Missing Mother

Here it is late in the morning on a Sunday and I find myself missing Mother....so much so that we opted out of church this morning. I had no desire to go sit there and have realization sink in even farther than it has as we do our every Sunday routine without her here now. Usually Sundays consists of meeting her on the way, grabbing coffee and then doing church together and afterwards, of course, the weekly meal out at Dairy Queen. There's a sort of heaviness now that did not exist all the days up until now. I suppose reality set in that she has officially moved. We all know this is exactly where we all need to be and the Lord has each one of us exactly at the place in life where He wants us at this moment. It still does not make it any more fun that she is not here. We did absolutely everything together. I suppose in some regard it is easier to deal with since she is finally somewhere that will actually pay her enough so that she can live, and Brad and I both know that where we are in life is only an interim period and we will eventually move on from here and this part of TX. It is almost an isolated feeling here now that did not exist before. Being the town outcast, since we go against every current that ever existed, there is a feeling of being cut off that pervades. Now with Mother gone it seems as though the motivation for staying here has dwindled. Maybe because Brad and I both know that our time here is coming to an end, maybe because we thought this was permanent and the Lord had very different plans and is changing our direction yet again, maybe because the church we have been led to has become family only to have the Lord moving them on also. Maybe a lot of things. But it boils down to a sadness for now. Once again having to deal with goodbyes and being away from someone I love so much.



The only thing left worth staying for now is the incredible group of homeschooling families we are now surrounded by. I have come to love what we have been so blessed with in such an intimate group. Fort Worth was saturated with large homeschooling families.....so much so that it almost became difficult to be an active part and have close friends due to the sheer size of it. But here it is a true support system that knows and cares for each other deeply. I will miss that. Despite their wonderful families and the people here I have come to love there is still a restlessness, a feeling that the cloud is moving. It stayed for a time and now it is on the move once again. I wonder if the cloud ever stayed an entire year in one place for the Israelites.



Neither Brad or myself really know where we are to go from here but we know God is definitely on the move and propelling us forward into other areas of our lives and different places. I think both of us are just now starting to fully understand and embrace the words and prophesies that were spoken over us as we ventured into our marriage. The words "missionaries", "travelers" and "sojourners" had quite a different meaning than we ever foresaw....but something in life we no longer fight or try to hinder and waylay. It is something we are learning to fully embrace and actually come to love in every way. The daunting unknown and the insecurity of seeming instability has transformed throughout the years of our intense Spiritual growth into an excitement of the adventure and an allure of all places unknown. The new, still undiscovered places of where God will lead us and how He will use us. What seems to the world, and even our own relatives, as being in a constant state of upheaval and never being settled has actually been revealed as the Lord intricately leading every one of our every steps and taking us to a new depth and a new place...... quite literally at times.......in Him. It is a calling that has been placed on our lives that no one knew existed, even ourselves at times......or that everyone chose to overlook, casting superficial judgement instead......up until now. Some still remain standing with skepticism and still cast judgements and continue to see Brad as continually searching for himself yet others have come to see in us what we have finally come to terms with. Nothing in life is permanent. To hold on so tightly to an idea or a place in time, out of fear that it will be lost, is only to create an inevitable heartache that was never supposed to exist. The Lord is calling His people to be at a place in life where they are willing to drop absolutely everything and follow Him. Those who see us as shallowly drifting have ceased to see the amazing mighty work of God in the life of our family......and more specifically, the life of Brad, one of the strongest, most stouthearted of all of His servants willing to follow the Lord at the expense of his own reputation. He still amazes me with his ability to walk in places and let opinions cease to affect him, to continue on knowing that we do not answer to man but to a God whose ways are higher than our ways and whose thoughts our thoughts. A God so much bigger than the criticism and judgements of mankind. No longer do we search for ourselves in who we are in life, or in Christ, but we wait with anticipation for the instructions of an Almighty God who has a very explicit plan for our lives and the life of our family, the very plan that will mold and shape these little lives that have been entrusted to us to raise, the lives of our children. We know the direction yet we do not know the place or the time we will arrive.

But in the meantime, as we sit and wait with expectancy of our next destination, it is heartwrenching to have to let go of what we had during this period. The joy that spilled over that resulted from having Mother, for such a short time, so incredibly close in every way.

I miss her. The convoy of moving vehicles entered our driveway yesterday on their way out of town and I guess it really started to hit that this was it. Maybe I just suppressed it up until this point. Who knows. I just know that it hurts at this point and I've lost the motivation to go anywhere or do anything for now. It seems a bit contradictory to say I am so down as we await with such excitement to experience the new place in life that God is sending us and what He has in store for both Mother and our family. How is it possible to experience such vast emotions at the same time and to have such contradiction within myself.........missing her and mourning the change I am embracing.