily. They learn, they discover, they throw open the doors of education by each other's sides. And we live in a very real way....just like everybody else does.


I take in the scene around me and I know on such a deep inner level how absolutely, entirely inadequate I am to guide or demonstrate anything to anyone. We've come a very long way in life....but how very much farther we still have left to go. It's amazing to be where we are now, to see where we started and what 15 years of marriage have taught us..where the Lord has brought us. I can only imagine where we'll be in another 15 years as we continue to learn, to parent, to friend our children more than parent them as they reach adulthood, to walk this road God has us treading, to live the story. So I ponder what  God has done...what it is to leave the shade and drive out into full sun. How amazing it is to soak in the warmth as we are being taught to live in the sun...how foreign the warmth of it all feels after living in the hermited shade all of life, fearing people, fearing perceptions, fearing impressions, fearing foolishness in front of people, fearing my inadequacy with spoken words, fearing my absolutely uncharasmatic self in front of those I admire. Freedom. Confidence. Embracing life outside of the cave as who I am, where I am, knowing that anything that is learned, gained or felt because of us...any change that takes place in another's life because of what people have seen is us...is because of His spirit and His ability to bring out the best in me despite the absolute inadequacy possessed within me to carry anything out. I am absolutely humbled by what people see....and a bit petrified still of the social nature required of new life here. Within the fear also lies a joy of everything new we have been given and all with which the Lord has surrounded us. How amazing it is to be here now and know life outside of the cave. But how unnerving it can be at times too.

And I totally know this post rambles....because it's been written over the course of many, many, many days. So, if thoughts stray and then return to point.....maybe because it's taken some 20 days to actually write.

A Day in the Life...

 

The banks!!

Since I'm apparently so great at keeping up on here and writing entire dissertations about life right now here's yet....more pics! Oneday I'll write again. Someday.

7 weeks

The forbidden...

The "almost twins". Garrett is now closer in height to Grant than Grant is to his own twin. People are being constantly corrected as to who Grant's twin really is.

Kids are so gross. Not only did she pick it up...she brought it in the house...alive! Found in the dog food can. We had cats for a reason. It took Grayson merely one shot for him to rid the world of the Bubonic carrying, sewage loving creature. Not bad for a mouse on the run. And the next morning.....they got up and did it all over again. The dog food can now has a lid on it.

Sweet, sweet, kissable, lovable boy of mine.

In case you ever wonder..... This would be how you haul stuff in a van already maxed out with kids.

11 kids and 2 shelving units successfully crammed into 3 square feet of space! How is it that when it's being treated for ticks it's as big as Grand Central Station but when fitting shelving in it's no bigger than the silverware drawer? The floor regularly pukes up all forms of petrified substances.....so yeah....let's not go there.

Grayson discovered this on a bundle of boxes in Home Depot. I'm  thinking somebody is in need of some remedial math. No...it's not wrong....but umm.....head math, anyone? Even our worst at math can figure this one out.....most days.

Yes....we eat healthy on station nights. But that's not the point. The decision of the day....tie up the microwave for an hour....6 x's 9 = an hour...or close enough.....or put them all in the oven for an hour. Either way....it's gonna take an hour....and they didn't get started until 7. Soooo.....they ate waffles.

Bubble baby. Seeing as how Gavin poured the entire dispenser of hand soap into the bottom of the tub Gates got an unexpected spa day.

Beach day celebrating the end of a pretty trying season in life. 9 very happy kids

.....and little #10. Apparently the 64 degrees and windy conditions were a little colder for him than everybody else. His teeth were chattering. It didn't seem to stop everybody else from diving in though! How amazing it is to be here in 64 degree windiness while our west Texas hometown is seeing highs above 100. I find it funny that this beach had NO footprints or tracks in the sand, other than tire tracks from an ATV beach ranger, before we arrived. That's a whole lot of little feet running around. I love looking at the different sized feet our family has imprinted in the sand. The little things in life that amuse the mind and heart.

When everybody takes care of the one missing out on the fun.

The Whalehead Club. Some pretty amazing OBX history.

Currituck....again!

Barefoot and happy at the base of the light.

Helping daddy put together the grill.

I am pretty certain they never....ever....stop making messes.

I have found our new bunkbed solution.

sand eating boy

Before he froze.

gas station stops

Blurry but sweet.

As his dark newborn hair falls out it's growing in red. Yet another red headed boy. We seem to be fairly good at making those.

When they're supposed to be napping....

A pushing, B swinging...the forbidden swing. The duo that never stops moving....or getting into stuff.

Running errands. I had the privilege of driving this load home. We actually had to measure to make sure we'd fit under the bridges. 

I never worried about forgetting where I parked that day.

35 miles later....home.

Some pretty excited, bike loving kids. I really love craigslist.

Since the basement closet was a dismal failure. Trying again one more time.  Children were blessed abundantly with clothes while husband's visiting parents were here all last week. As grateful as we are for children's needs being so abundantly met.....entire wardrobes for 11 children have the potential to be very amazingly overwhelming to the head. If anything has the ability to make me crazy....it's clothes. And people think I'm joking when I say I'm a day away from joining a nudist colony. The everybody closet has made life easier in every regard....but we lost it here for a few months. The walk in closet of our last home proved to be amazing for the everybody closet purpose. The basement here....not so much. With only 1500 sq ft to work with within the entire house finding a spot for anything has proved challenging. Clothes have been the reason for tears on more than one occasion....as it proved to be yet again last week....even as minimally as I require wardrobes to be for everyone. Even just 1 pair of shorts, 1 pair of jeans and 3 t-shirts for everyone quickly adds up.....to 56 articles of clothing to be exact. And given the excessive daily use of just 1 pair of shorts and the holes that wore in them in a mere week's matter of time it didn't take a genius to quickly surmise one pair of shorts for each person would never work. But when we have a more reasonable 3 pair per person that's already just 39 pair of jeans alone. That doesn't even begin to include the 2 loads of towels per day, underwear, shirts and everything else. Patient husband had great mercy and compassion on my overwhelmed self and made room within the budget for cheap, plastic sturdy shelving, as the huge commercial metal shelving we put in basement proved to be too huge for the inside of house. It's now serving as a place for water laden boxes that no longer have any strength to be stacked. I moved entertainment center out of office area, as it was only serving as kitchen pantry storage, and put the shelves together to create our new everybody closet. Located in the office right off the kitchen where washer/dryer closet is located, this is proving to be quite amazing. It's easy to keep organized and put away, clothes can be put up even during naps, and when anything is out of order or strung out it's seen quickly and easily picked up....and washer/dryer are right around the corner! I really really love this.

All clean clothes located on left shelves. Shelves on right side of room contain dirty clothes.

Shelves on left of room containing clean clothes from left to right:
Bottom row - boot basket, Grayson's shoes (he's in a 14 so gets his own basket), all girls shoes, little boy shoes
2nd row - Ivye's clothes, little boys' pjs/underwear, little boys shorts, little boys jeans
3rd row - everybody sock basket, older girls pj's/underclothing, older girls jeans and shorts, Gates' clothes
4th row - Grayson's jeans, Grayson's pj's/underwear, little twins' clothes, Sunday basket (church jeans, belts, and clothes to be worn - we put those in Sat night so they can just grab and go on Sun morning)
Top row - baskets still in basement due to stuff within needing to be washed from dust, mud and flood. They will be pillowcases, extra blankets, twin sheets, king sheets.

Shelves on right side of room containing dirty clothes:
bottom row - towels
2nd row - jeans
3rd row - darks
4th row - lights
Top row - extra baskets waiting for clean loads from dryer.

We now have a hanging rack located in between two shelving units so all hang ups are now in closet area too. Pics to come. Rule is that all shirts are hung up...even t-shirts. They are much easier to locate that way and no longer are lost in massive wadded up messes. Small house closets are now used for sleeping bag storage and rods are used for girls long dresses and skirts. I. am. happy.

His newest accomplishment.

Garrett taking care of his babies.

He wasn't a fan of being man handled.

...but he is definitely loved by these two