From Introvert to Here

Hot coffee, climbing toddlers all over lap, 53 degree morning, rays of sun that unfurl from sky streaming through dense canopy of green. Life beckons...so many things that call to be done. I need to run, workout of day awaits, babies need breakfast, sleeping tiny man stirs in swing, ongoing projects await, cereal bowls haphazardly clutter table, dry....and wet...cereal spilled across cabinet, over turned bowls of oatmeal scavenging babies discovered lie on carpet, random articles of clothing strewn across floor in haste of bedtime a mere 12 hours ago. I need to ready self...errands needing to be run, sleeping husband soon to awake and the beautiful day beckons to family. Begging begins...hike with daddy....discover what lies beyond even still. Big huge world, so much to see. Undoubtedly these adventure seeking, fun loving children are flesh of my flesh....born with the deep, crazy passionate need ingrained somewhere into their little lives to constantly push and see what lies beyond....wander lusting little souls that long to see the bigger picture of it all. The world is big. I contemplate plans for day...battling need to accomplish projects while fighting procrastination urges and the deep desire to give in to their pleas. For a moment I linger before huge energy inefficient windows of home and gaze at green curtain above...this forested life lived. Thoughts wander.



We tease that we return to "hole" as rumbling, diesel van drives through property gates. We descend down hilled driveway from glorious sun to buried hole away from the eyes of the world.... family disappearing into mysterious, veiled, curtained life. Neighbors wonder with curiosity what we do, how we live, what takes place behind the green wall. Vehicles on road slow as they attempt to catch glimpses of "the crazy people with a ton of kids" eating at dinner table. They catch glimpses of life and light in floor to ceiling windows as we gather at dinner table to eat....and we laugh. Daylight comes and we leave shadows....shaded life... driving into full sunlight once more and I marvel over my life...how much like my own self it all is. From the depth of the recesses of introvert....the kind of introvert that physically aches when people are encountered....to here...now....this life we know. Verses wander through mind, paraphrased and a bit rough in every way. "When I came to you I didn't impress you with polished speeches or words.  It was all plain and simple. I was unsure and felt totally inadequate. I was scared to death, if you want the truth of it all, and so nothing I said could've impressed you or anyone else. But the message came through anyway. God's spirit and His power did it all, which makes it clear that anyone's response to it is not because of anything I have ever in a lifetime done or said. It is spirit response to His spirit...the innate way He has created us as beings to respond to Him. It's something mysterious that goes deep into the interior of His purposes. It's not found lying around on the surface. It is not a surface message. It's not the latest message, but more like the oldest - what God determined as the way to bring out the best in us......" and on it goes. 1 Cor 2. "He chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; He chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong." Yet more of Corinthians so relevant to the hermit preferred life that has been happily chosen for so many years.




I ponder words that float through head as children in van laugh and chatter amongst themselves. Warmth of sun streams down and I marvel at the transformation God is doing in my own life. Deep stomach churning as I must make a phone call, nail biting when someone visits.....yet He has brought us here to this place in life....this forcing so far beyond my own comfort zone to shape me into His image and fulfill His purpose. The eyes of the world watch intently as we live. They are felt everywhere....novelty to most...these 11 children born in a time span of 14 yrs 2 months. I look at our life here and how we have all changed...blossomed into fulness we have never known. As oldest and little boys become highly active in Scouts, church activities surround family with friendships forged unlike we have ever known....activities, functions and fellowshipping, girls have discovered love of AHG. All have required me to step far outside of comfort zone and interact with others. And in the interaction I have found solace, comfort, friendship, confidence in this foreign land we inhabit...this land that is quickly transforming into home.

We step up and lead a den in cub scouts, I volunteer self to become community outreach director of girls' AHG. Off shift husband volunteers truck to haul oldest and troop to upcoming campout. And suddenly there is life here.....so much joy. Children flourish and joy returns to the hearts of those closest to us, these little lives for which husband and I are responsible. There is no greater joy than to know our children walk in truth, have been given life long friendships, flourish as they reach to attain goals that will better their entire lives, growth of character, morals, ethics. My heart overflows. And still I ponder how it is we came to this place in life. How my hermit loving self can go from the dry, vast, barren lands buried deeply....secretly... in the wilderness of west Texas to here....this social, interactive, fun loving one that thrives on the many amazing people God has brought into our lives. I remember words spoken nights before as I ask what needs our family can meet and where best I can serve to help....."Y'all are such a blessing to us. How badly we need family involvement. And you are such a dynamic person. You can certainly lead in a few different areas. And your children. They're all so amazing. You could easily bring them along if that would help because they'll just play quietly."


I drive home quietly. Dynamic. I don't feel dynamic. I certainly don't sound dynamic. "When I came to you I didn't impress you with polished speeches or words. It was all plain and simple. I was unsure and felt totally inadequate....." People asking to come over and observe us for a day...to see how we live...what we do to have such well behaved, well rounded, social, interactive, firmly grounded kids. And steps falter. I don't feel adequate. I am not adequate. Who am I to show anybody anything? My children will sit still.....for maybe 45 minutes....if that. The carpet.....it needs a blowtorch taken to it. The house....it needs an atomic bomb dropped on it. But then, oh yeah....somebody already set one off inside. The bathrooms.....they need to be powerwashed in bleach...but, then again, babies already saw fit to smear hand soap and cleansing shampoo all over it. School books....they don't really exist. Our school lies on the floor of the forest, lives in the trees, nests on the branches, was discovered in the 4 mile hike, strength of mind and body learned in the 2 mile run we all accomplished. History resides in the mill we all marveled over, the mechanics of it all with the little they had to work with so many years ago. History lives in the men and women reenacting civil war realities as we all watch in awe. Children walk away with new found respect of freedom so often taken for granted, as they watch men fall, suffer, families mourn....for what we know today as a society. History floats in the Cape Fear River as the USS North Carolina whispers quietly of our past. Science....it lies everywhere in the mechanics of everything around us, it lives in our front yard. The only traditional thing we do in life would be the math books and handwriting....the papers they write over what they have seen. Their natural curiosity and passion for life is the foundation of the rest of the life we live.


What can I reasonably teach anyone? People have visions of our 11 children seated at a kitchen table, happily...quietly....penciling in gramatically correct sentences, studiously bent over workbooks all working in harmony, what tv portrays of mega families schooling. Reality is 15,000 different varieties of  foliage and flora lying across kitchen cabinet accompanied by no less than 348 different varieties of pinecones, 30 different textures of red clay, 244, 807 different sized twigs, branches and all out logs, 32 different dead butterflies, 11 crawling roly polies, and whatever else they've unearthed in their passionate curiosity of life. Clock lies across table in pieces as 7 year old has wondered long enough about the inner mechanics of it all and finally been given permission to entirely dismantle in his efforts to view it all and figure it all out. Bike pieces strewn across carport as oldest works with younger ones to repair and do maintenance. Reality is 2 highly driven 18 month olds digging into every inch of house, baby chirping happily in swing, kids coming and going...some gathered around computer in their research of the bug, some copying letters from newly delivered fedex box, some found digging in yard unearthing all of life. It's not what people think it is here. It's not what the world wants to see. It's not the Duggar family all bent over school books, getting along in their high pitched voices as children never battle sibling rivalry. It's real here. They fight, they argue, they drive each other nuts, they're loud, they scream, they do kid crap. They don't gather around table quietly seated learning science out of a book. They discover it. It's loud here. It's active. It's a ton of life with 11 kids living in 1500 sq ft. And we follow behind in consistency as we train them up and consequences are encountered when undesired behavior is exhibited...unlike the tv shows where it's not really ever encountered. But just as passionately as they bicker they love. They have the best of friends within each other, and they laugh, play, talk and chatter just as merrily. They learn, they discover, they throw open the doors of education by each other's sides. And we live in a very real way....just like everybody else does.


I take in the scene around me and I know on such a deep inner level how absolutely, entirely inadequate I am to guide or demonstrate anything to anyone. We've come a very long way in life....but how very much farther we still have left to go. It's amazing to be where we are now, to see where we started and what 15 years of marriage have taught us..where the Lord has brought us. I can only imagine where we'll be in another 15 years as we continue to learn, to parent, to friend our children more than parent them as they reach adulthood, to walk this road God has us treading, to live the story. So I ponder what  God has done...what it is to leave the shade and drive out into full sun. How amazing it is to soak in the warmth as we are being taught to live in the sun...how foreign the warmth of it all feels after living in the hermited shade all of life, fearing people, fearing perceptions, fearing impressions, fearing foolishness in front of people, fearing my inadequacy with spoken words, fearing my absolutely uncharasmatic self in front of those I admire. Freedom. Confidence. Embracing life outside of the cave as who I am, where I am, knowing that anything that is learned, gained or felt because of us...any change that takes place in another's life because of what people have seen is us...is because of His spirit and His ability to bring out the best in me despite the absolute inadequacy possessed within me to carry anything out. I am absolutely humbled by what people see....and a bit petrified still of the social nature required of new life here. Within the fear also lies a joy of everything new we have been given and all with which the Lord has surrounded us. How amazing it is to be here now and know life outside of the cave. But how unnerving it can be at times too.

And I totally know this post rambles....because it's been written over the course of many, many, many days. So, if thoughts stray and then return to point.....maybe because it's taken some 20 days to actually write.