Peppermint coffee steaming white swirls into the air, cold hands clasped against cup for early morning warmth, house still breathing quietly with sleeping children, husband already absent for the next 24 hours. I stand staring out the glass door watching the dark eastern sky for the first shades of daybreak silently pondering my own dark thoughts. Thick unruly waves of unbrushed hair fall all around me and I am again reminded that I need to begin my morning routine before children begin it for me. But I linger just a little more unable to turn away from my procession of thoughts. How scarily and powerfully evil one's own thoughts can be....how deceitful the heart. Why is it that I wrestle with the flesh so violently at times?
In an effort to remain transparent and real I open myself up and reveal the still raw wounds beginning to heal. As the turmoil of the last 5 months of our life is seeming to draw to a close I am beginning to see that the road to healing and growth is significantly longer. For in the midst of the lingering hurt the inner heart is exposed. As shades of pink begin to spread softly across the horizon my burdened heart finally admits that I am painfully weak in many areas and my ability to fall is great. But is it not in my weakness that I am made strongest....the ability for God to prove Himself to even greater depths within my own fallible humanness? So I wrestle.
I wrestle with blaming God for all that has taken place despite the fact I know deeply within both head and heart that He is at work in our lives, doing great and mighty things. I wrestle with hours and even days of intermittent envy of those that are still carrying their babies....now almost 30 weeks into their pregnancies....as our tiny boy lies frozen in time beneath a red oak tree selflessly bought by Grayson with his own money and lovingly planted by Brad seeking to help heal some of my own pain. I wrestle with long lived moments of anger as I watch others encounter a trouble in their pregnancy, watch people unite in prayer and then watch as all is resolved and both mom and baby continue on in good health and I angrily wonder why it couldn't have been me. I wrestle with the truth that I actually entertain the thoughts of wishing something bad would happen to those blessed families and that there would be a loss so that they could somehow understand the hurt...contradictions of my own heart confounding the mind. How on earth could I ever wish this agony on someone else???? How can I be so evil? I wickedly wrestle with actually hoping hurt would come to others foolishly thinking it would lessen my own inner pain somehow. The flashes of anger as I struggle with what seems in my human mind to be total unfairness that we have had to walk this road. Stark contradictions as I seek to give wholly of myself and allow the pain of the offering yet wickedly turn around and see the evilness within my own heart. Thoughts swinging like a pendulum from one extreme to the other as I drop to my knees and beg that no one would ever know this agony and guilt I know yet the very next moment wishing that every person had to endure such pain and that life would be fair. How on earth can my heart be so cruel? How is it that I can even be heard by a God that inclines His ear to me...that would even want to care for me? I wrestle with my own guilt........guilt of my own thoughts, my own actions, where my mind wanders, where I allow my mind to wander....... continually giving it back over to the Lord, my Salvation and my Forgiver. I wrestle with "loving the enemy" and not entertaining thoughts and ideas of how to make life more miserable than they have ever known or wishing death upon a boy that is merely 3 years older than our oldest child. I wrestle with the weakness that was left from years of rejection by men as my vain heart seeks to bask in any and all male attention that does come....ugly girl of long ago still pining for mortal, short lived beauty of youth. So it is that I wrestle with my wretched, deceitful heart.
Rising winter sun climbs gracefully over the hills and cloudless sky becomes a momentary canvas for God's greatest artwork. Relentless unforgiving thoughts take me back to a day that seems to forever live on within my mind. In the agony and all of the pain of the events surrounding Aubrey I discovered the existence of our baby. Weeks later as Brad and I sought to deal with it all both physically and emotionally I made the statement to a dear, sweet friend that if God took this baby I would not be able to go on.....that it was more than any heart could bear to be required to overcome both the loss of an adoption and the devastation of what took place with Aubrey only to be pushed overboard by the loss of a baby. Little did I know that it would forever haunt me as the "Titanic statement" of my own life. "Not even God could sink this ship" seemed to have brought out the wrath of God and sink the unsinkable. So it seemed that my own statement of inability to go on taunted Him to prove to my own doubting heart that I am indeed capable of much more than I consider possible. For the millionth time in a matter of mere months I begin to wonder if I asked for this miscarriage. Did I bring this upon myself by that statement? Did I evoke God's wrath? Did I hurt the baby as I sought to dull my own pain? Round and round my tumultuous thoughts go as the mind games continue relentlessly on. I know the truth. I do know the truth. And I know it will set me free. Why I continue to fight these inner battles that wage war within is still a mystery. It is over. I did survive. We survived as a couple. We survived as a family. So why does my mind dwell on what is now behind us? I know in my head and heart what is taking place and that we are being transformed into so much more than I can imagine so why do I wrestle so violently with the flesh?
Coffee growing cold in hand, guilt seeks to pervade and overshadow the new day. The same guilt that paralyzes and chains the heart when I think about that summer night that forever altered how I see life. Did I lose this baby because I failed her and cannot be trusted with more.....because I made an insane but heartfelt statement......because I cuss too much....because I cuss to begin with....because I don't wear skirts all the time and think I should receive a Martha Stewart award when I manage to fix a complete meal once every 6 months? Roosters crow, bare gray trees reach heavenward, leaves dance playfully down dirt road and I mull over what I already know. These are all works. If I had done all of these things right it wouldn't have earned me another baby....or the life of this one. It wouldn't have saved her or rescued her from her living nightmare. It wouldn't have even earned me into heaven because I am not working my way there. My place is secure...bought and paid for by the blood of Jesus Christ....my name written and kept there when I chose to accept that which He so freely offered to me. I know beyond everything in life that I will not ever enter into heaven by works but by the sheer saving grace of God who loves me more than anything I can ever imagine. Who cares so passionately for me that He did not punish me with these things but has used them to shape me into who it is He can use and to reflect His image a little clearer than before. So for the millionth time in the last 5 months I lay my guilt down at the foot of His robe and I reach out to touch Him. I hand over the pain of loss. I lay down the weakness of my vain, attention seeking heart. I lay down the anger and the frustration, the wicked, evil thoughts. I lay it all down on a level few people will ever know....on a level few people will ever allow themselves to know. It is by the grace of God that I am saved, that I am forgiven, that I am rescued from my own wretched self.
It is because of the grace and mercy of a loving God that we will go on to be blessed with many more children...both biologically and eventually adopted...despite Brad's and my shortcomings on every level. It is because of His grace and mercy living within us that He is using us to raise up mighty warriors that will not shy away or be afraid to fight for Truth and all that His kingdom is. It is because of His grace and mercy that neither Brad nor I have to earn more children and that He will continue to bless us with more.
With morning mind games somewhat stilled peace comes to rest gently upon my sensitive heart. I know all too well that it will be one of those days that will require me laying my weaknesses at His feet over and again. Little boy arms wrap tightly around my leg, risen sun transforming red head to fiery orange, soft sweet morning voice murmuring, "Mama, I love you." I look down into innocent sky blue eyes and am met with a sleepy smile. The day begins.
In an effort to remain transparent and real I open myself up and reveal the still raw wounds beginning to heal. As the turmoil of the last 5 months of our life is seeming to draw to a close I am beginning to see that the road to healing and growth is significantly longer. For in the midst of the lingering hurt the inner heart is exposed. As shades of pink begin to spread softly across the horizon my burdened heart finally admits that I am painfully weak in many areas and my ability to fall is great. But is it not in my weakness that I am made strongest....the ability for God to prove Himself to even greater depths within my own fallible humanness? So I wrestle.
I wrestle with blaming God for all that has taken place despite the fact I know deeply within both head and heart that He is at work in our lives, doing great and mighty things. I wrestle with hours and even days of intermittent envy of those that are still carrying their babies....now almost 30 weeks into their pregnancies....as our tiny boy lies frozen in time beneath a red oak tree selflessly bought by Grayson with his own money and lovingly planted by Brad seeking to help heal some of my own pain. I wrestle with long lived moments of anger as I watch others encounter a trouble in their pregnancy, watch people unite in prayer and then watch as all is resolved and both mom and baby continue on in good health and I angrily wonder why it couldn't have been me. I wrestle with the truth that I actually entertain the thoughts of wishing something bad would happen to those blessed families and that there would be a loss so that they could somehow understand the hurt...contradictions of my own heart confounding the mind. How on earth could I ever wish this agony on someone else???? How can I be so evil? I wickedly wrestle with actually hoping hurt would come to others foolishly thinking it would lessen my own inner pain somehow. The flashes of anger as I struggle with what seems in my human mind to be total unfairness that we have had to walk this road. Stark contradictions as I seek to give wholly of myself and allow the pain of the offering yet wickedly turn around and see the evilness within my own heart. Thoughts swinging like a pendulum from one extreme to the other as I drop to my knees and beg that no one would ever know this agony and guilt I know yet the very next moment wishing that every person had to endure such pain and that life would be fair. How on earth can my heart be so cruel? How is it that I can even be heard by a God that inclines His ear to me...that would even want to care for me? I wrestle with my own guilt........guilt of my own thoughts, my own actions, where my mind wanders, where I allow my mind to wander....... continually giving it back over to the Lord, my Salvation and my Forgiver. I wrestle with "loving the enemy" and not entertaining thoughts and ideas of how to make life more miserable than they have ever known or wishing death upon a boy that is merely 3 years older than our oldest child. I wrestle with the weakness that was left from years of rejection by men as my vain heart seeks to bask in any and all male attention that does come....ugly girl of long ago still pining for mortal, short lived beauty of youth. So it is that I wrestle with my wretched, deceitful heart.
Rising winter sun climbs gracefully over the hills and cloudless sky becomes a momentary canvas for God's greatest artwork. Relentless unforgiving thoughts take me back to a day that seems to forever live on within my mind. In the agony and all of the pain of the events surrounding Aubrey I discovered the existence of our baby. Weeks later as Brad and I sought to deal with it all both physically and emotionally I made the statement to a dear, sweet friend that if God took this baby I would not be able to go on.....that it was more than any heart could bear to be required to overcome both the loss of an adoption and the devastation of what took place with Aubrey only to be pushed overboard by the loss of a baby. Little did I know that it would forever haunt me as the "Titanic statement" of my own life. "Not even God could sink this ship" seemed to have brought out the wrath of God and sink the unsinkable. So it seemed that my own statement of inability to go on taunted Him to prove to my own doubting heart that I am indeed capable of much more than I consider possible. For the millionth time in a matter of mere months I begin to wonder if I asked for this miscarriage. Did I bring this upon myself by that statement? Did I evoke God's wrath? Did I hurt the baby as I sought to dull my own pain? Round and round my tumultuous thoughts go as the mind games continue relentlessly on. I know the truth. I do know the truth. And I know it will set me free. Why I continue to fight these inner battles that wage war within is still a mystery. It is over. I did survive. We survived as a couple. We survived as a family. So why does my mind dwell on what is now behind us? I know in my head and heart what is taking place and that we are being transformed into so much more than I can imagine so why do I wrestle so violently with the flesh?
Coffee growing cold in hand, guilt seeks to pervade and overshadow the new day. The same guilt that paralyzes and chains the heart when I think about that summer night that forever altered how I see life. Did I lose this baby because I failed her and cannot be trusted with more.....because I made an insane but heartfelt statement......because I cuss too much....because I cuss to begin with....because I don't wear skirts all the time and think I should receive a Martha Stewart award when I manage to fix a complete meal once every 6 months? Roosters crow, bare gray trees reach heavenward, leaves dance playfully down dirt road and I mull over what I already know. These are all works. If I had done all of these things right it wouldn't have earned me another baby....or the life of this one. It wouldn't have saved her or rescued her from her living nightmare. It wouldn't have even earned me into heaven because I am not working my way there. My place is secure...bought and paid for by the blood of Jesus Christ....my name written and kept there when I chose to accept that which He so freely offered to me. I know beyond everything in life that I will not ever enter into heaven by works but by the sheer saving grace of God who loves me more than anything I can ever imagine. Who cares so passionately for me that He did not punish me with these things but has used them to shape me into who it is He can use and to reflect His image a little clearer than before. So for the millionth time in the last 5 months I lay my guilt down at the foot of His robe and I reach out to touch Him. I hand over the pain of loss. I lay down the weakness of my vain, attention seeking heart. I lay down the anger and the frustration, the wicked, evil thoughts. I lay it all down on a level few people will ever know....on a level few people will ever allow themselves to know. It is by the grace of God that I am saved, that I am forgiven, that I am rescued from my own wretched self.
It is because of the grace and mercy of a loving God that we will go on to be blessed with many more children...both biologically and eventually adopted...despite Brad's and my shortcomings on every level. It is because of His grace and mercy living within us that He is using us to raise up mighty warriors that will not shy away or be afraid to fight for Truth and all that His kingdom is. It is because of His grace and mercy that neither Brad nor I have to earn more children and that He will continue to bless us with more.
With morning mind games somewhat stilled peace comes to rest gently upon my sensitive heart. I know all too well that it will be one of those days that will require me laying my weaknesses at His feet over and again. Little boy arms wrap tightly around my leg, risen sun transforming red head to fiery orange, soft sweet morning voice murmuring, "Mama, I love you." I look down into innocent sky blue eyes and am met with a sleepy smile. The day begins.
1 comments:
Hugs to you! We're in the Rubies Yahoo group together. I've been praying for you and your family. I have felt many of the emotions you have expressed while my body made many attempts to get pregnant and carry a baby to term. We've now been blessed 3 times over - with 3 angels in Heaven waiting for us :) Prayers still going up!!
Jude 2,
Emily
Post a Comment