The Trepidatious Heart

My ultrasound is tomorrow. And I am deathly afraid of it. The closer it gets the more my heart sinks. I feel like I have actually shrunk in size to some extent, the growth has slowed considerably and I feel as though my morning...or rather all day...sickness is all for naught. To lose a baby this far along does not mean the morning sickness immediately dies, as I found that out the traumatic way when I miscarried. Once you get this far into it, the hormone levels are so high that it takes weeks for your body to realize you're not pregnant. It took mine many weeks. I want this sonogram...or at least I thought I did....but now there is absolute gripping fear of what tomorrow has the ability to reveal. I know that the Lord does not give us the spirit of fear but one of power, love and a sound mind. But this is something I am continually, moment my moment, having to give back over to the Lord. I woke at 5:30 am with shift husband and after diesel rumbled away I laid in the quiet darkness and tried to temper the tears. There is no guarantee and this is the risk one takes when loving as greatly as we do and continuing to open our hearts up to more children. The image of a still, lifeless baby on a black and white screen is enough to cripple the heart with agonizing fear quite infinitely. And so, as the sun rises I pull myself from bed and I sit with tears still streaming trying to muster up the courage to face tomorrow. Suddenly, I don't want to take all of the children anymore...I just want an answer. And so with husband away, the day ticks slowly by, just biding time until I know.



Sun streams in and tears flow freely. So much change. Dreams that we will never know unless we step out in faith and conquer the great daunting task of change. All of it, between baby and change, seems a bit overwhelming to the heart at times.

"The only real failure in life is the failure to try."




"Fear of failure must never be a reason not to try something."


"The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure."



All quotes I ponder greatly in recent days as husband and I make life altering decisions that will change the course of our lives forever. What a tragedy it is in life to never leave the comfort zone and never venture out to see what lies beyond. What true deprivation there is to all of our children to not know the adventure of trying something new. And how limited our walk with the Lord to not trust and stay forever in the boat. Who would Peter be if he had chosen to stay in the boat and not trust....not take a leap of faith to know things he would never experience had he stayed safely tucked away? He could have. No one was focring him to reach beyond. He was asked...beckoned....and He chose to experience what no one else did. Ruined for the Ordinary. We want to be the ones that know that to such greater depths. Listen and then take action. What purpose does our life serve, what good have we done if we do not hear...or if we fail to act once we have heard? And how can we ever enrich our lives if the paralizing fear of failure forever keeps us from knowing anything more....the greater blessings that lie beyond? The joy of more children, the elation of success, the contentment of knowing we are where we are supposed to be because we had the courage to step out in faith and walk away from everything that was ever comfortable, familiar and secure. Extreme living...pushing the limits and boundaries in life to see what is possible for our own life. Doing the wild, crazy and unthinkable because there is more to life than our little world. Sacrifice and suffering discomfort to know the joy that lies beyond. There is no progress without sacrifice. There is no change without giving up the familiar.

"Don't fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have."




"Feel the fear and do it anyway."



"Every man dies but not every man lives."



We want to be the ones that live and know what it is to experience all of life. To fear something is no reason not to conquer it. There is a certain allure of tackling the impossible....it's just fun and there is great amounts of gratification in doing something everyone said could not be done....or should not be done.



And so we set forth on a journey to know and embrace more of life....to push the envelope and live dreams that we will never know unless we embrace change and leaving everything that is familiar, secure and comforting. And as my heart seems to slow to an agonizing halt some days and then excitedly skip beats the next I know that we are going to see things we have never seen before, do things we have never done, broaden our children's world in ways we never could have had we not been willing to try. Life is one big adventure waiting to be experienced and our children need to learn this as intimately as we feel it....to not fear it but embrace it....and when there is fear....conquer it.

And I wait for tomorrow to see my baby. My heart quivers with the unknown.