Learning Selfless

Snowy movie night

Garrison's drawing of where he wants to live....house on the left, barn in the middle...and a mobile home on bottom??? Made me laugh.

Mail lady love.

The many ways he loves me.

Before.....

.....after.

I'm really, really, really, superbly tired of crying. And I know that oneday this saga of our's will not be known as the trail of tears. I preface this post that if you have grown weary of my griping or insane, unstable emotions than it is highly advisable this should be skipped in its entirety. I know it could be worse....so much worse. We've already lived the worse and life is really exceedingly perfectly alright. It's honestly not bad. To pour forth what I'm about to sounds so awful I hesitate...but I need to write. Our children are whole, complete and healthy. A baby not only grows but mystifies husband and I with it's rolling movements....causes laughter as husband holds me tight to him and is returned with a kick to his stomach. Our children are safe and we are not enduring interviews with a children's safe house for one that has been violated in unimaginable ways. We are together and we are a family. Food is at our table in abundance. He starts a job in less than two weeks that neither of us ever in a lifetime saw coming.

__________

But there are days when this mountain to climb seems insurmountable and the reprieve ever elusive. I wanted to go. It seems so trivial....so drowned in self pity... that to sit here and fess up to these distraught emotions of mine seems somewhat pyschotic in every regard. But, it's honest and it's real. And apparently I can talk a really huge talk about being radical and forsaking it all....but I'm just not very good at actually walking it out....at all. It sounds good in theory....all typed out in pretty black and white form....courageous, valiant, heroic, brave and wildly extreme. But when it's all said and done...and one foot is placed in front of the other...steps falter. Suddenly the pretty picture painted in verbal form crumbles at the feet of reality....and one is left with this....the very raw, honest emotions of laying self wholly and totally aside to learn to live this wildly. There is no room for self when one has comitted to walking radically within His will. Because what one wants and what His purpose is are sometimes.....most times right now....something entirely different from each other....until I have learned to be so lost within Him that my desires line up with what He has in mind for each step I take. And therein lies the battle of self.

_______________

I battle with sentimentality. I struggle with change. I wrestle with fear, lack of faith and knowing this really is all for good. It seems that the breaking points for me right now come at strange and odd places....but they're there and they come. And they're here now. Somedays it'd just be so much easier to climb into a hole and cry it all out for hours, sleep the rest off and re-emerge. But there is no time, no place, for pity parties so I trudge onward. Is this a really difficult place in life right now? Pretty much. Yep. If I lay all facades aside and get seriously honest. At the root of the internal struggle lie the why's of it all...and the self centered nature of.....me. And so it is that I learn the art of self sacrifice.

__________________

It's a long story. It's always a long story. And one I don't want to tell. It's just more of the details of a really long haul. "No man putting his hand to the plow and looking back is fit for the kingdom of Heaven." I refuse to look back. But it stings as you learn of all the what could have been's. But through a long series of events Texas home is being put up for sale after having planned to rent it for a very long time. Both renters bailed....my own mom and a working colleage that were both recently laid off from their oil company jobs. And the plan to rent the house for years dissapated in only a matter of weeks due to extinuating circumstances on both parts. Emotions ran high as the heart came to accept the fact that life is here now....no looking back...no ties left to anything in our home state. Our little dream home that encompassed all of freedom's definition...all ties broken. No looking back. And no plan B. Home is here now....but it doesn't feel like home yet.

_________________

I am fully aware that this is a massive pity party as I sit here and write, trying to sort out all of life...not even understanding my own self. Irrantional emotions as tears refuse to cease. So I write through tears knowing I will write...I will feel better...I will pull up my bootstraps...and continue forward with determination...because that is what is required and there is a purpose to all of this....and He really truly does have my best interest at heart....I think. I know that we will eventually find a little place here buried in fields of green grass, surrounded by pastures, with gurgling streams where boys fish and climb trees and grow strong....with no neighbors....no people. It will be a little house with two working toilets, hard floors and be a place where I can hang crap on the walls or put an axe through it if I so feel the urge. It'll be a place that's home, where we can settle and not have life in boxes, that will be our's.

_________________

But in selling the house a trip back is required to make needed repairs, bring east remainder of what was left west, meet with people to do business, and see everyone left behind..and say the last of farewells to our little home, where babies were conceived and birthed, kids grew, where quiet baby still sleeps beneath red oak tree, and so much in life was learned and conquered. And honestly, I'm just really homesick and I wanna go home...just for a little while...just to see our house and the people we won't be able to see for the large part of another entire year...maybe longer. While we are blessed with an income it is not enough to be able to accomplish all we need to accomplish in these first few years and still take extravangant trips home to pacify emotions.

____________________

So, husband and I planned and talked details of this last trip home for a few years. The list of to do's in house repairs, what is left to bring here, what is left to give away, and to close the end of a chapter in our lives where so much happened. We would leave the 22nd, return here the 28th in order for him to begin work March 1st. No one to watch kids in time for me to go. Mother in law freaks over traveling so late in pregnancy. Anger grows. I know beyond all of life that I will still be pregnant two weeks from now...and I'll still be pregnant two weeks after that. And if by some amazing freak of nature I'm not I'd give up everything in life to be at husband's side having a baby rather than stuck here delivering one without him with me. After days of planning and excitement reality comes that there is no way for me to make this trip....no one to keep kids. Grayson will travel, as he is needed for man power. And I grow angry. Irate, actually. Mad that husband listens to mother over his own wife and the body that has born his 10 children that have gone before this one. The disappointment seems overwhelming as I wrestle with the longing to return home....if only for but a few days....and I selfishly long for a reprieve from housework, meals, screaming little kids and fighting older kids, needs waiting to be met, and all that this 6 month journey has entailed.

__________________

I know all too well that the words that will spill sporth are like venom to the soul fi I speak in all of my anger over not getting my way. So, I go into silent mode because the coping mechanism seems non existent at this point. Anger grows and I avoid husband at all costs. Self pity comsumes. Not fair. He gets an 8 days vacation while I stay here and wipe butts, clean up puke, clean bathrooms, and continue to relentlessly do the same thing I do day in and day out when a stomach virus is not present. I'll school kids, I'll stay home, I'll make sure chores are done, I'll look out the window and see light of day turn to darkness of night and I'll look at the suffocating number of houses that surround us and I'll stay pregnant....like everyday before this one, as this baby stays put for the week that he is gone...plus another 2 once he gets home. And yes.....this is a raging pity party...but still it torments the soul. So it is that I refuse to speak to him and avoid eye contact for an entire 24 hours...because I know there is nothing good that lies within my heart at this point. And the fact people say this trip is impossible for me pisses me off beyond the highest level of pissivity. There will be no death of mother or baby that occured due to the fact I sat in a vehicle for 11 hours for 2 days in a row. I am not so ignorant or self centered that I will jeopardize the life of me or our baby by my own willfulness...and the fact that people assume this messes with the head and patience level I possess. Infuriation grows.

___________________

3 am I wake in anger...and sleep evades. So I lie and I think and I ponder....for hours and hours and hours on end. And the more I think the madder I get. 7 am dawns and I unleash the verbal fury on husband...tears and all. The more tears that fall the madder I get that they escaped and I cannot hold my resolve. His own anger with my belligerance subsides as he sees the hurt, and the longing and the desire for a tiny break in life and the longing to see family. Grandparents that I know I probably will never see again. Limited funds available and their health jeopardized in pretty much every regard. We came here with the hope of a 6 figure income knowing it would take hard work and long hours to achieve and are now here with the salary that we left Texas...but 1500 miles away from home....and no way to get back to visit.

___________________

After onslaught of words have been vomited unkindly forth he understands, he forgives and he loves like only he can. And he cleans his closet in an effort to put forth a quiet peace offering for everything out of our control at this point. He sees the effort to accept the unknowns and the struggle to lay down the why's of a God I will probably never in my lifetime understand. He forgives the pity party and loves unconditionally...and I marvel at the way he can love me in all the ways that he does...and overlook all the things he can.

___________________

Day brightens, speaking resumes, IRS website checked for tax return and we learn that it won't even be here on time to make a spontaneous trip west. Plans then change on a dime and we resort to Plan B...much to my excitement. Go in April with all 11 children in tow. Family can see baby and children visit friends and see west Texas for the last time in probably many years. It's not entirely optimal as working husband will need days off in order to make the trip and there will be no time built up and no way to know if they will approve. But, selfishly, excitement grew as it meant I could go....and that is, afterall....all that mattered. So, we planned and prepared for a 9 day trip with a newborn baby in tow...along with the other 10. For 2 days I lived in bliss knowing all was at peace...we'd all be going. Much needed reprieve for everybody at this point.

______________

7am dawns. Light dusting of snow covers all of earth. Children wake and are dressed and out the door by 6:48 am. Excited squeals heard throughout the valley. Husband and I laugh and stay amuzed by their early morning antics as he checks email. There lies the notification that all awaited tax funds will be available tomorrow. And yet once more...I knew exactly what it all meant and heart plummeted. And just as with his job...I knew deep within what makes sense and what has to be done. Once again.....all hope was beaten into non existence. And I know that none of this is his fault. But I silently wonder why on so many levels. Why the timing of this job and academy right in the middle of a baby coming?? Why is this so freakin hard and complicated...if it is all within the realm of right where we're supposed to be in life....living in complete obedience???? Why so many hopes only to be dashed time and again? I am grateful for his job....so grateful...and it sounds so entirely horrifically awful to complain after where we have been. But his salary affords us to live here...but not to return home...not for a very long time. And this job....academy right in the middle of a baby coming....M-F 8-5 with no days allowed off and no help established here yet???? And the house on the market and having to deal with it all....right now???? In the middle of the rest of this?? And why is it required of me to have a baby in the middle of the night to wake and resume the normal routine and carry on when the sun comes up? We've had 6 entire months of him being home...and suddenly when baby makes a debut he is not allowed to be home at all???? And so my heart cries, I grow tired....so so tired of being strong....and I just wish it all differently...and wonder why on so many levels. And the longing to go home overwhelms...if only for a few days....but I know without him saying anything....it's just not possible. He has to leave in two days. No time to even try to find someone for children...who currently are all dealing with a stomach virus. So, I withhold and bravely put forth a smile and tell him to go....as it only makes sense. No time saved to be able to take off....the expense of hauling 13 people vs a mere 2 people half way cross country is staggering. And I feel intimately the pain of being left behind. So we talk and we plan of their trip west and I support his decision...because this is not our fault. It's not his that we are here where we are. There is nowhere to lay blame here.

________________

He disappears into bathroom for morning routine and my tears fall....so many tears...disappointment, heartache, overwhelmed, weary, knowing what lies ahead that we still have yet to conquer. Children throw snowballs in the cold, laughter is heard through windows and in the early morning light I hid from the world under covers and let them fall.

_____________
He emerges and finds me buried...crumpled pathetically and self centeredly beneath covers and he knows by the silence...how I try to avoid him to hide all the heartache. But there is no anger on my part this time, no reaction on his.....just compassion and his intense love...understanding so far reaching that it makes soul ache even more. He gathers me to him, strokes long messy hair and repeats softly...."oh baby" over and again.....cause we both know there is nothing we can do and this is neither of our faults...and I'm seriously, irrationally, hormonally emotional. The tears are seemingly endless. So much heartache. Selling out there to come here. I thought in all of my naivety that in walking in obedience and in coming here life would get so much better. The "blessed" life. Promise of such a better income. I mistakenly thought that with orginal job plan falling through the Lord had even better things for us here...a job we'd never explored...someway to provide and live the dream. But what happens if His will does not have your comfort in mind? What happens when His will is to stretch and pull and grow...even more? What happens when you gave up everything you loved to come to a place that doesn't take dreams into consideration....just what you can be as a testimony for Him?

_________________

Guilt tears mix with those of utter self pity. How can I even dare begin to be ungrateful for this job...for an income....for where we are...for this house on a fenced acre?? We are here...all together...a family of 13. We're going to welcome a baby in 3 weeks. Kids are happy and their laughter still rings through the house...echoes through a forested valley. We have an income that provides and meets every need....what he made previously working two full time jobs. How can I even begin to gripe that it's not enough....that it doesn't provide the luxuries that greedy heart desires...the ability to travel and go home when the heart grows sick... that the workload seems overwhelming and we still have yet another month to conquer of having a baby in his absence.....that I face the reality of not seeing family again for many many months? What happens when it's nothing you envisioned at all....yet you know more than life itself that you followed the Lord and walked through each and every door opened and avoided the ones He closed...absolute total obedience? We prayed and the trepidatious heart set our fleece out...not once...but twice. What happens when my own desires don't match up with His will...and every part seems wicked and selfish and greedy...and good is not good enough?

___________________

In an effort to pull it altogether I focus on quieting the overwhelming emotions, drying tears, and the two of us rise to begin the day and prepare for a 9 day trip west that I won't travel. With heart and attitude in check I help with list making of to do's here and to do's there. But with each bell of phone was heard as he received text after text of excited friends and family notified of their coming the wound grew a little deeper and the salt a little heavier. Still being an absolutely irrantional, hormonal, emotional basket case I retreated to deserted bedroom to avoid him and the guilt my own tears would heap upon his head for going...and I cried and cried and cried some more. All for getting left behind on a trip west. And the insanity of the whole situtaion....my complete inability to get a grip was a little humorous, a little bit ironic but a whole lot real. I'm not even close to joking when I say I'm really sick of crying. I've completely lost perspective somewhere in between the puke, the diarrhea, the fevers, the unknown, the seeming instability of the last 6 months, the mountain still left to climb over the next 5 weeks, the realization that we do not possess the ability to buy a home here for a good long while and rent houses do not exactly fit the criteria of life away from the suburbs. And it's so hard not seeing this as permanent...that we will be here 4 years from now in a rent house with neighbors on every side, no garden, no horses, no trapping, and by the time we do have the ability to live it Grayson will be grown. And yes...I do know in every way how entirely pessimistic that is....but it's a bit where the head is right now.

__________________

I don't understand the verse...do not even begin to come close to comprehending "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen." Cause what happens when what you hope for is not entirely what He has

in mind for your life? When dreams do not fit into the equation of the testimony He has for your life? When my own wayward self rather have my own desires rather than live how He is calling us to live? I don't know.

________________

Husband finds me and it only results in tears falling faster, harder. I know how much guilt I'm heaping on him for leaving me behind and I hate myself for it all. Grow continually frustrated by my total inability to cope right now with even being left behind on an 8 day trip west...cause all I saw was comfort, uninteruppted time with him for hours and hours and hours on end, 3 meals day I didn't have to fix, bathrooms I'm not constantly trying to keep disinfected, family and friends we could see...and in the event history plays no part of this baby's birth and I have it obnoxiously early than I'll be with him when it comes. And it would've proved all the naysayers wrong about not traveling at this stage in pregnancy.

_______________

But, it's not to be. So, I pull myself up, find the determination and strength that lies within and we move forward....cause that's just what you do. I will stay here and find the happy in fixing all 3 meals, I'll clean the bathrooms, I'll make the best of it all. We'll have a movie night piled up in bed. We'll make a park trip and hike to the river. I might actually blog more than once every other week. I might dig some baby clothes out and wash them. And at some point I really will quit crying over all of this and possess the ability to laugh over how insane it all is. That said, I'm very very ready to get past the month of March and see what normalcy looks like here...cause right now I'm a little bit tired. I'm tired of feeling like I've become one big gripe fest on here and I'm tired of feeling like I'm making this so much harder than it really is. It could be so much worse...and I'm thankful for where we are...right now.....right here. Cause life is just not. that. bad.