The Refusal to Suffer

Lord God, the greatest temptation of our time,

this is the greatest sin of my days.

This impatience, is it really a refusal to suffer?

Then Patience is the converse: the willingness to suffer.

Please, do that in me. Don't I long to know You? I can wait....

I found this here and was immediately captivated by the message....because it is me. If ever there was an impatient being on this earth....it is me. Those comments in passing by strangers on streets, "You must have the patience of a saint!!!!" with well rehearsed reply, "No, I probably have much less than you do" is no small understatement in the realities of everyday life.

The greatest temptation of our time is impatience, in its full, original meaning: refusal to wait, undergo, suffer." ...~Eugen Rosenstock-Huessy

I can wait. How impatient and how self serving I have become in my life of living in the society that we do....of total, immediate self gratification. There is something so much bigger than myself that God is trying to do. He is working and He is moving and how can I be so self focused that I live in total irritability of what I do not have or what has "happened to me" in this life. Do I not see that He has His hand so intricately placed upon my life...upon the life of our family....and is doing such a greater work? I do not know the plans He has for me but I do know that He has them. The world is so much bigger than my own small suffering. I lay for nights absorbed in self pity when I fail to see what He is orchestrating and the work He is seeking to do in our little family. My heart is turned to Him and I am broken. Broken and crushed that I have not listened and my heart has been so hard. My anger standing in the way of what it is He seeks to do. This depression and this anger have lasted for months now......since all of this began in early July. As the children and I learn about different countries, poverty stricken in every way, different cultures, different religions - Hindu, Islam, Buddhism, Judaism, Animism, I am struck by my own "wealth" and absolutely convicted that we are here at this time in life, raised in a family that has taught me to seek Him, living in a country that allows me the freedom to publicly pursue my relationship with a living God who is very real and at work in our family right now. In my own life as I have searched for truth, finding my own way and trying my best to figure out WHO He is and WHERE He is, I have known Him and I have seen Him. I see Him at work in my own life now, I see Him at work in the lives of our children, I see Him in the mundane of my everyday life, I see Him at work in the life of my husband. I was raised with it "shoved down my throat", if you will, which eventually resulted in me searching it out and seeking to find why it is we do what we do. But having searched the world over and as our children are educated about life beyond our four walls I once again realize just how blessed I am to have found the Life giving source which does sustain me.......if I let Him.

When in life did I become so complacent and so self centered as to demand what I want when I want it? Is not that my job to teach my own children those very virtues...to teach them to suffer...to be willing to place their own desires on hold for the wellbeing of others, to teach them to be patient for God to make His plan known to them, to teach them to be longsuffering? Why, if our little girl is so whole and so perfect in every way after what she has endured, am I not praising His name and exalting Him in everything that I do, instead of focusing on what wrong has been done to us? Why do I continue to stay so angry? Why do I not sing praises to the Lord because I rest in the total security that our sweet baby is growing and being raised within the presence of God Himself?

I have grown impatient over and again. Once the overwhelming grief subsided and my days turned to being overshadowed in sadness I began to turn my focus towards another baby. My heart aches, my arms ache and I know that come March our lives will not be filled with the sweet presence of our baby boy. So sadness eventually turned into a bit of obsession as I became tormented with the thoughts of just how long it will take to get pregnant again........if I get pregnant again. Day after day the loss of this baby has continued on within my body and day after day my heart grew more restless and discontent with the fact that not only had God let the life of this sweet baby slip away but now He has drawn the process of this loss out over many weeks. An average miscarriage lasts about 7 days from beginning to end with the actual passing of the baby taking anywhere from 2-24 hours. And here I sat 2 and then 3 and then 4 weeks into it. We were assured by several different care providers that, though this was not typical, it was not by any means abnormal. So, self pity once again took over along with a huge dose of anger and impatience. Again....why???? Why ME???? Why now? Why after Aubrey? Why after the adoption? Why allow it to turn into this when it could've been just "normal" like everybody else? Weeks passed along with the growing knowledge that it may take months for my body to ever return to normal again. And again, both anger and sadness overwhelmed me.

But through this process my heart is being changed and I know that God is at work. Who am I? And when did I ever begin to demand that my life be so perfect? Where has my willingness to suffer gone....or has it ever existed? Where is the willingness to pick up the cross and know what it is to suffer?

Patience is the converse: the willingness to suffer.

Please, do that in me. Don't I long to know You? I can wait....

A New Day

How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long will I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart all day long? How long will my enemies be exalted over me? Consider and answer me, O Lord my God! Enlighten my eyes, cause I do not wish to sleep the sleep of death. Lest my enemy say, I have overcome her, lest my adversaries rejoice when I am shaken. But I have trusted in Your lovingkindess. My heart will rejoice in Your salvation. I will sing to You, Lord, because You have dealt bountifully with me." Psalm 13

"...Meditate in your heart upon your bed and be still." Ps 4:4

"In peace I will both lay down and sleep, for You alone, O Lord, makes me dwell in safety." Ps 4:8

"The Lord also will be an anchor for the oppressed, an anchor in times of trouble. And I know Your name and I will put my trust in You. For You, O Lord, have not forsaken me because I seek You." Ps 9:9,10

"In God whose word I praise, In God I have put my trust, I will not be afraid. What can mere man do to me?" Ps 56:4

"But certainly God has heard. He has given heed to the voice of my cries. Blessed be God who has not turned away my prayer, nor His lovingkindess from me." Ps 66:19,20

I'm trading my sorrow

I'm trading my shame

I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness

I'm trading my pain

I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

And I say yes Lord, do your work in me.

I'm pressed but not crushed, persecuted not abandoned

Struck down but not destroyed

I'm blessed beyond the curse for His promise will endure

And His joy's gonna be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night

His joy comes with the morning.

We began our new school year this morning. We were scheduled to start last Monday but due to the flu it was rescheduled for today. As we began with everyone gathering around for Bible and I read from Ps 27 and Proverbs 27....so, yes, I am completely a day off and thought today was the 27th....I was taken by this verse. All 8 children sat around me in quiet attention which I suppose for me was like putting the verses under a microscope. As we dissect the verses and they are explained I was caught in the reality of what these mean. Really, the whole chapter made me think about where I am but I have meditated on these few verses all throughout my day. And so it was that with the reading of Psalms we started from the beginning and began to search out how we are rescued and never forsaken or abandoned.





"Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice, and be gracious to me and answer me.....Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger. You have been my help, do not abandon me or forsake me, O God of my salvation!.....I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord. Be strong and let your heart take courage. Yes, wait for the Lord." Compilation of Ps 27





So we begin a new day with renewed hope and a new outlook. Our days are beginning to return to the grandeur of normalcy.....and a sense of luxurious peace that I desperately missed. Yesterday was a fairly good day with only the physical toll that is being taken from a 2nd trimester miscarriage. Since we have chosen to miscarry naturally the process is quite longer and more drawn out than had we chosen to do a D&C or use a drug known as cytotec, since they each have their own risks and were more intervention than I desired. So the cramps come and go with some days being much harder than others. Despite the fact I dreaded Brad going back on shift after a month of being off due to vacation and the flu it actually spurred me into motion, I suppose. It was the needed swift kick in the butt that was required to send me back into action and start the process of beginning to take control once more. I actually feared having him away. I've never had an emotional breakdown but for the first time in my life I could actually envision what one is. But surprisingly, as God has so perfectly orchestrated everything else about this, He knew what it would take to ever so gently get me moving again.





So yesterday, ever so gently, our normalcy returned. It began with no less than waking up to a missing dog due to a gate having been left open the night before. After alerting the children and slipping on some shoes I was met at the said gate with a big ole dog holding a very dead, very chewed up chicken in her mouth. Grayson was called in to pitch the chicken into the gin pasture for the foxes while I continued on with the morning routine. With Grayson fairly irritated over his continual loss of his egg laying money makers the morning started out with some in a very sour mood. While dealing with him Grant was climbing the refrigerator door, unbeknownst to me. Once reaching the object of his desire he scooted it off to his partner in crime below. His partner was supposed to have caught it but, of course, missed so a brand new, entire commercial sized container of Nesquik hit the floor with its plastic container splitting open upon impact. For anyone who has never cleaned up dry Nesquik, it's about the equivalent of sweeping up sand.....four pounds of it to be exact. And if the "sand" happens to come into contact with water it magnificently transforms into chocolate glue. Once done sweeping...and mopping...that up.....since even the best of sweeping enabled children could not get all of that up.....I heard someone say that Gavin had peed in the floor. Since he knows full well how to use the toilet on his own now and has been doing it for some weeks this only proved to heighten the intensity of moods around the house. With instructions given to clean that up and some correction on my end given to him our very normal morning continued on. I'm not quite sure an entire hour went by before I walked into my bathroom to find the entire contents of the safety pin jar sprinkled all over the floor and a happy little baby chewing on no less than 5 of them....all pretty much closed....except for the 4 still open. I fished those out, cleaned up that mess. With the day having my full attention by this point I am quite sure I never once pondered the thought of falling back down into a depressed state....cause at this point, who has time for that crap? I couldn't even think....let alone try to wallow around in everything that has gone wrong over the last few months. It didn't even take 30 minutes for the next disaster to strike. With Grayson in his sour mood he was quite content to walk around provoking everyone. Once their mood matched his he'd somehow happily walk off. So, this of course, had to be addressed. Realization of this fact came a little too late as the sound of glass shattering could be heard all throughout the house. Since Grant had reached his little boiling point and Grayson continued on in his provocations Grant gathered up the only thing within reach...which happened to be a baby food jar.....and chucked it at Grayson as hard as humanly possible for a newly turned 5 year old. And actually it had some amazing force behind it. Now, of course, the 2 boys definitely had to be addressed. Grayson cleaned up shattered glass while I corrected the angry action that drove the glass into the wall. Then I went on to correct the source behind what caused the anger to begin with. We managed to get in lunch and a quick clean before leaving for town. The plan was to have played at the park for the afternoon but since I still wasn't feeling very good that was easily thrown out due to the 95 degree heat. I still have no desire to see the guys at the station, receive hugs or hear their condolences about the baby so I avoided going in. We stopped by for a minute so the children could see Brad and the trucks in the bay....the pinnacle of the little boys' day....and then just turned around and went home after exchanging some of the boys' birthday pajamas. And let it be known that Target on a Sunday is far from being in their family friendly mode. I am quite sure we ticked off about every person in there from employee to shopper alike. Despite the children doing perfectly well they were a bit put out with the number of people in our little entourage and the space we took up. When did children become such a bother in the world? I am still shocked by the reactions of some. And the loss of this baby has made me realize just how much the general public dismisses children as a downright bother to put up with. When in life did children become such a burden to the world? One tired looking young mother walked by breathlessly and just said in tones of complete exhaustion, "I don't know how you do it. I left my 2 at home." That was about the only "encouraging" comment that came and even that seemed far from encouraging just due to the general attitude of wanting to get rid of your children or looking for any break you can get from them. I am no stranger to wanting to sell my children off at times but the moment is always fleeting. As I am with them 24/7 and they accompany us everywhere I go due to lack of funds for a babysitter most of the time I guess I have just learned to embrace them...because they are the joy that God has given me. Not only do I love my children but I actually like them....which I am beginning to think is rather foreign in this day and age of fast paced living where they are viewed as nothing but little time consumers and ankle biters that follow one around nipping at your heels.





We returned home and it didn't take long for the rodeo to resume about where it had left off. Baby Ivye found a bowl of unattended pudding left on the table and once the spoon proved to be to slow in shoveling it in she gave up and went at it with bare hands. After sufficiently finger painting the floor, table and herself with it she figured out what fun it was and just climbed within the bowl. Of course her fat cloth diapered little butt just squished any remaining pudding right out over the sides of the bowl and we now had little pudding puddles going...that Gavin thought were extremely fun and tasty. With mess #104 of the day cleaned up my pain threshold was beginning to be taxed. It came as no surprise but is still no less rewarding when the older ones stepped up to the plate and begin to manage. Evye fixed everyone's entire dinner from making pancakes from scratch to cutting them up and making and pouring everyone's chocolate milk while Grayson got everybody cleaned up and readied for bed. After tucking them all in and bedding them down for the night he cleaned up the kitchen and Aubrey cleaned the house. She cleaned off the table and floor, folded up chairs and placed them on the table and picked up the floor and straightened everything...........all while I lay in bed trying to do pain management. It is not often that they are called upon to do everything and manage the house but I love that when they are needed they have been trained well and are completely capable of doing what is needed of them. After everything was done and the house grew quiet the older 3 popped popcorn and piled up in bed with me for a late night movie. So much for our first school night of going to bed at a decent hour.





Sleep is beginning to come easier. For the time I am on pain meds and Benadryl has helped ease the sleep problems. Due to better nights I was able to rise at 6 am and begin my day. Part of the plan was to wake up to my own personal alone time with the Lord. But since I have been so mad and feeling so victimized by God I wasn't sure if I would actually incorporate that specific part of the schedule into my day. You'd think after so many years of being so blessed by the Lord and relying on Him for everything that this would be a no brainer......but it wasn't. I wrestle with God quite often when things like this come up. During the commuting years I stayed mad at Him for a very long while. Like a pendulum on steroids I rocketed between staying irate with Him to falling on my knees and begging for him to hear us and thanking Him for these trials "though they last for years"....two to be exact. So it was that I forced myself into my Bible and began looking for Him in what I saw as the mundane and habitually read chapters. In that time nothing stood out or seemed to highlight itself so I just continued on with my morning, content that I had followed through with my commitment. I thought it rather interesting that it took all 8 of my children sitting around me to really grasp what it is that is being read and the gravity that the words hold.





Since we grew a bit lax over the summer with "blanket training" I set to work on that with the younger ones since they were growing a bit too wiggly and distracting in times we needed them quiet. We just started at the beginning all over again but I suppose old habits die hard since they seemed to pick right back up where we'd left off and did great. It only lasted for 10 minutes this morning so in that regard we have to work on stretching the time back out to a full 1/2 hour and then full hour. While Grayson worked his usual 2 hours for a fellow city council member from 8-10 Evye occupied the little ones while I worked with Aubrey, Garrison and Grant on reading. Aubrey's almost done with "Teach your Child how to Read in 100 Easy Lessons"...yes we've somehow drug it out into an entire year process with her. Garrison and Grant are rifling through it at 5 lessons per day. We started some of it over the summer so they are now past the first little bit and reading short words.





With the start of school the day has stayed busy and active...a nice change of pace to the lazy summer days. I think the work that God is doing in my heart coupled with the change of focus from inner to outer has greatly improved my attitude. We may not know of anyone else that has been through what we have been through with Aubrey but I know more now than ever that God has us in this place for a very specific purpose in life. Even better proof of this fact is the obvious testimony of her own life....how God has so healed her in every way that she fears absolutely nothing. Though we suffered with very direct fears in the beginning that were directly related to what took place they lasted only a matter of mere weeks before she began to overcome each and every one of them. Her very name means "victorious blond ruler". And she lives up to every last bit of it. She is indeed healed in whole.....much more so than my heart has been. But in turn, I think I rejected much of the healing the Lord wanted to do just due to my stubborn and angry self at times. Sometimes it is so much easier to stay mad than it is to actually accept the healing and the forgiveness that is waiting so patiently on the other side. Though I cannot say I am done wrestling with my emotions and struggling with the why's of what all has taken place there is some sort of inner peace that has been reached. It is still a daily struggle to want to see the world. Grocery shopping this past weekend has been a chore. It's a struggle to go out and smile at women who are pregnant or people who gawk and count our children. It's hard to stand and answer the questions and/or comments politely when my heart still aches. Two amazingly kind women came over and doted on Ivye while we ate and then stood in amazement over the children's good manners and behaviour, stating over and again how blessed we are to have such a beautiful crew. So how is it that my heart can be so sad when receiving so much encouragement from the kindest of strangers? But somehow the more she praised the children and pointed out the many blessings we have been given the more my heart ached. Maybe because all is not as it seems??? Or maybe just because I recognize more now than I ever have in my entire life the blessings we truly have been so freely given in our children?





My heart still hurts but as it was stated so very well on this blog....I see what was our "former glory". I am having to learn to "think higher". As she wrote, "I need to see the now as even better, and if for no other reason, it is because God himself has worked this plan for our family, for our house." So for whatever reason we have been called to walk down this road I am confident that we can walk down it with grace and the strength He has given us to walk it. Over and over Psalms states that I have not been abandoned or forsaken...and indeed I have not. He has dealt bountifully with me. And so it is that I purposefully turn my focus from being victimized into praise over what good He has done in our lives as a family.

"I will exalt You, O Lord, for You have lifted me up and have not let my circumstances rejoice over me. O Lord my God, I cried to You for help and You did heal me. O Lord, You have brought me up from my misery, You have kept me alive that I should not go down to the pit of despair. Sing praises to the Lord, o chosen one, and give thanks to His holy name. For Your anger is but for a moment, Your favor for a lifetime. My weeping may last for the night but my joy comes in the morning. Now as for me, I said in my prosperity, 'I will not be moved.' O Lord, by Your favor You have made my mountain to stand strong but You did hide Your face and I was dismayed. To You, O Lord, I called and to You, O Lord, I made my supplication, my cries and pleas to You. Hear, O Lord, and be gracious to me. O Lord, come be my helper......my healer, my safety, my salvation, my rescuer, my saviour, my everything. You have turned for me my mourning into dancing, You have freed from my chains and armed me with gladness, that my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forevermore." Ps 30

All verses adapted to the way I interpret them and pray them.

More Dead Ends

Such an encouraging title, I know. But that's about the way my heart feels at this point. I try to refrain from posting on my bad days....but it seems as if they all are bad days right now. It seems as though I'll have 1 or 2 good days and then I plummet back into the depths of despair. I think I may need Prozac or something of the sort. I know it's normal to grieve and be sad over our loss but this is really to the point of being abnormal....or at least in my book. And maybe it's just that I'm grieving everything at once since I put most of it on the backburner for so long, pretty much just living in denial, I suppose, to continue functioning. But with all of the devastation being back to back every question I ever had....and then some.....surface and it brings with it a feeling of total abandonment.

I'm tired. I hate what this has done to me and I hate the control I have given it over my emotions. Lots of it still may be hormonal but I have never been one to blame anything on hormones. The majority of everything I've seen when "hormones" are at fault is really just an easy excuse for women to act like little turds. But I cannot help but think that they must be playing a part in my life to some extent because this is so irrationally abnormal and beyond much of my ability to control. I don't like being like this. In fact, I despise it. My days are filled with the grief and emptiness of losing our baby and my nights are filled with complete sleeplessness as I toss and turn fearing for the safety of our children. I try to remember what windows were left open and lay for hours pondering if they need to be shut, if all doors are locked and where the dogs are. Years worth of Scripture memorization play back through my head as I force myself to calm my fears with verses such as "God does not give us the spirit of fear but of power, of love and of a sound mind." But they bring little to no comfort. As I lay there waging war with my inner self I angrily wonder how I am supposed to trust a God to protect us now when He didn't protect us then. How can I trust that the violator will not come climbing through a window in the dark hours of the night because I have wholly put my trust in the Lord to protect us? Then those lead to the thought of the fact I knew something was wrong but didn't get up. So then it becomes up to me to act on it and protect my children. So if it is up to me then how can I sleep with windows open with any peace at all? How can I stop the insanity of obsessively checking every window and door no less than a thousand times before sleep prevails? Round and round my tumultuous thoughts go until sleep does finally prevail. Once I am claimed by sleep my mind is filled with absolute awfulness and nightmares that never seem to go away until I awake more exhausted then when I went to bed. So I cry out, scream really, at God for how abandoned I feel and how empty life seems right now. I am not by any means stupid enough to think that yelling at Him does any good at all but it makes me feel better. Gone are the days of absolute reverence of bowed head and closed eyes. If He is real and wanting a very real life relationship with His children then He is a God of very real emotion and is not above inclining His ear to the cry...the plea...of one of His own. I figure if David can ask where God went and He was one of the Lord's most beloved then surely I can ask. I know this probably goes against the grain of most traditional Christians and is certainly far from the way I was raised with our conservative Baptist upbringing and deep "don't question God" mentality. But I question. I question alot. After one of our own children being completely violated, doors being slammed shut concerning adoption and the loss of our tiny baby I am filled with questions of what it is He wants of us, what it is He desires to mold and shape us into....because really I'm just kind of mad. Visions of 3 yr old Garrett throwing his temper tantrums float threw my head and it seems a little reminiscent of me right about now. In my self pity I look at at least 5 other couples that continue to skate by in life with hardly a problem in the world....maybe a few bumps and bruises along the way but mild in comparison to the road we have walked. And I wonder why it is that we continue to be tested by fire over and again.

We came home from our vacation only to have everyone contract the swine flu. I thought it ironic that we live only 3 hrs from the Mexico border but had to go to NC to come into contact with a girl from Arizona to return to Texas for everyone to be diagnosed with it. Brad had it the worst and the children ranged from severe to mild with Garrison being the worst hit and Evye being the least affected by it. So, the last few days have been hard, to put it mildly. Sleep deprived, nursing sick children 24/7 and trying to overcome my own irrational emotions began to take its toll. In the midst of it all a letter from DFPS (in short - CPS) arrived and updated us on the status of our appeal. It was enough to send me spiraling back down into self pity and questioning everything about God. If He commands His people to take care of the widows and orphans then why is He turning down the ones that are willing to do it???? The outcry is so great and the need so vast for homes...for families....for these children yet we "feel called" to act on this and open up our home and He slams the door shut after holding them open through the vast majority of the process we endured to be eligible to adopt. So why does He tell His people to care for them if He turns you down when you're willing to???? And along those lines....why, if children are a blessing from the Lord, does He take them away from those that are so willing to bear them???? Why, when there are so many abortions and unwanted, neglected children in the system, does He give life to those but take the ones that are so longed for, so wanted and so desperately loved? My heart aches. Brad's beginning to grow exasperated with me and I know he grows weary of my sadness. He didn't feel the bond with this baby. He never does until he holds them, smells them, hears them cry, and is suddenly their daddy. And I know he didn't spend 14 wks of his life growing that life so it is hard to connect with something so removed. But my arms ache, my heart bleeds and I feel like our family is incomplete....there is a hole now that never existed before. In my rambling thoughts trying to make sense of all of life I wondered if maybe God took this sweet unborn baby in exchange for Aubrey's life. If it is this hard and this devastating giving up a child I have never even seen or held how much more unfathomably painful would it be to have one of the ones you have held and have loved for so long be taken from you? I cannot fathom the pain of losing one of the 8 children we do have. And maybe when Aubrey's life was meant to be taken and Satan wanted to take her own little life God saved her by allowing this baby to go in her place. I don't know. I know there are several incidents in the Bible where God made deals with Satan so I know He is no stranger to it. Whether it would ever work like this I'm not sure but it does bring some reality and much needed comfort to the situation.

So, on the adoption note here is the response to our appeal. I'm not sure what exactly I expected. I think I was perhaps looking through rose colored glasses assuming we would all go in and sit before a rather stark, conservative woman and explain our side of the story....and then she suddenly would see the light. That our children are well cared for, well behaved, entirely loved and being raised to be good, upstanding, productive citizens of the community. Never mind having a foundation based on the truths of Jesus Christ and walking out Biblical principles in order to make a difference in the Kingdom because I am quite certain this does not matter in the least to them. But I honestly did think they would see our family, hear us speak and God would soften and change their hearts. So, it came as a huge blow when this letter arrived in the mail earlier in the week.

And I should note that there are NO space requirements for adoptive homes as stated in the DFPS handbook that was updated in June of this year. It does apply to foster homes but those that are adopt only do not have to meet any space requirements whatsoever. We have proof of this fact. Apparently they do not even know their own rules and regulations.

"Dear Mr and Mrs 'potential adoptive parent':

In response to your request, I have completed a review of the actions taken regarding your application to be certified as a DFPS adoptive parent.

Documentation from your participation in PRIDE sessions as well as the home visit conducted by DFPS staff to your residence indicate that you would not meet Minimum Requirements to be certified to provide Foster or Adoptive Care. As explained to you by DFPS staff, your home does not currently meet space requirements for the placement of children. In addition, DFPS will not consider certification of your family in the future due to the following concerns:

Your stated position on corporal punishment creates the concern that you will not be able to abide by the Discipline Policy of DFPS.

Your participation in/statements made during PRIDE class raise grave concern as to your willingness to comply with agency policies and standards, your knowledge of or willingness to learn about the best way to meet the emotional needs of abused and neglected children, or to participate as a professional member of a team geared toward providing appropriate services.

This decision was explained to you during a home visit and also by letter dated 7/28/09. From my review of the case, I concur with each of the concerns stated.

DFPS will be closing your application status and will not consider certification of your home now nor in the future.

Sincerely,
Sherrel Mathews"

So it was that my world was rocked once more and all of life seemed like it was delivering crashing blows at every angle. Amidst the turmoil and grief of the rest of life this compounded it all and I cried for another 2 days. To sit back and accept this goes against my fiercely determined, set-the-world-straight way of thinking. I am one that never.......ever.....gives up. Fighting til the death is a way of life. My strong willed ways have been deeply embedded since childhood. So swallowing this did not come easy and I was ready to fight. Brad was so deeply put off by it and the fact they have concocted such false accusations that he has absolutely no desire at this point to mess with CPS any longer. Of course, my heart stays with the 30,000 children stuck in the system that are victims of the state's employees that have been given permission to assume they know what is best for these kids. It comes as no surprise that some of these people working for CPS are not even parents themselves.....yet they are given the authority to decide the future of a child and what is best for them?????

Brad's heart is not opposed to adoption by any means but he has stated that when we do adopt we will be going international at this point. He has always been the biggest advocate of adopting nationally with his statement being..."Why in the world would you go overseas to help children while ignoring the ones in your own backyard?" We now know why people go overseas. Of course, money is our biggest obstacle to overcome at this point with an overseas adoption. But when the time comes I have every faith that the Lord will provide every last penny needed to gather our children home....and that He will provide a pro large family adoption agency that does not have issues with the number of children we already have.

So it is that our adoption journey with CPS has met a dead end. And I grieved yet another "loss" in our lives. But today is a better day and we pick up and move on from what the summer has seemed to have dealt us. My outlook is better and my emotions a little more stable than what they have been over the last 3 months. There are too many Scripture verses in the Bible and God has done too many great things in our life to think that we have been abandoned or forsaken in any way. Despite my angry rants and hours of self pity I know and Brad knows more than anyone that we are being refined by fire so that we can reflect the image of our Creator to even greater depths. And when we come into contact with parents who have had to endure something as we have survived with Aubrey and when we cross the paths of those that have suffered miscarriage and the loss of a baby we do not walk away from them but have a deep understanding of what it is they have endured. We know what it is to not only survive but thrive despite the road we have walked. And when we do get through this and the grief does eventually fade I have no doubt that we will have a greater understanding of God.....our Creator, the very One who spoke us into motion.

And for the very many people that have asked...as I have not had the emotional forethought or remote desire to respond to much of anything....we did press charges concerning the case with Aubrey. A report was filed immediately following what happened, the state pressed charges and he was arraigned weeks later. They released him back into the custody of his parents and is currently awaiting a court date.

12 Days, 8 States and 3,498 Miles Behind Us

We were so entirely blessed on this trip as the Lord saw to the details and timing of it in every way. The plan was to meet up with some very dear friends and then continue up the coast to see the world. As it was we met them at their beach house and just stayed with them the entire rest of the week as life and the miscarriage of our baby unfolded. For the children to be around their best friends and for us to be in the company and have the support of our dearest friends at this very moment in time was nothing short of a miracle. At one point in the busyness of it all and the continual visitors that were in and out we had a total of 24 children and 6 adults. But for the most part life was fairly calm with their 9 and our 8 and the 3 children they have temporarily living with them.

Funny group pics along the way

I'm sure I will eventually get around to the many stories of our trip and the humorous situations that can never truly be avoided when touring the U.S. with 8 young children in tow. But, for now, here are some many pictures, in no specific order, to suffice. Actually, they're a little backwards from end to beginning since they uploaded in that order. So I guess if you start at the bottom and scroll up you'll kinda have them in some semblance of order. The camera battery died after Bodie Island so we didn't get any pictures of our trip home, going through the Appalachian and Smoky Mountains and getting to see the Biltmore Estate in Asheville. We plan on taking the full fledged tour of the Biltmore next year so hopefully we'll have plenty of those pics in next year's collage.





I've decided that I could happily live on the beach or in the mountains after seeing what all we have seen. Both definitely beat the cactus of west Texas desert. Though I will say the monstrous trees that line the highways and interstates of the east states leave very little to be seen as far as scenery goes. Once we broke free of the seemingly infinite tree prison we were all quite in awe of the rolling green pastures, red barns and white farm houses. Then the beach.....well, it just has a way of making you its own.



As I have collected lighthouses almost all of my life we planned our trip around seeing the NC lights. Thus the reason for the many lighthouse pictures and the children finally being able to see, touch and climb them instead of being in awe over the many statues that sit on the bookshelf of our home. I'm fairly certain what they have learned over the last 2 weeks would be an entire year's worth of history in public school. Nothing like hands on learning. Even 3 year old Garrett can name and point out on a map the 8 states we visited and identify all 4 lighthouses we saw. The older ones can give a running history of the lighthouses we toured and Fort Macon. Pretty cool.

Ivye in the hippo mouth doing her hippo face

We also visited the island branch of the North Carolina aquariums. Brad and the children were in love with the hands on fun of it. They were able to play with the stingrays, yes...the creepy things actually play with people, and let hermit crabs crawl in their hands. Gavin was the only one we managed to lose during our entire vacation. He was safely returned by an employee that fell head over heels in love with him. For the remainder of our time at the aquarium Gavin had his own personal body guard that followed us around doting on him and reigning him in when he ventured too far. It was a bit comical when we lost him since I had tuned into the fact I had 2 children when I wandered off to take a look at one of the different exhibits and then when finished looking left with 2 children......just not exactly the same 2 I had originally ventured over there with. Once I realized this small fact I hunted around for the missing one and discovered who was probably on their own at that point. I notified Brad and we began our search. Headed down a dark hallway illuminated only by large man eating fish and their watery world of dim glowing lights I vaguely made out the shape of a tiny 2 year old shouting "Mama" happily and as loud as humanly possible. Apparently he enjoyed his little personally guided tour of the aquarium and it didn't seem as though he occupied the thought of ever being even somewhat fearful. Swinging the old employee's hand cheerfully Gavin pointed me out laughingly and appeared to be having the time of his life. So it was that the old man was so taken with him and Gavin reminded him so much of his little boy so many years ago that he just followed behind us the rest of our tour throughout. And I must say that he came in kind of handy a couple of more times after the first event.



Seeing as how we lost Garrett last year I suppose it is only fitting to lose one again this year. At least we didn't have any large mountain cats peeing in our van this year. Last year's trip can be found here, though I should warn that it's about an hour's worth of reading. So, only the bored at heart should dare venture there.

Bodie (pronounced body) Island Lighthouse

Finally arriving at Cape Hatteras

The stairwell within.....268 steps in total. Brad, Grayson, Evye and Aubrey climbed it. I was in some pain and the little ones were too short to be permitted to climb it so I stayed down with the 5 of them.

Looking up. It is still awe inspiring in every way.

Looking up at Bodie Island light.

The top of Bodie

Aubrey hanging on for dear life as she descends Hatteras.

The view from Hatteras....the Atlantic Ocean on the left, the Pamlico Sound on the right where the island v's at the tip.

Seeing Hatteras for the 1st time

Arriving at Hatteras

Evye and Garrison wrapping up in the chilly ferry winds

Ocracoke Lighthouse...this was an entirely anti-climatic one since we spent a half hour trying to find it only to discover it's a little anti tourist so there was no where to park on their tiny 1 lane island streets. One would think finding something as massive as a lighthouse would be somewhat easy. Not really. It was still cool to see it.

Getting settled on the 2 hour ferry ride. Aubrey was freezing by this point so she stayed under cover for the 1st hour of it.

Looking down at the tip of our van hitching a ride with us.

Looking at the horizon from a boat for the very first time

Waiting for the ferry. Everyone's looking quite thrilled in this one.

Aubrey and Gavin loving Fort Macon.

Curious kids

We actually had people taking pictures of us taking pictures in this one. Everyone found this quite amuzing. It's one of my favorite trip pics though.

Inside the fort...one of the children's favorite outings of the entire trip. It was entirely child friendly and they ran and explored the entire grounds. From opening up secret doorways to running through hidden corridors. Even for an adult it was an experience. The only down side.....the 2 story drop offs that had no fencing or gates. I suppose that's when it pays to have well behaved children that obey quickly. We avoided anybody falling off the cliffs.

Entering the fort and being able to vaguely view the many cliffs that protect it from the outside world.

Freedom

The history of the fort. While taking this pic I was quickly informed that Garrett, who stood right beside me, had pants down around the ankles peeing in the sacred, perfectly manicured Fort Macon grass. All the while fellow tourists were passing us by with great disgust. Had I not been so mortified the looks of such great disdain for us on other's faces would've been priceless. The funniest part...once the flow started the valve couldn't be turned off so we had to all gather around him in a circle while he finished.

Running in the dunes next to one of the many Coast Guard Stations and their huge ship

Exploring the sandy dunes

Funny little Aubrey-girl

Garrett quite thrilled with the boat ride

Exploring Cape Lookout

Aboard the tiny little boat that took us to Cape Lookout. The captain of this boat was amazed by the children. He was in awe over the fact they were well behaved enough to

actually sit down and be trustworthy on such a small boat. I thought that was interesting. Apparently children these days cannot even sit still and be behaved enough to ride a boat???? That's pretty pathetic.

Despite the overcast skies it was a beautiful misty day. The children loved the high speeds of the boat.

Arriving at the dock of Cape Lookout

Collecting seashells on the beach of Cape Lookout

Running free

Looking up at the Lookout light

Discovering the world

Seeing their very fist lighthouse

Cape Lookout Lighthouse. I stand in awe of the beauty of these structures.

Coming up on the wild horses of Shackleford Island

Waiting for the little boat to take us to Cape Lookout

You've just gotta love group pics.

They don't stop getting into stuff just because you're on vacation. This would be thanks to the lipstick that Gavin was so generous in sharing with Ivye. Gavin saw fit to generously apply it to himself as well. In fact, Ivye was quite mild compared to Gavin.

The beautiful vastness of God

Aubrey expertly rising the waves

Just how small we are compared to the vastness of God

Building castles, watching fish in the tide pools and finding seashells. The joy of friends.

Taking a break from the water

Red headed, fair skinned Grant....a bit incompatible with the sun

Grant begging for a picture with the sharks

First day in the ocean...cloudy days filled with cold rain make for some huge waves definitely worth battling the elements to experience.

The first views of the ocean...crossing the bridge to our island. The children stood in awe.

Lined up on the hippo

Grayson and his chicken love

Our little twin roosters

Lined up on the wienie dog. We actually had people taking pictures of us taking pictures on this too. It always feels a little odd knowing strangers in the world have pictures of our children somewhere in their collection. Still pretty funny.

Up in the big sombrero looking out over the South/North Carolina border.

View from the big sombrero

Deciding if we wanted to climb it or take the elevator. I was up for the stairs but Brad resorted to the elevator since he didn't feel like waiting a lifetime for every kid to climb it. And yes....I have to admit it woul'dve been VERY slow going.....but quite a comical memory had we done it.

Who knew?

Ivye-girl and her hippo funny face

Eating breakfast somewhere in Georgia

Excited children hitting the road