The Valley of the Shadow of Death

We lost our sweet tiny baby around 14 wks. Nothing compares to the anguish of this. My heart refuses to be comforted. When will this end? How within only a 2 month period can your heart handle one of your own little girls being raped and beaten at knife point and then continue on only weeks later to lose a baby that is so loved, so wanted, so much already a part of our family. This baby that already had a name and a place among our family. How does one continue to carry on, to live normally? The anguish seems unbearable, this hurt....pain...so far reaching that it engulfs all of life.

Edited in 2013 to add: 

Due to the intense interest of what occurred in our family, questions being asked of us, and where the story begins....this blog post is the beginning of it becoming mentioned anywhere to anyone. Though the event with our daughter took place in mid July this blog post was written only days after we discovered we had lost our little boy at 14 wks gestation. All of the pain seemed too much to bear and the journey becomes words at this point. The road of devastation and eventual healing begins at this post on the blog.  Intimate details of what occurred that night are not made known and probably will never be made known. At some point in life, we may come to the point where we are at peace with telling exactly what took place but, as of now, we do not feel it necessary to share anymore than what has already been shared here and in an effort to continue to protect her privacy. We will eventually give her the choice of how much of her story is shared to the public. If it ever is it will be solely as an effort to help other victims. 

Pictures

Look who's FINALLY got a bug antennae! So, I could've planned it a little better and put her against a white background since her hair and the cabinet are both brown...but you get the idea.

When the days finally start to cool off a little. Notice there's already 2 way up in the tree...the glimpse of orange and the glimpse of maroon are kids.

Poppy...one of Violet's 2 surviving kittens. They grew. And, honestly, he's just kinda ugly.

Figuring out how to get up the tree.

A perfectly placed lawn mower.

Mowing the rocks in the buff.....how he does most of everything these days. On a potty training note.....he's peeing in the toilet all day long now and getting better at pooping. We're almost there!

Ever the smiley one.

Serious boy play - for the curious or the ones who did notice...the scratched up part of the wall behind the boys is actually where our the metal pin in our leather recliner scraped the paint off until it actually not only peeled paint but destroyed the paneling. It really isn't the dried on caked up chocolate pudding that it looks like. No, we do actually wash our walls...once every 4 years.

Her first official nail painting. Brad said she's officially been girlified.

Everyone's amuzed by this
The nail painting party

Coco Puffs and painted nails. Life's good.

Setting up the 2nd bunkbed in the boys' room. So, the whole boy's room and girls' room lasted all of 2 weeks, if that, before the girls ended up on sleeping bags camped out back in the boys room. They all missed each other so much that everybody hated the separation. Back to 7 kids in one room and 1 in the other. As of now there are 2 twin/full bunkbeds and a single twin bed now in the room. It's supposed to be that Garrett and Gavin have one bottom bunk, Garrison and Grant have the other bottom bunk while Grayson has top, Aubrey has other top and Evye has the twin. But right now they all switch it up every night with different kids sleeping here, there and everywhere. Garrett and Evye share one night then Evye and Garrison share one night then Grayson and Garrison share one night...pretty much fruit basket turnover every night much to everyone's absolute delight. So, gone are rolling up the sleeping bags every morning from girls gravitating over to boys room. They now all have a bed back in one room. The other twin/twin bunkbed still remains in the girls room....just unslept in. They're only little for so long so we might as well indulge. Separation will come in time.

After a hard day spent mowing the rocks.

Napping with his motocycle gloves

Getting Real

I am falling noticeably behind in my blogging efforts once more. Seems to be the story of my life as of late.

Anyway, along the "getting real" line.....as if life could ever be "unreal" around here. There's a little too much reality in my life to try and paint a perfect impression. And I fear if I dared try portray a perfect little impression it would be in mere ruins or shattered, lying in embarrassing little pieces as the reality of life itself overtook my words only hours after the fact. There are certainly times that it is not hard to proclaim the blessings of our life or even beam with pride as and sing our children's praises as we win such rare awards as "Family of the Year". I am quite certain that one will stay with us our entire lifetime as a humorous honorable mention in the hall of fame life book. But then there are those times...those days or even weeks....that life is very normal. More normal than anyone can ever imagine. But I suppose normal is completely relative. My quiet days spent missing on here are spent watching children swim while hot dogs.....quite literally hot, stinky, panting dogs.....lay flopped out in the sun or chewing crap up......while I kiss scrapes and bruises, play referee between all of the sibling fights, and just, in general, try to effectively teach children of every age the importance of immediate obedience....which is painfully slow in coming. As I humble myself I will say that as dearly as I love my children and as good, well behaved and obedient as they all are...you know, I do have to preface what I am about to say with a disclaimer.....there are days they drive me nuts. I would not trade my life for anything and there has been no other time in life that I have ever been as fulfilled as I am right now but there are times when it all escalates and life with many young children takes a toll on the brain, the nerves, the sanity of oneself. The older ones seem to be fighting more..........or well, ok more honesty here...there is no seeming to it....they just ARE fighting more....and the younger ones seem to be a bit bored with all of life. I digress. We do well with teaching manners and behaviour but I fall miserably short when it comes to requiring my children to act immediately in obedience or contain themselves enough to actually consider the wellbeing or feelings of their siblings as the first response to any given situation. I know it is entirely normal to have siblings in conflict with each other but our's seem abnormally possessed with the need to challenge to the death to preserve the goodness of their name. We have taught them well that " a good name is more desirable than great riches" but where in the world does one draw the line and actually learn to lay themselves down for the life of their brother...or sister???? Does a point in life ever come that they discover how absolutely needless and petty it is to prove a point that will no longer matter in a mere 3-5 minutes??? And heaven forbid if anything is ever their own fault....because it would afterall reveal that their name is not as great as they would like it to be. I grow weary of listening to them. And I speak really only of the older 2, mostly. Aubrey will, at times, take part but it is mostly the bickering that goes on between the oldest 2. The competitive, driven nature that is so apparent in all of our children seems painfully apparent in those two. I can assure you that raising the younger 6 is by far easier than raising the oldest 2. I think perhaps due to the fact the oldest 2 in any given family are like the trail blazers for every parent....whether they have only those 2 children or a whopping 20 behind them. I visualize it in bed on those long sleepless nights of it kind of resembling laying railroad tracks. The blood, sweat and tears that are shed as they heave those massive steel rails into place, driving in the nails or welding the steel....whatever they do and however they do it.....and then having to test them in every way, every square inch of the new tracks they've just laid. And then those first few trains run across them for the very first time. But years after the fact as wear and tear perfect and age those old steel beams they become quite seamless and trains run across them in seeming effortlessness as they click and clack along in that pleasant swaying rhythm . Of course, throughout the years there are repairs that need to be made and upkeep done. That, to me, is the re-evaluating of your initial ideals and expectations of parenting in general as you realize what exactly is needed and what is just extra fluff and stuff that makes life harder and more difficult. I learn about myself with each new child and having specific ones with different needs at so many different ages. What skills of mine need to be sharpened? What's not working that's just gotta go? What do I personally need to fix about myself? How could I better pray for them and encourage them? Let's not even start down that list. How could I better manage my time and help them better their time management. Let's not even dare tread down that road either.

Bunny trails there. The point.....my railroad tracks in life. My 2 trail blazers and then the 6 behind that seem to just fly down the tracks at break neck speeds quite effortlessly as they go. So, in a way, I truly believe it does get easier with more children. The actual work load does grow but the overall emotional toll that the older children take far exceeds the work of all of the younger ones combined. So many people wonder and ask how these large families make it all work and how they cope but in all reality most people never make it far enough to discover the other side of life with children. They only know what it is to have those 2 trail blazers.....they never really know what it is to have those many trains so many years down the road running effortlessly down well oiled tracks.


So, maybe this stagnant air about our little crew is just the restlessness of summer coming to an end, the nervousness of beginning yet another school year despite our many years of success at it, the anticipation and absolute excitement of a far away vacation to a land our children have never seen, or maybe just the funk of early pregnancy and the irritability that always seems to go along with it. The days here are painfully hot and even the wind fails to provide any sort of relief. If you are not swimming then you are in danger of heat stroke. I suppose I could be the amazing mother and fingerpaint with them, read any number of biographies to them, spend our days creating collages of some sort, make up interesting scavenger hunts, teach letters to little ones or something of the creative nature but in all honesty my motivation to do much of anything is pretty much non existent. Early pregnancy exhaustion is wreaking havoc on my routine and my restless funk pervades. A longing to leave the heat and push bare feet into sandy beaches overcomes my being. I long to feel the wind and sea spray as we take boats from one place to another and show our children the world, visiting with old friends while children run freely playing, talking, dreaming with dearly missed best friends. And as the days seem to drag by as we impatiently wait for depature day we all just kind of wander around. I know...wise use of the time we have between now and then. I could be cleaning bathrooms, sweeping the floor for the thousandth time in one day, washing sheets, or just organizing. But just....for whatever reason, not now.

In all of the anticipation of our upcoming 2 week roadtrip across 8 states, 3 boats, 4 lighthouses and where ever else we may find to discover while out touring the US we have much to prepare for. Brad has already put a computer chip in the van to give it greater power and get 5 miles more to the gallon. I am in love with what he has done to it. And I am ever grateful for the man I married that absolutely had no knowledge of vehicle care at all and 10 years into our marriage can fix most any given thing on all of our vehicles. I am amzed by his ability to find the problem and just fix it. I watch him trouble shoot and then narrow it all down as he fixes stuff one by one until we have a perfectly running mode of transportation. He still continues to amaze me and win my heart over.


So, travel grocery lists are being made, packing lists and every other kind of list since I am a very list oriented person. It is by far becoming easier and easier to do huge, momentous vacations with everybody since we travel so much anyway. This year I have found it far easier than last year's trip to TN. I think we have pretty much perfected the traveling skills. And in the midst of preparing to leave we have a trip to Nanny and Pawpaw's coming up this weekend, Evye's birthday, my birthday, Brad's and my anniversary and then the boys birthday immediately following our arrival back home. So, despite the funk I spoke of earlier in the post, we have much to be thankful for and so very much to look forward to. We have decided to hold off starting this school year until after we return. Grayson will be entering 6th, Evye 4th, Aubrey is starting her 1st grade curriculum and this year Garrison and Grant will be joining our little school room with their kindergarten stuff. Once again, I am so grateful in every way to have our children home with us. Public schools started this past Monday and as I listened to the buses rumble down our dirt road I embraced each and every one of our pajama clad children as they sat and ate breakfast happily together. But, that is another post for another day.



Lastly and on a blessed note, this little miracle baby of our's, that has survived so much already between early pregnancy sickness and the stresss of everything else that has taken place over the last few months, continues to thrive. There still is no sign of any morning sickness, thus leading me to still be 100% convinced this tiny one is all boy. Poor Ivye will be quite protectively sandwiched between a whole host of loving brothers. A dear friend of our's in MN found a birthing pool for us and has already shipped it out and we have ordered our very own doppler just for our own personal use. We had one that another dear friend loaned us with Ivye's pregnancy and I loved having it. We found one that was relatively inexpensive and is well known by both midwives and dr's alike. I am elated. So, as we begin to gather items and prepare, this baby and this pregnancy seem to become more real with each passing day. Though it is still many months away and I have just now hit the 12 week milestone I feel like I can actually let go, lay down the rest of life and grow excited about this budding life developing within. I have my 1st appt in a few days and hopefully sweet baby within will be big enough to finally hear the beating of its unborn heart.

The Dog Days of Summer

In the midst of falling behind much has transpired. As we are preparing for our upcoming vacation to the east coast we had been praying fervently for God to meet our needs both financially for this trip and for a new vehicle....as ole karate man wasn't proving to be so efficient where gas was concerned. Despite the fact karate man has taken us all over the state and been to Tennessee and back Brad was still not so enthused with taking it as far east as the coast...since it was only getting around 8 miles to the gallon when pulling the trailer. Since we now pull the trailer into town for grocery trips we were able to experiment with it and had quite the reality check when we all watched in horror as the gas gauge visibly headed speedily to the empty state before our very eyes. It was a little disheartening to say the least. The van was undoubtedly road worthy due to all of the work we have had put into it and that Brad himself has put into it over the 2 years we have had it but it still wasn't quite what Brad had in mind when it came to far distance travel. In the midst of all that has taken place over the last few weeks our van prayers were left a little to the wayside. But while in town with just sweet Aubrey a week or so ago we came across a monster of a diesel van sitting quietly by the road with a "For Sale" sign screaming loudly at Brad. I must admit I was a little wary...as we had just gotten our van up to a great reliable condition and this was a foreign van with no known history to us. Upon checking on it and knowing the sellers through multiple friends we felt confident that God had indeed blessed us quite heavily on the vehicle end of things. It housed only a few minor issues Brad could easily fix and we would have a great diesel van with a deer guard thrown in....which is becoming increasingly more important as we live through many deer seasons in these parts....and take out our fair share of them in there. I laugh at the thought of how I used to want a deer guard just to look tough and cool on the road and now I just want one for sheer survival. Granted, the little guard on this won't offer much protection against a full size deer but it will deflect it a little.....maybe. Brad has plans to make a bigger bumper replacement for the van similar to what is on his truck but, for now, this small chrome one might help a little....at least one can only hope. I guess it beats nothingness for sure.

I still have yet to get used to the monstrous diesel engine. It is quite an all empowering feeling as you listen to yourself going down the road sounding as though you could take out every car in front, beside and behind you if the urge ever fell upon oneself. And we actually have working doors with no metal chain and bolt clanging around on the back door as we hit 75 cruising down highways. Gone are our redneck ways..although not entirely, given the fact that not all of these doors lock either, the speedometer doesn't quite see the need to work and the AM/FM radio works though you have no idea what station you might be on given the fact that it does not light up to reveal anything about it. So with the difference of what we bought the van for and what we were able to sell the other van for Brad went and bought a GPS system that reveals both time and speed. A little disappointing for me since speed guessing had become the children's all time favorite thing to do in the new van. And amazingly once we had the GPS we had all been pretty much on target in speed estimates. Who ever said homeschooling was dull and boring? If any of them ever choose to become policemen they'll be quite educated in their estimates of speed. Now the radio station guessing is still holding its appeal. They have all become amazingly good listeners in an effort to beat out their siblings as they listen for the DJ to announce the station name and yell it out before anyone else does.

Overall, the van is in great shape and a huge blessing that came not one moment too soon. God does indeed incline His ear and meet the "needs" of His children. We had all agreed this was most definitely not a "need" but was classified as a "want". If we are to make the east coast trip then it made the change to "need". And our need was met.

The same day we listed our old van for sale it sold to another large family. We loaded everybody up for a day road trip and took off for Austin to hand it over. I think we picked the hottest day of the year to make the trip. Once we wound our way through the Texas hill country and arrived at our destination the temp signs were reading 107 and 108. This would not have ordinarily have been an issue except for the fact that given the heat neither of the vans can handle putting out really cold air while they idle so it quickly grew to a humid, muggy temp within the van. Children grew restless as we waited so we finally unloaded everybody in our empty car lot meet up place and let them run. Though at this point running had pretty much been taken out of the equation as they all crashed under the shade trees next to the gas station while the wind blew in a fashion that resembled a bathroom hair dryer set on low. It was enough to just have some air movement though and the stretching of the legs did everybody some good. Soon enough keys were handed over to the new owners and red cheeked children with hair pasted to their heads by sweat began to reload and buckle in car seats. With icy cold air now blowing once more we gladly left the crowded suburb streets of Austin and headed back out to the desolate, drought ridden hills that would take us home. Children played obnoxiously in the back while little ones came up with games of their own. Brad and I were just able to sit and talk. Huge sprawling ranches dotted the sides of the highways we traveled as we sat, content to enjoy the noise of the backseats, the rumble of our "new" diesel van and the company of each other.

I have to say though that I am kind of missing my little karate man. Somewhere in there and the joke that it was I became attached to the little dude. Now we are just the normal family in the tan, boring, unmarked van going down the highway. Gone are the days of being unmistakable.

So, on to other happenings. We bought a large pool many weeks ago but that, also, has been left out due to life happening. After some wise advice from a friend Brad and I had to agree with the fact that buying a huge pool would still be cheaper than making town trips 3-5 times a week while paying for 7 children to take swimming lessons. But their lack of swimming abilities greatly concerned both Brad and myself. Each summer it became more and more of a necessity rather than a luxury. Children must know how to swim. With much trepidation Brad set the 4 ft pool up as close to the house as he could get it. It took less than 2 hours for Grayson, Evye and Aubrey to go from amateur swimmers to total athletes in the water. They quickly went from just getting used to it to diving little fish. The 4 little boys were much more of concern. Armed with life jackets they entered the water on that first day with little control..even with life jackets. In only a matter of an hour or so they had become as daring and lively as the older 3. They are now jumping from the ladder and being thrown across the pool plunging under water only to come up laughing begging for more. Brad and I have been consistent with getting in the water and working with them without the aid and security of life jackets. That did take a little longer but Garrison and Grant are now swimming somewhat well. Garrison has a bit of an advantage given the fact the pool is only 4 ft and he can bounce his way to the edges without truly swimming. Grant is still quite a bit shorter than Garrison so when he stands on the bottom he is fully submerged. They both can actually truly swim for short distances. Garrison can go from one side of the pool to the other while Grant can go from about the middle to the side of it. But they both have great breathing control and, more importantly, neither of them freak about being under water in the middle of the pool without a life jacket. Both know how to safely reach the edge by themselves. Both have a very healthy respect of deep water. They are still far from being aloud in the pool without a life jacket if there is no adult out there but we are seeing much progress on their parts. Garrett is a little slower in learning but he also is getting there. He has yet to truly take off swimming like they have. And Gavin.....well, Gavin is just him. Not in a great hurry to conquer anything that looks terrifying to him. But due to the fact we have all been in the pool everyday for weeks now he is establishing a healthy love along with a huge dose of respect for deep pools of water. He can sit in his turtle floatie and laugh hysterically as he is thrown up and lands with a huge splash sufficiently soaking everyone within a 5 ft radius. He also is ok with being thrown into the water without his life jacket. He goes under quite a ways and comes back up composed. I wouldn't exactly say he's a great fan of it but he is learning to hold his breath and figure out what it is to be in the water and under the water. And he does love life in his floatie as everybody fights over who gets to pull him around next and do water derbies as they compete with the speed of his turtle. Somehow Grayson and Evye manage to make the float go from turtle status to speeds that rival the bigger swimmers in the pool. He is in love with this game. And once again I am absolutely amazed by Grayson, Evy and Aubrey as I watch them stay so intuned to each and every swimmer in the pool. IN some ways it is like having 3 of me out there. When life jackets come off Grayson will assign himself a swimmer and Evye will assign herself a swimmer and they stay with them, teaching them and working with them. I think they have done more good for the little guys than Brad and I could ever do on our own. Something about learning from a sibling that makes life so much more fun and the motivation to learn that much more.

Our mission was accomplished in that they all feel comfortable in their life jackets and can easily and effortlessly float in them while maintaining control. And we have swimmers out of the deal. Being comfortable in a life jacket was a big thing for us since they will be playing in the Atlantic Ocean in only a matter of weeks and we will be taking 3 different ferries to different ports within it. The big ferries seem reliable enough that I have no real fear of these but the little pontoon boat that goes from land to cape is enough to make a parent ensure that all children are comfy and educated in the event they need to float awhile.

The new ride

How you know Gavin's been in the bathroom

Heading to Austin...more historical landmarks to fill the pages of our landmark book


The caravan to Austin....new van, old van. I still think the old van looks bigger and felt bigger. Brad sticks to the fact they are exactly the same. He said the color plays tricks on the mind. Doesn't really help that we cut off the front of the new one in the pic.

More landmarks for the book...this one was really interesting.

Lazzy finding Aubrey wherever she sleeps

Days lived in the pool....pardon the sagging trampoline enclosure. They seem to completely not understand what it is NOT to play Spiderman on the net.

Early morning hours out helping Grayson before the heat sets in

Filling it up

Happy happy kids to have water. Notice the life jacket being worn on the kid to the right. Yes....in the 6 inch water. What can I say....their daddy's a paramedic.

Waiting on Grayson

Who knew one could get so entirely bored that they would start taking self portraits??? This would be while we waited on Brad to get the stuff to defunk the swimming pool only days after we set it up and it turned green. Lovely. We then learned you have to jump start salt water systems with a little chlorine and then maintain with the salt system. And....it worked! And we get some funny pics out of the deal. This is about the equivalent of doing those little mall picture boxes. It is quite the source of entertainment for everyone in the van.

Discussing the need to get out of the crib

Giving sweet kisses.

Good morning baby!

And how you know Gavin's been eating the cat food.

Celebrity Status?

I think it is safe to say that you have reached freak show status when you are walking through the parking lot of Wal Mart with everybody in tow and people stop to take pictures of your family. We were a bit strung out in a line as Grayson pushed Gavin in the cart. Brad wore Ivye in the backpack carrier as he brought up the rear making sure we had everybody and they were within sight. I noticed a couple of women standing together putting sacks into the trunk of a car. I suppose I wouldn't have stayed so tuned into them had they not made a spectacle of themselves by nudging and poking each other nodding and pointing fingers in the general direction of our family. They counted, which is no knew thing to us by any stretch of the imagination, so I just smiled and kept walking. Maybe having given them an invitation by this small gesture they then turned fully towards us, stopped all they were doing and leaned against their car to do nothing but observe our train in progress. Brad sped up his pace a little to catch up with me while he said laughingly in total amusement, "They were taking pictures of us!" I teased back, "What? Did they rip out the camera?'" In total seriousness he replied back in all honesty that they were both taking pictures of us with their cell phones. People never cease to amaze me. Course I guess we never cease to amaze them. I'm thinking they ought to be commended if they got us all in one shot. Cell phone limitations and a train of people strung out over some 5 parking spaces, at least. But it was quite the first for us. I suppose had they asked we would've just posed for them. It's a funny thought.





We splurged a little and made Grant's entire year by eating at Rosa's then continued on to Sam's where the majority of all of the shopping is done these days. After our brush with "local fame" in the Wal Mart parking lot we were having quite the time teasing everybody about it. Little did we know that wasn't quite the end of it for the day. As always, we ran into the ever loyal employees that know us all by name. We talked and chatted and somehow word had gotten around about baby #9. I thought that was a bit funny since we'd only told one of the 20 or so employees that greet us and love on the children. As we wandered our way through we eventually saw one of the older sample ladies and she got to going about the whole Jon and Kate thing.....yes, we hear that a ton - I suppose people can't help comparing....and then she proceeds on. Things of how everyone in Sam's has voted that our family should have a TV show. I have yet to figure out what is so alluring about watching a woman do wash, potty train and change diapers all day and running around in circles digging in kids butts since they can't seem to get chores done ...or at least, completed well enough to meet the standards that are expected of them. After filling us in that they would be willing to nominate us for a show if we were willing to do one she then informed us that we had been voted and won "Family of the Year" award at Sam's. I couldn't help but laugh outloud at that one. I laughingly asked exactly how this came to be. She informed us that all of their employees had sat around at one of their employee meetings and discussed our family along with a few other regulars. She said our family had won the affection of everyone hands down and that we had been voted the family with the most well behaved, beautiful, social children in the history of Sam's. I couldn't bring myself to inform her that all the Sam's crew needed was a day spent at our home to let us topple off the pedestal they have so lovingly placed us upon. I just replied back with honest humility at this point and still some humor at the whole conversation that it takes LOTS of work to get to this point. It hasn't always been like this and it still is not quite reality when we are all out. They act this well because we work very hard on it at home behind closed doors...and we, of course, beat the crap out of them when we get home if they dare look at us the wrong way in public. Ok, not really. That was just for CPS's benefit. But I did say that in all honesty we do work hard at home and that, contrary to popular belief, we do not just naturally have good children. I am again amazed at the number of people that come to us saying that we are so lucky to just have such naturally good children. Ok people. You think this comes naturally????!!!!!! This is a 24/7 hour job of sheer consistency and years of hard work to finally get to this point in life. I figure it took 11 years to get here. This most definitely does not come naturally. Just come spend a day within our home and you will suddenly be privy to the mere natural state of self in 8 children 11 years and under that are born with a natural desire to please only one's self. Suddenly the selfish human nature each and every person is born with is just so plainly seen in raw form when spending any length of time in our little abode. We have spent many many years teaching them and instructing them how to give of one's self and to ignore the ever present tug to forget all else and live for your own desires. Years of teaching how to serve, love, respect, protect, give and so on..and to do it all joyfully. Ummmm....yeah right. I think that must be the slowest part of the whole process. But I suppose it is finally becoming evident to the many around us that apparently so closely watch and admire our little crew of 8. At least it's a bit present when we're out.

Alright...so didn't mean to get on a soap box. But the whole "coming naturally" thing just never ceases to amaze me that people can actually think you and your husband actually concoct good natured children. If genetics play any role I think Brad's and my genes, when mixed together to create another human being, must create the most stubborn, strong willed, determined, focused individuals on the planet....with the exception of Evye. I think it is fairly safe to say she missed out on every one of those traits. Somewhere in there she got the laid back, creative, artistic, slow moving, time is not of the essence gene that must have come from generations past.

All of that to say, we thought it a bit comical that we have now been voted as "Family of the Year" at Sam's Wholesale Club. Yee haw! Now...if that actually carried any weight with it...like maybe free groceries for a year....it might actually be worthy of pumping the ego a bit. But, as is, I guess it is safe to say that we are just about the most well loved of their shoppers and that's about the extent of the "award" that goes with the title. It is a healthy dose of encouragement and it never fails to boost my confidence and enthusiasm for what it is my days consist of. Lots of consistency, lots of love, lots of patience....and patience, my dear ones, contrary to popular belief, does NOT come naturally to me....and lots of organization....most of the time...ok, some of the time....or well, more like a small fraction of the time.

So I suppose in some small tiny portion of west Texas we have attained some form of fame. Who would've ever guessed what would come with a vision and such a sweet calling one felt God has placed upon their life as a couple? Who would've ever known there would be so many rewards to something that is such a personal decision to make in one's life...to have as many kids as humanly possible? Who would've ever guessed one could actually attain "Family of the Year" award at Sam's Wholesale Club?????? I think we have reached the pinnacle of life by this achievement. Who needs TLC or reality shows??? Just go shop at Sam's.

Heading West

During the last two weeks it came time for my dearly beloved brother to take off and leave the great state of Texas. Since we have always been close despite the long distances that separate at times it seemed that this move for him was just another exciting turn of events in the lives of one another. Since our love for travel is great and the children love being on the road we both know it is only a matter of time before our crew makes the drive to the state of California to visit him in his new environment. Honestly, it never really hit me how far away it is and how much of a reality his leaving is until he stopped by to bid us farewell. Suddenly the fun and adventure was tamed a bit by the emotion of the fact he is really leaving.....and will be some thousands of miles away. I admire him. I always have. So many people dream of great hings in life but never act upon any of it. How many people there are in the world living out a life of mediocrity due to being trapped within their comfort zone and becoming too dependant on something they only mildly enjoy. What an amazing thing it is to have a vision and take off to discover if you can bring it to life...to knock on the door and pursue that which God has gifted you in. Though the separation is painful for me the excitement of discovering new places and being able to visit is still an awesome thing for us.

So it is that he finally lived up to his promise given to the children of an overnight stay. He pulled in late that Thursday night and as Brad and the little ones were all in bed Grayson, Evye and I stayed up til the wee hours of the morning eating previously grilled hamburgers and hot dogs and making cookies. We all spread out on the couches, laughed until our sides aches and they finished off the night eating cookies til they were sufficiently sick.

Friday morning came and we spent it pretty leisurely as Grayson made eggs, Evye made homemade biscuits and Brad put on the coffee. The bittersweet of the moment could not be ignored as I wondered just how long it will be before we have the opportunity to do this again. With full stomachs we made our way outside to do our farewells. Plans were made to head west once he gets settled and check out his place and all that California has to offer. He still doesn't really ever seem that far away....even now. I guess there's something to be said for being as close as we have been our entire lives. Not even the miles can break the bond that still exists to this day.

So, in no particular order here are some of the pics to remember it all by.

Best of buddies

Saying good byes
My sweet, sweet girl

Checking out the goatheads

Checking out the bugs

Loving on Daddy

Our destructo crew

Saying the thousandth goodbye

Still waving


Everybody helping to rechain the tire

I'm thinking we could fit at least 4 more in this shot

We still look alike
His ride from Dallas, TX to LA, California

Chillin' with Daddy watching the game of UNO

Hours and hours of UNO

Mapping out the roads

The Silence of Brokenness

There is a silence that has fallen over us as we have found the need to bring some semblance of order and sense back into our lives. Over the last few weeks our family has been dealt some circumstances in life that would make any average family crumble. But, as we have always known throughout our marriage as it has grown and strengthened over so many different situations, we have seen that we are no average couple at all. Because of who we are in Christ and the people that have clothed us daily in prayer we have weathered so much more than what any couple or any parent will ever in a lifetime know.

I was going to just start back up with the chaotic "normal" daily life of what is taking place....so much to say, so much going on, so many of our active days filled with humor. But to pick back up with normalcy does my heart no good at this point in life and seems to reduce what we have been through to a level of injustice seldom known to man.

Maybe one day what we have been through will be a testimony to other parents facing the same situation, maybe someday we will be able to look back on this time in life and know why we lived it, maybe someday we will be able to see the hand of God orchestrating every second of every minute of the days that we have survived over the last little while, maybe someday we will know why we have had to live what we have lived. Neither Brad nor I feel led to uncover the intimate details of our lives and the emotions that are still so raw from all of this. We have no freedom yet to open up freely about this new part of our testimony we have been given.

It seemed to catch us off guard and while we were at one of lowest moments. While in the midst of personally suffering through a case of severe bronchitis the adoption rejection came. At a very low point anyway it seemed a devastating blow....a total injustice in life that a family can be so judged solely based on the mere number of its members. It seems ironic to me that these people who are responsible for caring for the well being of these children in the system are the ones depriving them of a healthy, loving home environment based on an opinion of what is socially acceptable, of what one family is capable of handling vs what they themselves are capable of handling. It was huge since we had a group of 7 that were waiting on our homestudy to be completed so that we could proceed to the next level of pursuing them.

I'll admit that I didn't handle this part of our adoption process well at all. It was humiliating to think that I was so naive as to think this would all go off without even a second thought..without a hitch or hurdle to have to overcome. A week and a half of sleepless nights ticked by. On one such night as Brad was on shift what seemed to be total devastation was thrown upon our family and we found ourselves living out a parent's worst nightmare...short of the death of one of your children. It still makes my heart sick to revisit the events of the last few weeks and, as of yet, there is no liberty to even begin to share. I'm sure at some point in life I will find myself opening up to thousands of hurting and wounded souls about the paths we have walked but for now there is a silence bound up in brokenness.

We've all had up days and down days throughout it all and we've all found it very hard to function at all on many of those days. After the strife and division it causes within the family we have watched it also bring us together more intimately than we have ever known...as a couple, with each of our children, with each other as individuals within the family and with each one individually that make up the group of people that God has placed together as a family.To watch the children unify and come together during such a devastating time has been such an enormous blessing to me and has kept me focused on what it is our job as parents entail. To instill in these precious souls to love on another for better or for worse, to support each other, to defend each other, to protect each other with one's own life. Brad and I have run the gamut of emotions from being filled with rage to feelings of worthlessness to coming back and just letting God Himself be our Hiding Place, our Rock and our Shelter as we rest in Him. We can do nothing but trust with our whole entire hearts that the Lord does indeed cause everything to work together for good for those that love Him and are called according to His purpose.

So, know that in my days of silence there is a new pain that we bear that we still are having to walk out daily, to pray through, to try and wrap our minds around. This is a very sobering time in life for our little family. But it has caused us to dig deeper than we ever have to discover who each of us are in Jesus Christ. He has tested our faith and I think He has found it to be true.

So, with that I will attempt to return to daily life as we know it. It does my heart good to lay the burden down as we try to gather the pieces back up and continue forward.

Still Here

We are still here. Many many things are taking place right now in our lives and the spiritual attack seems unending at times. It is always much more difficult when it affects your children though. But we will overcome!

As always, life continues to march on despite all the crap going on. The funny antics of life with children are too numerous to even account for. I have an ongoing list of stuff I need to catch up on when I get back to some sort of normalcy again. The hidden little treasures of happiness that children bring amidst whirling seas of emotions.

And on a adoption update note...we have officially appealed their decision. We are waiting on a date to meet with one of the supervisors and rebutt everthing they have brought against us and the false"requirements" that they state we do not meet. I love it when Brad gets on fire about something!

Be Still Oh My Soul

Winds constant and moving. Rustling grass all around. Tall Texas prairie grass bends gracefully, bowing to its Creator. South wind caresses skin like velvet. My furiously beating heart wild with anger and indignation is momentarily stilled. Blinking stars begin to emerge in the oncoming darkness despite the soft peach hue still left hanging on the western horizon. The world is still, at peace with all that transpires within it. Quiet. Rare quiet that seems to envelope my being. My inner soul rages with fury and for a time I am oblivious to the quiet. I cannot hear it for the yelling of my own heart. How unjust and unfair is all of life. I grow weary in my rants and eventually my standing stomping soul takes a seat. Flag flaps in the south wind hitting tin roof above my head. I can hear it. I can hear the kittens beneath my feet begging for their dinner. Suddenly I realize how loud the voice within can be. The emotions that can overwrite everything blessed around me....that steal my focus from the good, the blessed, the joy of my everyday life that surrounds me. Why is it so hard to listen to the quiet? Why when we prayed so long for a definitive answer does my soul rage and refuse to be stilled in this blessed quiet of a breezy summer night...wind driving away the heat of all that existed during the July summer day?





I curl up next to warm husband. I feel him sigh....heavy with emotions too. Some amount of comfort and solace come but my noisy spirit steals any peace that might've been allowed. It will be a long night. Eventually my ears are taken with the sound of his rhythmic breathing and I know sleep for him comes easily despite the turmoil that fills our hearts. The night wears on into a seeming infinity...the darkness, the quiet, never ending. And still my tumultuous thoughts run wildly without any signs of growing weary in the marathon they seem to be running. Dim red numbers glow 1:38 am. A baby wakes...cries somewhere in the distance. I methodically rise and help him back to bed in his sleep induced state. Crawl back into mine only to listen once more to the inner anger that refuses to be calmed. 4:57 am stares at me in its red merciless state. And still I toss and turn trying hard not to wake sleeping husband.





Why must it be this way for the followers of Christ? Why must the road always be so hard? My pity party steams full speed ahead. After glowing reports from all parties involved in our home visit we were given the stamp of approval with smiles, handshakes and promises of hearing from the social worker for our home study....the last step of this process. The adoption worker and her co worker were taken with the immaculate condition of our home and the number of people within. They seemed happily surprised by the manners, joyful disposition, funny antics and good behaviour of our children as they sat there and allowed us all to talk. When the house tour began each child was eager to show off their own bed and space and reveal all our family has to share. Once the adoption worker saw our play room it seemed to have sealed the deal as she stated that it would definitely count and that with this we could qualify for as many children as we are willing to take. Good natured laughs went around and talk of homeschooling and the waiver she would seek for us began. She seemed quite confident that it was more than possible and in the best interest of the adoptive children due to the one on one time they would receive and the fact that most are dreadfully behind in school..even stating that homeschoolers are known for their excellent work and being able to bring the children up to where they need to be. Discussion turned to turning in paperwork for them every 4 weeks for the 6 month placement period before the adoption is final. It all seemed like such a done deal to us.

Morning comes all too soon. Baby girl wakes early. I rise, fully awake after hours of nothingness. There is no resolve that comes. No comfort. The day goes by and my fury turns to numbness. Every minute of every hour my mind replays the events of the day before. A call from our adoption worker. Can they come out for a visit? Certainly. We rallied all hands in the house and did a massive quick clean. We are used to quick cleans but it was still rewarding to know the house is never so far gone that it cannot be immaculate in only 30 short minutes...bathrooms cleaned, dishes done and all. Everyone was put to work excitedly for the upcoming visit and by the time the doorbell rang candles were lit, house was perfect, children clothed in their nicer clothes...except for the naked Gavin that went running wildly to the door in his bare naked state. Lovely. I hurriedly scoop him up with some good natured laughs from everyone and dressed him. Words floated from hallway to bedroom as I overheard Brad and the workers talking in low voices. Then Brad saying in a very uncharacteristic manner and strained voice, "Excuse me? I didn't understand what you just said." I reappeared from the room and the children were sent outside to play as we all made our way to the living area.

Words I heard clearly...jumbled together in a whirlwind of emotion came pouring forth. House is not big enough. The same house you said less than 2 weeks ago was perfect and would qualify us for as many as we are willing to take???? Children too young. The same children you said less than 2 weeks ago would make amazing siblings and a group could definitely be found to fit our family situation? Commitment to the discipline policy was not convincing enough. The same policy we have discussed over and again and how we have modified our life to accommodate it and given examples of how we use creative discipline? The same policy we have now signed twice and and stated that we would not have signed had we not felt like we are committed to adhering to? They did not feel we could give one on one time to the children we have. The same children that you raved are so well behaved. And the future children you would give us that you said would do nothing but benefit from the one on one time of homeschooling them and how much good it does? Words continued to come. I sat quietly trying to absorb what it all meant. Somewhere in there it was said we need to add on. But questions rose and I clarified that if we add on we would then qualify. She shook her head no. I asked for qualifying for a smaller group. Again...heads wagging negatively. My mind reeled....spinning in all directions trying to fathom the meaning of it all. By the end of it all they left saying all adoption proceedings had been stopped and as long as we have this many children we will never qualify...not even for one.

We were kind. What else was there to be? Brad saw them to the door. I sat. What happened? What went wrong? Children are better off living in the foster care system than being within our family???? Children would not be attended to in our family? Tears came. And for hours they continued. How is it possible to so mourn the children you never had?

The day wore on. Depression settled in. Not only did it seem as though we had hit a dead end, we had been broken down and torn apart in our parenting abilities. Apparently they surmised that our family is unfit for the children we do have...not to mention placing more with us. Every aspect of our parenting had come under fire.

What was the point of all of this??? Why God??? Why have us walk down this road only to turn us down when we were one step away from the end??? We asked....begged of Him to shut the door if we were missing it and walking down the wrong road but doors continued all along the way to be opened wide. So why....so close to the end does this blow come???? These were all issues we had addressed...asked about.....before we ever started this process. We were given green lights and positive answers by everyone we spoke with. We asked in the very beginning before proceeding with anything to avoid the heartache that would surely come later on down the road.

One sleepless night turned to 3 as I lay for hours next to a sleeping husband pondering what this all means. The heartache of our older children as they realize this longing of their hearts will never come to pass. Night after night I revisit it all. Feeble words conjure up in my mind as I set out to right the world. Restless shallow sleep comes and goes as I dream. Restless dreams that make no sense. My heart bleeds. There is no peace in this end. Only heartache and humiliation. Over and over my mind asks what went wrong and where...when.

Eventually we figure out that the ruling came from much higher up. It was not our adoption worker that did this. Once we were submitted for approval to supervisors to obtain clearance for a home study the supervisors whom we have never met or even seen our family gave a fanatical and definite "no" to our family. How can they do that??? What is the point of having adoption workers if they rule out all of the work they have put in??? Of the class we were the only family turned down. I know....Brad knows....we were discriminated against. America's mentality of what is acceptable for a family. People make statements of not being able to handle their own 2 or 3 children so they therefore cannot possibly fathom anyone that can.....or is willing....to raise 15. They feel spread thin so therefore no one couple can adequately raise 5 times that amount and still maintain their sanity. This whole time we have been in compliance with every requirement they have and every state law. We violated nothing. We are still waiting to see where it states certain requirements concerning space....as of yet we have not found anything that disqualifies us....only their opinion about our family. They have nothing to disqualify us except their dislike and disapproval of us...these people we have never even met.

Early morning hours...my throat is on fire, my head throbs and my ears ring in pain. A now 4 day headache that shows no sign of dissipating as the dr's diagnosis reverberates through my self pity, "sinus infection, bronchitis not far from pneumonia". I cough and roll the opposite direction for the 200th time that night. Why? Why when I feel so bad does this blow come?

But somewhere between moonless night and sun's rising my perspective changes. Not dramatically but once again I remind myself that it's all a choice. Dire medical predictions of being hospitalized 6 months out of the year by the time I am 27 jolt through my memories. But here I am at the age of 33 laying in my own bed with only a case of bronchitis once a year or so. My dark eyed baby lays curled in her crib probably sucking her thumb at this very moment, tucked warmly against her big brown floppy eared puppy. A room full of good looking, handsome tired little boys sleeps peacefully after a day spent hard at swimming. Pretty girls, eyelashes lying softly against sun kissed cheeks sleep comfortably in their beds. Life is good. I mourn the loss of what never was but I am still pregnant. I have effortlessly conceived 9 beautiful children. I have only ever suffered one miscarriage 8 entire years ago. Our children are healthy and have an amazing life. They have a house that accommodates us all, trampolines they seemingly live on, a swingset that I thought we would never in a lifetime have...but more than anything else in the world...they have each other and they have us as their parents. We are good. We are blessed. We have been called to raise them and they are blessed.

Morning noise, chaos and activity begin. There is no real comfort but there is somewhat of a peace in all of this. I will settle and gather the pieces of it all back up and we may pursue it again...after the hurt and anger subside a little. Recollect our thoughts and then go after the real reason we were turned down at the very last stage of the game. Do we take on the world? Do we dare take on the massive tasks of going head to head with the government and it's "policies"....it's ideal of what a family should be? I have to collect my thoughts. I must gather the needed information to know that there is indeed not enough space to qualify us. I must make sure we are in accordance to what rules they really do have. Right now I don't even know what's true and what's not. What are the lies? What is the truth? So, I organize it. I write an email asking for more information. And I wait. Thoughts pouring like torrential rain through my head all throughout the day. Do we even want to take on something so much bigger than we are? Or do we accept this as the answer we have continually prayed for? The answer that said this is indeed still the right idea but still the wrong time? I don't know. I honestly don't know. I'm not asking for opinions. I don't want opinions. I just want to know what it is God has planned for us and what we are supposed to be doing in Him.

Maybe He just wanted to see how far we are willing to go to serve Him. Maybe He wanted to see if we would put our all into what He has called us to do. Were we willing to open our home up to the scrutiny of CPS, were we willing to sit and talk with them on our couch while children played? Were we willing to spend money on babysitters, more beds, required items to have our house meet home and fire inspection requirements....home study requirements? How willing were we? For who knows what lies ahead in the future to what He is preparing us to do. But maybe He needs to test the strength of our hearts and the determination and depth before we are called upon to act. Maybe He just needed to know who we are as His servants. He can only use those who are willing to sacrifice it all....those who die in order to have Life. So it is that I lay it all down. I lay my life down. I will die for You. I will die to my own desires...my own plan for my life....the very essence of myself in order to gain what He has planned to do with me. I will give up the idea of more children...of adoptive children. But I will also fight if He leads us to fight. We will go to war with the government if it means saving children and raising them up to honor and glorify Him.

So we wait. Wait to know what to do. Wait to regain our composure and come up with a plan...if we are to even have a plan. Do we pursue it and pull out all of the stakes or do we lay it down? I don't know. I have no answers. But I lay it at the feet of Jesus and know that in His time He will guide us in the direction we need to take.

Beating pounding heart seems to slow for a brief moment in time. The words form somewhere within "By still on my soul. Be still and know that I am God." It seems elementary....too elementary to do any good at all....but it brings a comfort and peace. Other verses take vague shape in my head and seem to loom in the shadows but my heart continually turns back to this "verse"...not even so much of a verse as it is a jumbled mix of hymns and verses.

It is well with my soul.

When peace like a river attendeth my soul,
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul.
Though satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

I have no choice but to praise Him and live in utter gratefulness for the very essence of my life. And I will follow Him in whatever direction He tells us to go.

It is indeed well with my soul.

Yet Another Growing Boy in Underwear!

Alright...since I recently cannot seem to move any pictures around when I post having all of them lumped up together at the top will have to suffice.

Hapy 2nd Birthday Sweet Gavin

Best buddies...and yes, that would be a red shirt with gray and white camo shorts Garrett has going on. He dressed himself...what else is there to say.

Still highly impressed with the novelty of his underwear

Always willing to show it off. And no, Gavin does not have eye shadow on his right eye. We can chalk that one up to him playing slip and slide in the bathtub with a ton of rowdy brothers. Despite the war wounds he wouldn't let the tub win and kept right on going.

No matter how many times we cross this milestone it never ever falls short of thrilling me from head to toe. It is a feeling unrivaled by most to see your children take take those first few steps into their independence. This milestone came much much sooner for sweet Gavin than I thought it would. He is our one that took 10 months to crawl, 17 entire months to walk and has seemed to not be in a huge hurry to do anything at all. He is pretty content just to sit and watch the world go by...up until the day he figured out how much fun it was to take part in it. Once he learned how to run he took off and never really quit. I suppose it helps tremendously having 6 other siblings go before you in your potty training endeavors...watching them pee and poop day in and day out.

He began coming to me about 6 weeks ago everytime he peed or pooped wanting his diaper changed. I eventually refused to change a once peed in diaper. I was having to do a diaper load twice a day and that lasted for about 3 days before I grew tired of it. I knew I needed to jump back on the toilet wagon and train him but laziness and procrastination overtook my will to move forward with it. I reasoned to myself that, afterall....the boy is not even 2 yet. By the time he reached his 2nd birthday on the 12th of July I had no more excuses other than to face my own slothful ways. I have never been good at admitting to laziness...or even surrendering to it.... so to admit it to myself brought to light my parental inadequacies and the determination to overcome them. As I march through my days I continue to tell myself that it is not just one choice but many that make up whether I accomplish something or just throw in the towel and give in, as is so easy to do with so many young children in a home. The little toy that lay in the floor for days on end is much easier to just walk by than to actually stoop to pick up. The piece of trash the older ones missed that lay in the yard for a week is easier to walk by than to bend and toss in the trash on the way by. And I know this sounds as though it is sheer insanity to the normal everyday mind but to a fellow mom of many it is a well understood concept.

And so this same theory applied to potty training the new up and coming independent one. And to make matters worse...now that we cloth diaper the urgency to get him up and out of diapers wasn't so urgent since the cost of diapers is now non existent. But, alas, I could not ignore my own short comings and I geared up for the task at hand. After only sitting on the toilet a few times and growing frustrated he wouldn't be released to freedom until he produced something within the commode he promptly figured out how to pee. The whole household cheered and sang his praises....for this milestone NEVER grows old. And so it is that he has been reliably peeing in the toilet for quite some time now. We still are waiting for him to master the pooping part of the job. As of now he either prefers to poop in the yard.....lovely.....or wait until the diaper is on at night. For outings I still do not trust him enough to entirely leave him in underwear so a diaper is put on for good measure. But he has yet to pee or poop in it and has been telling me he needs it off to go. So, with this event I figure we are pretty close to being fully potty trained. He sees me dump his poop in the toilet and he gets the joy of watching everyone else in the household go so I figure we are only days away from mastering this art as well.....as he appears to be trying very hard but has yet to produce something of his own in there. Never the less...it is still entirely exciting and no less shocking that what has been the slowest baby in the family to do pretty much everything in life is now the 2nd earliest to potty train. Grayson has him beat by 5 months as he was 19 months old when he completely mastered it all and Gavin is just barely 24 months old. Aubrey was 25 months, Evye a little more than 2 1/2, Garrison and Grant 2 1/2 exactly and Garrett just a little short of 2 1/2.

So it is that we have yet another little man in underwear these days. It lightens the laundry load but, even more, is the amazing feeling of success once more as a parent. And we will have a little over 7 entire months of only 1 in diapers.

Happy Birthday Sweet Gavin boy. You never cease to amaze me with everything new you come up with. The way you do things and how you do them in your own unique time.