Embracing the Edge

Once again I wake to the darkness. Early morning hours still new to this body of mine. Cold house dark and quiet, smell of coffee finding its way to me as I burrow beneath blankets in my last attempts at protest over rising. Husband's belt jingles softly as he dresses, keys rattle as he stuffs them into pocket, darkness outside window turning to early gray winter day. I lay quiet trying to bring thoughts into some semblance of order in the fogginess of sleep that still remains. He comes to my side, lips brush across forehead as big, warm, calloused hands slip under covers and find me. Soft deep voice whispers, "I love you." Heart of mine still skips a beat at the sound of him, eyes open and I smile, "I love you too." With lips still pressed against head he murmurs, "I shouldn't be too late." I pause my sinking heart, thankful for the work he has. We knew this...we knew it would be like this if we became business owners so I focus on being overwhelmingly grateful for the work he has....for how God is providing over and above everything we have ever known. Instantly he senses my faltering heart. Pressing in even firmer he smiles and says...."I promise." There is much still lingering on my to-do's....things entirely hard to accomplish with him home...so I busy myself with making a mental checklist. As heavy boots attempt to fall quietly down old creaky wooden hallway my thoughts turn to yesterday's events. Backdoor voices protest to being awakened from its overnight dormancy and then clicks quietly into place. I work on facing my fears for another day without him present. Bare feet find cold floor and I force my body into submission as I slip into running gear. Rumble of diesel truck pulling onto dirt road confirms that he is gone. My overly analytical brain turns to trying to make sense out of all of life. There is more....so much more....that we are being called to in this life. I can feel it....I catch glimpses of it at odd moments throughout my day. I am no longer content to just sit in the comfort of the present. I don't want to be that apathetic Christian that just lives quietly in this quiet corner of the world. Maybe it's a midlife crisis. Maybe it's breaking free from the chains of the last half year of our life. Maybe its that I've found throughout all of this that there's just so much more.....that we have not come through all of this for nothing. That this trial by fire is producing something so much greater and bigger than even I can imagine. There is more. I want to be that one out there on the edge. I don't want to be the one that gets stuck in comfort. I see people with so much less than what we have needing hope. 

Rising sun offers no warmth, cold wind hits face and feet find a steady rhythm. My mind finds comfort in the bitter cold, trepidatious heart embracing the solace of quiet winter morning, rocks crunching under foot. Thoughts of life turn to the phone call we received early this week. Seems hospital social worker was required to make a phone call concerning Ivye's ER visit. It was enough to seize the heart and send any given person into panic mode. Constant, steady husband was not nearly of the same opinion and assured my racing heart that all is well. It all seemed to fit right in with the last few months of crap we have been forced to overcome. I was informed that they were reviewing the case and found that it was an injury occurring within the home with only one adult present. Stark ill humored woman asked how many children are within the home, how many have been seen in the ER over the course of the last year, if baby was unattended when the accident occurred, if she has ever been a victim of child abuse/neglect or if she is at the present moment. I thought the tactic of just blatantly asking was a bit odd but....whatever. My mind immediately began procuring images of awfulness of what assumptions she had reached due to my answers. Any kind of eloquence in verbal communication seems to be ever elusive for this tongue of mine. I say things I shouldn't say, fail to voice things that need to be said and inevitably fail pretty miserably in communicating on any given day....quiet, introvert of childhood lingering long into adulthood. So, I run, mind racing even faster, pondering what hospital-woman had assessed given my seemingly inadequate answers. Once again I pour over every last bit of the conversation. 1st half of process and if they saw further need they would begin the 2nd half of phone interviews. Where from there? We never reached that part and I never thought to ask. Fear of state people ringing doorbell float through the head. 

Throughout the last few months I have found that my emotions are volatile and very much at the mercy of any given situation. Outside factors highly influence any sort of inner feelings. So it was that the more she questioned the more irritated I became. I found my patience waning with this nosy, uncaring woman. After being questioned for the thousandth time as to whether she was a victim of our abuse and how the injury occurred I finally stated not so entirely kindly that she was indeed the victim of our waffle syrup bottle that she herself pulled out onto her own toe. Apparently this seems far fetched to most any person so it has the ability to go unbelieved....but I do know that if I was trying to cover anything up I certainly could come up with more convincing stories that have absolutely nothing to do with waffle syrup. We learn later that it was merely hospital protocol to have a hospital social worker follow up any pediatric injury within the home. Nothing ever came of the phone call.

Legs push forward, heart now pumping forcefully and I take comfort in the returning strength of my own body and the force I feel within my legs to power me forward when all of life seems continually upside down. My mind returns to gravel beneath feet and the worries of life are handed over once again to my God who is greater than all of life....who has healed me and made me whole and given me the ability to run and be free.....the confidence to know so deeply within that I no longer have to fear anything...for He is my strength and the rock from which my help comes. I do not fear a hospital social worker. We are not walking this road for nothing at all to come of our life. How can one be expected to live on the edge when you have never learned? I am being taught that I am so much stronger than even I ever imagined. That because I do have the one and only God on earth paving the road we traverse that we are held within His hand and nothing can touch us.....not one of our own children being raped and beaten, not one of our babies being called home before his first breath was ever taken, not a 4 month miscarriage that ended in hemorrhaging and not the the worry of a hospital social worker reviewing an injury and if our children are in imminent danger at the hands of us. I no longer feel defeated or am overwhelmed by this turn of events. At one point shortly after the phone call was received self pity was hard to keep at bay. Immediate thoughts of "why????" and "what now?????" threatened to overtake all of life. Thoughts turned from self pity to the fact this only goes along with everything else we have had to fight off the last half year of our life. But as I began to lay it all down I finally began to see the supernatural strength that is being built within both husband and I. Unwavering husband has no fear of any of this, he knows well protocol hospital is required to follow, which is used to give my own heart strength and peace of mind. 

My body finds comfort in the pain and the growing strength both mentally and physically. I have learned to welcome the pain because in the pain I grow. Body falls into submission as I run and is transformed before my eyes. Mind falls into submission as we continue to trek down this arduous road and is transformed as I learn to think differently and embrace the change....discover who it is I really am, who I am becoming. There are things I know about myself now that have never been developed in my entire 34 years of life. Things that have always been there but just have to be grown and developed. The absolute determination, stubbornness, diligence, passion....it's all there for a very definite purpose. Whatever that purpose is I have yet to discover but I know there is one...there has to be a purpose. Living on this edge....learning to embrace it. I want to be that one that is completely and totally ruined for the ordinary.