Correction: Job's wife did not die. All this time I was under the impression he lost wife and all children. But, as the study deepens I recently read that his wife lived and they went on to have more children and be blessed. The book of Job is the oldest in the Bible and it's just more than a little bit hard to understand. So, I have resorted to biographies and study guides as I work my way through people of the Bible...Job and Paul being the people of most interest at this point.
A mere 2 days after my Christ-centered epiphany concerning landlord's ongoing intrusion kids began to fall ill....and in no small numbers. We have been fighting off sicknesses for some time now but not in the sheer numbers that were to come. And so it was that they began to fall like flies with ear infections, upper respiratory, sinus infections...and then came pink eye...the worst cases taking root in the younger ones.
Then a few had diarrhea....and then they all began to puke....on top of the ear infections, sinus infections, incessant, all night long croupy, wet, coughing, and infected, painful, light sensitive, gooopy, crusted over eyes. And my resolve was tested. I get up to clean mouse crap every morning, plunge cranky toilets, dread dogs' barking for fear of landlord, ride around in hot van all day...and now.....we endure this. I sleep on average 1-2 hours a night so I just decided I was done. Thinking it is far beyond 15 different viruses all at one time I set out on a mission to discover the root of so many so sick. Internet research resulted in symptoms of the Hanta virus....a virus contracted by mouse feces. I learned I had cleaned it up all wrong and did exactly everything one is NOT supposed to do. Swept it up dry, vacuumed it daily...sent it airborne in a myriad of different ways. Symptoms: headaches...check, low immunity to anything contagious....pink eye - check, upper respiratory problems...check, gastrointestinal problems such as vomiting and diarrhea...check, and on and on. Research on the virus stated young children and geriatrics were at the most risk of suffering death and gave 3 cases of infant death, most ranging in the 4 month range....and sweet Gates just happened to turn 4 months old a mere 2 days previously. With very little tolerance for stomach related issues in mass numbers....or any numbers at all....and more than a little irrational as I feared for Ivye's and Gates' life, as they were by far the worst...I calmly devised a plan. I was quite certain that given as much as we have been through here that God was now taking one of our children. And I was done trusting Him. I did that once.....and it didn't work out so well. I saw the warning signs He had given...twice I did not heed them....and we suffered life altering consequences. I trusted Him to protect.....but I have learned it was up to me to act on what knowledge I had. He had protected by giving warning signs but I disregarded. And now.....now here we are in the exact same boat. Here are the warning signs....and there is no way in hell I will not heed them...sitting by allowing a baby to be sacrificed along the way as part of our "growing" experience on this journey of whatever He is trying to get through and teach this thick head of mine.
So that day I decided I am done with character building experiences, working my ass off for something I can obviously never be taught...as we keep repeating this viciously intense torture cycle every 2-4 years, and I am not staying in the state one moment longer as the fevered pitch of hell continues to heighten and He is now requiring us to suffer the loss of a baby in the name of anguish for Him so that we might be a testimony for Him. We have endured two years of commuting separation in our married life, the loss of our baby in the 2nd trimester, the rape and beating of our little girl, the last 10 months we have survived here....and I'll be damned if we sit here in this house as victims, totally unable to go anywhere while He takes our baby boy or tiny little 3 year old fireball of a girl.
I began delegating, assigning and with renewed fervor I had a plan. The well enough ones were given van duty and to get it road ready. Ones too sick to stray from toilets and trash cans were given the job of packing themselves up along with one younger one....2 pair of underwear, once change of clothes, sleeping bags, pillows. Gather shoes and load. Anything we were missing could be dealt with upon arrival at our destination that lied 1700 miles west. Little house out on the prairie with its red front door, black shutters, white trim, sprawling pastures, huge wooden swing set, trampoline, warm glow of lamps in windows awaited in the Texas sun and heat and cactus. Home. With children carrying out duties like a well oiled machine I set out for Walmart to gather needed travel items, returned to house to give the load up call and then called working husband with news that children and I were homeward bound and would return whenever he found a new rent house or God decided to show up and actually move on our behalf in some area. Maybe someday when He saw fit to remember the fact He dropped us off in hell and we might need some assistance at some point. I felt as though He has brought us here with a "check in every 12 months" policy so that He knows we're still alive...that is, if He even cares...which, at this point, it's not looking too promising.
Husband knows me well enough to know that when words come there is also great follow through and children and I were indeed on our way westward. So it is that I held phone in hand and husband listened as I cried out my woes, my fears, my absolute outrage with God Himself, told adoring husband I was not mad at him and it was not his fault. I screamed and yelled at God a little bit for bringing us to the point in marriage yet again where separation is forced, and told shift husband we'd be reunited as soon as possible....to look at it like a 2 month vacation....give or take a little. He tried to reason with me, tried to talk some sense into my irrational, sleep deprived brain, tried to convince me that our children are not anywhere near death but in my resolve I stated that my mind was made up, we were packed up and kids were ready to be loaded. With promises made not to leave before he arrived home, he promptly left work.
Thus we were lead into many hours of debating the ways of God, what we do know, what we don't know...and the fact that I no longer really even care. It is not an apathetic state born out of boredom or traditional apathy among most Christians....but one that has come out of total frustration with continuing this cycle of our life and never learning what I am supposed to be learning....therefore repeating yet again the lesson. It's as if a test is being administered over and again with no more enlightenment given as to the answers I'm supposed to have...and it is absolutely maddening. And if this is just all in the name of suffering for His sake and all of life is just going to repeat this pattern....that's just a little bit depressing and entirely unmotivational. If this is Spiritual warfare due to the mountains He is moving within our lives or others through us....then please....by all means...sign us up for some more of this crap.
Many, many, many hours spent searching for answers, searching the ways of God and my lack of desire or fortitude to push on any farther. I give up and I quit has been screamed, yelled and stated through furious tears no less than 100 times over the last week of my life. I am taking my children, who I actually do enjoy, and have no desire to continue on with the God I do not enjoy. If this is punishment it would greatly aid my cause to know what I did so I can ask forgiveness. If this is love then I would appreciate being enlightened to this tactic. If this is character then I would love to know what I need to grasp and I will gladly make a concerted effort to focus my energy on the missing trait needing to be possessed....or better yet...how about being done with character and no longer even desiring to be a better person?
All these great people of faith.....they saw God move. George Mueller, CT Studd, Loren Cunningham...the list could go on and on and on. But what happens when you're just a Job....someone that God allows to be tested and tried and you have no knowledge of what is taking place within the spirit realm. Job had no idea what God was proving to satan during that time. He was just suffering at the hands of calamity to all and God had forsaken him. But even Job's trials, if you study and dig deeply into his life, was only tried for 9 months, and then his life went on. He was blessed, he married again, he had more children. God's point was proven. But what is the point of repeating this cycle we are in over and over and over again??? The disciples....they saw Jesus, they had Him to follow as they gave up money, friends, family, possessions, homes. They laid eyes on Him and He spoke to them. But this now....where we are? We pray and we pray and we ask for wisdom and growth and a deeper understanding and knowledge of who He is....and it's like talking to a brick wall. We cry out for more of Him, seek His face, live in faith, are willing to take great leaps of obedience....and He is silent, as things continue to move progressively downward.
I don't exactly know if you can give God an ultimatum.....but I did. In trying to talk some rationale back into this head and heart of mine I told soul searching husband that I will give it until Aug 15th. This is not even anywhere near being a separation due to marital issues but one of growing weariness with God and trying to pursue any kind of relationship with Him. Chasing after something I can never catch, I will never understand, and I will never find. If things do not improve or if any one thing grows worse we are going home...away from the mice induced sicknesses, violating landlord and I am taking the van home where room exists to work on it, people offer to fix it, and tools exist to take it apart.
But, as children recover, coughs subside, eyes begin to open a little more to sunlight, earaches are quieted, trash cans no longer need to be emptied every 5 minutes, butts no longer need to be wiped every 3 minutes, and kids are not continually in line for bathtubs and showers, I wonder if this is all perhaps just a lesson of sheer endurance. "Perseverance is not a long race, it is many short races one after another." And we have certainly run many short races in the last 10 months of our life. In overcoming each individual one, we have conquered as we have lived. As sleep returns I realize that yet one more short race has been run. This is undoubtedly a marathon and I have now set 1 mile goals....26.2 of them to be exact. I'm fairly certain we've already knocked out about 15 of them. One's endurance level cannot be raised unless one is stretched and pushed to even greater distances. "Endurance is not just the ability to bear a hard thing, but to turn it into glory." I have undoubtedly failed at turning it into glory at this point but it is not beyond the realm of God to glorify Himself out of all of this...despite my absolute total frustration and weariness with it all. There are times that I begin to wonder if I am just being entirely melodramatic, making this so much more difficult than it really is, and enduring....rather ungracefully....common, routine obstacles most overcome on a daily basis. But then I receive an email to encourage, a private message, a text, a phone call that says most could never in a lifetime do what we are are doing, survive it all, or that the amount of crap we have dealt with and are walking through yet again is absolutely unbelievable to most.....and then I know that this is not normal. This is not me being a wimp....gripey, whiny, unwilling to do something difficult. This is just crap saturation point.
With a little bit of a bad attitude...or maybe a lot of one....I began to study endurance...what it is, why it is needed and the definition of it all. What is the difference between endurance and perseverance? And perhaps this whole thing is to do nothing but establish endurance, to grow what was begun with our two year separation as he commuted, our 13 week miscarriage. I have no clue why I need so much of it or why God is seeing fit to make it His primary focus in my life....maybe just cause I lack it that greatly....maybe cause we will need it for whatever He has planned for the rest of our lives. If that's the case I fear I may just fail that portion of it all, thus the dire need for such life lessons now. But honestly...I'm not sure I'll ever pass this portion of the test with flying colors. I may just forever skate by with an acceptable, low C. From what I have learned there's not exactly a lot of difference between endurance and perseverance. Both mean to continue on despite challenges and great difficulties. Both embrace the unwillingness to give up or quit.
But as I grow and I ponder and I try to embrace the ways of a God I will never understand I realize that in simply enduring and continuing forward it is enough. Not to give up in and of itself is one of the greatest acts of heroism. "Heroism is enduring for one moment more."
So I rise and I endure for one moment more. The greater depths experienced because of this will be worth it all....I hope. Our children are not in danger. They are not near death. They are ok. They are well and healthy and immeasurably happy and fulfilled. They do not have the Hanta virus. They are all on the mend. They bring utter joy to my heart and they are ok...each and every one of them.
I refuse to give up and go home. I will stick it out, remain by my husband's side despite my weariness, and wait for God to work. Because it is undeniable that every single time we have endured to such great lengths the reward in the end has been so well worth it and we are blessed above and beyond what most people will ever know.....if we endure.
And just maybe the sheer act of enduring is, in and of itself, worship right now....and the greatest form of faith that can be shown. Because it is all I have that remains.
To continue in the same state without perishing; to last, to remain
To remain firm; to sustain; to undergo; to support without breaking or yielding;
To endure wind and weather; to bear up under adversity; to hold out
To harden; to toughen; to make hardy
Endurance: permanence, duration; the ability to withstand hardship or adversity, especially; the ability to sustain a prolonged stressful effort or activity; the act or instance of enduring or suffering.
Perseverance:
continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition; the action of persevering; steadfastness
It is perseverance that distinguishes the weak from the strong.
Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other.
Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did.
Everything that I've ever been able to accomplish in life has come out of adversity and perseverance.
I learned patience, perseverance, and dedication. Now I really know myself, and I know my voice. It's a voice of pain and victory.
For to be poised against fatality, to meet adverse conditions gracefully, is more than simple endurance; it is an act of aggression, a positive triumph.
Every calamity is to be overcome by endurance.
Endurance is the crowning quality, And patience all the passion of great hearts.
Endurance
is one of the most
difficult disciplines,
but it is to the one who
endures
that the final
victory comes.
