So I had this long, sad, sob story in my head about our beloved family cat that we discovered dead earlier this week. It seems to have brought up many mental and heart issues that heat, summer, and responsibility always have a way of unpleasantly bringing with it. Memories and heart issues not so kind to the head. It's not just the cat dying...though I greatly loved the cat...and I'm not even close to being a cat person. It's the season, the unrelenting 110 degree days and months of no rain, the oppression that comes with heat and memories, the lingering emotions that seem to vary as drastically as the desert weather and heart issues that I have learned are just going to take a long time to sort out. And then I find those thoughts and emotions somehow bringing up the absolute waste of life, and years, and time, and people....the sheer heartwrenching sadness of fault finding family and relationships that may never be restored. All the hurt of broken relationships that surround us at times....the absolute closeness that brother and I maintain and the hurt of watching him struggle, sister and family that we have not spoken with in over two years due to forever failing to live up to expectations set...vicious cycle repeated for one too many years and finally coming to accept the difficult truth that some things never will change. Condescending family that does not rejoice in this new baby and has begun to only see dollar signs attached to the head of new children God has given us and for which He continues to provide faithfully. The overwhelming sadness of so many years wasted when life is so brief...so much bigger than the little bubble in which people exist....so much more to it than how they think other people should conduct their lives. It's about whether another human being takes a breath on this earth to make a difference to a world that is utterly hopeless...not about what a child has been deprived of in the electronics or clothes department. It's about the value of each other...not about what your expectations are of other people's lives.
But then I had the realization that to talk about it is just depressing. One thing I have learned over time is that the majority of all people set boundaries and fully expect them to be respected but, more often than not, are angered by other people's boundaries and have no respect for them whatsoever. And when they disagree and one chooses to conduct their life differently people let it seep in and ruin relationships....and life is just so short....whether you're a cat or a person dealing with what we have been through in the last 2 years of our life. Life is short and you are not guaranteed your next breath. Every breath given is another breath from God, a gift that is not small and not to be taken lightly. I'll probably get back in the mood to talk about it all oneday but, for now, to dwell on it seems disturbing and just oppressive. Somewhere in there a dead cat seemed to initiate scrutiny of all of life. So, I refrain and move on....with one less cat to our name. There is so much in life to be grateful for....so much that we do have to be thankful. Healthy relationships of people that surround us with unconditional love and support, the faithfulness of the Lord to meet the needs of relationships lost, family that does surround us and love us, children that we have been exceedingly abundantly blessed with that we watch grow in the strength and admonition of the Lord, a life that is imperfect but has been made whole because, despite our failures, we serve a loving and merciful God that heals and forgives even still.
On a pregnant note...the Sea Bands were not exactly the miracle cure I had hoped they would prove to be. They do, however, help significantly which makes most days tolerable. It hasn't quite taken the trash can out of the picture completely but days are better than they were....maybe due to the sea bands and maybe just due to the fact the intensity of the morning sickness has lessened a little. I'm not entirely sure which is responsible for the relief, perhaps a little of both, but thankful for it nonetheless. I'll feel better when I can hear or see a wiggly thriving baby with a beautiful beating heart. One more week.
Since the picture journey appears to be almost identical to the last pregnancy I decided to skip this week. I'm feeling a little round, a little large, a little unappealing, and a little puky. Not exactly the best combination for having to take pictures of one's self. Since I have hit the 9 week milestone and am still feeling sick and growing exponentially my heart continues to hope that all is well. Based on the rocketing size taking shape within the mirror right now I'm finding that it does not take pictures at the current moment to confirm that baby is indeed growing well. Honestly, it feels a little freakish and obnoxious right now to be sporting the 14-16 week size I have going with just one baby at a mere 9 weeks. So, maybe when I even out a little in size I'll post more. Or maybe just when I feel better and can refrain from looking like I'm about to puke in every picture.
8 comments:
Thanks for answering me on my blog. That is a lot of moola!
I enjoyed your thoughts above.
I can so relate to the pukiness! Sea bands helped a little for me each time. I found out that a little candied ginger helped more though. Oh, and bone broth helps settle stomaches a whole lot. Just put your chicken bones from a whole chicken in the crockpot (after you have already cooked it and served it in another meal) add some veggies, lots of garlic and about a Tbsp of apple cider vinegar and let it cook all night and all day. Then next day drain the broth into another bowl and stick it in the fridge and when it has fat on the top, skim that fat off and give it to your animals and you have broth to eat. Yum! Drink about a glass in the morning and evening. It is so nutritious.
I hope you feel better soon! It is all worth it!
Does it feel like twins again????
I love the chicken broth idea.We've attempted making our own but I didn't flavor it. I just stuck in the bones in a big pot of water. Needless to say..it was kinda bland. LOL! I love your recipe. Brad's always much better at flavoring stuff than I am. He just does it with whatever he comes up with in his head and it always turns out great. I, on the other hand, have to go by a book or measurements. Your concoction sounds good just reading it. Definitely going to give it a try.
And this is all so very very worth it. In fact, on the good days when I find myself not so sick I start to worry. Sheer craziness. All I have to do is think back to the two different dr's telling us we would probably not be able to go on and have more children and I marvel at where I am and how amazing it is to be here once again knowing yet another baby grows. I do not take any day of morning sickness for granted...because I know it's an amazing thing to be here....even on the bad days. Last Tuesday I could not seem to get away from the trash can. I visited 4 times in 3 hours and then finally just had to go to bed to sleep it off. Then I woke up still needing it. LOL! That was one of the worst days I've had in awhile. The others seem to be getting better. So thankful I have the opportunity to be here when I know so very many moms longing for an opportunity to experience it once...or just one more time.
Turthfully, if I get really honest, it does feel like twins again. But then I hesitate to ever write that due to how many times before I've thought that or spoken it before to only have 1 little baby show up. It's a little humbling when you're so wrong about something. LOL! If I compare this to any other pregnancy it is most like my last one. Morning sickness is even more severe than last pregnancy...and I didn't think that was even remotely possible. LOL! I continually dismiss my size based on the fact I just carried twins 40+ weeks 9 months ago so naturally I will show pretty immediately. And that may very well be true. However, I carried baby #6 unusually small the entire pregnancy and his pregnancy followed our big twins by 9 months. So, who knows. Maybe it's just due to the 10 that have gone before this baby. I really am huge though. I honestly just don't know. With both sets of twins I very clearly felt myself ovulate. It was crampy and unmistakeable. With this pregnancy I really thought I hadn't even ovulated that month. So, I will be hugely surprised if two do pop up simply due to the fact it was doubtful I could even get pregnant when I did. We'll see. Intuition, size and sickness point to twins. But sheer facts and the odds of it happening twice in a row clearly indicate that it is highly ulikely. So, justg waiting around to see what pops up! Obviously, we won't be disappointed either way. Or well...I think a few choice children might be. :) They've begun to think babies just always come in two's. I've found that one baby is just so easy and so quickly fed, loaded and toted everywhere. But the miracle of twins is absolutely amazing. It just never gets old. I'd do it everytime if we had the choice.
Nikki,
I think some families are called by God to be blessed with many children who in turn bless those around them. Some families do not have that same calling. If you & your family are blessed by the addition of one more child (or two) who among us can tell God that he had made a mistake?
What if Jacob had said to God that having 12 sons was just too much trouble, too expensive, etc? God blessed the world through the line of Jacob, who was obedient to Him.
I am so sorry that people around you do not understand and that certain family members choose to be less than accepting of you & your choices. Please know that many people pray for you & the peace & safety of your family.
I know how others cannot share in your happiness over more children--it has happened to us on more than one occasion. And, when done by close family members, it can hurt. Most are not even caring about the money--it's more about the work, drudgery or whatever they think they can save me from! My husband likes to tell me that they are just jealous-ha ha.
I hope you feel better soon, and I cannot wait to find out how many are in there!!!
Nikki,
Isn't it amazing how something (your cat dying) can stir up all these thoughts and emotions? Sunday night I read on fb that someone I've never met died of breast cancer leaving 4 young children and I laid in bed until 3:30 thinking of every worry, concern or stress in my life! That was fun!
I don't know your exact situation with family but it seems to me that if you have a conviction/belief they don't share they feel that you are judging them by living out your conviction. We've had some of that on both sides of our family because of our convictions on several issues. Trying to talk to family about "issues" seems impossible.
Hang in there, your family is awesome! :o)
Nikki, I read recently that beans will help with morning sickness. Eat them several times a day. Canned beans or beans you soak and cook yourself. I've heard it's amazing. Too bad I found about too late for this pregnancy. I sure needed something. I've been using sea bands since my first 14 years ago. Or what is my second? Who knows. They do work, but only for a bit. I find if I give them a rest for a few hours and use them again, they work better.
Try the bean thing. At least a half a cup several times a day.
always enjoy your words Nikki....wish I was closer just to give you a hug....
Only love my friend,
Marie
I was just looking at the pics of your beautiful children ans thought, "Wouldn't twin girls be great?" :)
Blessings
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