Standing at the Crossroad

12:15 am. Rain falls...hard and steady. I lay quietly listening to drops tap window in a cadence all their own, tucked warmly under covers with sleeping husband by my side. And I think the tears have stilled, yet one more time they fall again....like rivers to the ocean. So much change. So much that I can't find it within myself to wrap my head around it. Tears because I can't find the Ergo, tears because boxes have not been properly labeled, tears because the last two weeks of my life feel wasted, tears because the carpet makes me crazy, tears because a baby will be here in 5 weeks and we have nothing even a little bit ready....but tears mostly because we were so close to familiarity and comfort....everything in life that is dear to heart....yet the Lord changes our path once more.

When I think this path couldn't possibly have any more twists or turns and we are confident in a direction He has given, yet again He comes changing. In all of the emotion and stretching of heart, soul, mind and spirit I selfishly cry out in utter self pity "No more, God. No more. I am done and this is too much. I cannot be stretched anymore. I'm tired and I just wanna go home. I'm so so tired." Anger....of all things in life....anger. After all the mercy we have been shown and the miracles worked on our behalf, after all the provision He has given throughout the last 3 months of our life and all that He continues to give...faithfully without fail....I battle anger. Why???? Why now? 3 months ago this would have been an answer to prayer. 3 months ago this was the answer we were looking for. Why would you do this to the children's hearts???? Why require us to emotionally detach from here and readjust to returning to home....falling in love with it all over again and every minute detail we each miss? WHY....13 days away from a truck coming would you do this to us...even more so to the children???? Do they even possess the ability to cope with this much change in life....swinging like a pendulum from one place to the next, toying with emotions and their young hearts over where they will be? Why, after absolutely every last thing in this house is packed up in boxes, does it come now? How can this road cough up such a cruel twist? We wanted to stay...it was a dream and where we felt we had been led.....and then we changed gears and accepted the fact we felt led to go home....fervent prayer, much thought, actions not taken even somewhat lightly.

With money provided us to return home everybody loaded up and took truck to shop for clutch replacement for the long journey home. No tools here and no shop meant auto repair has to perform task rather than self taught, auto pro husband doing the work himself for hundred to thousands of dollars cheaper. We talk and laugh on the way home, teasing of taking home pictures of 50 head of cattle on a mere 2 acres of land here. Grass grows, cattle flourish...unlike the 1 cow one is capable of running on 15 acres of land in our barren state. We talk and laugh and anticipate our return to thunderheads building hundreds of miles away, lightening that puts any 4th of July to shame, sunsets that melt across horizon, and the ever blowing southwest wind that teases hair and caresses skin like velvet. We arrive home with children filing out of van and dispersing all over property to play before sun dipped low, dinner preparations waiting. I straighten kitchen as husband checks email....and our world changes forever.

He calls me to him...urgency in his voice, "Hey! Hey, babe! Take a look at this!" He hadn't even finished reading before I joined him. Top of email states in bold enlarged black print "Offer of Employment". Confused with mind not wanting to embrace it, I ask quietly, "What does that mean???" He replies, "Keep reading. Look at this number." And he scrolls down to the salary being offered him to stay here and work. One of two of the most reputable EMS systems in the U.S. has offered him a job far beyond what they stated beginning pay would be. Unheard of in this profession, they credited him with all 12 years of his experience in the field and based his salary accordingly. Typically, as fire and/or paramedic one must start at the bottom always...no matter their history or many years of experience. When transitioning to a new dept or system one is almost always a rookie at rookie pay.

After feeling as though he had aced the oral interview with them but failed miserably on the written test and practical applications portion of the test he came home rather embarrassed and entirely discouraged. With a starting pay much lower than what it takes to run the family finances, and Grayson and Aubrey struggling here, the decision was made later that week to return home. He stated after the test was over that it would take an act of God for him to be hired after the way it had turned out. Many many people tested and he "knew" he didn't stand a chance based on his performance and the high number of guys testing. And, even if he did, it didn't pay enough to support the family. So, we began to pray about returning home, sought counsel, and when a peace was reached we made our decision known to children and then to public. We were going home.

And now.....here we stand...white glow of computer screen glaring words of an offer of employment with a beginning salary even more than what he made after 7 years of employment in west Texas. It is, in fact, the same salary he would've made as Lt, had he ever promoted, yet year after year the list expired with him sitting in the number 1 spot to promote. This offer, though a very average income by the world's standards, is what he made between working two full time jobs when we left Texas. And here, this is only beginning pay. He is re-evaluated in 6 months and then 12 months and then yearly after that.

But immediately I resisted. We had a plan, our life was already in boxes once more, the moving truck was coming in a mere 13 days, tenants were actively moving out of our home, vehicles had already been in for needed repairs for the trip west. Life was in motion to return west. He asked soberly, "What'd you think?" I was quiet, trying to still the inner fury of racing heart. Finally, "I think this is absolute insanity. We have a plan, we're sticking to it. Our entire house is packed, beds are already disassembled, a moving truck will freakin be here in less than two weeks. How would we even begin to break the news to children??? We can't do this to them. It's not even close to being remotely right. Just forget about it all and that it ever happened and let's go home. Just stick to the plan." I knew in my heart as I spoke that my motives were nowhere near being inclined to what the Lord might have to say about this turn of events....or that He might have even orchestrated every last detail. I knew that the resistance in my own heart was not even open to hearing what His will for us is at this point but I couldn't bear the thought of the pain of being open to what He might be saying. I didn't even want to know at that point what he thought about it. My mind was made up....we were going home.

Husband hurriedly gives the call to load everyone back up quickly....we were going for a drive before darkness settled in too much to see. I whistle for children to come, they come running, order was given to load up quickly and, like clockwork, they were buckled in van, babies loaded and ready to hit the road again in less than 5 minutes. Without saying much of anything we drove out...way out....beyond the city limits....where green pastures, red barns, white fences, stocked tanks, and gurgling streams run. Houses set on hills with horses that grow fat in pastures. Children asked over and again why we were there and what we were doing....what it all meant. With loud diesel engine rumbling they were quieted as we said we'd talk when we returned home. And husband and I sat in front and discussed all of life and what the change would mean. Not ready to discuss much of anything with them children were put to bed and the undercurrent of worry that had begun and concerned questions that were coming were delayed for awhile with vague answers.

With house quieted the first of many, many, many tears began to fall. How could this be happening? I sat trying to take in the scene around me....house in neatly stacked rows of boxes, rails of bunkbeds and mattresses lined against wall, basement fully packed and ready to be moved to truck....I couldn't begin to imagine staying. Husband gently pried for answers, "What do you want to do????" How do you answer that question? I know what makes sense and what we SHOULD do but how do you chose common sense and money over children's hearts and emotions...and my own desires at this point? How do you even begin to tell them we're not going home? For the first time in life I honestly had no clue at all which way was up. What is right???? And, once more, is there a wrong? Or is this truly a choice of our's to make.....in which one way is not any more right than the other? Just a choice on our part to make...a crossroad in which we can choose which direction we prefer? One not being any better or worse than the other? The Lord giving us our own free choice of which direction we will pursue? And if that's the case, how do you chose an income over the wellbeing of your children??? A crossroad in life in absolutely every way. Choose the direction which we shall take. We have the ability to alter history. If we proceed and go home our children will live an entirely different life.....be skilled in different areas, and marry different people than if we were to stay here. Generations that either do or do not exist based on our decision. Professions and skills they may or may not ever know based on what we do. And our life....how does it affect our life....Brad's and mine? Friends we will probably never see again, new relationships born, old fading to the wayside, family that is now 1500 miles away. Through all the tears of the first night, verses continually repeating themselves over and again through my head

Proverbs 11:14 - For lack of guidance a nation falls, but victory is won through many advisers.

Proverbs 15:22 - Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.

Proverbs 24:6 - Surely you need guidance to wage war, and victory is won through many advisers.

So, through the torrent of tears I told Brad to begin calling people we respect...this was not a decision we could make on our own. Too much was at stake and we were too closely tied to it all to be able to make an objective decision.....me so much more so than him at this point. I knew where his heart and mind were headed without even asking. It was not only an honor to be offered this job but amazing to be offered it at that salary...and a little bit redeeming on his end after feeling as though he had failed miserably at the test.

So, I began to ask people to pray for leader husband's decision making ability...since I really felt I had no decision making ability left within me at this point. Emotions were a little irrational and the tears would not cease. So I called the few I knew I could talk to in the midst of it all without sobbing my way through it. Among them was my much loved brother, who I remain close to, respect and can still call for anything in life. My mom whose opinion I knew would be more than a little biased but I felt she should know, and a dear friend far enough away to see all that I could not. I could only make it through those 3. Brad began to call our list of respected counsel. And it was conveniently orchestrated that at the end of the week our family had been invited to dinner by our much loved Sunday school teaching couple and he was confident they would be a good sounding board, as well. And everywhere we turned, the consensus was the same.....This is a huge answer to prayer. It was not in my timing by any stretch of the imagination but it is by far an honor for him in the profession and an income for which had been very fervently prayed. After being jobless for 5 months and watching the Lord provide for our most basic of needs....and with no job at home to which return absolutely everyone was in agreement he should accept. And I cried some more.

How can something we have so waited and so longed for and is such a massive answer to prayer be such an emotional upheaval for my hormonally imbalanced state of mind???? We decided our confirmation would be the children. I prayed and begged that if this is really truly from the Lord and this is where we are supposed to be He would change the children's hearts, soften them, and give then a renewed excitement for life here...where we are....right now. Because I didn't think I could handle looking them in the eye and watching their own tears of disappointment fall....not after everything we have been through here and how much everyone has worked on keeping their hearts in check and perspectives in line. 3 nights later with my own tears still falling, we sat and called a family meeting, in which all of the details were discussed with all of them. We discussed everything from their own desires, to what a miracle this job offer is, to what we can do to make life more enjoyable here for each one until our rent is up and we move....and how amazing this road has been and continues to be.....as we watch and began to recount the stories of how God has provided and intervened on behalf of our little family. We talked to them of finding another rent house in September and moving farther out. Amazing rent houses here with 10 acres, barns and tanks where they possess the ability to shoot, trap, fish, and 4 wheel.

And amazingly, just as the rest of our story, their hearts were softened. Little boys disappointment was apparent but they soon were talking of everything they have to look forward to. Girls shed their own tears of missing friends who excitedly await their return and horses they will not be riding. But Evye was soon begging to attend jiu jitsu classes with husband and see if we might can get integrated here into the horse farms. Aubrey, who has struggled with missing family the most, was easily comforted by the promise of an early April trip of grandparents arriving to visit both she and new baby. And Ivye cheerily gave up the longing for the swingset for the ability to continue dropping red clay mudballs from deck to ground with rowdy fun loving brothers. Grayson, though obviously struggling with the decision, was wiling to compromise and join the church football team he has been asked numerous times to join, and look into Boy Scouts, which my Eagle Scout brother joined at the older age of 14 too, along with finally being able to attend jiu jitsu also. He must pick one of the 3, but was eager to have options until we can make a move to a little more freedom. By the end of the night, though disappointed and emotional, everyone was in agreement to stay. The week passed and even Grayson and Aubrey began to warm up even more to the thought of staying since we possess the ability to move out to land in September and living in this house this is not even somewhat remotely permanent.

But, for whatever reason of insanity...my own tears continued....and still do. Frustrating in every regard as I struggle to gain a better grip on it all. At this point...most days I don't even know why I cry.....I just do. All it takes is a kind word from an adoring husband or a stack of boxes that overwhelms the head. My capacity to deal with anything more at this point is a little bit taxed. So, with determination overcoming emotions I gathered children and set to work on, once again, undoing everything we have just spent the last two weeks of our life doing. Knowing that we will move to another location in only a few months I made the decision to leave everything in boxes, except that which we could not live without for an extended period of time. It should be interesting to find out how much we really do not need in life. I pulled out the mandatory school books but sent everything else to basement. We had wardrobes for each child paired down to 1 pair of jeans, 1 pair of shorts, and 4 shirts each for travel. All shirts for little boys match so it is easy to keep track of. And it greatly lessened the laundry load. With no desire to unpack all of which we had just spent hours upon hours packing I chose to send it all to the basement also. And we will see what it is like to realistically live on a much smaller scale. We had paired down to the mare minimum in life when we moved, yet here we are pairing down yet once more to the even barer of bare minimum. That which we have not missed in 6 months once we move will be given away or sold. The large box of remaining toys we have were boxed up with the rest of life. So, in just the time we have been here we now have gone from one large tote of toys to a small drawer in the bookshelf....and babies and children are happy with it. Plastic kitchen bowls seem to be just as much fun as noisy annoying shape and letter trains. And nothing in me fears they will grow up illiterate because they did not play with a clanging number/letter/shape train in their early developmental years.

So now, the tears seem to fall as I try to adjust my thinking to making this house work more optimally....and once again learning to live with the entirely friendly landlord that refuses to believe our septic may be in danger despite the alarm echoing throughout the valley twice and does not posses the money to fix the a/c. The tears come because I have to face the fact the basement family closet was a dismal failure. I never in a lifetime imagined a basement would be THAT dirty. With clothes spread out everywhere and red clay dust resting on everything within the basement and muddy bikes being carelessly ridden over dumped out baskets of clothes....it wasn't even anywhere near being like the family closet located within the house. Once here and in the basement it was very very difficult to maintain control of it with it being out of sight. So, the tears fall as we move clothing up here with us. My plan of converting office to family closet seemed like my sanity saving solution until landlord said no holes in the walls....so no hanging racks. The room was a perfect size and would've served the purpose so well. So I cried some more over seeing clothing in bedrooms. And frustrated tears continue to fall as I search continuously for the Ergo and it has yet to be located....with a baby coming in 5 weeks. It seems an overwhelming task to prepare for baby when our life sits in boxes in a basement. We have no infant carseat, no swing, no travel crib. All were left behind or given away. No water hose to fill up the pool, no pans to boil water when the hot water runs out. And I feel easily overwhelmed. In the nesting stage of pregnancy the upheaval of life has seemed to take an absolutely irrational toll on the brain. So tears fall uncontrollably and I stay frustrated with my own self and my lack of ability to get a grip on life.

Life is so much bigger than my little inconvenienced world. God has provided my husband with a job that will adequately provide for us. He has brought us miraculously through 5 entire months of no income whatsoever. He has sent us shampoo, conditioner, soap, toothpaste and body wash in the mail. He has sent us an amazing sum of money to meet our monthly bills and keep the heater going and the phones turned on. He has provided clothes for our children that have been delivered to our door. He provided Christmas dinner. He provided money for us to celebrate Aubrey's birthday and give her the one longed for thing of her heart.....a cherished bike. Not only did he provide the finances for it but he also provided the amazing deal we found...brand new, ridden twice by a granddaughter, in her favorite purple color....for 25.00. We have been so blessed....so abundantly provided for. So my life....my inconveniences.....my little pity party over everything being out of order when I seem to only function with organization.....is so trivial. My anger at the landlord for the "no holes" rule is so unwarranted. We have been given so much grace in this life.....so much mercy and loving kindness. And I want to torch his house because I can't drill a hole in the wall????

We have people pouring into our life and that of our children's. People here who have fallen in love with our family. Life is so much bigger than my panic attack of everything being in temporary disarray yet again. And most of all....he has been given a job. One in which it does not require him to be gone 2-6 weeks at a time, one that possesses almost the exact same schedule that we have lived our life by for the last 7 years with beloved 96's off, and one that pays a salary of what it took two jobs to make before leaving home.

Come Monday night he has promised a date night, in which we will go to Home Depot for a water hose, and Once Upon A Child and Kid to Kid to get a carseat, a swing, and a travel crib for soon arriving baby. And he has promised to help me go through the tons and tons of poorly labeled boxes and hunt the Ergo down.

And come tomorrow I might actually make it an entire day with no tears. As we have stood at the crossroad and prayed and searched and sought counsel we have chosen the road we are most at peace with....despite all the tears on my behalf. The children are growing more accustomed to the idea of it all, they look forward with anticipation to house hunting farther out in the fall, and they are happy. So I continue to try and wrap my head around the fact that once again the Lord has changed our direction and I do possess the ability somewhere within my inner self to live with carpet.