.....would be me. And I should clarify that that's not exactly my butt crack showing there but it's about what I feel like so I figure it only did this topic justice. I now, without any professional training or plumbing classes in my pocket, am quite certain I qualify as your newest plumbing resource. And might I say, it is more experience in the industry than I ever wanted to have in my entire life. In fact, I have become so proficient at it that I now am training my children in the ways of plumberhood. In the last 3 weeks I have safely and not so safely....or sanitarily....fished out entire pieces of pizza, the entire contents of a can of raisins, numerous rolls of toilet paper, army men, pieces of board games, marbles, chapstick, plastic spoons, not so plastic forks, race cars, a toothbrush or two...one of those would be sweet, hardworking husband's but if I don't say he's none the wiser for it. Along with this merry little array of toilet bound items was what must have been the entire collection of tacks falling like rain out of the ceiling that were attempting to hold up a blanket fort around the top bunk. Of course, they were merrily transported and unceremoniously dumped into the already floating circus happening within the poop bowl. Oh yes....little and not so little glow in the dark stars that are now losing their grip on the wall were among the fished out contraband. Below the floating circus up top lay the sunken treasures of the deep. Now any good person knows no one in their right mind would try to flush this stuff down so the only real way to solve the problem.....start fishing. And why everyone feels so entirely obligated to poop on top of this watery fiasco I have no clue in the least but apparently they all feel the need to go add to it....or at least try to sink those items which float. I think lots of little boys just can't resist the game of trying to bomb the targets....or something to that effect.
My 3rd week into this as I am fishing out crap...not literally....well, literally I was fishing around crap....I began to envision owning one of the toilets in those ever convincing commercials. Those flush and go toilets that people promise will flush a beach ball along with just about anything else you ever imagined flushing.....plus some more.....all at the same time. I, in my ignorance, just figured these golden toilets were discreetly advertising the ability to flush turds the size of small dogs but am now much wiser after my weeks of toilet fishing experience. These toilets are really made for the parents of young children....the children that somehow think it is hysterically funny to throw crap...and not the bodily kind....into the toilet. If I could manage to convince this same little girl of pooping in it as much as she throws crap in it I think I'd save myself a whole lot of time, energy and effort that is currently being spent on toilets these days.
So, I was just throwing the long handled spoons away after each commode dipping session. With my limited range of brain function I couldn't imagine ever having to stick that same spoon back into a pot of soup. Somehow I can manage to cloth diaper and rewash the same pooped in diaper over and again but could not ever even begin to imagine having to stick the poop spoon back into the kitchen rotation. But as I started to run out of long handled kitchen spoons I began to see I had a slight problem going. After numerous trips to the dollar store to buy yet more long handled spoons I finally wised up a little. We now have a designated "toilet spoon" that is conveniently stored with the toilet scrubbers in the bathroom. So lovely. And let it be known that raisins, army men and some choice board game pieces will float....but soggy pieces of pizza, marbles, race cars and Monopoly pieces definitely do not. Plastic spoons float.....the real kinds don't. And in fact...the real kinds actually fall down into the flush hole so that it makes for some true deep water mining experiences. And if one throws enough new rolls of toilet paper in there they have the amazing ability to suck up ALL of the water within the toilet.
Along those same plumbing lines...that whole little replacing the pipe below the sink thing...yep, it gave me the courage to conquer yet more bathroom projects. I have now successfully plunged 3 toilets, 2 sinks and 1 bathtub and a shower. And let it be known that if everyone just used a plunger on their bathroom problems Drano would go bankrupt by week's end. Plunging is quite the safe, non toxic, dirt cheap, non life threatening way to solve all of your bathroom problems that you currently have or might ever have. I have become so entirely proficient at plunging that I have begun to apply it to other areas of my life as well. When the little bulb sucker just won't work on congested children all it takes is a good plunge or two and they'll be clear for weeks. Constipated kids?....yep, works on them too. Neighbor dogs that won't shut up at night?....just suck their face right up and they're cured. Deer dents in the side of vehicles?.....just plunge them right out. Cat stuck in between the washing machine and wall?....just sucks em right up. I even took to plunging the sink pipe embedded in the wall since nothing else seems to unclog it. I still have to put it back together to figure out if it worked on that one....but given my success with it in every other area I am quite certain desired results have been achieved there as well.
Quite thrilled with my new level of bathroom skills I began to look for things in the bathroom that needed fixing. One of the most noticeable was a need for new seats for the toilets. I think I've pretty much scrubbed the finish off the ones we had so on our date night Brad and I went to Lowe's and picked up some new toilet seats. Romantic, huh??? With Daddy having come in this past weekend, Mother coming in 2 weeks and then out of town friends coming the week after I figured we'd do them all a favor and at least replace commode seats. It wouldn't have been quite the issue if one wasn't apt to being jet propelled off of the broken seat and dumped ever so gracefully onto the floor at lightening force speeds. So I figure all of life is school and a teaching experience waiting to happen so as I went to work on the seat I quickly called in the child that happened to be nearest at the moment. Poor Evye was pretty much convinced that she was at the wrong place at the wrong time....but I figure females obviously need to know how to do this crap too so she might as well learn early. So, off to work she went installing her 1st toilet seat ever...which I'm sure will only be the first of many in her lifetime....cause I don't plan on changing many more of them.
Next up.....replacing all of the pipes under all sinks and probably knocking out a shower wall or two and replacing those pipes as well. Then I think I'm going to get Brad to blowtorch us in some Vortex from floor to ceiling so that the entire bathroom will be waterproofed. But in order to just hose a kid down in the middle of a waterproofed bathroom there needs to be some drainage going on so tomorrow I may take an axe to the floor and create drainage. We seem to be in need of it anyway due to little kids preferring more bath water on the floor than in the actual tub they occupy. The axe thing is sounding a bit therapeutic so I'm thinking that'll take priority tomorrow. And seeing as how every towel rack, bar and handle along with every toilet paper roll holder has either been ripped out of the wall by trapeze loving children or disassembled by tinkering little boys.....or tinkering BIG boys that have grand plans for bathrooms but never quite manage to see their dream to completion .....I think I'll just go hammer me in some racks, bars and holders while I'm at it.
Yes.....I think I'm becoming quite the home repair man between my experience in plumbing, handymanning and remodeling.
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