To Live the Dream and Be Blessed

He squeaks and grunts and I am roused from light sleep. I know....my body tells me clearly....that daybreak is imminent. So for the 4th time in a mere 8 hours I rise and try not to be discouraged. My day has begun after only 3 hours of sleep. And I smile at him, his feathery light little self still needing round the clock sustenance for small body. His face lights up at the sight of me in the street lamp shadows. I smile back, whispering sweet affection for this baby of mine. Shift husband's alarm jolts mother and baby out of early morning reverie and I know it's 5:30am...confirmation of the upcoming dawn. I sigh, knowing there is no hope for more sleep, and baby busies himself with nursing. Momentarily he breaks from his sucking regime to flash a huge toothless smile upwards before continuing on. So, I lay self aside....desires of the flesh....and know that I can do this. I can make it through my day because I am blessed and I have been given the grace to do this and rise to the task at hand. How I yearned to be at this place in life only 18 short months ago. So many tears shed fearing I would never know this again. Yet here we are are at 5:30 am on a random Wednesday morning in life with baby at breast as the soft breathing of another growing life only feet away fills my ears. It's a sweet life and God is good throughout it all...through the fire, through the heartache, through the tears, through the loss and the guilt, and once we emerge on the other side.

Husband rolls over in the early morning. Big warm hand traces bare leg and he smiles at me in the quiet before turning attention to baby and rubbing little redhead. Baby once again pauses in his nursing vigil to smile yet again and coo endearment to his daddy. Clear blue husband eyes return to look into mine as he fingers and toys with long strands of thick dark hair, his absolute love and devotion to me apparent in the early morning darkness. How in love with him I am....lover of everything about me and amazing daddy to our children....provider, protector, funny one that can make me laugh when no one else can. Oldest son appears to ready for his day at work, breaking the quiet moment, and with the flipping of light switch my day begins.

I seek to be realistic in this journey of parenting and large family living. And I will not even begin to come close to saying it is easy or that it lacks challenges. That said, I think there is some measure of grace extended by the Lord to carry out this passion and love of life. It is massive amounts of hard work, from the sheer reality of keeping a small house presentable and sanitary with many people living within to the extensive amount of emotional investment poured into the lives of our children. Balancing the schooling of older ones and the needs of younger ones and all of the other things that I have found that go along with this stage in life. It's all in there and all part of it. But with the work, the hardships, the struggles, the continual search for balance comes the rewards of a thousand years in the span of one short lifetime. More joy, more contentment and more thanksgiving than I could ever have known attainable in life. It is an extraordinary life.

Now that the older children are beginning to grow into independence and lives beyond the four walls of home it is an amazing thing to finally be able to see tangibly what we have worked so very hard at these many years. Little kisses from heaven encouraging the heart. In days past I used to despise the attention our merry little crew would draw. Quiet, introverted self feeling out of place and uncomfortable at the sudden shift into spotlight. I think after the arrival of twins #1 and after baby #6 the comments and public opinion reached their worst. After #7 and #8 it was more shock at the sheer size of the family and the very young ages of children, but now with the arrival of twins #2 the comments and questions and entirely curious public have transitioned into encouragement to the mothering heart. And I just don't mind anymore. Gentle ways the Lord teaches and brings me out of my own self in order to learn to communicate beyond my comfort zone and for our family to be a testimony and encouragement to others. Derogatory statements have turned to those of praise and admiration over the years as our family has grown. No longer really scorned we have transitioned into a novelty to the public at large. And the doors that have been opened to meet new people as a result are still so amazing to me. This road we walk is a blessed one.

Yesterday while on the road to get Aubrey we were stopped by a sweet grandmother who told her daughter's story. 2 year old fraternal twin girls, 3 weeks of bedrest beginning at 32 wks and delivered by c/s at 35 wks with a few weeks of NICU. And I was once again reminded how blessed we have been. 2 sets of full term twins, 40+ wk babies, a natural hospital birth and a homebirth, and perfectly healthy babies. God is good and answered the prayers lifted up throughout each pregnancy...my every heart's desire. She sang the praises of our children and their behaviour and my heart was once again encouraged by the little kisses of encouragement the Lord sends to keep morale up and the, at times, weary body going. We are counted over and again and the novelty of our cheery, active little brood only seems to grow. And my discomfort with it all finally seems to fade over time.

While on my own with all 10 last week we were approached by a kind woman as we grocery shopped. Grayson backpacked Gatlin while I wore Graham on my chest. She marveled at the children and little twins and then, a bit suddenly, her eyes welled with tears as she told her story. Daughter suffered 6 miscarriages, both early and late, and now overwhelmingly blessed with "natural", or politically correctly known as spontaneous, twins. 1st grandbabies for her and she cried over the heartache it's taken to get here and the blessing they are....that children are. She was full of questions...like most people are. We meet many, many people like this and are continually stopped to hear of other's life stories. And the fingers....they point and they count and the low rumbling of the whispers could vibrate the floor of a room...but I just don't mind anymore. It is part of it and part of embracing where we are. To stop and take the time to listen, to be personable and take the time to move beyond self is what it's all about. To be the touchable, tangible testimony to which people can relate.

I find it funny at this stage in life that people assume that Evye and Aubrey are twins, as there is only a 2 in height difference between them, and that Garrett and Gavin are twins. When assuming we have 4 sets people usually reply after being told we have two sets with..."Ohhh! Only 2??!!" "Only two" is a bit humorous to me. As if it's perfectly normal to go birthing children in pairs. And the how many sets of twins and triplets still come. And the 3 boys are, more often than not, assumed to be triplets if they don't pair the 4 up as 2 sets of twins. People are funny to me and never cease to be an amusement.

We are now approached by many wherever we go. Being stopped no less than 20 times has become a regular occurrence...and 20 is nowhere near an exaggeration. It has taken time for my tolerance of this to grow and come to the realization that this is an opportunity to encourage others and show everyone that we are very much real in every way...fallible, common, everyday people that just happen to have been given a ton of kids. The problem I have found with pedestals is that no mortal man can balance precariously atop their stilt for long.....and it's a 1,000 foot fall to concrete when you come crashing down....and crashing down you will indeed come. But people tend to place these large families on huge towering pedestals that nobody can ever live up to. And the wannabe large families currently in the making tend to idolize the larger ones and set the number of children as something to attain or a goal to make. To me, it kind of loses the blessing of it all when it comes down to a competition between women over how many children they can sport to their name or see how many they can cram into as little time as humanly possible. We do have 10 children born in 12 years but I can honestly and sincerely say that if I learned anything through the loss of our baby it would be that bearing children is not my identity. And only other large family mothers that have reached this place would ever understand that statement and the depth that it holds. It's not a competition or about who has more or "catching up to the Duggar's". It's the ugly side of large families that no one ever really wants to address. But, it's there. The Lord has been mericful enough and so entirely gracious enough to once again assure that my focus is on Him and not anything else in life. I am the wife of Brad, mother to 10 children, and I have a purpose in life that is so much greater than what I can see. It's not about what I do or do not possess physically, it's not about the number of children I parent, it's not about homeschooling, it's not about having multiple multiples. It's about Him and where He wants me to be....where my thoughts are....where my focus is. And how blessed I feel to be here now, where I am and truly be able to say that if these 2 little guys were our last children I would be content. My heart is full, my life is full and my cup runneth over.

But, the pedestal thing....yeah...it can suck at times. And this blog, started as an attempt to put keyboard to emotions and create a written legacy for our children, has inadvertently become a public glimpse into the realities of large family living. And I seek to make this journey as real as it gets. Good days, bad days, praise, admiration, opinions, scorn and all that goes along with doing something as controversial as living this lifestyle. One of the greatest blessings ever encountered along this journey has been the ability to lay down trying to live up to everyone else's standards, trying to please anyone and everyone and just live the way we live.

More kisses from the Lord as He sends His messengers of encouragement....as we shopped as a family and were approached numerous times not long ago one particular lady came to admire and sing her praises of children's behaviour and manners. We paused from shopping to listen as she spoke of her childhood, of her memories of being raised in a large family, the bond and friendships between siblings and other things. She took a moment to speak to each of the children and kindly questioned the older ones with some small talk. They answered politely and we eventually parted ways with her gently patting each of the children and praising each of them. No more thought was given to the incident. Half an hour later the same kind woman returned and tugged my sleeve as she stood behind me. I turned to see her again as she reached for my hand and grasped it within her's. With deep gratitude and a teary thank you she actually thanked me for raising such amazing children, what an encouragement we are and slipped a folded bill into my hand as she walked away. She slipped around the corner never to be seen again as I unfolded a 50.00 bill.

Many stories I could tell of that nature. And how it blesses me to know that this job of parenting that sweet husband and I work so diligently together at does not go in vain. And that not only are our children a joy to us but also have the ability to be a joy to others as well. In the worst moments as we seek to figure out this whole thing and the attitudes that have the ability to come forth at home is the discovery that somewhere within them all it is paying off. The Lord does indeed honor those that seek Him diligently. And what an amazing thing it is to finally be able to see the fruits of our labor. And on the tough days...those days of little sleep and the days I grow weary from attitudes or sibling rivalry, the days I seem to go in circles and never make any progress at all and productivity wanes in every way....those are the days I think on these things and know how blessed we are. That the Lord does indeed encouarge the mothering heart.

This life...despite its hardships, trials and merciless thoughts that continually pound at the brain needing to be taken captive...is an absolutely amazing journey. And this seemingly sudden leap into "stardom"..said with much lightheartedness....despite my discomfort with it at times, is growing me into a whole new person...one that's learning to communicate, convey accurately the feelings that lie within, and move beyond self to be stretched far beyond the comfort zone.

Oldest appears to report that chores are completed and husband dresses in the soft closet light. He nears and caresses Baby A before turning attention to me. His hands weave themselves through strands of messy hair and I lean into him. He kisses my head as I wish him home like everyday before. Diesel rumbles away with husband and oldest son and I am left to my morning coffee and the temporary early quiet. How very amazing it is to be so loved and so steeped in beauty. It's a beautiful life.