More Dead Ends

Such an encouraging title, I know. But that's about the way my heart feels at this point. I try to refrain from posting on my bad days....but it seems as if they all are bad days right now. It seems as though I'll have 1 or 2 good days and then I plummet back into the depths of despair. I think I may need Prozac or something of the sort. I know it's normal to grieve and be sad over our loss but this is really to the point of being abnormal....or at least in my book. And maybe it's just that I'm grieving everything at once since I put most of it on the backburner for so long, pretty much just living in denial, I suppose, to continue functioning. But with all of the devastation being back to back every question I ever had....and then some.....surface and it brings with it a feeling of total abandonment.

I'm tired. I hate what this has done to me and I hate the control I have given it over my emotions. Lots of it still may be hormonal but I have never been one to blame anything on hormones. The majority of everything I've seen when "hormones" are at fault is really just an easy excuse for women to act like little turds. But I cannot help but think that they must be playing a part in my life to some extent because this is so irrationally abnormal and beyond much of my ability to control. I don't like being like this. In fact, I despise it. My days are filled with the grief and emptiness of losing our baby and my nights are filled with complete sleeplessness as I toss and turn fearing for the safety of our children. I try to remember what windows were left open and lay for hours pondering if they need to be shut, if all doors are locked and where the dogs are. Years worth of Scripture memorization play back through my head as I force myself to calm my fears with verses such as "God does not give us the spirit of fear but of power, of love and of a sound mind." But they bring little to no comfort. As I lay there waging war with my inner self I angrily wonder how I am supposed to trust a God to protect us now when He didn't protect us then. How can I trust that the violator will not come climbing through a window in the dark hours of the night because I have wholly put my trust in the Lord to protect us? Then those lead to the thought of the fact I knew something was wrong but didn't get up. So then it becomes up to me to act on it and protect my children. So if it is up to me then how can I sleep with windows open with any peace at all? How can I stop the insanity of obsessively checking every window and door no less than a thousand times before sleep prevails? Round and round my tumultuous thoughts go until sleep does finally prevail. Once I am claimed by sleep my mind is filled with absolute awfulness and nightmares that never seem to go away until I awake more exhausted then when I went to bed. So I cry out, scream really, at God for how abandoned I feel and how empty life seems right now. I am not by any means stupid enough to think that yelling at Him does any good at all but it makes me feel better. Gone are the days of absolute reverence of bowed head and closed eyes. If He is real and wanting a very real life relationship with His children then He is a God of very real emotion and is not above inclining His ear to the cry...the plea...of one of His own. I figure if David can ask where God went and He was one of the Lord's most beloved then surely I can ask. I know this probably goes against the grain of most traditional Christians and is certainly far from the way I was raised with our conservative Baptist upbringing and deep "don't question God" mentality. But I question. I question alot. After one of our own children being completely violated, doors being slammed shut concerning adoption and the loss of our tiny baby I am filled with questions of what it is He wants of us, what it is He desires to mold and shape us into....because really I'm just kind of mad. Visions of 3 yr old Garrett throwing his temper tantrums float threw my head and it seems a little reminiscent of me right about now. In my self pity I look at at least 5 other couples that continue to skate by in life with hardly a problem in the world....maybe a few bumps and bruises along the way but mild in comparison to the road we have walked. And I wonder why it is that we continue to be tested by fire over and again.

We came home from our vacation only to have everyone contract the swine flu. I thought it ironic that we live only 3 hrs from the Mexico border but had to go to NC to come into contact with a girl from Arizona to return to Texas for everyone to be diagnosed with it. Brad had it the worst and the children ranged from severe to mild with Garrison being the worst hit and Evye being the least affected by it. So, the last few days have been hard, to put it mildly. Sleep deprived, nursing sick children 24/7 and trying to overcome my own irrational emotions began to take its toll. In the midst of it all a letter from DFPS (in short - CPS) arrived and updated us on the status of our appeal. It was enough to send me spiraling back down into self pity and questioning everything about God. If He commands His people to take care of the widows and orphans then why is He turning down the ones that are willing to do it???? The outcry is so great and the need so vast for homes...for families....for these children yet we "feel called" to act on this and open up our home and He slams the door shut after holding them open through the vast majority of the process we endured to be eligible to adopt. So why does He tell His people to care for them if He turns you down when you're willing to???? And along those lines....why, if children are a blessing from the Lord, does He take them away from those that are so willing to bear them???? Why, when there are so many abortions and unwanted, neglected children in the system, does He give life to those but take the ones that are so longed for, so wanted and so desperately loved? My heart aches. Brad's beginning to grow exasperated with me and I know he grows weary of my sadness. He didn't feel the bond with this baby. He never does until he holds them, smells them, hears them cry, and is suddenly their daddy. And I know he didn't spend 14 wks of his life growing that life so it is hard to connect with something so removed. But my arms ache, my heart bleeds and I feel like our family is incomplete....there is a hole now that never existed before. In my rambling thoughts trying to make sense of all of life I wondered if maybe God took this sweet unborn baby in exchange for Aubrey's life. If it is this hard and this devastating giving up a child I have never even seen or held how much more unfathomably painful would it be to have one of the ones you have held and have loved for so long be taken from you? I cannot fathom the pain of losing one of the 8 children we do have. And maybe when Aubrey's life was meant to be taken and Satan wanted to take her own little life God saved her by allowing this baby to go in her place. I don't know. I know there are several incidents in the Bible where God made deals with Satan so I know He is no stranger to it. Whether it would ever work like this I'm not sure but it does bring some reality and much needed comfort to the situation.

So, on the adoption note here is the response to our appeal. I'm not sure what exactly I expected. I think I was perhaps looking through rose colored glasses assuming we would all go in and sit before a rather stark, conservative woman and explain our side of the story....and then she suddenly would see the light. That our children are well cared for, well behaved, entirely loved and being raised to be good, upstanding, productive citizens of the community. Never mind having a foundation based on the truths of Jesus Christ and walking out Biblical principles in order to make a difference in the Kingdom because I am quite certain this does not matter in the least to them. But I honestly did think they would see our family, hear us speak and God would soften and change their hearts. So, it came as a huge blow when this letter arrived in the mail earlier in the week.

And I should note that there are NO space requirements for adoptive homes as stated in the DFPS handbook that was updated in June of this year. It does apply to foster homes but those that are adopt only do not have to meet any space requirements whatsoever. We have proof of this fact. Apparently they do not even know their own rules and regulations.

"Dear Mr and Mrs 'potential adoptive parent':

In response to your request, I have completed a review of the actions taken regarding your application to be certified as a DFPS adoptive parent.

Documentation from your participation in PRIDE sessions as well as the home visit conducted by DFPS staff to your residence indicate that you would not meet Minimum Requirements to be certified to provide Foster or Adoptive Care. As explained to you by DFPS staff, your home does not currently meet space requirements for the placement of children. In addition, DFPS will not consider certification of your family in the future due to the following concerns:

Your stated position on corporal punishment creates the concern that you will not be able to abide by the Discipline Policy of DFPS.

Your participation in/statements made during PRIDE class raise grave concern as to your willingness to comply with agency policies and standards, your knowledge of or willingness to learn about the best way to meet the emotional needs of abused and neglected children, or to participate as a professional member of a team geared toward providing appropriate services.

This decision was explained to you during a home visit and also by letter dated 7/28/09. From my review of the case, I concur with each of the concerns stated.

DFPS will be closing your application status and will not consider certification of your home now nor in the future.

Sincerely,
Sherrel Mathews"

So it was that my world was rocked once more and all of life seemed like it was delivering crashing blows at every angle. Amidst the turmoil and grief of the rest of life this compounded it all and I cried for another 2 days. To sit back and accept this goes against my fiercely determined, set-the-world-straight way of thinking. I am one that never.......ever.....gives up. Fighting til the death is a way of life. My strong willed ways have been deeply embedded since childhood. So swallowing this did not come easy and I was ready to fight. Brad was so deeply put off by it and the fact they have concocted such false accusations that he has absolutely no desire at this point to mess with CPS any longer. Of course, my heart stays with the 30,000 children stuck in the system that are victims of the state's employees that have been given permission to assume they know what is best for these kids. It comes as no surprise that some of these people working for CPS are not even parents themselves.....yet they are given the authority to decide the future of a child and what is best for them?????

Brad's heart is not opposed to adoption by any means but he has stated that when we do adopt we will be going international at this point. He has always been the biggest advocate of adopting nationally with his statement being..."Why in the world would you go overseas to help children while ignoring the ones in your own backyard?" We now know why people go overseas. Of course, money is our biggest obstacle to overcome at this point with an overseas adoption. But when the time comes I have every faith that the Lord will provide every last penny needed to gather our children home....and that He will provide a pro large family adoption agency that does not have issues with the number of children we already have.

So it is that our adoption journey with CPS has met a dead end. And I grieved yet another "loss" in our lives. But today is a better day and we pick up and move on from what the summer has seemed to have dealt us. My outlook is better and my emotions a little more stable than what they have been over the last 3 months. There are too many Scripture verses in the Bible and God has done too many great things in our life to think that we have been abandoned or forsaken in any way. Despite my angry rants and hours of self pity I know and Brad knows more than anyone that we are being refined by fire so that we can reflect the image of our Creator to even greater depths. And when we come into contact with parents who have had to endure something as we have survived with Aubrey and when we cross the paths of those that have suffered miscarriage and the loss of a baby we do not walk away from them but have a deep understanding of what it is they have endured. We know what it is to not only survive but thrive despite the road we have walked. And when we do get through this and the grief does eventually fade I have no doubt that we will have a greater understanding of God.....our Creator, the very One who spoke us into motion.

And for the very many people that have asked...as I have not had the emotional forethought or remote desire to respond to much of anything....we did press charges concerning the case with Aubrey. A report was filed immediately following what happened, the state pressed charges and he was arraigned weeks later. They released him back into the custody of his parents and is currently awaiting a court date.