Disturbing Happenings in Cyberworld

I'm still trying to decide whether I'm just ultra sensitive due to having never anticipated making my personal thoughts so entirely public or whether I have just cause to be extremely careful in monitoring visitors to such a personal endeavor for me. But there are some crazy sickos out there in the ever elusive cyberworld of computers and faceless people.

I put my little counter on the bottom of my page in an effort to monitor who comes and goes from the blog to ensure some realm of safety. It tracks personal data information of visitors coming and going. It also tracks keywords if my blog was found by a search engine and what keyword/s led them here. So, it's usually something odd I'll never in my life understand people searching the internet for. One time it was "Big Haircut" another time it was "Golden Rule". I'm still not exactly sure how that one led them here. But, as of a few days ago the search words "Spanking Spoon Kids" directed them here. I thought it was more than odd as I wondered who in the world would put in a search criteria for that. But as my searching continued, perusing more in depth as to where they went on here, it showed that this faceless person hidden behind technical numbers and a far away screen pretty much read almost the entire thing in one sitting. That always makes me a little cautious that someone would read this thing that extensively. It would take hours!!! But then larger red flags flew highly as they came back the next day and actually searched the blog itself for these words....."paddle", "bend over", "hairbrush", "spoon" and "belt". Who does that crap???? And why????? What kind of a person goes looking for ways you discipline your children and gets off on it???? They then proceeded to read in that sitting what hadn't already been read the day before. I just don't understand that. It's enough to make me think twice about this whole thing and once again turn it into something that only my eyes see. Even if they were doing it in the name of "safety" for my children who in the world imposes it upon themselves to judge how I see fit to make my children behave? And when, oh when, did America go so far downhill that taking actions to have decently behaved children that are taught to act becomingly and properly, having established boundaries in life, turn into abuse???...if that's indeed what this person was seeking to believe. Either way, search words to that effect cannot be good....whether they find it arousing to prey on their perceived ideas of disciplinarians or they are reviewing my personal life searching for abuse problems in our family.

I suppose after it all passed they found nothing too amusing since they have no longer been back. But it was so alarming to me that I was tempted for more than a few days to once again be the soul eyes that see mine and Brad's personal journey through parenthood. After being so unnerved about it I finally settled down enough to hear the Lord speak. All He said to my palpatating heart was "Be still and know that I am God. If I am for you who can be against you? You shall not be ashamed when you speak with your enemies. You are a blessing and I have created you to be an example to the people I bring into your life." Once again peace fell over me and I began to pray.

I look at Boothe's blog and know that mine will probably never in a lifetime reach that depth or minister to anyone as her's as ministered to me. I know that my personally documented life is full of more comically minded mishaps of large families and ramblings of life with a bunch of kids than it ever is of Spiritual revelations that I receive or, even more so, dare impart to anyone else. But in my prayer I began to pray that whatever this person found that it would so minister to them that they would be captivated by the life we live. That they would no longer look at the world through their microscope in an attempt to set the world straight but begin to become fully aware of the encompassing power of our God, and the saving grace of the love of Jesus Christ. The same Jesus I am bringing my children up to know, respect and love with all of their heart, mind, soul and strength. For the 1st time in my writing I began to have a longing to reach people through this. When they are led here, for whatever reason it is that brings them here, that they are overcome with the Spirit of a living God. They would become so entrenched that they are not able to escape it and it would begin a voracious pursuit of God that they are completely unable to understand. I have begun to pray that they will never be satisfied until that void in their life is filled. Filled by the Holy Spirit. I hope that when people glimpse...or delve....into our life that it would be so captivating that it would truly be like reading a book that they are unable to put down. That our simple, mundane, around our house and town life would be so filled with adventure in our pursuit of following the Lord, as we attempt to live out the convictions that have been placed on our life, that it would minister to struggling parents and people in general, even if be only one or two in my lifetime of journaling our story. I hope that these searching people see our down to earth, very real, faltering attempts to raise our children. A task so monumental that we can only rely on the Lord to work in us and through us to accomplish the task He has given us in raising these children, these miraculous blessings in our lives.

Through this I cannot help but ponder how strangely we are all connected through a computer....many of these readers whom I have never met and will probably never meet......some that I have everything in common with and some that I have abslutely nothing in common with. I even have a beloved mother from Turkey and her friends who are now reading this crazy journey of our's. Sometimes a computer is just a strange foreign thing to me with a bunch of nameless, faceless people and sometimes it is just the coolest thing ever that it has the ability to unite so many likeminded people that are, in some form or fashion, also creating their own life story.

Futility

That would be the word that comes to mind when I think of our well meaning livestock/farming attempts. Is there a family out there that can match our ineptity (now there's a totally non-existent word) at this..............I am thinking not. What is it with our incompetence at containing both children and livestock within a healthy parameter? So, for the 2nd time in a period of only a few short months Fletch gets out yet again and starts freakin running all over town. I've determined we are indeed the town freak show.......as if there was any doubt. People think we're just plain nuts.

I was dutifully informed by my main informant, as she crashed through the back door yelling in animated ways, that Fletch was on the run. Despite her young 4 years she is quite the source of breaking news. I asked how a 20 ton donkey managed to slip out the gate and she said Evye had let him out. No sooner had she gotten enough of her story out for me to figure out it was indeed really true that Brad went rocketing out of the driveway yet again in his truck. I resigned myself to reality. Not knowing exactly what I should be doing I just kept cooking. But with a hot skillet ready for venison and frozen tator tots getting soggy on the cabinet I knew I couldn't just go aid in the redneck roundup. So, I cooked. I finally started getting a guilty conscience and a few worries so I gave instructions to the now wailing Evye to stay with Gavin. I threw all 3 little boys in the Suburban along with a bucket of hay and took off. I sped up to 90 only to get to the end of the driveway and wonder which way I should go. Then I just figured if I sat there long enough I was certain of seeing Brad racing furiously down the neighboring streets. So, I sat. Just as expected he shows up blowing down by the parsonage. I head that way. Fletch is now running wildly like a mustang, pitching like a stupid donkey playing with the banker's horse. They were running the entire fence line having the time of their lives. He had the wild eyed look and having seen it before I knew this was not going to be a swift endeavor. Grayson showed up on his bike with a cup of oats. Brad motioned for me to take a place and he went around to the other side.......all in our vehicles I might add.....(kind of like that musical chairs car commercial where they're all driving around looking completely ridiculous finding a parking place). We blocked him in and Grayson lured him with the oats. Not bad but not really good either since Fletch was just freakin standing there eating out of the cup. Not much progress going on here. Grayson begins leading him home but, of course, stupid donkey doesn't want to go home. But he's on the move. Brad urges him forward with an engine rev and I block escape routes. Finally beside the Suburban I stay beside the now moving Fletch and walk/drive his crazy butt towards our driveway. In his untamed, wild and one-with-nature state he bucks like a crazy, crapped out donkey and starts running. Freakin great. But he heads down the driveway so things start looking up....until he runs his butt..(and just a side note here, but butt is not really the word that comes to mind in this scenario but I'm trying to cut down on the profanity issue....yep, it sucks)..... so he runs his BUTT over behind the neighbor's house. Having been there/done that once before I'm a little nervous of the invisible barbwire going on over in that territory. So, I sit in our driveway. Brad drives through their yard, successfully evading the invisible barbwire, and gets him going back in the right direction. He finally managed to at least get him in the middle ungated pasture. Of course, he starts bucking and running around wildly feeling like he's quite won in his attempts at getting attention. I have Aubrey go open his gate, Brad pulls in sideways and I back up to clog the holes. I bound out to help run around and look like a stupid moron with the others only to realize the Suburban, with all 3 little boys in it, is driving away. Hello. I chase it down and hop back in to slam it in park and put the break on. All the while boys laugh hysterically thinking it's the most fun unmanned ride in the world. I back it back up and get it back to where it was doing it's job of clogging escape routes. Fletch heads towards his gate and then as he nears it just stands adamantly, proving his point, I suppose. I stomp, clap and yell at him and with a feisty little end to the rodeo he grudgingly trots back in. Gate closed. I park the Suburban and make my way in to face the sobbing Evye. She was laying on her bed and refused to see the world. After comforting her and assuring her is was quite the accident.........wasn't it?........I assured her that Brad would not disown her or put her up for adoption and she really should come join the family. So, with quite some uncertainty issues going on she made her way out. Brad didn't help by lighting into them about trying to massacre the goats due to failing to assess their water supply. Finally he held her and explained why Grayson needs to be feeding Fletch and all was well.

So it is that we yet again rounded up an obstinate, wayward, way stupid animal for the 50th time in our 13 months of attempting to live out the dreamed of farm life. Whatever happened to the Walton's and Ma and Pa milking old Bessie? Have mercy if we ever show up with a dairy cow. It was greatly considered for some time. We'd more than likely give it a fatal case of mastitis or inadvertently produce the 1st ever falf....1/2 donkey foal 1/2 cow calf. Yep...the whole livestock thing is quite the learning experience. But I press on cause I figure at some point in my life I really will get this. Maybe.

Onto the more regal, sophisticated, not-so-running-wildly-around-in-the-wind-chasing-stupidly-after-possessed-animals side of life. I spoke at the homebirth seminar tonight. I just figured if I looked at it more like story telling I might lose some of my public speaking inhibitions. So, I pulled it off and actually impressed myself with my own ability to overcome. Or, well.....maybe not mine, but the Spirit's ability within me. It was quite the success. So, that was fun. Can we sing "I have confidence in sunshine.....(or something of that sort). I have confidence in rain. I have confidence in confidence aloooooooone. Besides what you see I have confidence in me." What's that lovely melody from?

Alright, here we go..........it's 2:53 am and I'm wired from a caffeine high. But there's a freakin rooster crowing outside. No doubt the same stupidly screwed up in the head rooster that crowed at this same hour last night and the night before. I think the time change royally screwed him up too. Seriously, he's on his 5th freakin crow. What's up with that? Oh.....now Fletch is honking back at him. That's lovely. I wonder what other lovely form of fowl and mammal will join in for the night time rendition of Home on the Range. I seriously gotta go to bed.

Donkeys like Play-Doh

Who knew? Goats also really like platado.....I guess play-doh and poatato were just a little too close for Aubrey.....but I could've told you that small fact about goats before the children tested out that theory. We're full of all kinds of odd bits of info concerning livestock. Info that people without tons of young children probably don't know. It just so happened that the children were given a 66 pc playdoh set by Brad's mom and after playing with it for hours they then decided to see which animals would eat what. Dogs love platado, goats really love it and donkeys will try it out before eating the piece as a whole. Little 18 month old boys REALLY love it and cannot find it within themselves to merely squish it. It was physically impossible to set it before him without it hitting the mouth before ever even turning around. Of course, then if you left him out of the fun and just gave him a few toys on the floor to occupy him that would never do since, afterall, all 5 older siblings were playing with something far greater and more interesting. You'd think by the 6th one I'd know by now that an 18 month old is not capable of playing nicely with play-doh and refraining from the whole shoving it into the mouth issue. I've never been more thankful for hard floors in all of my life. Truly. The last time they played with it was the 1st and last in that house. We had carpet under our dining room table. It doesn't take a whole lot of imagination to envision what it looked like only a few days after installation. After it was exposed to no less than 39 slices of pizza, 252 chocolate milks, 178 Big Red's, 511 Sprite's and 6 large containers of playdoh it was pretty much deemed a disaster zone with no possible signs of helping it in anyway. Yes.......I do love linoleum, ugly and old though it may be.

And today was our 1st real day of col weather. I'm sure at some point the mild 70's will return before the year ends but, for the present, it was incredibly cold. It was fun waking to the light at 6:30 and thoughts of hot pumpkin coffee and pink fluffy house shoes were enough to get me out from under the heavy covers and onto my feet. Big yellow school buses rolled by rumbling their way down the street and I was so grateful and so filled with joy that my 3 school age children were still tucked warmly under covers, healthy and not fighting off every infection that rampages its way through the school. I have the joy of feeding them breakfast in their warm cozy home instead of sitting in the cold lunch room with a lukewarm cinnamon roll and some cold cereal. So, they just ate their cold cereal here. I was not rushing them out the door for the day and giving my time with them over to teachers that would have them for many hours more of the day than I ever would. When they woke up animals were fed and we finished pulling out the remaining winter clothes. Garrison and Grant were bundled up in fleece lined pants and little fleece shirts and Garrett was dressed in one of their sweatsuits....since they all wear the same size now. It makes for easy dressing. Evye threw on 15 layers and huddled under them all day and Grayon threw on his t-shirt and took off out the door running off most of his energy and warming himself up without the need of anything aiding him. And then, of course, Aubrey being Aubrey wore a pink ballerina leotard and went barefooted all day out in the windy cold.....playing as hard as she could.

It was a true November TX sky. Gray and sunless with cold north winds blowing. I marveled at how one day you can look into the sky and see trees laden with leaves and then the very next day you look out again and those same leaves have fallen and naked gray trees stand blowing bare in the wind. Leaves fell and whirled sounding like rain as they landed on the tin above. Gentle, thumping little taps of the changing season. It reminded me of Thanksgivings gone by and how close yet how far away my childhood has become. It made me so entirely grateful to be where I am and for my children to have what they have in a family. I was overwhelmed with gratefulness that my children do not have to endure the insecurities that I did as a child and that through everything that I have been through they have everything to gain. They will never question Brad's and my relationship, they will not have the self image issues to overcome, and if by some chance questions do arise about this I will be fully equipped with dealing with them, having been there myself for too many years. There are things I miss but there are things I would never go back to. I love having my own little family and I love the making of our traditions, things my own children can grow up loving and remembering. I love that they will have the memories of being surrounded by tons of siblings and continual joy and activity. I love what we have been blessed with. It's just amazing to me to feel like my childhood is not so very long ago but to have children of my own that are making these memories. I have come so far in so many ways but still am so very far from reaching the goal.

And on that note, I have been asked to speak at a Homebirth seminar Thursday night. It occurred to me today how I have grown in so many ways when I just said yes without thinking. There was a time in my life....many many years of it........that I would not even speak. And form of public speaking was not even a consideration. It was hard enough to speak to an individual. The thought of speaking to a group was so incapacitating that I avoided any kind of appearances where I thought I might be put on the spot for whatever reason. When being asked to do this and recount Garrett's homebirth and Gavin's unassisted homebirth I was elated and jumped at the opportunity. I love that we have been blessed enough to help others struggling or filled with questions about this process. I love that the Lord has given me Garrison's and Grant's story to tell to give other multiple moms hope. The entire world minus my supportive family and 1 supportive friend told me a c-section was not only inevitable but the only wise way to go about their birth. It was such an entirely emotional journey for me and the Lord heard every cry of my heart and was there catching every tear that was wept through that ordeal. "Though you will walk through the fire you will not be burned." Brad and I both truly walked through the fire in every way and we came out not only smoke free but many more times refined than how we entered. It is such a testimony of a living, breathing, loving God. So it is that I will be one of the speakers at this homebirth seminar. I am excited and being nervous really just isn't an issue anymore. I think I'm just too passionate about it to worry about nerves. I know that The Lord has called me to this as a ministry and it is not I that speaks but He that speaks through me.

I also did a phone interview last night with an author and speaker writing a book on homeschooling children with learning disabilities. I told a very shortened version of our journey with dyslexia and where we are now. I find I am so utterly passionate about that issue also that my lack of social skills and immaturity tend to become a little too evident when it counts. I am overwhelmed by where we were 4 years ago with Grayson and where we are today. The journey has been long and hard with many tears shed along the way but we have been successful and he is a completely normal reading 4th grader. We are successful homeschoolers making it work. When recounting our story I still get overwhelmed with emotions telling of the day we were told he would not be reading had it not been for my intense work with him. The public school learning disability specialist told me that had he been in school he would not be able to read and he was an amazing story that proved homeschooling to be a huge success. That was during some of our deepest darkest times through it all. I went home and cried out all of my deeply, long internalized emotions of frustration, relief, worry, sadness, joy and every other emotion only a mother dealing with this would know. I had been so condemned and suffered from such a guilty conscience for so long. I cried again last night after hanging up the phone just remembering the emotions of what our journey has entailed up to this point. We are blessed in every way.

And then I turned my thought to Evye and how we have been given such freedom in homeschooling her. By the school's mandate she would be 8 wks into 1st grade now. They needed a class leader and advised she stay and promote up from K to 1st. She was bored and restless with her kinder work but they needed someone to lead so they held her there. Here we are 6 wks into her 2nd grade curriculum and she is flying through it with no obstacles or issues. It is an absolute joy to teach her and know she truly is better off here in every way. I love teaching both of them. I love teaching Grayson his math. I actually love relearning it with him. God has used him to teach me in so many ways. He has used Grayson to overcome my own mental block with math. And I have seen there is nothing that I cannot do. It has given me endless amounts of courage to face the years ahead when we step out into foreign lands of subjects I am not that familiar with. I love this journey. It keeps it fun and interesting for us all.

And here's a little fun interesting school conversation with Evye. She is reviewing her silent k rule in the kn words. She had a myriad of pictures in which she was supposed to label c, k, n or kn. She had every one labeled correctly except for the picture of the kettle in which she wrote kn under it. I asked her why every one of them were correct except that one picture. She looked at me with huge honest blue eyes and just said "Well, in that one the n is silent." Not really sure where that one came from but it made me laugh.

The Disadvantages of Sharing a Bed

........with your twin. But actually, I could name more than a few disadvantages of sharing a bed with Brad. A couple being that he pulls all the covers off of me while rolling up like a burrito and another being that he traps obnoxiously, stinky odors under the covers and then airs them out an hour later on my side thinking it's way too funny.

As far as siblings go though.....apparently the whole children waking to puke at evil hours of the night was not over. So as I walked down the hallway to put Gavin to bed at 1 am (adjusted time since the time changed, which really according to my body was 2 am) Garrison started crying from his room.....which he never does. Already not looking too good. So, I put Gavin down and make my way to Garrison just as I hear him cry, "I think I'm gonna chuke!!!!" That would be the word he and Grant invented for choke and puke. I sheepishly turn the handle wondering if I really want to venture in and, being that it was in the dark, I thought I'd caught it before he actually did it. Being the gentle mother that I am I swiftly swing him over the rail and out of the bed hoping it'd just hit the hard floor and miss the sheets. But I disgustingly figured out the hard way it was too late. I bring him into the kitchen light and confirmed what I already knew was on my hands and clothes from ingeniously sweeping him up in my all too hurried efforts. So, he gets to the kitchen trash and hangs his head over that for awhile...yes, at the age of barely even being 3 my children have been trained well. They may not mind all that well but they know what to do without question when they puke. I go back in to survey the damage. And being the advantaged sibling Grant had graciously been the recipient of Garrison's indigestion. Everyone else in the house had been fed a mild oatmeal dinner for the just-in-case but having run out of oatmeal and Garrison being the willing one he had eaten a hot dog. I was tempted to add to the contents already deposited on the sheets. I checked Grant over and there was no hope of not waking him, seeing as how he was still sleeping through it all. I suppose Garrison had just turned and faced him when the urge hit so it was all over him, both pillows and sheets. For the 2nd night in a row I start running bathwater at an ungodly hour and this time go back to face the bed that awaited me. With Brad gone I was on my own this go around. I began stripping sheets and pillows and little twin boys. In the tub they went and I started my 1st load of wash for the day. I went on a scavenger hunt for something that would suffice as an improvised sheet for their bed. Since we've never owned a full sz bed before we have 1 full sz sheet. It gets washed in the morning and is back on by naptime each week. So, this little predicament posed a problem. I found a big old, king sz comforter and after drenching the mattress protector with a myriad of disinfectants I laid it out for them and made up their bed as best as I could given the situation. I then go to face the 2 disgusting kids that await me in the tub. After giving baths, washing hair and finding new pj's they were sent back to bed. Thankfully Grant saw fit to stay in the bed, probably fearing for his life given his experience the night before. I was able to sleep for hours on end though the whole daylight savings kind of lost it's appeal as I climbed back into bed at 2 am........though I guess it'd have been 3 am otherwise.

They outrageously woke at 6:30 since, to their bodies, it was of course 7:30. Can I cuss the guy that came up with this crap? I couldn't really see making it to church with 2 puking kids so I laid there and tried to decide whether to forge ahead and push through or to be mindful of our fellow church going members and have mercy on them. When Evye awoke saying her stomach hurt I had visions of arriving at church and being stuck in the bathroom with a puking little girl in a pretty church dress. So, sadly I gave up our church going endeavors yet again and we missed yet another week. I long to be back! I love the drive, I LOVE the pastor and his wife and our little tiny congregation.

I couldn't really get motivated to do anything for the 1st 1/2 of the day so I just sat and talked while Mother finished up the wash and hung up clothes. I felt like I could sleep for days. But, finally at some point the 15 caffeinated drinks kicked in for both Gavin and I and I proceeded to set to work. I am at a point in life where my biggest goal is to streamline. God has been taking me through a process of elimination that he started as far back as when we began talks of moving. I thinned out massive amounts of stuff. Just crap that I kept for whatever reason. I then moved on to toys somewhere in there. We paired down our toy inventory to bare basics. They play outside so much here that a need for toys is not paramount and, at some point, just becomes more crap to pick up. So, we greatly narrowed down that area of our lives. One of the most amazing, eye opening things I've ever read was in Above Rubies where Evangeline spoke of how the only toys they had in their house were 5 dresser drawer fulls. Each of her 5 children had 1 drawer each and if it didn't fit it didn't stay or something else had to go. I loved the simplicity of that. Granted, we haven't gotten quite that extreme yet but we're far from having even an average amount of toys for the average American family. So, on I was moved and came to the point of dealing with mine and Brad's clothes and our closet. Clothes have always been an issue for me. It's hard to get rid of them, especially children's clothes, not knowing what we will later need. But, they are also a very overwhelming thing to me. And the more large families I meet the more I am amazed at how many have only 7 play outfits for each child and 2-4 dress outfits. What a blessing that would be in my life!!! I am sometimes buried beyond the ability to be found for days on end dealing with clothes issues. So, all of that to say, I set to work on that today. I prayed before delving in and asked the Lord to just show me what to keep and what to give away. And, surprisingly to me, it came easily as I worked my way through it. And always, the verse would come back "Freely you have received, freely give." So, putting away all thoughts of trying to sort by donation, selling and keeping I began to sort by two piles....give and keep. It felt sooooo good.

In my efforts of tackling the beginning of this huge project I filled boxes. Grayson loaded the back of the Suburban up and we filled it full of clothes we do not need and stuff they will never wear for whatever reason. The more I sorted the more lighthearted I became and the more energy I had. By the end of it I had a pile of coat hangers, whereas before I was groaning over the fact we needed more again next time we went to town, and the thought of what lay ahead of me in dealing with this issue was not nearly as foreboding.....actually, it began to take on excitement.

No one else ever puked. I had allowed them to play outside all day in the event that one did. I figured if somebody else got it at least it would not be the massive cleanup that I had already been forced to deal with twice. So, while I sorted and Mother washed they played fairly contentedly. The day did hold some form of infinity to it since noon felt like 1 and 12:30 felt like they should've been in bed for naps hours ago. 4 rolled around and I thought surely it was time to start feeding animals since the daylight hours said it should be 5. At 7 they were all in bed as we just followed our body clocks. I didn't think to look at the clock until after they were all tucked in and cringed when I saw 7! It felt like 8:30! So, they each drifted off fairly quickly and I am left not really savoring the thought of children waking at 6 am. The time change screws me up so bad every year. Once upon a time very long ago when the clock fell back I just remember setting my clock and thinking........I get a whole extra hour to sleep for a total of probably 13 hours! Now, when I set my clock back I think of the wicked hour children will be wanting food in the morning. But, it does mean the sun will be coming up earlier. With that I can begin my morning walk since I now will have the sunrise to aid in my efforts of keeping a morning routine.

It's now 1:15 am which is really 2:15 am to my body. And I still have emails waiting and some that have been waiting for way too many days now. At this point I have no desire to load any pics so I'll see if I can get to some later tomorrow along with finishing up my Thanks Tank post.

Parenting - The Good, The Bad and The Just Plain Gross

Finally...more pics!!!! We were able to get them from the camera to the computer but I'm not exactly sure what the prognosis is on the camera itself. But, for now, we have more pics!

Let's just say last night was seemingly infinite. In fact, I'm not quite sure it's ended yet. After almost a year of none of the children being sick we seem to have gotten into allergy season and all of them have some sort of runny nose, red bloodshot eyes that look like they've had one too many to drink, as Brad says, and a couple have run fever here and there. But, other than me, everybody else has seemed to avoid everything.

Making Cookies

So, last night Brad and I went out on a date for the 1st time in awhile. It felt good to be out. It felt good to have a little to splurge just to be able to sit and eat a meal that was served to me without having to face the kitchen afterwards. It felt good just to look at each other and say whatever was on our minds without pausing to give instructions every 5 sentences. Gavin is a social little butterfly these days and is just now getting to the age where all of life holds a vast amount of unending interest for him. So, he sat perched in my lap just loving being held and taking all of his surroundings in. He is so sweet and so much fun. The older he gets the more fun he becomes and the absolute cuter he is. He caught everybody's attention by his smiles and coos and not one person found themselves immune to his contagious little grin. We were interrupted all evening by compliments showered upon him....interruptions that I somehow didn't mind.

Pretty red head boy

2 stupid dogs

So, we did our usual grocery trip date night and then headed home. Grayson and Evye took off with Mother to spend the night with her and Brad and I shut down the house and headed for bed around midnight. Somewhere around the 3am time frame I was jolted awake by the disgusting, notorious splat of some form of bodily fluid hitting the hallway floor. Assuming Garrison hadn't quite made it to the bathroom I was prepared to clean up pee and change his pj's. But.......no. I was greeted by the dim hallway light casting shadows of a 4 year old breathing in just enough to take another heave and puke all over the floor once again. In my nighttime stupor I begin trying to find a trash can........all the while as she breathes in and pukes out no less than 104 times. Finally I give up and watch in horror as she holds her head down and her hair hangs around her face and she continues in her efforts of ridding herself of whatever it is she ate hours before. So, I figure she's on a hard, carpetless floor and so far it's been contained in one spot. So, better to leave her there and let her finish than to drag a trail of it down the hallway or across bedroom carpet trying to get to a toilet. So, she pukes again and again and I wake Brad. I'd already been awakened by Grant twice and finally gave up and figured getting to sleep beat putting him back in his bed 15 freakin times. So he had been asleep in the middle of us and was now waking too in the activity. Brad got out of bed just in time to see the vast, limitless amount of contents her stomach was capable of holding so I figured at least he could be grossed out with me. I asked him to take care of the floor while I dealt with her. So it was that at 3 am I begin running bathwater, bathing a little body and washing long strands of hair. Clean and in a fresh warm gown she was put back to bed along with Grant being redeposited back in his bed. That ordeal was over somewhere around the 3:45 mark and I climbed sleepily back into bed.

Cold movie nights

4:14am. Here comes Grant. Ok. So, like the loving mother I know I am I gently get up, lead him back to his bed yet again and threaten him within an inch of his life, after tucking him under warm covers and handing him all 78 things he sleeps with.





4:48am. Here he comes with underwear in hand. Alright, so he had to pee. Put back on underwear and send him back to his bed. He obstinately stands in the hallway and I remember thinking something about how I hoped Brad had cleaned it up really well since he was standing exactly where puke had splattered only an hour before. Tired and wanting sleep I just ignored him and hoped he would find his way back to bed. But, being Grant, of course not. So, he starts sniffing....enough to be obnoxious and annoying but not a cry and not quiet. Just a fake sniff to assure you he is displeased with the situation but can't really work up a good cry over it either. So, giving up trying to be mindful of Brad sleeping peacefully next to me I finally just told Grant to go get back in his bed quite loudly and in total exasperation. So, he then finds it somewhere deep within himself to work up a wail. A siren worthy wail. Just plain mad at this point I throw the covers back and have a little fit myself. I march him back to his bed, which, of course, does nothing for the situation but make it worse, and non too gently deposit him in it. In my little tantrum of taking a screaming kid back to bed he then wakes Garrison and Aubrey with his fit. So, once I got that under control I left them all very awake in their beds. The other 2 drifted off.



5:12am. Here he comes again. He lost his freakin lion. At the moment I had mental images of hot licking flames eating little stuffed lions. Spoon in hand we have a character building lesson, for both of us at that point, right there in the pitch black dark. Back to bed he goes and I make a mental note to burn everything he sleeps with when I wake up....if I wake up.



5:30am. Baby crying from far away needing a boob. Oh my freakin gosh. I swear the night has no end. I get up and am greeted by volatile little laughs and tiny kicking feet when I appear. I pick him up and take him back to bed with me. He nurses contentedly as I doze off and on. At some point an hour or so into it he whimpers to be nursed on the other side. I roll us over and doze back off.


6:30am. Tiny baby pukes all over me in large quantities. So, I rise and clean us both up, lay a towel on the sheets and get back in bed.





7:30am. The house is awake and ready for breakfast, minus Aubrey of course. I roll over 1/2 way mad at Brad that he can sleep so soundly when I have had maybe 2 hours total worth of sleep. How in the world can he work at a station and wake at every noise and beep but come home and sleep like the dead????? I think it goes about like selective hearing. He selectively sleeps through it all. I nudge him and ask him to give everybody a Nutrigrain bar, some yogurt and put on a movie since I'm nursing yet again seeing as how he had puked it all up only an hour before. He gets up cranky and sets off to get everybody situated and I fall back into a deep sleep.




9am. Phone rings and for the 3rd time in 24 hours they ask him to come in for overtime. With his mom and sister on their way I roll over and give up trying to sleep. At some point between 8 and 9 I was able to sleep uninterrupted so I figure that's enough. His mom calls seconds after hanging up with the station and says they're on their way. After explaining that Aubrey's sick, Grayson and Evye are not even here and he's headed in for OT he figures it's not such a good idea to bring Abby's new baby by. Stomach virus while trying to care for a newborn....not sounding too good. So, they decide to head to the station to meet him there and the children and I camp out here.

Best friends...yes, she's kissing him

With Gavin back in the swing and me trying to get my day started I eat a bagel, drink some hot tea and call Mother to make sure nobody else has had stomach aches. Nope. Safe there. Then Gavin begins to cry again. Finishing up my quick breakfast I go to pick him up and apparently everything he has not seen fit to poop out for the last 3 days suddenly manifested itself in 1 diaper...successfully setting off a poop bomb. The higher I lift him the more reality takes hold of what exactly the terrain looks like. At arms' length I take him to the same bathtub that only hours ago I had washed a puke laden kid in. I strip him down and try to clean him up as best as I can before powerwashing him with something akin to a water jet that would sandblast most any surface. But.......he's smiley and happy and filled with laughs and coos. After doing something of that magnitude I'm sure most anyone would be smiley and happy and feel better. I could only lean over the bathtub and hope that the last 8 hours worth of work are by no means an indicator of the rest of the day.

Filthy Daddy home from welding but happy baby

After being nursed yet again he was put back to bed and now sleeps peacefully. I have since changed 2 crapped out diapers on Garrett and am hoping that no one else pukes at this point. It's a 24 OT shift for Brad, he's on again tomorrow and will probably be called again on Monday for another 24 OT shift. It is, afterall, the 1st weekend of deer season and every firefighter in the city of San Angelo seems to have gone missing. I am so thankful for it though and his checks are very family friendly during deer season.

pretty days on the trampoline

a perfect 3 year old flip

So it is that my day has started many, many hours ago. I think I probably should've given up on the idea of sleep when the 3 am episode rolled around and it probably would've made for a lot less frustration on my part. Despite the fact I sit here still looking exactly like I did at 9 am, it's a beautiful day, no one else shows any signs of puking, I think everybody's pooped out....literally...so that's over, Grayson and Evye are on their way home along with Mother who's spending the night and I cannot wait for church tomorrow.

Early football lessons

Deep thoughts






You know, on a side note of everything gross that I have done in the last 8 hours, I keep trying to work myself up to cloth diapering and really getting geared up for it. But after the amount of disgustingness I have just lived through and the 2 diapers I have just changed on Garrett I can't help but be a little bit thankful that it is not going into the washing machine....or that I even have to remotely deal with it. At some point I am quite sure and have every faith that my gross tolerance level will work it's way up and I will indeed be diapering cloth butts.

I think he has my ears

.........and Grant's baby pucker

My homemade croissant rolls....more plain roll than croissant..but impressive none the less

Cotton harvesting season. After pulling over to watch the activity of the combines, pressers and haulers we collected a few scattered ones laying around to take home and study. These things grow into trees. You can see the root system and braches on it. We decided to plant some seeds and let them grow to see the finished tree result in a few years.

Front porch fun...and a ton of kids. It looks like the neighborhoods over until it occurred to me they're all mine.

Thursday Thanks Tank

Well, I kind of skipped last week due to being more than a little bedridden. But, here I am back into the swing of everyday everything and thankful for the very essence of life itself.





1. November


As we drove into town the night before last I was quite taken with the barrenness of the trees. And again this morning I awoke to look out the kitchen window and discover the changing of seasons. Somewhere in time I missed it and the sweet summer days gently transitioned into crisp fall mornings. I was inspired and yet a little sad in a bittersweet way at the cold morning wind blowing through the open window. The few remaining leaves fell from the trees and seemed suspended in time and already fallen leaves blanketed what used to be deep green grass. The aroma of coffee wafted through the air and I was overcome with how short each season of life is. I had missed it. Somewhere in between changing diapers and fixing meals the seasons changed and we are wrapped in the crispy coolness, even cold, of autumn. It moved me to pray and I became bittersweetly aware of how swift, how very quickly my years with the children blow by. Just as the north wind has blown away the warmth of summer days I look up to see my children ever changing in the seasons of their own little lives. I deeply pray that I will not miss a minute. That I hug them and love them and wrap myself around them each and every day of these fleeting seasons that become so increasingly harder to hold onto. I do not wish for them to stay little forever but sometimes these days just seem so short. I love November. I love the awareness of change that it brings and how it impels me to hold my children a little closer and love them for the short time that I have with them. I am so grateful that we have different seasons in our lives as we experience life to the very fullest extent.







2. Hot Running Water

For real! As the days, especially mornings and nights, grow colder I very rarely ever take hot running water for granted! I am so thankful the baths in bucket days are gone and traipsing out to the outhouse when it's 30 below is no longer an issue for people. And I know all too well from my mission trips that for some people running water is a luxury they will never in a lifetime see in their poverty stricken countries.




Alright...my heart is overflowing with thanks of every kind. But due to Mother arriving and a hungry baby desperately wanting to nurse I need to end this. I've been slowly chipping away at this post since this afternoon and it is now 9 at night! I will get back to this, add and edit as soon as I have some extra time tomorrow. I love doing this too much to stop now.

Oceans of Love

I will make this quick, as we are going to attempt church tomorrow, despite the week I've had. But last night as Grant woke up disoriented and crying I finally fumbled my way down the dark hall and to him in his room. I was met at the children's bedroom door by a sleepy eyed, crying Grant who stood with his blue puppy in one hand, his brown mama and baby lion in the other and a football tucked up under his arm. He stood crying looking so little. I knelt down to hug him and asked him what he needed. The sweetest answer in all of the world followed in whispered tones by a gruff, groggy little voice, "I need you, mama. I jus' need you."

And Gavin has been laughing for about a week now. There is no sweeter sound than to hear each baby's 1st laugh. As I sit and nurse now he will smile and coo up to me. As I conversed back with him apparently something struck him as funny and he went into fits of uncoordinated baby chuckles. He hasn't quit since. And our sweet Gavin's hair is finally long enough to swirl in mesmerizing patterns on his perfect little head. Swirling hairs of red. Though it is still not Grant's red we do have yet another red head in the family.....at least for now. It may fall out and come in to be yet another blond but, for now, we have another more-strawberry-than blond head of baby hair. He is so perfect in every way. How can I fall so in love all over again? How is it that after 7 children you can be so entrenched in love that you feel as though you will drown in your contentment and absolute oceans of it? How is it possible to fall so deeply in love with yet another human being so much?

Healing Words

Here I sit just wanting to write.....to say something, but with nothing really on my heart or really humorous that is worthy of any note. I think it must be the melancholy of the numerous pounds of Tylenol and Advil now in my system, now with Keflex and Benadryl added to that combination of meds. Lovely. That can't be healthy. But it kept me functioning when I had to keep functioning. Sometimes in the war I wage with my own health and body I can get somewhat down and a little disheartened when I think back on what my medical background has "predicted". The words of my doctors and allergists still haunt me and ring in my ears at times when I get so insanely sick, as I have been this past week. We finally resorted to an IV last night. The predictions of dr's and allergists proclaiming that my allergies, being so severe, would force me to carry an epi pen at all times and that by the age of 26 when my immunity level hit it's height of protection I would then begin the fall downhill. Eventually by the age of 30, predictions stated, I would be hospitalized 6 months out of the year. My life would supposedly consists of ongoing trips in and out of hospital doors. At the time I cried. I cried for days after the initial "prediction". And then, somewhere in there, after feeling so powerless I finally had a change of heart, mind and soul. I have been created by the Almighty Healer and the Great Physician. I was not called to live a life succumbing to sickness and fear...or giving in to the fear that my sickness created. I firmly believe in the power of words and praying the Bible.....not just praying for the "I wants" and "pleases". There are too many Scriptures directly related to God's Almighty Power and His perfect ability to heal. To ignore and succumb to a life ravaged by sickness, fatigue and spoken words of ill health and defeat would be to deny His miraculous ability to work within me. After devouring Charles Capps' writings over the last few months I have come to understand what I have felt for so very long and been proclaiming in my life but that I could never really shape into words. If you have not ever read his little tiny, tiny books you have truly missed out on some of the very best, most empowering, most moving knowledge written by a Christian. Years ago I began to speak what I believed to be the truth for me.......just as I began to speak what I believed the truth and will to be after Garrison's "diagnosis" of asthma. In Charles Capps' very first book of God's Creative Power he says,

"Faith filled words will put you over. Fear filled words will defeat you. Words are the most powerful thing in the universe. Spoken words program your spirit (heart) either to success or defeat. Words are containers. They carry faith, or fear, and they produce after their kind."

"Confess victory in the face of defeat. Confess abundance in the face of apparent lack."

And the most convicting and that held the most revelation for me was what God revealed to him and the message He wanted Charles to proclaim in his teachings,

"I have told my people they can HAVE WHAT THEY SAY, but they are SAYING WHAT THEY HAVE."



He speaks of the importance of actually praying the Bible. A point that many books on prayer make. He then goes into how to pray the Bible and what a faith filled life truly looks like and how it is modeled. There are so many people, so very many Christians, that I personally know that walk around muttering exactly this and only confirming this last point to be very true. People speak so very much crap on themselves. After I read and began taking note it was almost an instant awareness of what people are speaking both on themselves and others. But what one continues to repeat over and again comes to pass because this is what they have come to believe in their heart. And as my awareness grew I came to notice this point very directly applies to money and health. There is a sickness and poverty mentality that seems to hold the world in a death grip. And Satan could not be happier since He has God's people exactly where He wants them......incapable of completely living in God's wholeness and truly functioning 100% in HIS Spirit........in issues of finances, health, childbirth, job situations, in a ton of stuff. I've noticed greatly that some people even take pride in these issues. There is a pride that goes along with having a sickness.....it becomes an escape route, another way to have attention focused on themselves or even a way to avoid what they fear the most...whatever that might be. Possibly the fear of responsibility that having money brings, the fear of the responsibility of getting weight off, the fear of pain, the fear of failure, fearing the lack of attention if they are totally well with no special needs. Sometimes it's even a fear of facing the true innerself, I believe. Health, a poverty mentality and so many other issues become a way to hide away from what one fears or just has no desire to deal with.

Along this road I have noticed that once that mentality grabs hold of someone it is very hard to let go. A habit has been imparted of speaking defeat upon themselves and making excuses for what they never in a lifetime will probably ever accomplish....just due to the sheer fact of not taking the power they have in the very name of Jesus Christ, the Christ they proclaim to know, to accomplish it. They stop short of all the wholeness He gave when He gave His very own life on the cross so that we could be saved and perfected in Him......so that we could be continually refined to mirror His image as a testimony for others here in our time on earth.

So, I found that when I continually am telling myself how sick I am and believing what mortal dr's have "diagnosed" I am choosing to continue on in my average Christian life...forsaking the incomprehensible power that I have been given as a Spirit filled, believing Christian to speak out and take hold of my healing through the blood of Jesus Christ. So does that mean I will never get sick another day in my life? Obviously, no. But it does mean that when it does occur I have the faith filled power to speak out against it and take control over it with the power I have been given in the name of Jesus. And if one day I just spontaneously die due to an allergic reaction so severe that my throat does close up too soon, then that is the day I was supposed to be welcomed into heaven.....but all the days before that were lived in the wholeness of a faith filled life. Each day before that was at least enjoyed and not living out the defeat of a sickness that never let me experience life. I lived and spoke out to it and broke the chains of the potentially crippling capacities it could've forced upon my mind and body had I let it.

So, as much as I believe these deep heart truths I still find it hard sometimes to fight the inner struggle as dr's predictions toss about like tumultuous waves in my mind. So, I speak out to the storm and say, "Peace, be still." I refuse to speak or even live like I am sick. Is it denial? No, I don't think so. I believe it is living in the very faith that my healing has already taken place in the blood that dripped from the cross where He gave His life so that I could live in the fullness of Him, both in heaven and on earth. Do I get sick alot? Yep, I do. But do I have the faith to overcome and the faith to take control of it. Yep, I do. I speak to my sickness in the name of Jesus. I speak to my overall health in the name of Jesus. I speak because I have the power to take control of it in the name of Jesus.

And, you know, as stupid as this sounds it made an incredible lasting impression of a lesson for me. But oneday a few days after Flop was brutally killed by Tigger I grew weary of waiting for Brad to switch the animals' pastures. I stayed a nervous wreck. So, being one to take the bull by the horns and get the job done I rounded up the children and set to work. I don't think I ever got around to blogging this. It would've been worth it all though. But, I dewormed the 3 remaining goats and then Grayson and I spent a good hour roping them and beginning the pasture switching process. Visions of Fletch running though town floated fearfully through my head. If the thought hadn't been so scary it would've been funny. Brad was on shift so I hadn't quite come up with a "round up" plan if he were to take off once again, running wildly around visiting every neighbor and eluding all attempts of capture. So, after setting him loose into the ungated middle pasture we worked on getting him into his original pasture up by the dogs. Yes, I know. Where is this going and how in the world did I even end up on this bound-for-nowhere story? I'm still getting there.

So, being quite the smart donkey that he is, he knew exactly that he was free and started bucking wildly. That wild, cantankerous, evil eyed donkey look filled his eyes. The look that says he is free and is taking off. At that point my heart and head began to pound at different intervals and it began to feel as if I was out of control of both my own body and this stupid huge animal. To say he was rowdy is not even beginning to come close to what he was portraying himself to be out there in that pasture. And to know that it is was just me up against a stubborn donkey that possesses a mind already made up.........a mind that knew he was headed east to greener grass..........was alarmingly frightful. So, suddenly the Lord began to speak and He made me painfully aware of the fear that held me captive and bound me from even taking control of the situation. The words rang through my ears that I have indeed been given dominion over all the animals of God's creation and I have the power to speak to them. If God can speak out His perfected faith and give us the power to use His creative power and He directly tells us we have dominion over the animals than surely I have the ability to take control over the situation that presented itself before me. So, I yelled at Fletch laughing stupidly and trembling nervously in my incapacitating fear, "Fletch, in the name of Jesus you get in that pasture!!!!!!! YOU are a mere animal and I am a child of God Almighty and in Genesis the Bible states clearly that I have dominion over you. So, Fletch in the name of Jesus Christ get your butt into that pasture!!!!! I proclaim it. I speak it. I believe it. I walk in faith. I walk in faith. I do not walk in fear for fear hinders and inhibits me from becoming everything I can be as a child of God. In Him there is no fear. In Him there is victory. Fletch, I am greater than you through the power that God has given me as belonging to Him. So, go now!!!! Go into that pasture that is your home! In the name of Jesus I speak to you, Fletch, GO!"

The more I spoke it the more my faith began to take hold and the more courage I had. By the end of it I was quite loud and proclaiming with far more certainty than with which I began with in my newfound, growing faith. But the more I spoke the more faith I had and the louder I became in my passion and excitement. And..............

To my utter delight and amazement he began to trot and then he began to run and he ran directly into the pasture and the gate was closed. The same pasture we had been standing out there trying to get him in for an entire hour and a half. When I first started speaking to him Grayson looked at me like I had completely gone insane and should probably be admitted to an asylum as soon as this ordeal was over. But as he watched he was able to see and he stood in awe after it was over. It was a turning point for both of us in the power of our words and the power that we are given in our words. By being children of a loving God that still very much is alive we have power given through the name of Jesus.....and by a living breathing God that still cares so deeply for us that He gives us permission to use His name. A name that still brings about results, a name that brings about victories.

But I have taken that lesson with me and He has since used it to apply it to so very many different areas of my life. He has made me painfully aware of my words. My words concerning our finances, my body, the children, my health, our future. Having never been one to focus on ill health and think it is too often used as a crutch for some I just refrained from ever speaking of it at all. But since then I have realized that to not ever acknowledge it does no good either and is a mere source of living in denial. So, I began to speak to it. To not only acknowledge it but to take dominion over it as well. Because I do believe.

And where do things like Copeland's death, cancer, leukemia and every other fatal and nonfatal disease fit into this? I'm not sure. I'm still learning. I do know that His will comes before all else. And the Bible states clearly that there is a season, a time, for everything. "A time to die." And I do know that in order to accomplish His purpose and His work people...and children.....do perish in their unhealed sickness. But if it accomplishes His greater purpose in the Kingdom than they have accomplished their purpose. I think He created them as ambassadors and modern day missionaries.....even though the packages may be some of the tiniest ones.

As always, I'm still traveling down this road trying to mud my way through it and make sense of it. It always seems to come out so muddled and twisted up that I probably would be better off not to attempt deep thoughts. I figure deep thoughts need to stay with the theologians. But, how can I refrain from something so life changing? Something that has been so deeply so revealed to me in these last few years?

So, I sit. I do not sit in fear but in utter childlike faith that this will all someday make sense to me. I sit with the faith that I will come to embrace an even greater walk of faith and one that stretches even the limits of a mortal man's boundaries. A faith so strong that I could build an ark when I've never seen rain. A faith that if God told us to give away every earthly possession, including our house, that we could walk in obedience knowing He would provide for every need we would have...not only provide but exceedingly, abundantly provide because we have walked in obedience to His word.

Small Town Conflict

(Once again, since we have no new pictures available to put on here, I decided to go back about a year ago and put in some of my favorite pics. I figured it'd be fun to do a black and white theme of some of my favorite ones. How children grow in just 1 year!)

I suppose it is inevitable. Sad but inevitable. And I suppose too I've never in my life been good with conflict, not to even mention coming close to being good at confrontation. And my, how we have already had our fair share of it in the short 14 months that we have been here. This whole living in a small town thing is still rather new to me. It's such a romantic idea but there is a huge dose of reality that is served up when you actually go through with such a romantic notion. Brad says he loves the romantic dreamy side of me. I just laugh and tell him I didn't know one existed. But at times like these I am convinced that side of me exists somewhere within myself when having to deal with the realities of small town life. For the most part I dearly love it. It is days like yesterday as I just laid on the couch...still sick.....gazing out the open windows and feeling the perfect gentle breeze kiss my skin. Watching the tall pasture grasses dance gracefully in rhythm to the swaying trees and floating clouds, all like an expertly choreographed dance in perfect motion. Migrating birds graced the autumn sky and the far off tinkle of children's laughter jumping happily together on the trampoline sung in harmony with each other. Fletch's bray and the goats' cries eagerly called for the children while dogs played and barked and jumped on the trampoline too......they all painted a very real live picture of perfection. A picture of utter contentment in my soul. It is this that I love. It is this part of our lives that I do not ever want to change.

But, the other side of small town, dusty life, is having to live with the people that have such major offenses with you. And thinking of dusty.....Brad and I watched a show the other night on the human body and did you know that 80% of the dust in your house is made up of human skin cells????? Can I puke yet? So, since we have 250% more children than the average household has, does that mean we have 250% more dust....250% more dead skin cells? And I came by the whole 250% thing by figuring if the average home has 2 children and we have 7 than 3 children is already 50% more and 4 is 100% more and so on. So, I have a feeling that is really not quite right and way too simple for me to have figured out, so obviously math is not a strong point of mine. So, just skip that part if it proves to be too irritating for you. It sounds better just to say we have 87% more kids than the normal family. And that number was just picked randomly but it already sounds better and more mathematically inclined. So, anyway, whether it be 250% or 87% we still have that much more "dust" in our house. That's just way nasty.

Anyway, so back to the main point of life in a dusty little town. Gives a whole new meaning to "dusty" town though. We've already had several issues with people having issues with us. The whole school thing. To this day no one understands why we do things the way we do or why we chose to take them out of school, a place that is considered before church and God around here. This town lives and breathes the school. It's what keeps this town motivated. The church is dead, the county is dead, the people are dead...until you talk about the school. And then everyone is into it for the children. It is their passion....to a detriment. And even their passion they are ruining due to the inability to run it without conflict or keep it a place worthy of continuing attendance. So, the school doesn't understand us in the least and we are the farthest thing from anything they have ever seen before. They've never seen a large family and never even remotely seen one that would willingly homeschool all 7 and actually love every minute of it...........well, most minutes of it.

And then the church. The little poor church has major issues. And then they have issues with us due to the fact that I longed to go where there is life and life abundantly. I want my children to have what Brad and I had growing up. Freedom to praise, worship, dance, raise your hands in worship, thanks and awe. The girls, upon hearing that when I was little I danced in church, begged us to move back so that they could go to that church and dance for God too. It made my heart so sad over what they are missing in our efforts of trying to people please in this town. So, I began to pray and we were led to a completely wonderfully Spirit filled little church 50 miles from here. And, of all things.....we dance, we sing, we praise, we worship. We no longer sit on a hard wooden pew and drone out in monotone lethargy "I Love To Tell The Story". Granted, I love that old hymn but I was beginning to have some issues with it by the end of my church going days across the street in our little town church. But, now they have issues with us. And they by no means understand or are even capable of comprehending why we left. When I finally quit trying to hide it and quit trying to not hurt their feelings but was growing increasingly tired of the scrutiny and stabbing comments I finally just came out and told them we left to go to a church that dances. I just began to tell them that Brad and I were raised in a place that worships and praises differently and we wanted our children to have that. And when I began to tell them the truth they looked at me like I'd told them we were now attending church at the local bar. But I love watching my girls in their summery white dresses and barefeet twirl and turn and laugh and glide across the floor as they praise, completely lost in abandonment to a God they are completely in love with....a Lord that they are allowed to know on a much deeper level than sitting on a church pew coughing out in whispered hushes a long ago hymn. I truly hold hymns closely and dearly to my heart and I find it so very important for the children to know them as well. When hearing Selah sing them it brings them more to life than any church I have ever heard. And if we were to sing with that same passion it might be different. But as it is, it is quite morbid and depressing in it's half dead...or all dead....state. I love watching Grayson jump and bounce and showing Garrison and Grant how to enter the gates of heaven with praise. I love what we have been given in our little tiny church that we now attend. But, as all things go, upon leaving our little town church feelings were hurt, tongues wagged and rumors were spread.

So, in all of the accusations and rumors that have gone around about our "strange" habits we have also had issues with the kind of friends the children keep. So, more boundaries were established on our part. After Grayson taking up with the PE teacher's 8 year old boy it didn't take long to find that his behavior was far from ideal..to put it incredibly mildly. We had to deal with issues of the little boy looking up Evye's skirts, spying on her while dressing, torturing she and Aubrey to near death, picking on Garrison and Grant and just sheerly antagonizing them and then, of all things, which seemed to be the mother of all wrong doings, he called Evye to him one afternoon and told her to look as closely at the ground as she could. With eyes almost touching the ground in an effort to see the nothingness he pointed at he fired Grayson's gun, minus the bullets but with all of the air from the cartridge, and it quickly blew dirt and rocks into her eyes. After that incident we decided to take a break from him for awhile and maybe see if he'd change over time.

So, his second chance rolled around and we were at it again. Still lots of little issues here and there but nothing really blatant enough to justify saying he could never come over again. He even spent a night and Grayson a night with him and they became quite close. During this time Grayson's behavior was not optimal, to say the least. And finally, this last time, we were all in the Suburban together and he outrageously farted and proudly boasted to Grayson about his achievements. When everyone was suffocating and quite ready to puke he suddenly figured out it wasn't nearly the funny prank he thought it was going to be and refused to tell the truth and fess up that he had done it and willingly let Grayson take the blame. And I knew going into it it wasn't Grayson's doings. (Here's another "you know you're a parent when" moment....... And this is not one I am even remotely proud nor did I ever really plan on ever having this invaluable knowledge as a parent. But when you actually know the smell of your own kids' farts and can tell the difference between one of your own kids' and one of their friends'. Completely and totally useless, disgusting information...but true.) Later that same trip and after many more rowdy unwilling-to-mind episodes I caught him telling Evye and Aubrey to kiss each other. When they refused to follow him he then proceeded to try and talk Evye into it and then tried even harder to coerce her into "kissing her long". That did it for me. That was the end.

So, we dropped his butt back off at his house. After that Grayson was banned from playing with him. I honestly thought we wouldn't have much to worry about since they are in SA 6 days out of the week after school for sports. He's only come once to ask to play and then recently he saw Grayson going to play with another friend. He asked Grayson why he was able to play with the other but not himself. Grayson didn't know quite what to say so he just said he wasn't allowed...which was fine. So, last night his PE teaching mother stopped Grayson on his bike as he was on his way home and actually lit into him. She told him that he never takes the blame for anything and upon asking Grayson why he was no longer able to play with him and Grayson answering about the whole looking up skirts issues she laughed and said he in no way does that and in effect called Grayson a liar to his face. Grayson didn't have a clue what to say since he has been taught the utmost respect for authority and to never talk back. She then proceeded to tell Grayson he is not a good friend and continued on for awhile in her endeavors of taking action on a child that is far from her's. Obviously she now issues with us and the way we choose to deal with things in our family. But, we have house rules and those that do not abide do not play here.

It outraged me at first. Then it scared me that she might actually come pay us a visit. Then it just saddened me that we have to live with these people and see them everyday when there are such major offenses with us. I thought of talking to them in an effort to live peaceably with our neighbors but, based on the fact she would accept nothing Grayson said and when being told that we had set the rules no longer allowing him to play with her son and the fact she would hear nothing of it, tells me that we are setting ourselves up for a huge attack of our moral values and an onslaught of awful defense attacks on their part. So, after discussing it with Brad, we decided it is much better to raise our children with values and a love for each other where they are taught to defend their siblings and stand up for them rather than to sacrifice our children in an effort to make the people in this town happy with us. And so here we sit yet again with people in this place filled with disdain for us and no ability to even remotely understand what we are doing in our family or the boundaries we have set.

Here we are struggling to raise our children exceptionally in an unexceptional, way too average world. The warfare against one's integrity when trying to walking out the calling God has placed on your life is sometimes overwhelming. But I can truly say at this point after going through this numerous times now that God is using it to strengthen my skills and ability to deal with less than ideal situations. Maybe due to my past.....maybe due to just being way too sensitive...maybe just due to being the type of person I am....but I have never received criticism well or any type of situation where people think badly of me. I am certain that God, in all of His perfect infinite wisdom, so completely created Brad and I for each other. We truly are each other's halves. I am his strength in his weaknesses and he is the vessel God pours through as I muddle through my weaknesses. He is my absolute strength. In the 8 years we have been married I have grown in so many ways. I have grown confidence that I have forever lacked. I have become less self focused and strayed away from my self centered shyness. He has shown me what it is to address people and confront them....from family members all the way to removed friends that do not respect boundaries. And in doing so I have been given vast amounts of grace and mercy to endure the criticism and attacks that follow. I have been given the kindness to continue living with those people in my world and a grace to refrain from becoming bitter and overcome by what some would think after having been "chewed up and spit out" by the world. There is so much bitterness and so many hard hearts in my family. And somehow through Brad and through these life lessons I was mercifully given a tenderness and heart to continue loving the person but abhorring what they do. And I feel an overwhelming tenderness for what it is they fail to see. Sometimes I just think, if only they could just see the bigger picture. And I have been given a new understanding for who exactly I am as a person in Jesus Christ that represents Him in every way. I have been given a confidence that I have forever lacked in my need for approval. In all of my neediness in dealing with my low self esteem the Lord gave me the gift of Brad. A gift He has used over and again to teach me His ways and show me what I am to Him and how to deal with situations I would never in my life have ever taken on had it not been for what I have in Brad.

So, even in dealing with all of our small town conflict and people's opinions I can honestly say I am truly growing through it all. It's still very hard to know that the entire town has hushed, whispered issues with us but as I sit, holed up in my homey little house with my crew of beautiful children, I get excited about who we are raising in them and what kind of adults they will be. It just makes it all worth it in the end. It makes any sort of disdain and all rumors seem so worthwhile. I don't want to be average like what I see in this town. I don't want any of my children.....my sweet, beautiful, impressionistic children....to be just average....half-hearted in everything they do. I want them to powerpacked and full of passion and whatever it is they do in life to do it with their entire heart.....despite what they see in the average unruly kids that surround them. And maybe our convictions, despite the criticism received due to them, will set the example they need in life to put their uttermost heart and soul into what it is they do and to ignore the voice of the world in pursuit of God's greatest calling on their lives.