Thanksgiving Night

The house is quiet and we're far from home. Little children sleep on sleeping bags strewn out on floors while quiet giggles of older children float down the dimly lit hallway. With Brad on shift the children and I made our way up to friends and family to fellowship and give thanks for all of life. Because, quite honestly, I didn't feel quite like giving thanks just yet alone on one of the most fun holidays of the year. When left unattended my mind tends to wander still and begin to linger on the hardships.

Today makes 2 weeks since the baby came and there is still no sign of this ending. "In a week or two" has officially crept by like the last 13 have done and nothing has really changed. I grow easily frustrated and tears never seem to be far....a vividly stark contrast to the old self that existed before summer in a world where tears were seldom to none. The dr's "week or two" prediction given at the hospital has now passed along with the "week or two" given after the phone call about the baby. I was sent for lab work early last week in which they called and said I am officially no longer pregnant due to my pregnancy hormones finally having dropped off the scale. Iron levels are finally starting to show signs of significant improvement. It was reason for rejoicing for a day or so. So, their answer to my questions? A "week or two". But once again we blew past that week or two too. I'm not sure why God has not healed my body yet. I'm not sure why day after day my heart's cries to Him go yet unanswered....or if they ever will be. I'm not sure why my body hasn't seen fit to function properly again after this. And I'm really not sure why those that miscarried the same time mine began in Sept are now so far along in yet another pregnancy that they have known now for some weeks. Maybe because God wanted to get me on my knees in a more intimate way than I have ever known. ...to the point that I cannot stand within His presence as I come to recognize His presence and all that He is....exactly Who He is. Perhaps He wanted to reveal Himself to me in ways He could never have otherwise done. Maybe now it is a just a test of my endurance. It has become a bit like running at this point. When I finally come to terms with the running and forget about the end...when I just come to accept the running for what it is and my mind falls into the rhythm of utter submission to my body and merciless mind quits fighting and striving for the end.....it becomes clear that I could run forever. Once the striving ceases the sense of infinite, victorious freedom begins to reign. So perhaps once I am no longer battling both emotions of the heart and mind and striving to be where I am not...for the finish line to come into view.....I will have conquered this race and the physical healing within can begin. Maybe this is God proving to me that I can go father than I ever dared think possible because of what He has enabled within me and what I am capable of doing in Him when functioning within the realm of His Spirit....and how far I fall when I fail to stay within it. It is so much more than a miscarriage at this point. It is learning how to push past the exhaustion point not just once but over and over and over again until it becomes a way of life...to know that I am capable of so much more even when I don't want to be.

(Women Readers Only - for the ones that have emailed asking questions as to the health of my body and have found it hard to comprehend or understand exactly what part of this process is still going)

I am tired of beating around the bush and trying to masquerade that which I speak of in shadowed, hued tones as I try to keep any and all female problems out of it. I strive to make this readable by the public, both male and female, and keep any and all information that may be too personal out of it.....especially when speaking in terms of female related problems. But I am exhausted, drained both physically and emotionally and tired due to massive amounts of blood loss over the last 13 weeks which still continues with no end in sight despite dr's "professional opinions" of where my body should be at this point of the process. I am just plain tired of trying to be discreet about the blood loss and the continuation of it when people are left trying to figure out exactly why I am still so caught up in this whole mess, emailing asking what the real problem is and what exactly I speak of that is still wrong with my body. It is hard to function on every level when dealing with what I am still left dealing with. As one can imagine it effects absolutely every aspect of life from daily responsibilities to marriage to physical energy levels. So, it has become a very very personal issue that extends far past just a common miscarriage at this point.



Back to Thanksgiving......So, we made the joint decision that while Brad busied himself with doing the Heimlich maneuver on all of the geriatrics in town the children and I would head to Fort Worth to celebrate with friends and family. Thus bringing us to the present. So, here I sit. Train whistle blowing while cars speed by seemingly oblivious to all of life and the sacredness of it. It was a peaceful day and one that could surprisingly not have been spent better elsewhere.....except with Brad. Children ran freely in perfect weather gathering acorns, pine cones, sticks and colored leaves. Most of the day was spent up in trees by the ones that had the ability to scale them. The rest of the crew was content to stay below and cheer them on while busying themselves with throwing rocks and acorns.... which eventually turned to just chewing on them when the pitching of them became mundane. Nothing like raw organic material to strengthen the digestive tract.

I'm glad we came. There is nothing like learning to be thankful in a whole new way. Having to learn to see and appreciate the tiniest things in life while in the midst of such infinite trials. I saw today the weathered wrinkled beloved face of my granny as she loved, cherished, appreciated and embraced the children and my heart began to beat in the same bittersweet way it does everytime I see how fast the years steal themselves away from us. Tall 11 year old boy stood next to her smiling and my mind took me back to those same sweet faces pressed together that same sweet way 9 short years ago. And I grew more thankful than I have ever been that my children know her the way they do. I am thankful for family gathered around a table, drawn together in unity, cemented together by a past of both laughter and tears, joys and struggles as we have discovered who we are as a family and how to allow each person to flow within the relationships we have been so freely given in each other....discovering how to make it all work despite our many differing opinions and personalities. I am thankful my children know that......that they know what it is to love unconditionally, to overcome differences, to work at relationships and that they know their heritage and how deeply they are loved.

As I sat perched in the rocker observing the world from my limited range of view I watched the children play and my heart found gratefulness....and total all encompassing love. As they rolled, wrestled and giggled on soft blue granny carpet adults sat by laughingly entertained with all of their antics. Baby went from person to person freely giving kisses, chattering and bringing utter delight to the entire room. My heart once again overflowed for the millionth time in life with the gratefulness I have for them.....my 8 sweet gifts. I love the absolute love they have for each other, the joy that they find and bring to the others and the friendships they have within each other. I am so entirely thankful that I have the freedom to take them anywhere and know that they will be a joy to those they come into contact with. I am grateful that I know that we can go anywhere as a family and not be a burden to those we visit....that the place we leave will be as clean if not cleaner than when we arrived....that they have been taught how to pick up, clean up, do dishes, straighten and respect other people's lives and the things which surround them. I love that after so many years of consistency and hard work that I know they will say yes ma'am and no ma'am, yes sir and no sir and show respect to every adult in the room. I am in awe as I watch them interact with others and we begin to reap the rewards of so many years of working towards the goal. We are definitely far from ever attaining it but to see such progress is such an encouragement. I can say with utter certainty that though we have put in many many hours of hard work this is nothing we could've ever done on our own. This is the blessing of the Lord being seen upon our life and in the lives of our children...that we can count them a joy and truly enjoy them like we do....to want to be around them and to have others want to be around them. This is something that only God could've done through us as we have stumbled and tripped our way through parenting. To have their hearts turned toward the Lord and to hear them give thanks for what they have been given in life is enough to soften the most hardhearted of hearts.

As we drove the distance from one house to the other this morning each one was instructed to give one life changing thing they were thankful for. It couldn't be something basic...though there are times for that.....but had to be life altering. Grayson was quick to say how much he loves and is so thankful for a big family. Evye's was for God giving her two lifelong friends that have become like her own sisters despite the 1,500 miles that separate them. Aubrey was thankful for all the traveling we do and getting to be with Granny so much. Garrison was thankful that God gave him such good strong climbing trees.....I thought that one defnitely topped the life changing list. Grant was thankful for his big outside to run and play all over. And then sweet Garrett came. He was thankful for Grayson who bounces him so high on the trampoline. He went on to state that when he bounces "so high up to God and is smiling so big that I can see God smiling with me and He's just so happy". I was once again reminded and brought to ponder how simple life is through a child's eyes, how they take everything at face value and how free they are to see and touch spiritually what I as an adult find so hard to reach at times. And I wondered all day what God looks like because I have no doubt He has seen Him. I was humbled by sweet Gavin's life altering bit of thanks for "pretty mama".

I am thankful that my children know and understand the love of God despite the fact that I have found it so difficult to teach them at times...because I find it so hard to grasp and understand myself. I am so entirely moved beyond words with thanks that I know and can trust that my children are indeed taught by the Lord. I am thankful for completely healthy children all gathered around a table filling their tummies with everything on their plate.....that they are not picky eaters and have learned to be grateful for what is being placed before them. I am thankful for Brad.....the nights spent curled up under covers laughing and talking, content in the companionship of one another. I am thankful for the fingers that lace themselves through my hair every night that he his home and that we find ourselves more captivated with each other than we were the day we married. I love that he is still so in love with me that his nights spent alone at home are sleepless without me by his side. I am endeared to the fact that he has now come to loathe a silent house.

I do love my life. Despite the hardships and what I find so hard to overcome at times...I am in love with the extravagance of the blessings bestowed upon me. God has been gracious to me.