Love You Forever

We hosted the family birthday party here at our home yesterday. As always, that has to be the highlight of the year around here for everybody. There is nothing in the world like packing 26 people that you love more than life itself into your humble house. More on that later...with some pics. But among the gifts received was this little children's book from Daddy with a letter explaining what it meant to him. I have seen this book many times when passing it by in stores or even sitting around in different waiting rooms of offices. Honestly, I just thought it was a little book on potty training, given the picture on the cover, and never gave it much thought. I laughed at the whimsical gift when opened and was told to read the letter later. In bed, much later that night, I retrieved the card and read the letter it held inside and my interest was peaked by his words. I picked up the book that lay beside me in the bed and read it while Brad was in the shower. It only took a few pages into it when tears became uncontrollable. I sought to blame it on being overly emotional with this pregnancy and fought off the embarrassment that was creeping in. On the first 4 pages my mind passed over each and every one of my sweet growing babies and the nights I have rocked them back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Their faces passed before my mind and heart. But as I came to the page of the 9 year old boy the tears poured. I saw sweet baby Grayson and how much he has grown and grown and grown. The words rang true to my heart as I read how this 9 year old boy never wanted to come in for dinner, never wanted to take a bath and I thought of his independence and humor and how big it had grown from that little baby not so long ago. I turned the page and I read my heart in this little tiny children's book. How the mother quietly opened the door to his room and looked up over the side of the bed. "If he was really asleep she picked up that nine year old boy and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she rocked him she sang......"

I know my own frustrations so often felt by this growing boy but I know the love so deep, so endearing, so lifelong, for this growing boy. I see in him the sweet baby I rocked not so long ago and the boy that is still so very there....so boyish yet so grown with his collection of frogs, geckos, snakes, guns, knives, rocks and his deep love of the outside, solving any and all problems and trouble shooting the world. My arms ached to hold his 10 year old body and rock him and tell him just how very much I love him and how I will always be his mother, my love as enduring as the day I rocked his tiny body for the 1st time.

I saw Garrison, Grant, Garrett and Gavin and how quickly they are following in Grayson's growing footsteps. I saw Garrison's and Grant's long gangly little bodies, just mere days away from being 4 years old. It seems like just only a mater of mere months ago I was holding and nursing 2 sweet babies and watching them do everything for the 1st time. I see their baby pictures around me and it seems like they should still be so little. I hear them talk and their animated stories of all of life. I see their independence and I hold onto them, hug them and shower them with kisses because I know, more now than ever, that time is a cruel thing. In only a matter of time each of these boys will be that 9 year old boy in the book.....those boys that I sneak in and hold at night.

I watch Evye and Aubrey dance around the room in their long flowy dresses in their carefree state. I see their total lack of inhibition and their innocence as their soft girly hair blows. It seems like a still image caught in a freeze frame in my mind. Will I remember this moment the rest of my life? Will I remember their twirling dresses and their girlhood laughter as they change and make their way into womanhood, not so very far around that ticking clock's corner? I watched Aubrey run in total freedom and childhood glee across the yard of Nanny's and Pawpaw's. Blond hair blowing behind her, orange summer dress running through the dark summer green grass. I am taken with her beauty and her absolute love of life and the innocence of it all. I am in awe that these 2 girls dancing and running around were so freely given to me. Sometimes I find it hard to believe I gave birth to these 2 girls, so beautiful and so feminine. I find myself inadvertently thumbing through the pages of my mind and repeating the lyrics to the song "Cinderella". The words, now so well known, ring no less true with Brad or me. I see our 2 girls as they sway and dance and the song play out in my head and life as the time passes too swiftly. Again, tears well.

I stand in awe of these beautiful children that I hold. I think it is harder with the 1st ones because you truly begin to understand how fast the clock ticks away the minutes, hours, years, decades. It is a realization of letting time sift through your fingers like sand while still all the while taking in, absorbing and cherishing absolutely every minute of the present. It is so hard sometimes to carry that out in life with the busyness of life, attitudes and character still needing to be taught and instilled into these precious lives, and the everyday chaos that goes along with raising children......be it 1 or 8 or 20. But I hold onto these moments in time, knowing that it is not my desire for them to remain little but to watch them grow into God fearing men and women capable of changing the world and making their impact upon it. But I hold onto this time knowing it is so fleeting. These little hands that bring in bouquets of flowers, small little voices that sing- song the words "I love you, Mama". Bare muddy little feet tracking their way through the house and baby toys strung out all along the most traveled paths. Little shoes laying about in constant need of finding their companion and their designated place in the closet.

When I closed the book with tears still flowing freely I made my way to their room where they all slept peacefully. I tried to wake Grayson to whisper how much I love him but his sleep was deep and continued on undisturbed, despite my efforts. I kissed him on his forehead and gently ran my fingers through his hair, remembering what it was to place my hand over his huge round baby head. His face so still and so peaceful in his deep nighttime slumber looked so much like that baby I held 10 short years ago. I then made my way to Garrison and Grant and kissed each of them softly on their heads and gently stroked their faces. Garrison smiled in his sleep and Grant moved closer to Garrison as I whispered how very much I love them. Aubrey looked like a sleeping china doll with her gently closed eyes and hair brushed away from her face, her perfectly pink cheeks and rosy little lips. I kissed her head and whispered the same words to her. Garrett, sleeping peacefully below her on his bottom bunk, still looked like a baby with his Bessie Pease Gutman chubbiness and huge round head covered in thick white-blond hair. His chubby cheeks were so kissable and his stout little body so perfect. Next was Evye who slept in her big white tall bed. She looked so long and tall and feminine, so very pretty and elegant in her sleep, and I could for a moment see what she will be when she is 20. I whispered the same words of love into her ear as she continued to sleep in peace in the quiet of the room. And then I left them to continue on in their sleep as they grow and change as the minutes pass by. I stopped at Gavin's door to listen for any noise and wanting a reason to rock and hold him but he slept on. Knowing Brad was waiting on me I left Gavin's bedroom door and quietly tip-toed back to my own bed to try and embrace these sweet moments in life. These nights that all of our children are still young, and still just a short walk down the hallway from us. And I looked forward to the morning when I could awake to their clatter and noise of morning activity and know that they are all here with me for this time in life.

Time is so very short and the years pass so fast. So, I hold my 10 year old boy and sing:

"I'll love you forever,

I'll like you for always,

As long as I'm living

my baby you'll be."