Unbelievably 4

It seems like they should still be 2. Brad and I were talking yesterday and somehow it just seems like they will forever be 2. They are definitely 4 now in every way but something about them...their pregnancy and birth remain so vivid and they remain so little to me. Having the 2 of them is still one of the most amazing things in life to me. It surpasses almost all this life has had to offer. They never cease to amaze me and the miracle and blessing of the 2 of them is still so new to me each and everyday.

Happy Birth Day Boys!

We all had a good laugh this past week when we overheard the 2 of them fighting over whose birthday it is. We have never made a big deal over their twinship and never really brought it up. So, I figured it was time they learned just why they shared their birthday so we spent the rest of the week discussing how special God made them and how God put 2 babies in my tummy when they were in there. Although Grant did get a little perturbed when he learned that Garrison came out first. Today I asked Grant, "Who's your twin?" He jumped up and down and said "Garrison!" I turned to Garrison and asked him, "Who's your twin?" He threw his arms around Grant and squeezed him in a 4 year old rough and tumble bearhug. As they fell to the floor he said over their fits of laughter, "Grant!" Pretty sweet.

We are so blessed.

1 year

2 years

3 years

Love You Forever

We hosted the family birthday party here at our home yesterday. As always, that has to be the highlight of the year around here for everybody. There is nothing in the world like packing 26 people that you love more than life itself into your humble house. More on that later...with some pics. But among the gifts received was this little children's book from Daddy with a letter explaining what it meant to him. I have seen this book many times when passing it by in stores or even sitting around in different waiting rooms of offices. Honestly, I just thought it was a little book on potty training, given the picture on the cover, and never gave it much thought. I laughed at the whimsical gift when opened and was told to read the letter later. In bed, much later that night, I retrieved the card and read the letter it held inside and my interest was peaked by his words. I picked up the book that lay beside me in the bed and read it while Brad was in the shower. It only took a few pages into it when tears became uncontrollable. I sought to blame it on being overly emotional with this pregnancy and fought off the embarrassment that was creeping in. On the first 4 pages my mind passed over each and every one of my sweet growing babies and the nights I have rocked them back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Their faces passed before my mind and heart. But as I came to the page of the 9 year old boy the tears poured. I saw sweet baby Grayson and how much he has grown and grown and grown. The words rang true to my heart as I read how this 9 year old boy never wanted to come in for dinner, never wanted to take a bath and I thought of his independence and humor and how big it had grown from that little baby not so long ago. I turned the page and I read my heart in this little tiny children's book. How the mother quietly opened the door to his room and looked up over the side of the bed. "If he was really asleep she picked up that nine year old boy and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she rocked him she sang......"

I know my own frustrations so often felt by this growing boy but I know the love so deep, so endearing, so lifelong, for this growing boy. I see in him the sweet baby I rocked not so long ago and the boy that is still so very there....so boyish yet so grown with his collection of frogs, geckos, snakes, guns, knives, rocks and his deep love of the outside, solving any and all problems and trouble shooting the world. My arms ached to hold his 10 year old body and rock him and tell him just how very much I love him and how I will always be his mother, my love as enduring as the day I rocked his tiny body for the 1st time.

I saw Garrison, Grant, Garrett and Gavin and how quickly they are following in Grayson's growing footsteps. I saw Garrison's and Grant's long gangly little bodies, just mere days away from being 4 years old. It seems like just only a mater of mere months ago I was holding and nursing 2 sweet babies and watching them do everything for the 1st time. I see their baby pictures around me and it seems like they should still be so little. I hear them talk and their animated stories of all of life. I see their independence and I hold onto them, hug them and shower them with kisses because I know, more now than ever, that time is a cruel thing. In only a matter of time each of these boys will be that 9 year old boy in the book.....those boys that I sneak in and hold at night.

I watch Evye and Aubrey dance around the room in their long flowy dresses in their carefree state. I see their total lack of inhibition and their innocence as their soft girly hair blows. It seems like a still image caught in a freeze frame in my mind. Will I remember this moment the rest of my life? Will I remember their twirling dresses and their girlhood laughter as they change and make their way into womanhood, not so very far around that ticking clock's corner? I watched Aubrey run in total freedom and childhood glee across the yard of Nanny's and Pawpaw's. Blond hair blowing behind her, orange summer dress running through the dark summer green grass. I am taken with her beauty and her absolute love of life and the innocence of it all. I am in awe that these 2 girls dancing and running around were so freely given to me. Sometimes I find it hard to believe I gave birth to these 2 girls, so beautiful and so feminine. I find myself inadvertently thumbing through the pages of my mind and repeating the lyrics to the song "Cinderella". The words, now so well known, ring no less true with Brad or me. I see our 2 girls as they sway and dance and the song play out in my head and life as the time passes too swiftly. Again, tears well.

I stand in awe of these beautiful children that I hold. I think it is harder with the 1st ones because you truly begin to understand how fast the clock ticks away the minutes, hours, years, decades. It is a realization of letting time sift through your fingers like sand while still all the while taking in, absorbing and cherishing absolutely every minute of the present. It is so hard sometimes to carry that out in life with the busyness of life, attitudes and character still needing to be taught and instilled into these precious lives, and the everyday chaos that goes along with raising children......be it 1 or 8 or 20. But I hold onto these moments in time, knowing that it is not my desire for them to remain little but to watch them grow into God fearing men and women capable of changing the world and making their impact upon it. But I hold onto this time knowing it is so fleeting. These little hands that bring in bouquets of flowers, small little voices that sing- song the words "I love you, Mama". Bare muddy little feet tracking their way through the house and baby toys strung out all along the most traveled paths. Little shoes laying about in constant need of finding their companion and their designated place in the closet.

When I closed the book with tears still flowing freely I made my way to their room where they all slept peacefully. I tried to wake Grayson to whisper how much I love him but his sleep was deep and continued on undisturbed, despite my efforts. I kissed him on his forehead and gently ran my fingers through his hair, remembering what it was to place my hand over his huge round baby head. His face so still and so peaceful in his deep nighttime slumber looked so much like that baby I held 10 short years ago. I then made my way to Garrison and Grant and kissed each of them softly on their heads and gently stroked their faces. Garrison smiled in his sleep and Grant moved closer to Garrison as I whispered how very much I love them. Aubrey looked like a sleeping china doll with her gently closed eyes and hair brushed away from her face, her perfectly pink cheeks and rosy little lips. I kissed her head and whispered the same words to her. Garrett, sleeping peacefully below her on his bottom bunk, still looked like a baby with his Bessie Pease Gutman chubbiness and huge round head covered in thick white-blond hair. His chubby cheeks were so kissable and his stout little body so perfect. Next was Evye who slept in her big white tall bed. She looked so long and tall and feminine, so very pretty and elegant in her sleep, and I could for a moment see what she will be when she is 20. I whispered the same words of love into her ear as she continued to sleep in peace in the quiet of the room. And then I left them to continue on in their sleep as they grow and change as the minutes pass by. I stopped at Gavin's door to listen for any noise and wanting a reason to rock and hold him but he slept on. Knowing Brad was waiting on me I left Gavin's bedroom door and quietly tip-toed back to my own bed to try and embrace these sweet moments in life. These nights that all of our children are still young, and still just a short walk down the hallway from us. And I looked forward to the morning when I could awake to their clatter and noise of morning activity and know that they are all here with me for this time in life.

Time is so very short and the years pass so fast. So, I hold my 10 year old boy and sing:

"I'll love you forever,

I'll like you for always,

As long as I'm living

my baby you'll be."

30 Week Milestone

Your baby's about 15.7 inches long now, and she weighs almost 3 pounds (like a head of cabbage). A pint and a half of amniotic fluid surrounds her, but that volume will decrease as she gets bigger and takes up more room in your uterus. Her eyesight continues to develop, though it's not very keen; even after she's born, she'll keep her eyes closed for a good part of the day. When she does open them, she'll respond to changes in light but will have 20/400 vision — which means she can only make out objects a few inches from her face. (Normal adult vision is 20/20.) Info and picture taken from babycenter.com.

So...here we are. I find it very difficult to believe there are only 10 wks remaining. I looked up in the chaos, fun and commotion that his time of year always brings with 19 birthdays in only 3 wks, hosting the huge, family, everybody-birthday-party bash and the beginning of a new school year, not to mention the chicks and goat experiences and then potty training Garrett. Then when you add the back and forth trips to Fort Worth time just seems to slip away unnoticed. Though it makes this pregnancy go by so entirely fast I also lament what that means as the children grow. These days are so fleeting and they grow so fast. What it would be to slow time for just awhile......just to hold them a little longer.

As my pregnancies progress I always have specific milestones that catch my attention as the time passes. Usually they are the 12 wk, 20 wk(1/2 way), 30 wk and then 36 wk. marks. So, here we are with only 10 more weeks before we welcome Baby Ivye into our arms and home and behold just what exactly God has been working on and fashioning these last 30 wks. of our lives.

Look Who's in Underwear!

Alright......so I have to say that potty training has been one of my least favorite things to do in parenting. Put honestly......it's just a pain in the butt. And, admittedly, I never feel very good at it. There's some stuff in parenting I feel pretty apt at and others where I just feel clueless. I feel like I finally have the house in complete order....on most days.......closets are minimized, organized and functional, chores stay done, bathrooms stay clean and the house itself is orderly with everything having a place and everything in its place....usually. Just don't come over on a rainy day. For the most part the children live outside making it easy to live simply and without too much clutter. I have made a grand attempt and one I think which was pretty successful at not becoming overrun by "stuff"......ie, toys, collectibles, things sitting around taking up space that prove to have no real purpose. I have found that I do not have to be surrounded by the beauty of "stuff" since I am surrounded by the beauty of life itself and the life that a husband, children, life itself , love and laughter bring to a home. Some may find this extreme, as everyone loves to decorate and have "homey" homes. I have found that for us having a homey manageable home is filling it up with children and not stuff. I can't handle trying to maintain both. So, I have come to love where the Lord has taken me on that journey and finally feel in control of our home. A good thing.

So, on to potty training...........one of the areas I have felt more than a bit clueless at since each and every child is so vastly different. But as we have continued to add to our family I have found that there are areas I have become so much more chilled out in. I love the place we are now in. I dearly love what I learned with my first few children but I dearly love the place to which we have been brought with the addition of so many more. Things I found that I felt obligated to harshly enforce in my older one in the younger days I no longer feel so dogmatic about with the younger ones. One of those many things consists of the whole potty training mentality. I have discovered that when left alone a child, at least so far of those that we have had....making 6 now, come to a place at around 2 1/2 that naturally lends itself to potty training. And the more we have the easier it gets. I think they see the older ones using the toilet 104 times a day and it is a coming of age, of sorts, for the little ones. I begin at about age 2 sitting them on the toilet before bath time. This is just in an effort to overcome any fear that may exist of the huge wide mouthed watery bowl swallowing them whole. Of course, they have all been different and some, like Grayson, actually were completely potty trained at the age of 19 months...who said boys were harder?????........and then ranging to those that have been between 2 1/2 and 3..more on the 2 1/2 side of it but still over the 2 1/2 year mark. All the well meaning opinions on this subject started to dwindle within my heart about the time I really focused on the boys. Few people that gave opinions ever potty trained twins in their entire lifetime so I just figured they had room to speak up on how overdue they thought they might be or what would get them out of diapers sooner due to the fact we had 2....or well, 3 in diapers at that point. I have found in our journey that the world seems to think the day children turn 2 is the magical day of potty training age. It is but the time in which they mature and reach the final goal is completely subject to the child and the parent encouraging them to attain the goal. The boys turned out to be miraculously easy.....easier than any of the other 3 I had ever had experience with up to that point. It was amazing and was started and finished within a matter of only 1 week. They were right at 2 1/2. So, when Garrett hit his 2 year birthday we began the fun and excitement of getting to sit on the potty. It's a huge deal to be allowed to do this so he felt big in every way. He was encouraged to pee every time but was still totally clueless on the exact muscle that controlled it all. Now 2 months shy of his 2 1/2 year mark he discovered the trigger, put it all together in his head and after 4 days of gentle and loving guidance is in underwear. I am still in awe. I love that this seems to be so much easier than I made it in the beginning. The worry, the feelings of having to live up to everyone else's expectations of my parenting abilities and what they "expect" out of my kids and the laying down of feeling bombarded by the jagged little comments of others. As with everything else, it is such a personal issue as to how we choose to parent and as we have come to rely on the Lord to give us wisdom and discernment for each and every different baby we have come to see there truly is no other way...no better way to make this do-able. It is truly listening to your parenting heart and the words that God speaks into it and tuning out what is both outwardly spoken or just inwardly felt by those that you know are thinking things...be it spoken or just the undercurrents you feel taking place. I do definitely believe there is a point in there that some children know fully what to do and what is expected of them and still choose not to whether out of laziness or a subtle control issue on their part. In these few incidents we have experienced with each one as they seek to test their boundaries a spanking...or 2 or 3.....was needed in order to let them know who is still the parent and what is acceptable and what is not. But what I have come to see is that with each one these occasions are rare and few and far between. Once that line is drawn and they get the drift quickly we never have anymore issues with it.

As we hit day 5 of this new milestone for Garrett he has had only 2 accidents the entire time which were quickly and easily cleaned up and have not occurred since. I set the timer the 1st few days to remind myself to remind him to take a bathroom break from playing and now we are just to the point of someone remembering every hour or so to check on him and send him on a potty trip. As it is still a novelty around here he usually has an audience that fills the bathroom up and applause and praise that rivals the longest of standing ovations given in this country. Why it is that this particular milestone never ceases to amaze me is still not completely understood within myself. But it seems that once they cross this threshold some kind of heavy weight of parenting is lifted. It seems that this is always one of the biggest things to overcome....well, THE biggest thing....in all of baby/todderhood. With him in underwear now we are only down to cloth diapers, except for nighttime use....which one box lasts 4 or so months......so our budget has seen great relief with this milestone too. It's an amazing thing not to be buying diapers. And it's an amazing thing to have yet another baby potty trained.

Each and every time it is the same feelings of elation and pleasant shock that it actually worked. Every time it is just like doing it the 1st time all over again with your very 1st one all over again. It never gets old. The feeling of success never gets old.

I love where we are now. I love what we have had the opportunity to learn along the way. I love what I am learning of how to train our children peacefully and gently and only guiding and steering them with a stern hand when necessary instead of making the stern hand and harsh ways the way to coerce them into all things we desire for them to do. Some people disagree vehemently of spanking while potty training while others think it is the only way to go. I sit in awe that I do not feel lost anymore concerning this issue and the wisdom I find that I have been able to glean by just relying on the wisdom and common sense God has instilled within Brad and I as parents. I have begun to pray and implicitly trust that the Lord will show me the healthy balance between lovingly guiding these children He has entrusted to us and disciplining them and to show me when it is needed and not needed. It sounds so simple....so elementary....to trust Him where parenting is concerned and it sounds rather insane to me at times that I pray and trust Him to show me down to the most simplest of things such as potty training each and every one of them. But the longer I parent the more I realize how imperative it is to rely on Him and trust Him even in the smallest most mundane things of life and the seemingly trivial, ongoing everyday tasks that go with parenting.

It is not only a matter of parenting or potty training...but the discovery of how involved the Lord is in my everyday life as a wife, a mother, a servant, and a daughter that He has created to live in order to carry out His purpose in these everyday things.

Keeping Busy

I picked up the Bosch while we were in Fort Worth along with the 45 pound bucket of wheat, can of dough enhancer and gallon of agave nectar. I already had Mother's grain mill so was eager to get home and get to work. I could not wait to return home and finally try it out to see if my bread baking endeavors had any greater success. These were by far the best loaves that I have made as of yet. The feeling was exilerating as I watched it rise successfully and then as it overpowered the senses filling the house with it's heady yeasty aroma. The Bosch's dough capacity made it possible to make enough bread for 2 days for us. So, I figure that I can now just start a routine of waking every Mon, Wed and Fri to get the bread started and we should be completely able to forsake store bought bread needs at this point. Since this recipe also makes wonderful pizza dough, hamburger buns and dinner rolls we are now store free in the bread dept. Of course, one loaf, as always, was devoured as soon as it came out of the oven. What's in the pic is what was left after everyone snacked on the 1st loaf. I promised I would post the bread recipe once I came up with a good one that was seemingly fail proof. This probably does no good to those that do not have any kind of machine to do the kneading. It did work well when I used the Kitchenaid with it....though the recipe was a little too large for what the Kitchenaid could handle. Once I split it up into 2 portions to be kneaded it faired alot better. I will say that after having not used the dough enhancer and then using it that the dough enhancer is key to turning out a really great loaf of bread. You can order dough enhancer from Joyfully Living's website or you can also order from The Urban Homemaker. If you have never seen The Urban Homemaker's free catalog you have GOT to order one!! I have spent quite some time looking over it's pages. And along with their products are many great recipes included that we have tried.





The winning bread recipe and my all time favorite. Retrieved from the Joyfully Living website.

Basic Bread Recipe (machine kneaded)

Begin this recipe by grinding 8 cups of wheat berries in your wheat mill or having at least 12 cups of whole wheat flour on hand.

5 1/2 cups warm water
2/3-cup oil - we use expeller pressed coconut oil
2/3-cup raw honey
2 T sea salt

Mix all these ingredients together in your mixer bowl with kneading arm installed, and add 5 cups of fresh flour (this is only 1/4 to 1/3- of the total flour used) Mix again, and add:

2 T Instant yeast
2 T Dough Enhancer

Add about 5 more cups of flour and turn Bosch on to speed 1. Continue to add flour until the dough pulls away from the sides of the bowl. Don't make the common mistake of adding too much flour.

Knead dough in your Bosch for 6 minutes on low (be sure to put on the splash ring on so your dough won't fling itself across the room). But DON'T put on the lid to the mixing bowl or you'll break off the side tabs.) Oil hands and form loaves into oiled bread pans. (You will be amazed how wonderful this bread dough feels and smells!) Let dough rise once in pans until doubled and bake at 350 degrees until a hollow sound is heard when thumped (at least 30 minutes).

Variations on the basic recipe

Pizza: Roll dough out on pan. For thin crust do not let rise, for thick crust, roll out more dough and let rise before baking at 450 degrees for 8 minutes. Add toppings and bake at 350 degrees until bubbly. Mexican option: Black bean or pinto paste with cheese, olives, tomatoes, bell peppers, and onions. (Bean paste is a fresh ground, dry bean stirred into boiling water, and seasoned to taste)

Low Calorie: Use 1/3-cup oil and 1/3-cup honey.

Diabetics: Substitute pear juice for honey.

Fat Free: Substitute applesauce for the oil and/or honey.

Healthy Pregnancy: Use 1/3 7-grain when grinding grain. Substitute a portion of the honey with blackstrap molasses for iron; add 1 cup cracked sesame seeds for calcium. (Opt: Knead into dough, flax, sunflower seeds, dried fruit, nuts, cooked oatmeal, juicing pulp, or sprouts) Ezekiel: Grains to mill-7 cups wheat or spelt, 1-cup barley, 1-cup rye, 1/4 cup pintos, 1/4-cup lentils, and 1/4-cup soybeans. Do not mill: 1/3-cup millet. Substitute this for the flour in the basic recipe. Form into a round loaf and bake on a pizza stone or cookie sheet.

Herb: Add 1 teaspoon each of rosemary, basil, and oregano while kneading. Form into a round loaf and brush the top with olive oil before and after baking. While hot, serve with a bowl of olive oil, Balsamic vinegar, and fresh ground pepper for dipping.

Cinnamon Rolls: Roll out dough. Spread butter and applesauce over dough and sprinkle raisins, nuts, cinnamon, and sucanat or other sweetener on top. Roll up dough and cut with a piece of dental floss slid under roll and pulled together at top. Place on a buttered jellyroll pan to rise. (Cut an 8” piece of the roll and place in a loaf pan for a cinnamon loaf). Let rise until doubled and bake at 350 degrees for about 15 minutes.
Topping: An egg white whipped in mixer until meringue with 1T honey and 1 T butter mixed in will make a light sweet topping. For a heavier topping try 1-cup cream cheese whipped with 1-T butter and 2-T honey.

Cheese Rolls: Same method as cinnamon rolls except filling is butter, shredded cheese, cayenne pepper, and dill or parsley. Cooked meat can also be added.

Sticky Rolls: Use a round cake pan with 2-T butter melted in the bottom. Cover butter with honey or maple syrup and pecans or walnuts. Sprinkle with cinnamon. Knead raisins into dough. Roll dough into 1” balls and fill cake pan with the balls touching. Let it rise, bake 350 degrees, and turn pan upside down on a platter to serve.

Tortillas: 3-cups flour, 1-cup warm water, 1/3-cup olive oil, and dash sea salt. Knead and roll into 2” balls. Press and cook in tortilla press.

The golden loaf

A day's worth of bread baking.. I saved all of the bread bags from previous loaves we have bought in the past so it makes storing homemade ones easy. You can see the moisture in the bags from where the bread is still warm.

Lots of homemade baby food. Despite the fact that both Garrett and Gavin have transitioned over to big table food later than most Gavin is now eating many "real" things such as cooked veggies, bananas, strawberries, apple peices and cheese...along with a few scrounged up off the floor peanut butter sandwich crusts and/or some very freely shared ones from the table. What was that about not allowing your children to touch peanut butter until the age of 2????? I think we pretty much blew that one out of the water with the last 2 babies due to generous siblings. He's still not eating enough of it all to make full meals out of it so I still do baby food to make sure he's getting what he needs. For whatever reason both he and Garrett were in no hurry to grab the chewable stuff. They both gagged on it well after their 1st birthdays. Garrett's was so bad I thought there was surely something wrong with him. But I guess after this many you just figure out that they'll eat it when they're ready and until then they're quite happy with baby food and content with what is. So, I spent the morning boiling up produce and out came the rewards. Some of it's 1/2 way gone already since Garrett also shared in the taste testing and some of it was made a couple of days ago so has already been dug into.

From left top to bottom: combo of blueberries and grapes, carrots and on bottom combo of carrots and squash. In middle top to bottom: peaches, applesauce and pears. And on right top to bottom: green beans and sweet potatoes. I quit adding bananas since he is now eating them without being pureed or smashed up. I found it much easier to store the pureed stuff all this way and when we are on the go just putting some into some saved up baby food jars for the road.

When waking up BEFORE your children would've paid off

Sweet, longed for, summer rain

And I have now successfully completed Aubrey's 1st dress. Since it was made out of an old childhood pillowcase I'm not sure I really want to post pics. I just got what I could to experiment on and went to work. My goal was to have their mathcing outfits finished by this weekend but that just ain't gonna happen at this point. Maybe if I had a little more experience under my belt I might could've given it a shot. Next goal is to get their dresses finished and start to work on the boys' pajamas so that they will be done by their birthdays in September. Once that is done I plan on making each of the children fleece blankets for Christmas and then starting to work on my own homemade cloth diapers. I love our Nurtured Family ones so much and want to have more on hand for newborn Ivye that I figured I will give making them by hand a try. What they charge for cloth diapers is ridiculous but I felt that was the only way to really break myself into it. Now that I am already in love and used to the routine and more than familiar with my sewing machine I figure I can now start sewing them up myself. Hopefully I will be as in love with the ones I make as I am with the ones we have now.



And on the note of doing things the natural way, I have found the wrap I am in love with in every way. After having tried multiple slings and carriers this by far won out and far outshines the others. Until she grows into the Ergo I will be using the Sleepywrap. I am so excited. I have spent time practicing at home with an old long sheet just to see if I really will like it and be able to get it on as fast as I need to without having to mess with being tangled up in it for hours beforehand. It is so easy! So, I wait with excitement for it to arrive. It even carries 2 year olds so I have no doubt between this and the Ergo that I will love wearing baby Ivye for quite awhile.

The Fate of Old Billy Goat Gruff

Well.....I must admit that I was more than a bit ignorant when first traversing this whole goat road. We have now successfully lost 3 goats...as in, managed to kill off...... and now can add this new side of goat life to it. I had NO clue just exactly how entirely nasty billy goats are. Oh my gosh. Disgusting comes nowhere near even beginning to do them justice. They take nastiness and sheer disgusting repulsion to a whole new level. I must start this entry with just how exactly appallingly atrocious this whole billy thing was. Ok....let's begin with the fact that he would freakin pee all over his face, he mounted anything and everything including his own MALE baby in his grand attempts to reproduce, he sucked on himself while drinking his own urinary output...and I spare no details here only to give you a clear picture before telling you this whole story. So, on to how his supposed to be white goat hair was yellow from acts such as the previous statement described and how he did all other kinds of shocking things to the baby he helped produce. Ugh!!!!!

We knew that big billy goats were not so kind but up to this point had had only small run ins with him. He charged and reared at anything that dare provoke his moody temperamental state of being. He butted and horned when demanding impatiently for his share of oats and then proceeded to run off and eat all of the other goats' share. Poor nanny goat was growing more and more lean as big billy binged and fattened up by the day......or rather, by the meal, as they are fed twice a day. Everybody, except farmer Brad, of course, was scared to death of this insane and disgustingly gross horned animal. You've never seen kids scatter, scream and run so fast in all of your life as something so obnoxious approached. And to see his ornery self rare up on 2 hooved feet to near eye level with you........or for the children, tower over them in his attempt to run the roost.....was quite the intimidating experience.

So, we had been having issues with the baby getting repeatedly stuck time and time again in the fences by his swift growing horns. It had become a daily routine to go hunt him down, knowing that when he failed to appear he was more then likely stuck somewhere within the goat domain. On this one fateful, moonless night Grayson had gone to put Athena up and heard the now common cries coming from a stuck baby goat. He set off in the dark to do the humane thing and unstick him yet again...for the 15th time that day. And when I say stuck....I mean really stuck, as in completely unable to unstick himself. His horns bled on more than one occasion and one day we went out and swore he was very dead. It turned out he was just dehydrated and only near death but not all the way there yet. So, this is not a case of needlessly doing something he could or would eventually do himself. Once he's stuck, he's there for good unless aided by human hands to uncurl his horns from the fence.

On this one occasion he was so stuck that it was impossible for Grayson to do the job from the outside of the fence so he traipsed into the pasture carefully but unafraid. Evye happened to have gotten in on the action and was out there with him. Of course, Brad was on shift. I was made aware of the situation only after it appeared to be too late. Evye came in screaming through her tears that I needed to go save Grayson and that the billy was attacking him. She said Grayson was pinned against the fence and could not escape and that she couldn't deter the goat to let Grayson get away. I had to throw on shoes and by the time that was done I was met by Grayson 1/2 way to the backdoor. He had obviously gotten away but soon his anger turned into torrents of tears as he spilled the story and what had happened. The goat had indeed gotten ahold of him, pinned him against the fence and continued to ram him in the abdomen. I wasn't sure if anything else had been harmed in the deal since the goat is right at groin level with him when he goes into butting mode with head down and charging at you. I called Brad to talk to Grayson and see if Grayson was willing to share any details he might've left out with me. By the end of it we were sure the goat had only gotten him in the stomach and he would be sore but ok.

Brad and I have both known for quite some time that Billy....or Texas to the children.....had to go. His aggressiveness alarmed us all and he was no animal to have on hand with small children always present. I surmised that this incident with Grayson was enough to get him sent to the auction the very next day. Auction is every Tues and this happened to be a handy Mon night affair. But never in my life did I ever imagine what exactly Brad and his male self had in mind. Once the children were in bed he informed me that the goat was on death row and he had every intention of shooting him come morning. Ummm....honey.....that wasn't really what I had in mind. Nonetheless, Brad had his mind made up....and when he gets that upset about something I know, more now than ever, that the decision's made and there is no convincing him otherwise. So, I pondered this thought late into the night and I had visions of trying to get big mean Billy up into the bed of the truck...seeing as how we still do not own a trailer for any kind of our livestock as of yet. Better the bed of a truck with a dog kennel then a payment attached to a trailer.

Despite my late night ponderings I could come up with no possible solution to save this nasty, disgustingly gross, mean goat's life. Why I even bothered I'm not quite sure...other than the fact that I still see every animal as a pet. The children rose bright and early, as their usual 7:30 internal body clock alarm went off...so very far removed from my own.....and waited Brad's arrival home. His routine 8 am arrival sent everyone into fits of excitement with Grayson and Evye the only ones aware of the fate that awaited big billy. Having talked the night before, after realizing there was no talking Brad out of this, we had decided that it was probably good for the little ones to view the shooting. Since I was never in a lifetime exposed to things of this nature when growing up and Grayson and Evye have the hardest time dealing with stuff like this since they were never exposed to farm life until their older years we want to show the little ones early on. This is reality, this is farm life, this is what happens and goats are food on the table...not pets. Oh yes....did I mention that he was headed to the processing plant after his death to later be displayed on our table???? The children gagged at this one and no one wanted to see him in our freezer....not to mention on the dining room table. It definitely had the ability to spur a loss of appetite. We still have to grow into the whole farm thing on that note. With all of the little guys playing and riding bikes outside in the early morning it didn't take much for Brad to gather them for the big event. I heard the unmistakable pops of the gun and cringed knowing what was taking place. I have never dealt well with animal death....especially considering this was the sweet baby twin to Flop who was viciously attacked by Tigger. This was now just the very grown up twin that had happened to turn meaner than mean when testosterone altered his once loving little demeanor. In my hope of seeing this in a good light I had envisioned 1 shot to the head and it being over. Course that is never how real life goes and the one shot that was aimed at his head freakin bounced off...like, literally bounced off of his skull and didn't even make a dent. It gave a new meaning to being hard headed. Wonder if that's where the analogy originated. So, with Evye in tears by my side in the kitchen and Grayson now running down the sidewalk apparently unable to take what was happening, the morning turned a little sour. As I had hoped, the little boys ran in shouting victoriously in sheer excitement that "Daddy shot the mean old billy goat!!!!!" To them it was the heroic deed of the year worthy of the most prestigious award out there. Daddy definitely earned a few brownie points that day and it was all Garrison, Grant and Garrett talked excitedly about for days. With Garrison having been on the horned end of this goat on several different occasions he is now terrified of goats. He screams and begins to cry hysterically if you even act like you might put him down when in the pasture with them. And it is quite the feat to even get him to go in with you while being held. Usually he adamantly stays on the outside of the pasture. So, to him this was the greatest thing in the world that could've happened to this awful creature of a goat.

I have to say I was a little more of the mindset to coax big billy into the bed of the truck and haul him off to the auction. But with the nanny in heat and his testosterone flaring he was as obstinate and mean as they come. Wrestling with him would not have been a pretty sight and he was so big and so fat by this point he had the ability to take Brad to the ground if he dared get it in his head. Being in the bed of the truck with him and trying to get him into a kennel was not optimal by any stretch of the imagination. So it was that he did finally succumb to his death despite my opposition even when knowing this was about the only way to get rid of him and knowing it was not even safe to keep him another day. It was like risking life and limb to tolerate him and I began to realize that I would silently pray for the children's safety everytime they headed out to the pasture to feed. That was sheer insanity. Why in the world are we risking our children for the sake of a goat gone mad. Why would we keep him even another hour??? We both knew we could not afford to wait for an ad to be published and a buyer to come out and get him at the expense of possibly one of our children's lives. And at this point he had become a very real threat to their safety....albeit a very comical, funny kind of threat. Brad and I both knew in the seriousness of it that had he ducked his head, horned and then raised up, as he so very often does, that he could've done some very real damage to Grayson.

So it is that we are yet one less goat again. Garrison, Grant and Garrett are still proclaiming Brad's heroic, lifesaving measures to anybody that will dare listen to the goat story. John Wayne, our baby soon to turn billy, will make his way to the auction in a few short weeks, as we have learned the sacred lesson of not owning a male goat. We are now of the mindset to add a few more Boers to the herd to keep the nanny company and to tread into the dairy goat world. Neither of us are big fans of Boer's so we have decided to take on possibly an Alpine and some other dairy nanny. Though we have no intention of milking them just yet since we still have yet to prepare the pastures with good nutritious food and none of us want to be drinking the ragweed they have eaten, we plan on just learning the ropes. They can grow and kid and nurse their babies as we learn how to care for them. By the time we are ready to milk they will have grown from being kids themselves to milking age, and hopefully have successfully put forth a milk supply, and we will have learned how to care for them without killing off our own milk supply by our ignorance.

So....no more billy goats for the young growing family. We move on a little ahead of schedule to the dairy breeds to see what we can learn where they are concerned and are happy to stick with the little nannies.

Chicken Day!

Proudly showing them off

Absolutely mesmerized by them

The simple homemade brooder

Well...farm life takes on a new chapter. Our chicken chapter has begun with the arrival of our little octuplet chicks. We ended up with 2 little buff colored ones and 6 little black ones. The children were ecstatic. Supposed to have picked them up Monday afternoon I postponed since we had just gotten back from FW and that trip that was filled with activities. I didn't think we'd ever hear the end of it though. The squeals of delight that rang through the air as Garrett took his 1st glimpse of them were enough to make it all worthwhile. We all went to pick them up and they chirped to us the entire way home from their little box that sat at the back of the van. The children got their temporary living quarters set up with lots of help from Daddy and one by one they were deposited in their new home until they can graduate up to the big pastures and the permanent coop.

Help from Daddy

And one by one they were held and picked up and "loved" on again and again and again. I supervised and watched and marveled at this job in life....what it is to teach children gentleness and to watch it become a part of their life. Little boys so rough and rowdy and boisterous are taught to gently cradle a tiny living thing so easily crushed by most anything at this point. The excitement and thrill and discovery of tiny new life and how to treat it is unsurpassed when given the opportunity to see it through the eyes of children.

Little girls that cannot exactly have a kitten at this point due to certain large dogs with cat issues have taken to nurturing and babying tiny little chicks.

Attentive caregivers

Happy Happy kids...at this point little chicks were still contained in their small travel box, thus the reason for the gleeful congregation around it on the table.

So it is that we will hopefully have farm fresh eggs beginning in Jan sometime. Come September we plan on ordering the other 25 from the hatchery since we only ended up with 8 this time around and still have no clue as to how many are male and female. Since we have the option of ordering females and males the plan is to order 24 egg laying chickens with 1 or 2 roosters present. That's a LOT of eggs. We figured it was a good small entrepreneurial business experience for Grayson. Brad and I discussed it and we feel that it is something he can handle and take great pride in. He has the total upkeep of them and in return the profits from egg sales are his, as we continue to teach him responsibility concerning both jobs and money......with larger sums of money........as he learns to tithe 10%, the freedom to spend 10%, save the remaining 80% and then give out of that whatever he feels God has placed on his heart for whatever need becomes known at the time.

I love doing this. I am so entirely blessed that we have been given the ability to let them experience this side of life....just the daily little simple pleasures of a growing seed transformed into a 4 ft climbing, bean producing vine, holding baby chicks, reaping the reward of loyalty by caring for Fletch and his devotion to them, loving on baby goats and learning how to care for them and everything this life out here has offered so far. We are blessed indeed.

MSN Large Family Article

This was actually on the front page of MSN! People are soooo stupid that it's just insane. I think the last statement in the paragraph of Mary Wells opinion pretty much did it for me.

"There are so many references to God's displeasure with selfishness in the Bible – whatever God turns out to be – we should all be able to show a list of our unselfish choices that saved humans, animals and life of all kinds – and in this world at this time large families are selfish choices that are everybody's business and everybody's problem."

Here is the link to the entire article.
Link to article

And here is Mary Wells entire astounding opinion on the whole matter. I don't think she should've even opened up the can of worms of arguing the Bible on behalf of family size and how the Lord views children. I suppose when it comes to her nobody wants her reproducing so more power to her for holding back.

"Mary Wells: The media suggests that people are in pain from what the shortages of resources do to them personally. But different countries have different awareness's and attitudes and there are enlightened people in all countries. But we are running out of everything partly because we heedlessly build more golf courses and swimming pools than necessary, dirty our waters with just about everything, cut down productive trees without anything but selfish or commercial thought, ignore the environment of most animals and care little about their lives. The polar bear and the Orca whale are top of the line in the animal food chain and they are seriously endangered – we tend to think those animals are cute and want them to survive but seldom really think about what they do to balance world resources. We don't care enough. We aren't taught to care enough and we don't teach our children to care enough. So the growth of the number of humans on earth is much greater than most of us focus on and the impact on resources has become misunderstood and a bore to people. I have a friend who will tell us what she and the groups she works with are doing about the essential and practical goal of moving to live on the moon in 20 to 40 years or less. And then on to other planets. They believe earth is "over." They think it can not handle the vast number of people like us projected to populate earth in 10 years let alone 20 because of growing families. They have been working on a planet world for us to live on for a long time and it will require much more focus from us, much less self interest, but will be a much healthier place to live.

So as much I sympathize with people wanting children I think – for children's sake – the time has come to put the limitations of our earth ahead of anything else and to wake up and join in the movements that are growing to learn how to live a new wide-awake way in a new environment aware that a lot of the disappearing earth wealth is disappearing because of each one of us. We could start with smaller families needing less of the earth's resources. There are so many references to God's displeasure with selfishness in the Bible – whatever God turns out to be – we should all be able to show a list of our unselfish choices that saved humans, animals and life of all kinds – and in this world at this time large families are selfish choices that are everybody's business and everybody's problem."

About That Previous Post

I don't have much time at all right now seeing as how it is midnight and I am exhausted. I have stories to tell though! So goes the farming endeavors of our life. More on that topic later.

But the last post was a pretty amazing and astounding one that was quite comical. I didn't know whether to be embarrassed that I have actually spent enough hours on the computer while my children are awake that they now know how to expertly get around on it or appalled that they felt the freedom to surf it or be shocked at the brilliance of a 3 year old........or maybe just all of the above. But Garrison had been telling me all day long that day he needed to "go check the blog". In order to humor him and carry on a somewhat 3 yr olds' version of computer talk I agreed with him and kept saying "Oh.....you do? Well, you can check it and then let me know what it says." After the 105th time he made the comment he disappeared into the office for a long while. He finally re-emerged saying he had "checked the blog". I again humored him and said "Oh, thanks!" He became adamant that I come see it and look at it. And to my shock and amazement he had actually gotten on the computer, gone to the blog, accessed it (it had already been accessed that day so no password was needed) and then proceeded to type his own little entry and publish it! I only edited in order to title it. But there his little post sat publicly displayed as he beamed proudly over his published piece of work. The kid's not even 4 yet!

I'm still amazed and I couldn't imagine taking it off after the fact. And apparently the blog now has several unauthorized authors and contributors seeing as how a horrific version of Cotton Eye Joe was added to the playlist. I still have yet to remove it. Grayson fessed up to that one saying that when he went to listen to it he accidentally added it to the list. Apparently when he tried to click it off, once realizing it was not at all the old long forgotten Cotton Eye Joe that Scott played expertly on his violin years ago, in his rush to get rid of it he just tacked it onto the blog list. So, with children now freely contributing and editing the blog and adding music freely there is no telling what topics and interesting things may appear from this point forward.

Alright...in FW yet again spending lots of time trying to fit everything in and let the children play. The Plano bookfair is on Friday so everything else has to be crammed in between arriving today and my prenatal appt that I had, tomorrow's errand running and then Saturday's schedule of meeting up with the Joyfully Living owners, sewing up the rest of Evye's and Aubrey's dresses with Mother and hitting the road again Sat night to return home for Brad's 24 on Sunday. I'm now far enough along though that my appts are now 4 wks apart instead of every 6-8. So, we'll return sooner than later. Normally they would be every 4 wks and now going to every 2 but since we are so far away and Brad has the ability to monitor my BP and baby's heartrate we have the freedom of spreading appts out more so than normal. I LOVE my midwife. I think it is safe to say she is now like family. It is the same feeling of freedom and giddiness that wash over me when I think of our freedom to homeschool and the blessings that we have been given. Both Brad and I feel so exceedingly wonderfully blessed to have someone that we trust implicitly and love dearly when it comes to birthing our babies. This is a time in life where we feel like we have trialed and errored enough times to now finally have it down and feel settled and love where we are and the peace we have with the whole process of homebirthing and homeschooling. I love where we are. I LOVE Jean and Lynne. Every month it is like meeting up with best friends for an afternoon rendezvous. It just doesn't get much better than feeling so at peace and being so at ease and loving every part of life being experienced in the present moment. I immensely enjoy the trips to FW and the children are loving them. I love being with the family but love returning back home to our little tiny hidden corner of the world. I love coming to shop but returning home to the much slower pace of small town west TX where most everyone is friendly and the older generations lavish praises on our children and of our family size.....something that seems rather foreign in the big cities. Yes....this place in life is good. It feels so good just to be able to breathe for a little while. It feels like we have not rested in a very long time. It feels good to just sit for a minute and soak up the blessings that have been exceedingly poured out upon us. I love this place of peace. It is a peace that overwhelms the spirit and the soul.

Garrison's Contribution to Blogging

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A New School Year!

I am sooo excited about this next school year. We are switching over to My Father's World curriculum and I love the Charlotte Mason approach of classical education. This by far outweighs everything we have tried up to this point. I have been weighing this curriculum out for over 2 yrs now and finally feel ready to take on this incredible and fun way of schooling. It requires more than I have put in before but I love what they will be learning....what I will be learning with them. I have put together the extras to help aid the learning and then I finally decided on a Language Arts, Math, Handwriting and Spelling to round out their year. They will also be continuing on in the typing and Rosetta Stone Spanish program we started last school year. We'll be using Abeka Language for both of them, Scholastic spelling which we are all already in love with, A Reason for Handwriting which I am highly impressed with based on last year's results with both of them and then for Grayson we will be using Abeka math and for Evye we're trying Miquon math this year since it explains principles in a more tangible way, something Grayson just naturally has the ability to do in his head without ever having to really give much thought to. I"ve already begun teaching Aubrey, Garrison and Grant how to read with Teach Your Child How to Read in 100 Easy Lessons. I snagged it off of Ebay for less than 1/2 price and am in love with its teaching method and quick results. I am already amazed by the results we are seeing. It was originally bought with just Aubrey in mind but when the boys showed a great amount of interest I started to include them too and they are doing just as well as she is. A year ago I would've thought someone was crazy to tell me I would ever be teaching 3 year olds to read. If I can get them all taught at the same time I think I will also do Garrett and Gavin together too when it is their turn. I have never been one to push reading by any stretch of the imagination. I think schools in general rush early education way too much and take away the little discoveries they naturally pick up when that little. Schools are now so heavily focused on educational placement scores on standardized tests where children are concerned. I just figure they'll read when they are ready. After having lived what we lived through with Grayson I will never do that to another child we have. When we found his pattern of learning and how he learned he took off in ways that 3 years of tears and frustration never taught him and made up for it all in less than a year. Since we have just started the book with Aubrey, Garrison and Grant I can hardly wait to see where it ends up and how much progress they make. We'll be going to the Plano homeschool bookfair that NTHEN puts on every summer. We missed the massive Arlington bookfair this past May but I am still hoping to make next year's. The keynote speaker this year will be the president of Vision Forum Ministries. I love their catalog and the resources they offer. We still need to make a trip to Sam's and get Aubrey, and probably even Garrison and Grant, little kindergarten and pre-k workbooks that'll keep them busy and include them in the "schooling" part of the day. Garrett just goes to town with tons of stickers, stamps and water paints in the highchair. Beans that he can put in cups and beads and stuff to mess with. So, hopefully that'll continue keeping him occupied and out of messes. Between their intense love of the farming video series and the busy work that I have been able to come up with I am hoping that it'll get us through the morning routine and then we can break for lunch and put them down for naps to finish whatever is left.

Now just to get my time management issues down a little better and I think I'd be feeling pretty confident. I'm excited though. Most all of their curriculum can be purchased at the bookfair heavily discounted so I plan on doing most of the shopping there. What they do not have I will order and we will start on Sept 8th. I love doing this! I love this part of the year and I always love the excitement and joy everybody feels going into a new year and a new grade. It's a huge celebration that Aubrey will be joining the school table this year and so far that is all Aubrey has been talking about. And the annual Wal Mart trip of collecting all of the new year's needed supplies gets all of us excited again. Aubrey has already made her "school" list of new crayons, stickers, kitty pencils, glue, pink scissors and markers....washable in every way, of course! This year Grayson has requested more pencil grippers and map pencils, which was a fun new twist we haven't needed before. Due to the extensive geography studies and maps that My Father's World focuses on the 1st year he and Evye will both be needing map pencils this year.

I am so grateful to have them all home with me. I am so glad we are not losing yet another child of our's to an all day school schedule but that we are gaining her right here at our kitchen table in the warmth of our home, welcomed by an excited loving brother and sister eager to help her learn in every way. On those cold rainy winter days we'll all be gathered up cuddled under blankets reading a good book with little ones all tucked warmly in for naps with full warm tummies of hot soup or chili. I love that my days will not be filled with tears missing the older 3 and mourning the sending off of Garrison and Grant in just a mere 12 more months from now. I love that they will not be sent to a cold school room and cafeteria each and every morning and bringing home every sickness in the book that has been known to exist. They are here with me discovering life, learning what it takes to live in the world around us, making it work with siblings of all ages, responsible for daily chores, not burdened by 2 and 3 hours of homework after already having spent 9 hrs at school. They are here being taught Biblically sound principles that they were never free to learn in the public school system. I love that they already have a love of geography and world and US history and have not come to dread it based on the drudgery of having to have assignments turned in at a certain time to a teacher that merely grades and cannot expand due to too many other responsibilities and class children on her plate. I love that I love my children unlike any teacher ever could and that I have the desire to teach them and expound on their interest because they are mine and God's gift to me to raise. I am ever grateful for our freedom to homeschool but at this time each and every year I am once again taken and amazed and in love with our life and what we have been given the freedom to do and how we can teach. We are blessed.

For those of you just starting out and wanting some great resources and catalogs to peruse through these are some of my absolute favorites. You can sign up for all of these free catalogs by going to each of the websites. I spend hours looking through these at night....especially the closer it gets to the new school year. And most of them have many many early starter activities for toddlers and pre-k'ers.

The Learning Parent

Love to Learn

Learning Things

Rainbow Resource

Timberdoodle

Frank Schaffer

Museum Tour

Barnyard Baby

Well, after never really completing the nursery when Gavin arrived and it being so expensive for each and every piece I decided to try and go a different route this time. I cannot justify ever spending a fortune on a nursery nor do we have the money for it in the least. So, in my restlessness to either finish what we started or do something completely from the beginning I figured a way out to change the theme yet completely finish it from top to bottom for a fraction of the cost of what it would be otherwise. We still came out cheaper than finishing the orginal thing we started with Gavin. I still would love to finish that out and someday we will eventually. But for now, I found this entire set on Ebay for only 65.00. It retails for over 400.00 if you buy it all new in the store. I debated for a long while back in the day if I wanted to do a nursery in this. But it seems fitting now with our change of life and what we have acquired within the past 2 years. Thankfully, it has no kittens in the collage of farm animals! I think the children are having as much fun with this as I am and have already declared that that is no horse in the decor but a donkey! And with our chicks due to arrive this week and a coming cow and goats it seemed only fitting to have some barnyard babies. I'm excited. Brad's going into town with us on his next 96 to pick out paint colors. Right now I don't even have a clue. I think it'd be fun to do a barnyard mural across the walls but unfortunately I don't think I inherited any of Granny's artistic skills. I don't think any of us would want to see the finished results if I tried my hand at mural-ing a wall! So, I'm thinking, maybe stencils. It's very much a babyish nursery and not quite where I was headed with the seaside thing that was never finished. But it'll be fun to have a true baby room and the children can hardly wait. I think I may do the window valances out of a coordinating solid color and save the true valances that come with the set to make them into the canopy for the crib. After not spending much thought on actually having Ivye here it's beginning to get me going and excited over the reality of yet another tiny new one all over again....a girl at that!

Brad's 1930 Role

131 As a 1930s husband, I am Very Superior Take the test!

I guess this is why we're still so happily married in every way!!! I think we make a pretty good little team.

Ok...well, now upon looking at this thing in order to score as "Very Superior" you have to score 76 or above. So, at 97 I just slid into my "superior" role by a mere 21 points. But with Brad's standing at 131 he more than qualifies for the position of quite the Very Superior spouse. Well, at least we know one of us is entirely overly qualified at this thing called marriage! I have to say....I couldn't have ever dreamed of having a better husband in any way. I have been exceedingly blessed beyond all measure where this thing in life called marriage is concerned. It is more like an intimate best friendship in every way and every sense of the word. We are in LOVE and would rather be with each other than any other person in the world. I think he's pretty superior in my book....but it's always fun to know that plenty of other women would be more than happy to call them their's too. I've been tremendously blessed by what I have been given in him. He blesses me in every way.

The 1930's Marital Scale...how do you measure up?

97 As a 1930s wife, I am Very Superior Take the test!

Alright, so my dear friend Bethany has this comical little survey she put on her blog so I couldn't help but follow suit and pass the fun around. I was quite astonished at what popped up in the end when my score was revealed. After seeing the questions I figured I was down in there with the lowest of the dogs. But apparently I must be doing a little bit of something alright. Now the real question....should I go back and answer honestly?????

HAHA. Not entirely true. I did answer as honestly as I could the 1st go round and this is what the score came out to be. The 2nd time around when I put everything in that I thought they ever wanted in a woman it brought pretty much the same results. How much better does it get? Who would've thought that I could've ever been successful in 1930? Quite honestly......I've never given 1930 much thought. But in the event that I ever do at least we'll all know that I could maintain a happy and successful marriage!

Nothing Sacred.....And Random Thoughts and Recipes

There are days, at times, weeks really, where everything seems to kind of come crashing in. We, in all reality, have seemed to have many many weeks free of this for some time now. But there are times where there is just a heaviness that weighs down like an anchor. Oppression? Maybe. Spiritual attack? Probably. I can usually handle weeks when it is just attitudes that we are dealing with in the children or if Brad is having a hard time with something but rarely does it ever come when it is an all out frontal assault on everybody. This past week Brad has been sullen, depressed really. And for reasons I have no clue or answers to. A searching heart perhaps. But in his moodiness I find it hard to carry on cheerfully most days. And when the children seem to top it all off and send me running I find that I do not always run where I should. I actually find that the older ones to me are much more work than the little ones ever are. I can handle any amount of physical labor but the emotional toll that the fighting, bickering and rotten attitudes take and that the older ones bring into the picture cuts down to the core of one's emotional well being.....mine to be exact. The wear and tear of being emotionally exhausted between them all is enough to send me running for a vacation. And as I struggled my way through all of this I found ugly, awful deep places and things within me that rise up as my rope starts to unravel on these particular trying days. And I look at myself and realize what I am truly capable of. Realization that if these children grow up to be anyone or anything even a little bit decent it will not be because of anything I have done. There are days when I fear I am messing things up so badly that I don't even begin to pretend to know what the Lord saw in me to give me these children to raise. Harsh words spoken way too many seconds before I took time to control them, a spanking given in too much haste out of my own frustrations with the day, the realization that my own 5 year old may or may not have ever had a kind, loving hand placed on her that day except when having her hair done that morning....and did I smile that day ever? I lay in bed and contemplate it and wonder if I ever did. I listen to Brad's heavy weighted heart as he contemplates his place in life and faces his fears of his own past repeating itself in his relationship with his own children. I look in the mirror and I wonder what my children see. Do they see the deep ugly recesses of my heart or has the Lord shielded and protected them and spared them from my human-ness, my floundering ways in which they are usually the victims that suffer from it. How in the world is it possible to win their little moldable trusting hearts over when a person like this is responsible for raising them?? What on earth did God see in me in order to trust me with this thing in life....to raise decent human beings that will not only be incredible people but live in order to glorify Him???? Tears of frustration and guilt, sadness and remorse over my own actions course down my cheeks until a torrent of tears springs forth from the deep pent up emotions. The weight of the world seems unbearable as I beg to be changed and made more into the likeness of a God I cannot even begin to fathom, and further realization sinks in just how far I am from ever becoming who He wants to make me. I cried for Brad's searching heart, that he would find who He is meant to be and that peaceful place where He can just rest and be who he is fully in every way to absolutely everybody. I know that I love him with all of my entire being and I know that he is entirely lovable to everyone else. That he has so much to give yet he holds back in reservation from ever giving of himself freely to everyone around him, of releasing himself in wild abandon to experience friendships and relationships beyond these 4 walls and break open who he really is in every way. Will he ever get to that point....I don't know. But my heart is heavy as he seeks to shake off the shadows of his past and embrace what he has been given in the here and now with both the children and me and the people God has been so gracious and kind to surround us with.

I cried for Grayson, our entirely intelligent, absolutely beautiful first born, the dear experimental one that has to put up with our fallacies as we learn how to parent each new step of the way. I cried for what the little ones have been given that Grayson has never had due to always trying to figure out where we are with him in each new stage of the game. We are so alike but so very different. I see myself and Brad in him at every turn of each and every new day. The driven-ness, the persistence that is enough to drive one insane, the stout heartedness but the oh so soft tender areas of mercy in his loving heart. His constant need to have something worthwhile to do is so like myself yet his constant and never ending onslaught of words I find to be my biggest source of irritation most days since I don't see much use in talking things to death, or really talking at all. There is a time to be quiet and somehow that part of life never got wired into him. It is my job to teach him that yet how in the world do I ever do it when my irritation is so much at the forefront of dealing with him day after day after day. Does he even begin to know the depth and breadth and height of just how very much I love him??? Have I stayed so frustrated that I have run him off?

It was time to play Barber again.....our crew of clean cut boys. Nothing quite like just going down the line of them.

My heart is crushed at times over the weight of what I have the potential as a parent to do to my very own children, the very people I love the most in life. I look in the mirror and am disheartened and frustrated by the 35 extra pounds I have added since our wedding day...despite the fact that I am now 25 wks pregnant. I find that I am filled with disgust at what I see staring back at me, with the exception of the perfectly rounded little baby bump that is perfect in every way. But then the fear comes of being able to lose it all once she finally arrives. I don't want to be the wife that Brad embraces and the mom the girls look up to that is infinitely 30 or 40 pds overweight.





So....I pray. I pray for wisdom as we journey down this parenting road, that our children will not only survive but thrive despite our setbacks as parents. I cannot help but be reminded of the verse in Is. 54, "And all of your children shall be taught of the Lord, and great shall be the peace of your children." I read an article recently that brought this very much home for me. It does not say that they will be taught ABOUT the Lord and great shall be their peace. It says they shall be taught OF the Lord. In other words, He will be their teacher. This excerpt came from that Above Rubies article.



"The Lord gently chided me. He impressed on my heart that He would bless my children and they would grow up godly, not because I was such a great teacher, but because of His mercy and blessings on our family...........I am well aware of my inadequacy to teach my children everything they need to succeed. However, I don't despair, because over the years the Lord has proved to me that He is the teacher of my children and provider of all of their needs."



It seems such a simple thought, such simple basic knowledge. But to the mothering heart that at times feels as though the weight of the world is on my shoulders it is not only enlightening but comforting in every sense of the word. It is the continued knowledge that if He has called me to this He will get me through this. He will indeed show Himself faithful and He will not let our children go just due to our own mortal, sinful and floundering ways. We trust Him in every way and as we rely on His guidance and mess up time and time again He is there not only still loving us but loving our children....HIS children, the very ones He has created.....and raising all of them. We are here as their examples, their mentors, their guardians. But ultimately He is the one teaching, instructing and molding them into who He has created them to be and calling them into their purpose here. Surely we are responsible as their parents but as we trust and rely on Him to get us through these days He is the one giving us the strength and determination to continue on even during the heaviness that some days, and even weeks, can bring. I was moved beyond words by this one blog entry from A Holy Experience blog. How much this blog speaks my heart each day. I am so encouraged to keep going on the days when I think I cannot just pick up and go on. The days I want to lay in bed and wallow in self pity over how I have messed things up detrimentally and beyond fixing. This sums up the very cry of my heart this past week. What it is to read these things and know that I am not the only one messing up, screwing up, speaking too harshly and setting an example that falls way too short on some days. Oh how dearly much I love them but oh how deeply I can fall so short and how far the fall can be.

“Please God, somehow don’t let all these kids get confused about who You are by how I’ve sinned and muddled today with frustration that was of the flesh. I’ve fallen today and hurt hearts. Somehow, God, even in the midst of my mess, let them see You here in this place. This place in my chest hurts, burns up my throat. I repent, Lord. Oh, God, somehow be here."

Bedtime rowdies

So, I pray for Brad as he searches out his own heart, that he can walk into his own and be completely free to experience life to its very fullest in relationships around him. I pray for the strength and determination to lose this weight after sweet Ivye makes her debut. But most of all not only do I pray but I trust implicitly that this is all part of the journey that helps Brad and I become what we are to be in life. That these are the things that help shape and mold me into what I am ultimately to become.




How you know Aubrey's been in the kitchen and what she's been into...these were short lived ingredients that we used to make the granola bars with. She actually used the hairbows to fasten the bag back up. Sneaky? Um, no. Funny? Hysterically.

So...more on the nothing sacred note. In addition to the heaviness that seemed to loom over the past week or so Brad and I were roused from our afternoon conversation by everyone proclaiming excitedly that Grant broke a window. And they weren't exactly exaggerating on that end either. Apparently he somewhere found the need within himself to funlovingly chunk a toy across the room. The result was the toy cell phone hitting the window with such force that indeed had quite the effect of a rock flying through it. Since we have first hand experience with rocks flying through windows it seems the only fitting thing to compare it too....and one that very much had the same result. This would be in the same room that only mere months ago Aubrey took a fan blade out. She, in all of her Aubrey ways, decided to shake her flip flop off instead of just calmly removing it. Upon violently shaking it off in happy Aubrey oblivion it flung it up into the blades of the fan which then in turn flung it into the realms of space itself. I don't think I've ever seen a flip flop so jet propelled as that one was. After hitting and ricocheting off of everything nearby down came the flip flop along with one of the fan blades. It was bent up so badly that an entirely new fan had to be purchased. After finally replacing it Grant now sees fit to shoot the cell phone through the window. The chip that I had hoped it would be turned out to be an all out hole in the window. The picture showcases the hole but doesn't quite do the splintering of the window justice. It continues on up past what the picture portrays.

Then only a mere 24 hrs after the arrival of Oregano the fish Aubrey could not help herself and stuck her entire arm in there with him to try and "love" him. I suppose it wouldn't have been such an issue if she hadn't had peanut butter and honey pasted to every square inch of herself. So, it was that Oregano got fed peanut butter and honey, water logged crumbs. He seemed to enjoy them and, miraculously, he lived through both eating and digesting his new meal and surviving Aubrey's love encounter. But since he is Grayson's fish it was his job to clean the fish's now very foggy, thick water. While doing that the glass jar that had become the fish's home gave way and, to contribute to the week, it shattered into a million little pieces. Project #104 in addition to the overloaded brain and emotions.

The before home

The after home

We made tons more baby food and Garrett saw fit to eat every last bit of the plums. He gave a new meaning to detox and letting plums take their natural toll on the body. I don't think he will need to poop for at least another month now. But, in my exhaustion, more messes.....plums on the floor, in the bottom of the frig and well digested within the diaper. It didn't help that while making baby food I made everybody smoothies made with all of the fruit and veggies. So, wiping butts has not been a foreign topic to me within the last 24 hrs.

Along the mess topic of things I think I failed to mention that I had no clue a 5 year old could eat an entire gallon of pickles in one day. She was kind enough to pass them out in her generosity which led to more messes. I continually went in to find the jar still sitting in its rightful place in the frig with the lid placed neatly beside the jar and the frig wreaking of pickles. Not only does the frig still smell like it but the floor resembles what it must be like walking on sticky fly traps and aromatically freshens up the house like a candle that could be appropriately deemed "Pickle a la carte". Usually sweet smelling kisses given by the sweet breath of childhood now smell ghastly and appallingly like pickles. The sweet faces that smile and the little hands that carress my face smell atrocious as they breathe out something akin to pickled dragon fire. More messes to add to a day's frustration. And more of me missing the bigger picture. The simple fact that we have pickles for them to eat.

And did I bring up how many times a week I clean up Lake Superior in the bathroom floor. Frustration mounted, as it is an every night occurance, as I tell them to contain it within the 4 walls of the tub. And every night I walk in....or actually dive in......to the sea that awaits. Minor things really but after fighting them one after another after another along with being emotionally and physically exhausted it wears on one and tries the very most inner parts of the being. Instead of seeing my children and the clean sweet smelling little naked bodies running around I see new floors and the water seeping under and ruining what we just had done. Where did the joy go?Where did the desire for constructive reproof go and when did it turn into this ugly thing now rearing its head in total irritation over something so trivial and something so minor as another wet floor that can be mopped up with towels....by a cheerful little clean up crew, no less. And again, guilt creeps in and a deep conviction sets in over what I have the power to do and the mood that I alone set for this house. The water is merely just a mess. It's just a house. It's just a muddy trail from the backdoor to the bathroom. It's just something that can be dealt with. I have each and every one of my children here with me. They are all incredibly healthy. They all have a clean warm bed to be tucked into and a life so full that it overflows with the blessings we have been given. I have food to feed to them , to nourish them, and clean running water for them to drink, brush their teeth and bathe in. We have electricity so that we do not die in the heat of a TX summer and we have indoor plumbing so that we are not having to use ditches or even running out in the heat and trying to work around the spiders and everything creepy crawly and stinch that goes along with no indoor toilets. We are exceedingly blessed with the most simple of things that make life good in every way. Still I moan and groan and gripe and have hard days and think of how much I have to overcome in my simple and very blessed life. And again, I am made aware that I complicate life in ways that are never meant to be complicated. As I cuss and mutter that there is nothing sacred in this house and that each day is just a waiting game to see what else will be devoured, broken or ruined I am filled with sudden remorse and a tightening of my chest at my own attitude and what stares back at me in the reflection of my own heart. The lake that fills the bathroom floor for the 5th night in a row is nothing more than an opportunity for simple correction and to teach them clean up skills. It did not have to be the "last straw" that I turned it into. It is not the end of the world. It is not even a small catastrophe. It is the sign that I have healthy thriving children that love water and that are capable of playing and knowing the joy of a bathtub with warm water and clean bodies. And again I muddled the whole affair and hollered at them in frustration as they bent their heads and walked away quietly to bed as I myself sopped up the water logged floor alone in my anger. Again, my heart hurts, my throat burns and my heart cries out "Oh, God...somehow be here. Be in me."

Longed for, welcomed, hurricane force rain........and mud loving boys

This was mild compared to what the other ones all looked like!

Then the crowning blow came this morning when poor tiny Shotgun failed to survive the powerful playful jaws of Athena. I found myself so in love with them and so taken with them that I caught myself yesterday silently hoping that nothing happened to these 2 little balls of fluff and fur. But I suppose it was a little inevitable, though we all just had to test the waters and figure all things out the hard way...myself included. Grant sounded the alarm that Garrett had opened the gate and we needed to tell Athena not to bite kitty. I knew it was probably too late....and it was. We all arrived on the scene to see his totally tiny and limp little body laying in the grass. He was still alive but not for long. In an effort to give it one last shot since there was no blood visible I thought maybe he was just traumatized. I gently picked him up and brought him in to bathe him and get the grass and dirt off of him. He tried meeowing over and over but no sound emerged. Things weren't looking so good. I wrapped him in a towel and he died in my arms. Aubrey took it the very hardest, sobbing uncontrollably. She took to throwing rocks at Athena in her anger telling her that she hated her and that she was a mean mean dog. I'm not sure what was worse....the assault on Shotgun or having to take Bullet back. We all came to the realization that Bullet must go. It was just cheating death...or rather, playing with it seeing just how long it could be avoided. It was unfair to keep the other one here when he was already going into panic mode over not being able to find his buddy and then it only being a matter of a day or so before Athena got ahold of him too. So, we laid little Shotgun in a shoe box and Grayson dug his grave and made a cross. We buried him under the old mesquite tree the swings hang from. Then Grayson and Evye headed tearfully off with Bullet in their arms to return him to his mother and other litter mates. His mother gladly welcomed him home, licking him and smothering him profusely and he ran off with the other kittens, glad to be reunited with his own kind. Evye sobbed her way home as Grayson just got madder and madder at the coulda, woulda, shouldas.




So, that became the household topic for the rest of the day with Grant clarifying every time the subject was brought up that Shotgun died but that he didn't throw him and that Athena bites hard, hard, hard. So, our kitten endeavors didn't go so well either. More heartache. More life lessons, I suppose. More learning at a very early age that death is very much a part of life. They seem to bounce back quicker and quicker each time though and for that I am grateful. Tigger was I think the very hardest, rivaled only by the death of Flop and her gory, blood drenched death. But Tigger was by far the closest to the heart and still the most dearly missed and still talked about. But in the end, it's still just an animal and life does indeed go on. Lessons I'm not sure I ever really grasped early in life. Note to self....do not get attached to the chickens. The ones that the book has stated that 25% will die off in the early beginnings and the very ones that will eventually be on the dinner table.

What the smallest, hard at play little boys are capable of. A 2 year old and a 13 month old are not very good at picking it all up just yet either. That's where the now 3 year olds come into their active chore duty role! Notice the extended arm generously offering the 4 wheeler to Gavin.

Happy Happy Baby

In an effort to cheer everyone yesterday from my intense mood we took off for the lake and Grayson counted no less than 42 deer. He grew tired and quit when reaching that number. The little fawns were numerous. It was an incredible sight. We saw one still so very little it looked as though it was only a few days old. Tiny and carefully guarded by its mother. We saw some older ones too and then some that already had budding antlers.



Then today after having to survive the morning's disaster I made coookies. After having made traditional chocolate chips, a rare and special event just not 3 days ago, I decided that if they were to have cookies again I would do a cookie makeover and improve them healthwise. So I ended up switching out the butter for expeller pressed coconut oil, the refined sugar for Rapadura, farm fresh eggs from Nanny's and Pawpaw's and then freshly ground whole wheat flour for white bleached and processed flour. I added 2 tsp of pure organic vanilla and then a tsp of pure essential orange oil to flavor them and detract from the whole wheat taste. I think I proved within an hour that children will eat anything if its sweet. I did end up sprinklling them lightly with powdered sugar to sweeten them since they were not quite as sweet as we all expected. THe powdered sugar was so light that it didn't make me much difference if it was on there and it improved them enough to make them pretty perfect. The children loved them and I felt great that I had made a healthy version of a cookie.

The uncooked and the cooked

We then tackled the protein packed peanut butter balls that I grew up eating and that are still just as healthy and fun as ever. The children can make them easily. We tried this recipe today from www.allrecipes.com and it turned out so great. I used homemade granola instead of the bran cereal and added dried cranberries instead of raisins since I'm not much of a raisins fan, though the children love them and eat them as afternoon snacks. I figured as long as we were making them I wanted to enjoy them too. We usually just do the peanut butter, powdered milk and honey but I figured we'd play around with it after I discovered this recipe.

Peanut Butter Balls

INGREDIENTS

2 cups peanut butter
2 1/2 cups whole bran cereal (I subbed homemade granola)
2 cups powdered milk
1 1/2 cups raisins (I subbed dried cranberries)
3/4 cup honey (I used raw local honey)


DIRECTIONS

In a large bowl, mix together the peanut butter, bran cereal, powdered milk, raisins and honey using your hands or a wooden spoon. Roll dough into walnut sized balls. Refrigerate until serving.


The Heavenly Sugar Cookie Recipe

(my makeover and changes to it in red)

I got this from one of the large family boards I frequent often

1 1/2 cups butter, softened (I subbed expeller pressed coconut oil)

2 cups white sugar (I subbed Rapadura)

4 eggs (farm fresh and unpasteurized)

1 teaspoon vanilla extract (pure Mexican organic - you cannot imagine the taste difference of this stuff!)

5 cups all-purpose flour (I subbed freshly ground whole wheat flour)

2 teaspoons baking powder

1 teaspoon salt (I subbed Real Salt or also known as fresh sea salt)

I also added- 1 extra teaspoon of vanilla and 1 teaspoon of pure essential orange oil

DIRECTIONS

In a large bowl, cream together butter and sugar until smooth. Beat in eggs and vanilla. Stir in the flour, baking powder, and salt. Cover, and chill dough for at least one hour (or overnight). Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C). Roll out dough on floured surface 1/4 to 1/2 inch thick. Cut into shapes with any cookie cutter. Place cookies 1 inch apart on ungreased cookie sheets. Bake 6 to 8 minutes in preheated oven. Cool completely.

And as long as I'm listing recipes out I had someone email and request the homemade granola recipe. So, here it is! With wonderful thanks to the Zesch's and their wonderful cooking when we go to the retreats every Feb. This is not the soft chewy granola bar recipe we have made but the crispy cereal kind we just tried making. It too was a huge success and there is no end at all as to what you can add to it or tweak to your own liking.

Homemade Granola

1/2 C. Expeller Pressed Coconut Oil

2/3 C. local raw honey

1/2 C. water

1 t. organic Mexican vanilla

1 t. maple flavor

dash salt

6-7 C. Organic large cut oats

1/2 C. raw sunflower seeds

1/2 C. flax seeds

1/2 C. pumpkin seeds

1/2 C. almonds

1/2 C. raw wheat germ

choice of dried fruit (raisins, apricots, cranberries, etc.)

carob or chocolate chips

Directions:

Boil oil, honey and water. Add 1 tsp vanilla and/or maple flavor and a dash of salt. Pour over dry ingredients. Mix well. Spread out on 2 greased cookie sheets. Bake at 350 for 10 minutes. Stir and bake another 7-8 min. Watch closely. After this has cooled add dry fruit and carob or chocolate chips.

Chewy Granola Bars

Mix #1:

1/3 C. brown sugar

2/3 C. peanut butter

3/4 C. local raw honey

2 tsp. raw Mexican vanilla

2 T. hot water (if needed to stick together)

Mix #2:

2 1/2 C. organic large cut oats

1 C. whole wheat flour

1/4 C. wheat germ

1/2 C. sunflower seeds

1 T. Sesame seeds

1 C. chocolate chips or carob chips

1/2 C. dried fruit and flax seeds mixed

Directions:

Stir together each mixture in separate bowls. Mix well. Mix the 2 mixtures together. Grease a 9x13 in pan with expeller pressed coconut oil. Bake at 350 for 15-20 minutes. Cut while warm. Cool before completely handling.

And I also found out that the Bosch now has an attachment that makes rolled oats for oatmeal, yogurt toppers and granola straight from the wheat berries. Just when I thought it couldn't be topped they came out with another attachment we will put to substantial use. I have to save for it but it will be well worth it in the end. We can have fresh, rolled, organic, homemade oats when needed. And the Bosch will also make the nut butters, which I think I already said. But with our next dry goods co op order I plan on ordering a massive amount of peanuts and some almonds to make both peanut butter and almond butter. Since Brad cannot do the peanuts we can now do our own almond butter for him. How fun is that......and how healthy and cheap?????!!!!!! Doesn't get much better!