Sleepless

6:19 am and I sit. I should shower....but it's quiet. And I can sit and think a bit in the quiet. Shower can come once children awake. 3:34 am and the body wakes, gears of the mind turning too rapidly to be lulled to sleep again. Husband sleeps soundly by my side so I lay quietly in the stillness, listening to the peaceful sounds of his breaths. Companionship, stability, best friend in life, making decisions together, working together to make it happen. Fearless, adventurer, the two of us in life doing what we feel at peace with for our own little family.



Opinions of our actions run deep, family doubting, as they have for years, the wisdom of our choices in life. But, it's the two of us and the 10 amazing people we have been given to raise. Together we know what we're at peace with and where our hearts are called. So, we leave the silent, judgemental opinions and naysayers behind and we do what we know is best for our family. We embrace and become ever more grateful for the encouragement of the family that does not judge. Despite their tears and heartwrenching sadness of seeing us go, there are those that continue to support us and encourage in every way. How overwhelmingly thankful I am for friends that wait for us, that see the vision with us, and are willing to help us get there. Friends that eagerly anticipate our arrival just as much as we anticipate getting there. Tears shed in leaving close family behind yet so much joy in going to friends that are family and embracing a new profession and new way of life. Bittersweet.



Change...it can be an overwhelming thing. I love where we are. Despite the drought, the heat, the dept that is increasingly difficult to reason with and a tiny town that hosts a population of bad attitudes.....the land itself is beautiful. Gentle rolling hills, sun hanging low in west bathing dry parched land in gentle golden hue. Herds of deer coming out to graze in the cooler 100 degree shade. Wheels of truck humming on lone Texas highway, flick of hand in passing truck to acknowledge all of life and the common bond of just living here.Wind blows, hair flies free and 13 year old talks once again of the sadness of leaving. Already missing the joy of knowing absolutely everyone in our tiny town, population 220. Lamenting the end of his fishing days as he and 6 year old brothers bike their way down the 2 miles to river and fish the afternoon away....bringing in 15 lbs worth of an afternoon's effort. Gun loving boy who has the freedom to hunt snakes and small varmints within rural city limits.

And for a moment, it all becomes so bittersweet. This place where three of our children took their very first breath, welcomed into their daddy's arms in this very room we sleep. I think of the memories made here as I watch boxes fill and stack. Excited children eagerly make process go twice as fast...yet slowing it down to what I am sure is twice as slow...therefore leaving one to question any real progress at all. I look out at Baby Gideon's tree, the one he lays quietly under, bought by oldest brother in an effort to bring healing to all of life, and yet again tears fall as I think about the reality of what we leave behind....knowing we cannot move forward without leaving a piece of our heart here. Despite drought and water rationing husband has continued faithfully to sneak water out to tree and it lives. New inhabitant of our home has promised to keep it watered just as the husband's and daddy's heart has faithfully cared for it until now.



So, I rise and I look to the future and not what we leave behind. There is risk to anything in life so we step out in faith and go where we feel we are being led. We make choices with which are hearts are at peace. Because ultimately in life, it's just us....Brad, me and our little army. It's not about making decisions that keep certain family members happy, it's not about living up to what they feel we should do with our lives. It's about us and where we will prosper and the doors that have been opened for the two of us and our children. We know that good things lie in wait ahead. Those that have the courage to step out and take the leap of faith are the ones that actually have the chance in life to experience those things that few others ever do...because so few possess the courage to do the extreme and leave all that they have ever known to search out more of life....to pursue the dream. For those that stay comfortable and secure in the boat...they never experience the miracle of walking on water. They don't see the seas parted and they limit themselves to the miracles of the Lord...because they don't possess the faith to get out of the comfort zone to experience more....or they wait and they wait and they wait until life has passed them by.



Sun rises....orange, pink and purple hues painting a new chapter in our lives. Two week notice being given today. Two more weeks of the only life husband and I have ever known...governed by a calendar printed in black, red, and green. Two more weeks of massive diesel rumbling, shiny white trucks that flash blinding lights. Two more weeks of him gone 33% of the time and absent 98% of all holidays...children piled in bed in his absence. Two more weeks of risking life ventilating compromised roofs while infernos rage beneath...two more weeks of cutting people out of cars while motorist don't even slow as these guys work for the worst pay in the state. Four weeks away from starting over in life, transitioning into a chapter, and a new state 1500 miles away from the only home we have ever known as we embrace the change. We will drive away from the parched lands, dying trees, wilting cactus and entire season of 100+ heat. I will be with my husband and children and that is all that matters. Together we pursue the dream. We lay aside the doubters and naysaying family members because we know that together....the 13 of us.....we can accomplish anything.