Moving Forward

I have little time and no patience to space these pics throughout the post. So, all clumped together is our life in pictures right now and other entirely boring unemotional updates below it of our life in transition. But, we're managing to have a ton of fun in the midst of it all. Thankfully, husband has worked his last days at both jobs and together as a team we are able to accomplish much more than I can do on my own at this point. Even job delegation for children takes thought and organization that is much better done when he is home. We make a pretty good team and with him home even the most overwhelming tasks become fun. He keeps me laughing and life stays light despite packing, selling, donating, setting appointments, being on time for appts, traveling to see friends and family, moving arrangements, phone calls, emails, and so forth. And.....he cooks dinner.

Taking a break from packing. With the cooler weather they have lived outside.

Bald boy that made the milestone of 1st haircut.....sort of. You can't exactly tell but of the long stray mohawk hairs 1/4 inch was cut. It's not exactly a haircut but since his twin got tons of hair cut from his head he had to join the milestone in life too.

Little military cut red head now. I didn't think to get before pictures. But 3 inches came off of his hair. Since I saw fit to throw away every guard above a 1/2 inch since we only use 1/8 to the 1/4 on the bigger boys and the 1/2 on Gavin's I was tired of all the others taking up space. Soooo....Graham's hair ended up a little shorter than anticipated since I mistakenly thought 1/2 was not so short. But, he's looking like a clean cut little boy now.

In line for his haircut....which he desperately needed. He's looking a bit elfish. Between 7 boys and a stringy haired little girl it took the entire morning to go through them all. One of the many reasons blogging has become sporadic, at best.

That would be a newborn hat on his head

Half way through the donation clothes

Trying to stay organized about it. As of yesterday the entire playroom has been emptied and everything is out. When there was nothing left for husband to help with he'd serenade me on his bass while I worked on. Just the sheer presence of his company and moral support was enough to boost spirits in the midst of claustrophobic chaos.

My clothes sorting buddy....dirty though she may be.

making progress....though you can't tell by the state of the kitchen cabinet or the table behind it. Life is kinda messy right now. Children stay pretty filthy and tend to live in mismatched clothes...but at least their hair's cut and they're having fun! House tends to look like this much of the time but at least dishes and laundry stay done...for the most part.

helping each other

I fear I've become a very boring blogger throughout this move. The to do lists consume my days. But over a period of 7 days I have been able to sort through a retail size store of disorganized clothes harbored in the attic. The overwhelming project resulted in 18 boxes of boxed clothes to move and 22 boxes of clothes to donate. I ended up dumping all donation items in trash bags since trash bags proved to hold twice as much as boxes do. Husband hauled off bouncers, stroller, swings and 11 trash bags of clothes to the women's shelter this morning. I have never felt such exhilaration at watching stuff leave and knowing where its headed. With his help and lots of working kids we have emptied our 600 sq ft attic and 600 sq ft playroom below. So far we have a total of 40 boxes, including clothes, that will be filling the trailer of the semi. I figure that's pretty good for a family of 12. With the completion of those two spaces packing is pretty much done. We have half of the kitchen, 1 bathroom, and the everybody closet remaining, all of which will be tackled today.

We spent the weekend out of town saying good bye to his family in west Texas. Lots of tears as grandparents kissed children for the last time until baby comes in March.

Lots of milestones hit in the midst of it all. Both babies are walking now and both had their first big haircut....or as big as it gets for the white blond, barely any hair Gatlin. The 14 week milestone was hit with this pregnancy and 2nd trimester has begun....always a good thing in every way. Marriage flourishes, energy increases, and I feel good enough to actually be productive at something. Shift husband worked his last day as a firefighter/paramedic for the city this past Saturday. Bittersweet in every way.

As I stated, this is entirely boring and there's so much more emotion that plays a part into every aspect of life right now. But, the clock is a little merciless and continues to tick whether I'm at the computer or actually doing something productive. Even this will be cut short by the fact children and I are leaving in half an hour to drop Evye off for the day with her horse family. She'll be participating in a rodeo playday this Saturday so she prepares to ride.

I miss writing. I miss logging the details of all of this. Children stay happy and we are proving to be quite efficient at this as everyone pitches in to help. Maybe more with a bit more emotion about life as time allows....someday.

When It Proves a Bit Challenging

Visiting Nanny and Pawpaw. The children's 1st visit since her stroke and being put in the nursing home.

Happy 11th birthday Evye!!

West Texas rain

When the river runs again. It lasted 3 days and is already dry again.

welcome rain

I'm a little overwhelmed at the current moment. Many many people to see as we make the rounds between friends and family and still try to maintain productivity and getting daily responsibilities done, such as just the simple task of keeping up laundry and dishes, bathrooms and floors cleaned, and then the packing aspect as we try to stay organized about it but tackle it all. Between birthday celebrations of 5 of us we've been able to travel and see quite a bit of family. The homeschooling families we've developed close friendships with here blessed us with a potluck lunch park day so children were able to see and play with friends one last time....and there was no preparation work on my end, which was huge. I'm a little scattered at this point and it becomes painfully apparent in the details of life and the lack of a schedule we seem to have right now as we work through daylight hours, eat dinner at 8:30 or 9 and have kids in bed at 10. We had been on a strict 6:30 dinnertime with 8 bedtime. The current longer hours accomplish great things but leave one a bit exhausted....or alot exhausted...as husband continues shifts and water dept work while we try to pack and move amidst it all. Admittedly, the entire house is packed with the exception of the kitchen, the everybody closet, and our bathroom. Now to tackle the clothes. Yes, the clothes. So, I breathe deep, I peel kids from the rafters, I unattach them from the ceiling fans, I thwart their leaps from the dining table, I dig marbles out of the toilet, bathe babies by two's that have pulled entire bowls of oatmeal from said table and hand fed themselves, and I push forward assigning task to keep little hands from destroying the little left that is not boxed.

learning to walk in the midst of packing

Along those lines...you know it can't be a very good day when you wake up to your 6 year old running in at 7:16 in the morning excitedly reporting that the deputy sheriff is on your back porch. Many little early birds had already greeted our early morning visitor. With an adrenaline dump unrivaled I fly out of bed and ask why the good deputy is here. Excited 6 year old runs back towards door yelling as he goes..."I promise, mom!! I didn't call 911 this time!! I don't know why he's here." Throwing on t-shirt and jeans and fingering unruly hair into a ponytail I go out to cheerily meet our 7 am guest. With tons of pajama clad little boys at my side the deputy kindly informs us that our horses are happily grazing at the city park....which is really just a bunch of dead grass with a picnic table and a few 40 year old wannabe playground equipment pieces. Due to failing to triple latch the pasture gate the bigger of our two equines had opened it and freed the now grazing duo. So, I spent my morning chasing and cussing out horses for 2 hours. As we all heated up with the morning sun and the 100 degree temps I was a little flustered. Once I finished my jumping up and down in middle of the road tantrum...and yes, I really did that....things seemed to improve as I gained some composure and came up with a plan. It's amazing what a little patience will buy you. Our 11 year old horse whisperer was able to coax her horse into a halter...after 2 entire hours of chasing horses. I don't think I've ever been more grateful for a 13 year old that can ride no less than 15 miles on a bike at illegal speeds and expertly drive a truck and round up horses with the best of them. However, I will happily report that I ran a mile and a half that morning and was not nearly as close to death as I thought I'd be after taking a 13 week running break due to extreme morning sickness. That boosted spirits a little. With horse now in halter, second one followed behind submissively and 2 hours after being awakened by the good deputy we had horses pastured again.

Packing party

That was the only beginning of what seems to be a typical day as we try to pack and move and accomplish daily life as well. After finishing that morning rodeo I returned home to get babies from bed only to discover that 10 month old redhead had unvelcroed diaper and been quite adept at smearing poop from one end of crib to the other...along with fingerpainting walls and scrubbing his head and his twin with it. Heaven forbid you leave your twin buddy out of the crap play. I dutifully cleaned them both up...along with the crib, the walls and everything else that seemed to be a poop magnet and continued on to the breakfast routine of babies since older kids had fed younger while I scrubbed walls. Ivye seemed a bit content to sharpie marker our mattress and comforter up amidst the chaos of it all. That part of the day didn't even begin to get to me since those will be trashed in 3 weeks anyway. However, while she was busy sharpieing up and decorating within the home little boys were out squeezing green goo inner tube gel all over the carport along with anything that had a flat surface...or didn't have a flat surface....outside.

Everybody helping

While these days come few and far between I will say that this aspect of moving has been a bit challenging. And while the temps outside are still rising well above 100 it leaves little where to go for rowdy, on the move little boys that are severely out of a routine. So, I assign dish duty, drying duty, put up duty, sorting clothes duty and so forth. And while that all sounds good in theory, as anything goes with 4 rowdy boys all 6 and under and a 2 year old that tags along in all the fun, dish duty starts indoor water wars, laundry duty starts rolling in the floor giggles as clothes are thrown from one side of the room to the other as they "parachute" with them from the bed, baseball games start as cups are pitched from one to the other as they bat their "baseballs" with dishtowels. With so much routine and structure usually in the house the wild and crazies of moving are proving to be challenging.

More helpers

Deputy day proved to go on and include an entire bag of fruit loops lovingly emptied on the floor by 2 babies, a glass jar of jelly dropped by 6 year and 5 year olds attempting to make an afternoon snack and then a ton of little kids that saw fit to "swim" in the dogs water trough and then throw mudballs at anything with a wall. Needless to say....that day was a little rough....and unproductive.

Overall, we have a pretty good grip.....with pretty good being entirely relative. Children are entirely excited so the energy of it all overflows into every aspect of life. Older ones are starting to struggle a little as departure day nears and they realize the depth of leaving friends and family. In the midst of it all 10 month old babies are cutting numerous amounts of teeth and Gatlin is now walking everywhere. Crawling is now a thing of the past as he falls and picks himself right back up to continue onward. Graham is a little more obsessed with getting to the action as fast as humanly possible and, though he can walk fairly well, prefers to crawl at illegal speeds to reach his destination faster. Gatlin is entirely more concerned about the amount of food that can be stuffed into mouth as he moves and has figured out that walking frees up two hands in order to hold and shove food and progress at the same time. So, he walks like a pro while Graham prefers the faster method of crawling.

And so we press forward making memories, hearing children laugh contagiously, traveling to see family while we can, visiting with friends, hosting out of town family, packing and trying to maintain some form of structure and order as we try to conquer this phase of life and the overwhelming aspect of moving 1500 miles away from security and comfort to conquer the unknown. And know that in my absence on here I am packing, cleaning, boxing, sorting, chasing livestock, rescuing cats and kids from roof with a 20 ft ladder and, in general, attempting to be productive and make the best use of my time.

You Move Me

The Garth Brooks song has rung in my head for days now. I finally listened to it and then, with interest peaked, looked up the lyrics since I only ever remember about half of them. Hummed to my husband many times throughout our marriage I saw with new eyes that this song also could greatly apply to the works God has done in the last few weeks of our life. Though I'm quite certain Garth never quite anticipated this being a testimonial song of God's goodness it, never the less, works pretty well at telling our story. The Lord is good and His mercies endure forever. There is not one aspect of this move that has been forsaken by Him. This was a giant leap of faith on our part. We took the first step praying all the while that if this was not what was supposed to be it would be known and doors would be shut. Our hearts are open, and remain open, and we continue to see the modern day miracles one would never in a lifetime see if we had not stepped out. We could've stayed in our comfort zone. Nothing is technically wrong with the life we live. We are happy and fairly comfortable. We have 3 acres, 2 horses, 4 dogs, too many cats, we've done the chicken thing. We are rural, tucked away in a tiny town where all of life is slow. Our children play freely, climb trees, dig holes, shoot guns, know every person by name in this town of our's. We have a little 1800 sq ft 3 bedroom, 3 bathroom house with a 600 sq ft playroom that is deeply loved and lived in and accommodates us well. Bills are being met and when something as major such as the van comes up the Lord has been entirely faithful to meet the need and provide, despite my sometimes less than optimal attitude. We are close to friends and family that are desperately in love with our children, who support us and whom we dearly love. Life is pretty good....pretty comfortable. But there is more to life and our hearts remain open.




Throughout the course of the last year we have watched the Lord, unknowingly to us, tidily bring this place in our life to a close. Little details of our lives no one else would know but the two of us. 6 weeks ago as we lay in bed all was quiet for awhile. He'd come off shift that morning frustrated yet again with fire department policies, their lack of educating their men, their total apathy for their guys. Part time turned full time for part time pay water department job held just as many frustrations, if not more, weighed heavy on his mind. City council meeting over with no resolve there, we lay in the quiet. Finally with head on his chest and his hand woven through my hair he asked in the street lamp light "What would it be for us to just pick up and move to North Carolina now?" I answered laughingly, "Crazy." Dreams for us forever put on hold by life. Never a good time, always waiting for something else, little debt still left waiting to be paid off, waiting til he's vested, waiting til the housing market is better, waiting til we can buy there...waiting, waiting. Somewhere along the way we both have realized it's never a good time in life. there's always something....and too much caution...to ever pursue a dream. In a few weeks time a crazy idea took shape and we began to pursue to see where the road led. What if he were to give up the fire profession completely since moving meant starting over as a rookie at rock bottom pay since there are no lateral moves in his profession. What if we just started over in life...where we want to be, doing what we want to do, living where we want to live. A dream in the making, finally making it happen.Sheer craziness....pregnant, 10 children in tow, giving up the only profession he has ever known to pursue life and a dream 1500 miles away. We can't buy a house, he has no job lined up, we'd have to get rid of everything and go as light as possible, being willing to live in 1100 sq ft for an indefinite amount of time. Total sacrifice of good here to eventually experience the dream there.





So, we began to knock and doors began to be thrown open. And we quietly planned....and dreamed. We began to shed our material things to make the move as light and easy as possible. We are working on a shoe string budget and every little thing counts. We'd already downsized substantially throughout the previous months but we began to re-evaluate all of life. The only thing truly important is being with each other and our children. And I began to see that we could move with a suitcase if we needed to because we're just starting over. George Mueller and his wife sold it all and moved in a suitcase. It is possible. There is nothing so important that it keeps you from being where you need to be or pursuing a life that lies beyond.



Animals and renting a house became my biggest concern. It is unrealistic to approach a potential landlord and say, "Hello. We have 10 kids, 1 on the way, 4 dogs over 80 lbs, 2 horses and we'd like to rent your house." And finding a rental property with horse facilities became increasingly difficult yet the expense of boarding them was not even possible for us without even having a definite job lined up yet. With many tears it was decided horses had to go, along with two dogs and all of the cats. Since our animals are like family this decision was not taken lightly and many tears were shed over this on everyone's behalf. So, with this we began to pray that the Lord knew even this aspect of our move and he had a home for each of them. "A righteous man cares for his animals". So if this is true how much greater the Lord cares for them. Children gathered around each morning as we prayed and the specifics of finding them another large homeschooling family with a very large yard that would love them as much as we do became their prayer. Evye's horse trainer and her family agreed to take our horses. This was huge, as many of the horses in our area are going to auction and eventually being soaped due to the drought and no one being able to afford to keep large animals for pleasure. It is a common well known fact of life here but no less disturbing on our part. Arrangements were made for cats to stay here and be cared for by new tenants, as the cats keep the snake and mice population down and are quite the outside pets. But it proved to be very difficult to find a home for two dogs, one standing at 80 lbs and the other at 100+. Several promising leads were given that went nowhere but we knew that the Lord is faithful and He does indeed care about this major part of the move. Emotions ran high on everyone's part, but the children continued to pray. And just two days ago we received word that a family we have known for quite some time in MO is already desperately in love with our canine duo and wants them both. They will stay together, they will be in a family with children around the ages of our's and they will be loved on as much as they are loved on by our crew. He does not forget the details. He is, in fact, in the details. So, our course of travel has changed to encompass much more of the US. I am quite sure traveling 10 hours with an 80 lb and 110 lb dog, 10 kids and a semi is going to prove to be quite the comedy and it'll be quite the life experience.



He knows the desires of our hearts and He has answered. He has proved to be faithful in housing also...even in the midst of having to rent. Out of the many that were weeded through and we were willing to make work for awhile one eventually popped up. The want list consisted of a large fenced area. Since NC doesn't seem to believe in fences at all this turned into a major feat to locate a fenced yard. No carpet...an absolutely impossible thing to find in a rent house. Somewhere off the beaten path in a rural location but close enough to Raleigh it would be convenient. The house that came available has 1500 sq ft of living on top and 1500 sq ft of floored, heated and cooled basement below. Basement has no interior walls...just one huge open playspace such as our playroom now....except 2 1/2 times in size. The house is located in the county, on a rural road and sits on an entire fenced acre. We later discovered the landlord is a deputy sheriff living next door, they homeschool their 11 year old daughter and they have 2 German Shepherds and a horse. With fire and police in common he and fire husband hit it off and my hope grew. It was even later discovered that they have yet to order the new carpet to be installed and were willing to work with us if we committed to a long term agreement...such as a year or more....and were willing to put hard floors in. We had asked if they were willing to do cheap vinyl since it would be about the same expense as carpet. They have gone above and beyond and are putting in laminate woods floors throughout the entire house with no carpet. This was huge given the severe allergy factor we have playing into it and the fact that I will not stay obsessed wit the damage 10 children, mud, rain and snow are doing to new carpet. It can be swept, it can be mopped, and it can be cleaned after a meal and the life that takes place on the floor of a family with 10 kids and 2 dogs. And when finally informed of our family size they were a bit shocked but not opposed and the doors were opened. Every last one of my heart's desires....the ones I dared not even pray....were answered above and beyond anything I had ever imagined.



He has orchestrated every detail of our life just because we stepped out on a limb and took a leap of faith. We could've just stayed in our comfort zone and lived with the mediocrity of life. But we would've missed everything He has done in our life because of it and the miracles we have seen Him work. Our horses are deeply loved and very well cared for in their new home. Our dogs will be just as loved and played with in their new home. Our house here has been rented, our house there has been found through no shortage of a miracle. It will have no carpet, it has room to spread out and a place for the children to go so we're not tripping over each other on rainy or snowy days. It has a fence, it's on an acre. It's a humble little home that we can pretty up as we go as we plant flowers and cheer it up. It has NO carpet!!! It even has an old fenced in large dog area within the fenced acre that is perfect for a garden to keep deer, raccoon and varmints out and our dogs from digging it up. The 11 year old girl next door has a horse on their property so I'm hopeful that she and Evye will become good friends and it might lessen the ache of Evye's heart right now due to having had to give up Champ for awhile. God is indeed very very good and He is faithful. My heart doubts, I falter, I question and then I am absolutely completely humbled by His goodness. He is thorough and the children have been able to tangibly see how He has cared for us and for our animals in the details of life.



And so I sit crying once again at the mercies of a faithful God that does not forsake or abandon us. Not only does He not leave us but He loves us enough to care about my anal retentive self and no carpet, the severe allergies involved with carpet present, the fence for the two dogs we still have, the large yard for them and for our children, the rural location, and neighbors that happen to be our landlords with all of life in common. They are not only open to 10 children but quite intrigued and have not gone running.

I am so in love. I am desperately in love with my children and so proud of them. I know that what they have been willing to sacrifice to get there is being blessed and they will continue to be blessed as we pursue a life 1500 miles away from here. And oneday we will have a farm on 100 acres of rolling hills with horses Evye can train and barrel race, land for Grayson to trap and hunt on and taxidermy. We can raise our cattle and put the chickens on the 99th acre of the 100 we own....cause they sure as crap aren't going up by the house ever again in life. It rains and there'll be grass for them to graze. Colors of autumn that never grow old, springs that boast wild dogwoods, cherry trees and everything in color. Summers that grow wild berries and winters that send snow. 2 hours from the beach and 2 from the mountains. And an income that is not stifled by city council members that refuse to give raises and make insane choices concerning government decisions.



There is no one else in life I'd rather experience this with than Brad....dreaming together, loving me more than life itself, making the crazy insane possible together. Now all we need is a job to complete the whole thing. But I know without a doubt that if the Lord has been faithful to bring us this far He is not going to drop the ball now. And so we wait on a job....knowing that His plan is perfect, His timing never off. We embrace the journey of the unknown. Because life is just pretty boring otherwise. Embrace the edge. Dare to live on it. How much we would've missed had we stayed safe in the boat. Trailer is scheduled to arrive Friday Sept 23rd. we'll load and it'll pull out by semi on the 27th. We'll follow behind at 5 am on the 28th. 2 1/2 days on the road, giving dogs a new home, seeing sweet friends along the way. After touring OK, MO, IL, IN, KY, WV, VA and NC we'll arrive at our new home Oct 1st. And, yes. We really are buying a Bumper Dumper for this trip. We're not gonna survive without it.



Two years ago almost to this day all of life was falling apart and we struggled with everything we have ever known and been taught in life. Where was God? Who is He? Does He even exist? It is not until you have learned it yourself and seen Him work on your behalf...far beyond everything you have been taught in life....that you begin to see who He is and His presence is made real. 6 year old daughter violated in every way, failure in all of life. Failure as a parent....the most brutal, life altering thing one can ever experience. Something no one can even begin to fathom. Within only a month of such devastation, the loss of our 14 week pregnancy and 10 weeks later the birth of a tiny baby boy. How do you ever begin to live after that? Two years ago I couldn't even begin to imagine being here...now....at this place in life. Twin boys that grow after being told we'd never have even one more, a growing baby at this very moment that has grown past the 1st trimester and is within two weeks of passing the 14 week milestone. A little girl that is healthy and whole despite her ordeal and a move that is taking us 1500 miles away to a dream and a someday place in life. How could we have known? How could we fathom the healing and the wholeness of life that was yet to come? How amazing it is to be here now at this place in life. I'd never in a lifetime go back....but I wouldn't change it either.

Sleepless

6:19 am and I sit. I should shower....but it's quiet. And I can sit and think a bit in the quiet. Shower can come once children awake. 3:34 am and the body wakes, gears of the mind turning too rapidly to be lulled to sleep again. Husband sleeps soundly by my side so I lay quietly in the stillness, listening to the peaceful sounds of his breaths. Companionship, stability, best friend in life, making decisions together, working together to make it happen. Fearless, adventurer, the two of us in life doing what we feel at peace with for our own little family.



Opinions of our actions run deep, family doubting, as they have for years, the wisdom of our choices in life. But, it's the two of us and the 10 amazing people we have been given to raise. Together we know what we're at peace with and where our hearts are called. So, we leave the silent, judgemental opinions and naysayers behind and we do what we know is best for our family. We embrace and become ever more grateful for the encouragement of the family that does not judge. Despite their tears and heartwrenching sadness of seeing us go, there are those that continue to support us and encourage in every way. How overwhelmingly thankful I am for friends that wait for us, that see the vision with us, and are willing to help us get there. Friends that eagerly anticipate our arrival just as much as we anticipate getting there. Tears shed in leaving close family behind yet so much joy in going to friends that are family and embracing a new profession and new way of life. Bittersweet.



Change...it can be an overwhelming thing. I love where we are. Despite the drought, the heat, the dept that is increasingly difficult to reason with and a tiny town that hosts a population of bad attitudes.....the land itself is beautiful. Gentle rolling hills, sun hanging low in west bathing dry parched land in gentle golden hue. Herds of deer coming out to graze in the cooler 100 degree shade. Wheels of truck humming on lone Texas highway, flick of hand in passing truck to acknowledge all of life and the common bond of just living here.Wind blows, hair flies free and 13 year old talks once again of the sadness of leaving. Already missing the joy of knowing absolutely everyone in our tiny town, population 220. Lamenting the end of his fishing days as he and 6 year old brothers bike their way down the 2 miles to river and fish the afternoon away....bringing in 15 lbs worth of an afternoon's effort. Gun loving boy who has the freedom to hunt snakes and small varmints within rural city limits.

And for a moment, it all becomes so bittersweet. This place where three of our children took their very first breath, welcomed into their daddy's arms in this very room we sleep. I think of the memories made here as I watch boxes fill and stack. Excited children eagerly make process go twice as fast...yet slowing it down to what I am sure is twice as slow...therefore leaving one to question any real progress at all. I look out at Baby Gideon's tree, the one he lays quietly under, bought by oldest brother in an effort to bring healing to all of life, and yet again tears fall as I think about the reality of what we leave behind....knowing we cannot move forward without leaving a piece of our heart here. Despite drought and water rationing husband has continued faithfully to sneak water out to tree and it lives. New inhabitant of our home has promised to keep it watered just as the husband's and daddy's heart has faithfully cared for it until now.



So, I rise and I look to the future and not what we leave behind. There is risk to anything in life so we step out in faith and go where we feel we are being led. We make choices with which are hearts are at peace. Because ultimately in life, it's just us....Brad, me and our little army. It's not about making decisions that keep certain family members happy, it's not about living up to what they feel we should do with our lives. It's about us and where we will prosper and the doors that have been opened for the two of us and our children. We know that good things lie in wait ahead. Those that have the courage to step out and take the leap of faith are the ones that actually have the chance in life to experience those things that few others ever do...because so few possess the courage to do the extreme and leave all that they have ever known to search out more of life....to pursue the dream. For those that stay comfortable and secure in the boat...they never experience the miracle of walking on water. They don't see the seas parted and they limit themselves to the miracles of the Lord...because they don't possess the faith to get out of the comfort zone to experience more....or they wait and they wait and they wait until life has passed them by.



Sun rises....orange, pink and purple hues painting a new chapter in our lives. Two week notice being given today. Two more weeks of the only life husband and I have ever known...governed by a calendar printed in black, red, and green. Two more weeks of massive diesel rumbling, shiny white trucks that flash blinding lights. Two more weeks of him gone 33% of the time and absent 98% of all holidays...children piled in bed in his absence. Two more weeks of risking life ventilating compromised roofs while infernos rage beneath...two more weeks of cutting people out of cars while motorist don't even slow as these guys work for the worst pay in the state. Four weeks away from starting over in life, transitioning into a chapter, and a new state 1500 miles away from the only home we have ever known as we embrace the change. We will drive away from the parched lands, dying trees, wilting cactus and entire season of 100+ heat. I will be with my husband and children and that is all that matters. Together we pursue the dream. We lay aside the doubters and naysaying family members because we know that together....the 13 of us.....we can accomplish anything.

The Road Less Traveled - 1500 Miles East

In a huge turn of events in our lives we're moving 1,500 miles east to the great state of North Carolina. God has done amazing things and opened doors our family has only ever dreamed. We have been amazed by the huge outpouring of support and encouragement as we have taken this new direction in our lives. This is a massive undertaking for us as we leave all of our family and pioneer our way into new territory. We fell in love as we vacationed there two years ago, mountains and ocean, within easy reach. Opportunity abounds that does not exist where we are. Income is stifled and we have found it impossible to make any progress here. Our hearts long...they ache....for rain, ocean, mountains, fertile pastures, a better income, all 4 seasons, and relationships for both Brad and myself and all of our children. A move was on the someday list. I think we both just woke up oneday and realized how short life is. The children are only little for so long. The time we have left with Grayson under our roof is short. And we desperately need to make the most of what we have left and pursue the dream. So, we began to pray and we began knocking on doors. As we knocked, one by one, they begin to be thrown open in ways we never imagined possible.

This move consists of us selling out...everything we have ever acquired, minus the children's beds and clothes. I look back over the course of the last few months and am amazed by the preparatory work God was doing in our lives, so unknowingly to us, as we have paired down on absolutely everything that does not serve a purpose in our lives. It has made the move easy...or easier....and the burden light.

So, we go to a better income and a farmer's market that overflows with the abundance of the land....strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, apples, mangoes, pecans, raw honey and plants that actually grow. Wild dogwoods, crepe myrtles, cherry trees, rivers that run, and lakes that are filled. Pumpkin patches and corn mazes in the fall, trees that turn every shade of autumn, snow that falls in the winter, springs that burst with life and summers that are filled with swimming and beaches and hiking into wooded forests boasting waterfalls. Thunderstorms that pour forth rain, thunder that rolls across skies, and lighteneing that rivals the most extravagant 4th of July celebrations.

We go to relationships that flourish, children whose hearts ache to be near closest friends, and a church where drumming husband can play. We go to a job where the government will not determine what your maximum income will be and husband will be encouraged as the provider of our home. He can crossfit and jiu jitsu and be fulfilled in areas that his heart has longed for.

We are not naive enough to think the transition will be flawless or without it's share of bumps. And we are fully aware it will take sacrifice and work on both of our parts but the end result is worth it all. It truly is about living the dream and being blessed. "Every man dies but not every man lives." We want to use these years with our children and live and experience all of life....because we only have so long. So, we prayed and we knocked and we are moving forward with abundant blessings being poured out upon our family. There is excitement unlike ever before and we wait with anticipation to see what the Lord has planned for our family. Moving date is set for Oct 1st but could be as soon as mid September.

"There is more to your life than you ever imagined. There is more to your story than what you have read." Max Lucado

The Beating Heart

One tiny baby jumps with a perfect beating heart! Baby measures perfectly on target with a March 10th due date. It was a bit funny to me to see how disappointed the children were with "just" one baby. They each kept asking the tech where the other baby is and then Garrett finally asked her to look and find the other baby. Our children are seriously under the assumption now that babies just come in pairs. It was enough to make me laugh. I'm feeling very blessed by our one baby and feel that this is yet more confirmation that we are to follow our hearts and go a new direction in our life. More to the story concerning those things that will follow in a later post.

I feel as though I can finally breathe again. The weight of the world has been lifted. Baby jumped and moved and wiggled fingers. I went in alone, was asked some questions and was told the tech would take a look. Once all was confirmed good they would call in waiting husband and children. I couldn't bear the thought of laying there alone facing the unknown so I stated kindly that my husband, the one who stabilizes all of life and the earthly rock that God has placed here to keep me grounded, would be called in now and children could come later....cause I wasn't doing this without him. The tech looked a bit shocked at first but was gracious and said she'd go fetch him before we started. Sonogram probe was finally set on stomach. Breathing seemed to be optional at that point and I couldn't even begin to look at the screen. The tech voiced, "There's baby!" I lay there with head turned to the side..finally asking sweet patient husband in a whisper, "Does it have a heartbeat?" He stood, already smiling and answered, "Yes it does, and I told you there was nothing to worry about." At that point the tech spoke up and said, "Your baby does have a good strong heartbeat!! See the flickering?" And so I looked and there, with a beating heart, moved our Baby 11, perfect in every way. Tears of relief and joy streamed as the 178 rate was confirmed. Waiting children were called in. All gathered around to see the wall monitor....and then the questions began.

developing baby at 10 wks 1 day

As much as I would've embraced twins again in absolutely every way and was overjoyed by the sheer hope there might be, a single baby pregnancy is very much a blessing right now. And with having no twins in our family history at all I feel that the two sets we do have are miracles in every way. I have learned over the path we have traveled that there is never a pregnancy to be taken for granted....whether it grows one baby....or two! So, we prepare for what the rest of life holds and know that a baby grows and flourishes safely tucked within.

And just for the record....I'm thinking girl due to the extreme severity of the morning sickness and the fact there is just one in there. But, we won't know for sure until March! Anticipating our very 1st surprise baby!

10 week baby

The Trepidatious Heart

My ultrasound is tomorrow. And I am deathly afraid of it. The closer it gets the more my heart sinks. I feel like I have actually shrunk in size to some extent, the growth has slowed considerably and I feel as though my morning...or rather all day...sickness is all for naught. To lose a baby this far along does not mean the morning sickness immediately dies, as I found that out the traumatic way when I miscarried. Once you get this far into it, the hormone levels are so high that it takes weeks for your body to realize you're not pregnant. It took mine many weeks. I want this sonogram...or at least I thought I did....but now there is absolute gripping fear of what tomorrow has the ability to reveal. I know that the Lord does not give us the spirit of fear but one of power, love and a sound mind. But this is something I am continually, moment my moment, having to give back over to the Lord. I woke at 5:30 am with shift husband and after diesel rumbled away I laid in the quiet darkness and tried to temper the tears. There is no guarantee and this is the risk one takes when loving as greatly as we do and continuing to open our hearts up to more children. The image of a still, lifeless baby on a black and white screen is enough to cripple the heart with agonizing fear quite infinitely. And so, as the sun rises I pull myself from bed and I sit with tears still streaming trying to muster up the courage to face tomorrow. Suddenly, I don't want to take all of the children anymore...I just want an answer. And so with husband away, the day ticks slowly by, just biding time until I know.



Sun streams in and tears flow freely. So much change. Dreams that we will never know unless we step out in faith and conquer the great daunting task of change. All of it, between baby and change, seems a bit overwhelming to the heart at times.

"The only real failure in life is the failure to try."




"Fear of failure must never be a reason not to try something."


"The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure."



All quotes I ponder greatly in recent days as husband and I make life altering decisions that will change the course of our lives forever. What a tragedy it is in life to never leave the comfort zone and never venture out to see what lies beyond. What true deprivation there is to all of our children to not know the adventure of trying something new. And how limited our walk with the Lord to not trust and stay forever in the boat. Who would Peter be if he had chosen to stay in the boat and not trust....not take a leap of faith to know things he would never experience had he stayed safely tucked away? He could have. No one was focring him to reach beyond. He was asked...beckoned....and He chose to experience what no one else did. Ruined for the Ordinary. We want to be the ones that know that to such greater depths. Listen and then take action. What purpose does our life serve, what good have we done if we do not hear...or if we fail to act once we have heard? And how can we ever enrich our lives if the paralizing fear of failure forever keeps us from knowing anything more....the greater blessings that lie beyond? The joy of more children, the elation of success, the contentment of knowing we are where we are supposed to be because we had the courage to step out in faith and walk away from everything that was ever comfortable, familiar and secure. Extreme living...pushing the limits and boundaries in life to see what is possible for our own life. Doing the wild, crazy and unthinkable because there is more to life than our little world. Sacrifice and suffering discomfort to know the joy that lies beyond. There is no progress without sacrifice. There is no change without giving up the familiar.

"Don't fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have."




"Feel the fear and do it anyway."



"Every man dies but not every man lives."



We want to be the ones that live and know what it is to experience all of life. To fear something is no reason not to conquer it. There is a certain allure of tackling the impossible....it's just fun and there is great amounts of gratification in doing something everyone said could not be done....or should not be done.



And so we set forth on a journey to know and embrace more of life....to push the envelope and live dreams that we will never know unless we embrace change and leaving everything that is familiar, secure and comforting. And as my heart seems to slow to an agonizing halt some days and then excitedly skip beats the next I know that we are going to see things we have never seen before, do things we have never done, broaden our children's world in ways we never could have had we not been willing to try. Life is one big adventure waiting to be experienced and our children need to learn this as intimately as we feel it....to not fear it but embrace it....and when there is fear....conquer it.

And I wait for tomorrow to see my baby. My heart quivers with the unknown.

Cousin Fun

Sitting on the bumper of Daddy's rescue. He drives this massive thing....and I'm not sure any of them could be more proud of it.

We've had one of our nephews here for the last week and half so they have busied themselves with lots of cousin fun. He lives in the heart of the big city so our children have had the fun of showing him what life in a rural town 30 miles from nowhere is really like. And in the midst of it all he got to make a trip to the station to see the trucks. He's 2 months younger than Gavin and has only a 9 month old little brother so he had masses of rowdy cousins to wrestle, bike, fish, make forts, and shoot with.

Bedtime buddies. Milo was quite taken with the top bunk.

Some of the crew getting ready for Friday night movie after pizza. Waiting for Soul Surfer to come on.

Milo showing off his new camo "army" shirt that he began begging for since some of our boys wore their's to the station. Military loving boys.

Checking out the back of the rescue. Little tiny boy on a big big truck.

....and the back of the ambulance.

Sittin' in daddy's seat.

Waiting and waiting and waiting for the day he can drive it. His mission in life...to be a firefighter in the military. He's quite determined to combine his two greatest loves.

Gavin's turn.

Milo checking it all out.

Cousin Milo realizing just how heavy it is.

Trying out all the other guys helmets. I'm pretty sure they loved us for this one.

Milo seeing the ladder for the 1st time. This is only the thousandth time for our kids to be on it but, apparently, it never grows old.

More helmets

Summer Struggles

So I had this long, sad, sob story in my head about our beloved family cat that we discovered dead earlier this week. It seems to have brought up many mental and heart issues that heat, summer, and responsibility always have a way of unpleasantly bringing with it. Memories and heart issues not so kind to the head. It's not just the cat dying...though I greatly loved the cat...and I'm not even close to being a cat person. It's the season, the unrelenting 110 degree days and months of no rain, the oppression that comes with heat and memories, the lingering emotions that seem to vary as drastically as the desert weather and heart issues that I have learned are just going to take a long time to sort out. And then I find those thoughts and emotions somehow bringing up the absolute waste of life, and years, and time, and people....the sheer heartwrenching sadness of fault finding family and relationships that may never be restored. All the hurt of broken relationships that surround us at times....the absolute closeness that brother and I maintain and the hurt of watching him struggle, sister and family that we have not spoken with in over two years due to forever failing to live up to expectations set...vicious cycle repeated for one too many years and finally coming to accept the difficult truth that some things never will change. Condescending family that does not rejoice in this new baby and has begun to only see dollar signs attached to the head of new children God has given us and for which He continues to provide faithfully. The overwhelming sadness of so many years wasted when life is so brief...so much bigger than the little bubble in which people exist....so much more to it than how they think other people should conduct their lives. It's about whether another human being takes a breath on this earth to make a difference to a world that is utterly hopeless...not about what a child has been deprived of in the electronics or clothes department. It's about the value of each other...not about what your expectations are of other people's lives.


But then I had the realization that to talk about it is just depressing. One thing I have learned over time is that the majority of all people set boundaries and fully expect them to be respected but, more often than not, are angered by other people's boundaries and have no respect for them whatsoever. And when they disagree and one chooses to conduct their life differently people let it seep in and ruin relationships....and life is just so short....whether you're a cat or a person dealing with what we have been through in the last 2 years of our life. Life is short and you are not guaranteed your next breath. Every breath given is another breath from God, a gift that is not small and not to be taken lightly. I'll probably get back in the mood to talk about it all oneday but, for now, to dwell on it seems disturbing and just oppressive. Somewhere in there a dead cat seemed to initiate scrutiny of all of life. So, I refrain and move on....with one less cat to our name. There is so much in life to be grateful for....so much that we do have to be thankful. Healthy relationships of people that surround us with unconditional love and support, the faithfulness of the Lord to meet the needs of relationships lost, family that does surround us and love us, children that we have been exceedingly abundantly blessed with that we watch grow in the strength and admonition of the Lord, a life that is imperfect but has been made whole because, despite our failures, we serve a loving and merciful God that heals and forgives even still.

On a pregnant note...the Sea Bands were not exactly the miracle cure I had hoped they would prove to be. They do, however, help significantly which makes most days tolerable. It hasn't quite taken the trash can out of the picture completely but days are better than they were....maybe due to the sea bands and maybe just due to the fact the intensity of the morning sickness has lessened a little. I'm not entirely sure which is responsible for the relief, perhaps a little of both, but thankful for it nonetheless. I'll feel better when I can hear or see a wiggly thriving baby with a beautiful beating heart. One more week.





Since the picture journey appears to be almost identical to the last pregnancy I decided to skip this week. I'm feeling a little round, a little large, a little unappealing, and a little puky. Not exactly the best combination for having to take pictures of one's self. Since I have hit the 9 week milestone and am still feeling sick and growing exponentially my heart continues to hope that all is well. Based on the rocketing size taking shape within the mirror right now I'm finding that it does not take pictures at the current moment to confirm that baby is indeed growing well. Honestly, it feels a little freakish and obnoxious right now to be sporting the 14-16 week size I have going with just one baby at a mere 9 weeks. So, maybe when I even out a little in size I'll post more. Or maybe just when I feel better and can refrain from looking like I'm about to puke in every picture.

Blogger Issues

I've experienced a few problems with blogger in the last week so have been unable to post anything. As of late this evening I think everything is back up and running. Hopefully I'll be back to blogging late tomorrow night......maybe. If life doesn't interfere in the meantime.