The Bumper Dumper

Since we don't have many beautiful spring weather days left in sweltering west Texas the children and I loaded up and headed out to the lake for a spontaneous picnic. What we kinda failed to plan for was the all consuming need to pee out the 44 ozs of coke we drank on the way to our scenic destination. And being that we live so entirely rurally and I love seclusion our much beloved spot is no less than 50 miles from anywhere and about 70 miles from any trustworthy gas station. As the need was becoming a bit overwhelming for relief of bodily functions creativity was required. Having had an absolutely obnoxious, scarring event in childhood as my family attempted to camp at Possum Kingdom I vowed at the early age of 8 I would never in my life pee without a toilet again. That memorable trip also included forgetting the tent poles, no dry firewood for dinner...so no dinner at all..or smores...actually I think we did end up eating cold wienies, no nearby bathroom facility resulting in aforementioned event, and rain.....lots of rain. It ended with all 5 family members sleeping in our conversion van...or attempting to....eagerly awaiting sunrise so we could head home. That little camping event is what led my younger brother into Boy Scouts and attaining the coveted Eagle Scout rank. To say that my father is not the outdoorsman is a little of an understatement. My brother and husband have made up for it and thankfully we are raising outdoor wise children..that do not end up peeing all over their clothing and footwear with no change of clothes, eating cold wienies and attempting to sleep in drenched sleeping bags.

Fast forward to today.... we must find a way to remedy the immediate need or leave our lovely day at the lake. And, of course, there would be a farmer out HAND plowing his cow field on the other side of the forsaken tiny state park facilities we occupied. So...just squatting in the wild wasn't quite gonna cut it. But driving a beast of a vehicle does have it's advantages. After taking stock of the resources we had within, our make shift girls stall was erected. I think we could safely live off the contents that reside upon the floor of our van for no less than a year so we had more than enough resources with which to meet rising needs. To keep splattering off the parched ground to a minimum we unearthed a 64 oz cup, gathered a roll of mostly shredded, stepped on paper towels, a lone plastic sack...still surprisingly intact...for trash can purposes, and a huge blanket which has been missing for over two weeks now. We found it...obviously....along with a million petrified Chik Fil A fench friesand about half as many half eaten nuggets, a hamburger patty or 2 turned rock frisbees, 286 sucker sticks...all conveniently cemented to the floor board, 2 million shredded Sonic cups, the entire stock of Wal Mart's die cast car section, a pellet gun or 3, 4 baseball gloves, 23 toy guns and rifles, just as many chewed up straws, a few melted crayons, a few thousand shredded foil jr burger wrappers, a few hundred fermented empty drinkable yogurt cups, only about 50 cheese stick wrappers.....and.....2 entire flattened, uneaten loaves of Nature's Own bread. The ones we couldn't seem to find after our last grocery shopping trip. Found them. And yes...we clean this thing out once a week....pretty much.

I was overly impressed with how well the make shift facilities met the need and how progressive our creativity proved to be. Complete and total privacy out in the middle of nowhere...with an antiquated farmer plowing to our west. Good farmer finally left us in privacy and we were back to 100 miles from anyone....after all the girls peed.

And little boys with their convenient anatomy just peed on every tree out there without the need for any privacy...and life went well....until the inevitable.

"Mama? Mama???? Mama! I really need to poop."

"No, buddy. You can wait. I know you can hang onto it for awhile."

"Yes ma'am."

.....5 minutes later....

conversation above repeated once again.

...5 minutes more....

"Mama...I can feel it. It's coming out"

At this point to strap him into carseat and take off for civilization ensured a carseat turned commode. And since I could not even begin to imagine trying to dump a turd....or 2 or 3....out of a 64 oz cup I began to search the world over for alternatives. In desperation the inconceivable suddenly not only became conceivable, but appealing. I tentatively opened the clean lid of the state park barrel trash can and peered within. No bees. Minimal flies. Seemed promising. Yet the opening loomed larger than life for a 3 yr old butt. Scanning the ground I quickly located a piece of old driftwood and sat it a little precariously atop the opening. 3 yr old gleefully followed instructions to strip and was balanced upon the log with some aid given to balance, as the ridiculousness and humor of our current predicament set in. As he laughed...since he is our ever joyful one that laughs about absolutely everything in life...he proceeded to take a 4 lb dump in the green state park trash can. Siblings gathered around in total awe over the fact this feat could actually be accomplished and the novelty of it all. With excrement sanitarily and hygienically deposited...though that aspect is a little questionable at this point...the lid to the trash can was shut and we walked away. I am quite certain the state park employees are gonna love us for that one.

Given the fact that taking a dump in a barrel can is quite the event in our family 104 kids continued to open lid and peer at 3 ft turd within. So it happened that Grant and Garrett were laughing hysterically at this newfound amazingness as they gawked once more. As any outing with an obnoxious number of kids goes....Grant's arm grew tired from the weight of the hinged lid, expertly shutting Garrett's bowling ball head within. Once Garrett was freed from barrel-turned-wreaking-outhouse-facility he screamed and hopped himself around right into an ant bed. With a baby strapped in Ergo on front and older kids on the shore I picked his 48 lb self up and hauled him to van. Auto first aid kit was located and Waladryl cream and the Bite Off stick....the little marker sized bite and sting remedy stick that compactly fits anywhere...were administered. And on the Auto First Aid Kit note...we have been through enough scenarios that I finally just concocted my own based on history of needs.....cause the little store bought ones just don't cut it. My specially made kit includes a Rubbermaid tote with

- Bandaids of all shapes and sizes

- Walosporin....or whatever the off brand of Neosporin is called

- Waladryl cream...see if you can figure that one out

- liquid Waladryl w/ a medicine cup....yep, figure that one out too.

- Walenol...any ideas???

- Waltrin....anyone?

- the Bite Off stick

- a LED flashlight

- Off bug spray

- iodine

- a baggie of q-tips

- ice pack

- aloe vera

- travel sewing kit...this is actually surprisingly indispensable as it contains travel scissors, needles that come in handy for splinters, and needle and thread should you decide to try your hand at off road suturing.

- a box of matches

- Walocaine gel..max strength oragel works for this too

- trash bag...just cause

- and other crap I can't think of off the top of my head

- and to the side of it under the 4th row seat we always have a small adult sleeping bag. It has come in amazingly handy too. When kids pop an unexpected fever and freeze their butts off we can unzip it and have an instacover or when kids can't seem to agree on climate within the confines of their enclosed space or when they're frozen due to my pregnancy induced heat stroke the frostbitten ones huddle underneath....or should we ever decide to spontaneously camp out at least one of us will be comfy.

On the handy tip note, while I'm on a role....we also carry around a Rubbermaid see through tote for diaper bag purposes. It contains absolutely everything a diaper bag contains plus a change of underwear for all toilet trained kids and a change of clothes for Ivye. That way we're assured that diapers and wipes are within arm's reach for van changes and always there even if we forget the diaper bag. Then we also have the same size see through tote for toys too. Works great for the stray ones that make their way into the van along with the ones designated for traveling purposes to occupy hands and reduce toddler auto boredom. Then we also have a tote up front for anything that needs to go between the 2 front seats...which is just a ton of misc crap that is not supposed to include any form of petrified food...but does anyway.

Back to the point.....so go our adventures in nature. I am quite convinced at this point that we now have enough people in this family to warrant the cost of a bumper dumper. And yes.....they make those...for families like us. At only 69.95 I find that not only perfectly reasonable but quite fair for the comfort and sanitation it ensures to those in need. I'm sure all park employees will be grateful. And as an added benefit it also acts as a stand alone toilet without needing the aid of a hitch if you see fit to insert a bucket underneath. Although I still just can't quite fathom taking a crap in a bucket. Who empties that???...cause it ain't gonna be me. Actually, I say that but one would be amazed at some of the things I have touched and had projected upon me within my years of parenting. So, I guess a turd in a 5 gallon bucket is not really all that horrific. Or I guess you could insert a trash bag cause a Wal Mart sack sure wouldn't cut it for the mouth of a 5 gallon bucket...pretty much guaranteeing the mess one is seeking to avoid. It is quite the versatile and affordable accessory for any large family...or really, any person at all, in my opinion. Cause you just never know when the urge is gonna hit. The Bumper Dumper. It's what I want for Mother's Day. A camo one.

Giving kisses Bright red and white blond. A little bit of a repeat of 6 years ago. The flash kind of washes out the extent of red he's got going. There's a baby in the 2nd seat of the stroller too. You just kinda can't see him very well...or at all. And this really just doesn't look like 9 kids. Nine being due to Grayson taking the pic since that's about the only way this ever works. And no...I'm not pregnant. But in this pic it's seriously looking like it. The 50 thousand pics to get a good one

The girls' stall

taking turns

Trying out the new one. Since we now have 7 kids in carseats and little twins are wanting out of infant carriers we've bumped up the big twins to 5 pt harness boosters, freeing up their carseats. So now Garrett, Gavin, Ivye and little twins are all in infant-65 lb, 5 pt harness carseats with the big twins in 5 pt boosters.