More Boringness

For lack of any other better title. Cause that's about what it is at this rate. Life and the happenings of us. Why people want to read this crap I'm not quite sure...but if it amuses, read on. After the past year we just survived it seems as though each post is a bit over the top on the boring scale...except, of course, those about weight issues. But I'm glad for boring. Normal, routine life is a good thing...a very good thing. I would rather a hundred times over have nothing to write about than all of the issues I have had to document over the past year. So, boring is a blessing.



My lazy Sunday morning consisted of not waking until 8am instead of the usual 7am, thanks to daylight savings. One may be robbed of an hour but at least it looks like you got to sleep late in the deal. So I awoke to go dig 3 dvds out of the Blue-ray, moved on to clean up the dumped out bag of pretzels all over the floor and then on from there to tackle the spilled cup of water all over the kitchen counter. I think by the time one reaches this point in life they become an expert at digging all kinds of crap out of VCR's and DVD players. It took all of less than 5 minutes to correct the 3 dvd problem. In my parenting years I have successfully dug toast, Cheerios, peanut butter and honey sandwiches, matchbox cars, toy guns, and babydoll bottles out of VCR players...along with a whole myriad of other things that I probably could recall if I thought long enough. As for DVD and CD players, I've dug mostly flat graham crackers and way too many discs out of those. I think 7 at one time has been our record....and that required the help of technical husband that actually managed to be entirely successful at it without harming the device. That one amazed me since my impatience had already gotten the better of me long before he had ever accomplished his mission. I was of the opinion that if you bashed it long enough, drop kicked it out the door down some concrete steps or took a hammer to it the discs were bound to be freed at some point in the deal. They were eventually set free by a more patient than I husband without any harm done to any of the items involved. Amazing what patience will accomplish. I wouldn't know because I never seem to get to that point.



Bunny trails. Back to this morning. After washing little hands of dog poop...I didn't even desire to know how that one came about but since we seem to have an abundance of both dog poop and little hands going it wasn't all that surprising......I'd already had my fill of the day in only an hour's worth of time. So, as any health conscious parent does, I loaded everybody up and we headed off to eat the breakfast of champions....nothing less than donuts. Nothing quite like a solid disc of sugar to heal the few still ailing and power boost the immune system. We slowly worked our way home doing less than the speed limit just to perturb the rest of the world and watch them grow irritated at our daycare van presumed to be chalked full of daycare children....on a Sunday, yes. I never cease to be amazed by the number of stupid people in this world. Am I a daycare provider.....um, sure....on a Sunday with the rest of the daycare facilities open in the world. Recently I was asked if I run an orphanage. Seriously, people...an orphanage???? But, whatever. Let's see....what else? I was guessed the other day for 22 years old and commended for my heroic deeds of running a foster home to so many at my young age. Awhile back I was asked how I manage so many younger brothers and sisters. I was guessed for 20 and how great it is that these were all my nieces and nephews and how blessed they'll be for having an aunt that is willing to keep them all at one time. Then the last time we did a town day Brad was asked how many are our's and how many are foster. Though we haven't said anything about this baby to all of the amused when we're out I did gleefully announce that we had just discovered the upcoming arrival of yet another baby. That was for sheer shock value, of course....and it was worth the reaction, as always.



So it is that we only perturbed the city travelers hell bent on doing 95 through the nowhere areas of Texas. All of the locals with their big ole cowboy hats and even bigger trucks were doing 60 right along with us enjoying the absolutely beautiful, 81 degree, lazy spring Sunday. If anything grew here I might go plant a garden or some flowers or something. I suppose I could go plant a cactus or two to add to the 200 we've already got going. But anyway, so it was that our presumed daycare crew laughed and chatted all the way home with our 2 dozen healthy sprinkle donuts and 2 dozen donut holes. My food loving stomach couldn't even tolerate the thought of donuts so my twisty donut was eagerly devoured by a bunch of little guys thrilled with the fact people can actually "braid" a donut. I managed to get down a little less than half a cup of banana nut coffee...which wasn't so great given the fact I despise banana flavored anything. Why I got it...who knows. So, unbeknownst to me, little coffee loving boys finished that off too. So much for a nap anytime in the near future. I suppose it's no wonder they're currently setting record heights on the trampolines. Actually, I think they've moved on to the slide and have successfully dish soaped it up, attached the water hose to it and are now sliding down it in their jeans at breakneck speeds.



With vortex spraying husband having been gone this entire past week on his 96 and now back on shift today it leaves the day free to do pretty much anything. It's not imperative house stay straight and clean and nothing really seems to have an immediate need for attention. If I can get to a point where I can actually move without being overcome with nausea the plan is to vacuum out the van once the children are done cleaning it out and then remove the 4th row seat. Tomorrow is a town day and the 4th seat has begun to be claustrophobic once more. Way too much stuff with nowhere to go. So, I'll see if we can't manage to accomplish that this afternoon. I've actually thought that if there were 2 in there by some miracle this time around that the 4th row would then be mandatory...unless we could rig a system up like friends have done that enables them to now move the longer 4th row seat up to take the place of the shorter 3rd row seat......perfectly fitting 3 on the first row, 3 on the 2nd and then 4 on the 3rd for a grand total of 10.



On the twin note......I rarely let my mind wander to the thought of twins in a pregnancy anymore due to the fact that with 3 single babies before twins and 3 single babies after twins I highly doubt they will occur again. But given how sick and exhausted I have been it does leave the mind to wonder at times. The argument on that one......I wasn't sick once with my twin pregnancy yet have been this entirely sick with 2 of the single girl pregnancies I have had. So, it pretty much rules the twin debate out on that one. And I'm not nearly big enough right now for there to be 2 in there. Then given the fact it took so many days to ever get a positive test result even furthers the fact there is indeed just one healthy growing baby....and growing away it is, obvious by the outrageous nausea that is having to be dealt with. The midwife did question us as to what our plan is if we were to discover twins again, but that is asked every pregnancy just to cover the bases and have a plan in mind if it were to occur. For the curious....the answer????? We'd have them right here at home, as planned...much to the dismay of the world.



Statistics say that once you are over the age of 30 or 35...depends on where you get your info as to what age is given.....that your chances of twins increase. Stats also say that a large number of previous pregnancies also increases one's chance and then once you've had a fraternal set you're something like twice as likely to have another set. I also found that women frequently conceive twins after a miscarriage due to imbalanced hormones still being so out of whack. So.....who knows. I doubt it but there's always a small chance in there. I'm just exceedingly glad for one baby after thinking there may never be even one more. I also am skeptical of anymore twins due to the fact that the boys were conceived after royally messing up the order in which I was taking the birth control pill. Firefighting husband lost his job, no insurance coverage, no refills on medications....then unexpected pregnancy. In all of my wisdom I just began taking leftover, forgotten pills of what I had on hand. Not knowing any semblance of order really mattered I quickly figured out that it really kinda did when a positive pregnancy test popped up at what seemed like the worst timing in the world. 12 weeks later we assumed I had miscarried since problems within the pregnancy occurred. A sonogram at 14 wks shocked us all by revealing not just one but 2 very active, healthy babies. According to the dr, the messed up order in which the pills were taken resulted in my hormones going into hyper drive and releasing more than one egg. Thus.....twins.



Given the fact there are no twins on my side of the family....except for a fraternal set of girls my 1st cousin had a year later....the likelihood of conceiving them again is small. So, my mind doesn't dwell there. It used to. In fact, it used to be all that I could focus on in a pregnancy and was actually and admittedly, disappointing to finally have an ultrasound with each successive one after the boys and have it only reveal 1. But, honestly and in all truth.....I rarely let my mind wander there anymore. I think after what we have been through I am humbled and amazed we are even pregnant again to begin with. And, dare I say......though I would absolutely more than anything love to have another set.....I am grateful for the workload of only 1. Thoughts of nursing 2 again make me tired just thinking about it. Lots and lots of long nights. That is, really, the only thing that seems daunting at the thought of having 2 again. I never really succeeded at tandem nursing so it was that I nursed one at a time...and I nursed and I nursed and I nursed. All day long and all night long. For a 9 month period in my life I actually mooed and had thoughts of legally changing my name to Bessie. But that time in life passed....as they all seem to so quickly do.



So, when I think of twins, it does make me a little tired. But I also know that it will be drastically different if we were to do it again. We no longer are surviving commuting years with absent husband gone 10 days at a time and only home for 3 while I try to manage a 6, 3 and 18 month old with newborn twins...and keep a house, and do all of the errand running and all of the grocery shopping alone with them all.....which I did and actually became very amazingly good at. By the end of it all I had even mastered the art of taking all 5 of them everywhere with me from dr's appts to shopping to major grocery trips. We had a system in place and I found through those years that one is given the grace to rise to the occasion and whatever is called of them at the time. God is good and merciful and though those were some of the hardest years we have ever survived we found a way to make it all work. Twins would be different now and I do know that to some degree. Many more children, lots of older ones, chores divided into groups in which they are all accomplished. Wash stays both done and folded, dishes stay done, floors stay clean, bathrooms are not too disgusting. Lots more help loading and unloading into vehicles, traveling, and just living on the go in general. So, if it were to ever happen again we would be blessed beyond measure. But if it does not I am grateful for my one at a time babies and the ease in which I can wear them, backpack them, sleepywrap them, load and unload them, travel with them, feed them and so on.



Now that I have successfully wasted away the afternoon while children dish soap their way down slides and across trampolines I will attempt to go vacuum out the van and remove the strange and foreign petri dish worthy fuzzies that are growing within. Ok....not really. That one even grosses me out. But I will go supervise to make sure the petrified Chik Fil A chicken , bread that's been mistaken for rocks, wienies that have turned illegal colors and trampled goldfish have found their way into a trash sack and the way has been paved for my vacuuming endeavors. Then I, in all of my superman like strength, will attempt to remove all of the seats with a ton of Grayson's help and vacuum it out like a hotel...since it is, afterall, the size of a hotel when all seats have been evacuated. Then we will again hoist 3 of the 4 100 lb seats back up into it and ready it for tomorrow's town day. Then perhaps I will move on to cut all 5 of the boys' hair since I am not so fond of toting fuzzy headed little ewoks around town with me.



So, onward to productiveness......maybe.

The Reality of Commitment

Well, I seriously underestimated what a toll being pregnant would take this time around. I pretty much failed to plan in the severe exhaustion, and the extent of the morning sickness has taken me a little by surprise, as I am one who rarely is affected by it.....unless it's a girl. So, maybe that just means we have a little Charlye growing within. Who knows. I do know that in my one and only attempt to get out and run it was quickly thwarted with a trip back down the road and to the toilet. Not exactly sure why I didn't see fit just to puke on the side of the road ...suppose I was worried about the few and far between passer-bys and the hundreds of eyes this tiny town seems to possess. And though I should've pressed through it and kept going and was, in fact, acutely aware of that....I didn't. It didn't help that once I returned home last weekend it seemed a few had come down with a little fever. Nothing major but enough to interrupt our daily routine. It ran through the 1st two and then a couple days later ran through another 2 and then as the week passed pretty much all 8 of them had contracted it a couple at a time. And by yesterday I wasn't feeling so grand myself. Fever and cold compounded on top of all day morning sickness seems to take a small toll on one's body. Hard working husband has either been on shift or vortexing so he's been home very little throughout the last week. With the worst of the little virus having made its way through everybody and tons of juiced veggies, garlic and grapefruit seed extract we are now all pretty much on the mend. Now if my energy level would improve I think we'd be pretty much back to our routine. I'm thinking I'm just going to go suck it up and run later today. Maybe the running in and of itself will help breed energy instead of sapping it away like you think it will do. The adrenaline dump that always comes from a good workout is quite addictive and actually boost the energy levels enough to usually get me through the remainder of the day. The hard part is overcoming the exhaustion enough to get to that point. So the reality has begun to sink in of just how large the commitment is to run through this pregnancy. But I am highly driven, motivated and quite the determined one so I shall prevail..for does it not say that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...sometimes in a very literal sense and also when the cruel mind games and the "I can'ts" seem to overwhelm the brain. Not only can I do this but I will do this. So I rise to my feet in an effort to keep my butt from growing wider by the day and in an effort to train my mind to overcome the obstacles and my body to submit to the demands made of it and the things required of it. I am committed to this and I will not fall back nor will I regress. So it is that I press forth and overcome myself in order to honor my commitment and keep the goal in sight.



We met with the new local midwife this past week and immediately bonded and feel in love with her. She is the answer to some of our most fervent prayers while living here. No more back and forthing to Dallas, no more trying to figure it all out, no more traveling while in active labor and no more babies arriving unassisted on the bathroom floor.....though he, by far, has been the best birth. It's exciting. We will end up being able to have a sonogram with this baby. It's been tentatively scheduled for late May around the 18 week milestone. The plan was to go without one this time around but endearing impatient husband cannot stand the 9 month gender wait and after the last pregnancy I just want to get to the huge milestones of hearing a sweet, strong heartbeat and then finally being able to see a healthy, growing baby flourishing within. We were given the option of an earlier sonogram to reassure us wit this baby having just been through everything we have but after discussing we both opted on a later one when we could also find out gender as well. I think for the first time since finding out my heart is beginning to quicken at the thought of a baby again and the distance I felt is beginning to be replaced with excitement and love for this tiny person we have yet to know. Thoughts I have pushed and shoved to the back are beginning to come forward and take shape....questions as to who this baby is, what it will look like and just who it will be, as the wall of fear is slowly torn down and the attachment and bond begins to grow.


I will work on again becoming more regular about posting. I am feeling less than creative and lack massive amounts of enthusiasm in most everything right now as I fight off exhaustion. But as I work on overcoming so will I work on being more consistent on this end of our life. God is doing such great things. Great and mighty things are taking place within our lives. Change. Blessed change. How great is our God.

Picture Journey - 7 weeks

It seems that everytime I look up it's already Wed again. So....here we go again with pictures. And, for the record, I just figured I'd do it in the same clothes every week so it's easier to gage any kind of growth at all.

Last week at 6 weeks

Today at 7 weeks...definitely growing, I think.
Closer with a serious lack of enthusiasm...but definitely getting bigger. The fact that I puked before and after this is kinda evident by the look...but it's all good.

Of Skunks and More Deer Encounters

I'm thinking that the deer guard actually pulled out the missing patch of his hair and that's what's coating the whole guard. So, so thankful for front end replacement guards, as it would've cratered the whole front end of his truck and probably totaled it.

At the moment I'm seriously fighting off massive urges of revisiting everything I have eaten today..despite the fact I have eaten in tiny quantities so this would not happen. But given my current state of wellbeing, the lack of creativity I am feeling is probably going to be widely evident in this post. If the content is overwhelmingly boring know that this too shall pass and once my normalness returns I should be back to my old self....hopefully.



This past weekend held a spontaneous trip to the Above Rubies ladies retreat after some hasty planning and arrangements for children were made. I will say that I expected to go and just be encouraged a little.....getting away from the kitchen for awhile and thoughts of the fact I would've been holding a baby boy this week. I came away so entirely blessed and absolutely amazed over how loved our family is by people I have never even met face to face. I'm not sure I ever realized just how many people read this blog and how many families there are praying for us, loving us, and following us in this little mundane thing called life. I suppose I just assumed I had my little group of 32 readers and that was about it. I always feel so small and inconsequential when I see massive, commercialized blogs with anywhere from 130 to up to as many as 700 readers. It comforts me though since I fear that if I ever had that many I would feel pressured to "produce" something or write more often than I do. Some weeks I'll write anywhere from 3-4 days a week and others...as evident by this past one....I'll manage to get around to it once. Life happens. Pretty days. Happy children. No reason to sit in front of computer for hours. But, not only was I blessed by the encouragement and ideas I always receive from other like minded mothers but I also was able to see just how many families are praying for us....loving us..and how many of you there were to meet and with which to bond. I am blessed beyond words by the dear friends that were made. So many of you I wanted to spend so much more time with...to talk to for so much longer than I did.



Returning home with rescue driving husband on shift I gathered the children up from their dearly beloved babysitter's home where they played nonstop with their crew of 10 children. It took no less than half an hour of calling for them and digging them out of acres and acres of pastures to finally all be on our way home. Finally arriving at the van door and talking excitedly the smell of nastiness abounded. With all of the little guys loaded the 3 older ones piled in and as they piled the stench, grew and grew.....and grew. Apparently boys armed with an arsenal of weapons took out a very real live skunk....and when shooting a real live skunk they apparently spray upon death. And every one of the older 3 happened to be down wind when he went off. Only 5 miles into our journey home....if that....every head except their 3 were hanging out windows...despite rain......and gasping for any amount of fresh air we could get. The skunk seriously might as well have been in the van with us. Once unloaded and only minutes into settling back home the house began to wreak. Where they were skunkiness prevailed. Bad doesn't even begin to do what I survived justice. No surprise that the van still smells like skunk. They, in all of their joy, seemed to be completely oblivious to this fact and felt it was a huge injustice when 20 minute baths were mandated for all of them. The vet's miracle skunk potion ironically works on children too. A cup of baking soda added to bath water, Dawn dish soap for hair and body...3 times over. Then rinsing with fresh water. It did the trick and while they brillo-ed off I prepared a late dinner before bedding everybody down and climbing wearily into bed myself.



Brad returned home early yesterday morning and called me out to show off yet more deer damage. Kickapoo, 60 miles an hour coming out of the valley, topping the hill, 4 deer on the run, early morning sun , head on straight into it. Despite the fact his diesel truck sports a huge front end replacement specifically for deer purposes it still did damage, so hard was the impact. It managed to sheer 2 bolts off underneath the truck due to it having bent the guard backwards. When being bent backwards it cracked the chrome that surrounds the front end grid air intake where both places of impact frmo guard into truck were made. The buck's small rack swung around and took out the front driver's headlight and shattered the yellow blinker/hazard light within. And the guard was nicely and disgustingly covered in a thick layer of deer hair....along with tiny chunks of deer gut to compliment it all and nicely round out the whole effect. So...as any family with tons of enthused kids would do, we loaded all of the children up and drove the 2 miles back to the sight, took pictures and hunted down his antler to add to the boys' collection. With older 6 piled up in the bed of the truck the dark luminous clouds decided about that time to pour forth. So in the midst of the torrential downpour we hastily finished our antler search and threw remaining kids within truck. So, we now had a total of 10 people, bunkergear, all sorts of misc vortex equipment and the abundant source of trash that seems to always occupy not so organizational husband's truck all within the cab of a Dodge quad cab. The 2 miles home were filled with thunder, lightening, lots and lots of laughter and a bit of claustrophobia. The rain left puddles that children seem to just naturally gravitate to...thus the pictures. And these were taken after lunch after they'd already been cleaned up once. They are mild in these pics compared to the 1st cleaning up session they endured. Garrett's feet and ankles were so caked with mud that I actually had to brillo pad him off that night in the bathtub.

He actually plays guns with this...and still manages to kill off all of the bad guys. He sleeps with it, he plays with it, he sticks it in his pocket and it has been his absolute favorite gun for days. Amazingly, it has yet to get lost.

Not exactly sure what was going on with Garrison here but it's still a funny picture. Gavin was way too busy running through puddles to pose for a picture.

The Simple Woman's Daybook

The Simple Woman's Daybook

Outside my window.....barking dogs, clucking chickens and busy, sticky children all climbing the sap tree

I am thinking.....that oneday when we win the lottery...despite the fact we don't play it....that we'll be moving to Missouri. 4 bdrm, 3.5 ba, 7,000 sq ft, all hardwood and tile, 110 acres, 2 ponds, barn. And it rains there so the grass grows and we could have a cow, dairy goats, horses, and donkeys again and we wouldn't spend our life savings on chicken feed cause there's actually stuff on the ground for them to eat there.

I am thankful for.....the fact that our house is only 1,800 sq ft and so easy to keep clean and for the fact that people make covered cat litter boxes so a little 16 mo old girl is no longer digging in cat litter. Yuck, yuck, yuck!!!!

I am wearing....jeans and an L.A. Fire Dept t-shirt, socks, no shoes

I am remembering......that I need to cut the boys' hair before this weekend and city council husband has a city council meeting tonight..and I haven't seen him all day

I am going......to try not to be overwhelmed by all of the ideas going through my head....homeschooling, organization, schedule, chores, things that need to be done, different ways I could do things, and on and on and on.

I am reading.....the inside of my eyelids. If I could stay awake long enough I might finish all the other books I've started.

I am hoping......to plant a garden this spring

I am hearing.......a very busy little 16 month old crunching up cat food and hollering at everybody else on the other side of the door to let her out too.

On my mind.....that oneday we will adopt from Colombia and the Philippines and maybe even Africa

Noticing that......despite the fact we did have a girls room and a boys room they are all back in one room again because they can't stand being separated. It's fine. Only one room to clean instead of two.

Pondering these words.....I'm too tired to ponder much of anything right now....but I like to think I ponder deep, meaningful stuff despite the fact it all eludes me at the present moment.

From the kitchen......brown rice and salmon with spinach salad

Around the house......open windows, wind blowing, clean bathrooms, organized closets, kinda clean floors and an overall productive day pretty much.

One of my favorite things.....places I've never been.....all of the unknown still waiting to be discovered

From my picture journal......does anybody want one???? Actually, the black one's already promised to Mother, the black and white sleeping one we're keeping and the awake one is up for grabs.

Picture Journey - 6 wks

5 weeks

6 weeks

Here's one from the same distance....kinda. I've actually lost weight...which is unheard of me for me in a pregnancy....since finding out I'm pregnant, so I think it's almost smaller. Between positive test and 5 wks I gained 4 lbs but between 4 wks and 5 wks I lost 8. So, who knows. Not what you want to see when one is wanting so desperately to see signs of growth in this tiny one. It started to shrink once we lost Gideon so now I focus on not being paranoid and obsessive about size. "God does not give us the spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 2 Tim 1:7. My verse for this pregnancy.

Still 6 weeks....just at closer range

So this is closer than last week's so it's hard to gauge any growth from the different distances. It kinda looks like it grew. Grow, sweet baby, grow!! I stuck my stomach out so it'd at least look a little bigger. Whether that's baby or not...who knows. I think it's just me sticking my stomach out there. But at least it looks like baby! And you gotta love the hole in the knit part of the jeans....my favorite jeans ever. I'm just not ready to retire them yet.

The Simple Woman's Daybook

The Simple Woman's Daybook



Outside my window.....glorious sun and a 70 degree day





I am thinking.....that I will not be defeated and that my very name, Katherine Nicole, means "pure" and "victorious".





I am thankful for......people who look far enough to see the heart....how much I love you and appreciate you...what an encouragement you are. And I am so entirely thankful for this blog....I began documenting my own personal journey, the joys and struggles of being a wife, mother and this thing called life, as a written heritage for our children.....but what an encouragement it has turned out to be in my life though people coming together to encourage and uplift us and share in our lives....through the fire and in the victory.





I am wearing......ohhhh, here we go again with this....spandex shorts w/ wind shorts over that and a tank top...and no makeup. So entirely romantic, huh?







I am remembering......that my arm REALLY wants a tattoo....a big tattoo





I am going.......to go do more wash and supervise children that have strayed from their schoolwork on this beautiful day.





I am reading.......Managers of their Home....yes, still. This Little Mommy Stayed Home...yes, still. And Running and Pregnancy....yep...still too. And....baby name books! Gatlin Wyatt or Warren Graham for a boy perhaps and Charlotte Miel (Charlye) or Lillye Katherine for a girl, maybe.





I am hoping.......in 2 or so weeks we can hear a longed for heartbeat





I am hearing.......Capture Me by Jeremy Camp and the incessant talking of a ton of excited little boys telling me the cat lovingly deposited a dead mouse on our doorstep.





On my mind......our growing baby.





Noticing that.......I used to let stuff bother me and the disapproval of others used to crush me....and now I don't give a crap because I am secure in who I am, I know where I have come from, I know the judgement and self righteous crap I still endure by my estranged sister, and because of that I now know that when others judge me it is no longer even worth my time or effort to defend myself or try to explain it all......because I know that the Lord sees and knows intimately the true intentions of my heart. And I am free!





Pondering these words......I shall be glorious, triumphant and an overcomer in the eyes of the Lord and He shall be my strength. Holy Fire burn away my desire for anything that is not of you and is of me. I want more of you and less of me. Empty me and fill me with You...the Author and Finisher of my faith...the Beginning and the End...how infinite and powerful You are. How full of mercy and grace You are. How faithful. How kind. How merciful. Let me glorify You in all that I do...in all that I say. Break me, mold me, shape me. Do Your work within me so that my heart may be above reproach. You have saved me. You have rescued me from brokenness. You healed my hurting heart and in You I am completely and totally made whole. In You I have the strength to lose the weight and keep it off. In you I have the power and the courage to walk away from relationships that continually result in heartache and destruction. In You I have the courage to be strong and conquer. My heart is urgently desperate for you. Be my thoughts. Be my words. Let Your Spirit be my conviction, my countenence, my words. I seek to honor You in all that I do....everything, God. Everything. Without You I am nothing. Without You I can accomplish nothing. Holy Spirit, come. Come, sweet Holy Spirit. It's not about me. It's all about You. Let me follow your ways and walk in the paths of righteousness.



From the kitchen......mustard.





Around the house......scrubbed toilets, mopped floors, clean bathrooms but a kitchen that still needs a thorough cleaning.





One of my favorite things........total and complete freedom, the ability to be transparent, and the confidence.....that has been a lifetime in coming.....to love myself and be who I am and what I am in every way.





From my picture journal.......my glamorous day job. So gross, so nasty...but bringing it all back down to reality. Apparently when 2 year old's are peeing into the toilet from a side angle and put pressure on urinary muscles it pressurizes the bowel muscles as well....that are not exactly aimed in the right direction. Don't enlarge this....it's just nasty! But it's good ole real life.

Alright, moving on

Okay. I don't know what to say except that I'm not going to apologize for my position. I laid my heart and past transparently out there and it has been entirely taken out of context and misconstrued. This is my blog, my thoughts, and my posts. If you chose to become offended then you obviously missed the point entirely and I can't help that. If you don't like what I publish, then don't read it. To drive my point home, I challenge all of you to walk from the bathroom to the bed completely nude in front of your husband and have marital relations with him with the lights ON tonight. It's a hard thing to do when you don't love yourself. If you can't do that then it's time to work toward making yourself into that person so you will have uninhibited freedom in your relationship with him. I know.....I'm intimately acquainted with both sides of that equation and the side I'm on now is exponentially better for both of us than the other side.

And for those of you that are just beginning, or perhaps are already on, your journey of health and fitness, I admire and respect your courage to take that first step. I know deeply how overwhelming and insurmountable it seems. "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step".

The Weighty Past

Note: Please read all the way to the end of the post. There has been a comment left that totally has mistaken what I was trying to convey. Hopefully once you reach the end my heart and motives will be evident to all. This was in no way meant to be a fat hating/fat bashing post...but inspirational and motivational in every way. Stating that if I have been on the end of needing to lose as much as 60 lbs and not even able to run a full 2 minutes upon beginning my journey that it is not insurmountable and impossible for anyone feeling overwhelmed by weight. I think I am still in awe over the fact that this body that has been so severely overweight in the past can transition and transform into a body that has born 8 amazing children to us but is also capable of running 2 miles....so very drastically far from where I started this journey. I will address it publicly as I have time to think through it. It is not my heart to be a stumbling block to anyone. I just sought to encourage. If you start this post please finish to the very end and know there was no condemnation in my heart in any way for any of you. I chose not to delete the comment or the post for those of you that have already seen it and perhaps had the same feelings as the commenter.

After posting all I have about running, workouts and my accomplishments in that realm of life I felt it only necessary to give some history as to my past life and the weight struggle that has always existed. My point...if I can do this, anyone can. I am so entirely NOT one of those people in life that has always been naturally skinny and athletic and just maintained throughout life....nor am I one of those people that has just always been easily within their weight range. I suppose that reason right there is what has motivated me to be as dedicated to this as I am and also birthed in me the desire to overcome and gain control of my body, of my weight, of all of life. My goal is to oneday write out my entire childhood and all the days in between young life and where blogging picks up. I do indeed have a life story to tell....but then don't we all??? But, in a nutshell, my teenage years were plagued with weight issues. Pretty large ones, actually. Life did not start out this way for me. Much like Evye and Aubrey, my sister and I were worlds apart in body types. She was the naturally thin, skinny, every man's dream person while growing up. Evye has the long, thin girly "feminine" body that America so easily portrays as what is acceptable and, in fact, the norm....the body every man desires. Aubrey is just like me, stout, solid and nothing but a solid wad of massive muscle mass. There is indeed not one ounce of extra unneeded fat on her body but, actually, an intricate maze of fat burning, powerful muscle mass. She can outrun, outlift and overpower everybody but Grayson in our group of children and all of her peers. But so different are Evye and Aubrey's body types that despite the fact they are both in size 10's they cannot share the same jeans due to waist and thigh size differences. I see in her every part of me when I was little. And she is not fat. My sister was the model quality girl of youth...and did, in fact, do some small scale modeling jobs. Every man and their dog proposed to her and there were just some cruel mean times that I survived throughout the years we grew up together. Men can just be mean and cruel...and when your ego is at stake one tends to side with the ego inducing part of life rather than the hurting heart closer to oneself. So, as I was continually shunned by these men over and again as they used me to go after her, got what they wanted and then treated me like crap I began to see myself as not just ugly but butt ugly, overweight and unacceptable and undesirable. Because of how quiet and shy I naturally was and the rejection and hurt buried so deeply within I began to retreat to my room and just read and eat. A way to escape the pain and live in an unreal, fantasy world. My dad took notice and as he saw the weight slowly creeping on became concerned and put me on my 1st, dr prescribed, all liquid diet at the age of 11....my older sister now 16 and coming into the glory days of her "man days". On my 4 wk all liquid diet I did lose weight but just managed to put it all back on...and then some. You know....the whole typical weight loss story of pretty much anyone and everyone. He went on to put me on more and more diets and by the end of it all I think I had been prescribed at least 10 different weight loss "cures" in about a 3 year time span. I was put on everything from numerous all liquid diets to pills to machines that did the weight loss workout for me to pretty much everything. The sad part.....I was not that overweight when it all began. But because of all of these interventions, the growing rejection suffered by both men and my ego starved sister and the havoc wreaked on my system by such extreme dieting I did gain....and gain I did. Men were a cruel, mean part of life. Never was I ever given a second glance. Even some used my neediness and attention starved heart to gain my affection only to get close to the family to go after my sister. This was in the worst of my parents' marriage and it all began to crumble. Divorce was imminent, sister was arrogantly dangling men from every finger she had, gleefully tossing around proposals and the men groveling at her feet, "one upping" me in every aspect of life. So I stuck with my younger brother and developed the sweet friendship that still exists even to this day....a bond that surpasses what most siblings will ever know. A true friend. And I had a best friend that I could go to for anything, a friend that also happened to be a "man hater" in life so we got along well and became inseparable. Oddly enough, we did nothing but read Christian romance novels dreaming of the day our prince charmings would come sweep us off of our feet, onto horseback and we would ride away into the sunset. In my dreams I was the beautiful waif of a girl, femininely built and every man's desire. Beautiful long hair trailing behind in the wind, perfect creamy complexion and as skinny and desirable as my sister. As I dreamed....I ate. Ironic and so entirely contradictory. At one point my dad returned home from work one evening and, standing at the top of our staircase, I overheard him ask if I had put on yet more weight. It devastated me and I went into seclusion, refusing to come out of my room for days. In an effort to makeup for the damage done the family created an "I Love Nikki Night" in which they took me to the most expensive restaurant in Dallas and gave me gifts in which to try and make up for the damage inflicted. It didn't work and I just grew angrier at all of life. I blamed God for making me fat, I hated my sister, I hated her obsession with men, I hated her self righteous ways, I hated my dad that only saw beauty in my sister, I hated men. I hated myself. I hated every man that looked past me in a vehicle to look at her. At one point a truck full of guys were so google-eyed they looked around me to stare her down. So mad at life was I that I stuck my face right in between them and obscured their view, opening my mouth wide and showing off the chewed up donut that occupied it. It's an infamous story within our family that lives on to this day. But the mouthfull shot served its purpose and got them to quit looking. My own mother was skinny and beautiful also. Men continually stared both mother and sister down....drooling as they went. At one point, the 3 of us went for some Mary Kay or Avon makeover crap and both mother and sister were asked on the spot to be models for the catalog. Makeover woman then casually and quite bluntly stated to the 3 of us that I was too heavy for modeling and my pores were too big...that my looks were not "catalog quality". My disdain for my own self was immeasurable. My disdain for life was great....and I was just getting fatter. I eventually topped out at almost 200 lbs at the age of 18 and held there for many years...until I had my first baby. Oddly enough, I only gained 15 lbs during my 1st pregnancy and was thinner than I had ever been in life after his birth and for the next 6 years. It wasn't until after I had twins that I again struggled with weight loss....but not ever did I reach 200 lbs again. In my disdain for all of life the 1st man that ever showed me any attention...a convict no less....were the arms in which I went running into. Finally....a man who saw something in me. Because of my absolute neediness and attention starved heart I ended up living with him despite my strict, homeschool upbringing and father mandated "no dating but only courtship" way of life. In living with him for the year and a half or so that I did I had tried pretty much every drug out there and overdosed on heroine to the point of near death. He and his friend were freely giving it out. Friend had no knowledge of the fact I was ignorant and completely new to this side of life. They sucked it up...way too much for my ignorant self....and gave the injection....and that amount almost took me to my grave. Heart rate fell off and went to some horrifically low number of beats per minute and I fell unconscious. Being on parole and violating it all they feared calling for help so as panic overtook the room the debate was on as to what exactly to do with me. I fell into a blissfully dark, quiet peaceful place in life where nothing in the world mattered anymore and everything just went away. Medic husband marvels over the fact that I did not die that night. I woke up alone some time later fully clothed in a horifically cold shower, water running over me. Since calling 911 would inevitably land the whole lot of them back in prison this was there feeble attempt at "reviving" me. They had fled after depositing me under the cold water in the event that I didn't make it. They didn't want to be held responsible for my "murder". Soooo...that was my experience with the one and only man that ever took an interest in me before adoring, totally consumed with love for me, hero husband came. Convict man did eventually end up back in prison. We ended up on the run, cops looking for him, a lost person's report out on me, living in different hotels every night. We maxed out my one credit card, wrote some 10,000.00 in hot checks from the one and only account I had ever had. As he went back to prison I was left with 19 warrants, an overnight stay in jail and tons and tons of checks to pay off to the District Attorney's office. I had outstanding checks in 3 different counties and warrants out in 2 of those. I set the record for the largest number of warrants held by anyone in the HEB area. Indeed, a record I had always dreamed of setting, for sure. During time spent with convict man there were awful horrid things done to me and I was violated in ways that my ignorant, innocent, sheltered, homeschooled family never saw coming. Another reason I firmly believe in educating your homeschooled children about life. You are to be in the world but not of it....not live in a bubble with your eyes closed pretending that it'll all go away if you don't see it or acknowledge it. Violation of body, mind and spirit was unimaginable. So, my weight???? It's all connected. Thousands of threads weaving together to somehow create squares of my quilted life that God is piecing together into an artfully constructed masterpiece of His. So it is that I grew up with massive weight issues and years of destruction due to the havoc wreaked by it, damage done and rejection suffered. But one of the most rewarding things that came from my many young years of struggling was the determination to break through. And the realization that it takes commitment to attain the goal....any goal. I have fought valiantly to get to a healthy weight and maintain. And if I let it go and don't fight for it I blimp back up. After years of Weight Watchers and changing my overall eating habits I know what it is to be able to stay comfortably within the range I should be. It has become increasingly harder after each baby to lose the weight but I fight for it. I refuse to be a mom of many that uses children as an excuse to hang onto my weight, whether it be 300 lbs.....or 250.....or even 200....or even 180. I have a conviction and I have a goal....as hard as it is to get back to it after each baby. I don't want my husband to have to come to accept obesity, or even any overweight status, as the new norm. I personally do not think it's fair to him. He didn't marry a fat pig so why would I let myself go after I'm in the "safe zone" and know he's committed? Why would I not love him enough to keep myself up and pleasing in his eyes? I want to be the woman that he is proud to introduce as his wife. I think there is some idea of what people assume his wife will look like when they hear he has 8 children. They assume frumpy, fat, prairie dressed and homely...or jeans that go up to my bulging, lumpy waist and a stained dirty tent for a shirt. So when he introduces me to colleagues and fellow firemen I want to be the source of pride in his life. I want to bring him honor and respect in every way. By actions, by words, by my intense love and adoration for him, and even with my body...what I give to him in every area of life. I want him to be admired by others for what God has given him in his wife, his children, his career and the work God is doing in his life in every area. Looks and appearances are certainly not everything in life but it speaks volumes when one cares enough to keep themselves up, keep their home in order and the children are presentable...not dirty, little barefoot, out of control orphans all in need of haircuts...and not a fat, frumpy, homely, bra strap showing, homeschooling mom toting them all around. I do care. I think I care as much as I do because I have a past like I do. I know what it is to feel fat and be largely overweight. I know the rejection intimately. I know how the world views it....whether it is right or wrong is not the issue. It just is. It's a fact. I certainly think one can have conviction about modesty and dress without looking like the typical homeschooling image procured in most minds....what the Duggar's used to be and, to some small extent, still are. So when I say I run...it's not because I have always run. The first time I ever got out and ran anything was during bootcamp days 3 months after Aubrey's birth. Then I never ran another step until 3 wks after Ivye's birth...some 5 children later....at the ripe old age of 34. Life happened, we lost baby Gideon, hemorrhaging involved, severe anemia and running was brought to yet another halt. But once again I run. I run because I do love it. But I love it because not only is it freedom and power but it is also an intense love for myself, my body and my husband....and even my children. Just as I do not want to be a frumpily dressed, overweight wife I refuse to be a mother like that for my children as well. Because I already know what it is to be on that side of it. And it doesn't feel good. When one doesn't feel good about oneself it's hard to take care of every other part of life. It wears on the soul when I continually dislike myself....and extends into the lives of my husband and my children. And I know so very well that when one area is not cared for it affects all areas of my life. I care what adoring husband sees at the end of the day. In some aspects, years of rejection and being overweight made it easier for me to manage weight because I have had to fight for it..every last ounce of it. And I find it interesting that most of those that were naturally skinny in youth have now blimped up and have no stamina or drive to control or maintain a respectable weight. Because they have never had to fight for it like the struggling ones have. Apathy overtakes most of the ones that were naturally thin in their younger years and there is a massive lack of motivation evident. I can say now at this point in life, after all of those years of being strapped in with my highly desired sister, that I am now much more in shape than she is....because she has never in her life learned how to fight for it....never developed the determination and drive to get there cause she just always kind of already had it. After years and years of being on the crapped out end of the deal the tides turned due to fighting so hard for it for so many years and I am now thinner and more in shape than she probably ever will be. Though I weigh in at 163, to be exact, right now with a height of 5'7 I have never in my life been more fit and healthier than I am right now even at 6 wks pregnant, other than the 6 months after Aubrey's birth that I took part in the hard and heavy bootcamp routine. Though I could stand to lose another 15 or so lbs at the current moment I am entirely content with where I am. Because of learning to fight for it and stick with it I am certain that I can run through this pregnancy and stay as fit as I am right now and only come out better on the other end of it. So when I say I run it is not because I always have and have always possessed a "runner's body"...whatever that is. When pictures reveal someone decently within their weight range it is not because I have always naturally been there. This is something I have worked hard for in life. Something that has not come naturally....and, in fact, came from the opposite end of the scale originating from the severely overweight side of life. The rejected side of life. The side of life where I was considered dispensable to men....not even worth taking note of. How cruel men can be to the girls that do not live up to the American "standard". How awful American society is on young girls...and even women. I won't ever be that skinny, straight up and down, waif of a girl. I'll always have intensely curvy hips and what husband describes as an "amazing Colombian booty" that is far from perfectly rounded or far from non existent. I definitely have a butt but I know what it is to help it out now and make the absolute most of it. My stomach may never be as flat as a washboard.....maybe because I have had 8 children or maybe just because I'm not the skinny one in life. But I have learned what it is to fight for a stomach that is enticing to my husband and is worthy of my own acceptance. It is not dimpled with fat cells nor does it lump up or fall over the waist band of jeans. But I have to fight for it. In love husband says he would love me no matter what and I know more than anything in life he speaks in total sincerity and truth born out of adoring love for absolutely everything about me....but why ask that of him? Why blimp up and and ask him to accept the new fat globuled, lump-a-dump woman in his bed? I want to respect him enough to keep myself up. And more importantly, I want to respect myself enough so that I never end back up where I have come from. I know what it is to feel like an insurmountable mountain stands looming. I know what it is to have to lose 40, 50 and 60 lbs. But because of it I have learned to accept myself and my body....appreciate the determination that was born due to struggles.....the drive, the strength to break through to the other side and stay there. So when I run.....I run. Not because I always have and not because it just comes naturally. Not because I am feathery light and can just take off infinitely. I am, in fact, a very sturdily built individual that has learned what it is to get in shape and hopefully stay there. And, for the record, it does feel really good to finally be at peace with myself, to accept what I see in the mirror because I know I have tried. It feels good to think that even after having birthed 8 children the body can recover to a state that is actually better than before it began. I may never be the American dream, the cover of any magazine or any man's fantasy but I have the love, respect and total admiration of my husband that loves everything about me...from my heart and everything I am within, to the determined fiery individual that propels through life at breakneck speeds, to the body he can come home to. I finally have arms that can do 154 pushups. I have legs that show that I can run 3 miles. And I have a butt that shows I have the ability to do 50 jump squats. Still so strange to me and so very far from where I began my weight journey in life. If I can do it...anyone can. So I run, I stay in shape and I keep myself up because I actually am beginning to like myself and it feels good to finally be at that place in life. I've never known before what it is to like my own body. And I run because I am desperately in love with my husband and want him to greatly desire returning home to me...to be the only woman that ever occupies his mind, to be the one that consumes his thoughts, and to be the person he is totally in love with in every way...in every aspect.....spirit, mind, body, soul.

Journey to the 5K: Progress Report - 2 Miles 23:52

I've used runner girl before but I love her so much that I figure she can take front and center each time a Progress Report comes around. She inspires. She's fun. And she just looks cool.

Granted..there's not many bragging rights that one can possess with a time like that....23:52....but the point is that I accomplished it to even begin with. Each mile averaged out to something like 11:52 or something of that nature. Mathematical husband did the math for this non functional brain of mine...not that I can't. Just have no desire to do anything even slightly related to mathematical equations. My equating brain takes leave at noon each day when algebraic school books are put away. And in my running defense....I think being pregnant, whether one is 5 wks or 35 wks, alters the lungs in some way, shape or form due to the fact that one can just bend over and get out of breath. Who knows why. The baby is the size of a sesame seed right now. Seriously....I read that today. That's like getting out of breath cause you're running with a sesame seed in your hand. Doesn't really compute on this end but having exerted definite lung energy today I know something has been more than a little altered in the breathing dept. The first quarter of a mile felt as though the town elephant had been cut loose, endangering every foundation within the near vicinity and splitting asphalt of local highways. But, the longer I stayed with it the lighter I seemed to become and the easier it finally got as I overcame the wicked mind games that tell the thudding beast within to just go ahead and give it up. So it is that I ran and ran and then ran some more. Uphill, downhill and every street in between. The goal is to run 3 miles in 30 minutes and somehow I just don't see squeezing another mile in in the mere 6 minutes and 8 seconds I had left. Soooo, I definitely have to work on a faster pace....much faster. But..........I still did it. I ran 2 entire miles back to back. I then rested for 2 minutes before doing another 10 minutes of 60 second interval sprinting....then rested another 2 minutes then did a half mile of 60 second interval sprinting. I figure by the end of it I probably ran an entire 3 miles though it wasn't consecutive and total time elapsed from start to finish of entire run equaled 47:52. It's a far cry from falling within the 30 minute window I have to complete it. So it is that I keep going. And I will go until I make my goal of 3 entire miles in 30 minutes. But, for now, 2 miles of straight running was a massive accomplishment despite the fact it probably set the record for the world's worst 2 mile time.

I managed to also do 154 pushups but they're still girly ones. Of those 154 I can still only manage to pump out 20 "man" ones so that's a little discouraging on that end. And the jump squats are still hanging out at 50 when legs reach failure point and just refuse to propel upward at all. Tomorrow I give running a break and let body recover while I work on upper body via our lovely indoor Wii. Not so entirely fun when everyone has been cooped up for days on end due to snowy, cold, muddy days. Beautiful weather has once again returned to this world of our's and days are in the low 60's. Perfectly perfect outside weather. I suppose the most major accomplishment of the day was finally getting to a point where I fell into a groove and just ran. Downhill, wind to my back I felt as though I could run forever....a powerfully freeing place to be in life.....just to run.....music in ears, feeling gravel crunch under foot, miles of highway stretched before me, the occasional passing of a truck, cows, sheep and goats grazing in sun. And I must say that sprinting is just plain fun. To put body into motion, finding high gear buried somewhere deeply within...pulling from the inner determination of self. It just feels good....pregnant or not. I brought up to skeptical husband the desire to compete in a triathlon late next spring, as in May of 2011, giving me time to train during the pregnancy, recover for 3-5 weeks and then return to training. I began to run only 3 wks after Ivye's birth. If baby comes in early Nov, which is entirely likely, that would give 4-5 months of post partum training which I think would suffice if I train during the pregnancy also. Supportive husband was not so sure of this new endeavor due to the 32 miles one way to any kind of indoor pool in which to train, not to mention the many hours of dedication it will take on my behalf. Time and dedication I can definitely come up with...finances for gym membership, gas, potentially a trainer, not to mention trips to town 5 days a week, are a legitimate concern. So we continue our debate and try to figure out a reasonable way to go about it.

I can honestly say I feel better this pregnancy than I have with any of my others We are juicing daily in which I do 5 carrots, 5 stalks of celery, a whole cucumber, 2 tomatoes, a head of broccoli and a handful of spinach....and 2 cloves of garlic when Brad's not home....along with adding GSE to it all. The children get little children sized servings which they all usually love. I had to cut back on the amount of broccoli but other than that they get 2 carrots, 2 stalks of celery, 1/2 a cucumber, 1 tomato a few leaves of spinach and a few little broccoli trees. They love juicing their own so it's an every morning affair with each creating their own....and they drink it! I think I started this pregnancy healthier than I have the last few so it's carried over into it. I pretty much live on salmon spinach salad and anything I can put mustard on. I actually have been completely amazed at just how much stuff on which you can put mustard. When eating a salad you can do honey mustard dressing without the honey....just pretty much use mustard and that's it. And it goes on boiled eggs and scrambled eggs too. You can pretty much just dip anything in mustard.....chicken, toast, popcorn, pretzels, whatever. So...that helps cut back on caloric intake to some extent helping to eliminate the possibility of putting on some 200 lbs over the next 35 wks. Despite how well I have done on the food train the scale has already begun to crawl upward...never an easy to thing to embrace despite how long we have waited and how eagerly anticipated and loved this baby already is.

Chasing bunnies. Back to the point. I feel good and think training for a triathlon is not entirely impossible....and is in fact...more than possible to accomplish. If we can get logistics worked out I really want to try to go for it. If not...I'll be content to compete in the upcoming 5K which I plan on doing anyway...bike for the fun of it and then just swim my butt off during the long hot months of summer. But one of these days...somehow, someway...I will complete a triathlon. First I've got to get past the 5K.

Meet Bob: 9 Feet 11 inches

It officially made our tiny town's record books. He is currently trying to submit it to the Guiness Book of World Records. Wonder if shape counts. Hey....a snowman's a snowman.

The Other Side

Lazy winter afternoon. World transformed into a white wonderland, blanketed in 3 inches of soft, cold powder. Little ones napping from a morning spent hard at play constructing snowmen, blasting the world with snowballs. Snuggled warmly under thick blankets after making one too many snow angels they sleep quietly. Older children accomplished indoor chores in record time and once again are buried in snow as they attempt to create tall and wide record breaking snowman.




Potato soup dishes washed and put away, aroma of homemade cookies overcoming gentle scent of lavender vanilla candles, coffee sitting hot in pot, washing machine churning quietly, dryer clicking rhythmically in peaceful cadence, muddy floors beckoning for a soapy mop, a discarded coat here, a stray yet beloved motorcycle there, 8 pair of boots..snow melting where they lie, lone pencil, perfectly parked rows of fire trucks and ambulances in their under furniture "bay". Exhaustion pervades. One cup of soup down. I fight off feelings of it wanting to revisit me. Despite the discomfort of nausea and inconvenience of sleepiness I am thankful. For I've been through this enough times to know that it tells stories of our tiny baby growing healthy and well within. How grateful and thankful I am for these long awaited days. Unheard of bedtimes of 9:30, missing sunrise and waking to daylight. Steamy hot shower and cup of coffee to help me try to wake. It works...for a few hours. I opt out of a wintry run and instead grasp hot cup with both hands. Watching children build snowy masterpiece thankfulness overwhelms the soul. Thankful for exhaustion, thankful for feelings of pukiness, thankful for enhanced sense of smell that can detect even the tiniest of stinky things but also the sweetest of things, thankful for the enhanced sense of touch that revels in what husband and I share, thankful for warmth, for coffee, for warm cats curled sleeping soundly on bed, happy dogs covered in snow, for chickens huddled under heat lamps, for my life and everything that it is. There's a peace now beyond comprehension. Perhaps it is hormone induced joy, perhaps it is because I am where I want to be once more, perhaps it is because I know more than I ever have that my God is near and that not only does He incline His ear to me but that He loves me more than anything I can ever in a lifetime comprehend...more deeply than I can ever wrap my mind around. I don't know how to receive it , how to describe it, how to live in it but I feel it...I feel the Holy Spirit. I see the evidence of Him working in our lives, the lives of our children, my own personal life....in the relationship that exist solely between God Himself and my own spirit. Perhaps it is because this trial by fire in our life is finally coming to an end and we not only survived but came out victoriously and stronger than we were before we entered into it. "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." We did not die. We did not succumb. We did not quit God, but more importantly, He never quit us in my weakest moments of wanting to abandon ship and leave behind everything He is about. The Beginning and the End....what comfort there is in those few words, the finality, the height and breadth and depth of Him. My Faithful One. How in love with Him my heart is. How forgiven and free I am. How I have seen Him so much more than most people will ever in their lifetime see. How I know the depths of Him unlike I have ever known. How merciful He is.



Contentment fills the soul. Joy abounds. Laughter fills our lives once more. No more tears of long months of sadness...only tears of joy. Weeping may last for a night but joy comes in the morning. If He chooses to take this baby too I am not hopeless. If no justice is ever seen in Aubrey's case I know that His anger and indignation is more righteous and more profound than any punishment an earthly judge could ever issue in her case. "O Lord, the God who avenges, O God who avenges, let Your glorious justice shine forth. Appear and show Yourself!" Ps 94:1. We live in victory because of You. But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. Rom 8:37 Somewhere in this journey I have learned what it is to embrace the willingness to suffer...to lay down my life so that He may live through me. Giving up my own passions and desires so that His work may be evident within my own life. My desire for more children, my fleshly desires that go against everything He is within me, the stray and wayward thoughts that lead to death.... the very thought processes that do not align with His. For is it not God working within me giving me the desire and the power to do what pleases Him and brings Him the glory? So it is that I am learning through this trial by fire to die to self, to suffer, to lay down my flesh and let it burn so that He has the ability to use me for His good purpose...whether it ever be seen by the world or just evident to my children as they grow and learn from me and the example I set before them. Let me never be their stumbling block. Let the heart of the Father shine through me before them so that they may learn to glorify God in everything they do, they encounter and they endure along their way in life....that they praise and glorify Him for their victories and successes and run to Him in their struggles, their pain, their heartache.

How good it is to know that there is indeed an end to everything we have walked through over the last little while of our lives. There is no defeat when you walk in the paths of righteousness. What freedom there is in victory. How much more there is still to learn as I continue to grow.

Even More Snow

As romantic and pretty as it is.....I'm ready for some warm, sunny weather. Not even shift husband is here to snuggle with, enjoy it or take part in the great snowman build-off between pastor neighbor and our children. Even now...it's still coming down. Potato soup for lunch, chili for dinner. Hot chocolate, coffee, muddy floors, long eyelashes dusted with snowflakes, red cheeks and noses, frozen hands, snowmen, snowball wars, machete carved snow sculptures. More of Amy Carmichael's life as little ones sleep off snow induced exhaustion and older children fold clothes.

What busy, busy little girls do. By the end of it all shirts were on the floor.

Yet more snow

By the time it quit falling it was up over the top of his boots...and now it's falling again.

Grant couldn't find shoes and Gavin had already had his fill of playing in the snow. He was cold and done by this point. This would be after 2 hrs of already being out in it having snowball fights and building snowmen.

Putting it to good use and filling it up. Empty seats are Brad's and mine.

Though it doesn't look like it we really do have room for 2 more.

Playing dr with 5 younger "sick" patients. Soooo......I'm thinkin' based on dr outfits this would be the Dr Quinn version?

So the Picture Journey Begins - 5 wks

I've never documented a pregnancy in pictures from the very beginning. I always start once I think I'm bigger than I should be for that stage and suddenly start taking pics due to size in the event it could be twins...which it hasn't been yet. I'm just always that big with one baby for that stage. Lovely. I think once you've had twins the stomach just falls forward since it knows so very well what to do and has been stretched accordingly. But since this pregnancy is so wanted and so waited for I figure I will start from day 1....though by the time I got around to it, it was already day 7 after finding out. So this would be baby #9 at 5 wks. And admittedly, this is what the body that has already carried 8 children before looks like all the time unpregnant. Children say it's already started to round out a little but I find that hard to believe given the fact I am a mere 5 wks. Supposedly, according to my little crew, it's usually flatter than this. You've gotta love having kids to boost your confidence and self esteem!!! I'm thinking, now looking at it, that I probably could've sucked in and done myself a favor but what you see is the real live woman au naturale. What good is it to suck in if it's just going to get bigger and bigger anyway? So, no change as of yet.

Disclaimer: As for the top..it's running gear and is actually real clothing....so no, I'm not posing in my bra. But you can't really wear a t-shirt and track any kind of growth at all. I've tried. So if it offends...skip the pregnancy picture part each month.

One of these days I'll get back to some deeply meaningful post. So much to say but so very little time. Time management has become my new goal for 2010.

5 wks

The Simple Woman's Daybook....early edition

The Simple Woman's Daybook

Outside my window.....a perfectly warm sunny day that calls to come run off the excessive energy of exhilaration

I am thinking......that my God has heard me. He is indeed good all the time.

I am thankful for......the fact that Ivye will not be our last baby.

I am wearing......skinny clothes...for now.

I am remembering.....the extreme and volatile emotions of the last 9 months and wondering for so very long what exactly God has planned for our family.

I am going.......to celebrate and embrace every moment of this.

I am reading.......Runner's World Guide to Running & Pregnancy

I am hoping......that this comes to fruition and is brought to fulfillment in His perfect time.

I am hearing......my beloved husband's words playing back through my head....how overwhelming and unimagineable his love is for me, how absolutely beautiful I am to him and how his excitement over our new discovery grows each day.

On my mind......October 28th, 2010.

Noticing that......hormones are capable of sending one into weeks of absolute despair but they are also capable of producing total euphoria.

Pondering these words......"I love the Lord because He hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because He bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath! Death wrapped its ropes around me; the terrors of the grave overtook me. I saw only trouble and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the Lord: "Please, Lord, save me!" How kind the Lord is! How good He is! So merciful, this God of our's! The Lord protects those of childlike faith; I was facing death, and He saved me. Let my soul be at rest again, for the Lord has been good to me. He has saved me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. And so I walk in the Lord's presence as I live here on earth! I believed in You, so I said, "I am deeply troubled, Lord". In my anxiety I cried out to you...What can I offer the Lord for all He has done for me? I will lift up the cup of salvation and praise the Lord's name for saving me. I will keep my promises to the Lord in the presence of His people. Oh Lord I am your servant! You have freed me from my chains. I will offer you a sacrifice of thanksgiving and call on the name of the Lord. I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of all his people!" "I waited patiently for the Lord to help me and He turned to me and heard my cry." Ps 116, Ps 40:1 My God has heard and answered.

From the kitchen......homemade cookies and happy food, celebratory pizza for dinner

Around the house.....jubilant, elated kids already dreaming about what this autum will bring with it, having name debates and making gender predictions.

One of my favorite things......my children

From my picture journal......