39 Weeks

Early morning darkness. I wake to the dim light of sweet husband's phone as he tries not to disturb my sleep. Familiar belt jingling, rattle of keys stuffed in pocket, clinking of digging change out of glass jar. Warm, humid air blankets the room from his morning shower. It doesn't take much for the realization to set in that I am still heavily pregnant...and the disappointment to ensue. Eyes barely open and tears already threatening to fall. I slowly get up and revisit the bathroom...for the seemingly thousandth time in 6 hours. Hard consistent contractions anywhere from 2-10 minutes apart from 5-11 the night before. Somehow I knew they would dissipate as we finally went to sleep but it makes it no less disappointing come morning. And my patience and optimism begin to wane with all of life.

I remain ever guarded about whining, griping, complaining and letting my focus transition over to the discomforts. It truly is all in the perspective...or at least most of it. But there are times when even my own limits are taxed and the ability to maintain the attitude and keep the perspective on track is very much maxed out in every way. Having remained quiet and expressed no discomfort or frustration to patient husband over the last few months I finally grow honest with him in the darkness. Breaking the silence I muttered dejectedly, "I told you it wouldn't go anywhere." Clueless, he asked simply, "What?" Not entirely used to this side of it all and my grumpiness he honestly had no idea where I was going with it. But, in his defense, it's not entirely his fault given the fact we went to bed with me on a happy note laughingly stating that it was safe to sleep since it would eventually all go away and I'd still be largely pregnant come morning. Self fulfilling prophesy, I suppose.

I know...I really truly know....how much we have been given and how absolutely overwhelmingly much we have to be grateful for. I look back on, not just the last year of our life, but the works the Lord has done in the years we have been married...how far we have come...how very much we have been lovingly and sometimes so painfully taught. It is an absolutely amazing thing to be where we are today...as individuals, as a couple and as a family. But even more specifically, how much we have been to be so exceedingly thankful for after surviving last year. How humbling it is to be at this place in life...especially after some of the tears that were shed in such pain but also such great selfishness, the thoughts that were allowed to take hold and some of the words that were spoken in such outraged anger on my part over the injustices I felt the Lord had allowed into our lives....how forsaken and abandoned my heart felt as we both fought and struggled our way through it all. Sweet innocent seven year old girl still with us emotionally, physically and in every other way despite what took place. Months and months of never ending loss and then an uncertain future for ever having anymore children. Yet here I sit entirely massively pregnant once more...blessed beyond all measure....with two more tiny lives ready to emerge and join our family. How many stories we have heard of dear people and families that long to have just their 1st or 2nd or even 3rd baby with no success. And how many moms have come to me stating their desire to have just one set of twins...to be able to experience the absolute joy of it all. And here we are....living this out for the second time in life...something that very few people in life will ever know.

So, how then....with all that we have been given and blessed with....could I ever begin to focus on the discomforts and even appearing to be slightly ungrateful for the gifts in life we have been given so abundantly...and for the joy that has come after the mourning of last year?? All I have to do is read about the people that have lost the lives of their children in ordeals such as we endured with Aubrey or listen to the numerous stories we are told when out in public. Stories of all couples longing for children but, for whatever reason, have not been able to succeed in having them and I am reminded how fleeting these discomforts are....what an amazing thing it is to be here at this place experiencing it all. So, I am not ungrateful, unthankful or even taking any of this journey for granted.....but, truthfully and honestly, I am very, very tired of being pregnant. I grow weary of continually having to give my fear back over to the Lord when babies' movements have seemingly slowed but, in all reality, I have just become so busy I have quit paying attention to their rolling ways...as they are far too big to kick anymore at this point. Heart rates and growth rates confirm in every way that they are indeed healthy and thriving. But the fear of losing another baby never really truly ever goes away. Somehow the innocence of pregnancy was stripped from us in what we endured and I no longer ever begin to take for granted the fact that a full term healthy pregnancy is just common. So, I continue to place my fear and my worry at the feet of the Lord, as I have done for the past 39 weeks, and know that He has given us these gifts and grown them into huge full term babies and He will bring them forth.


So, in the darkness I utter back to husband, just as forlorn as my first "I told you so" statement, "I told you I'd wake up still pregnant." Softness overcame him as he walked to me and fingered gently through my hair. He spoke softly, patiently, "We can try to get something going tomorrow if you want." My resolve fading I finally fessed up and uttered the long suppressed complaints, on the verge of tears... "I'm just really really tired of being pregnant. Everything hurts and I'm just really done." With sweet, endearing compassion and 12 years worth of knowing everything about me he grins and says quietly and simply, "I know." Sweet comfort in 2 such simple words. How grateful I am for this man that knows me so well. How in love with him I am. Knowing how opposed I have been the entire pregnancy to trying to start labor before my body begins it but also sensing how very much done I am he gently teased and reminded me of my words yesterday..."It's a full moon. You've got nature working on your behalf too if you take me up on it." It is no secret that more babies are born on a full moon than at any other time of the month. Research has even proved this odd fact and both dr's and midwives will eagerly attest to this amazing novelty. Something about how the gravitational pull really truly does affect the physiology of one's body. Any good medic will also have no problem telling you that the crazy people all come out on the night of a full moon too. It really does alter your body somehow....and if you're prone to being insane in the head it just exacerbates this....but if you're due to have a baby it can also greatly aid your cause...most of the time. But given how very due I am and how ready my body seems to be maybe, just perhaps, it might be enough to push it over the edge and get some babies here.

So, I contemplate his offer and finally quietly formulate a plan with him. We both know this road well enough to know what needs to be done to naturally help things along. And we both have teased and discussed how timely labor would be if it took place anytime tomorrow or tomorrow night since it begins a 96 off for him. And their birthday would be October 23rd if they came in the early morning hours....and I like odd numbered birthdays or any birthday counting by 5's. Strange, but true.

Children are finally all packed up...the area I always procrastinate with the most. I'd much rather clean house all day everyday than pack suitcases. Way too much required mentally to make it even somewhat enjoyable, despite how exceedingly much we love to travel as a family. So, at 39 weeks exactly I finally have managed to get all the bags packed....except Ivye's. I'll work on that today. And I'll clean and prepare for babies and focus on getting through today so we can see what tomorrow holds. And if there are no babies by Saturday morning I'll wake up and cry and get it all out of my system and then carry on and wait for the day they do arrive. Technically, I still have another 4 entire days left in Garrison's and Grant's pregnancy. So, surely I can get to next Monday if nothing takes place before then. Someone said during this pregnancy...as they clearly doubted my ability to carry a second set of twins full term.....that the odds of carrying two sets of twins past 39 weeks are less than 1%. But I know the amazing ability of the Lord and that He can grow some very healthy full term babies. I'm not sure if the percentage is really accurate but I do know that it is entirely rare to make it past 39 weeks in any twin pregnancy. To have done it twice is really rare and very much a blessing. Most twin pregnancies end around 36-37 weeks, if they've even made it that far, either naturally or by dr's interference.

So, I will spend today in the presence of my children and we will laugh and not worry about the messes that are made. I will immensely enjoy these last few days of being a family of 10 and only having these 8 children before we transition over to the chaos and fun and newness of welcoming two more and becoming a family of 12.

Morning sun has risen, children stirring, coffee hot in pot and clean kitchen smelling of pumpkin candle. Oatmeal waiting on stove for hungry little people to wake up enough to eat. Hot shower waiting. Absolutely beautiful weather blows through open windows. And I have an entire day to spend outside with my children painting and sidewalk chalking before determinedly beginning the work of getting some babies here.