Debunking the Body Image Myth and Large Family Mentality

I don't write to impress anybody. If I wrote to impress I probably would refrain from blogging about 3 ft turds in state park trash cans, sticking 1/2 naked pics of myself on here, admitting to my new inner longing to drive around with a toilet connected to my trailer hitch, and I certainly wouldn't go into hour long dissertations about unheard of, self centered randomness such as rhabdomyolysis...although you have to admit it was pretty interesting by the end of it....if you ever got to the end of it. So, with worries of impressing laid aside, I write.

_________

I love...really love...getting into shape. The actual act, in and of itself, sucks. Nobody in their right mind actually wants to go inflict misery and pain on one's self. The whole lung inferno and lack of capacity to inhale enough air to sustain life while you thud around like an elephant is not all that wondrous either. But after the fact, when it's all said and done, there is an endorphinatic high that really is unrivaled. It's definitely such an amazing thing to me to discover how the Lord has made our bodies to thrive on what is good for us and what is going to help us both now and in the future.

_________

But as I have now traversed this path of shedding baby weight after 8 full term pregnancies, I have come to the slow realization that there is NO encouragement for moms of large families out there where fitness is concerned. The reality does not seem to exist that one does possess the ability to get back into shape...to feel good, look good and gain or regain confidence in your outer appearance.

_________

This all translates into...when you feel good about yourself from a physical standpoint then that feeling integrates into every other area of your life. It's so, so, so very much more than the obsession with the scale and the outer physical appearance...so much deeper. It's about liking who you are, self acceptance and knowing that you have done everything you can to honor the Lord with what He has given you in your body. I know for me, it's about taking time out to do something for which I am going to reap rewards in myself. Among the rewards reaped are, obviously, physical fitness and appearance, but also rewards in personal character, and confidence within myself.

_________

I have discovered that character is one of the most important aspects needed in order to begin and stick with any form of a physical activity routine. But, it is also developed further and greatly strengthened in ways very few other things are capable of doing as you force yourself to stay consistent with it. Very few of the women you see are in shape because they absolutely love taking time to work out and thrive on the feelings of physical exertion. Character is crucial. Self discipline ranks at the top of the list along with others that follow, such as persistence, diligence, determination, commitment, patience. It's time out of the day that I am not giving 110% of myself to meeting others' needs. Even Jesus took breaks from ministering to the masses. I get into a rut of ministering to my masses 24/7 without ever lifting my head for a breath. And I love this. I am continually in awe of my life but it is very easy to get stuck in the rut of just carrying out the days in a joyful yet very robotic manner of routine and forever doing nothing for one's self...especially when there are so many at young ages with needs having to be met.

_______

I have also slowly come to realize that when one takes the time out of their day to work out they really are in a form of worship to the Lord. It is honoring Him and physical worship of Him with my body..not worship OF my body but worship USING my body...to praise Him and rejoice in His perfect creation...me! Keeping it healthy is to honor Him along with also honoring Him by exercising the many character traits that are required when one overcomes self. As one overcomes the complaints of the body and overcomes negative thoughts, one rises above all and requires submission of self. Everything encompassed in self discipline is put into practice.

_________

In taking time out to focus on your wellbeing and invest in your own life, stepping away from the constant demands only for an hour a day, it revitalizes, renews and rights the perspective on life...especially on particularly hard days. It is time in which I require myself to leave every other thing that beckons and do something that focuses on self discipline...which is entirely hard to do when you've got this many kids. I've had to improvise and find a way to integrate them into this routine while still taking the time to do what needs to be done for the health and self-perception of my body.

_________

It's so much more than having somebody say, "Oh...you don't look like you've had 10 kids!!!" It's about energy , feeling good, building character, confidence and feeling sexy so I know my husband wants to ravish me in the bedroom. It's about inhibitions deminishing and not having to have a towel plastered to you if he's around. It's about having the confidence within yourself to prance around the bedroom naked in front of him without a care in the world.

________

It's the freedom most women long for but think is unattainable for them, for whatever reason, coupled with many different excuses or perceived convictions of not putting focus on outward appearance. I see this most prevalently in the large family, homeschooling realm of moms. I hear, rather often, of their lack of time, busyness of schedules, exhaustion, weariness, life demands, and, even recently, the fact that it is putting focus on outward appearance where focus does not belong.

________

I've noticed from my upbringing in the Bill Gothard movement and present affiliation with the women of Above Rubies, No Greater Joy, ATI, Vision Forum, and others, how bound up the large family mentality is in legalism. Especially with regard to outward appearence and modesty. It is becoming painfully clear to me as an adult having come from that type of past, and as a present parent, that many of these moms are living by others' convictions rather than their own. It seems that the purity of their heart in desiring morality for their own family was somehow lost in the current of what everyone else is doing and the perceived standards that they feel must be lived up to within this movement. I do not in any way doubt that these families do indeed have convictions of modesty and not placing focus on outward appearance. The legalism comes into focus when judgement begins to take place of others failing to adhere to the same convictions the group as a whole has set for themselves. It seems to be a conviction cookie cutter mold in which you are judged based on how perfectly you fit.

________

The point is, when you take on the convictions of others that were not intended for you, you then miss the convictions God designed and intended for you personally and sight of the bigger picture is completely lost. God's convictions are individually designed and designated for the individual person for the purpose of dealing with a heart issue or issues in that specific man, woman, couple and family. It is their testimony, their own personal life story that He is continually shaping and transforming into His likeness. Taking on a conviction God has placed in someone else only serves to rob you of the God ordained freedom you have in Him.

________

Here's an example, if God tells a woman in your church not to wear make-up for the next year to deal with an issue of vanity in her, does it mean that you also should not wear make-up for the next year so that your own vanity will be dealt with? I say no. The reason is that unless God has decided that it's time for your issue of vanity to be dealt with then you're just operating out of a false conviction and legalism. And perhaps there's not even a spirit of vanity within you that needs to be dealt with...so the entire purpose is completely lost on your life and you have inflicted yourself and your family with false expectations, false standards and bondage from a yoke that God never intended for you to carry. This ultimately hinders your relationship with the Lord and your family's walk.

_________

That being said, it seems to me that in these circles, worth and legitimacy is based how many cups of flour you can grind a day, how many jars of jelly you bubbled up, and how many gallons of raw milk was hand milked from your cow at 5 am this morning. It also seems your worth is tied into how far advanced your children are in apologetics (I firmly believe children need to be grounded, in an unshakeable way, in apologetcis but when it becomes a competetion as to who's children are more advanced and who uses the better curriculum all is, once again, lost). It's not about proving your ability or achieving god-like parental status by the fact your infant's butt has never seen a "polluted", "toxic", "chemically drenched" disposable diaper or who saved their husband more money by using cloth, how none of your children have ever sucked down a bottle of brain altering formula, or how you are still tandem nursing a 4 year old, 2 year old and newborn. And, most amazing to me, worth is not determined by whether you're going to fly into the pearly gates with a skirt and acceptable shirt on. It seems that the undercurrent in these realms is that you are sure to be condemned to hell if you have ever had the audacity to put on a pair of jeans or your shirt hugged a little. That whole theory needs to be expanded on to such greater depth. Another post for another day.

__________

Furthermore, worth and legitimacy are not based on your view of circumcision and whether you live by the New Testament belief that God circumcises the heart, or you follow Old Testament law and have only a Jewish Rabbi perform the circumcision. To that end, it's not even based on which is right...Old Testament or New. To reach that conclusion would take a whole other post that would only end in what the Lord has laid specifically on your's and your husband's personal heart for your children.

_________

It's not based on how long you can cosleep, who's had the family bed the longest and how many children sleep between you and your husband or in the same bedroom with you. And, most importantly, it's not based on judgement of those who do not live up to YOUR convictions, standards, or ideas.

_________

I'll admit that I about had a fit when I discovered The Great Stomach Reveal post lovingly and entirely innocently posted to my facebook account by Grayson.....oldest son...who is so amazingly proud of me for what I have accomplished. Son that cannot for the life of him understand why I refused to make it facebook public. He saw that I did not log out and seized the opportunity to publicly welcome praise and encouragement over the progress made so far. I then had to explain to him that I have some 300 friends on facebook and have a mere 5 blog readers. And those on FB do not really have a choice in reading what one puts on there, as it posts status updates through the news feed, though someone has to intentionally come to the blog and read...and they're always welcome to stop and not come back if they don't like what they read or see. Same with facebook, I suppose. You can always unfriend somebody. But, there again, 300 vs 5. Blog feels just a little safer. I feel that my 5 loyal blog readers know what to expect from me, do not judge, and since I could care less about making an impression on here it's just a lot of dry humor, random ramblings, pondering the ways of the Lord, and my continual transformation of who I was into who He is creating me to be...and finding absolute freedom as I learn to live in Him.

__________

But as I searched for answers to the cause of my great inner disturbance over this new turn of events, I had to face the reality of my paralyzing fear. Of my 300 friends 298 of them are large family, homeschooling, Vision Forum/Bill Gothard/ATI/Above Rubies/No Greater Joy, skin is sin, turtlenecks to tennis shoes, no attention drawn to figure ever, friends. And, having been raised from 3rd grade into adulthood with these types of people and understanding the extreme propensity to judge, I knew of these 298 friends 297 of them would have a coronary over the blog post picture displayed and now lovingly broadcast in my profile picture as well. I also knew that instead of being the encouragement it was intended to be for discouraged moms struggling with body image after babies, it would instead invite great judgement from some, resulting in noses being turned up and loss of "status" within the large family realms. Common thought being that someone so apparently immodest would corrupt them, thereby causing them to run around wildly while half naked as well. I know that not all, but indeed most, saw the pic and that I have now been relegated to the nose bleed section of heaven due to my testimony on earth being less than pristine and I might've potentially "caused" a man to sin. Since they are so "esteemed" because of their convictions and standards and have drawn their own lines of what is "acceptable" and what is not, I have been judged. I know this due to a few less than acceptable emails and the immense silence of the remaining ones. I knew it would come if it was ever put out there...and it did. Out of over a hundred moms within this movement that I am in contact or acquainted with a mere three responded, commented or encouraged between facebook and this blog combined. Three did not judge. And three let themselves be encouraged.

__________

Three looked deep enough to know that my heart is not in it to go out there and see how many men I can attract, how much attention I can draw, how much skin I can show. Those three saw that I am not seeking to bounce around and flaunt it all. But, therein lies the key to it all....my heart is to encourage all of the moms out there that need it so badly concerning areas that no one ever seems allowed to touch in this cultish type of modern day Ma Ingalls. It seems, too, that if you admit to taking more than an hour of your day to work out you are pushed even farther away...cause there is, again, an underlying current that you are focused on body and outward appearance too much...which is vanity.

________

To be immediately and silently condemned for the cardinal sin of posting a picture like the one taken of me as vain, immodest, or both, is wrong at best. They may have convictions of that in their own personal life but are they really their own??? Or did someone TELL them that these are the convictions in which you must live by and that everyone else must live by also???

_________

I have come to realize over the years as I have desperately sought encouragement, weight loss success stories and picture journeys of large family moms that have toned up and lost it all that these stories and pictures do not really publicly exist. No one ever puts it out there and no one seriously ever posts real life pictures. And the more open and honest I became on the blog the more I was privately bombarded by desperate moms looking for a success story that shows the reality, honesty, and hope that what lies beneath the clothes can be sexy. Women long to know that the battle scars of bearing children have not destroyed their sex appeal. I think most women assume that toning up and looking fit is a lost cause for them after 4 or 5 or more kids. Some lose hope after 2. They envision gnarly, wrinkled, puddled skin, rolls of fat that can no longer be shed, muscle tone dissipated for life, bulging varicose veins, unsexy dimpled skin...the "baby ravaged" body of a mother. My intent is to demonstrate that this mind-set is false. We don't have to go around carrying a secret burden that we're all afraid to talk about under the guise of modesty and vanity.

_________

I have all of that. I have the puddled skin, I have the fading yet ever present varicose veins, I still have the 10 lbs to go. I have the dimpled, massive thighs. I have real life in a very real imperfect body. But I want women to know what it can look like...and see what they can make of it. It doesn't have to be the hidden baggage that weighs the heart down as we all sit around and suffer in silence. Indeed you don't have to bare it all for the world as I have chosen to do...but you can know that it's possible to do something about it and then feel good about it, and that it's OK to feel good about it. Someone desperately needs to let it be known that caring for your physical body and feeling good about yourself is not vanity but something that is God given in every woman. He put it there for a reason. He instilled in us a deep desire to be absolutely beautiful and mesmerizing to our husbands.

__________

I have learned through my own husband, over the course of many years, that confidence, when he speaks adoration of the beauty he sees in me, makes me irresistable to him. When I refrain from turning him away or dismissing his words with negativity, it is acceptance and aknowledgement on my part that he did choose his woman well and his taste as a man is impeccable. My husband has said over and over again in our marriage "Insecurity about yourself and your body is about the unsexiest thing ever. When you continually run yourself and your body down you are eluding to the fact that my desire and choice in the woman I have is less than ideal." I'd never looked at it before like that until I saw it through his eyes. And he is so amazingly right. To not believe his words, fail to accept his compliments or resist his joy of what he has in me as his wife is to silently tell him he has bad taste in the choices he has made in life and that God has given Him something that is less than ideal.

_________

We are challenged to be sexy and stay sexy for our husbands. Song of Solomon wouldn't even exist in the Bible if sex appeal was not one of the many facets of a relationship that keeps it healthy. It is about keeping yourself up but, so much more than that, it's about the confidence you have in yourself as a woman....and that includes, to a great degree, physical body and appearance. Confidence in your physical appearance is a serious issue. No matter how vain and awful the "focus on the Lord and not your appearance" movement seems to make it, confidence in your body is not a sin and it is not vanity. It is not a sin to work towards a goal for your body and then be amazed by what you have accomplished. It is an area that so desperately needs to be addressed.

_________

There is balance in everything. Exclusively focusing on yourself and your body would wreak havoc and would undoubtedly be a problem. But forsaking your body to only "focus on the Lord" is just as wrong...as we are specifically instructed to take care of our body, as it is the Holy temple He has given us and we are to honor Him with it. And a mortal man....your husband more specifically...enjoys beauty. God created that within him. Nobody wants to be with a down and out wife that's depressed about her self image. So therefore caring about appearance is not vanity and is not a sin...but is actually an act of maintaining your marital realtionship and honoring the Lord with your body. God created men to chase after what they find beautiful. So it's safe to say that being concerned enough with your appearence to be chaseable is not vanity but rather the further and continued cultivation of your relationship with your husband. To reiterate, yet once more, it's not about how many rolls you have or what the little digital numbers read out in the privacy of your bathroom...it's about confidence in yourself and your body, for him and for the betterment of the quality of your life. It is far reaching and affects so many areas in a woman's life. It's about confidence, not appearance. But with the perfectly designed way God created a woman to be and the innate desire within her to be pleasing to the eye for her husband and present herself well in public it does come back around to appearance.

__________

So let there be no judgement over pictures and what one chooses to wear...or not to wear. This is to encourage the ones so desperate for a real life story. One of the most absolutely amazing works God has done in my life over the years we have been married, and more specifically over the last 5 or so years, is to just be me and live by the convictions He has placed on Brad's and my personal heart for the growth and wellbeing of our own little family. And it's ok to be different and to have different perspectives and different convictions than others. It's ok to take a picture in your running bra and jeans if the Lord has not personally laid it upon your heart to keep neck to toe covered. I do not judge those in any way that choose to do skirts and dresses, or even those that wear jeans, and keep everything covered in their definition of modesty, based on what they feel the Lord has laid upon their hearts. What I do question at times is the authenticity of some of their "convictions" and the arrogance that seems to accompany such thinking. Away from the peer pressure of living up to the "standards", do these convictions really exist for them personally as well as their family? Hypocrisy and legalism take place when people that feel the freedom to live differently, by what they feel is acceptable in their own walk, are judged. The ones being judged are on their own journey in their personal relationship with the Lord just as the ones judging claim to be.

_________

What few seem to understand is the freedom that comes in walking away from specific areas if you discover your heart is not truly there. I'm so amazed by the mothers that manage to make bread for their families and have a desire, anointing and grace to do this. But it's also ok that I don't have it. Just as every man is not called to be the pastor of a church...so it goes with every woman not being called to rise and make bread. And just as men each have their many differing vocations so do women in the home have their many differing areas of ministry. As I struggled for many years to make bread, do organic, sew clothes, adore cooking, wear skirts, nurse babies and cosleep, among many other things, I wore myself out. Somewhere in there I lost myself in everybody else's convictions and their specific areas of grace as I was trying to apply them all to me.

__________

So, I eventually sat, and I was still, and I quit everything. I've come to know that He is God and He is faithful to tell Brad and I what is right for our personal family. When I walked away from the legalism and the judgement by failing to meet "minimum standards" and expectations of it all....I found me. In finding me, the rest was stripped away and the Lord was then able to open up the doors of our life and invite the extraordinary in...because my focus had shifted back to Him instead of the sheer burden of the works and the weight of having to live up to everybody else's expectations and convictions. Therefore, I am free! There is no testimony of your own when you are living by everybody else's standards. Freedom. It's an absolutely beautiful, amazing thing. And, sadly, it is something very few people know anything about.

_________

So, I tackle the truth in my running bra and tight jeans because I can, because I am free, because I do not fear judgement anymore and because someone needs to do it. Because there is an entire society of women out there that desperately need the encouragement where their body is concerned. They need to know what is possible and what their body is capable of achieiving even after bearing many babies. Someone desperately needs to let it be known that it is not vain to be confident in yourself and to want to look good. I do this because somebody needs to say it's ok to want sex appeal for your husband. Your body can do it....even after ten children.