Unplugged

My mind churns like a washing machine. Where to even begin to start. Much freedom to write details about our life has been lost over time. Judgers, condemners,  and those with such contempt that they really will go as far as to call in authorities on our situation. I do not stand in fear of authorities due to the fact I know they will find nothing and dismiss it as bogus calls from those who have never met us. For that reason, I continued forward in leaving the blog open. Many innocent readers have been cut off in the switch from public to private. Who knows....maybe someday I'll write a book...think there is no doubt by anyone that I use enough words to write no less than a trilogy. And maybe all those cut off in this deal will read to find out just how the story all ends. But, once searching husband and I both realized how heavy the attacks have become there has come a need for removal and just a time to be still. Words....they hold so much weight. Neither of us underestimate the ability for words, spoken by those with ill intent or even merely the reality show onlookers, to gain ground on us, become a foothold for satan to work, and/or lay claim to that which is not his. And right now we are feeling very exposed. I was initially opposed to blog privacy and the stepping back from Facebook, as this is also an avenue of great encouragement at times, but there is also a mental clutter that can accompany it as well. Sometimes....even jealousy for how some people seem to just skate by in life.

I look at us....the pattern we seemed to have established...and I wonder why. I don't want to be that needy person...always a victim. We have yet to be in a place of normalcy in this state. Was it wrong to come? There is not one ounce of doubt in me that we acted in obedience to come. Like....seriously....not even one.  And despite temptations to go home there is nothing to be gained by returning....except maybe the return to a reputation of self sufficiency....if he could even get a job. But is that really what we're after? If we're committed to living totally abandoned to Him wouldn't that mean total dependency on Him as well? And at this point we truly are in a place of total dependency on Him. No one can help us. People feel sorry for us...but no one can really fix it due to the nature of just how it is. It's a little disturbing to feel as though our reputation is always of being in turmoil. But, as of now, it just is what it is. It seems as though we'll hit hurricane status and then the calm after a storm comes. And at this point, neither of us have a peace about returning home. For as much as we've endured and continue to endure in this state we have been just as surrounded by absolutely amazing people that we have come to love in every regard. Friendships that turn to family, people that love our children as much as we do, people that pull together to help when the going gets seriously tough. A window a/c unit to use until summer heat dissipates, box fans, those making calls helping us search for other rental homes, those far across the ocean researching rodent infestation treatments, neighbors that for no reason at all have thrown wide open the gates of their private pool for our family at any time, even those that have opened up their homes to us until house temps come back down. We have been supernaturally covered and favor has been given, despite this uphill climb. I didn't use to cry...rarely ever, actually. But this overwhelming favor and grace of God, the beginning of this understanding and the depth and breadth and width of His presence, His being, His grace....it's a life altering walk...and tears come. Night falls, darkness pervades, walls inhale, exhale with the breath of these 12 people in my life and I ponder all this thing called life. So many tears....gratitude, grace, mercy, unconditional love, freedom, forgiveness, fulfillment, joy, provision, all consuming peace...each word goes a thousand miles deep and a thousand miles wide. Each word carries the story of our life. And I wonder....why me. Maybe because the radical life is the one of freedom. Maybe because in living radically the body may suffer but in the affliction understanding of death of self is born. It's not about us.

So what happens when you decide to take the leap...sell out, leave family, leave your little drought ridden paradise to walk on the wild side? Wasn't it supposed to get better....cause, after all, you get blessed when you obey...right? At this point I can recite the plagues of NC by name....7 of them to be exact. But is it a plague running us out...back to home....attacks due to having completely shaken heaven and earth by our growth and the warriors we are becoming.....or consequences for just some seriously bad decisions on our part. I recently reread the book Radical....a book absolutely every one should read....Christian, non Christian and everyone in between. I started it in late '09 but was so mad at God at that point I only made it about 1/4 way through before laying it aside. But upon reading it once again...everything within me resonated with each word. And upon starting and finishing it within 4 days I realized it was like someone having written a book about us, never having known us or  met us or heard our story. And it was as though our little family has walked this book out without ever having read it. It was undoubtedly encouraging...but sobering in every regard too. Which brings us to this place in life. Are we missionaries in North Carolina? Umm....no. But I do think we are walking out the learning process of what it is to draw near to the heart of God and live a life very few other people will ever be willing to live. That's becoming a little obvious at this point. I am not even close to joking when I say this journey is not for the faint of heart. But the views of Him are pretty spectacular.

 Views of mice and ticks and landlord's butt cracks. Which brings us to the more humorous side of life.

I'd completely lost all ability to blog about certain aspects of these tribulations due to the awesome "concerned readers" or the nature of exposing people publicly. And now? Now it is time to tell the whole story. It'll take a few posts to get caught up but someday in life....far in the future...we'll love these stories and we'll laugh even harder than we are laughing now. So as time permits I will now write of ticks, choke holds, broken a/c's, psychotic kids, lazy landlords, mice, stitches and more.

I write here unplugged, uncensored, uncut and off record for the first time in a very long while and the excitement of writing returns. We rest from Facebook, public scrutiny, public blogging, and only this remains. Facebook accounts will be left open in order to view and supervise the interaction of our children with others but, for now, all posting and keeping up has been suspended. May brain clutter subside, mental clarity enhanced, listening skills refined, time management fine tuned, freedom return, and the desire to blog it all revived!