Discomfort - The Bigger Picture

Unpleasant surprises. Turn of events that alter what seems like all of life. Almost silent van. Little ones all sleeping after a day of grocery shopping cut short. I sit and pout in the tense silence that exist between husband and myself. He drives, worried. I feel the anger rise after his assessment that this was more than likely a fatal blow to the engine. We continue to drive, 20 miles from nowhere, thermal gage off the charts. Finally, words. "What to do? No money. We've been debt free as far as vehicles go for many many years now. Go into debt, if we can? No, not an option. Drive bus? Not really an option either though it might insanely just possibly tide us over for short town trips. Needs to be inspected though....along with new tags. Will it pass an inspection? Who knows. Blinker doesn't work. Definitely no long distance trips. 50 mph max and inability to make it up big hills. Trips to Fort Worth out. It'd never climb Ranger Hill. The insanity. Our big yellow bus as a primary source of transportation."


I eagerly make a vote for that option. Doubting husband snuffs out the possibility...mainly due to pride issues, I'm thinking. So I grow angry again. He has no clue. He doesn't want to have a clue. To be stuck here day after day with 8 young children and no hope of getting out...ever again. He goes, he does......he has to, of course...all in the name of working. He has his merry little station party every other day as he drives his big, red, reliable diesel to work and then drives an even bigger, shinier, eye catching, female enticing, more elaborate diesel once he arrives at work. Big shiny rescue, google eyed girls, men in uniform and here I sit with our 8 children, pregnant and stuck at home indefinitely. Angry thoughts turn to efforts of refraining nasty words such as advising him to stay home for even a week's worth of time to see what it is I do, how hard I work and then try to be content with no hope of ever getting out. He can sit at home stranded, working his butt off in this environment as I go hang out with girls all day, laughing and cutting up, drinking Starbucks, having guys stare our merry little group down and flirt obnoxiously, and eating out every meal....the girly equivalent of what most of his days consist of. Then come see what you think, oh dear working one, about maybe perhaps putting the bus into motion just so you can get out of the house once in awhile.


Frustration rises and I envision what reality is going to be...but I say nothing and remain quiet in my angry, frustrated emotion as van continues blowing smoke. We both know this is probably a fatal blow to the van after already having assessed it and having it assessed after numerous episodes of overheating.


On and on the debate goes. What to do. Finally...the inevitable and unthinkable thought that I knew was sure to come....the thought laying silent between us...unspoken, hanging in the air. What if we were to just manage with one vehicle....a 6 passenger truck? Silence eventually again falls. Every angry thought confirmed. Mental rehearsing of how we ever in our life got to this point in our day. Van pulling trailer on our way in. No room for bags of dog food, cat food, chicken feed and groceries alike so with trailer attached we make our way into town only to find that van overheats once more with no hope of getting temps down. Trailer eventually dropped at station to reduce strain on engine. Myriad of station guys hovered around hood, bent looking within, all casting opinions on where exactly problem originates. After idling for many minutes it finally cools, we continue, now hurriedly, on.



We cut down the grocery list by half as we speed up our day in an effort to solve vehicle problems. Now...here we sit in this miserable boat. Self pity grows as I think about the reality of what this turn of events really means. God could heal it. Why doesn't He? God could supernaturally bring the temperature down right this very minute....but He doesn't...despite the fervent prayers being lifted up by myself and 2 oldest children. I gaze out open window avoiding staring at gage like a watched teapot....thinking somehow this plan will miraculously make it go down or something of that insane nature. Unleashed hair blows wildly in the wind but at this point it's not really seeming to matter. I briefly think about all the tangles I stand to face once we reach home. Thoughts return to van. Eyes can't resist and they eventually drift back to gage. Smoke pours out from under hood and gage is not only not falling but climbing higher until it can no longer move any higher.



I feel myself begin to seethe again. Where are you, God??? Why, for once, can't You just answer a single prayer??? This is simple...so simple. It's a matter of cooling down an engine so radiator doesn't blow. You've raised the dead. You've turned water into wine. You turned a rod into a slithering snake. I'm thinking this is a fairly simple task. You can definitely cool down an engine. So why don't You??? I read of Samuel Morris and George Mueller and how You came in and saved doing miraculous things time and time again...proving to answer even their smallest request, delivering them time and again...meeting their every need in such amazing ways from sun up to sun down. Anger begins to dissipate as my heart begins to cry..."I want to be a Samuel Morris to you, Lord. I want to be one of Your favored ones who You have anointed from the very beginning. I want to be that person that when I walk into a room Your presence is undeniable....everyone near captured by your Holy Spirit. I want to be so buried in You that one must seek You in order to know me. I want to be that drenched in Your presence."



Thoughts turn to the last year of our life. How can I even begin to question a God who has delivered us so faithfully and so amazingly from the fire we have endured? How can I sit in self pity and anger over not getting my way when he fails to cool an engine when I ask....demand...Him to? I have a life that lives and grows within me. I have a daughter that has been made whole in every way. I have a freedom to stand up for myself, my children, my husband and to have boundaries...a freedom that has never in my life existed before. I am a different person than I was this time last year. I am a better person and more secure than I have ever been in the Lord. So why is it that I still question so easily? Still wallow in self pity and grow angry when things "owed" to us are not given? I mean, afterall, who in their right mind only makes due with 1 vehicle that does not even fit the entire family??? Every family in the US has 2 vehicles....and if by some small chance they are down to one....at least it seats them all. This is an American given.....that a 34 year old mother of 8 has a working vehicle. How could it not be??? What pregnant woman with 8 children is confined to the house and unable to travel anywhere. Don't people go insane like this???? And facing an indefinite amount of time in this state...well, that is just cause for free admission to an asylum. Everyone surely knows this.



So reality starts to form in my mind about what this sacrifice will consist of. No more outings as an entire family.....for how long, who knows. I almost instantly and foolishly wonder how on earth my children will ever be socialized under such conditions. Gentle reminders float through the head. Have I forgotten about the fifteen 92 year old women in town that Evye continuously bakes cookies for...ok, so maybe there's only more like 5...but that's still a ton of higher order geriatrics. Have I forgotten the 4 different people Grayson is doing work for as he learns to mix and lay concrete, trim trees, cut back brush, sand and paint...not to mention the work he is doing for Vortex spraying husband as he sands and preps the trucks waiting to be sprayed. Evye and the help she gives to city hall during mass mailouts as she stuffs, seals, stamps and addresses hundreds of envelopes? And the little boys as they merrily talk to people and fill orders for eggs? Lemonade sales as all 8 gather in front yard and work on flagging every passing vehicle down. Aubrey, as she tags along and learns the skills of the older 2. And I dare sit here fearing social ineptitude in my children due to not having a source of transportation??? How can I so easily overlook the social ministry waiting 2 doors down...or the the social gathering and training of city council meetings as decent citizens work to make a better life in this place.....as children learn to listen and observe government proceedings....despite how crude and primitive they might be. It's important they see the massive effort put into changing and bettering this lawless town we inhabit...how important it is to be a part and take action...to change what you can...to make a difference and be a testimony where you are. And somehow I manage to think that not being out in public and traveling will somehow limit their social interaction. I grow embarrassed at my own foolishness and how I can so overlook the opportunities that lie at our doorstep.



So I begin to wonder what exactly my days will look like as I face day after day of "confinement". Attitude of total self pity and selfishness begins to shift as deep conviction grows. I gaze at this husband of mine...working hard for every penny that we have, managing money, moving, shifting, placing, paying, stretching to make it all work. I see his sacrifices, I admire his dedication, determination and undying love for us. I know that it's not his desire to "inflict" this upon me and that it pains him just as much as it pains me to face reality...that it probably pains him even more because he feels responsible and that there's nothing he can do to fix it, to remedy any of it. My anger and self pity only prove to worsen this for him. How can I be so selfish and so wrapped up in my own self when I am not the only one feeling the discomfort? And how I can so easily stomp on his heart when he is doing all that he can to provide for us....would give me absolutely everything my heart ever desired if he could. How hard he works and how much he does, his own sacrifices made, as I sit buried and consumed in self pity because of what I am not given. I am not the only one who suffers in this deal. The only hope we have, just as the many years gone before us, is coming together and praying fervently for provision just as we have and will continue to do. The Lord has never once failed to provide for every one of these children He has given us and it is no different now. Every need will be met. If an emergency arises where a vehicle is needed..forever sweet paramedic husband's greatest fear...we both have no doubt or harbor any uncertainty that one will be provided at the time of need. Just as the night when tiny girl cut off pinky toe and van failed to start. Husband sent on "convenient" transfer happened to be only 2 towns away and picked us up on the way in to hospital. And when 3 year old split head open and needed staples....visiting mother was here to stay with 7 children at home. Every need is met...physically, financially, and in every other way.



On the extreme other side of all of this, once one begins to accept it for what it is and allow the work God wants to do there is an excitement that begins to grow. It is not only an ability to live on the edge but embrace the edge and live in expectation of what miracles God is going to do that we have the amazing honor of seeing in life. Maybe the miracle was not in the cooling of the engine and sparing of the van but the miracle lied in the van blowing up and us being able to see the works He is able to do above and beyond as needs arise due to lack of a vehicle. Maybe it is His way of cutting back our gas expenses temporarily and teaching us how to simplify life even more. We have simplified and live an extreme life to some but maybe it is the pushing of us to continue on past what has become our comfort zone and into even more extreme places of discomfort in life....so that we know what it is to so fully rely on Him that we cannot live or breathe or exist without living in His presence and relying on Him to meet our daily needs in a very literal sense.



To brace this figure of "extreme" in reality, we began this journey almost 4 yrs ago with 6 children with an income of 36,000 a year and a ton of debt. Over the years we have grown to 8 and a growing baby within on 42,000 a year with very little debt left. To be truthful.....it is hard, it is challenging, it is trying, it is difficult, it is far from fun at times and it takes a constant state of focusing on what we have been given rather than what we do not have and what we feel is owed to us by the world's standards. But as we have walked it out we have seen things most people will never in a lifetime see God do. We have seen our debt paid off. We have seen Him provide in ways He could never have provided for us otherwise, as we live never in need of anything. We both, along with all of our children, know what it is to prioritize and decipher needs vs desires, and they are learning the absolute importance of staying out of debt..and when you do slip and make mistakes, how important it is to pull yourself up and out of them with an attitude of repentance of not only being remorseful but also turning around and going in the other direction so as not to make the same mistake again.



I only quote numbers to show the miraculous things that God does on our behalf. So, I begin to adjust my attitude and realize that this is not punishment or dislike for me or us as a family but it is us being pushed to the edge to see views...miracles, provisions and things....that most will never get to see...because they never left the comfort zone of the ground to get to the top...or they reached the top but feared the edge. Oh, what we see and experience when we allow ourselves to live on the edge.



Life is not about comfort but more the willingness to suffer the discomfort to reach our full potential. How will we ever know God if He is never allowed to grow us? And how will we ever know how vast and great of a God He is if we never allow ourselves to rely on Him...or stay mad because of what we feel is owed to us...when it was never our's to begin with??? How do I embrace Him without also embracing the discomfort of being stretched and grown, shaped and molded into who it is I am to become in Him? I am convinced that unless there is a willingness to suffer one will never know what it is to be anything but a pew-warming, surface, Sunday morning Christian. How much they miss. How sad it is to never the know the height and breadth and depth of the God they claim to serve and worship. In the heart longing to be what Samuel Morris was and to see and do what George Mueller did there has to be a willingness to leave everything familiar...everything comfortable.....and embrace what it is to live on the edge. These men...they left comfort, they left familiarity, they left everything solid and secure so that they could know the fulness of the God they served. And in turn, they also left a legacy and lived a life few will ever know. The willingness to suffer....is it so easily lost, set aside...forgotten???? Let me always know what it is to live on the edge and to suffer for the cause of Christ. Oh, to be ruined for the ordinary. Let me never forget what it is to suffer for You and live an extraordinary life.




We arrive home. Van pouring smoke from under hood and out tail pipe. We look at each other and smile....each of us having quietly reached, somewhere along the 32 miles home, an inner contentment, acceptance and conviction with where we are, the role model we are to our children as they sit watching this scenario, and the realization that we are both being grown and stretched. Just another day in paradise. Another day to discover the works of an almighty God and look forward to what lies ahead...to see what things He will do on our behalf. He has not abandoned us or forsaken us.



I look around. Pastures of chickens pecking ground. Swings dangle from chains high up in the trees, swaying in the wind. Shaded carport, strewn out bikes and tricycles, toy horses, balls and happily barking dogs. Children, from oldest to youngest, help unload groceries. Gray brick, white trim, black shutters welcome us home cozily. Once inside, whirring fans click in their dizzying vigil, mopped floors and clean kitchen cheerily greet us. And I am reminded that if I am to be "stranded" anywhere there's no place I'd rather be than here....in my little paradise. Even in the discomfort there is pleasure. I love where we are and I am so thankful for what we have been given in our home, in our property, in our children to be able to roam freely, in the animals we have the ability to have. There is no lovelier place than home


....except when you want a Sonic cherry chocolate Diet Dr Pepper......or a strawberry limeade. And then there's nothing more beautiful than the glowing Sonic sign. In the meantime, I will be content with my little island paradise called home....and pray for a Sonic coke.