For the Glory of It All

Year's end. Cold quiet as husband breathes rhythmically beside me. House silent for the night. I ponder once more all of life....what it is, where we have come from, where it is we are going, what we have overcome in the last 365 days of our life...what the next 365 may hold. For unknown reasons to me I once again fight off sadness, the disappointment of the should've been's....the what would've been's. Weighted heart sinks low, deep sigh in and out. Still I would not trade it but still I wish it were all different. Why, when this is all over and all of life is beginning anew, do I still feel it all....do I still linger in the grief? Honest question posed in soft voice to sleepy husband minutes before slumber comes stealing him away, "Why do I do this? What is it that makes me feel like this and how do I change it all...make myself feel differently? Why, when a new year is beginning, do I feel all the loss of the last?" No closer to an answer for me than he has been in the last six months sleepy husband mutters something about how he has no answers and was, just as quickly, sleeping peacefully. My ever active, analytical mind continued on despite his mental absence from the short lived conversation. Like a slideshow the past year floated through my mind. And once again tears welled..spilled down cheeks until the now familiar river flowed. And I came to the conclusion once more that life just hurts. My new motto plays back through my head..."In the pain I grow". The anger lives on to some degree for reasons I cannot explain. I'm happy with not being pregnant. I can run and I finally feel normal again. So why it still fuels an angrily burning fire when I hear of other's pregnancies or they speak of it is still quite the mystery to my own self. Why the all consuming ache when I hear of other's successful adoptions? Why do I think of heat or feel heat and associate it with violation of summer night? Why do I feel the loss of relationship when I continue to go back only to have the same end result? Why do I grieve when God has done so very much and blessed us with meaningful relationships and people that have become family to us? Deep life altering events...all of them...playing out like charades over the past year.

So I lie there. Tears flow from under closed eyes. No longer filled with the wonder of the why's I finally see that the passing days have brought about a contentedness to just accept life for what it is. I know why..or at least in some microscopic portion can envision the why of it all....plans God has for us and the shaping this has brought about in our life. Passion, fury, joy, rage, blessed, grief, peace, pain, friendship, anguish, comfort...all emotions that have been experienced to such greater depths...that allowed me to discover how alive I really am. Emotions that awaken the soul so that I may be brought to a place in which I can fully identify with Who it is I serve and how I am to serve, where I am to serve. In the learning, the training, the living, we suffer so that we may live for the glory of it all.

Dim red numbers read 12:01 am. Raw emotion washes away the disappointment, the pain, the hurt, the anger, of the last year as the new year is ushered in. I welcome it in total and utter humility, a much different person than I was 365 days ago. Quiet sober joy comes strangely crawling in as I embrace newness through tears...despite my tears. Focus gently shifts to what lay ahead. Momentarily my fearful heart wonders just how long the sadness will last...how much more loss there is to endure before we reach the end. Controlling heart holds tight to my beloved life...my husband who sees beyond everything that I am and continues to love me unconditionally for all that I am and my 8 amazing children that bless me with their love and their behaviour, their budding friendships as they mature....and I wonder how I would live without any of them. Today is fleeting and tomorrow is never promised to me. I wonder what the future holds. Once again I am reminded that I am only given the grace for what I live today and I have been saturated with mercy and grace over the last year of my life. And I learn to lay it all down...again. Staring into darkness I focus on the sober joy that lies within....joy wrapped in lingering ache. Slowly, adventurous heart cannot help but feel excitement over the unknown....slow beat of sadness giving in to the faster pace of unlived adventures...lands unseen, places untraveled, people already in our lives dearly loved and held close, people we still have yet to meet that will fill our lives to even greater depths, experiences of all of life.

Tears subside. I stare at purple moonlit walls. I want to be a better person for all of this. I will be a better person for all of this. I am a soldier in training...increasing my strength and endurance for what lies ahead.....for this journey I am on, it is not for the weak of heart. And in the morning I will run...I will push through because I know in the pushing through that I become everything I want to be, everything I never was that I am now, everything I will become. There is a strength in me that I never knew existed. God has awakened the sleeping giant within my own soul and through me He has the ability to move mountains and accomplish things in places where others will not dare tread because they have not enough strength or endurance to carry out what He requires of His chosen.

Oh Lord God, use me, break me, shape me, mold me. Make me your's. Oh God make me one with you! My heart cries to you and it sings a new song. A song of grief, a song of hope. A song that only you understand. You've redeemed me. I have done so much. I have failed so miserably. You have rescued me in all of my misery...in all of my failure. My heart longs for you more than I can ever convey. I need you. I want you. I want to be everything that you have created me to be...all of the potential.....fulfill it Lord, bring it to fruition. Create an awareness in me for you....bring me to a place where I can no longer stand within your presence. You are God and I praise you. You are the creator of life and I worship you. You are my everything. I have no need of anything else because I have you. Break me. Use me. I am here. Do you hear me? I surrender all to you. It is your's...all your's God. You have my heart. You have my devotion. I am your's. You reign. Forever your kingdom reigns. You give and you take away. I fall to my knees and I say that you are the king of heaven and earth....the king of the people and you will come back for the ones who love you...who have chosen to acknowledge you in all of their ways. You are God and you do love me. You have not abandoned or forsaken me in any way. You have made your way known to me. You have loved me enough to refine me. Do you hear me???? I am your's. I am all your's. I surrender all.

I feel you now. I feel your presence. I feel your peace. I feel your comfort. You are here and you do hear me. You are God and I praise you. You are God and you come and wrap me within your presence. Your Spirit is here and it is all consuming. You are God of everything yet you come to me...you hear me...you pay heed to me...you notice me yet I am not worthy of notice. I feel you now. You presence is like a blanket. You are here touching me. I cannot deny you God. I cannot deny who you are....cannot deny your Spirit...cannot deny your presence. You are here and I feel you. God you are good. So very good to me. I feel you now.

"I need words as wide as sky. I need language as large as this longing inside. I need a voice bigger than mine and I need a song to sing you that I've yet to find. I need you. I need you to be here now. I need you to hear me now."


After night comes the dawn. Dawn is here. It's a new day. Everything will change, things will never be the same.

I will never be the same.
I will live for the glory of it all.
Beginning.....again. For you. For the glory of it all.


In quotes: lyrics of I Need Words and For the Glory of It All by David Crowder Band