For unto you is born this day.......your baby. Despite the best of medical technology, all of the many dr's, nurses and techs telling us our baby had been passed sometime Tues evening and the many months of this ongoing process our tiny baby was "born" to us this past Wednesday night. Brad and I were a bit bewildered and somewhat awe struck that so many hospital sonograms missed baby still residing within. After talking it over for quite some time I am certain that God supernaturally hid our baby from the sonographers. Had they found him I would have undoubtedly been rushed in for a D&C immediately and He has been so faithful to keep me out of surgery throughout all of this....even when I was so ready and so willing to go into it. I'm still not entirely opposed to having a D&C just to get this over with but I am so blessed and so humbled that He spared us and allowed us to see this baby of our's. It could so easily have ended with me in the OR, everything within being removed and us missed having ever seen what still lie so unknowingly within. How easily they could've just whisked me away and gotten it over with due to my cries and pleas of ending it all. His hand is becoming so apparent throughout this whole, very long, arduous process. The coming of our baby was so much of a shock to both of us that we found it hard to comprehend that what we gazed upon was a human life....our baby. But the coming of him was planned and orchestrated so perfectly in the Lord's time and so apparent, if for no other reason, than the fact that Brad was home when it happened. Seeing the baby was the absolute most amazing, miraculous, healing thing that has occurred for both of us since this road began so very many weeks ago. He was perfect. Though still unfathomably tiny he looked like a boy and had perfect arms, little elbows, little wrists and hands. We could even see his toes and where the umbilical cord is attached. He had a mouth, nose, eyes, everything. I was entirely unprepared to ever see him or the healing that came from the whole night. I thought this was something that was so far gone and so far removed from ever being a possibility that I just had to accept it for what is now and what we had been told occurred. I have been told everything from my body having reabsorbed the baby to the fact that he was still in there to him having been passed somewhere unknowingly along the way....and then there he was. As I stood there observing this tiny, tiny life that had actually lived for such a short time I was silenced by the intricate work of such an almighty God. How, when He is the God of the universe, does he form such a tiny life and take notice of it? That He plans each of us, knows our every inner thought, that He formed us and shaped us before we were born? To try and put something so deeply personal, so amazing and entirely life altering into words seems to cheapen the gift we were given. Words seem to so drastically fail what it is to look at another human's life as it is being created....a life that God used Brad and I to create. How do I ever describe what it is to see our baby, touch our baby still being created? If I had to do all of this all over again for that one moment in time I would. My inadequacies are great as I seek to convey what it was to gaze upon both life and death that night. Yet another part of the Bible that has been read so very many times before but actually leaped from the page and came to life in those moments in time. David wrote it in relation to himself but as I pondered this I realized that not only does it apply to my own self and every living person on earth but it also applies to this baby that was still being formed. It brought more and more comfort as I began to contemplate it specifically in regards to this little tiny life....something so tiny it seemed impossible to have even existed. As I meditated on these verses for some time I began to substitute the word "him" for our baby where the word "you" is used.
"For You did form his inner parts, You did weave him in my womb. I will give thanks to You for he was fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works and my soul knows it very well. His frame was not hidden from You when he was made in secret and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth. Your eyes have seen his unformed substance and in Your book they were all written. The days that were ordained for him, when as yet there was not one of them." Ps 139:13-16
"Thus says the Lord who made him and formed him from the womb." Is 44:2
When I gazed at life no bigger than a walnut I cannot help but wonder who exactly this God of the universe is and why He cares....why He takes such great interest in something so miraculously tiny as He forms every intricate detail and turns it into the person that our children become....that Brad and I have become. I ponder the personality differences, the minute details of each of their physical attributes, how they all resemble the other yet are so very much their own person with their own identity and then think in terms of the 3 billion people on earth and how He knows them all, so specifically planned them and the exact time and place of each life. How incomprehensibly vast I realized God is as I stood staring at human life the size of a nut. How can one deny the existence of God? How can scientist say that life and this tiny little person just evolved over time? How can one doubt as they hold their baby in their arms for the first time or see the absolute miracle of their children grow? How can anyone say there is no real Creator when you behold the work of God in such an unfathomably tiny, unfinished state? How can one ever live in disbelief? I have seen God....the very hand of Him at work in my own body, the face of Him in the body of such a tiny life, the very presence of Him within my own spirit. How can so called Christians become so apathetic as to even stand in the presence of such an Almighty God? How can people become so insensitive that they no longer even recognize Him when He comes and occupies a place, resides in the very same room they stand in? How does one ever describe what it is to see first hand the work of God as He creates life? How do I ever stand within His presence again?
3 comments:
Nikki--what a beautiful gift!
and what an Awesome God!
I'm sorry for the loss of your son, but have learned so much from you during this time. Thank you for sharing your heart on this journey.
Nikki, you don't know me, I found you on Twinstuff, after searching for help for my niece who is a twin and miscarried a full term baby.
I lost my first born a day after her birth due to meconium aspiration, unfortunately it had happend days before I went into labor and she had been ingesting the toxins. She lived 20 hours. After her, even though I was able to birth two healthy boys, I also suffered numerous miscarriages.
Two things: on the day of my firstborn's funeral, my husband saw a rainbow in the sky, in Michigan in February, you never see rainbows in the winter, but he saw God's promise that he would take care of us and things would be better.
And if it helps any, this is something that helped me to cope in the days after my daughters loss. My sister told me I should be happy that all my daughter had to do was be born, suffer briefly, and then she was able to enter the gates of heaven. She did not have to suffer the stings and arrows of life, and that I should rejoice that she was given her reward so quickly. You have to look at this as you were a vessel to aid another soul to quickly ascend and be in eternal peace and glory. Perhaps this child's journey in life was supposed to be short. We cannot know God's plans for every one of his children, we have to trust that he knows best. Sometimes we can't have what we want, and we grieve for it, but in time we will come to understand this little soul's purpose in life, maybe not until we have joined him/her in heaven, then we will know and rejoice that we were chosen to help this soul realize it's purpose.
It hurts beyond belief, and you want to yell and scream and ask why and why me? But, as times passes, it will get easier, and even though there is a part of your heart that will never heal, there will be more joys in life to help ease that ache. It will get better, you just have to work through all of this and keep your faith.
Deb
so thankful the Lord granted you to behold what he created, what he fashioned and then allowed you to see what he made.
Cindy
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