Little Bit Homesick

I know the plans the Lord has for us here are good. And I know He did not open every door to pave our way effortlessly here for naught. But, there are days when I do wonder what is to come. I'm homesick. Really truly homesick...to the point of being overly emotional and letting the meaningless trivial nonsense bother me. Things that should never in a lifetime matter have begun to. Nuisances that would normally be, and should be, so easily brushed off are difficult to deal with as I struggle to find our new normal here. I read other blogs and, at times, it seems as though if anything other than utter, complete, blinding happiness is portrayed than you're not trusting the Lord....or the example being set is less than ideal. But, you know...we're here and this walk is not always a smiley one. My attitude could be better at times, but this is it. This is the very real part of life....not the picture perfect world that seems to be so mandatorily portrayed by some. It's the same type of mentality that takes place in church. Hardy pats on the back with boisterous voices that proclaim "Bless ya, brother!!!" while never digging deeper, or even more, turning around and being the world's biggest buttholes in the middle of the week. Put on the happy face for church so we can all walk away and struggle quietly in our walk with the Lord the other 6 days of the week. It's all surface, the correct face supposed to be worn to play the part appropriately...the "if you trust in the Lord you're always cheery on the outside" thing. And it's just not reality. Reality is....the very real aspect that husband does not have a job yet. Reality is that we both desperately have a heart's desire and a vision but implementing that and waiting and trusting is entirely difficult for someone who loves stability and security....especially where finances are concerned. Having come from a family with a father that made astronomical amounts of money in the 80's oil boom and as children we were given much and then living through losing it all, our massive house of 10 years being repossessed, forced to pack up the entire thing in only 3 days, then living in a rent house eating broccoli for a meal and giving up the family van as rent one month....leaves one to deeply desire stability in finances. Stability in every area of life. Trouble and divorce brewed for years in parents' marriage but after 30 years the finances and lack of stability was its demise. So, at the age of 19, my mom and I moved to yet another rent house as their messy divorce was sorted out. And so....I love stability in marriage and I love knowing finances are in order. 10 kids, pregnant, and no job does not always leave one with the warm fuzzies. But husband and I are desperately in love, we have the strength to make life work no matter what happens, we work together well, our children are well cared for and desperately loved and we do trust that the Lord brought us here for a reason.

So I'm here...overly emotional, a little bit stressed and whole lot homesick. I live in a fairy tale setting with a marriage most people will never in their lifetime experience but in the romance of our life is the very huge reality that we need an income to take place rather swiftly, and as beautiful as life is here there are many many people we love that we left 1500 miles west...in the sun and drought and bad income. How is it possible for one's heart to occupy two places like mine does at this moment? It, in a very real sense, occupies two different worlds unlike anything I have ever known. I watch my children run through the knee high leaves, jump with an autumn rainbow of foliage cascading down adorning hair like bows. I hear their laughter in the cold rain, greet them with cups of hot chocolate, watch them labor together with shovel after shovel until leaves fill trampoline and they pounce with contagious laughter that floats through open windows filling house with joy. I run in the 68 degree weather, up and down the hills we live in, feel life and blood coursing through veins and every God given sense is magnified 100 fold. I hold babies close and watch my 3 year old birthday girl...the very meaning of her name, energetic life...filling our home with joy unknown to most. She fills my heart with utter joy and brings girly yellow rays of sunshine to the masses of rowdy, fun loving boys she's sandwiched between.

And the tears fall while emotions overwhelm. There's stress. There's alot of stress right now and heart quivers at the unknown. But we are here and my arms and heart overflow with the abundance we have been given. Uncertainty, stress and a homesickness spurn frequent tears while emotions remain volatile. I don't miss the barren pastures void of all growth, struggling to feed livestock. I don't miss the 110 degree days from April until October. I don't miss the rotten attitudes of a very rural small town life and small minded people. But I do miss our little home. And I really honestly do miss the hard floors we had.....bad attitude aside. Most of all I miss what was that will never be again. There is no going back. If we were to leave right this minute it would never be the same. I miss the comfort zone and the stable income. In the midst of it all and in the stress of the unknown I hold solidly to the fact that I do know beyond everything within me that we were not bought here to be forsaken. The Lord has never once failed to provide for us and He is faithful in every way. He is good all the time and He has our best interest at heart. He has given us these children and He will provide for their needs.I can talk a big talk and say I trust the Lord and we're stepping out into the great unknown with the faith of a mustard seed, completely confident that He will provide, and I can say to pursue the dream and dare to live on the edge but walking it out is a very different story. It's the real life application that when you do follow Him there are great unknowns around every corner. And it's the reality of digging deep....deeper than I have in a long while....to know that He is in control and He is the one that has moved us and He is the one that provides for us. No fire dept is our provider, no second source of income is our provider, no insurance business is our provider. The Lord alone is our provider and I will trust because I know that just as He brought us through hell and back and I doubted His very existence during that time I know He will bring us through this and show us what His plan is for our family. When one gets out of the comfort zone is when one can be used the greatest. It is only then that he understands the height and width and depth and breadth of a God that is rarely needed by today's people. It's when one is being stretched the most that the most growth occurs. Just as it is with running...when it starts to hurt, that's when you start making progress....so it is in this walk of mine with the Lord. When I am in my little comfort bubble I am happy...and entirely grateful for absolutely everything because I truly know how exceedingly blessed our family is. But outside of the bubble is when true growth occurs. And I can feel it. Because I know the effort it takes to stay optimistic and not let the world come crashing down. I know the effort it takes on my part to not let the tears fall everytime my heart quivers with the unknown of finances and our future. I know the stretch it is for me to continue to smile for my husband and my children when I just don't feel very smiley. And that's where growth occurs. To lay myself aside, the trepidation of my own heart and my own past, overcome my fears and continually, moment by moment, lay it at the feet of the One that does have our future in His hands and knows exactly why He brought us up here...opened up every door and paved every step....to live our dream.

Despite homesickness and tears and deep desire to curl up in the comfort of the stability we left behind I still love it here. Even with 10 sick kids....I'm still in love. Weather is beautiful. Children play on untraveled paved hill while I run in the sun and the cool and the leaves. Cold days come and we do fires in the fireplace, soup, and, as of now, are curling up in front of good movies and books with the drastic number of sick kids we have going....and I go run while they sleep to keep my sanity amidst the coughing, earaches, fiery throats and to see something other than the four walls of the house. It is a wonderful life and I refuse to be drug down by uncertainty and lack of trust in a God that has proved Himself faithful over and over again within our life and within our family. I simply look no farther than our two little miracle boys and I know that He is faithful and His love endures forever. We are here. We are safe. And we will walk out the unknown with hope and excitement of what the future holds because He is the one guiding our footsteps.