Outside my window....windy early morning darkness with the light of an almost full moon to the west and the dim haze of sunrise to the east.
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I am thinking....I miss Evye but how grateful I am for these opportunities for our older children to broaden their world and expand their knowledge of life.
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I am thankful for....two paid off vehicles, a CD player within one of those vehicles and good music on road trips. I love music.
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I am wearing....Spandex running shorts with wind shorts over that and one of firefighting husband's cut off sleeve t-shirts
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I am hearing.....Bring It On Home by Little Big Town....a favorite
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I am remembering....that I have a very clean bathroom and the laundry is done. Both immense everyday joys to the heart.
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I am going.....to P90X before children awake.
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I am reading.....Radical. An amazing book that speaks my heart well.
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I am hoping....that the long road of forgiveness has an end. And that oneday I will look up and our nightmare of a story will be an amazing biography of forgiveness, which I feel none of right now. That the rocketing feelings of wishing death by fiery car crash and strange, contradictory sympathy will somehow make sense in the end when life is all said and done.
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On my mind....lots of stuff.
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Noticing that.....I just really hate the smell of Gain laundry detergent. Nastiness. Tide and Snuggle. But really we don't even use Tide anymore though it is by far my favorite detergent smell. Charlie's Soap is safe for cloth diapers...which we are not currently using...and is only .8 cents a load compared to Tide, which is a whopping .25 cents a load...which equals spending your life savings on detergent when you do as many loads as we do. So, clean smelling Charlie's Soap it is and the generic Sam's brand of Snuggle.
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Pondering these words....."He's taking a break from taking a break." Garrett
....so does that mean he went back to work, son????
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From the kitchen.....English muffins with Nutella, yogurt, chocolate milk and bananas for breakfast for everybody....except bananas for me. I don't do bananas.
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Around the house......the quiet of early morning
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One of my favorite things.....peace of mind and heart.
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From my picture journal.....
One of my beautiful boys
And, yes..he desperately needed a haircut. He's looking a bit fluffy. 5 little boys all lined up yesterday all got haircuts.
4 comments:
It is amazing, watching your children grow up in pictures. :)
Forgiveness... although I have lived long enough that I should somehow know HOW to forgive, it seems some things are so unforgivable. I read somewhere that forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. It does not give the offender a free pass. Forgiveness is not saying that what was done was not so bad nor saying that the offender shouldn't reap the consequence.
You refer to your life as a nightmare and you have had more than your share of that, but, when I read your blog & I see your quiver full of goodness I am blessed. Please do not lose sight of the many blessings that have been bestowed upon you. Nor the hard work you put into your own life.
Also, I do not think I am the only person out here in internet land who reads your blog & prays for you & your family & who keeps the free spirited girl in my prayers. She has been on my heart lately & I pray for her and that God uses her story for healing for others. And that daily, in the right now, that she finds the love & security that she needs in the comfort of her mommy, her daddy & her brothers & sisters. Don't forget to hold her & cuddle her. She needs it!
Blessings!
Oh Karen...please forgive me if it sounded like our life is a continually occuring nightmare. Nowhere in my heart did I mean it that way. My life is almost a surreal experience to me. Sometimes I look up and wonder how in the world I ended up here and why we have been so exceedingly blessed in so many ways. I think some of the deepest hardest lessons to learn in life and the hardest lessons endured in life result in the deepest growth at times...if you allow it grow you. It still is so new that it is a nightmarish event...but not a nightmare life. Our life is certaintly not a nightmare by any means. I am truly overwhelmed by the greatness of God and how He does save....that what I have been taught all of my life is now no longer just inherited beliefs but a deep personal relationship with the Lord that could only come from my own life experiences. I am blessed beyond measure and I do know that in so many ways. I don't ever want to lose sight of that or even come remotely close to taking it for granted.
One of the most amazing blessings to me even still is being told we may never be able to have more children after living through Aubrey's experence and then losing one and doubting everything I was...from the Lord not trusting us with more due to having failed as a parent in so many ways to not being worthy of more because of what happened. To walk through that and have to sort through those emotions and then to be blessed with not one but TWO more babies still causes tear filled emotions to come forth. He is a good and trustworthy and faithful God. His ways are indeed so much higher than my ways and His thoughts, my thoughts.
The hard part comes in the letting go and forgiving the actions done. It's been even harder still knowing there were no consequences for his actions per the US justice system. I do know that I serve a just God and that his actions will eventually come back to bite him in the butt. But until then it's just hard watching him walk and talk freely when we live in so small a town that it is inevitable to keep from crossing paths. So, I wage war with inner thoughts and emotions into the healing is complete within my own self. I have no doubt that at some point it will no longer be an issue..but for now, I still struggle some days..some moments...so much more so than others.
Thank you for the reminder of how blessed we are and thank you for the prayers. She does need them, as her healing goes in waves and tides, as does our's. We did not go through this for no reason and the Lord has such amazing plans for her life. Thank you for the encouragement.
Gosh, Nikki, I didn't mean to sound like I was chastising you. So sorry if I did. I would not want to in any way add to your pain, stress or worry. I just have to say, that I have always thought that if anyone touched one of my children that I would end up being the one in jail. I definitely would have murder in my heart. I say that to say, I stand in admiration that you live in your small town, see this vile person & allow him to continue to breathe. It angers me over & over to see how our justice system does not value the innocence of our little ones. I think it angers God as well. Nikki, I do not think it was an accident that I (and others) stumbled upon your blog. I believe that in a small way it is God ordained because now I get to pray for all of you. I want to. I am glad I get to. On a happy note, I love the way you & your husband love each other and how together you are raising all these wonderful people. HUGS!
And I admire the running too!!
I love the running girl too!!! She inspires me! And it makes me smile everytime I look at her. LOL!
No worries at all. I didn't take it as chastisement by any means. I just don't ever want to be perceived as a griper and whiner, and the thought of maybe possibly having conveyed that made my heart sink a little, when I know so well there is absolutely so much in life to be exceedingly grateful for. Despite what we have walked through God is really truly good all the time...words I honestly didn't think I'd ever be able to say with any amount of heartfelt sincerity. It's been a long haul, as you well know.
I love how the world of bloggers is able to bring people together and unite them in such a strange way. Keep praying, my friend. It's not quite over yet.
And, yes, my husband continues to amaze me by his love! I am in awe over the gift I have been given in him. He definitely completes me in every way.
And, jut so you know..I loved your comment a few weeks ago on "The Weighty Past" post. So much controversy over something meant to encourage!! :) The critics on here have definitely toughened me up a little. It's my story though...and I'm sticking to it! So glad you walked away with something from it. At least it did something for somebody. LOL!
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