To Run with Endurance

Endurance. It's continually come to mind over and again throughout these last few months...and more specifically, over the course of the last few weeks, as my resolve has wavered a bit. As birth of baby draws near my mind once again turns to running, birthing, the longing to be light again and the reality of really truly getting back into a running routine. And, as always, to survive the first little while after taking such an extended break takes mental determination, stamina, strength, and power to overcome the screaming of mind and body to cease all discomfort. So it is with giving birth....except you're a little more committed on that one. There is no opting out of that little scenario. But I have learned over time that it takes an amazing feat of endurance to overcome most of what life entails...whether it be running, birthing, or just making it through some of the seasons in life that come. So it is that I run...or give birth, I survive the discomfort, I wage war with mind and body, I overcome self......because I know the reward that waits on the other side of it all.

And so it is with this season in life. The longer we are here, faced with the challenges now presented to us, the more I hear the word "endurance" softly whispered into a restless heart. I decided it best to stay quiet on here for awhile until mind and heart strengthened. Weak heart finally able to face a blank page without tears falling, self pity consuming....and asking the constant unceasing why's of where we are and the timing of it all.

In the midst of everything else taking place phone call was received late one night as husband and I lay in bed. His grandmother, who helped raise him and which I fell immediately in love with so many years ago, suffered another massive stroke. After months and months of fragile stability in health we get here, are 5 days away from him beginning a new job, 14 days away from a baby's due date, and the prognosis for her is suddenly grim. Unresponsive..not much longer...maybe a week. Next day brings more details of her swiftly diminishing health, TX home officially goes on the market....and so many more tears....trying to imagine life without her in it....thinking of children who will have sweet memories of her amazing love and those who will only know her as a legacy.

We plan and try every way possible to make it home immediately to be with them, to attend the funeral, to be with family, but realization comes for both husband and I that it is rather humanly impossible at this point. Unable to miss any days of academy, it begins in mere days, a week long road trip on my own with children while he flies in order to avoid missing work days, on my own on the road...on my due date. Not really optimal. Our tears mix as we attempt to come to terms with the possible and impossible. And yet once more I wonder why and ask the now redundant question over and again. Why now....after so many years of being near to them, why right at this very time of baby and academy and piled atop everything else we are facing right now. Emotions of selling home and the remainder of what we are having to conquer. Why now? Why her? So individually and together husband and I grieve the loss of someone who loved so unconditionally, who embraced each and every one of our children, who loved them beyond life itself, who embraced each and every new baby...when all the world cringed at the news of another. Someone who loved me like I had been born to them...when eagerly greeted us at the door each and every visit held my face between old, wrinkly hands and repeated over and again "You're so beautiful. So, so beautiful. Brad did so good in bringing you home to us" and her eyes would well with tears. Why...after so many years spent loving them...are we not even allowed to attend the finality of it all....a tribute to everything she was. I just don't understand in so many ways. It could've taken place just 5 weeks from now and this would be completely different. The Lord could've orchestrated it all so much differently....but He didn't.

Yet again I grow so weary of the tears....and now husband's weighted sighs and tears of his own that fall. In an effort to escape it all he and oldest strap babies on, we round up kids and lose ourselves in the 50 acres of forest that sits at the end of our gravel road. We disappear for awhile and remember every reason we came to this place.....deer trails, running streams, acres and acres of towering trees, moss covered oaks, wild ferns that do not exist where cactus grow, and the deafening sounds of the wind in the treetops....children running...laughing..through the forest, echoes of their joy as they climb, leap, jump, run and gather foreign species of objects in utter delight. And we smile to each other as we walk amidst the pain because we are together, we are a family, we are here, and it's a pretty amazing place to be in life...despite everything we have faced in the last 6 months and everything still left to overcome.....and the grief felt between us.

With renewed determination I dry the tears and quiet the inner strife. I am learning what it is to run with endurance and push past the discomfort that screams for an easier way...or opts to quit. I am not a quitter. I refuse to succumb to it all and just go home...take the easy way out. We could go home now. Concerned husband has asked over and again as he watches the emotional struggle taking place within...."Do you want to go home....cause I'll take you back in a heartbeat if that's where you want to be. There's two of us in this marriage and it's not all about what I want. And if you're happier there I will take you home and we'll figure life out from there. Just say the word and we'll go back." But I know that it's not about my own selfish desires and getting rid of the discomfort. There's more to life than being comfortable and taking the easy way out. How can one ever really truly appreciate it if they haven't had to survive the discomfort of getting there? And so I learn what it is to grow my endurance as the Lord stretches and molds and shapes far beyond the comfort zone.

In other news....it doesn't help trying to deal with all of life when one is in a constant state of pain.....and I mean...serious, incapacitating pain. I have noticed that it kinda hinders the ability to rationally deal with the rest of life and emotions. But....we weren't far off on the cracked rib diagnosis, as it was finally determined to be an intercostal injury.....from the bronchitis stuff. It's been explained that it's basically just a stretched rib muscle.....but to say that it's painful doesn't even begin to come close to accurately conveying living with it. When breathing hurts I find it affects all of life at that point. So orders were give not to pick up babies or lift anything in order to help it heal. And there are exercises one most do in order to keep it stretched out since it has something to do with lung capacity. And that just hurts a little bit...to try and purposefully breathe deep when even taking little breaths hurt. Bed rest, not lifting and restricted activity is somewhat of a joke so that hasn't really taken place as of yet. Although, I can't say I find that entirely bad at this point since activity requires one to breathe a little more than laying in a bed all day would require. No one can actually give a length of time before it improves so the thought of giving birth like this is a little daunting. Being this close to baby's due date all Motrin had to be laid aside....and Tylenol alone doesn't even begin to come close to being of any use. With husband's prompting I finally resorted to prescription stuff in order to at least be able to sleep at night. Kind of hoping for a late baby at this point just to give it time to heal. 41 weeks is not a bad thing. So, that's been a little interesting obstacle to overcome in the midst of the everything else taking place.

So, that is the seemingly unemotional account of our life right now. I've found that it's either write through tears or embrace the removed practical aspect of it that begins to form after awhile....and I've reached the practical, removed stage. At some point I'll get my sense of humor back and life will find a normal here. It doesn't exactly help that I'm doped up on pain meds right now so the ability to think and write at this point is not entirely prevalent. Firefighting/paramedic husband starts job in just one day. After 6 months of being together constantly we resume a schedule in life. While days are lonely without him, it will be much easier to maintain the school routine and perhaps blogging more regularly will resume.

On yet another side note...camera was finally found so we have the ability to take pictures now before baby comes....and once baby gets here. Hopefully 39 week pics are soon to follow this post.

"Emotions are problem driven, but faith is purpose driven. If you allow your emotions to rule your life you will be up one minute and down the next. You say, 'But I thought life was supposed to be an up and down experience.' No, God's plan is for you to get down on your knees to pray, then get up in faith and do what He's told you to do."

I know enough now to know that the rewards from this are so much greater than I can imagine. They may or may not have to do with with anything ever acquired on this earth but whatever this is producing far outweighs the difficulties being experienced right now. If this is producing character within me so that we may encourage others, or if this is teaching our children what it is to have faith and to push forward when everything within one screams to halt the discomfort, or if this is simply walking out our faith in fear and trembling so that our children may know Him in ways they would never have known Him otherwise....so that they can avoid so much of where we have fallen and had to learn the hard way...if this brings them intimately to Him at such an earlier age...than it is worth it all. Because nothing hard is ever endured without something beautiful on the other side of it all...whether it a be a body that one can love, a baby soft, so innocent, so new to life....skin like velvet...the absolute miracle and beauty of life itself, or whether it be the beautiful of seeing your children grow in the knowledge and ways of Him so that they may know the truth and walk in it...writing it upon the tablets of their heart.....it's a beautiful thing. Enduring the difficulties is a beautiful thing....because I am learning the rewards on the other side of it all are so much greater than the temporary struggles at the present moment.

For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through the endurance taught and the encouragement they provide we have hope. Romans 15:4

May the God who gives (teaches) endurance and encouragement help you live in harmony with each other, as is fitting for those who follow Christ. Then all of you can join together with one voice, giving praise and glory to God, the Father....for the things which He has done. Romans 15:5

If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 2 Cor 1:6

Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses. 2 Cor 6:4