Pretty Days Are Here Again

The Table

Soooooo.....we went and picked up our table. Being the queen of practicality that I have somehow become my greatest desire was to have nothing less than a church utility folding table. I have no desire to waste money on any kind of expensive furniture when dealing with the scratches, spills, pen, paint and marker markings and everything else that goes along with many little kids' constant use of a flat surface. My goal was to construct a table for free from used up ancient doors from around the town but since every person in this town seems to know what exactly lies in their trash heap that's been sitting on their crapped out piece of property for no less than 10 years I figured it was best if I just steer clear of trash heaps. I'll keep our property clean and just imagine what their's would look like if their lazy ass actually got up from behind the bags of Doritos and beef jerky and the pack of cigarettes and bent over a few times to pick up mounds of crap to make their place even somewhat worthy of a primitive residence. But since my old door trash heap plan didn't fare so well we had to go back to our original plan of a traditional table and chairs....that cost money. So it is that somehow my own dear sweet dad was made aware of this problem and admires our dedication to staying out of debt. So out of nowhere we went from having no dining table for an entire year and a half to finally acquiring one that fits our family size. Our last table, as great as it was, only sat 6 comfortably and at the very most a cramped 8....and the bottom of the chairs were tearing up our floor. But reality was that we'd outgrown it about 20 kids ago....not to mention any guests, friends or extra people that might be present. Anyway....there's your brief synopsis of how we came to the period in our life where we picnic-ed on our own floor for a year or more.

Since these great 8 ft tables are a bit more narrow than your traditional table our family required 2 of them. It was a really amazing thought in theory..........to have a table that seats us all at one time, that is. But...........I have come to the conclusion that if our house is about 1800 square feet these table are no less than 1,797 square feet. When entering the backdoor the only thing evident is the great sea of white in which one must then either mount and walk across or get down on all fours and crawl beneath to reach any other portion of the house. But seeing as how they are no less than the length of the house it would not be a hard feat to crawl beneath and just get spit out at our bedroom door. It may just keep clutter to a minimum seeing as how any kind of play takes place underneath it all and is never visible to the remaining three square feet of the house left untabled.

So, in all reality, I am entirely grateful for our new official place to dine...it'll just take some getting used to as I look out from any portion of our house and see an expanse as large as the Amazon rain forest covered in nothing but table. It does not really ever occur to me how many children 8 really is until we require something large enough to accommodate us all.....like a 15 passenger beast of a vehicle....or a table as large as the Sahara desert and as long as the Great Divide. 10 people is kind of a lot of people. I have come to the conclusion that the Duggar's table must be twice the size of our house. Truth is....we have just outgrown the dining space given in this house. We have somehow managed to make this house work so very well to meet all of our needs. And I am absolutely in love with our little 3 bedroom home that is so very easy to keep clean, uncluttered and under control. I never really ever thought we'd outgrow any part of it, as there always seems to be a way to make it all work and fit. And the motto is......if it doesn't fit, chunk it. I love living by that rule.

So it is that we make this work and live with the new furniture arrangement. Maybe someday we'll close in the closer carport and turn our living area into our dining area and make the closed in carport our new living area. I doubt it, but it's worth dreaming about. And I am entirely grateful to have a place to sit and eat...besides the couch. Every meal feels like we're dining out at this huge expanse of a table. Maybe had I not spent the entire day in the kitchen fixing meals it'd really feel like we're eating out.

And, as any children do, after a mere 10 minutes of having it all set up they proceeded to cloak the entire arrangement in blankets and make an indoor fort...in which they plan on sleeping in tonight. As much as I love the creativity they possess it only added to our new claustraphobic conditions that I am having to condition myself to. They were eventually allowed to leave their under table fort part in place but the 981 blankets on top that took up the entire surface of it all had to temporarily go for eating purposes. They will be allowed to recloak it all tonight before sleeping. Then tomorrow all blankets get folded and put back up til a rainy day.

All 8 are burrowed beneath here despite the fact that you can only see 1 at the moment in this picture. They later glorified it even more by adding the small children's/coffee table to it and making an "entrance". That made me so claustraphobic that I couldn't think to get a picture of it all. But they definitely are having the time of their lives with it. Who knew the novelty that a kitchen table would be around here???? They have clearly been deprived the last year and a half of their lives.

And on a small town note........I do so love where we live. With all 75 chickens completely out of food yesterday and pasture bugs being at a minimum at the current moment we headed off the 16 miles to go get some feed along with making our egg deliveries. In the rush to get there before 5pm feed store closing time everybody was thrown into the van and we sped away. Upon arrival realization occurred that in our rush my purse...translated into any amount of money....had failed to make the trip with us. I sat contemplating exactly what to do. Chickens had been out of food going on 24 hours and to wait another 12 didn't seem too very fair to them. Knowing strapping, young feed store owner by name at this point it seemed we had no other option and he is always more than kind. Grayson and I entered with me explaining our predicament. Without much thought at all he gladly threw a 50 bag over Grayson's shoulder and then threw one over his own and hauled it out to the van for us. I felt a bit like hugging him at that moment. So, with a small town IOU we took off into the sunset with 2 bags of unpaid for chicken feed. We proceeded to make our egg rounds and then a little disappointingly went home since there was not exactly any way to pay for the Sonic coke I had been longing for all day long. Had I felt like trying I might could've talked them into an IOU too....but I didn't. So, today plans include bread making, yet another 16 miles there and 16 mile return excursion to pay back the feed store, and a huge Sonic coke.

Another Mile Down:11:40

It's slower than last time by 5 seconds but I figure after having had severe shin splints and then being down with bronchitis it wasn't too bad. The good news is that I actually had to walk 1/8 of a mile and still was only 5 seconds behind my last time. I figured I must have picked it up a notch in speed to have walked a minute of it but still only been 5 seconds slower. Not bad. I will safely say that it is not exactly in the best interest of one's lungs to try and run when a constant lingering cough resides. Lung capacity feels as though it is but a fraction of what it should be. But I sucked it up....literally....and completed the whole mile....then walked another 1/2 mile before and after. Rested awhile and got coughing and wheezing back under control and went on to do 50 jump squats. That was fun til the legs wanted to give and coughing resumed even more out of control than it was from my running endeavors. Soooo...despite the fact I drank about a bottle and a half of cough medicine yesterday and drained the inhaler I have come to the realization that there is some hidden disclaimer that if any physical exertion has been put forth it does not work............at. all. No amount of homeopathic remedies even dented it. And I searched the world over and about tried them all. The insanity factor is...I'm going to go do it all over again tomorrow. I'm tired of waiting for all the circumstances to be right and everything to heal itself. So..shins were in only minor pain yesterday and coughing will eventually be overcome one way or another. I figure maybe all the new, fresh air in there will help speed up the recovery process...maybe. In theory, at least. But until then, I plan on running.

The reality of it all is..........I must admit to some amount of defeat which just does not ever bode well to this soul of mine. There is no way I'm going to be able to run a 5K in a mere 2 weeks. I can barely put out one mile. If I had some breathing ability I could probably put in a good mile and a half. But, as is, it's not really happening. This to me is a huge blow....because I failed. I'm not about to give it all up just because I didn't make my self appointed deadline. The next 5K here is not until June 26th. That just sounds kinda hot and really unfun. There's a ton of them around the DFW area so if we can pull it off I have every intention of competing in one up there sometime in April. It sounds cooler and will keep me going.

For now...the children and I are headed to town to finally purchase our new dining table and chairs. Our children will no longer be in danger of suffering from mesasilla disorder. I'm afraid my own best friend of a mother was fearful of children suffering some mental illness due to the lack of an official place to eat. That combined with the fact that I have cooked every meal for the last 2 weeks constituted the great need for a place to actually plant ourselves to partake of it all. Due to the benevolence of my own sweet dad who loves us more than life itself we now have the funds to go make our grand purchase....as we are committed to staying out of debt in every way.

The Simple Woman's Daybook

The Simple Woman's Daybook

Outside my window.....dark, cold early morning.

I am thinking......that I do not see what other people see in me.

I am thankful for.....my husband who brings sense to all of life, loves me no matter what I do and keeps me continually laughing.

I am wearing.....jeans and a sweatshirt with 3 pair of socks. Thermal camping ones are dirty and it's 25 degrees outside.....and only 3 degrees above that inside.

I am remembering......this past Friday night.

I am going......to learn Hebrew.

I am reading......Managers of their Home, The Mommy that Stayed Home, Amy Carmichael

I am hoping.....that oneday we will have twins again.

I am hearing......."So in Love" by Jeremy Camp

On my mind.....Messianic Judaism

Noticing that.....I have the ability to wake at 5:30am with energy.

Pondering these words....."Discipline means training to become stronger, not just correction when one does something wrong. Perseverance means sticking to the task God has given you, even when it means suffering. Joy is to be found when one doesn't take life or one's self too seriously."

From the kitchen......chocolate raspberry coffee with sweet buttercream creamer, bacon, eggs and toast awaiting children.

Around the house.....lots of sleeping children, clean floors and bathrooms, a mama cat and her 3 newborn kittens tucked warmly in a basket in our laundry room and 2 more purring cats...one of which lays in my lap, the other on the bed behind me

One of my favorite things....sunrise.

From my picture journal......

Weekend Getaway

My daytime fast from the computer wasn't exactly supposed to turn into a total removal from it entirely...but I'm still very much learning how to balance it all and complete everything within a mere 12 hour period. I could not let the kitchen overcome me as I struggle with my own domestic side of self...or lack thereof..... so each day includes in it a time to prepare each and every meal. So, in my time away from here last week I managed to very successfully complete homemade lasagna, homemade crescent rolls, chicken spaghetti, and a myriad of other dinners. I think I finally surmised that it's not exactly that I CAN'T cook but more that I just don't entirely like it....like, by alot. Just cause I'm doing it doesn't really mean I enjoy it anymore than I did a few weeks ago. It was more than a little gratifying to have the rolls turn out though. Little bit of redemption going on, I suppose. In the midst of it all I also managed to come up with a homemade breakfast every morning ready and warm when the children awake. It's been everything from breakfast casserole to pancakes...and then of course, frozen waffles. This time, breakfast instead of dinner. But.....it's progressing beyond cereal, I suppose. So, it is that I struggle with my own time management until I really get the hang of being proficient at it all. At the moment it's either schooling, cooking, managing children and cleaning..or blogging. Oneday I'll get it all down and fit it all in. One thing is definite.....waking at hours before the sun even awakes doesn't really leave much room for 2 am bedtimes.





Valentine's Day brought with it a small bit of paradise as sweet husband and I escaped without any children at all for a romantic little getaway. With much thanks to my own dear mother we left the children and drove away into the 30th day of dreary clouds. I do love cold gray days and the hot morning coffee, soup, and comforting chili dinners they bring but after days and days on end it begins to wear on the soul of one. There is much to be said for sunshine splashed days and the joy that the sun just naturally brings with it. Mud laden pastures turning their faces to warm sun, puddles reflecting blinding rays of radiance, little girls running, long blond hair transformed to gold in sun's glory, little boys wildly taking down their unseen enemies on sundrenched days, huge dogs sprawled out in sunny patches of warmth. Yes...I do love the sun. Somehow the dreariness has a way of penetrating to the core of one after such prolonged periods. So we left our little tiny bit of heaven and traveled the familiar miles back to the city and into the 6 inches of remaining snow, mud and slush. Joined by sweet friends we made our rounds on the town.....a rare quiet weekend without the presence of any children at all. It does the heart good every once in awhile just to go and regroup. Hotel room, no meals to prepare, no laundry to do, nothing to pick up, a bed that is made by some blessed person other than my own self. Although....with time to spare Saturday morning and nothing else better to do I did make the bed despite the service hotels have going for them. Though we have never really been one to celebrate America's commercially appointed love day I did tell adoring husband that I think we need to make a tradition of this and do an annual weekend away. It does the heart and the marriage good. Despite the huge disappointment of tattoo not being completed we did manage to make a memorable weekend out of the deal...but then we manage to make just about everything pretty memorable.



So it is that I am left with a rare quiet afternoon after the busyness and fun of a weekend spent away. Older children gone with working husband. I do love my life. Contentment fills my soul as I sit and contemplate so many mixed emotions that seem to be a common part of life these days. Messy brown headed little girl jabbers at my side. Dark eyes shining she flashes me a smile that rivals anything I have known in life. Time stands still as I gaze at her...heart and mind pondering the miracle that she is mine. Beautiful, petite, dark eyed baby....blessedly mine. Handful of handsome little boys play loudly behind closed doors, sounds of jets, tanks and guns can be heard. I listen to the total immersion of imagination. 4 little boys all resembling the other, 4 little minds working together to create a world that only they can see, 4 pair of hands all joined in play, learning how to give, trade and take in life...learning to navigate, making it all work beyond the existence of only one's self. Glorious sun beckons the body to come run and be free. Urge cannot be reckoned with, desire overcomes. My heart gives in to this untimely afternoon call, schedule laid down I don warm layers and tie shoes. Feet finally hit familiar dirt once more and exhilaration of life pervades. Power, self discipline, freedom, confidence, clarity of thought and purpose. It is comforting yet powerful to the soul.



My heart knows no greater joy or fulfillment.

Update to Schedule

Alright, the more I think it through, pour over all of the managers of their homes, school and chores the more I realize that this is an entirely elementary chart and way of life. And there's stuff I forgot to put on the list like emptying trash and emptying and sorting dirty clothes baskets at the end of each day that they are already doing. So, I'll have to insert those as well. And as far as each individual school subject I've got to break it down even more and assign it into 30 minute or hour minute slots, whichever they need for each subject. So, it's very much a huge work in progress. And the manager books are encyclopedias to read....and there's 3 of them. So...working my way through those. Indeed they are worth their weight in gold, in my opinion. Kind of overwhelming though too....and a ton to absorb at one time. I'll probably be good at all of this and have it all down just in time for sweet Ivye's graduation. So, I'll trouble shoot and update when I can on this specific topic. And honestly, I do really enjoy seeing other families' schedules also. Just kind of figured the smaller families and single people readers are more than likely fighting off insane amounts of boredom. My hope is to update on here once I get the master chart done which include chores, school and home responsibilities. Every task is assigned down to 30 minute increments. Ohhh....to be there oneday.....and I will be! Hopefully sooner rather than later.

Managers of their Homes

Managers of their Chores

Managers of their School

The Practical Side of Life

I can honestly say that though we have not entirely drifted off course we have strayed a little too far in recent months...maybe even perhaps gone beyond drifting and actually been steered a little off course by the hands of those that hold the helm....which would be none other than mine. Hard working husband is gone the majority of the time these days so it is up to me to keep us on course...which I have not fared so well at doing. My overwhelmed, depressed, unmotivated and even all out apathetic state have done our family a huge disservice. Though the house is pretty much always straight, since I pretty much thrive on clean and organized, any kind of structure to our days has dissipated over time throughout all of this. So, in bringing it back in order to return to the very needed organized days of our lives I have planned, charted, and made lists of everything needing to be done and who does what. In so doing I came to the realization and conviction that my computer time must be limited to only nights. Since I rarely spend any night hours on the computer when long awaited husband is home then that pretty much limits me to night time posts on shift nights. Kinda sucks...cause I just like to write...whether anybody ever reads or not. But I cannot successfully run a ship from a computer desk while barking orders at my crew from a stationary position. I must be the motivational captain....so I rise to the occasion and go to tend my flock...or man my crew....or just do my job.





I will say the rewards are entirely far reaching. There is nothing in the world like hearing a 2 year old quote Scripture as he wiggles around and plays until finally drifting off into slumber or watching 3 year old's eyes shine as he stands doing hand motions and quoting verse upon verse that he has amazed me by memorizing in his tiny little brain. Even after 12 years of parenting they continue to amaze me by what they are capable of and how moldable their tiny hearts are. So it is that I take over my days once more as I teach, instruct and mold 8 younger lives into something that will hopefully exhibit the very essence of God and each of their callings as they grow and mature. Writing personal thoughts a good portion of the day is completely therapeutic for my own self but it fails to result in schooled children, an organized day or a clean house. So it is that with great amounts of self discipline I pull myself away from the computer during all daytime hours as I take a daytime fast from all computer related projects...such as writing, research and everything else for which I continually put it to use.



And for my own memory in years to come....cause I know I will never in my life remember the mundane.....and the really bored at heart who wonder what exactly the days of a little large unknown family in Texas look like......here's a rundown of our old schedule that has now been modified and adapted to integrate 3 new ones into the school/chore schedule. And one of these days when I finish...if I ever finish....managers of their entire lives I will post a much more detailed chart of what our goals are for each day. I am quite certain every reader out there could absolutely care less what we do all day long but for my own benefit...the very reason for this blog....I will post it for me.



For now...and it's working so we'll stick with it for as long as it works. We only do 4 day school weeks so this is our routine M-Th. On Fridays we change it up and use school time to do science fun stuff, "field" trips to the lake or wherever sounds like fun that has collectible stuff like rocks, shells and whatever, and art projects....or for months like Nov, Dec and Apr we focus on art and fun stuff that have to do with the holiday. Homemade nativities, toilet paper roll pilgrims, a foil panned real grass garden with a tomb and a rolled away stone (complete w/ picket fence...but I'm thinkin Jesus probably didn't have a picket fence going where he was buried), etc. Our Friday afternoon routine does not differ from M-Th and is carried out as usual with the same chores so the house does not ever get out of control. And we do carry out the same chores on Saturday as well though the schedule is not as rigid. And yes....when it says Evye cleans bathrooms, she does everyday. With 4 little boys all using toilets all day long along with everybody else we have going they desperately need to be cleaned every single day.

Along the chore lines.....I was cleaning a dr's office for my mother's cleaning business and having to meet OSHA standards at the age of 13, my brother only 11. So, I am certain that appropriate aged children can clean and clean well. So, when I say they do dishes, cabinets, mop and clean bathrooms it has to meet my standards. I'm a little more forgiving than OSHA but my standards require that it be ready for and acceptable to guests. There is no acceptance for half heartedly completed work. We seek to teach them that they are to honor the Lord in absolutely everything they do from school work to even the most mundane of cleaning bathrooms and scrubbing the bases of toilets to picking up dog poop and cleaning up mounds and mounds and mounds of chicken crap.

Sooooo.....this all sounds good in theory but each day has it's own share of unforeseen detours and the unexpected. Obviously there is nothing in me that is an expert on any of this seeing as how we've been out of the routine since late October. But once applied we fell right back into the groove. But this is all said very, very, very humbly, as it rarely goes completely according to plan. We do manage to get all of each thing accomplished 98% of the time but the playtime is totally dependant on how much each one has chosen to fool around while doing their assigned tasks. If it somehow took 1 1/2 hrs for handwriting alone since they saw fit to lay all over the couch, hang upside down from the fans, put batteries in toys for little siblings, return to the water jug so that they have successully drunk 2 gallons of water 8 ounces at a time in a 2 hour period and roll around enough that they fall off the top bunk multiple times then their playtime is highly cramped. Example.....just last week Grayson took 1 1/2 hrs for one subject and then chose to make clothes folding...as it was rainy and no outside chores could be completed so he pitched in indoors....take 3 entire hours he went straight from school to chores to dinner to shower to bed. They do this enough times and they quickly figure out that they can significantly speed up their day. Bad attitudes and whining also earn them more chores so so they may have more than just the basics of what are listed. This, of course, uncomfortably cramps playtime too. And for running each other down or fighting they take on one of their "victim's" chores in an effort to not only apologize with words but also show through physical demonstration and acts of love that they are sorry and they do value that person. So, this schedule is highly variable but provides a good outline as to how our days are structured.

Anyway...for my records in years to come and for the truly bored at heart......


5:30 - I wake. Shower, dress, make-up. See Brad off, morning Bible reading and prayer, computer time, coffee, run. On the days I run this early the shower/dressed for day/make-up routine waits til after I am done. On the days it is too cold to run I just go running during naptime.

7:30 - All children wake



7:30-8 - Grayson -dress for day & all outside chores (all dog care, all chicken care..there's 75 so it takes awhile)
Evye & Aubrey- dress for day & dress all little boys
I feed, bathe and dress Ivye



8:00-9:00 - breakfast for everyone, kitchen clean-up by everyone (dishes, cabinets, wipe down table, sweep), bedroom clean-up (make beds, pick up stray books from reading the night before, pick up any contraband that saw fit to creep its way into the little boys' beds as they went to bed the night before), brush teeth



9:00-noon - school



9:00-10:00 - family Bible w/ all 8, Scripture memorization work, missionaries and geography/history work w/ all 8 (Ivye goes down for nap at 9:30 so geography/history is done without her running around digging in drawers or filling the toilets with Fruit Loops)



10- 10:45 - Grayson - math on computer
Evye - spelling, handwriting
Aubrey - reading lessons with me
4 little boys - puzzles, car mats, "school" books, playdoh

11-noon - Grayson - spelling, language arts (letter writing or blogging which I edit), handwriting
Evye - language arts (same with her - though she favors letter writing), math which requires me teaching her for now. Next year will be computer work for her also.
Aubrey - math, spelling, handwriting
Garrison, Grant and Garrett - reading lessons w/ me

Noon-1:00 - lunch, brush teeth

1-1:30 - kitchen clean-up (same as breakfast), floor pickup

1:30-3:30 - Grayson chores: M-Th- Brad's shop, playroom, outside pickup, poop duty, van clean out. Fridays are clean the chicken coop day.
Evye chores - fold clothes, clean all bathrooms, extra inside detail work I assign
Aubrey - fold clothes
Garrison and Grant - help Grayson with all chores
Garrett, Gavin, Ivye - nap

I use this time to organize, going room by room organizing and doing detailed cleaning....and maybe try to blog every few days when I grow weary of chasing my tail in the cleaning world. If morning run did not happen I use this time to run.


3:30-dinner - all outside play where they jump for hours, axe down trees, climb the trees they don't chop down, build forts, dig holes to China, play war, conquer the Alamo, change the outcome of Pearl Harbor, save the Titanic, rescue earthquake victims, avoid falling into volcanoes, predict tornadoes and then survive them all and just, in general, use tons of imagination and pent up energy

6-7:00 dinner

7-8 - Grayson - kitchen duty
Evye - dining duty, sweep, mop
Aubrey - help w/ dining and kitchen duties
little 5 - baths

8:00 - Grayson - shower
Evye/Aubrey - shower
little 5 in bed

8:30-9:15 - reading in bed for older 3

9:15 - Lights out


And then we start all over again!!

And I am fully aware that this was the most mundane, most boring post ever but it is most definitely the practical side of life.....and the realization that I must take a daytime fast from the computer while I focus on life beyond me. Yep....pretty humbling when one realizes they have become so self absorbed that life is no longer about who is around them but just merely their own emotions and how to get through the day in one piece. So it is that I pull my head out of places where the sun doesn't shine and regain structure and think beyond my own emotions and everything that self absorption is, refocusing on even just a few of the thousands of gifts I have been given in life....a husband desperately in love with me and that adores absolutely everything about me despite my many idiosyncrasies and entirely fallible ways, 8 absolutely beautiful children, and the fact that I live in a country that allows me the freedom to teach those 8 children. HSLDA and Texas Home School Coalition do great and mighty things to fight for that freedom and for that I am so entirely thankful.

The "blessed" list could go on infinitely but, as is.....the hot shower beckons, my long awaited, newly released, station night movie calls and graham crackers and icing along with some hot tea are sounding pretty good.

Picture Catch Up

It's been awhile for pictures. It's easier just posting them all now rather than trying to make a post and insert them here, there and everywhere.

Why does every kid see fit to wear their underwear on their head??? It's just kinda disgusting but they've all done it.

Hard at play. What our days are made of.

Aubrey's 7th birthday!

Her cake...and she's not 61. We failed to get a number 7 since I assured her time and time again that we have every number from 1-9. Soooo...we kinda didn't afterall. We have them all...except for 7. We always put the big wax number along with the number of straight stick candles that corresponds with their age. In an effort to make up for the lack of a number 7 I just figured that 6 + 1 makes.....7!

Getting some help while he plays
Wild girl

The Simple Woman's Daybook

The Simple Womans' Daybook

Here we go again....already.

Outside my window....cloudy....with a chance of meatballs

I am thinking....that I'm ready for this weekend...and it's only Monday.

I am thankful....for a massive washing machine that does hours and hours of hard work. So grateful that I no longer have a small washer and even more....that I am not out at a nasty, funky river with a washboard and a clothesline.

From the kitchen....homemade whole wheat macaroni and cheese for lunch and homemade pizza for dinner

I am wearing.....ugh. This question just gets me cause the answers are always just so unappealing, unsexy and just plain boring. Soooo.....jeans....a hard earned size 8 (I've got to liven this up somehow), a black Texas deer t-shirt and socks...no shoes. I don't really believe in shoes. They're about like panty hose...you don't put them on unless you plan on going somewhere. But even then...I don't wear panty hose...but I do wear shoes.

I am going.....to bring back structure to our home and utilize Managers of their Homes and Managers of their Chores which I was given for my birthday in Sept but was too overwhelmed with life to ever implement.

I am reading.....the compost book....still. It's slow going. And the biography of William and Catherine Boothe...founders of the Salvation Army.

I am hoping.....to have a very sheduled schedule by the end of this week.

I am hearing......Little Big Town's "Bring it on Home to Me" along with a bunch of laughing little boys who are supposed to be napping.

Around the house.....a pair of muddy boots, a jump rope, an unfinished board game, strewn out schoolwork, tons of little die cast cars and planes, a ton of beds waiting for the return of their sheets, a humming washing machine and the smell of Charlie's Soap cleaner.

One of my favorite things....an empty laundry room.

A few plans for the rest of the week.....to survive it.

From my picture journal...

What happens when you've been sick and in bed for 2 days. But....it has been conquered..washed, folded and put up.

The Anger of it All

So I'm thinkin maybe 110 pushups in one day...then another 90 the next, then another 50 the next......wasn't such a grand idea. Granted, they are still girly pushups, as in half body, at the present moment but still very much pushups none the less. I did manage to pull off 15 full body "man" pushups in the midst of all those numbers. But where my left arm has completely recovered in the muscle soreness realm my right arm is another story. It doesn't want to work at all. No pain, no gain, I suppose. So, I continue on.

I've had to lay off the running yet again due to chest stuff. There has been no sickness since June of last year but whatever hit decided to strike full force and I'm fairly certain I have bronchitis. Feeling like someone ignited an inferno in the chest, croupy cough coming deep from within, the familiar feeling of blowing fire when I wheeze in and out. Entirely frustrated with it all I asked knowledgeable husband if running is wise at this point since it may just get everything moving and I could just cough it all out. But, sadly, it doesn't seem to work quite like that and I traded in running for my bed today. Steamy shower to see if that might help me find my voice once more, fleece lined sweat pants and shirt, chicken soup and a 3 hr nap.

Cold steady slow soaking rain falls and beckons the feet to take off in it...despite the feelings of total crapiness. It's hard to fight off the urge. I think I've finally discovered that there is healing that comes in physical pain....running, pushups, squats, pushing everything to the limit. The anger and frustration pounds itself out and I come back a much better, more peaceful, fulfilled and content person. After a rainy, cold grocery day into town yesterday and the awful, mean people we were met with my own retaliatory, vengeful yearnings were enough to scare even me and allow me to see how far I have drifted from my normal, laid back, peace and oneness with everyone in the world self. The lady that spoke harshly and rudely to well behaved Evye and Aubrey was in danger of being hunted down and scalped. Her nastily rude, crapped out comment..."Y'all just don't know where you're going, do you??" as they stood perfectly behaved was enough to provoke me into action. As the two of them actually moved to allow her to pass the spot we occupied I seethed. Evye and Aubrey together seriously took up less room than her 300 lb butt did yet she had the audacity to be put out because they were in her way.....after our entire family had to steer around her wide load and slow browsing ways to get passed her only seconds ago???? Ummm......no. At least, not today. Patient husband was a bit amused by my vindictiveness and fit of anger. His soft words didn't exactly turn away my wrath but kept me from hunting the woman down with a shotgun. As we continued to run into many fellow firefighters we stood visiting and chatting. Yet one after another passing geriatric grew irritated and ugly with our children who seemed to be the most responsible for mass space occupation. Why do people see fit to say such nasty things and be so awful to children and give such crapped out looks to the very men that are probably going to do chest compressions on them in less than a week??? Why do people bother growing so mad when all they have to do is just steer around their presumed road block or, even better....find an altogether different route. Cause I am quite certain they are in need of nothing where we all stand since there is nothing around where we stand. I just don't get it. The cold rain seemed to bring out the worst, most impatient people that reside in this part of Texas...including me. And my zero tolerance capacity for all of life right now became apparent. Even the FLDS Eldorado compound women were out shopping with their broods of 8 and 10 children yet they have the arrogance to look down upon our more heathen looking family since we are not all looking like Pa and Ma Ingalls with Mary, Laura and Carrie in tow. About the 50th old woman that huffed, puffed, grunted and murmured in disgust I'd had it. With Brad left talking to yet another firefighter the children and I continued down our shopping list. As the children all stood lined up out of the way of other shoppers one specific old woman that we'd passed on multiple isles said nastily to Garrison, who happened to be the nearest one to her but still remained completely out of her right of way...."Little boy, little boy. Move over and out of my way. There are just too many of y'all." That did it for me so I stepped forward and addressed her..."Ma'am. Believe it or not, it is not their mission in life to piss you off. If you would notice they have each smiled genuinely at you despite your disdain for them. Please feel free to find a different isle if they bother you that much." She promptly coughed and sputtered as if the world had done her wrong and speedily passed us by without uttering another word. With both barrels loaded and feeling completely uninhibited at this point it became my mission to go hunt the other woman down that had spoken so awfully to the girls and fire back at her. I had time to waste, the list was completed and visiting husband still stood talking to retired fireman. It probably was a good thing that I didn't find her on this occasion...despite the fact we had passed her many times after the incident. Feeling entirely frustrated and angry I could feel tears. I don't exactly understand my own emotions right now. I don't really understand the anger or why tears will fall over the smallest of things...be them entirely joyfilled or touching issues that run deep..or just mean, rude, ugly, hateful people. When in life were those people ever worth crying over...or even bothering with???

There is a deep pain that goes along with the healing of all of life. I don't think I ever understood this part of it all. I think I just figured that the pain was in the walking through the immediate moments after the fact and that time would heal. I suppose time does heal in some way, shape or form but I wasn't prepared for the deep, all encompassing pain or anger that accompanies healing. I'm not an angry person so this side of life is new and somewhat frightening. It does have a way of putting one in touch with the inner wild and crazy self. I have learned that anger can make you run for much greater distances, do a hundred more pushups than one would ever have done otherwise, and about a thousand more squats than ordinary. There is a freedom that comes in the wild and crazy...the same wild and crazy that seems to be spurred from the anger within. Wild and crazy lifelong desires that I have been too inhibited to ever do before. Thoughts that I would never before have given any room to entertain. And I know now more than I ever have that I do indeed have the strength to endure the pain...be it nose piercing or tattoo work.....and the tenacity to go through with it. There is freedom in the letting go and feeling the pain. I think for so many months now I haven't allowed myself to ever really feel it or experience it all...embrace it to push past it. I have continued to shove it on the back burner in an effort to cope. But as months pass and the healing begins I begin to remember explicit details about what took place that July night. How our own 6 year old girl was pounded so many times on the side of her head that temporary hearing loss occurred and was not regained for days and days on end. How could I forget that???...yet I did for a period of months. The explicit details and memory of it all coming back are more harsh and real than they ever have been...since it all occurred. Bruises, knife, how violated we all were that night. Having to come to the realization that there is not much punishment handed out for this since it is a first offense on his part. Having to accept that there will be little to no punishment for him at all. How someone could even do what he did. How I could let it happen. Lots to work through. Lots and lots of anger. And still more tears even 8 months after the fact. Such inner grieving as God brings me to a place in life that I have never been. I welcome it in one moment as I draw close and am brought to my knees yet resist it all the next in my fits of angry tantrums. So, the tears fall...in anger, in joy, in frustration, in realization of Who exactly God is, in knowing the Holy Spirit and feeling him more intimately than ever before in my life...as I come to see Him clearer than I ever have through all of this and am filled with total all consuming awe amidst the confusing anger. It's a confusing, emotional, painful place to be in life. But I have no doubt that I would not ever have known Him like this had we not been required to walk down this road we walk. And I know that despite my anger God is near and He knows. He knows what it is I battle, He knows the healing process.

So it is that I have a few anger issues to be dealt with. I get mad at not being successful at bread making, I get mad at white trash that shows up on my doorstep demanding back their 2 year old trash heap. Somewhere in all of this any fear that ever lived within me dissipated and in its place resides a strength that is ready to go to war with anything and anyone....so I do...cause I am just sick of being people's victim. The victim of their trash heap, the victim of their nasty crapped out lifestyle, the victim of their proudly uneducated ways, the victim of someone we trusted and allowed into our home, the victim of crotchety, old hags with bad attitudes and no patience, the victim of my own sister and the continuous turmoil of those that think they are always right and we are always in the wrong, the victim of middle aged arrogance that see our family as young white trash for having 8 young children that DO have shoes on and DO have brushed hair and DO have on clean well fitting clothes and DO behave properly and DO continue to show respect for these same people that show such disdain for them. I get mad at mean, rude one tonners that take up more space on the isle than our entire family does yet gets nasty with us cause we are in their way. I get mad when my shin is sending up sharp, paralyzing pain...so I do pushups. I get mad when my arm refuses to bend...so I do squats. I get mad at the huffing and puffing geriatrics that medic husband will probably have to go Heimlich maneuvering or oxygen bagging next week that think our family has violated some right of their's by merely occupying space. I pretty much just get mad right now. And I am ready to defend to the death everything that I think is right and pure and just...because no one else will.

That said...I know this too is not beyond God. He knows. He knows where the tears come from. He knows where the anger comes from. And I am beginning to understand that this too shall pass. It's all very much a part of this whole thing that I did not ever really fully understand or expect. But as we walk through these stages of healing concerning both Aubrey and losing Gideon and everything else in life we have had to overcome in the last 10 or so months I will embrace and enjoy the wild and crazy of it all. I will run. I will do pushups. I will do 200 squats a day. I will get my tattoo.

In the pain there is healing. And it's ok just to be mad for awhile. Perhaps the world will be a better place because of it all since I seem to be on a mission to set it all straight. And I'll definitely have a better body by the end of it.

The Simple Woman's Daybook

The Simple Woman's Daybook






So I'm thinking I could just rename the blog by this name since everytime I look up it's already Monday again and time to do this again. But it's still kinda fun. And...yep..I know it's not Monday but I didn't get to it yesterday.



Outside my window....cold, thick, dense morning fog



I am thinking....that my arms are almost completely non functional today after the 45 pushups I did yesterday morning...and afternoon.....and night. 2 full minutes 3x's a day will wake anything up.



I am thankful for....no debt.



I am wearing....flannel, black and white polka dot pajamas and a nose ring. Pajamas alone are too boring, you know.



I am remembering...the woman who came knocking on our door yesterday wanting back her torn up, crapped out patio table along with a garbage bag of strung out coke cans, 3 rotted bicycles, a gate and everything else that was heaped in trash piles on the property that we threw away after it all sat at a vacant house for 2 years and trashed the entire property out...and the fact that she is threatening to file a police report and press charges against me...and the fact that she fully admits to how trashed out her house is and that there is a ton of stuff that needs to be cleaned up but that she is fully convinced that none of the trashed out crap is her fault.....her ex-husband's, of course. And that no one is even near cleaning it all up because it is apparently everybody else's fault in the family....and the fact that as citizens of the town we have to live looking at their crap and totally accepting it.


I am going....to go run again! Finally. Then do more pushups. And then load everybody up and take off for town. And not remember the scary, trashy woman that showed up on my doorstep yesterday.



I am currently reading....a book about composting, Gladys Aylward, George Mueller



I am hoping.....that sweet, humorous husband will be home for awhile today instead of working.....though I am entirely grateful for the work.



On my mind......laundry, schooling children, dinner and the fact that God completely healed our oven so I am obligated to cook something.



Noticing that.....it is quite painful to the biceps and triceps to pick up a 2 year old and set him in my lap right now



Pondering these words...."Holy Fire burn away my desire for anything that is not of You and is of me. I want more of You and less of me."..... "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters to what lies within us."



From the kitchen....chocolate raspberry coffee in my favorite polka dot and striped cup.



Around the house.....a massive 100 lb dog that loves to lay at my feet while I type, shower, school or do anything else. ....and 2 cats that I have come to love despite my dislike of cats.



One of my favorite things....a shower after a good run, clean wet hair and smell good spray.





From my picture journal....

Laying Bare the Soul

Morning sun over horizon. Fog rests so thickly it blankets all of life...my own thoughts. I seek to rid myself of this burden but it proves to be difficult. Like every morning before, cold morning wind will blow and lift fog but my own dark veil will remain....not so easily shrugged off...or blown away. I wrestle with wicked heart...hiding behind curtains of perfection....innocence. There is freedom in weightlessness. There is freedom in truth. And above all else in life I have come to appreciate people that are real....real stories, real life, real emotions. Facades repulse me. Arrogance and pride are some of my most hated traits in other people. Self righteous people absolutely nauseate me. I have no joy in even being somewhat near them. In fact..it is safe to say I loathe this in other people. But as fog shrouds all of life my mental clutter....burdens of the mind and heart....overwhelms and the fog that entraps the soul is dense.





Deep deep battles that wage within. Who am I to speak of pride and arrogance when I fight the battles I do within? What is being real and laying bare your soul if one only portrays the greatest, glorious moments of one's life...the picture perfect image that a person is so naturally given to want to uphold?? So...I lay it all down in an effort to make me feel better, to rid myself of this burden, to blow away the fog and to offer some much needed reality to large family living. I do not want to be a facade....some pedestal type being or family that silently battles the wickedness of it all....the mortal human, self seeking heart behind the scenes. So.....I expose the soul and uncover every secret, selfish motive within so that I may be set free....for it is so entirely true that the truth will indeed set you free. I want to be free. I find writing...the expression of the ponderings of my soul...to be my comfort, my solace...where I come to lay myself out. So it is that I lay myself bare. I want so so desperately...the aching of a longing soul....to be one with the Lord...to be so pure and so refined that He no longer has to fight away the self righteous, self absorbed heart. The arrogant boasting heart that can so easily become caught up in where I am and "my" accomplishments in life. I have not gained any of my life by my own doing....any of this. It is the work God has done through me in accomplishing His purpose. But the day my focus becomes fixed on something other than Him is the day He stops using me and finds another more humble, pliable soul...for who can stand the arrogant heart of man?





Tears begin to fall until finally a steady flow becomes uncontrollable. Devastated by what I am capable of....pride and arrogance....how it can so easily overtake something so beautiful and such a freely given gift. My heart aches and my soul is so grieved over how wicked my heart can be...how easily deterred it can become. There is a pride that comes with this mothering thing for me....and it is not the good kind....in fact, the most awful of them all. There is that part of me that loves the shock value that we are to all people we meet...the awe that goes along with the admiration for us. I love the shock that comes from having 8 young children with me and being obviously pregnant. And some part of me that misses being pregnant is the part that also thrives on that. I miss my baby. I continually wonder who he would've become. Thought of his tiny, tiny body as I wonder what he would've looked like. The thoughts of only being 5 wks away from having a newborn do not evade me. But somewhere within my wicked self I also miss the attention that comes from being pregnant and already having so many. I love the attention....be it negative or positive. I thrive on the attention that comes when we fill up an entire table and people come to us in disbelief. There is an arrogant pride that builds within when we are told over and again how well behaved they all are. I try desperately to keep it real and let people know this has been a long journey of consistency that has not happened overnight. That we are very real and we work entirely hard so that they are well behaved and enjoyable for everyone within their presence. But there is pride in having more children than most. And....bare naked honesty here.....there is, to my wickedly, deceitful heart, some amount of competition that really goes on in my head over having to "keep up with the Jones'" as far as the number of children we have goes. I actually pride myself on the number of children we have. Somewhere in my highly driven competitive nature there is some amount of competition to this. Somewhere in life it became my identity....mothering, many children , always being pregnant, large family. It does not get more real and truly awful than that. But after talking to other large families I know some of them do battle these same issues as well so I am not alone...nor am I in danger of needing psychological help. It is difficult not to get caught up in the large family culture of everything it is all about. I desperately love my children and long for more. My heart aches for another set of twins. I have loved everything about having my 2 sweet boys...watching them grow, how they interact, the bond they have, to have two the same age. They amaze me. There is a true purity in the ache for children...but the dark side does indeed exist too. Pride, arrogance, competition...feelings of "defeat" when other people "get ahead", feeling like I have achieved some sort of screwed up status by being able to manage it all with a clean house and well mannered children. I do love organization and am actually pretty anal retentive about it but when in life did that earn me some kind of status symbol???? I have indeed come a long long way since I started this journey but I have even farther to go....so much farther. I am that person that somewhere deep within gets gratification out of all the praise....thrives on it...feels the need to live up to it all. Whatever that competitive drive is within me feels it in every aspect of life...including children. I am that one that has pride when we are out. I have so come to recognize this within myself that when we go out on the rare occasion that they are not all with me I no longer tell people that I have 8 children because I know it comes from the arrogant part that lives within....not any part of me that just longs to trade life stories. I do not bother to inform people that these 3 or 4 children are not my only ones because I know that my heart waits for the accolades that I know will follow...the praises that will be sung and the pride that builds within.





Heavy heart needs to expose the dark side of self...lift the fog. I long for God to work in me...through me. Yet I continue to hinder everything He seeks to do by my prideful, self seeking, wicked, self absorbed heart. The human-ness of it all. My heart sinks lower and lower as I realize that I am no different than those I criticize. Tears of despair fall as I come to face the inner heart. How can God redeem this? Oh human heart of mine...when, on when, will you ever be pure? How deceitful the heart. How prideful and wicked are its ways. Perhaps this is the very reason that we have been given no more children. I came to see them as "my" accomplishments. I came to take credit for this fairy tale castle we have built...something I attained. How far I fall. Are there words to do my grief justice? Where I have let myself go with these freely given gifts? I long for more children yet my motives remain far from pure in some aspects of it all. How can God use this? Somewhere in there the longing to be an encouragement turned to a portion of inner pride. I want to be the most real and honest person...but how can there be honesty when there secretly exist a reputation to uphold and pride that lies buried within that seeks to serve itself?



My heart struggles with the truth of it all. The real self. The hidden motives. My heart and where it is. There's a ton of anger right now. I know it. I feel it. I fight it all. As I work my way through dealing with all of this the reality of my inner self is made more real than I have ever known. The good, the bad, the ugly. But maybe in the refining there will be a purity that lives in the end. How my heart aches to be everything that it is not. How I see what I want to be but how far I am. When does that day ever come? How I long to be so much more than I am. Oh God how I yearn for You to use me. Come take me and make me your's. Come do something with this wretched heart and create the masterpiece you see in me. Take me and use me. Forgive me for the pride. You are what I long for. Oh my heart aches. Grieves. This sadness, who can bear?? How far I fall. How deeply imperfect I am. I do not long for status. Not the applause of millions...or even hundreds...or even one. Just You. I want to gain your approval. Not the acceptance of the world. Not the praises of the world beyond. I just want you. You are what my heart longs for. My soul pleads for you. Saving grace...so amazing....so redeeming. Through you I am redeemed. You are my only redemption. You are my forgiveness. Through you my chains are gone and I am free...only you. My wayward heart you welcome back. My prideful heart you forgive. My competitive heart you extend grace. Create in me a pure heart. Take away the filth. Take away the anger and the bitterness, the pride. My soul pleads for your saving grace. Do not let me become hardhearted and bitter, oh God. I see it, I feel it and I despise it. Fight this battle for me because I am not strong enough. I am so desperately weak. I feel my weakness. I know my weakness. But is it not at this point that you are able to work the most? The pride, the competitiveness, the arrogance, the anger, the sadness, the depression, the bitterness...I lay it at your feet. Take it all and create in me who it is you see. I lose sight of the goal. The vision fades in the turmoil. Inner motives exposed. Soul laid bare. Refine me. Strip me til I am laid bare before you...until you see innocence and purity and everything you are living within me. Who can separate me from the love of you? I don't understand how you love me the way you do. Why??? Why do you stay? How is there a love so perfect? Saving grace. Redeeming grace. That's who you are. That's what you've done. How wretched this heart of mine. But yet you save. "Consider my affliction. Come deliver me. Plead my cause and redeem me. Salvation is not for the wicked for they don't seek your word. Oh God, great are your tender mercies. Revive me according to your loving kindness. You give me understanding according to your word.....great peace to those who seek your face. I long for salvation. All my ways are before you. Your hand becomes my help. My soul longs and adores you. Hear my cry, Oh God of all. Revive me. Perfect me. Your beauty Lord it captures me. Your sweet embrace, it brings me to my knees. Hopelessness will not prevail in a heart that seeks your face. You search within the deepest parts. Find the beauty there and let them see. Let me be the vessel that you pour through. I can feel your touch. I can feel your heart. Waves of mercy over me. Oh beautiful one, make me beautiful like you. Let me reflect your image. Save this heart and soul of mine."

In quotes: words from an array of different worship songs sung primarily by Jeremy Camp