When You Look A Little Bit Like Noah

I conquer the fear of looking just more than a little bit ridiculous and I write. Faith....it's a word that I've struggled with for years. You pray, you believe and then it never happens. If God can move mountains...why doesn't He? If He can heal people...why doesn't He? If He can give you money to cover what you need....then why doesn't He? If He can save a baby...our baby.....why didn't He? WHY did He not protect a little girl in bed that night? Why did it even have to happen to begin with? If He's so omnipotent and omnipresent than where was He that night as I lay down the hallway only feet away, trusting Him for His protection over our children? I think what I have learned in my limited time here learning the deeper things of life and the ways of God....it simply boils down to the fact that it may not be His will. What if He accomplished more through the trials and sufferings than He ever did fixing everything? What if by the sickness of one, one hundred came to Him...or even just one came to Him? Was it not worth the life of the one believing and secure in their knowledge of Him to save the one that would be forever lost? I know more than life itself had we not lost our baby boy that I would not be who I am or where I am right now. There is no doubt in my mind it was not His will for one of our girls to ever live through what they did....but it happened. I dropped the ball....I failed...and I will not sit here and even begin to pretend otherwise. But in the failure and human-ness.....fallible sinful mortal self....He came saving and turned what was meant for evil into rivers of life within our lives. Did it feel like that at the time? Not even remotely. But three years later as I learn daily to hold onto Him, because I know more than anything in life than I am nothing without Him, I know that He is working mightily within our lives. I am nothing without His saving grace. Without Him I am capable of failing so miserably my own children are at stake. Without Him I am capable of screwing up so badly He is the only one that is even remotely capable of fixing what all I have messed up so thoroughly that it looks absolutely hopeless to a world that does not know Him. But with Him I not only survive...I thrive, despite everything I have and am still capable of so messing up. Nothing is beyond Him. In that, I have learned that as long as I am down on my knees and humbled, facing the reality of my wretchedness, He will come saving the moldable, pliable heart. His grace is sufficient. I know every minute of every day that without Him I am nothing, but nothing is beyond the realm of His grace and His mercy, His compassion for me as a person. His lovingkindness (tender  kindness motivated by or expressing affection) overwhelms. He expresses it....daily....to me and to our children. It is evident in our marriage. It is evident by my life and how much I have been given. It is evident by His grace, and when I reach my end at different points throughout my day He is faithful to come giving strength and peace to carry on. I will not lie....this many people in this amount of space is more than a little bit difficult. Compound that with the sheer magnitude and number of things falling apart within the house on a daily basis and it becomes a bit maddening. Enough to make me reach my end long before the day is even close to being over. 

I refocus, breathe, remember what I have here....that we are together and happy. God has been merciful and the expression of His  tender kindness to me is evident so many times throughout my day. So this small trial in life is nothing more than an attitude check....an opportunity to refocus on what really matters. That being said....many times that is so much easier said than done as I reach down to actually turn an absolutely rust covered, corroded, nasty, crapped out pipe below the toilet to achieve running water and let the tank fill so that we may actually flush the great amount of sewage within, as we attempt to treat fleas with no running spigots on the front half of the property, as the plastic tub beneath the sink begins to fill and overflow because everybody forgot to check it and drains run straight into it, as I attempt to change a diaper for the millionth time with a flashlight in the dim light of dusk because the living area is so dark one cannot really see and the chain pull pulled out months ago.  The list could go on. So, as I shine a flashlight on a tiny baby butt I begin to laugh at the absurdity of it all and realize that we are still here and desperately in love with each other. There is a roof over our heads and God is still good.

The overwhelmingly confusing part comes as I contemplate and deeply ponder with analytical head how, if He truly does want to give the best to His children, why He is, at times, a God of bare minimums. So enraged was I one of these difficult days that I began to cry in total frustration and my outage and anger with Him grew. WHY is He a God of bare minimums? If He so desires the best for us, where is He and why are we living in a shit hole? And yep...I said it...while I prayed...or rather, talked....to Him. And believe it or not, this entirely controversial word is not getting me bucked out of heaven or even jeopardizing what He bestows upon us. It's real, people...and I said it....to Him. Because that's the way life works and I'm not even going to act like it doesn't. Facades serve no purpose and it's just where I am as we walk this out. I get a little bit mad...or a lot mad.....and my understanding of Him is so small that it's infuriating at times. I struggled through it all....why have we been brought here to live like this when we were happy and content where we were? We had our dream home. We were supposed to come here to better everything....and this is not better. There was a drought, the FD will never improve, things went wrong in our little paradise. But we even talked of this scenario and if we moved here only to trade locations for the same income....we were happy staying where we were. It was our rural piece of heaven on earth. But we prayed fervently, we sought the Lord in every step we took, we prayed that if this was not where we were supposed to be than He would shut a door...just one...and we would listen. Doors supernaturally opened one after another until we were here...to go jobless 6 entire months, no income, no toothpaste, no idea of where the next meal was coming from and in what seemed to be a God forsaken place far away from friends, family and everything we had ever loved. And now, here we sit with a good paying job in the only profession we've ever known but in a house that is quite claustrophobic and falling apart.....and I dream of home and battle the feelings of serving a God of bare minimums. So claustrophobic is it that we have refrained from purchasing a couch because I cannot even begin to imagine putting a piece of furniture that large in a space we already fill without it. 8 active children, all under 7, all with energy to spare. Our needs are met, they without fail are always met, but there is never anything more. No abundance. So where does the verse come into play...."Give and it will be given to you, pressed down, shaken together, running over."? The Bible is filled with promises of an abundant God longing to bless His children. Sooooo......we're here, Lord...living with a landlord that yells from his next door deck what children are and are not to be doing. A landlord that never. goes. away. A shower door that's bottom half swings to and fro freely as screws were stripped years ago.

I stood changing baby in the warm white glow of flashlight and tears flowed. Bare minimum. Why is it always bare minimum? Our life is riddled with the amazing stories of how He has provided time and again....but always, like manna.....bare minimum, living in faith and being provided with only what we need for the present moment. No more, no less. In the quiet he came speaking, "Have I not always blessed you for your faithfulness to me? Have I not always  brought you out of the testing and given abundantly to you? Reward for how closely you cling through the fire?" Tears flowed and I looked back at our life. A life of being abundantly blessed after coming through it all....pressed down, shaken together and running over.


So, faith. It brings us to this. What is it? I don't even fully understand it...not really even a little. Why do people believe and the crap doesn't happen? In my limited, elementary knowledge I am learning to believe ...quite strongly I might add...but trust, just as we did in making the journey 1700 miles east, that He knows absolutely everything praying husband and I cannot know. So as we believe in faith we also take comfort that He will protect us from what we cannot see. And if what we are believing  for has dangers and snares we cannot see with mortal eyes than He is faithful to save. Faith is trusting  for what we believe He can do but knowing that our limited vision never entirely sees the whole picture. He does indeed, without doubt in my mind, have our best interest at heart, but more importantly, His greater glory. And isn't that what we're here for...to be testimonies of His grace, His existence?

If supernaturally giving us a home here will bring him glory than I have no doubt that He is not only capable but that He will make it happen. So, with that in mind we take bold steps and believe for His provision when common sense and reality say it is not possible. Like, not even a little. And He begins to show up in extraordinary ways when His people begin to pray. The more we have prayed the more doors He has begun to open....but I remain cautious and know at any point in here He has the ability to slam them shut also. We have no ability to buy a house here....for many years. But I serve a God that can overcome. Will He? Who knows. But I am willing to believe and have faith that if we stand in agreement and pray that He listens to the prayers of His people. And if it will bring Him glory and serve a purpose within our life He not only can...but will....accomplish this "impossible" feat. As a crazy step of faith children and I drove to property and anointed threshold with oil, 10 little hands all touching massive wood door and being taught the absolute meaning of faith. Dark cloudy skies had been silent but as we prayed and called out to a living God thunder vibrated the earth beneath us. Children laughed as they learn that this God we serve lives, breathes, listens, and acts on behalf of those that serve Him. As we continued to pray thunder begin to roll continuously through the heavens and rain begin to fall. I thanked Him for showing up in such a timely manner....as my time and His don't ever usually coincide with each other.  We made the 12 mile drive home. As we meandered through green hills dotted with houses, white fences and horses, rainbow promise stretched across sky. And I felt a little bit like Noah....talking to a God that listens, speaks and promises His faithfulness to His people. Overwhelming peace that even if it is not this specific place, He knows, He hears, He speaks and He acts on behalf of those who seek Him. I believe He can, I have faith that He can do anything, and I know that if it is not this place He will get us to where we are going and is faithful to give the desires of one's heart to those that seek Him....desires being  utter contentment in whatever circumstances we occupy. H ewill come granting contentment...whether that be staying where we are and giving grace to survive it or granting us our deepest longings for a home here. As I wait I learn contentment right where I am and develop the ability to grow grateful for what I already have extravagantly been given.


Husband and I return daily to walk the property buried deep into the woods, praying it into existence within our life. As we prayed just yesterday small truck turns into drive. We sigh, moan and gripe a little over intruders. We follow footpaths deep into forest and disappear from sight for privacy, continuing to pray. Eventually we reemerge and thick accented Australian man greets us on deck asking us if we'd like to have a look within. He continues to tell us everything about the property and the history...every unanswered question we ever had after viewing it with the realtor 2 weeks ago. Knowledgeable in every aspect, he tells of how to make the few necessary repairs it needs, and how to go about the auction process. The house will be auctioned off June 24th....built by a childless couple not far from the property itself. She saw the sheer magnitude of the home once built and told construction husband she would never live there...too much house for anyone. This house has been deemed seller unfriendly due to location on rural gravel road, distance from town (a whopping 14 miles) and size of home seeming cold, unfriendly and non-functional for the average family. Valued at over 500,000 it is set to be auctioned off with a reasonable going price of 160,000. And while I know that it seems absolutely ludicrous to believe for this while we are absolutely, completely incapable of ever buying a home here for years I also serve a God that owns the cattle on a thousand hills and nothing is impossible when He is fighting for us. If our God is for us who can be against us? Kind Australian man educates and explains that we may be the only people or one of two with a true interest in the property. Others are there to just mingle and view the process. Given the above factors we may very well be the only ones truly interested. We shake hands, he gives us a card for any further questions and/or help through the process and we drive away. And I wonder why. Why would He speak thunder as we pray, send grace that falls like rain, orchestrate such a meeting day after day....other than in answer to prayers already being prayed. Husband and I exchange looks and I see him struggling silently with every question running through my head also.

We continue the curvy drive home through hills and trees and green and I just feel a little bit like Noah.....building an ark in a desert. Just a little bit like the Israelites standing there looking at a sea of red water with no where to go but confidently knowing He would act on their behalf...and He did. It's impossible to please God apart from faith. And why? Because anyone who wants to approach  God must believe both that He exists and that he cares enough to respond to those that seek Him. Do I know this house is going to happen? No. But what I do believe is that He is more than capable and I know that He does love us enough to respond. And if it's not now...not this....that He has something in mind that is just as wonderful, just as amazing, and just as much of a miracle as this. He is not a God of bare minimums. And so we, as a family, stand in faith that this house is ours. We pray it into existence within our life. June 24th it goes to auction for a fraction of what it is worth. I have every faith, deep abiding faith, that He can provide and He will if it will bring Him glory and be a testament of His existence to those that watch or life...those standing in disbelief. I have every faith that He will if it will grow husband and I more into His image. But if He doesn't...if He doesn't.....I still believe in the unseen and I know that He is faithful to fulfill promises....promises stretched brightly across the sky in hues of red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, and pink.

Faith in What We Don't See

 The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see. The act of faith is what distinguished our ancestors, set them above the crowd.

 By faith, we see the world called into existence by God's word, what we see created by what we don't see.

 By an act of faith, Abel brought a better sacrifice to God than Cain. It was what he believed, not what he brought, that made the difference. That's what God noticed and approved as righteous. After all these centuries, that belief continues to catch our notice.

By an act of faith, Enoch skipped death completely. "They looked all over and couldn't find him because God had taken him." We know on the basis of reliable testimony that before he was taken "he pleased God." It's impossible to please God apart from faith. And why? Because anyone who wants to approach God must believe both that he exists and that he cares enough to respond to those who seek him.

 By faith, Noah built a ship in the middle of dry land. He was warned about something he couldn't see, and acted on what he was told. The result? His family was saved. His act of faith drew a sharp line between the evil of the unbelieving world and the rightness of the believing world. As a result, Noah became intimate with God.

 By an act of faith, Abraham said yes to God's call to travel to an unknown place that would become his home. When he left he had no idea where he was going. By an act of faith he lived in the country promised him, lived as a stranger camping in tents. Isaac and Jacob did the same, living under the same promise. Abraham did it by keeping his eye on an unseen city with real, eternal foundations—the City designed and built by God.

 By faith, barren Sarah was able to become pregnant, old woman as she was at the time, because she believed the One who made a promise would do what he said. That's how it happened that from one man's dead and shriveled loins there are now people numbering into the millions.

 Each one of these people of faith died not yet having in hand what was promised, but still believing. How did they do it? They saw it way off in the distance, waved their greeting, and accepted the fact that they were transients in this world. People who live this way make it plain that they are looking for their true home. If they were homesick for the old country, they could have gone back any time they wanted. But they were after a far better country than that—heaven country. You can see why God is so proud of them, and has a City waiting for them.

 By faith, Abraham, at the time of testing, offered Isaac back to God. Acting in faith, he was as ready to return the promised son, his only son, as he had been to receive him—and this after he had already been told, "Your descendants shall come from Isaac." Abraham figured that if God wanted to, he could raise the dead. In a sense, that's what happened when he received Isaac back, alive from off the altar.

 By an act of faith, Isaac reached into the future as he blessed Jacob and Esau.

By an act of faith, Jacob on his deathbed blessed each of Joseph's sons in turn, blessing them with God's blessing, not his own—as he bowed worshipfully upon his staff.

 By an act of faith, Joseph, while dying, prophesied the exodus of Israel, and made arrangements for his own burial.

 By an act of faith, Moses' parents hid him away for three months after his birth. They saw the child's beauty, and they braved the king's decree.

 By faith, Moses, when grown, refused the privileges of the Egyptian royal house. He chose a hard life with God's people rather than an opportunistic soft life of sin with the oppressors. He valued suffering in the Messiah's camp far greater than Egyptian wealth because he was looking ahead, anticipating the payoff. By an act of faith, he turned his heel on Egypt, indifferent to the king's blind rage. He had his eye on the One no eye can see, and kept right on going. By an act of faith, he kept the Passover Feast and sprinkled Passover blood on each house so that the destroyer of the firstborn wouldn't touch them.

 By an act of faith, Israel walked through the Red Sea on dry ground. The Egyptians tried it and drowned
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 By faith, the Israelites marched around the walls of Jericho for seven days, and the walls fell flat.

 By an act of faith, Rahab, the Jericho harlot, welcomed the spies and escaped the destruction that came on those who refused to trust God.

 I could go on and on, but I've run out of time. There are so many more— Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel, the prophets....Through acts of faith, they toppled kingdoms, made justice work, took the promises for themselves. They were protected from lions, fires, and sword thrusts, turned disadvantage to advantage, won battles, routed alien armies. Women received their loved ones back from the dead. There were those who, under torture, refused to give in and go free, preferring something better: resurrection. Others braved abuse and whips, and, yes, chains and dungeons. We have stories of those who were stoned, sawed in two, murdered in cold blood; stories of vagrants wandering the earth in animal skins, homeless, friendless, powerless—the world didn't deserve them!—making their way as best they could on the cruel edges of the world.

 Not one of these people, even though their lives of faith were exemplary, got their hands on what was promised. God had a better plan for us: that their faith and our faith would come together to make one completed whole, their lives of faith not complete apart from ours.

So it is that we pray and believe in faith that He will come working on our behalf when all common sense and reality says it is not possible. Nothing is impossible with the God I serve. So we daily make our drive and walk around property much like Joshua marched around Jericho in faith that God would act. We stand on the threshold, that we believe in faith, is ours....and we pray....in everything giving thanks.