When Kindness Prevails

There are days when I stand back in awe of my life. I look at these children and I wonder why  they were given to me. Rosy cheeked, cherub baby rubs head in neck, pudgy arms hug tightly to neck. This warm little body, smiley eyes and happy chirps...I stand in awe of him. Love so deep it's unfathomable. I look at oldest son and I marvel over who he has become..who he'll one day be. I see his heart, character, devotion, humor, responsibility he is capable of managing. Masculine man muscles poking out from shirt tell story too clearly. Little boy gone...more man than child now. And all of life is bittersweet. How in love I am with this boy of mine. Glimpse of oldest daughter gracefully floating by...laughter like wind chimes, melodic and graceful she moves, kindness ruling actions, tender heart so eager to please. So much little girl yet transformation inevitable....and I wonder where the time has all gone. 9 year old helper girl aids little boys in handwriting endeavors, they sit piled in floor...stacked and balanced like blocks....in efforts of reading together to carry out assignments quicker. They're human block pile wobbles, then topples sending everyone into fits of laughter. Inseparable little boy and girl loudly steering tractors and directing trucks on imaginary roads and unseen bridges as their world takes shape in some far away land where green plastic army men climb mountains in Kansas, utility trucks conquer Oklahoma snow, trailer pulling buses traverse roads home to Texas, and ambulances rush to aid families in Missouri, Tennessee and New Mexico. I work quietly in kitchen listening to their animated play, unseen world and all laughter that dances through house, carried on wind from windows thrown open to let sunshine and beautiful weather embrace senses. These children.....they're an amazing gift. How we all laugh together. How we have weathered so much as a family. These little people brought into our life, growing right before our eyes, what sweet company they are. And I wonder why me. Why were they put in this family? Why was I chosen as these specific people's mother?

There are days when I am so overcome by gratitude of what God has done on our behalf, how He has protected us, how, when I think of what we have walked through, I am reminded of how much more we have been spared. When I think of how stripped we have been...of everything....it is for a greater purpose. When I fall so hard, a million miles away from His glory, when the world seeks to kill, steal and destroy, He has been so faithful to give a safe haven within Him and a haven just as luxurious in my husband and children. And once again I am reminded of the depth of grace...how deep and how wide...and how He comes redeeming those that have fallen so far short....and I wonder why He picked me. Why was I worth saving? Why did He hand pick us for this journey...as individuals, as a couple, as a family? What did He see...or maybe all it took was a willingness to forsake all in wild, reckless abandonment in search of Him...to follow Him??? Raw, unbridled passion within two people...no pretenses..... bringing us continually to a place of being stripped bare before Him. Stripped bare of pride, of a seeming identity....mine as a mom of many, husband's as a firefighter....identities in the deepest forms on both of our parts. Who was I if not a mother to many? Who was I as a person if I could not even adequately care for the ones which He had already given? Pride stripped away in torrential downpours of acid rain. Stripping, sanding, washing away all but who I am in Him. Husband giving up brotherhood, a profession, extended family that fire profession brings with it. Losing it all to find ourselves in Him....individually and as a couple. Children leaving everything they knew at pivotal ages in life, brought to knees by the grace of a God that will go to every length to capture their young hearts...children whose hearts are turned to Him because they've seen the love and grace and faithfulness of a living God at early ages within their lives. I look back on our life and I see with clearer vision how God has continually broken, shaped, stripped, sanded, molded and has continued to refine faithfully throughout the years. And my heart is comforted in a strange euphoric sense. I cringe at the thought of the refining process that still lies ahead...yet peace wraps like blanket as bigger picture begins to take shape. So much more. We are here for so much more than this. I have fallen so many times....so far down....yet still He comes saving....not only saving but raising up. And I know He does because I feel it so deeply within that spirit is stirred in realms that are not earthly.

Slowly I begin to see how much stronger I have become....this stretching process....breaking down only to rebuild better and stronger. Much like working out...tearing down to build back larger and stronger. He breaks down to establish endurance, strength. In all of the stripping away and learning to travel lightly there has come an unfamiliar yet astoundingly powerful strength. With the unexpected strength has come the knowledge that nothing matters except who I am in Him and the hearts of my husband and those of my children. Everything else just blissfully fades away. As I ponder giddy, unexplainable joy...happy heart, feathery spirit...I begin to see just the tiniest glimpse of the masterpiece He seeks to create.

What if He moved us up here just for the sheer purpose of being a testimony to desperate landlord? I do not even begin to think that is the one and only reason, as this journey is so entirely multifaceted, as they all always are. But...what if? Would it have been worth it....all the prayers prayed to be used by Him....all the longing of two yearning hearts to pour through in whatever way He sees fit....wherever He sees fit??? Is this not what we have longed for for so very long in life??? Training ground of all the years before to be used for this time as He continued to shape and train for yet more????

Year ends and lease comes up. Peaceful husband calls on 1st, as we have not heard word from landlord concerning any new arrangement. Time is set to talk. I opt out of negotiations. Two men meet and discuss for an hour. This man that began our lease 1 year ago not allowing us to touch anything, fix anything or alter anything within house now begs us to stay. This man once so critical of children and every move made now speaks of how much enjoyment they bring to his own children. Husband gently and peacefully talks of realities concerning state of disrepair in which house sits. Landlord agrees. Peacemaker husband gently negotiates and tells of our intentions to stay if agreement can be reached. Landlord's face beams and he eagerly agrees to workable solution. Within an hour a year's worth of kindness broke this man. His heart soared as we asked for permission to install hard floors for practicality of family this size, landscaping vision, the desire to paint using wipeable gloss sheen in warm color to hide prints and allow for cleaning purposes, desire to slowly replace windows as money allows in order to conserve energy..as our electric bills run upwards of 500.00 p/ month due to poorly insulated everything. Agreement was reached with landlord coming off a reasonable amount in rent and giving us full permission to do whatever we like, also enabling us to call whomever whenever of our choice to fix anything needed. Floors will be replaced within next few months, landscaping will continue, nasty unscrubbable walls will receive a new coat of warm, wipeable paint, and pictures will be hung. Husband continued talking of our desire to leave a place better than when found. Just as children have been taught to clean up restaurant table before leaving, pick up any strewn napkins, push chairs in, leave friends house picked up before loading up...so we desire to leave this house in better condition than when we first occupied it. Mission project 1700 miles away from home in urban, developed east coast state. And I stand humbled and broken at all of the ways God works in ways I never envisioned. You just don't have to be in Africa to be a missionary. Oh how I pray that own eyes will be opened....that He continues to teach to be still and just know. If I could only trust His greater purpose when I fall so short....oh that heart eyes would be opened in new ways.....that children will learn and grow from these things. I am taken to knees... so many tears fall. While refining us as individuals He has captured children's hearts, teaching through parental failures the deep abiding knowledge of redemption, grace, and kindness as they grow. It's all worth it..every last bit...if it results in hearts of strangers changed and children learning to walk in this before beginning lives out from under childhood roof.

Landlord fought urge to hug husband in exuberance as he told of his excitement over the fact we would not be leaving. Children and I later run into he and daughter on late night grocery excursion. Usually sullen, moody, sad man smiled continuously from ear to ear and talked eagerly of weather, late night hour, and how glad he is of our plans to stay for a much longer undetermined amount of time. This man walked with head held high, a contagious, little boy smile on face and eyes happy with good news. And I'm just so broken and humbled in so many ways on so many levels. Despite my screaming, kicking temper tantrums, my inability to cope, all the ways that I have failed so miserably in so many ways on this journey....He still used us. And this man....maybe the only reason in the world we were moved 1700 miles east....was a man that saw kindness perhaps for the first time in his entire life by total strangers that were not out to take him to court, withhold rental money due to living conditions, or screw him over. Inch by inch we gain ground in this new land of our's...while over and again we have seen the hand of God work in ways that are unfathomable to us. Despite the many times we were told by so many to take landlord man to court, that we were crazy for "tolerating such deplorable behaviour", that we had every right to demand action from not entirely upstanding deputy landlord, and the many times I fought my own temptations, steady husband guided in love and total kindness...reminding my own wayward heart that we are here for a purpose...totally unable to leave despite hours upon hours of searching world over for more suitable housing options. There is a greater plan...and to be patient. Night after night he would come reminding gently, stroking dark messy curls..."We prayed for this, beautiful girl. Remember how we prayed?" With sweet smile and twinkling eyes he'd say with an amused chuckle, "We prayed for all of this...and here we are! So be patient. Please be patient because there is so much more that we can't see." Not exactly what the uncomfortable part of self yearns to hear in the moment. But oh how right he was. How right he always is.

In utter humility I see with physical eyes the work God is doing in tangible ways. I feel the strength He continues to build and rise up within self. Ability to cope and deal with all of life, strength to walk away from that which tethers, strength to stand up and fight for that which matters. Absolutely, all consuming quiet strength to weather this storm. In joy there is unimaginable strength and there is nothing that rivals contentment and a happy heart. I will stay here and find contentment, we are right where we are supposed to be, directly in the center of His will despite the fact the war rages around us. Each and every one of us are protected in ways most will never understand, and we, as a family, will not only grow from this but walk away so much stronger as we are filled with ever expanding realization of how desperately dependent on Him each one of us are. If our God is for us who can be against us?

How grateful I am for this time in life. How it has been used to unify us as a family, to make us stronger, to grow us to such greater depths. I'm not sure I'd do it again...but I wouldn't change it either.

Weather cools, trees begin to cloak themselves in last display of glory before falling bare, leaves begin whispery dance from high above head, friends and family will be visiting soon...excitement and anticipation grows. May this be the beginning of a new year of peace in this place as we set out to discover all that still lies in wait.

This was received after this post was written. It is where I have been in every sense so many times within the past year. It is the story of overcoming and the victory that does indeed come. Once the depth of this is truly grasped the possibilities of where He can and will take us are limitless.

I WILL STRENGTHEN THEE
by David Wilkerson


I want to talk about bondage to sin — that is, your battle with the flesh.
Under the New Covenant, God will allow situations to show you how wholly
dependent you are on Him to deliver you through faith.

God will never lead you into temptation but He will allow you to come to your
wits' end. If you have a besetting sin, Satan will come against you continually
with his lies: "You’re too weak! You're never going to make it."

You hear the rattling of chains as Satan tries to bind you to your habit once
more and you wonder, "Lord, how will I ever get up from this? I've gone down so
low!"

What can you do? You know you can't outrun the enemy and you are no match for
him in a fight, so you cower before him, trembling in fear.

You may say to yourself, "I'll just go back to my old ways. At least I'll be
spared from all this spiritual warfare. It's too much for me!" But you know you
can't go back to your old master. If you turn back now and desert Christ, it
will cost you your life.

Many Christians become caught in the hellish cycle of sinning and confessing,
sinning and confessing. They run to friends, counselors, anyone who will listen
to them as they cry and pray. Such believers will do everything except stand
still and trust the Lord to bring their deliverance.

The Old Testament gives us example after example of how we have no power in our
flesh to fight spiritual battles. Our old man is utterly weak and powerless but
we have a new man inside us. This new man understands there is no human way
out, that God has to do all the fighting. We resist the devil not in our
strength, but by the power of the Holy Spirit, which is revealed in us by faith
alone.

“Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God; I will
strengthen thee” (Isaiah 41:10).