And This Too Shall Pass

Alright...after thinking it through I came to the realization that that had to be about the most negative, pessimistic, self centered, whiny, gripy post ever. It is definitely no secret I am fed up with this and am just ready to throw in the towel.....a far cry from my generally motivated, highly driven, competitive, mow-the world-down-to-accomplish-the-goal self. But when I have so very much to be grateful for....my very life being one of them.....that post was just a downer. I will say though that it was very much reality and what is taking place. It was raw, unedited emotion and bluntly honest. I just found it kind of ugly that I found so very many things to gripe about. I mean...really. I can't do this forever.....unless of course my body sees fit to calcify the baby within like that woman in the news and then I'd be pregnant for some 78 years or something. So, this all will pass as I have known from the very beginning. It doesn't help my cause that I have never been known in my entire lifetime to be one with any amount of patience at all so this road is particularly trying for me since it is taking f-o-r-e-v-e-r. But, overall, I am still alive and that is a good thing. And on a side note.....there is nothing anybody could've done to prevent this. We have been seeing a midwife and her dr throughout the process and I have been under a dr's care so this is no reflection on doing things naturally. Crap just happens sometimes. We have been told that this is extremely rare to carry a non-living baby this long and no one really knows why my body chose to do it this way. My body just became tired of so much work over such a long period of time and so it just kind of went into overload and things went south pretty quickly. I can't really say that I'd choose to do it again this way but throughout this entire ordeal God has been so faithful and so good. He has not left me, abandoned me or forsaken me in any way....despite the immense amount of griping I have done along the way. He is good all the time. Words so entirely hard to embrace at times but no less true in any way. He is the only one that has gotten me this far and He will carry me to the finish line of this particular race....as He has done so many times before. He has been so gracious to me and loved me so much. He has blessed me with Brad and given him the patience to endure me over these last few months. It is amazing what grief will do to a marriage as we have had some of our best and worst moments throughout the last few months. But even our "worst" moments, though a little too stressful for me, are never that bad. Just a searching for how to better support each other when we are both completely and totally weary and sometimes pretty clueless about what to do for the other. I am forever amazed by his undying love for me and his unending patience with me as he has encouraged and supported me throughout my volatile, explosive, unpredicatible emotions.


So, I've come to the conclusion that maybe my negativity is why I never fare so well in labor. I've never been one to make labor look enticing. Instead of focusing on the awful part almost being over I get stuck in the "I'm so sick of this and I just want to be done mode." My ever patient self kicking in when the going gets tough, I suppose. So, if nothing else I am learning to transition my thinking from "I can't do this...this is never going to be over" to working on just thinking positively about each milestone...like when I go running. Short small goals. The lightpost. The rock in the road. The goat...they make great short goals since they move. Sometimes they walk towards me so I'm forever endeared to them since the goal is reached sooner. And sometimes they crap out and start running away from me so I have to step it up into high gear until I catch up to them so that I have crossed the short goal line. The oak tree. The county road. Then the top of the hill. Instead of just setting out staring defeatedly up at the top of the hill. So, just maybe that change of mind and heart will help get me through my next labor with a baby. Nothing has ever forced me to focus so hard on the positive as the last 4 1/2 months have. And admittedly, I haven't done so well at it. But I suppose that's the point. To walk away from this a much better, bigger, stronger, deeper, spiritually and mentally mature person and to know my Saviour more intimately than I have ever known Him. To know that He is so close that I can reach out and touch Him when I have just reached the end of myself. To know that when it just gets so so hard that I can trust Him implicitly no matter how bad it all seems. Easier said than done....even now. But I am learning. And I am growing.

On a whole different note...I couldn't help but notice through this whole thing that I came out of the hospital blown up like a little.....or big....water balloon. When someone sticks an IV in with a continuous drip for no less than 30 hours you're bound to have some water issues...cause no one in their right mind can possibly pee off that much water as fast as it's dripping in. I never knew one's nose could have water retention but it is entirely possible to have nasal water retention....cause even my nose was swollen when we arrived home. Miraculously though I was still smaller coming home then I was when I went in...except for the nose issue. And it is a very grand thing to finally have a flat stomach again. I honestly just thought I would always look like I'm 8 wks pregnant. I just finally figured that part was due to having had so many pregnancies. Never did I actually dream I was still pregnant.....kind of. But one of the most freeing things about this whole thing has been that since my body has finally seen fit to clean itself out I am now back to a flat stomach. It seems like such a small thing to most but when you're looking for the tiniest things to be positive and thankful for that happened to be one of the bigger ones. So, I have water retention in my nose but my stomach is finally flat.

The little ones return home tomorrow. It's been hard since Ivye's never been away from us overnight. She's rarely ever been left at all. It has been absolutely amazing how clean the house has stayed, how unmessed up the outside is , how little wash there has been and the dishes are pretty much non existent. As amazing as it is to walk in the living room and see it in perfect shape and walk outside and not have one thing messed up it has made me miss them even more. It almost seems more out of place when it's in place then it does when it's all messed up.

As for the 4 at Mother's, they are staying until next Sunday, the 15th. I'll return to Fort Worth to pick them up and spend a few nights to attend the bread class that next Tues that I never made due to the past week's events. It seems like a very long time to live without them but I'm determined to enjoy the time they are absent since it comes so rarely. As empty as it already feels there's actually a ton of stuff I will be able to get accomplished during their absence. So, assuming I start to feel better and the pain subsides I have a whole list of stuff to knock out while my load is light.

Grayson's 52 chicks arrived in the chaos of this past week. They look a bit like black wind-up cotton balls. Grayson and Brad got finished with the new walk-in brooder just before they arrived so it has been much easier to care for this little flock of new arrivals. Grayson's egg business is booming. He has absolutely amazed his buyers and racked up a little fan club as they have slowly discovered that he is the one cleaning the coop, buying the feed, feeding and watering them, collecting the eggs and is responsible for their overall care. He has done exceedingly well about sticking to the plan of 10% tithe, 10% spending and 80% in the bank. He now has a savings account and is working on saving for a truck when he turns 16. Brad and I have discussed with him that if he is diligent we will meet whatever he has in the bank to help with the cash purchase of it. So, he has been highly motivated by that and done really well. And he bought all 52 of these new chicks. The business man himself decided, after educating himself and asking tons of questions, that he has to spend money to make money. So it is that he decided that it was in his best interest to buy the new chicks in order to lay more eggs so that he can now sell at the local farmer's market. The new chicks should start laying in the spring sometime.......assuming they don't all get eaten by the dog. Pretty impressive for an 11 year old.

Evye has been highly motivated by Grayson's achievements so she has decided to attend the bead class with me and start a bread business. We'll see how that one goes since it has a huge potential for depending on my help. But she already has a huge market since Grayson's customers are now asking us to do a beef cow, a milk cow, some Cornish game hens and homemade bread. I guess when it comes right down to it we could be the next local farmer's market if we had the notion. But, we don't have the grassy pasture for a beef or milk cow since our's are pretty much dry, desert, cactus fields and to clear and plow them up at this point is going to be a huge endeavor financially. So, that leaves us with with the option of really doing meat chickens and some bread stuff. We'll see. It's not like I don't have enough to do already. Eventually we'll get our garden planted. It's been on the drawing board for 3 years now. But when it does finally get up and running I'm thinking it'll be enough to feed us and not the rest of the town. So, we'll keep the produce for our own use...if we ever get to the produce point.

Anyway, chick pics to come.