When Morning Finally Comes

".....weeping may last for the night but joy comes in the morning. You have turned for me my mourning into dancing. You did it. You changed wild lament into whirling dance. You ripped off my black mourning band and have decked me with wildflowers. I am bursting with song, I can't keep quiet about You. God, my God, I can't keep quiet about you. " Ps 30:5, 11 (The Message)

After months and months and months of this ongoing process I finally no longer tested positive. Despite the fact the lab work came back 2 weeks ago declaring my hcg levels were so low that I was no longer considered pregnant I still had enough left to test positive following the lab work. I was supposed to have my follow up apt this morning but there was nothing they were going to be able to do. My lab work is already completely normal...as discovered 2 weeks ago.....and the sonogram was canceled due to it. So, basically it was going to be something like sitting there filling her in on the latest and her saying that this process is done and we are free to allow another pregnancy to take place....not that we ever hindered it to begin with. This whole thing has finally ended after a full 14 weeks from the onset of it......somewhere around 17-18 weeks after we lost the baby. I certainly never considered being so absolutely elated over a negative pregnancy test but I am. I canceled my appt since I saw absolutely no use in going and instead just took yet another pregnancy test to see what came of it. For the first time since the pregnancy began it came back negative. My heart leaped with joy and for the first time in months I feel absolutely weightless.

Coming out of this has been a bit like a 2nd honeymoon for Brad and I. There is a new depth that I could never have imagined between the 2 of us but there is also such freedom in feeling normal again. My moods are no longer all over the place wreaking havoc and leaving everyone with whiplash. There is a new understanding, appreciation and all encompassing love for how he has loved me so unconditionally throughout all of this. Every night has become a bit of a celebration as we bundle up under mounds of covers and rediscover what seems to have been lost for the last 14 weeks of our marriage. There is a peace and it feels so good to finally be on this side of it. I feared that once this was all over that I would look back and be filled with embarrassment over my lack of patience and how short the time span actually was in the overall span of life but, as of now, those feelings have yet to surface. Though it was a mere 14 weeks from start to finish it was absolutely the worst, most tear filled, hormonal, long lived 3 1/2 months to have ever endured. Of course, it did not help that we were still trying to survive the events that occurred only a few weeks before this miscarriage took place between the adoption and everything else that transpired.

But.....I am free and I feel like I can fly again. To be such an optimistic person I found that it was not so pleasant to discover what it is to be a pessimist and suffer through such huge bouts of depression. My heart does once again sing and there is abounding joy. According to the research I have done and the dear dr confirming it, it is entirely possible to become pregnant yet again in only 2 short weeks. Though the prospect of that is entirely thrilling and would fill the ache that now exists after the loss of our tiny boy I can honestly say I am fully content to just sit and be still. I have absolutely no doubt I would be ecstatic if a little 2nd line were to appear on a test tomorrow but if it does not I am at total peace. I really honestly never thought I'd ever get to that point but it feels good to finally feel normal and just rest in the peace of the Lord. It feels good to be skinny again and finally have no raging hormones or emotional instability going on....to know that I am appealing, sexy and once again fun to my husband and not the continual emotional drain I felt that I was for so many weeks.....to know that I can bring him the same joy that he is to me each and every day, that I can give him 100% of myself. Well.....I think it's safe to say he's gotten a full 100% of me over the last little while....a little more than I'm sure he ever bargained for when we married. For better or for worse has more depth than ever existed before. But I guess it's just a matter of feeling like I can give him all of me in every way again.

So, it feels good to just sit for a little while in the present moment. I don't want to think about the past or worry about the future. I am just content in the now. I know, despite how many hundreds of times a day I will give it over to the Lord, that I will worry through the first half of the next pregnancy. And right now it just feels good not to be consumed with worry and such immense sorrow. So, I embrace the peace and the joy that have come with the present. I know that if a test does indeed reveal that we have been exceedingly blessed again in only a few short weeks that we will both rejoice in that and be elated over another new baby being so intricately formed and fashioned within....but I also know that if it does take quite some time for the reproductive system to start performing again that I will be at peace with it. I suppose in 3 or so months if I am not pregnant again by then that we will once again make a trip back to the dr to make sure everything is back in working order. But, for now, I rest contentedly in the fact that the 14 week miscarriage is finally over and that God is still good and that He is faithful....that He does deliver those He loves.

I also find it amazing that my body did this completely on its own with no intervention. We did have an overnight hospital stay but even while in the midst of that the only thing given was pain meds to help ease the intensity of what was taking place. The prescription of methergen I was given did absolutely nothing. I am quite amazed at how miraculously God has made the human body and how He has created it with the ability to do everything that needs to be done. I have no doubt He has blessed us with the medical profession to help and heal the things that our bodies would not otherwise do but in this case He has proven to me that He has created my body to carry out every function that a woman's body should. To look back and say we did this completely naturally is a bit like the feeling that comes from having a natural birth with no interventions. God has covered us and protected us....and showed us great and mighty things about Himself throughout our entire ordeal through this. He has been gracious and I am so thankful for His enduring love.....even in the darkest days.

God is indeed good all the time. I am free.