Winds constant and moving. Rustling grass all around. Tall Texas prairie grass bends gracefully, bowing to its Creator. South wind caresses skin like velvet. My furiously beating heart wild with anger and indignation is momentarily stilled. Blinking stars begin to emerge in the oncoming darkness despite the soft peach hue still left hanging on the western horizon. The world is still, at peace with all that transpires within it. Quiet. Rare quiet that seems to envelope my being. My inner soul rages with fury and for a time I am oblivious to the quiet. I cannot hear it for the yelling of my own heart. How unjust and unfair is all of life. I grow weary in my rants and eventually my standing stomping soul takes a seat. Flag flaps in the south wind hitting tin roof above my head. I can hear it. I can hear the kittens beneath my feet begging for their dinner. Suddenly I realize how loud the voice within can be. The emotions that can overwrite everything blessed around me....that steal my focus from the good, the blessed, the joy of my everyday life that surrounds me. Why is it so hard to listen to the quiet? Why when we prayed so long for a definitive answer does my soul rage and refuse to be stilled in this blessed quiet of a breezy summer night...wind driving away the heat of all that existed during the July summer day?
I curl up next to warm husband. I feel him sigh....heavy with emotions too. Some amount of comfort and solace come but my noisy spirit steals any peace that might've been allowed. It will be a long night. Eventually my ears are taken with the sound of his rhythmic breathing and I know sleep for him comes easily despite the turmoil that fills our hearts. The night wears on into a seeming infinity...the darkness, the quiet, never ending. And still my tumultuous thoughts run wildly without any signs of growing weary in the marathon they seem to be running. Dim red numbers glow 1:38 am. A baby wakes...cries somewhere in the distance. I methodically rise and help him back to bed in his sleep induced state. Crawl back into mine only to listen once more to the inner anger that refuses to be calmed. 4:57 am stares at me in its red merciless state. And still I toss and turn trying hard not to wake sleeping husband.
Why must it be this way for the followers of Christ? Why must the road always be so hard? My pity party steams full speed ahead. After glowing reports from all parties involved in our home visit we were given the stamp of approval with smiles, handshakes and promises of hearing from the social worker for our home study....the last step of this process. The adoption worker and her co worker were taken with the immaculate condition of our home and the number of people within. They seemed happily surprised by the manners, joyful disposition, funny antics and good behaviour of our children as they sat there and allowed us all to talk. When the house tour began each child was eager to show off their own bed and space and reveal all our family has to share. Once the adoption worker saw our play room it seemed to have sealed the deal as she stated that it would definitely count and that with this we could qualify for as many children as we are willing to take. Good natured laughs went around and talk of homeschooling and the waiver she would seek for us began. She seemed quite confident that it was more than possible and in the best interest of the adoptive children due to the one on one time they would receive and the fact that most are dreadfully behind in school..even stating that homeschoolers are known for their excellent work and being able to bring the children up to where they need to be. Discussion turned to turning in paperwork for them every 4 weeks for the 6 month placement period before the adoption is final. It all seemed like such a done deal to us.
Morning comes all too soon. Baby girl wakes early. I rise, fully awake after hours of nothingness. There is no resolve that comes. No comfort. The day goes by and my fury turns to numbness. Every minute of every hour my mind replays the events of the day before. A call from our adoption worker. Can they come out for a visit? Certainly. We rallied all hands in the house and did a massive quick clean. We are used to quick cleans but it was still rewarding to know the house is never so far gone that it cannot be immaculate in only 30 short minutes...bathrooms cleaned, dishes done and all. Everyone was put to work excitedly for the upcoming visit and by the time the doorbell rang candles were lit, house was perfect, children clothed in their nicer clothes...except for the naked Gavin that went running wildly to the door in his bare naked state. Lovely. I hurriedly scoop him up with some good natured laughs from everyone and dressed him. Words floated from hallway to bedroom as I overheard Brad and the workers talking in low voices. Then Brad saying in a very uncharacteristic manner and strained voice, "Excuse me? I didn't understand what you just said." I reappeared from the room and the children were sent outside to play as we all made our way to the living area.
Words I heard clearly...jumbled together in a whirlwind of emotion came pouring forth. House is not big enough. The same house you said less than 2 weeks ago was perfect and would qualify us for as many as we are willing to take???? Children too young. The same children you said less than 2 weeks ago would make amazing siblings and a group could definitely be found to fit our family situation? Commitment to the discipline policy was not convincing enough. The same policy we have discussed over and again and how we have modified our life to accommodate it and given examples of how we use creative discipline? The same policy we have now signed twice and and stated that we would not have signed had we not felt like we are committed to adhering to? They did not feel we could give one on one time to the children we have. The same children that you raved are so well behaved. And the future children you would give us that you said would do nothing but benefit from the one on one time of homeschooling them and how much good it does? Words continued to come. I sat quietly trying to absorb what it all meant. Somewhere in there it was said we need to add on. But questions rose and I clarified that if we add on we would then qualify. She shook her head no. I asked for qualifying for a smaller group. Again...heads wagging negatively. My mind reeled....spinning in all directions trying to fathom the meaning of it all. By the end of it all they left saying all adoption proceedings had been stopped and as long as we have this many children we will never qualify...not even for one.
We were kind. What else was there to be? Brad saw them to the door. I sat. What happened? What went wrong? Children are better off living in the foster care system than being within our family???? Children would not be attended to in our family? Tears came. And for hours they continued. How is it possible to so mourn the children you never had?
The day wore on. Depression settled in. Not only did it seem as though we had hit a dead end, we had been broken down and torn apart in our parenting abilities. Apparently they surmised that our family is unfit for the children we do have...not to mention placing more with us. Every aspect of our parenting had come under fire.
What was the point of all of this??? Why God??? Why have us walk down this road only to turn us down when we were one step away from the end??? We asked....begged of Him to shut the door if we were missing it and walking down the wrong road but doors continued all along the way to be opened wide. So why....so close to the end does this blow come???? These were all issues we had addressed...asked about.....before we ever started this process. We were given green lights and positive answers by everyone we spoke with. We asked in the very beginning before proceeding with anything to avoid the heartache that would surely come later on down the road.
One sleepless night turned to 3 as I lay for hours next to a sleeping husband pondering what this all means. The heartache of our older children as they realize this longing of their hearts will never come to pass. Night after night I revisit it all. Feeble words conjure up in my mind as I set out to right the world. Restless shallow sleep comes and goes as I dream. Restless dreams that make no sense. My heart bleeds. There is no peace in this end. Only heartache and humiliation. Over and over my mind asks what went wrong and where...when.
Eventually we figure out that the ruling came from much higher up. It was not our adoption worker that did this. Once we were submitted for approval to supervisors to obtain clearance for a home study the supervisors whom we have never met or even seen our family gave a fanatical and definite "no" to our family. How can they do that??? What is the point of having adoption workers if they rule out all of the work they have put in??? Of the class we were the only family turned down. I know....Brad knows....we were discriminated against. America's mentality of what is acceptable for a family. People make statements of not being able to handle their own 2 or 3 children so they therefore cannot possibly fathom anyone that can.....or is willing....to raise 15. They feel spread thin so therefore no one couple can adequately raise 5 times that amount and still maintain their sanity. This whole time we have been in compliance with every requirement they have and every state law. We violated nothing. We are still waiting to see where it states certain requirements concerning space....as of yet we have not found anything that disqualifies us....only their opinion about our family. They have nothing to disqualify us except their dislike and disapproval of us...these people we have never even met.
Early morning hours...my throat is on fire, my head throbs and my ears ring in pain. A now 4 day headache that shows no sign of dissipating as the dr's diagnosis reverberates through my self pity, "sinus infection, bronchitis not far from pneumonia". I cough and roll the opposite direction for the 200th time that night. Why? Why when I feel so bad does this blow come?
But somewhere between moonless night and sun's rising my perspective changes. Not dramatically but once again I remind myself that it's all a choice. Dire medical predictions of being hospitalized 6 months out of the year by the time I am 27 jolt through my memories. But here I am at the age of 33 laying in my own bed with only a case of bronchitis once a year or so. My dark eyed baby lays curled in her crib probably sucking her thumb at this very moment, tucked warmly against her big brown floppy eared puppy. A room full of good looking, handsome tired little boys sleeps peacefully after a day spent hard at swimming. Pretty girls, eyelashes lying softly against sun kissed cheeks sleep comfortably in their beds. Life is good. I mourn the loss of what never was but I am still pregnant. I have effortlessly conceived 9 beautiful children. I have only ever suffered one miscarriage 8 entire years ago. Our children are healthy and have an amazing life. They have a house that accommodates us all, trampolines they seemingly live on, a swingset that I thought we would never in a lifetime have...but more than anything else in the world...they have each other and they have us as their parents. We are good. We are blessed. We have been called to raise them and they are blessed.
Morning noise, chaos and activity begin. There is no real comfort but there is somewhat of a peace in all of this. I will settle and gather the pieces of it all back up and we may pursue it again...after the hurt and anger subside a little. Recollect our thoughts and then go after the real reason we were turned down at the very last stage of the game. Do we take on the world? Do we dare take on the massive tasks of going head to head with the government and it's "policies"....it's ideal of what a family should be? I have to collect my thoughts. I must gather the needed information to know that there is indeed not enough space to qualify us. I must make sure we are in accordance to what rules they really do have. Right now I don't even know what's true and what's not. What are the lies? What is the truth? So, I organize it. I write an email asking for more information. And I wait. Thoughts pouring like torrential rain through my head all throughout the day. Do we even want to take on something so much bigger than we are? Or do we accept this as the answer we have continually prayed for? The answer that said this is indeed still the right idea but still the wrong time? I don't know. I honestly don't know. I'm not asking for opinions. I don't want opinions. I just want to know what it is God has planned for us and what we are supposed to be doing in Him.
Maybe He just wanted to see how far we are willing to go to serve Him. Maybe He wanted to see if we would put our all into what He has called us to do. Were we willing to open our home up to the scrutiny of CPS, were we willing to sit and talk with them on our couch while children played? Were we willing to spend money on babysitters, more beds, required items to have our house meet home and fire inspection requirements....home study requirements? How willing were we? For who knows what lies ahead in the future to what He is preparing us to do. But maybe He needs to test the strength of our hearts and the determination and depth before we are called upon to act. Maybe He just needed to know who we are as His servants. He can only use those who are willing to sacrifice it all....those who die in order to have Life. So it is that I lay it all down. I lay my life down. I will die for You. I will die to my own desires...my own plan for my life....the very essence of myself in order to gain what He has planned to do with me. I will give up the idea of more children...of adoptive children. But I will also fight if He leads us to fight. We will go to war with the government if it means saving children and raising them up to honor and glorify Him.
So we wait. Wait to know what to do. Wait to regain our composure and come up with a plan...if we are to even have a plan. Do we pursue it and pull out all of the stakes or do we lay it down? I don't know. I have no answers. But I lay it at the feet of Jesus and know that in His time He will guide us in the direction we need to take.
Beating pounding heart seems to slow for a brief moment in time. The words form somewhere within "By still on my soul. Be still and know that I am God." It seems elementary....too elementary to do any good at all....but it brings a comfort and peace. Other verses take vague shape in my head and seem to loom in the shadows but my heart continually turns back to this "verse"...not even so much of a verse as it is a jumbled mix of hymns and verses.
It is well with my soul.
When peace like a river attendeth my soul,
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul.
Though satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
I have no choice but to praise Him and live in utter gratefulness for the very essence of my life. And I will follow Him in whatever direction He tells us to go.
It is indeed well with my soul.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Yet Another Growing Boy in Underwear!
Alright...since I recently cannot seem to move any pictures around when I post having all of them lumped up together at the top will have to suffice.
Hapy 2nd Birthday Sweet Gavin
Best buddies...and yes, that would be a red shirt with gray and white camo shorts Garrett has going on. He dressed himself...what else is there to say.
Still highly impressed with the novelty of his underwear
Always willing to show it off. And no, Gavin does not have eye shadow on his right eye. We can chalk that one up to him playing slip and slide in the bathtub with a ton of rowdy brothers. Despite the war wounds he wouldn't let the tub win and kept right on going.
No matter how many times we cross this milestone it never ever falls short of thrilling me from head to toe. It is a feeling unrivaled by most to see your children take take those first few steps into their independence. This milestone came much much sooner for sweet Gavin than I thought it would. He is our one that took 10 months to crawl, 17 entire months to walk and has seemed to not be in a huge hurry to do anything at all. He is pretty content just to sit and watch the world go by...up until the day he figured out how much fun it was to take part in it. Once he learned how to run he took off and never really quit. I suppose it helps tremendously having 6 other siblings go before you in your potty training endeavors...watching them pee and poop day in and day out.
He began coming to me about 6 weeks ago everytime he peed or pooped wanting his diaper changed. I eventually refused to change a once peed in diaper. I was having to do a diaper load twice a day and that lasted for about 3 days before I grew tired of it. I knew I needed to jump back on the toilet wagon and train him but laziness and procrastination overtook my will to move forward with it. I reasoned to myself that, afterall....the boy is not even 2 yet. By the time he reached his 2nd birthday on the 12th of July I had no more excuses other than to face my own slothful ways. I have never been good at admitting to laziness...or even surrendering to it.... so to admit it to myself brought to light my parental inadequacies and the determination to overcome them. As I march through my days I continue to tell myself that it is not just one choice but many that make up whether I accomplish something or just throw in the towel and give in, as is so easy to do with so many young children in a home. The little toy that lay in the floor for days on end is much easier to just walk by than to actually stoop to pick up. The piece of trash the older ones missed that lay in the yard for a week is easier to walk by than to bend and toss in the trash on the way by. And I know this sounds as though it is sheer insanity to the normal everyday mind but to a fellow mom of many it is a well understood concept.
And so this same theory applied to potty training the new up and coming independent one. And to make matters worse...now that we cloth diaper the urgency to get him up and out of diapers wasn't so urgent since the cost of diapers is now non existent. But, alas, I could not ignore my own short comings and I geared up for the task at hand. After only sitting on the toilet a few times and growing frustrated he wouldn't be released to freedom until he produced something within the commode he promptly figured out how to pee. The whole household cheered and sang his praises....for this milestone NEVER grows old. And so it is that he has been reliably peeing in the toilet for quite some time now. We still are waiting for him to master the pooping part of the job. As of now he either prefers to poop in the yard.....lovely.....or wait until the diaper is on at night. For outings I still do not trust him enough to entirely leave him in underwear so a diaper is put on for good measure. But he has yet to pee or poop in it and has been telling me he needs it off to go. So, with this event I figure we are pretty close to being fully potty trained. He sees me dump his poop in the toilet and he gets the joy of watching everyone else in the household go so I figure we are only days away from mastering this art as well.....as he appears to be trying very hard but has yet to produce something of his own in there. Never the less...it is still entirely exciting and no less shocking that what has been the slowest baby in the family to do pretty much everything in life is now the 2nd earliest to potty train. Grayson has him beat by 5 months as he was 19 months old when he completely mastered it all and Gavin is just barely 24 months old. Aubrey was 25 months, Evye a little more than 2 1/2, Garrison and Grant 2 1/2 exactly and Garrett just a little short of 2 1/2.
So it is that we have yet another little man in underwear these days. It lightens the laundry load but, even more, is the amazing feeling of success once more as a parent. And we will have a little over 7 entire months of only 1 in diapers.
Happy Birthday Sweet Gavin boy. You never cease to amaze me with everything new you come up with. The way you do things and how you do them in your own unique time.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
More of the Many Things They Do
4th of July Events. Since Brad was actually off this year we decided to do our own fireworks show. Due to the fact we didn't arrive home from Brad's parents until 9:30 that night it didn't leave much option for attending any local firework events....not that there's many to choose from around here. We did have the fun of seeing the smaller towns shooting off theirs while we made our way home into the approaching darkness. It definitely kept everybody's attention and did a great job at keeping road trip boredom at bay...though the children love going so much and are so used to it by now that boredom is seldom really an issue. Brad decided we could stop on the way to his parents at local fireworks stand and stock up on our own little arsenal of show stopping explosives. The crowds cheered. Once home we did our own little fireworks show in which it took all of not even 5 minutes to draw the entire town's attention. Something about ear piercing bombs exploding into the night draws crowds. Gavin wasn't too thrilled with any of it. In fact, he wailed until finally placed safely back within the confines of the house where he immediately perched himself on the couch and observed the show from his front row window seat. He's not to into new things just yet. Swimming and fireworks being two of his biggest heart stopping fears. I was a bit aware of this but it was quickly made apparent to all when we took the entire family to the public swimming pool while on our trip...in which he did nothing but cry and cling to me for the entire 45 minutes he was there. Yep...loud noises and water are not his forte just yet. Thankfully Aunt Abby was there to save the day and take him back to Brad's parents where he laid down for his afternoon nap with cousin Milo. They both slept the day away while everyone else swam their day away.
Storms blowing in across the oil fields of west Texas. 
Daddy lighting the night up
Daddy lighting the night up
Hangin out waiting to go swimming
Aubrey patiently waiting
Almost all of Grandma and Pawpaw's grandkids.....minus the sleeping Ivye. Cousin Milo (being held by Grayson) is only a mere 2 months younger than Gavin so it makes for some good playtime.
The streaking fireworks
Grant ready to take on the pool
Stopping for our contraband
And on to the many things they do. This would be what our summer days are made of.
What 4 little boys do when they're supposed to be sleeping...this would be Grayson's pillow...or what's left of it
The world's fattest frog.....which of course they promptly caught
More of Grayson's pillow
And still more of his pillow
The air strip he decided to give himself right down the middle of his head...this would be thanks to the mustache trimmers he got ahold of. Apparently he wasn't the only one, as Grant showed up with several mysterious bald spots too...not quite as lovely as this one though.
This would be the world's most disgusting frog being excitedly held by thrilled little boys
This would be the world's nastiest frog just before he peed all over Grant
More little boys up to no good. This would be a tasty mix of graham crackers and yummy conditioner. They swiftly figured out that it makes one of the world's greatest slip and slide combos when placed together on a shower floor.
Brad unloaded all of his bunker gear out of the truck to make room for kids. It laid on the floor for all of an hour before somebody had to try it on. This would be the very proud, up and coming local fire crew.
Now in all of the many things that they have gotten into what is not so obvious is the green plastic toy stuck deeply within Grant's ear canal. As the last 2 weeks have consisted of 3 children with double ear infections, due to living in the water, we have been checking everyone's ears regularly. What I didn't expect to find is the green mystery toy living happily within Grant's ear. How long it has been buried within nobody quite knows. What we do know is that is it buried so deeply that it is beyond all human reach at this point in life. We have exhausted all resources in our attempts to reclaim the toy and give it freedom....and possibly restore Grant's hearing. Our next step of action...the only one we really see left at this point....is making a trip in to see the PA at the clinic and see if she has any lovely ideas that have seemed to elude us in this endeavor. Brad has informed me that at this point in the deal he's not seeing much other way out...quite literally....than surgery. So, we're off to see the PA and if she can't seem to do much a about it then next stop is the ENT specialist. Fun. How truly boring life would be without children.
Thursday, July 09, 2009
Could you love enough......
Could you love enough to parent a child you did not give birth to? Could you love what the world deems as unlovable? Could you open the doors of your home to the ones the world would rather pretend are not there? Could you love enough?????
This is the very essence of the journey we have already embarked upon. Very few have been made aware of our decision as we walk in obedience to the calling we feel has been placed upon our lives. Honestly, we have not wanted to hear the pessimism that was surely to accompany our decision. But in stark contrast and quite shockingly, just as God moves and continues to blow us away and move mountains, we have been met with nothing but encouragement, support and people willing to intercede on our behalf. As always, there are those that are highly concerned for the well being of our family and concerned about the wisdom of our decision but both Brad and I, and all of our children, walk in confidence that we are indeed right where God has placed us. We are following the very specific instructions He has laid out before us. We do not judge those that have chosen not to go down this road that we are walking, as we both feel that just as God calls one person to a very specific calling on their lives He does not place that specific calling on every person's life. Just as we have been called and blessed to have a large family not every family is being called...or even should have any business.....having a large family.
As I launch into this both Brad and I fervently know beyond all else that there is indeed wisdom in an abundance of counselors and we have sought wisdom, knowledge, discernment and spent many hours...many years.....mulling over this huge decision that will forever change our lives, those of our children and make us better people...more highly in tuned to the spirit of God then I think we would ever be otherwise. We are changing the world, changing our nation, one child at a time. We cannot help all of the hurting children in the world but we can help 4 or 5 or 12 and to those few we have made a difference and the world and the lives within are a better place because of it.
I will back up and start at the beginning. As a youth I was heavily involved in mission work both nationally and internationally. I have been from Mexico all the way to Slovakia and alot of places in between. And the reason for my deep love and devotion to missions was the orphans. I have been to numerous orphanages across the globe and they each stayed with me....each face stayed with me....for an eternity. From dirty, barefooted, brown sunkissed children to pale, blond headed, blue eyed paperdoll children that are there needing homes, needing parents, needing what the world will not give them. Who will step up to the plate for these ones that are considered the rejects and outcasts of society...the ones that our shame induced society views as an embarrassment and seeks to turn their heads and look the other way? These illegitimate, abused, neglected "problem" children that no one knows what to do with. These children that people refuse to acknowledge are present in our society, or rather just pretend they do not exist. These children aging out of the foster care system make up the world within which we live....so whether you turn your head or stare the menacing facts in the face...they are there knocking on your door, hurting, using your tax dollars and degrading the world in which we live because no one will step up to love enough to turn the situation around. These statistics cannot be ignored.
Of all youth aging out of the foster care system:
56% are unemployed and face poverty within 2-4 years
They represent 70% of all homeless youth
They constitute 88% of all incarcerated youth and young adults
40% receive welfare within 2-4 years
40% do not graduate from high school
60% of teenage girls will have a baby within 2 years
Even more importantly...no one will educate themselves enough to know the real truth about the hidden children of America. If you do not educate yourself and that of your family then you are predestined to failure. I firmly believe it is the ones who educate themselves and go beyond the warm fuzzies that are the successful ones who change lives..those that are determined to show the love of God to a child who has never known what it is to be loved.
So it is that my heart was turned to orphans at a very early age....many years before my first mission trip. I remember being mesmerized by the "Happy Hills home for Children" in Keller or Roanoke as we drove by it before I was probably even 11 years old. I longed to go within...to see these children, and at one point even begged to take some home with us. As years went by I turned to missions and international work believing the American myth that children here are lost causes. The troubled children that you do not touch with a 10 foot pole....because they do, after all, wreak havoc on one's life and set fire to your house, burn you to a crisp in your bed, destroy any and all property and are all, in general, axe murderers. So, I suppose I just figured I'd fix the rest of the world's children....the ones that showed hope since they were "only" victims of poverty.
Years went by and we had children of our own. Adoption never came up, as we only wanted our 3 "acceptable" children. I became unexpectedly pregnant with my 4th pregnancy in which 4 months later we found that God had blindsided us and given us twins. With the revelation of the fact God was indeed in control and we were not at all Brad never followed through with his vasectomy and we decided, albeit fearfully, that we would trust God for our family size since He obviously had bigger plans than we ever did.
After the arrival of #6 we lay there one rare night that Brad was actually home, as it was during his commuting years, and gazed at our sweet perfect baby. Our hearts were forever changed as we saw his perfection and the plan of God in another human being. The plan of a God that is so much bigger than we are and the absolute miracle of the tiny life we had been given...this little life that was so loved, so protected, so embraced by all. It was that night that we truly gave our hearts and family size over to the Lord for the very last time and never took it back....never looked back. Only days later as the weightlessness of our decision made us giddy with joy, absolute love and excitement the topic of adoption entered our marriage. God had taken us into a new dimension of life altogether. Our love, our passion, for children was not limited to just our own. Why could we not love the thousands that remain without parents? And, in fact, we were already deeply in love with the thousands. 3 years ago, in a small house in a big city with 6 children already God did something in our hearts that night as a couple that forever changed our marriage and the idea of our family and what was "acceptable" to us.
The next day I searched the internet for hours and saw hundreds of photolistings of children all over the world..from ones right in our own backyard to the edge of China. Hundreds and hundreds of children's faces filled up hours of my day and of many days to come. It was then we realized the vastness of the need and the lack of people willing to step up and do something about it. So I went on to submit our information to many different adoption agencies and collected files upon files and binders worth of info.
But, alas, it was not the right time. The wrong time, the wrong place, but the right heart and exactly where God wanted us for the season. The work had begun. The topic of adoption finally fell to the wayside as we pursued moving, a new home 400 miles away from the only place I had ever lived and our biological family continued to grow rapidly. It entered our conversation sporadically and at one point I submitted our information to the local CPS region director as potentially interested adoptive parents. They sent us a packet with an invitation to attend an orientation but that too fell away and we never followed up. That was 2 years ago.
A few months ago we began receiving letters asking us...and then almost begging us....to attend an orientation meeting. There had been no word in 2 years. They stated that there is a desperate need for foster/adoptive homes and if we were still interested to please notify them at our earliest convenience. With 8 children of our own now I didn't see the need to mention to Brad the handwritten letters that had been arriving in the mail for quite some time. With the arrival of the 7th one I finally realized that maybe we were created for such a time and place as this...and this was our attention call. Were we willing to go through with what had been laid on our hearts so many years ago? How serious were we in our pursuit of God? How much could He trust us with a conviction and calling He had placed on our lives? Would we be one of the few that would actually acknowledge the calling and not turn tail and run in terrorizing fear? Just how big is God??? Did we really even know? Could we fathom?
This thing that is so much bigger than us....so much bigger than the tiny little comfort zone within which we live. Is He that big? Could we realistically walk in obedience to the very black and white print of His word as He instructs His people to care for the widows and the orphans, raise our own growing family and still maintain our sanity? Could we convince the world that we are indeed not crazy, just merely crazily in love with a heavenly Father who does not care how insane His children appear in the world's eyes as they carry out the instructions He has given to them? Could we convince the world that we are not freaks....but merely people with a heart for the children who have been abandoned by all others? Could we convince our very own parents that we are capable of this feat of raising tons of kids? Was it fair to ask our extended families to love these children like we do? Did we need to ask it of them or was our love enough? Was it worth the rejection that may be suffered if we embarked on this journey? Did we dare risk severing the ties that we have with parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, as we surely come up against those that disagree, have differing opinions, express grave concern for the safety and wellbeing of our 8 children or are just shocked into a paralytic fear of our seemingly foolish choices? But we serve a mighty God that is capable of overcoming and we serve a God that sent His Son which became an outcast in His society as people sought to punish Him, silence Him and destroy all He sought to reveal. But the Lord our God has spoken and when you walk in obedience He will work in you and through you to accomplish His purpose and lives are changed.
So, as our 7th letter arrived I broached the subject with Brad and, to my shock, He was interested. If the need was that great then we would at least pursue it to some extent and seek to gain some insight as to what the process entails. Maybe someday.....but at least we'd know.
The next orientation meeting Brad was on shift so I attended alone with Ivye in tow with promises to report all that was said. I was in awe. How much I did not know. I raced to the station after it was over and spilled all that I could remember. It was an exciting yet sobering night for the 2 of us. This was real. This was something we could do...we need to do.....and that needs to be done now....as there is no one else stepping up to do it. We are here....at the right place, at the right time. Our family is large, our family has children, our family is already geared for the masses, for the children needing toys, clothes....but more importantly for the children needing unconditional love, heathy boundaries, structure and healthy happy home to grow in. We are here with the ability and the heart to carry this out....with the God given passion to step up to the plate. It became more real that night than it had ever been.
The next step was to attend the state mandated 30 hrs of training for all prospective foster/adoptive homes. This was a huge feat to us since it would obviously require large sums of money to fund a babysitter for 7 Saturdays, each 10 hours. And then we had Brad's schedule to contend with. And then the upcoming class was full but we could attend the one beginning in Sept. We began to pray more fervently than before that God would either begin to close the doors by these hurdles we faced or throw them wide open and not allow them to be an issue. And that at any point He would stop this whole process if we were walking outside of His will. But doors continued to be flung wide open in total abandonment. So we forged ahead. A cancellation had been made and we were notified that Brad and I could attend the upcoming class that began in 2 days. I began to read voraciously on everything I could get my hands on about adoption and the real life, true realistic stories of the good, the bad and the ugly. We talked with many, many adoptive parents God has placed within our life and asked about their experiences both nationally and those that had chosen international adoptions. I became a part of a foster/adoption board that tells all...those things that case workers will never in a lifetime reveal. My initial fear began to wane as we placed this Goliath back at the feet of God night after night. Eventually fear turned to days filled with confidence that eventually turned to weeks filled with confidence in God's ability to do this through us. Confidence turned to joy and joy turned to sheer excitement as we began to think of gathering our children home to us. Brad and I began to see faces of children that are already our's that are waiting to be held by us. Children whose hearts are calling to come home. And we fell in love. Fear of the unknown and fear of these hurting children so filled with pain transitioned into a deep all consuming love that cast out all fear and made us aware of the power of God through us and through the unconditional love of our 8 children.
We spent what seemed like an eternity but in all reality was only 2 weeks filling out our application and gathering the needed documents. It was finally submitted and only days later we received a call from our adoption worker. She was already wanting to set up a date to do a pre-homestudy to assure that we pass our homestudy with the social worker. I had just assumed this part would be months in the making and take a good 4-6 months to ever reach. But to my surprise she said sooner rather than later was good as the need is great. She wanted to be here in a less than a week. We have spent weeks now readying and preparing our hearts, our children's hearts and our house for this new part of our life. Willingly inviting CPS in to scrutinize our life seemed a bit insane to our large, homeschooling ways that have been taught to fear CPS at all costs. These are, afterall, Satan's worst messengers by the world's standards...the people who do the dirty work and rip children away from parents. But both Brad and I agree and know beyond all else that we have nothing to hide and though we fall far from the perfect ideal of a parent our children are educated well, on complete target with where they should be, have been taught respect, have had character instilled into them, are well mannered, happy, healthy, active, social and have an insatiable love for all people. We have nothing to fear, nothing to hide.
During the conversation our adoption worker shocked us even more by saying that they have a sibling group of 5 that need to be placed quickly and she thinks we are a good match, thus the reason for the rush on the homestudy. Once approved we will be able to view their profile and decide whether we want to pursue them. What I thought would be months and months tied up in legal red tape could be over in only a matter of weeks. I assumed we might have more children by the end of this year or possibly the beginning of next but instead it could possibly be as soon as 5-6 weeks from now. That, my dear friend, is just really soon. My heart quivered with excitement and anxiety over the unknown. Would our house be considered big enough, how in the world do you choose which children to pursue, we still have need of a vehicle, we still need 2 more beds.
But as I prayed my heart was quieted and my thoughts brought to a halt as the Lord reminded me that He has amazingly blessed us with 2 more bunkbeds already and every need is being met by the provisions within His storehouse....and His storehouse is LARGE. Why would it stop now and why would it be any different for a vehicle or larger items? He whispered to my wildly beating heart, "Be still and know that I am God. Walk in faith. You will mount up on wings of eagles, you will run and not be weary, you will walk and not faint. Just walk in faith and believe that just as I have trusted you with 8 and met their needs so I will meet the needs of those I make your's. I will expand your territory." So, I wait to see how He will expand our territory and live with the expectation that He is sufficient in every way and our needs are already met....long before our children arrive.
We have stated that we would like to adopt sibling groups of 4-7 children...groups typically so large that they will not be placed due to their size. The ones that tend to scare off most people based on the number of children. We are used to large numbers of children and we are far from intimidated by them. Our own children are of the mentality that it truly is the more the merrier. I do not know what God has planned for us and who our children are or even how many of them there are. But I do know that we have never been happier or more excited and that God is doing a great and mighty work within our family and the lives of our children. There truly is no greater joy than to walk in truth, to know that our children walk in truth and to know that we are walking in obedience to what we have been called to do. No feeling in the world can ever rival that.
I will continue later about how we have prepared our children for this adoption process and these new siblings coming into their lives. I will also expand on what it has done for us personally as parents to our biological children. Our cup runneth over.
This is the very essence of the journey we have already embarked upon. Very few have been made aware of our decision as we walk in obedience to the calling we feel has been placed upon our lives. Honestly, we have not wanted to hear the pessimism that was surely to accompany our decision. But in stark contrast and quite shockingly, just as God moves and continues to blow us away and move mountains, we have been met with nothing but encouragement, support and people willing to intercede on our behalf. As always, there are those that are highly concerned for the well being of our family and concerned about the wisdom of our decision but both Brad and I, and all of our children, walk in confidence that we are indeed right where God has placed us. We are following the very specific instructions He has laid out before us. We do not judge those that have chosen not to go down this road that we are walking, as we both feel that just as God calls one person to a very specific calling on their lives He does not place that specific calling on every person's life. Just as we have been called and blessed to have a large family not every family is being called...or even should have any business.....having a large family.
As I launch into this both Brad and I fervently know beyond all else that there is indeed wisdom in an abundance of counselors and we have sought wisdom, knowledge, discernment and spent many hours...many years.....mulling over this huge decision that will forever change our lives, those of our children and make us better people...more highly in tuned to the spirit of God then I think we would ever be otherwise. We are changing the world, changing our nation, one child at a time. We cannot help all of the hurting children in the world but we can help 4 or 5 or 12 and to those few we have made a difference and the world and the lives within are a better place because of it.
I will back up and start at the beginning. As a youth I was heavily involved in mission work both nationally and internationally. I have been from Mexico all the way to Slovakia and alot of places in between. And the reason for my deep love and devotion to missions was the orphans. I have been to numerous orphanages across the globe and they each stayed with me....each face stayed with me....for an eternity. From dirty, barefooted, brown sunkissed children to pale, blond headed, blue eyed paperdoll children that are there needing homes, needing parents, needing what the world will not give them. Who will step up to the plate for these ones that are considered the rejects and outcasts of society...the ones that our shame induced society views as an embarrassment and seeks to turn their heads and look the other way? These illegitimate, abused, neglected "problem" children that no one knows what to do with. These children that people refuse to acknowledge are present in our society, or rather just pretend they do not exist. These children aging out of the foster care system make up the world within which we live....so whether you turn your head or stare the menacing facts in the face...they are there knocking on your door, hurting, using your tax dollars and degrading the world in which we live because no one will step up to love enough to turn the situation around. These statistics cannot be ignored.
Of all youth aging out of the foster care system:
56% are unemployed and face poverty within 2-4 years
They represent 70% of all homeless youth
They constitute 88% of all incarcerated youth and young adults
40% receive welfare within 2-4 years
40% do not graduate from high school
60% of teenage girls will have a baby within 2 years
Even more importantly...no one will educate themselves enough to know the real truth about the hidden children of America. If you do not educate yourself and that of your family then you are predestined to failure. I firmly believe it is the ones who educate themselves and go beyond the warm fuzzies that are the successful ones who change lives..those that are determined to show the love of God to a child who has never known what it is to be loved.
So it is that my heart was turned to orphans at a very early age....many years before my first mission trip. I remember being mesmerized by the "Happy Hills home for Children" in Keller or Roanoke as we drove by it before I was probably even 11 years old. I longed to go within...to see these children, and at one point even begged to take some home with us. As years went by I turned to missions and international work believing the American myth that children here are lost causes. The troubled children that you do not touch with a 10 foot pole....because they do, after all, wreak havoc on one's life and set fire to your house, burn you to a crisp in your bed, destroy any and all property and are all, in general, axe murderers. So, I suppose I just figured I'd fix the rest of the world's children....the ones that showed hope since they were "only" victims of poverty.
Years went by and we had children of our own. Adoption never came up, as we only wanted our 3 "acceptable" children. I became unexpectedly pregnant with my 4th pregnancy in which 4 months later we found that God had blindsided us and given us twins. With the revelation of the fact God was indeed in control and we were not at all Brad never followed through with his vasectomy and we decided, albeit fearfully, that we would trust God for our family size since He obviously had bigger plans than we ever did.
After the arrival of #6 we lay there one rare night that Brad was actually home, as it was during his commuting years, and gazed at our sweet perfect baby. Our hearts were forever changed as we saw his perfection and the plan of God in another human being. The plan of a God that is so much bigger than we are and the absolute miracle of the tiny life we had been given...this little life that was so loved, so protected, so embraced by all. It was that night that we truly gave our hearts and family size over to the Lord for the very last time and never took it back....never looked back. Only days later as the weightlessness of our decision made us giddy with joy, absolute love and excitement the topic of adoption entered our marriage. God had taken us into a new dimension of life altogether. Our love, our passion, for children was not limited to just our own. Why could we not love the thousands that remain without parents? And, in fact, we were already deeply in love with the thousands. 3 years ago, in a small house in a big city with 6 children already God did something in our hearts that night as a couple that forever changed our marriage and the idea of our family and what was "acceptable" to us.
The next day I searched the internet for hours and saw hundreds of photolistings of children all over the world..from ones right in our own backyard to the edge of China. Hundreds and hundreds of children's faces filled up hours of my day and of many days to come. It was then we realized the vastness of the need and the lack of people willing to step up and do something about it. So I went on to submit our information to many different adoption agencies and collected files upon files and binders worth of info.
But, alas, it was not the right time. The wrong time, the wrong place, but the right heart and exactly where God wanted us for the season. The work had begun. The topic of adoption finally fell to the wayside as we pursued moving, a new home 400 miles away from the only place I had ever lived and our biological family continued to grow rapidly. It entered our conversation sporadically and at one point I submitted our information to the local CPS region director as potentially interested adoptive parents. They sent us a packet with an invitation to attend an orientation but that too fell away and we never followed up. That was 2 years ago.
A few months ago we began receiving letters asking us...and then almost begging us....to attend an orientation meeting. There had been no word in 2 years. They stated that there is a desperate need for foster/adoptive homes and if we were still interested to please notify them at our earliest convenience. With 8 children of our own now I didn't see the need to mention to Brad the handwritten letters that had been arriving in the mail for quite some time. With the arrival of the 7th one I finally realized that maybe we were created for such a time and place as this...and this was our attention call. Were we willing to go through with what had been laid on our hearts so many years ago? How serious were we in our pursuit of God? How much could He trust us with a conviction and calling He had placed on our lives? Would we be one of the few that would actually acknowledge the calling and not turn tail and run in terrorizing fear? Just how big is God??? Did we really even know? Could we fathom?
This thing that is so much bigger than us....so much bigger than the tiny little comfort zone within which we live. Is He that big? Could we realistically walk in obedience to the very black and white print of His word as He instructs His people to care for the widows and the orphans, raise our own growing family and still maintain our sanity? Could we convince the world that we are indeed not crazy, just merely crazily in love with a heavenly Father who does not care how insane His children appear in the world's eyes as they carry out the instructions He has given to them? Could we convince the world that we are not freaks....but merely people with a heart for the children who have been abandoned by all others? Could we convince our very own parents that we are capable of this feat of raising tons of kids? Was it fair to ask our extended families to love these children like we do? Did we need to ask it of them or was our love enough? Was it worth the rejection that may be suffered if we embarked on this journey? Did we dare risk severing the ties that we have with parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, as we surely come up against those that disagree, have differing opinions, express grave concern for the safety and wellbeing of our 8 children or are just shocked into a paralytic fear of our seemingly foolish choices? But we serve a mighty God that is capable of overcoming and we serve a God that sent His Son which became an outcast in His society as people sought to punish Him, silence Him and destroy all He sought to reveal. But the Lord our God has spoken and when you walk in obedience He will work in you and through you to accomplish His purpose and lives are changed.
So, as our 7th letter arrived I broached the subject with Brad and, to my shock, He was interested. If the need was that great then we would at least pursue it to some extent and seek to gain some insight as to what the process entails. Maybe someday.....but at least we'd know.
The next orientation meeting Brad was on shift so I attended alone with Ivye in tow with promises to report all that was said. I was in awe. How much I did not know. I raced to the station after it was over and spilled all that I could remember. It was an exciting yet sobering night for the 2 of us. This was real. This was something we could do...we need to do.....and that needs to be done now....as there is no one else stepping up to do it. We are here....at the right place, at the right time. Our family is large, our family has children, our family is already geared for the masses, for the children needing toys, clothes....but more importantly for the children needing unconditional love, heathy boundaries, structure and healthy happy home to grow in. We are here with the ability and the heart to carry this out....with the God given passion to step up to the plate. It became more real that night than it had ever been.
The next step was to attend the state mandated 30 hrs of training for all prospective foster/adoptive homes. This was a huge feat to us since it would obviously require large sums of money to fund a babysitter for 7 Saturdays, each 10 hours. And then we had Brad's schedule to contend with. And then the upcoming class was full but we could attend the one beginning in Sept. We began to pray more fervently than before that God would either begin to close the doors by these hurdles we faced or throw them wide open and not allow them to be an issue. And that at any point He would stop this whole process if we were walking outside of His will. But doors continued to be flung wide open in total abandonment. So we forged ahead. A cancellation had been made and we were notified that Brad and I could attend the upcoming class that began in 2 days. I began to read voraciously on everything I could get my hands on about adoption and the real life, true realistic stories of the good, the bad and the ugly. We talked with many, many adoptive parents God has placed within our life and asked about their experiences both nationally and those that had chosen international adoptions. I became a part of a foster/adoption board that tells all...those things that case workers will never in a lifetime reveal. My initial fear began to wane as we placed this Goliath back at the feet of God night after night. Eventually fear turned to days filled with confidence that eventually turned to weeks filled with confidence in God's ability to do this through us. Confidence turned to joy and joy turned to sheer excitement as we began to think of gathering our children home to us. Brad and I began to see faces of children that are already our's that are waiting to be held by us. Children whose hearts are calling to come home. And we fell in love. Fear of the unknown and fear of these hurting children so filled with pain transitioned into a deep all consuming love that cast out all fear and made us aware of the power of God through us and through the unconditional love of our 8 children.
We spent what seemed like an eternity but in all reality was only 2 weeks filling out our application and gathering the needed documents. It was finally submitted and only days later we received a call from our adoption worker. She was already wanting to set up a date to do a pre-homestudy to assure that we pass our homestudy with the social worker. I had just assumed this part would be months in the making and take a good 4-6 months to ever reach. But to my surprise she said sooner rather than later was good as the need is great. She wanted to be here in a less than a week. We have spent weeks now readying and preparing our hearts, our children's hearts and our house for this new part of our life. Willingly inviting CPS in to scrutinize our life seemed a bit insane to our large, homeschooling ways that have been taught to fear CPS at all costs. These are, afterall, Satan's worst messengers by the world's standards...the people who do the dirty work and rip children away from parents. But both Brad and I agree and know beyond all else that we have nothing to hide and though we fall far from the perfect ideal of a parent our children are educated well, on complete target with where they should be, have been taught respect, have had character instilled into them, are well mannered, happy, healthy, active, social and have an insatiable love for all people. We have nothing to fear, nothing to hide.
During the conversation our adoption worker shocked us even more by saying that they have a sibling group of 5 that need to be placed quickly and she thinks we are a good match, thus the reason for the rush on the homestudy. Once approved we will be able to view their profile and decide whether we want to pursue them. What I thought would be months and months tied up in legal red tape could be over in only a matter of weeks. I assumed we might have more children by the end of this year or possibly the beginning of next but instead it could possibly be as soon as 5-6 weeks from now. That, my dear friend, is just really soon. My heart quivered with excitement and anxiety over the unknown. Would our house be considered big enough, how in the world do you choose which children to pursue, we still have need of a vehicle, we still need 2 more beds.
But as I prayed my heart was quieted and my thoughts brought to a halt as the Lord reminded me that He has amazingly blessed us with 2 more bunkbeds already and every need is being met by the provisions within His storehouse....and His storehouse is LARGE. Why would it stop now and why would it be any different for a vehicle or larger items? He whispered to my wildly beating heart, "Be still and know that I am God. Walk in faith. You will mount up on wings of eagles, you will run and not be weary, you will walk and not faint. Just walk in faith and believe that just as I have trusted you with 8 and met their needs so I will meet the needs of those I make your's. I will expand your territory." So, I wait to see how He will expand our territory and live with the expectation that He is sufficient in every way and our needs are already met....long before our children arrive.
We have stated that we would like to adopt sibling groups of 4-7 children...groups typically so large that they will not be placed due to their size. The ones that tend to scare off most people based on the number of children. We are used to large numbers of children and we are far from intimidated by them. Our own children are of the mentality that it truly is the more the merrier. I do not know what God has planned for us and who our children are or even how many of them there are. But I do know that we have never been happier or more excited and that God is doing a great and mighty work within our family and the lives of our children. There truly is no greater joy than to walk in truth, to know that our children walk in truth and to know that we are walking in obedience to what we have been called to do. No feeling in the world can ever rival that.
I will continue later about how we have prepared our children for this adoption process and these new siblings coming into their lives. I will also expand on what it has done for us personally as parents to our biological children. Our cup runneth over.
Sunday, July 05, 2009
The Scoop
So...now for the details that many of you have asked for. I think I honestly had myself convinced that I wasn't going to be pregnant for awhile. After pregnancies only 5 and 6 months after the last few babies and now with Ivye going on 8 months I assumed my internal body clock had finally slowed a little. My sister, who has 9 children of her own, has gone from having them every 18 months to now every 3 or so years and I know that siblings that have gone before can be a pretty good indicator of what ones future could possibly hold due to the fact you came from the same 2 people and the genetic makeup does not vary that drastically. So it was that once Ivye reached 7 and 8 months and no pregnancy popped up that I realized I may actually go unpregnant for quite some time. After getting used to that strange and foreign idea I suppose I finally kind of started subconsciously planning around that theory. But, of course, God has very different plans and I had no clue what exactly He had in mind.
I had tested about a week and a half ago knowing that if I was going to show up pregnant this month then I would've gotten a positive about then. It was negative, as all of the tests the last few months have been. I laid the thought of it down after that and never thought twice about it after the fact. But when Brad noticed that I was overly cranky and irritable he gently brought attention to it this past Thursday. We both assumed it was just due to hormonal fluctuations...definitely giving no right at all to be crabby and hard to live with....so just making me aware that I needed to reign it in a little and be more attentive and sensitive to those around me. Friday morning arrived and we set off for a holiday weekend at his parents.
We arrived early Friday afternoon only to have Grayson start running fever...something we have not had to deal with in ages. Due to the fact he has done nothing but outside work mowing our own yard and working a paid job shoveling rocks for a fellow city council member I figured it was a sinus infection due to breathing in tons of colleche dust. By Friday evening he was in so much throat pain that Brad and I set off with Gavin to see what we could find to aid him. While at the store I teasingly asked Brad if he wanted to pick up a pregnancy test since I was having mild heartburn issues. We teased and laughed and I told him it would be futile since it'd just come back negative anyway. I'd already tested and there were no other signs or symptoms to say that we needed to retest. Before leaving he said to go find a test. So, we actually did end up heading home with a bottle of sinus relief, some sort of throat relief and a pregnancy test.
I was in no hurry to take it since I thought...thought being the key word here....that I already knew the answer. And I'd already drunk a ton of water that day so in the small event it would have reason to come back positive it would probably not since everything would be so diluted anyway and the likelihood of any hormones being picked up was slim. I had reached my own conclusion that if I was still having heartburn by the end of the day that'd I'd just test the next morning. So, in typical Nikki fashion, I waited all of 2 hrs. Never in my life have I ever been known for patience and knowing it sat in the bag and knowing it would be negative I felt obligated to go get it over with. So, it was that I took an obligatory bathroom break. Much to my utter dismay I watched the color move across the tiny window and a little pregnant line light right up. I stared at it for awhile and then grabbed the box to verify that it was indeed a positive result. Seconds past and after the initial shock wore off of I wrapped all of the evidence back up, placed it back in the store sack and left no trace of what had just been discovered in a bathroom some 200 miles from home.
Brad was with his dad messing around with music so I went and fetched Evye since she and Grayson have been impatiently waiting for this moment for months now. I took her into our room and pulled my secret out of hiding. She jumped and squealed and was as elated as I thought she would be. She hurriedly went and called Grayson who came in to see what all of the hushed excitement was about. His very Grayson like comment was, "Man...it took forever this time." Yes, Grayson....all 8 months. Evye eventually got Brad's attention and couldn't wait to reveal the news. I tended to Gavin while she took Brad back to have a peek. He came back in grinning from ear to ear with a knowing look as we exchanged glances. He had seen.
With Evye still begging to proclaim to the world the creation of a another new baby I finally allowed her to tell Brad's sister, who was there with her husband and baby also. Brad wanted to hold out and be the one to tell his parents as his ultimate birthday gift but as time went by and the natural chaos of family gatherings kicked in the opportunity never presented itself. We returned home late into the night for him to immediately go on shift this morning so we still have lots of people to tell tomorrow!
Later Friday night after children were bedded down in sleeping bags all across his parents living room floor the two of us snuck out of the house. We walked and talked in the breezy dry west Texas night air for 2 entire hours. Walking, talking, planning, trouble shooting, dreaming and just being in love and in awe over how great our God is and how abundantly blessed we really are.
This pregnancy took a day or two to sink in given the timing of it and the fact I had falsely convinced myself that I would be unpregnant for awhile. As we work on building a business, drawing out plans, submitting paperwork, dealing with builders and the busyness of it all I had come to rely on my seemingly endless amount of energy and the fact that I could accomplish any given number of things within a mere half a day's time. I was feeling very good about the fact that I was not being interrupted by puking episodes or the vast need for sleep that seems to overcome me during the 1st trimester of every pregnancy. And along the lines of accomplishing things and the changes in our lives......our lives have taken a very different turn as God has been faithful to reveal to us the very special plans He has for our family in this new chapter we enter into. Much more on that later, as it is a topic all its own. But for now, our family has taken on several huge undertakings that, to me, seemed better completed without being pregnant while trying to accomplish it all. But I truly know more so now than I ever have in my entire life that His ways are indeed so much higher than my ways and His thoughts are so much higher than my mere mortal thoughts and plans. And He has indeed created this baby for such a time and place as this and as He continues to add to our lives He will give us the grace, strength and mercy to carry out everything else He has called us to.
Sometimes the timing may seem a bit off to me as I sit back and view life through my narrow little window but I have absolutely no doubt that the Lord knows every intimate detail about our life and that we are being blessed with a very successful business, more children and a new direction for our family's life. I am already deeply in love with this tiny little being that grows silently within at this very moment. Our children are already embracing this baby in its watery world as they talk to it, speak to it, love it and convince this baby that it certainly is the most loved, treasured and desired baby in all of the world. I find it absolutely amazing that with each new baby the excitement and anticipation only multiplies. I know I've said it so many times in the last few pregnancies but it never ceases to amaze me that with each new one it seems to get easier, not harder, and that my ability to fall in love all over again and embrace yet another new life is instantaneous.
And for the record, I could place money on the fact it is a boy. Given the fact there is no morning sickness, no signs and no symptoms of even being pregnant at all just screams boy to me. With all 3 girls morning sickness seemed to have started before I even had a chance to test and it lasted well into the 12th and 13th weeks. So far with every boy pregnancy there has been nothing. And now even 18 days into this I am still feeling far from pregnant...which is a very good thing considering everything we still have yet to accomplish. Since we are going with our local midwife this time and no longer making the drives back and forth to Fort Worth for every appt I will not be getting a sonogram. Our local midwife doesn't have sonongrams done unless a justifiable need arises so this will be our first surprise baby ever. In a bittersweet way I will deeply miss our regular trips to Fort Worth and spending entire weekends with Mother and Thomas. But, I am so entirely at peace with delivering our baby here...this time with assistance! No more 95 mph trips through torrential downpours for Brad, no more wondering if it's time for baby, no more hotel nights...though that had to be one of the most fun parts about Ivye's birth, no more uneasiness surrounding the coming of our new baby. Just sheer and utter God given peace and the serenity that goes along with staying here and having a baby. And there is no doubt that trips to Fort Worth can still be arranged since we seem to be up there all the time anyway. This just takes the forced, mandatory part out of it....a very good thing. Oh yes....and no more wicked women racing me to the midwife's little home beating me to the birthing tub.
All of that to say, there will be no ultrasound this time around. I think it's easier to swallow since I am so entirely convinced it's a boy. But, as I have said to others, I am completely up for a surprise. It'd be the shock of a lifetime to have a completely morning sickness free pregnancy and then deliver a sweet baby girl. I think it'd be fun for Ivye to have another sister that close in age too since she is a bit swamped by boys. But I dearly love our many boys and will gladly and proudly parent many, many more. If history is any good indication...which it has proven to be so far....this baby is indeed a boy in every regard and Grayson will have his 6 man team.
I had tested about a week and a half ago knowing that if I was going to show up pregnant this month then I would've gotten a positive about then. It was negative, as all of the tests the last few months have been. I laid the thought of it down after that and never thought twice about it after the fact. But when Brad noticed that I was overly cranky and irritable he gently brought attention to it this past Thursday. We both assumed it was just due to hormonal fluctuations...definitely giving no right at all to be crabby and hard to live with....so just making me aware that I needed to reign it in a little and be more attentive and sensitive to those around me. Friday morning arrived and we set off for a holiday weekend at his parents.
We arrived early Friday afternoon only to have Grayson start running fever...something we have not had to deal with in ages. Due to the fact he has done nothing but outside work mowing our own yard and working a paid job shoveling rocks for a fellow city council member I figured it was a sinus infection due to breathing in tons of colleche dust. By Friday evening he was in so much throat pain that Brad and I set off with Gavin to see what we could find to aid him. While at the store I teasingly asked Brad if he wanted to pick up a pregnancy test since I was having mild heartburn issues. We teased and laughed and I told him it would be futile since it'd just come back negative anyway. I'd already tested and there were no other signs or symptoms to say that we needed to retest. Before leaving he said to go find a test. So, we actually did end up heading home with a bottle of sinus relief, some sort of throat relief and a pregnancy test.
I was in no hurry to take it since I thought...thought being the key word here....that I already knew the answer. And I'd already drunk a ton of water that day so in the small event it would have reason to come back positive it would probably not since everything would be so diluted anyway and the likelihood of any hormones being picked up was slim. I had reached my own conclusion that if I was still having heartburn by the end of the day that'd I'd just test the next morning. So, in typical Nikki fashion, I waited all of 2 hrs. Never in my life have I ever been known for patience and knowing it sat in the bag and knowing it would be negative I felt obligated to go get it over with. So, it was that I took an obligatory bathroom break. Much to my utter dismay I watched the color move across the tiny window and a little pregnant line light right up. I stared at it for awhile and then grabbed the box to verify that it was indeed a positive result. Seconds past and after the initial shock wore off of I wrapped all of the evidence back up, placed it back in the store sack and left no trace of what had just been discovered in a bathroom some 200 miles from home.
Brad was with his dad messing around with music so I went and fetched Evye since she and Grayson have been impatiently waiting for this moment for months now. I took her into our room and pulled my secret out of hiding. She jumped and squealed and was as elated as I thought she would be. She hurriedly went and called Grayson who came in to see what all of the hushed excitement was about. His very Grayson like comment was, "Man...it took forever this time." Yes, Grayson....all 8 months. Evye eventually got Brad's attention and couldn't wait to reveal the news. I tended to Gavin while she took Brad back to have a peek. He came back in grinning from ear to ear with a knowing look as we exchanged glances. He had seen.
With Evye still begging to proclaim to the world the creation of a another new baby I finally allowed her to tell Brad's sister, who was there with her husband and baby also. Brad wanted to hold out and be the one to tell his parents as his ultimate birthday gift but as time went by and the natural chaos of family gatherings kicked in the opportunity never presented itself. We returned home late into the night for him to immediately go on shift this morning so we still have lots of people to tell tomorrow!
Later Friday night after children were bedded down in sleeping bags all across his parents living room floor the two of us snuck out of the house. We walked and talked in the breezy dry west Texas night air for 2 entire hours. Walking, talking, planning, trouble shooting, dreaming and just being in love and in awe over how great our God is and how abundantly blessed we really are.
This pregnancy took a day or two to sink in given the timing of it and the fact I had falsely convinced myself that I would be unpregnant for awhile. As we work on building a business, drawing out plans, submitting paperwork, dealing with builders and the busyness of it all I had come to rely on my seemingly endless amount of energy and the fact that I could accomplish any given number of things within a mere half a day's time. I was feeling very good about the fact that I was not being interrupted by puking episodes or the vast need for sleep that seems to overcome me during the 1st trimester of every pregnancy. And along the lines of accomplishing things and the changes in our lives......our lives have taken a very different turn as God has been faithful to reveal to us the very special plans He has for our family in this new chapter we enter into. Much more on that later, as it is a topic all its own. But for now, our family has taken on several huge undertakings that, to me, seemed better completed without being pregnant while trying to accomplish it all. But I truly know more so now than I ever have in my entire life that His ways are indeed so much higher than my ways and His thoughts are so much higher than my mere mortal thoughts and plans. And He has indeed created this baby for such a time and place as this and as He continues to add to our lives He will give us the grace, strength and mercy to carry out everything else He has called us to.
Sometimes the timing may seem a bit off to me as I sit back and view life through my narrow little window but I have absolutely no doubt that the Lord knows every intimate detail about our life and that we are being blessed with a very successful business, more children and a new direction for our family's life. I am already deeply in love with this tiny little being that grows silently within at this very moment. Our children are already embracing this baby in its watery world as they talk to it, speak to it, love it and convince this baby that it certainly is the most loved, treasured and desired baby in all of the world. I find it absolutely amazing that with each new baby the excitement and anticipation only multiplies. I know I've said it so many times in the last few pregnancies but it never ceases to amaze me that with each new one it seems to get easier, not harder, and that my ability to fall in love all over again and embrace yet another new life is instantaneous.
And for the record, I could place money on the fact it is a boy. Given the fact there is no morning sickness, no signs and no symptoms of even being pregnant at all just screams boy to me. With all 3 girls morning sickness seemed to have started before I even had a chance to test and it lasted well into the 12th and 13th weeks. So far with every boy pregnancy there has been nothing. And now even 18 days into this I am still feeling far from pregnant...which is a very good thing considering everything we still have yet to accomplish. Since we are going with our local midwife this time and no longer making the drives back and forth to Fort Worth for every appt I will not be getting a sonogram. Our local midwife doesn't have sonongrams done unless a justifiable need arises so this will be our first surprise baby ever. In a bittersweet way I will deeply miss our regular trips to Fort Worth and spending entire weekends with Mother and Thomas. But, I am so entirely at peace with delivering our baby here...this time with assistance! No more 95 mph trips through torrential downpours for Brad, no more wondering if it's time for baby, no more hotel nights...though that had to be one of the most fun parts about Ivye's birth, no more uneasiness surrounding the coming of our new baby. Just sheer and utter God given peace and the serenity that goes along with staying here and having a baby. And there is no doubt that trips to Fort Worth can still be arranged since we seem to be up there all the time anyway. This just takes the forced, mandatory part out of it....a very good thing. Oh yes....and no more wicked women racing me to the midwife's little home beating me to the birthing tub.
All of that to say, there will be no ultrasound this time around. I think it's easier to swallow since I am so entirely convinced it's a boy. But, as I have said to others, I am completely up for a surprise. It'd be the shock of a lifetime to have a completely morning sickness free pregnancy and then deliver a sweet baby girl. I think it'd be fun for Ivye to have another sister that close in age too since she is a bit swamped by boys. But I dearly love our many boys and will gladly and proudly parent many, many more. If history is any good indication...which it has proven to be so far....this baby is indeed a boy in every regard and Grayson will have his 6 man team.
Saturday, July 04, 2009
Happy 4th of July!!!!!
Our's was made exceptionally fun and really exciting this year by discovering that a new little firecracker of our own has been set off! Due date around March 11th. Happy Birthday, my dear sweet husband!
We just arrived in from spending the weekend out of town for the holiday.....so, much more to come. Life is good. We are blessed!
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