14 Weeks

I made it. This day last pregnancy was filled with so many tears. So much emotion. Preparations to leave as we spent the first few weeks of so much heartache in the presence of sweet friends, listening to waves, days spent in sun as we tried to wrap our minds around what was happening...what had happened over the last few months of our lives. There is still much to deal with....healing still unfinished...of all that took place last summer. It is true to some extent that the insurmountable pain does subside to some extent but the questions do not..the anger does not....at least not now, not yet. They are all still there and I still ponder all of life. The why's of it all. So many memories tied into late summer/early fall, 14 wks, coping, just trying to survive. It wasn't just losing a baby but losing control over so many areas of our lives that we thought we had so protected, that we so easily took for granted, that we trusted the Lord to protect.

How orchestrated it all was to be in the presence of friends....dear kindred spirits that have become so much more than just merely friends.....with which the Lord surrounded us and lifted us up as we walked through the first two weeks of what would be a long arduous 14 wk journey of losing Gideon after the 14 wks spent growing him. How is it possible to still grieve the loss of your last baby....wonder who he is now, who he would've been here.....yet still be filled with so much love and emotion for this new one we have been given?

14 weeks. I am here.